So I'm not feeling invisible anymore. That must have been for just a couple of days. Feeling good about Penelope feeling good, feeling not alone on my RAD island, and having high hopes of about going back to work. But, just like Penelope, my good days came to an end. I need to work on myself more - I know that. I've known that. But I allow my mind to talk myself out of it. "Why waste yourtime on yourself when Penelope is going to do something that is going to put you back into your hole again..." "You need all your energy for Penelope." and even sometimes "You don't deserve it... you make too many mistakes and you are killing your dad. He has a bad heart, getting old, and he can't deal with your problems. You need to be stronger..." Sounds pretty pitiful. Too much guilt. Need to snap out of it! I'm a planner and analytical and need to just DO something.
We spent Monday night at my parents' house. They were happy to have us. I woke up Tuesday with a splitting migraine. I blamed it from sleeping on the couch - I gave Penelope the guest bed (Bed Hog). But I'm sure it's a combination of that, and the conversation I had with George. My mother told me that she was scared George was going to kill himself after my conversation with him. My dad went over to his house and spent the afternoon with him working in his yard. She didn't say it accusatory, like I did anything wrong. Which I still don't think I did. Of course I don't want George to kill himself. That would totally devastate Penelope. I'm sure I would be upset too. Last year we had a scare with him - thought he had a stroke. I totally surprised myself by how upset I was. Still hate him, but he is my brother. But anyway, I didn't feel guilty for him feeling that way. I just think it is an inappropriate reaction to knowing it's going to be a little longer before he sees Penelope again. He needs help. And seeing Penelope isn't the "help" that he needs. That would just be a band aid that would hurt Penelope too. But I also think it's supports the fact that his relationship to her is also inappropriate. I'm not trying to downplay his love for her or how painful it must be not to see his daughter. But his selfishness is making him crazy. He is obsessed.
Yesterday I talked to one of Penelope's therapists and told her about the upcoming appointment with George and his therapist as well as my conversation with him. She didn't have an opinion one way or the other on going to the session with him but we talked a lot about what George's issue is with Penelope. She feels that he is obsessed and even though he sees women as less than him, he puts the control in their hands. I had a hard time wrapping my head around that. Because he does think women are generally stupid. Not that he has ever made an effort to surround himself with smarter women, so I think he prefers to be the "smartest" one himself. I guess Penelope controlled him, in that as long as she never accepted "No" and he caved. But he was so bossy with her, yelling at her for every. little. thing... but he never followed up to ensure his commands were being completed. I don't know. I guess it's possible. I just don't get it.. even with the emotional incest thing. I don't get how totally obsessed he is. I told her I "googled" the term. She laughed and said she just came up with it to describe their relationship. I said "There are people out there that teach and talk about this type of 'abuse'." They talk about how rampant it is in our society with the whole Daddy's Princess stuff, but that also the "abusers" rarely ever change because this relationship they have with their child is so wrapped up in their identity, and if they stopped, they feel like their world is going to fall apart. That sounds like George, even though I'm not so sure how much credence I put in that it's "abuse." I guess it depends on the degree. It talked about how allowing your child to comfort you when you are sad is abusive. I think that as long as there are clear lines of who's job it is to make a parent happy - not the child's, then everything is okay. With Penelope, the issue is that she has learned that it is her responsibility to make her dad happy and she is dealing with her own demons and it only makes her sicker to have that burden too. And it totally jepordizes her healing. The more I read into this topic, I see similarities with my mom. Just like George, she is also a self-absorded person. And she turns to me, as her daughter (I guess since women are more emotional creatures) and looks for me to help her with her unhappiness. She wants me to fix it. Wants me to go on vacation with her, be an ear to vent to about what a horrible person my father is, how wonderful she is but no one wants to spend time with her. I know that I can't because I have Penelope and Penelope and Grandma do not do too well together. I think the reason she makes me feel soooo bad I'm her daughter first, and an adult second, I'm not the person she needs to be having these conversations and hopes with. As an adult, I'm now old enough to recognize this, but it's probably what has caused the big rift between us for years but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Okay, this is turning into something less about Penelope and more about me, but it's insiteful. I don't feel bad about it anymore. We talked about that a bit too. Because I said "I really need my mom right now" us knowing that she isn't there for me like a mother should be right now. She asked me "What makes that hard for you?" I told her because my dad needs her to be here for me too and I already feel like I ask too much of him so he goes to her, and she is "too busy" or whatever. But then I realized, I really don't need her, I need support from someone who can take Penelope once in a while, respite care, so that I can do things - go to the store, have some alone time. And it just can't be anyone because of Penelope's unusual needs. But my mother is too close to the emotional trauma involved in working with Penelope and what has happened to her to be anything but counter-productive. The only person I have is my dad. My other brother is scared of Penelope - which I can understand. I have Harriet and her mother to contend with from that email they sent. I told the therapist, who ususally is in with Penelope and braintraining, so she wasn't aware of the email, about how I told Harriet's mom that if Penelope sees Harriet before she is ready, it would set her back and I just don't think I can do this again. The therapist said "Oh no, if she saw Harriet, we'd have to remove her from the family and place her in foster care. " Well that scared the shit out me. She didn't say it to be threatening but she knew that I couldn't deal with the ramifications of it, and I'm the only person in the family that Penelope has. But I can't have that. I won't allow it to get to that point. I know I couldn't do this again, not that I wouldn't try. Regardless if I could do it again emotionally, I couldn't do it again financially. Why did I have to go down such a negative road with her! I pretty much just vomitted all my concerns and fears to her about Penelope and everything. Why can't I stay positive!? I think it's just been a long week with just Penelope and me. I need a break! That's probably it. I need to snap out of it!
And it's not like Penelope is doing bad, we just have had a couple hickups. Because of running around to my parents and everything, I didn't get a chance to get Penelope's one medication refilled. And it was down to the wire. I dropped off the script late one night on the way home from my parents. I didn't want to go back that night to get it, because it was close to Penelope's bedtime. We didn't need it until morning. So I thought - I'll make Penelope throw on some clothes and we'll just get it in the morning. Morning came, battery was dead. SomeONE left their car door ajar which left the interior lights on. Not me. Anyway, my dad had to come and jump my car. By the time he got to my house, Penelope was in full psycho manic mode. She had already cried twice, one because Papaw was talking a long time getting to our house, and the second time, for falling off a chair - an upholstered lounge chair onto a rug. First, how do you do that?? She was bouncing off the walls, so hyper aggitated. She was mad but not for any particular reason. Defiant, trying to pick a fight with me etc. I decided it was "babytime" and pulled her onto my lap and held her in a curled up position. It calmed her down until Papaw pulled up. Then, when he did get here and we went outside, she was helping me push my car out of my driveway while my dad tried to start it with the clutch ? without having to jump it. It worked but it took a few tries. Penelope was screaming "It's going to blow up!" Neighbors started looking out their windows. Great... I tried to get her back inside but that was not going to happen. She started saying it again and I told her, "Oh my! You better start running!" She just looked at me like "Are you serious?" Of course not. My dad followed me to the pharmacy. He wanted to go in with me but I told him there was no way I was taking her in the store, or leaving her alone. He went in - he wanted a paper. By the time she got her pill, she was exhausted and took a two hour nap.
So it was fun trying to get her to sleep. Maybe 11pm I think?
I've definitely learned my lesson on overlapping pill prescriptions. Especially for this particular med. Good lord!
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