So yesterday morning I attended George's therapy appointment. I was anxious but I think I got to a point where I let go of being nervous and worried about it. I was hyper vigilant, or "on guard" and was ready to have this appointment.
I still really didn't know why I was there. The contrived reason was to help my brother and I work on our "communication skills" but I knew that was just the crust on this crispy critter. I suspected that they wanted to talk me into their perspective on visitations with Penelope. I hoped that the therapist was professional enough to understand that she may not have the whole story and would be willing to learn. I knew, just because it's his MO, that George was going to be defensive and probably embarrassed by some of the things I was going to say. I didn't want to go in with a tattle-tale approach to it, but I was going to honest. I also knew that 45 minutes wasn't going to be long enough to go into too much detail, and I am a detail person - if you haven't already picked up on that from previous posts. Actually, I've decided to keep it pretty brief - in comparison. I started writing it all out, but it's just too hard to rehash.
Basically, the 45 minutes consisted of 2 questions by the therapist. Her motive was to see where I am with the blaming of things. To pick out if I had a legitimate reason to prevent George from seeing Penelope. The first being, "What has led to Penelope's illness?" I explained the abuse that Harriet inflicted on Penelope that caused Penelope's RAD. George smugly agreed in a "see, not my fault" way, interjecting his two cents on what a rotten mother Harriet was. The second question, which I swear took 5 minutes to ask because of the mulit-layered "ness" of it. Kind of reminded me of an essay test you'd get in college - asking the question but spelling out what points to touch on and from what perspectives to consider. She wanted me to understand that both her and George feel that Penelope would cope better with seeing George if it was more frequent, that they would be able to rebuild their relationship since the reason Penelope must have a hard time coping is because she hasn't seen him in so long. But also to consider how important it is for George to see his daughter, that the reasons should be significant because it's a big deal for him to not see her. But she basically wanted to know why George isn't able to see Penelope since he isn't the one who caused the RAD.
I first told her that I needed to explain some things before I answer her question. That George's needs are not my priority. He is a 42 year old grown man. My priority is Penelope. That I've have explained the answer to this question to George on multiple occasions, and so has our parents, and Penelope's therapists. He dismisses any explanation of what is going on with Penelope that interferes with his ability to see her on a regular basis. So here we are and I am going to explain it, again. The other thing is the reason we do not talk right now is because I have learned that I can only surround myself with people who are supportive to what Penelope and I are going through because I don't have the patience or strength to deal with much more than that.
I went into the explanation. Of course, George interrupted and was hugely defensive on every point I had, barely letting me talk. After a few times, I told him that I didn't come here to be attacked and I'm trying to answer her question. I can just as easily leave. I told her that the things that I'm describing are things that I've either witnessed myself, one of my parents have shared when we were collaboratively trying to piece together Penelope's history for her therapists or he himself has told me. And he knows this, but doesn't want to hear it, obviously. I talked about how his bad decisions, which created an inconsistant, unsafe evironment for her was making things worse and as a family, we decided to have me persue guardianship. I cited specific examples which is what he tried to argue over. I brought up a couple that I'm pretty sure he didn't want his therapist to know about. The KKK and mail-ordered bride/mommy from Russia. He didn't know I knew about the later, and I could tell he was pissed. It speaks to his character.
He defended his decision over wanting to reconcile with Debbie, even though she also abused Penelope. He, again flip flopped on the facts regarding her.. because again he claims she didn't abuse Penelope. He will admit that Debbie yelled and screamed at Penelope - but that's not abusive since a kid is substandard and has no emotions or feelings. But when it came to physical abuse "She told me she only hit her twice with the wooden spoon." Oh, yes, the woman who took all your paychecks, never paid your bills, just hers, took out credit cards in your name, never paid on them and hid the bills.. who made up that huge lie to get rid of Penelope and told her it was her fault.. "She was going to a therapist about that." He said "So the words 'For better or worse' mean nothing? 'Til death do us part?'" "YES" I just was floored how he thinks he puts Penelope first but states his marriage vows as evidence to his need to save his marriage even though Penelope was being abused.
