A break

I'm doing okay today. My parents took Penelope for Saturday and today. Well, mostly my dad. I had asked them if they would take her for the weekend, or at least half of it. I was kinda hoping my mom would spend the weekend here and I would spend it at their house but it wasn't in the cards. Since Penelope has tutor on Saturday morning, and it's over by me and they don't live very close, they suggested that they pick her up from tutor and take her until Sunday night dinner.
My mom called me Saturday morning - I was not at a good moment. I couldn't wait to take Penelope to tutor. I had already had a long 18 hours with her. My mom wanted to spend the day with me, take me to see a movie, or lunch.. maybe go to a salon and get our nails done. How could I possible do that? I means it's all nice and everything, but how I can possible go spend money on things like that with my financial situation. Regardless of that, I didn't want to. I didn't want to do those normal things. I had also made plans with my cousin from an estranged part of our family who my twin brother and I have recently started to talk to. We got together last week and she is so very supportive. She invited me to hang out with her and her family at her house Saturday night. My mom is unaware of my relationship to my cousin and it's just not something I want to deal with right now so I didn't tell her about my plans. Not that she really asked, just insisted on spending the day with me, even though I told her I didn't want to go anywhere. She assumed I just wanted to sleep, because in her mind that's alllll I probably do. Sleep is a luxury that escapes me lately lol. I took a two hour nap last weekend and well, it was the best sleep I've gotten in such a long time. I don't sleep well at night and I can't sleep during the day.
I told her that it would be nice for her to spend the day with me but I have no intentions of going anywhere. I really liked the idea of my mom being here for me. She has got warm hands that feels great when she is petting your head. Yes, I'm 34 and love when my mom lovingly rubs my head. It mealts the tension. I really needed her.
So, let's go back to where I left off at my last post. Since it seems every day there is SOMETHING. Friday, I received a text message from Penelope's teacher, Mrs. Brown, that said that Penelope has a phone number in her pocket from two brothers. She promised her that she would tell me about it. When I picked Penelope up from school, she seemed irritated, pissy really. I asked about her day and I got the newly standard answer "Fine." I kept looking at her because she looked angry and I asked her about it. She told me that this boy - I'll call him Jeremy - got her in trouble. I asked her to explain. She said she was him staring at her and he looked back at him and he said "What??" and she said "'Nothing.. you are staring at me.' Then he told Ms. Knob on me and she believed him not me." It didn't really make any sense and you could tell she was either leaving pieces out or made it up by the way she thinking before each thing she said. That wasn't important to me though, this phone number she has is. I gave her the opportunity to tell me about this phone number and she didn't. Usually she would under normal circumstances. Not anymore I guess. I texted Mrs. Brown back and told her she didn't tell me yet, but this is why she doesn't have a cell phone and I don't have a landline. She has asked about Penelope having a cell phone before - I just don't picture that would happen any time soon. I also said that I was curious how long it would be before she tell me, and that I'd let her know. Her response was also, that Penelope asked this Jeremy in her class to be her boyfriend, but he turned her down. Ahh, so that's what that story was about. I told her about the story.
