Penelope's other family

So, this is the blog I've been trying to get around to because I want to document what has been going on behind the scenes - nothing Penelope is aware about. As you know, George got to see Penelope about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The visit went fine but picking up the pieces taken about two weeks to do. We still haven't discussed her video she made the evening of the visitation in therapy. She has been acting too defensive/defiant to make that conversation productive. Her therapist wanted to wait. George wants to see her again, he wanted to see her last week - because somewhere in his mind someone told him he could. No one has. He wanted to see her this week, which leads me to the topic at hand - Penelope's other family and her birthday/presents. I don't talk to George, unless I absolutely have to. He loves to pick fights with me and/or tell people I tell him things that I don't. But I was there when my mother called him to find out what he was getting Penelope for her birthday and knowing he is currently off work disabled, money was tight, I recommended him making something for her.. a drawing or something. He used to tell Penelope how he loved to draw. She is sentimental and would like a present like that. I was also planning to give the presents from Harriet and her mother to Penelope on Sunday after her party was over. But my mom wanted me to wait until I got George's so his wasn't given last. He was told he had until Sunday to "make" whatever. But when Sunday came around, my mom called him and he said "I'm getting her something for Wednesday - for us to do together. Talk to Dad." She asked me and I knew nothing about it. When my dad got in from golfing, I asked him if there was some visitation planned that I wasn't aware of? He said there wasn't, it's just George doing his thing.. trying to get what he wants. So it's Monday evening and I still haven't given Penelope the cards with their money in them. I talked to George today because he wanted to know what he should get her. He decided on iTune gift cards - fine. But he wanted to know when her next therapy appointment was. Actually, now that I type that, I'm curious if he plans on showing up to her appointment. I will have to make sure he doesn't. He knows that her visitation was scheduled specifically the evening before her therapy appointment and he "expects" every Wednesday that has past since his visitation to be his next visitation. Anyway, if I don't get it by Wednesday I am giving her the cards because I want to make sure that the therapists can help me deal with any emotional ramifications from the cards when we see them. Okay, so that was George, now on to Penelope's birth mother and grandmother. I kept saying over the past few weeks that something was going to happen with Harriet because of Penelope's birthday coming up. She hadn't really said anything but had been calling more frequent for "updates." I hadn't heard from Sarah (the grandmother) since February and only via email. I had sent her one in March but she never responded so I dropped it. But below is the email that I recieved from Sarah, who copied my mother, on July 4th.

I have been having an internal debate with myself since the last time gave me an update about Penelope. I have to tell you that parts of your last communication to me, , made me angry. I decided at that time that perhaps I just needed to stay out of the situation. You see, it made me angry that Penelope was supposedly having nightmares about Harriet crawling through the window to kill her. I immediately asked myself - "Who on earth said something to Penelope to indicate that Harriet would physically harm her?" And my mind went from this train of thought to "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or care taker? And the answer I came up with is this. It all depends on how the other parent and relatives respond to the situation. It depends on how much the child is made to feel that the deserting parent is pond scum, or that the deserting parent didn't want to be the child's parent. With the huge number of divorces occurring now days, if every child whose parent left, developed RAD, our society will soon be full of disfunctional RAD patients. My own two older children were deserted by their father. Kathleen was not quite 1 and Angela was 5. He saw them maybe twice a year. He called on Christmas and birthdays, if he had time.
How did George handle this situation? What kind of single parent was he? How did he respond to Debbie's Penelope bashing and even kicking Penelope out of the house? How much was said about Harriet within Penelope's hearing range, or when nobody thought Penelope was listening?
I had a choice to make Karl out to be a demon, a bottom dweller of a father, a bastard - whatever. Or I could tell Angela and Kathleen that their father loved them and make good sounding excuses for him not being around more. I chose the latter and guess what - they are both highly successful people who now have a decent relationship with their father.
It also has made me angry that my daughter, Harriet, has been treated as if she doesn't exist. She has been treated as if she is not a person, as if she has no feelings. No communication on Mother's Day, or her birthday. In fact, not much communication at all. Phone calls, from my understanding, often do not get returned or if they do get returned, it is after many days have passed. In fact, one of the reasons I stopped communicating with Penelope - cards, a little money here or there, was also lack of response, or great delay in response so that I was unsure if she even got anything I sent her.
