I think things are going good right now. I've kinda touched on it a little in the a couple prior posts but I guess I'm just waiting for it to really start to falter. I see it here and there.. like when we had dinner with my mom two nights ago, and then the aftermath yesterday morning. But I think Camp is going well for her and it's helping her feel good about her self. She isn't allowed to play with the younger kids, so she can't be in control. Her closest friend there is 14 years old and she is a sweet girl. She is very girlly and they have exchanged phone numbers. When Penelope calls her, they go on and on and on and on and on. Penelope doesn't do that with any of her same age friends. But they talk about their cats and how funny they are. She uses her of age voice, no baby voice. She is appropriate and communicates well. She even ends the calls and is polite about it. She will say "Whew! That girl can talk!" I haven't heard her lie to her, which is what she used to do with people on the phone. Tell them some off the cuff story with no meaning or purpose, other than to fool them.
I haven't given her the birthday cards yet. Kinda don't want to. She is doing so well right now, I don't want to ruin it. But then, this would be the best time, because she is being strong right now. Her one friend from school, who was in Dream Camp with, who she had over for her birthday party, invited her to stay the night last night. It was last minute and I was torn but felt that she needs to strengthen her friendship with this girl because it's important to her. I know she won't do anything that will embarrass herself too much. She just got home a little bit ago and I was told she was very good. She did want a snack at 10:30pm last night. She was offered a cheese stick but she didn't want that. She probably wanted crap to eat. Her friends Mom said no, but felt totally unsure about that. She also told her that she was allowed to have Sprite for breakfast. I was like "nuh huh" and she said "That's what I thought and I told her no." She was feeling unsure because I'm sure Penelope was very convincing like "doesn't everybody??" But if that is the worst of it, I think that is a total success. Her friend's mom knows a little about Penelope's problems, and she has been very understanding but she doesn't know enough to be "helpful" in the greater sense. I just know that her older daughter has mental/emotional problems so she can empathize. It's odd, but the people in our lives that are not judgemental and/or actually supportive have had their own experiences with emotional disturbance/trauma. Penelope's camp counselor, her friend's mother, her tutor...
I got to sleep in this morning which was soooooooooo nice. I didn't wake up until 10:30. Yeah! It was wonderful. I am in a good mood.. I am not sure why but I guess I shouldn't question it. I just know the last time Penelope was having a few good days, I wouldn't let myself. I think it's partially because I've "met" online another RAD mom who I'm sure I've bugged the heck out of but I hope that the things that I have shared with her about our experiences will save her some of the hardship she is going through now. This is such a lonely world, you feel trapped in your house, in your world, fighting everything and everyone and it just makes you feel that much lonelier and it gives me strength to have that connection - that I'm not alone. I guess it's selfish to get happiness and strength from someone else's hardship but it's not like I'm glad she, or her child, is going through this.. my darkest days... but I think you know what I mean. But if it gives her strength in the same way than all the better. Because I think that's the one thing that I really struggled with. Even though Penelope's therapists would call me strong, tell Penelope I'm strong enough, tell me I'm doing a good job etc etc... I couldn't hear it. It only made me mad to hear it, to feel like they were lying to me and especially to Penelope. "Your mom isn't strong!" I wanted to tell her.. but I couldn't. She needs to have assurance in my strength. I would think "I'm not strong enough for this!" But then what's the alternative? It's not an option I could live with, I'm definitly not strong enough for that! So you push through... hoping to come out the other end.
But I'm feeling good right now.. thank you so much for giving me the strength to allow myself to enjoy Penelope's health and not fear what's coming.
Today we have therapy and I hope Penelope is strong enough to talk about her video she made. I think it will be hard for her but I think she will feel better talking about it.
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