I debated about what to do about the phone number and this new news about Jeremy. I decided if she didn't say anything by dinner, I'd bring it up. She didn't, so I brought it up at dinner. I asked her if there was anything she was suppose to tell me. She didn't know what I was talking about. When I disclosed what I knew, she looked mad. I said "You promised Mrs. Brown you'd tell me and you didn't." She said "I was going to tell you.... Just not today." Not until she could be in a position to call the number I guess. I held out my hand and reluctantly she gave it to me. I asked one of them was in her class, or what. She said they were the boys at therapy. What?? Oh my God! When we went up to attachment therapy, there were these two boys in the waiting room. One looked about her age, the other was a year or two older. They both seemed kind of punkish - like troubled boys. Well, you aren't in this place unless you have trauma or attachment issues. They were being borderline disruptive in the waiting room while we were waiting, and other family. But since Beth wasn't there, Penelope had to wait in the waiting room while Carrie and I talked. The other family had left, and the receptionist had gone off duty. I forgot she left shortly after our session is suppose to start. So, during the 30 minutes I was in with Carrie, these two boys and Penelope had been left unattended. During that time, at a minimum, they gave her their phone number. I talked to Penelope about keeping things from me. I told her that one of the things that keeps things good between us is her openness with me. That I am here to help her. When she stops telling me things, then things will get very tight around here. We've talked about that, because basically that's what has kept her out of the hospital on several occasions. She tells me when she feels like hurting herself, or me. She hasn't wanted to in a while - supposedly. After I talked a little bit about honesty, she confessed that she had also given them her number - which is my cell number. No worries there. She said that the one boy kept saying that the other boy liked her. Hopefully that's all that transpired. Ugh, I can't believe I wasn't more careful with her. I also told her I knew about Jeremy turning her down. I told her that I am sorry she was rejected but we have talked about her and boyfriends right now. She needs to focus on herself and not worry about getting a boyfriend right now. She denied denied denied. Well, the message was sent. But obviously she is now into keeping potentially dangerous secrets. She claims she was afraid I was going to yell at her. These are not the situations where I yell. I can handle my emotions in these situations. I know that she needs to be able to feel like she can tell me things. I reminded her that every time she had told me things that has done or was a part of, I have never yelled. She agreed.
But I know that isn't the reason she didn't tell me. She didn't tell me because she wanted to do what she wanted without me knowing.
After dinner she watched a movie. I told her once she was done, she needed to clean out the litter boxes. She agreed to do it. But the next thing I know I forgot and it was bed time and I wanted her to go to bed.
After I put her to bed I remembered that she didn't do her chore. I decided to have her do it in the morning. I think that's where my frustration started.
I didn't sleep well at all that night, finally falling asleep in time to not wake up to my alarm - to get up before Penelope does. Did I hear her door alarm go off? Maybe, but I don't remember. I found her standing over me. I snapped at her to get out of my room.
She had already been up long enough to be in full bouncing off the walls un-medicated mode. I got up and got her meds in her. I told her that she needs to clean out the litter boxes before I would make her breakfast. She also needed to shower but I know better than to tell her that in advance. But it took her 15 minutes to partly clean out one box. It would take an hour for her to clean out the 3 at this rate. We didn't have time. I told her to put it down and take a shower and THEN I'll make her breakfast. Food is a motivator sometimes in the morning. When she sang as loud as she could in the shower, I did the litter boxes, and laid out her things to wear and to pack for her time with her grandparents. She finally came out of the shower and got dressed. She had to go downstairs to get her backpack she left in her play room. I told her to get the overnight bag from where we keep our luggage so she can pack up her overnight stuff. She was down there for a while. She started playing. I got her to come up and told her to pack her bag. She didn't take the bag any further than the top of the steps. I went to take it into her room so she can pack but when I picked it up I found it was full of toys. I asked where she planned on putting her clothes. All she said was "Oh." I told her she needed to figure it out. I then emailed her tutor letting her know that we were probably going to be late and will be there as Penelope gets done being in la la land.
Finally we left with Penelope caring three bags, her backpack, a suitcase full of toys, and a bag with clothes. Fine. The benefit of having her tutor be Laurie is she gets it and doesn't think twice about these kinds of things.
I haven't talked about our insurance issues and it's just one more thing but I had to get one of her prescriptions filled and I was told that it would be covered by Saturday. But... it wasn't. Being Saturday, no one is available to call. But I'm not going to go into all that. I'm just going to hope that Monday I can get it fixed. I already had to pay $180 to get her one prescription filled - she doesn't function at all without this one, and I can be refunded as soon as the coverage shows active, but I can't pay over $200 for this one so she is just going to have to do without for a couple of days. I don't take that litely.
My mom came over and she TRIED to talk me into going out.. We talked a bit, we bathed Drew (I'll talk about him later) and we watched a movie. It was nice - minus some of the talking. But it was good.
It was too late to go over my cousins, and I had already emailed her with change in plans earlier in the day. She understood but left the door open to come when she leaves. I called my twin brother to see if I could come over on Sunday (today) to take advantage of the opportunity to visit them without Penelope. They already had plans to attend a kids birthday party. Will try again soon.
Another sleepless night but at least I got to sleep in this morning so I feel much better. My parents will be here in a few hours with Penelope and the weekend will be over. But my mom is going to be coming by in the afternoons she said - at least Monday and Tuesday. That will be nice.