But I had cited many examples and George said "But I don't do those things now, do I?! I've changed haven't I?!" I said that it was still all apart of what has built his relationship with Penelope. I said, of all the things, one of the worst for me is the whole thing about Penelope sleeping in George's bed up until I took her in. How I instinctly knew that was wrong but I couldn't explain it. George did his defensive interruption thing and tried to explain himself. How he tried to make her sleep in her room, but then in the same breath he would say how he knew she needed to be near him because of being abandoned by her mother. He talked about how right after Harriet left, Penelope was always scared he was going to leave to. I told him, I agree with him as to why she wanted to be in his bed, but the problem is he happened up until she was 8 years old and came to live with me. The safe, consistant, and secure environment was never created in order for her not to be constantly keeping an eye on dad.. always needing to make him happy so he won't leave to.. because "Mom left because of me" thinking. And the yelling, the changing of caretakers, the way that Penelope was never first. He said "She did that with you too!" I said "Yeah, sure, in the beginning. It took a week or so to get her to stay the entire night in her bed. Then their would be storms, and I would let her crawl in, but as soon as the storm was over, I walked her back to her room. Now she sleeps in her room when there is a storm." I told the therapist that even when he lived in my house, when he was home, they spent the entire time in bed. They ate in his bed, watched tv in his bed, and sleep in his bed if he could get away with it. I told her how I knew in my heart that she had been sexually abused. I knew her relationship with her dad creeped me out and I suspected him but she never said anything and I never witnessed anything, but I knew something had happened to her. I never wanted to leave them home together. It drove me crazy. But I would once in a while force myself to go do something to get away from the house. One night I stayed out as late as I could tolerate, about 11pm and when I got home, Penelope wasn't in her bed. I went to his room and she was sleeping in his bed. I said "Why is she in your bed?!" He knew how I felt about that. He rolled over and said "Penelope, go to bed." She got up and I was walking her to her room. She said "But when do I get dinner?" I went to ask him if it was true she hadn't eaten dinner. He said "She knows where the food is, if she was hungry she should have got something to eat." Of course, again, George denies every saying that saying "I always fed Penelope dinner." No you didn't.
The therapist asked me why I thought she was sexually abused. I told her she seemed very sexualized. A few months after I got guardianship of her.. She was 8 years old, in 2nd grade, she had a crush on a boy at school. She told me how she had a dream of having sex with him. She wanted to know what would happen to her if she had sex with him. Like she was contimplating whether or not she was going to. The theapist asked me like twice "She was 8 years old?" I said we have pretty much know who did it, at least the story has come out who did it - a boy out where they use to live. She asked if she still acts sexualized. I said "Oh yes. The last time was the evening of the day she got to see her dad." And I went into her whole video masterbation sequence in very graphic detail. Okay, for shock value. This therapist looked appalled. Good! But he obviously didn't tell her about that either. Of course not, it didn't serve the greater good. He needs her to be on his side to help him manipulate his way into seeing Penelope.
During the session, she pointed out, because of one of the arguments George and I had, that George has an issue with the fact that he can't control the situation. He wanted me to do everything his way, even though there was nothing wrong with the way I did it. I told her "I am not going to look at everything I'm doing at think 'I wonder what George would want me to do?' If anything, like I said, I disagreed with his decisions so it would be the last thing I would do."
I pointed out to her that the reason we "can't talk" is because he disagrees with everything I'm doing for Penelope because it keeps her away from him. There are huge trust issues between us. I don't trust him because, I've learned in my 33 years that any time I do, I regret it.. and he doesn't trust that I can take care of Penelope. Or at least, he doesn't want me to because it doesn't go with his goals of seeing her. If he would just accept the process for what it is, he actually could be happier. But it's about him. This whole thing with visitations.. no one tells him that he is going to see her on a particular day but he gets it in his mind then has a huge fit when it doesn't happen.
Then George went into this whole thing about what he was told how often he'd get to see her and how he was suppose to see her by now.. He went into this whole thing wanting to know when and how often and definites. I told him I don't have definites. He insisted on answers. Finally I said "I am not going to tell you "Yes" because if I do, and something happens and you can't see her, you will flip out and say 'But you said!' I'm not doing it!" He kept going on about it and I said "With all this that you have said and tried to get from me, not one time did you say anything about Penelope. This is about her." His therapist nodded in agreement.
At the end of the appointment, his therapist said that that she has a better understanding and it was very informative. Told George how they were going to work on some changes to the way he perceives what is going on.. and basically, just was looking at George like this is his issue, not a matter of him having to deal with an unjust situation.
She wants me to go to their next session in two weeks. I told her I would think about it and let her know. She thinks in this forum we can get things out and help the situation. If there is honestly a chance (as I cringe at the thought of having hope) that he will accept what is being said and allow me, and my dad and Penelope to keep doing what I'm doing without him constantly disrupting or trying to manipulate us, then it is good. However, I really just don't see it.
I talked to my mom today and I guess George called her last night and complained about the appointment yesterday. She is pretty breaten up over it. She screamed and yelled at him and eventually hung up. She doesn't handle being a part of this battle at all and it really takes it toll on her, and then on anyone around her. I'm not going to go to these sessions if he is going to call my parents and make it more difficult for them. But I'm not going to just look for an excuse to not go. So, I will just see how it goes for the next two weeks. I will make a point to say something about that in the next session if I go. He has to knock that off.
I talked to my dad also. He hasn't heard from George - but I think George makes a point to limit his bitch-sessions with him because my dad doesn't have qualms about putting him in his place. And he tried to say it's not a big deal that he calls and complains. I know it is though.
Lastly, off subject. Cell Batteries at Amazon.com for alarms on doors and windows are super cheap!!!!! I just ordered 100 batteries - I use 4 at a time on the Penelope's door alarm. It cost $8.99 with free shipping!
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