Harriet is my daughter, despite whatever she has done and despite the fact that she has problems that keep her from supporting herself or even taking very good care of herself. I am essentially her only support. Just as we would all like to see Harriet as a happy, functioning young lady, I would like to see my daughter happy.
I'm sure you all feel that you are doiing what's best for Harriet and I have no problem in saying that you have essentially raised Harriet. I do not know if I agree with what is going on now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I do not agree.
One question - Is it truly Penelope's choice not to see Heather? Or has Penelope been told it's not good for her to see Heather right now? Or has Penelope been led to believe that Harriet does not even want to see her now? Does Penelope know that Harriet DOES want to see her?

Nice, huh? See, Sarah is a retired school teacher.. and has expressed in the past that she doesn't think Penelope has RAD because she worked with inner city schools where she has had kids with RAD but they don't act the way I have described to her. I told her "Of course they don't. You think they are going to show their true colors to you? They save that stuff for home." The other tidbit to know, which I am sorta linking together through this email, is Sarah's history. I knew she had other daughters other than Harriet. I didn't know they were with a different father. So, Karl is husband #1, Harriet's dad is husband #2, and she is currently with husband #3. The first two daughters are successful professionally and personally - a doctor and a lawyer with families. Harriet is married, on SSD and so is her husband. So anyway, below is my response to her email.. Mind you, I haven't received a response, but she did send Penelope a birthday card that showed up the day after her birthday with a check for $50. I thought it was interesting how her note she put on the card spelled out that there is a check for $50 with the card - I guess so I wouldn't just steal the money and not tell Penelope.. I'm evil I tell ya! I should send her an email letting her know that I gave Penelope the card but there was no check in the envelope and Penelope is pissed! Thinks she doesn't love her... but I won't. >=) Anyway, here is my email response.

I've read your email, and my initial thought is that "I'm not surprised." I don't think this because I think you are right in the assumptions you have made or that you are a bad person so your accusatory email is meant to be malicious, but in that through my journey with helping Penelope I have learned how lonely of a road this is. I have learned a lot in this process. My second thought was "I'm glad you still care...." in that you obviously have put a lot of thought into the whole situation but also "... even though you are on the wrong path." You are making wrong assumptions and asking the wrong questions. Somewhere fundamentally you have assumed I must not love Penelope and either I have myself, or I have allowed someone else to plant hurtful lies into Penelope's head. That I have myself, or I have allowed someone to make this all about Harriet. Be assured that is far from the case. Some of the issues you raise in your email I have addressed in the past, and so I also feel that you have come to distrust me and my motives. I'm going to go through your email and respond to each section the best I can. Understand that I have always taken the approach that when someone asks me a question, I conclude that they want an honest answer, so I answer honestly regardless if I feel the person isn't going to like my answer or not. I feel that gives it credibility and I have found that has helped me in life and in my career for that reason.

I have been having an internal debate with myself since the last time gave me an update about Penelope. I have to tell you that parts of your last communication to me, Meredith, made me angry. I decided at that time that perhaps I just needed to stay out of the situation. You see, it made me angry that Penelope was supposedly having nightmares about Harriet crawling through the window to kill her. I immediately asked myself - "Who on earth said something to Penelope to indicate that Harriet would physically harm her?"