Something not so depressing....

Okay, I write about how frustrating my lack of support is and talk about the support I do have. I have failed to include 3 additional supportive names to that list. If they could read and found out the haven't been discussed, I'd be in a serious world of poo. It's actually quite embarrassing. My twin brother makes fun of my relationship with them. He tells me that I'm going to turn into the crazy old cat lady. I grew up with a dog and never liked cats. When I had my first apartment by myself, I wanted a pet but couldn't commit to the high needs of a dog. A friend of mine talked me into getting a cat and she knew someone who's cat just had kittens. That's when I got Benny. He is going on 10 years old and I love him very very much. Since Penelope has come into our daily lives, he has gotten old. Or grumpy I guess. Oddly enough, he is grumpy now but loves Penelope. When she first moved in, he would urinate on her bed. On a couple of occasions he went nuts and tried to attack her to the point I had to barricade her door. Makes you wonder what she did to him. I had to spend the night in her bed one night when she wasn't there in order to get him to stop peeing on her bed. His fits to attack her were a reaction to her fits so it was one way to get her to stop fitting - and it worked ironically enough. Now they love each other. He likes to chase her and smack her on the back of her legs while she runs from one end of the house to the other. It's quite entertaining actually. He sleeps at the foot of her bed at night - I'm not worried about her hurting him. He demands a certain about of respect and fear from her. Since the door alarm went in, it's been tricky but she knows if she is violent, Benny isn't allowed to stay in her room - for his safety. She doesn't like being thought of that way and is pretty good about it lately. But let me tell you, it's hell when he isn't allowed in her room. He has figured out how to open her door.
This cutie pie is Nancy. Nancy and Drew are Penelope's cats. To help Penelope feel like she had things that truly belonged to her (with conditions), I wanted to get her a cat for her birthday when she turned 11. She had just been diagnosed with RAD but before I really knew anything about it. I knew she had just gotten out of the hospital for wanting to end her life and was very sad and emotionally troubled girl. I didn't know the full extent of her abuse. I thought that having a pet of her own would be therapeutic in learning social skills, being loved and giving love. Nancy is the more timid cat. The kind I typically hated. They hide when guests come, don't like to be held or picked up, don't trust, etc. The only reason I adopted her, initially, was because in all my research the 6 months prior. The places we talked to would either strongly recommend or require when adopting kittens, that you adopt two. At first I thought "Heck no!" but the idea grew on me as I also really wanted to do this for Penelope. My only hangup on getting a kitten for her was how it would affect Benny. I was also told that with the age discrepancy between Benny and a kitten that it would help Benny by having the kitten have someone ELSE to play with. My twin brother of course used that bit of information to support his theory to my naivety. Ironically Nancy demonstrates some of the same behaviors Penelope has and has shown Penelope how sometimes it takes longer for certain people to trust. That even eye contact can be uncomfortable to some. Nancy and I have been come great friends and Penelope sees that and sees that it's about interaction.
This is Drew. If you haven't figured it out yet on your own, yes... Nancy and Drew.. Nancy Drew. Penelope loves the computer games. We have most of them. Drew is Penelope's favorite and she will tell you that. We picked the Nancy and Drew pair because of Drew. He has the perfect personality for Penelope. He is very laid back. He will speak up and tell you he doesn't like something but it takes a lot to get him to that point. He isn't afraid of Penelope and lets her carry him around, though he's grown to be a huge cat. He will stay with her if she puts him next to her. He is just a very agreeable cat. She has learned a lot from him too. About love I think. She will never try to run away again, because Drew is here. When she thought she was going to jail, the think that upset her the most was that she wouldn't get to see her Drew.
Now, it wasn't their purpose but they have been helpful for me as well. They are my comic relief, company during my days alone, and just warm and soft to hug when I need one. I could tell you some stories.
This weekend they mostly hung out in Penelope's room. They do that when she isn't home. But my mom and I bathed Drew. He has never had a bath but he has started to stink a bit too much lately. He is kinda lazy and being black shows all. I sweep my hardwood floors but he beat me to the punch this week I guess. He tolerated the bath fairly well. I think I'm fairly good at giving cats baths anyway. I used to bathe Benny frequently until he got older. I think younger cats have to practice the whole self-cleaning thing I guess. Nancy does fine with cleaning though, she is constantly cleaning and enjoys it purring loudly the entire time. Maybe that's a female cat thing.
But I just wanted to 1) share something less depressing, and 2) share my in-house support system.

Options? Support?

It's been a while since I've posted. I am just emotionally numb, which is an improvement to the constant sadness and anger and guilt I have been typically fighting with. It all came back again last night at attachment therapy. Last week's attachment therapy went short because Beth wasn't there. Just Carrie. Carrie does the bioneurfeedback and depending on her schedule, sits in with Penelope after Beth and I have gone over everything that's gone on and tried to figure out what to do next. When Beth isn't there, Penelope just gets her bioneurofeedback. Beth wasn't there... again. Her mother had a medical emergency. Obviously that's more important, but it's not like it's rare that Beth isn't there. It happens at least once a month, and then because of the holidays, a time we really need more support, the last two weeks we didn't have an appointment. And then she isn't there. It definitely makes it hard to feel supported. I already have feelings like when we have a crisis, she isn't available for us. Every crisis we have had, I haven't been able to get a hold of her and she doesn't have availability to get us in the office prior than our standing weekly appointment. In the past, I just have tried to look at that from the stance that "What really can she do over the phone or in a earlier appointment.." But I recently just feel... abandoned really.. I mean I know this is just her job but this is our life. It takes us over an hour to and from their office to show up and find out that she isn't there.
Then Saturday, Penelope had tutor with her favorite person, Laurie. Laurie figured out that Penelope hadn't been doing her work and called her out on it. Penelope saw it as Laurie not believing her. I got a call halfway through her tutor session asking to pick Penelope up 25 minutes late because Penelope has to do chores for restitution for not having her reading done etc. Not a first and not surprising. When I picked up Penelope she was happy and content with having to do chores and said that her tutor session went fine. But then later that day I got a voicemail from Laurie talking about how much attitude Penelope gave her, how defiant, and how she has never acted that way with her. Great.. Not a good sign - the fact it happened and then the fact that she was covering it up. I brought it up nonchalantly at dinner and she got upset to learn that I knew what happened. She went on about how Laurie didn't believe her. I asked her if she has not had her reading log completed because she hadn't read before? Yes, several times. So it would be understandable for her not to believe her this time. She agreed - sort of.
Sunday, we did weekend chores - changed linens, laundry, floors etc. She was good about her chores - I think I broke her on the chores issue. She did chores for 2 weeks straight after abusing her cousins. Her grandparents were coming over for our weekly Sunday night dinner that we have either at our home or theirs. I gave her about a two hour heads up because after her chores she played in her play room. She was excited because she wanted to set up her play room for when Grandma gets there. Dinner is at 7pm and they are getting there at 6pm. She knows bedtime is 9pm. After dinner, she wants to hurry and go play with Grandma. Papaw asks her if she has her homework done. Penelope hesitates. I asked about her Social Studies that she told me about on Friday. I assumed it was done at tutor but I learned she never mentioned her Social Studies at tutor when she gave me a dirty stare and said "no." Grandma said very lightly "Oh, well you just need to get your homework done before we can play. So get to it." She grunted and folded her hands with a big pouty face. I asked her "What is more important? Playing or homework?" She grunted again and said "I am not saying." I pointed out that It's 7:45 and the longer she sits there the less time she has. She has 1:15 to get her homework done and play before bedtime. 30 minutes of that has to be designated for reading. You could see her do the math in her head. She slammed her chair back and ran into her room throwing herself onto her bed. She just kept repeating "I WANT TO PLAY!" I honestly at the moment didn't know what to do. I went in and tried to get her to calm down, not addressing her want but just her tantrum. But I learned at that moment she was mad at me for ratting her out about her Social Studies. Of course. My parents just sat in the dining room stunned with her behavior. I told them I was going to need them to leave. That Penelope was going to need to go to bed early. Homework was obviously not going to happen, and neither is playtime. She will just continue to throw her tantrum and look for their sympathy if they stick around. I was able to get her to take her nighttime pills - it was that time anyway. She continued to grunt and complain and wouldn't talk to me. My dad went in her room, in hopes she would do some of her homework. He ended up reading to her some of the book she is reading until she was ready to fall asleep.