This is an example of where I feel you are asking the wrong question. But I will first answer it, since you asked. No one, NO ONE, ever told Penelope that Harriet would physically harm her. Not under my watch, and that is when this paranoia manifested. Penelope has never said that anyone told her that. I told you what Penelope was having these nightmares, not supposedly, but actually having these nightmares. So, in my mind, the right question to ask is "Why is Penelope having these nightmares?" The short answer is guilt and hate. Penelope feels so much guilt, not as much as she used to as her healing progresses, but she felt sooo much guilt towards how much hate she had in her heart. She felt guilty for everything under the sun, everything that has ever happened to her, and everything she felt was bad in life, which was pretty much everything. Her therapists call it "Yuckworld." When you live in Yuckworld, you see everything through hateful eyes. It's like Hell. Kids, including Penelope, have described their life as being Hell. The hate that carried around in her heart that relates to all her guilt is part of her RAD. RAD is a product of her life experiences from 0-3 yrs old. But I'll try to explain that later.. because I know that you are questioning her diagnosis. But at that particular time, all the hate in her heart was directed at Harriet. This was right after her second hospital stay that is directly linked to the time Harriet had moved down to but ended up coming back a few days later but not contacting me to reschedule her visitation, your conversation with her letting her know that, then the conversation Harriet had with Penelope after that. Penelope had so much hate, pure blinding hate towards Harriet for that. I know now that I handled that situation wrong. Knowing now what I know, what I have learned that is now helping her heal. I knew enough then to know that part of what I was trying to do with her is teach her to trust me. Trust that I will keep her safe. Because fundamentally that is what her brain has been trained to do through her trauma, not trust, feel unsafe, even in safe environments. I was working with her therapist at the time, he I was referred to by the staff at Children's Hospital, to figure out what the right thing to do with this new situation, Harriet leaving, and then returning, but not calling me or giving any indication of wanting to reschedule, not knowing if she was only back for a couple of days or what. When Harriet left and wasn't going to be in town for their scheduled visit, I told Penelope that Harriet had moved to and she doesn't have a car right now to come visit. But as soon as she does have a car, she said she would be coming to visit. My first mistake was saying that second part, because Harriet never said that. I was trying to defuse the sitution. But in doing so, I lied. I made a promise that was never made or that I could control. Penelope figured out that lie when you told her on the phone that she was back in town and was surprised she hadn't called. Penelope took that as a lie from both Harriet and me, all mother figures are untrustworthy. But for Penelope, it was ripping a scab off a very old wound related to Harriet. Then when Harriet talked to her later that day, Penelope had asked her "Why didn't you call me?" Harriet responded, and I was there and heard her, "I called your dad, he or should have told you." She processed it to mean two different things... one, that Harriet didn't want to call her, since Harriet didn't actually answer her question which is why didn't SHE call her.. but also that her father and I both knew she was back in town but didn't tell her. I already said why I didn't tell her, but I think it may have been best to have told her, and then figure out how to help her process her feelings about the rest of it from there. But there was still the unanswered questions about what Harriet was going to do next. I was trying to save her from going through the anxiety of asking herself those questions as well as to her own dilemna of whether or not Harriet loves her. I have never, through this day, ever tell Penelope that Harriet doesn't love her. I do tell her that Harriet does love you. I will admit for a while there, I didn't say anything one way or the other because it was hard to see Penelope in so much pain and think that love was ever apart of her relationship with Harriet. But like I said, I have learned a lot, and I know with confidence that Harriet loves Penelope. But that love is not enough.
Back to Penelope's nightmares. When she was in the hospital, she had a psychotic break.. she was so full of hate of Harriet that she filled a journal full of hateful words "KILL" "F*CK" "B*TCH" etc., and drawings, drew all over her pajamas, the walls and talked about her own addiction to smoking. (Harriet smokes) Of course she didn't smoke but it was all part of her psychosis. And then the guilt rolled in. She lived, and sometimes still does, live in a fantasy world. She became so paranoid that Harriet was going to learn about all her hateful thoughts and feelings and want revenge. She was so consumed by her thoughts of Harriet, I can imagine her feel that Harriet would be just as consumed about her. So she had serious problems of sleep and feeling unsafe. I will say over time, her nightmares transitioned from Harriet killing or kidnapping her to end of he world catastrophy type nightmares as well as dinosaurs or aliens. Of course, I told her that Harriet wasn't going to kill her and tried to reassure her, but you can't rationalize this away. Our new, at the time, attachment therapists said that we should put up alarms. I was concerned with supporting Penelope's feelings by putting up alarms but they said that the important point is for Penelope to feel safe. So now we have alarms on all our windows and doors. And it really helped. It took a while, but it helped, as she felt safer.