She slept pretty good for the first time in a while, I think at least. I didn't hear her get up through out the night. Minus the fact she left a trail wherever she went, she was able to get dressed and eat breakfast in time to be on time for school. She has been tardy almost every other day the past few weeks. I've asked about her earning a detention but she hasn't received any. Someone there thinks that is helping - but they are wrong.
Then Monday I found out my house is going into foreclosure. I know I said before that my dad said he wasn't going to allow me to lose my house, but I don't blame him. He has done so much for us already. We all have our limits. I've applied for some kind of loan modification but without a decent job, the likelihood of that happening is slim I'm sure. I can't talk about what will have to happen to us if I do lose my house. It's too depressing.
Tuesday, (besides her being late for school, again) I got Penelope out of school early and we went to our 2:30 appointment with the place we were referred to by Childrens' Services. However, we didn't have an appointment for Tuesday - even though I confirmed it with the person who I set it up with. It's not until 2:30 NEXT Tuesday. This was another large disappointment because this was suppose to be the time I get to figure out what our options are for treatment for her. To have a clue what I'm suppose to do with her and all this. It's also suppose to be when I find out what help I can get so I can not be such a mess myself.
Yesterday we had our weekly attachment therapy appointment. I got a weird voicemail from the receptionist confirming the appointment - something they never do and I was half expecting it to be letting me know that Beth isn't going to be there. I was hoping her mother was okay. She is in her 90s and was hoping not to get a call from them because that would mean something bad. It was a weird voicemail because she never said who she was, where she was calling from and kept messing up the date and time. That was the only thing that tipped me off who it was because every time she has called me about changing the time due to weather etc. she always trips over her words. But to me, this was confirmation that Beth WAS going to be there. On the trip up I thought to myself "If she isn't there, we are leaving and not keeping the appointment - and I'm going to quit them." When it was our time, Carrie came out and Penelope got up to go with her to do her bioneurofeedback. But she said "I want to talk to your Mom first." Um, okay.. Maybe Beth's mom did die. Something is wrong. Nope. It's just Beth isn't there again. She is on vacation in Mexico! But Carrie knew enough to know that I needed support. I just broke down. I need more support than she can give me. I told her that I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm losing my house, I am still having a really hard time being around Penelope, she is getting worse, her school is allowing it to get worse, I practically had to beg for services from Children Services, that respite care is only for foster parents, that we went to the appointment scheduled and they said it's not until next week, her mother doesn't know what happened but has been emailing me, her father doesn't like where I'm taking Penelope for services but wants a "second opinion" about his visitation status - I'm just spent. She ranted a little about Children Services - that if I had men in and out of my house, and had a drug problem -I'd get all kinds of services. I told her that I don't understand how they can't be more lax'd about offering services since I'm a relative who is saving them money than having her in their system. She agreed but it's nothing we can do anything about. She asked me if I wanted to continue to do it. I told her I don't know! If I say no and give her over to one of her parents, how will that help anything? It won't. I just don't know if I CAN do it. I can't see a month from now. Two months from now. I don't have any foreseeable options. She agrees that I'm pretty much have no options. Vented about the system a little bit more.. Then we talked about have to move forward with parenting Penelope. She knows that I am struggling with being nurturing and have put up this wall and have guilt because that's probably why she isn't getting better. She said that Penelope will always want that nurturing side and will eat it up and it will never be enough. What I should do is put up that emotional wall and parent her at arms length and do what I've been doing. I've provided her with what she needs, just not with all that she wants. She needs the stability, consistency, and care. Love is not enough. I need to keep things structured and continue to hold her accountable. I shouldn't be in charge of her healing, she should be. I can't do it alone.