And my mind went from this train of thought to "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or care taker? And the answer I came up with is this. It all depends on how the other parent and relatives respond to the situation. It depends on how much the child is made to feel that the deserting parent is pond scum, or that the deserting parent didn't want to be the child's parent. With the huge number of divorces occurring now days, if every child whose parent left, developed RAD, our society will soon be full of disfunctional RAD patients. My own two older children were deserted by their father. Kathleen was not quite 1 and Angela was 5. He saw them maybe twice a year. He called on Christmas and birthdays, if he had time.
You gave an answer to your question "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or caretaker?" I don't think it's as simple as you put it. First of all, it's commonly believed that the primary caretaker discussed is the mother, not the father. Not that it isn't possible, but it's the person that is the true primary caregiver. Even in todays' modern lifestyles, it's still considered the mother because the bonding starts pre-birth as well as the fact that mothers are usually the one who is that true primary caregiver even though fathers have tried to take on a larger role in children's lives these days. Also, the conditions that have put the child at risk have to have had during the first 36 months of life, during those development stages of a baby's life. Also, it depends on how many of the conditions and how frequent those high risk conditions were experienced by the child. Also, and a pretty significant point, is the child's resilience. I have wondered the same thing, maybe in a different way.. "Why isn't Reactive Attachment Disorder more well known?" I would think that there would be more cases than there are. What I have learned is that it's not as uncommon as the general public would think since it's not well known. But the cases that aren't the rare cases related to medical issues as infants, is because most of the cases are found in the foster and adoption world. Maybe the agencies that find placements for these children aren't the most forthcoming about the possible emotional disturbance issues some of these kids have. They may say something like "this child is currently in therapy for some issues.." but who wouldn't be in that situation? But RAD is more than depression or social issues due to low self-esteem or whatever we might think a child who has been in the foster system may indure. I've even heard of adoption cases, where the child was adopted within the first few weeks of life, but still ended up have RAD. I would say that probably has to do with resilience.
How did George handle this situation? I think you mean, did he Harriet bash? I don't know that answer because I wasn't there when it was just the two of them. I know he knew that as a family we didn't allow that, but I can see him say things to other people in front of her or during times he was upset with her.
What kind of single parent was he? I think he was a shitty single parent. Like I said before, love is not enough.
How did he respond to Debbie's Penelope bashing and even kicking Penelope out of the house? Again, this isn't a question for me but for George. I can tell you what I know based on past conversations. He took Debbie's Penelope bashing as Penelope is misbehaving and believed everything that Debbie said. I wouldn't doubt that Penelope wasn't misbehaving, but instead of looking at the behavior as a symptom to something else, Penelope was just viewed as a bad child who was having a hard time transitioning into the new family. He was upset that Penelope was kicked out of the house but he tried to save that marriage hoping that Debbie could change. I'm not as forgiving but it wasn't my marriage but if it was my marriage it would have been a deal breaker.
How much was said about Harriet within Penelope's hearing range, or when nobody thought Penelope was listening? I don't know, I wasn't there. I know from what Penelope has told me that Debbie, being the horrible person that she was, said bad things about Harriet to Penelope but I believe because she is jealous of Penelope's affection for Harriet. Debbie was jealous of everyone. She was jealous of George's relationship with Penelope, my relationship with Penelope, and Penelope's love for Harriet. Penelope did hear the break up conversation between George and Debbie, and it was mostly about Penelope. Debbie didn't want Penelope. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that these line of questions, that are similar to questions you have asked in the past, are implying that you think that this is either not Harriet's fault or that it's not only Harriet's fault. I agree in that it's not just Harriet that contributed to Penelope's emotional disturbance. Harriet, as her primary caregiver, created the conditions that caused Penelope's RAD, but George, as a parent, didn't prevent it and aggravated it by not providing a consistent, structured, safe and healing lifestyle for Penelope. (That's putting it simply - you'd have to read long first blog that lays out the history to see what has gone on.) Because she never learned to have a true emotional bond, not the clinging anxiety ridden bond she had with people, but a trusting, calming, true bond, she went through her life anxiety ridden and feeling unsafe and in "yuckworld" and addressed each new experience and situation from that perspective. So, even things