She wanted to start by having a talk with Penelope about her behaviors and felt she was strong enough to hear it. She brought Penelope back to her office and Penelope saw that I had been crying and just looked at me with an examining type of expression. Carrie asked her how she thought things were going. Penelope said she thought okay. Carrie brought up some of the things I had told her like the mornings. Carrie told her that it was her responsibility to get herself off to school on time. That from now on if she is not ready,I was going to call the school and let them know that she was going to be late or not in at all because she isn't dressed. Eventually, they will have to call the police and they will have to force you to go to school. Penelope just looked at her with daggers in her eyes. Then a few minutes later she started to cover her eyes and cry. She didn't do the baby stuff she usually does with Beth, pulling her coat up over her face and not talking. I thought that was interesting. Carrie asked her why she was upset. Penelope said because she is stupid, doing stupid things. Carrie asked her how it feels to make stupid decisions. Penelope said she is unhappy and she wants to be happy like she was for those two weeks - referring to a little bit longer than that period when she was in "happyland" several months ago. Carrie said "So it hurts you to make these stupid decisions. Well, then quit hurting yourself. Do you think you can stop hurting yourself and make better decisions?" Penelope said she could.
But she can't - obviously. She "forgot" some homework she had to do that I reminded her off once we got home that is always due on Friday. But she didn't want to do it, she wanted to play. She would do it at 8:55. Bedtime is at 9:00. I told her that she can't do her homework past 9:00, it's bedtime. I didn't force her to do her homework - it's not my responsibility. When I found her in her room at 9:05 trying to do her homework, I told her to put it away. She held it like she was going to rip it in half, threatening - saying "I should just rip it up and get an F then. I should just stop doing my homework and get an F and then fail and have to stay in 6th grade and fail again and stay again and again and again!" I said "If that is what you want." She didn't like that. I told her "Bedtime is 9:00. If you want to get up early and finish it, that's up to you." She said she would do it in the morning but didn't want to get up early and set her alarm for her regular time. She tried to get her homework done this morning, but didn't have enough time. She was actually upset by this.
I called my mom and asked if I could get a break this weekend. She talked to my dad and they are going to take her after her tutoring session on Saturday until Sunday night. It's not long enough, but anything more is selfish.

Visit with my Brother

My dad called me early yesterday and told me to go ahead and head over to my twin brother's house - that he will pick up Penelope from school and hang out with her until I get home. I gathered my things and went over his house. My niece and nephew greeted me with open arms. They are so sweet. My niece, who is 3, wanted me to play in their toy room with her. She wanted to play beauty salon. We played for like 45 minutes. Then I told her I had to go check on her daddy. He was watching TV with his son, who is 5. The house was a mess, worse than I'd ever seen it. Ususally it's rather clean, sometimes laundry folded on the sofa and toys on the floor but now, the sink was overflowing, trash everywhere etc. It was pretty obvious how depressed my brother and my sister-in-law is. Especially my brother. Every time I talk to him, he says how he is in a bad or funky mood. Like he is trying to say it's just at that moment, but it seems like he is always in that mood. So, I just started cleaning beginning in his kitchen. He didn't want me to but didn't really stop me either. I told him I know exactly where he is and I wish I had someone to clean my house when I couldn't muster the energy. He ended up taking a nap while I cleaned. I set the kids up on NickJr. on the computer while I worked around them. Anything I can do to help him feel better will make me feel better too. He offered me to stay for dinner. My sister-in-law got home from work. I was nervous about seeing her. I hadn't talked to her since that night and before she knew. My brother has kept reassuring me she was okay with me but I still worried. But she was just the same with me as she has always been. Before I left, we did have a good heart to heart and we both cried. She said she doesn't hold any ill will towards me at all. She doesn't blame me at all. She just feels so bad for me because of all that I have sacrificed to take care of Penelope and here we are. Is it enough? How much more can I go on? I hear her and have had the exact same questions. But I told her that I have made this commitment to be her mother and the catch 22 is that her progress with her RAD is based on this commitment. If I were to abandon her, we might as well as commit her. She would become a psychopath. She was there once. But I get it, I don't know how she could have done what she has done with all the work and progress we have done. What's next? I talked to her about their interest in having her hospitalized or locked up. She said that she just doesn't know if Penelope can get better anymore. That it's hard to think it's safe for her not to be locked up. I told her that I understand that and from my conversations with my brother and how we feel, we just have so many questions. I am going to keep looking for the best treatment plan for her regardless what that is with the understanding that the most important thing is safety - hers and others. We will just have to see.