like thunderstorms re-traumatized her. Harriet continued to re-traumatize her through her actions of disappearing, talking about how mean Bob (2nd husband) is to her, having her "secret" of taking her away when she turns 13 or whatever, and cancelling vistations. Debbie also re-traumatized her with her yelling and finger pointing and villified sterotypical step-mother persona. All three of these people are dysfuctional contributing to Penelope's distrubance. You may have picked up on that I said Geoff didn't "prevent it" either. I'm not talking about Heather leaving. I'm talking about the neglect that occurred in the house. I know that Heather has denied locking Molly in her room but she admitted it to the Attachment Therapists when her and Bob met with them several months ago. She said she locked her in there for her own protection so Penelope wouldn't run around the house while she was sleeping (during the day). I've told you this, and told you that you can call
at to discuss that and any of Penelope's case. I don't know if you still believe that it's not true but you wouldn't be the first to accuse me of feeding the therapists and Penelope lies. George, who knows that I think he is a shitty dad, also has made that accusation to defend himself. I shared that with the therapists, because it's hard to tolerate being accused of doing something that would be so against everything I am and have been doing for Penelope. They said that, they hear what I and my parents say, and what Harriet and George have both said, but the evidence is Penelope. They see what Penelope has done and how she is. Penelope is all the evidence they need to know that she is RAD, that the things that have been said have happened as they witness the ramifications of it.
Penelope's current relationship with both her mother and her father have nothing to do with punishment for the past, even though I know they both have said that. There are two reasons for it. First, Penelope needs to have the break she needs, on her own timing, to get strong enough to deal with the emotions that come with seeing her parents, for different reasons. Secondly, both her parents need to come to terms with the behaviors they have that contribute that continued to aggrevate Penelope's trauma so that they won't do it again. In order to do that, they have to look at what they done to know what not to do again.

I had a choice to make Karl out to be a demon, a bottom dweller of a father, a bastard - whatever. Or I could tell Angela and Kathleen that their father loved them and make good sounding excuses for him not being around more. I chose the latter and guess what - they are both highly successful people who now have a decent relationship with their father. I'm glad that worked for you but I don't think they were at risk of RAD, they had you.
It also has made me angry that my daughter, Harriet, has been treated as if she doesn't exist. She has been treated as if she is not a person, as if she has no feelings. I have never treated Harriet badly. I have never yelled at her, even though we have had a couple conversations over the years where she probably didn't like what I had to say, but like I said, if you ask me, I will be honest for the good or bad. I've never called her names, or told her I hated her or anything of the kind. Tell me, how am I suppose to treat her differently than I am? I keep it very cordial and positive. I tell her how things are going with Penelope, the good and the bad. What else do you want me to do? I am waiting.. and working on Molly's healing, but waiting for Harriet to do her part for herself and Penelope and address whatever it is inside her that causes her to hurt Penelope. (Penelope's Psychiatrist in the hospital wrote a formal letter stating that Penelope shouldn't see Harriet until Harriet addresses any drug/alcohol or any other issues that she has that causes her to re-traumatize Penelope via a therapist and then they could be reunited through family therapist sessions once they both were ready.. that was 11 months ago. I know of one therapy appointment she has attended and that was 2 months ago...) But I can't be everything to everyone. I do the best that I can and Molly is first and foremost in my priorities. Above everything else, including myself, my career, my life. It's too bad she is so offended by her percieved maltreatment.
No communication on Mother's Day, or her birthday. In fact, not much communication at all. Phone calls, from my understanding, often do not get returned or if they do get returned, it is after many days have passed. You are right, phone calls are infrequent. As I told Harriet, I can not talk to her while Penelope is around. When Penelope is at school or camp, I am at work. Any personal time or flexibility on my work time is eaten up and then some by Molly's needs. It is honestly rare, that I can call Harriet. I only talk to my mom and my dad. Once in a while my but it's limited too. I told her the only time I can call her is when Penelope is at her tutor's. But I also use that time to go to the grocery store because shopping with is a disaster waiting to happen (so true!). But that's really the best time. So when she calls me on a Thursday, the next time I can call her usually is Tuesday. I have told her over and over again that the best method is email. She gave me her new email address about 3 weeks ago and I have emailed her twice. She left me a message telling me that she got it but her phone wouldn't let her email back and she was going to go to the library.
In fact, one of the reasons I stopped communicating with Penelope - cards, a little money here or there, was also lack of response, or great delay in response so that I was unsure if she even got anything I sent her. The last two email I sent you, you never responded. But I did tell you that she got her money and what she spent it on, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I know that you have sent thank you cards for her to complete and all that, but it's like telling a child who is just rolled around in the mud to not get the carpet dirty. I can't force her to write thank you cards. Not that she wasn't grateful, not that I didn't tell her to and put her in a chair with a pencil and the cards, but I wasn't going to battle her about it. I have much bigger battles. If this emotionally disturbed child's lack of social etiquette is enough for you to not send her cards and notes or whatever, that's unfortunate. Or I guess it's my lack of parenting abilities that you are punishing her for? I'm not sure... Speaking of which, I guess I forgot to address the Mother's Day and Penelope's birthday issue. I don't even know when Harriet's birthday is. But, like Mother's Day, I am not forcing Penelope to do anything that isn't true to her heart and is going to cause her more trauma. I know that you told me the prior Mother's Day, when Harriet called and wanted to talk to Penelope, that I should have made Penelope talk to her, I am still not going to do that. (She said, "Who is the adult there??" when she called me after Harriet called her upset. But Harriet told her I wouldn't let Penelope talk to her when it was Penelope who didn't want to talk. Sarah probably just didn't want to have to backtrack and made an issue out of it anyway.) Penelope doesn't want to talk to Harriet right now. She still has anger towards her. But we talk about letting go of that anger. I talk about hate being a self-destructive emotion and forgiveness being a calming emotion. But she has to come to it on her own. She has anger towards George and definitly Debbie too, but we are talking about Harriet in this forum. Like I said, I've never allowed it, to George''s chagrin, to be all about Harriet.
Harriet is my daughter, despite whatever she has done and despite the fact that she has problems that keep her from supporting herself or even taking very good care of herself. I am essentially her only support. Just as we would all like to see Penelope as a happy, functioning young lady, I would like to see my daughter happy. I know she is unhappy, and not seeing Penelope contributes a piece to her overall unhappiness. But I can only think of Penelope. I will not sacrifice Penelope for Harriet or Geoff. Harriet knows what she needs to do. Penelope needs her to do those things in order to be around Penelope too.. because Penelope needs a chance at having a life. She has worked so hard, I've worked so hard, not that I matter here. But right now, Penelope needs me. So I do matter for her. If Harriet began to see Penelope in all her dysfunction, Penelope would start to die. If you saw what I have seen, you would know that I mean that literally. To have a child threaten and make plans to kill herself, to beg you to kill her and put her out of her misery, to make the most painful agonizing screams and cries using up all her energy until she practically passes out, you would believe me when I tell you that. And I honestly don't know if I could survive starting over all that again.
I'm sure you all feel that you are doiing what's best for Penelope and I have no problem in saying that you have essentially raised Penelope. I do not know if I agree with what is going on now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I do not agree. I am doing what is best for Penelope, proof is in the pudding. I forgive you.
One question - Is it truly Penelope's choice not to see Harriet? No, it's not Penelope's choice. She didn't ask the doctors and specialists not to see Harriet, but she hasn't asked to see her either.
Or has Penelope been told it's not good for her to see Harriet right now? No, Penelope hasn't asked to see Harriet. Not yet at least. I hope that someday she will want to because I don't want her to have hate in her heart for her anymore.
Or has Penelope been led to believe that Harriet does not even want to see her now? No, Penelope has been told that Harriet wants her to get stronger (which is the term we use to talk about her level of health) and is giving Penelope the time and space she needs in order to do that.
Does Penelope know that Harriet DOES want to see her? Not directly, no. I tell Penelope that I talk to Harriet and she calls wanting to know how she is doing and that she is happy to hear when she is getting stronger. So indirectly yes. Penelope has had too much issues with guilt in letting Harriet down causing her to do the things she has done to Penelope. She is told that she loves her and is proud of her progress.