I did get a call today from the clinic I called from the referral list. We have an assessment schedule for next week at which point they will tell me treatment options for Penelope. They refer patients to different agencies for help. She said there are all kinds of treatment programs. In home therapy, intensive in home therapy, partial hospitalization and others. I don't know what they entail but I guess I will learn soon enough. That makes me hopeful. Spending the day with my twin brother and his family also helps a great deal.
Today is attachment therapy day so I will see how we are going to proceed with that therapy and see what Beth has to say after having a week to think about our last appointment.

Trying to move forward

No one has heard from the Detective. Not that I've called him but my twin brother has. Maybe he called because of my last conversation with him - recommended he ask whether incarceration was an option, since he is really considering that an option. I know he is looking for answers.
Tuesday we had our home visit from Children Services. She said she hadn't heard from the Detective either. She knew very little about the case, but she did know there was another case pending - as she put it. That one has to do with the boy who Penelope has told me sexually abused her. But I told the Social Worker what the person who conducted the forensic interview said - about there not being enough to pursue a case, in her opinion. But that I know the tape was given to the Detective and I haven't heard anything about it. But she really wasn't interested in that case. Her purpose was twofold - to ensure that Penelope is not in a risky environment, and that services are being provided. She took down information about Penelope's family and her family history, but because she isn't allowed to see her cousins and there are no other children in our home, the first goal is satisfied. Because she is in therapy, although attachment therapy, the second goal is also met. I explained that the Detective said that if Children Services doesn't provide services, that he was going to have her charged so the courts will require Children Services to provide services. She wasn't pleased with that and originally said that he couldn't do that, but then said that it could be done but treatment and criminal charges are two separate issues. She talked about it being counterproductive for Penelope to be charged. That what she needs is therapy. But she understands where he is coming from. Penelope at on the cusp of the age where she would have to be charged with a crime. If that was to happen, she would be labeled a predator. He wants to prevent her from becoming a predator. So do we, Ms. SW, so do we. I told her that my twin brother - the father of the victims, wants her either locked up or institutionalized. At a minimum, he is considering it. She said that was unfortunate because that wouldn't do Penelope any good. That studies have shown that appropriate therapy is what is needed in these situations. I told her that, yes, Penelope is in therapy but it's attachment therapy. I asked her if she was familiar with attachment therapy and she said she was. I told her that we really haven't dealt with Penelope's sexual abuse directly - well, until the last two visits. But that they really specialize in AT, not sexual abuse. She suggested I talk to them about a referral in their organization. I explained again how they are up north, in a different county and they are only familiar with places in that area. She pulled out a list of counseling facilities that provide services in sexual abuse. She circled two that I should call if I want to. I do. I want to.
At this point, she explained that this case will remain open for 30 days, and of those 30 days 2 weeks have already passed so it will remain open for another two weeks - unless something unforeseeable occurs. I asked about long term issues - if they have any resources for respite care. She said they do but they are only for foster parents. Nice. But she said that Children's Hospital has an emergency respite care program that she will get info on for me. But what qualifies as an emergency in that situation? I'm going to kill her if you don't take her off my hands for a few hours? Sigh.... I asked about what I was suppose to do with her in the summer? I used to send her to camp but she can't be in a normal environment with normal supervision. I have already pulled her out of the after school tutoring program because it wasn't going to be enough supervision. She said that Children's Hospital has a program that is like school and is during the day and is therapeutic. But she didn't know if Penelope would qualify because it's for kids that have mental health issues as well as a juvenile delinquency record. Yeah, like Penelope needs that type of positive influence. So no real help there.
The social worker than went in Penelope's room where she was playing her DS and talked to her for a few minutes. She had told me beforehand it was to gauge any developmental lags she may have - I guess to see if I'm taking care of her. I had told her before that, that Penelope has regressed and has been acting around 6 years old with the attention span of a 2 year old. But, I guess she came across healthy enough that wasn't an issue.
I called my parents and then my twin brother about the home visit. My brother wasn't happy about the fact that Penelope is only being referred for therapy. He said he doesn't think that is going to cut it for him and his wife. He asked why Penelope couldn't go back in the hospital, like when she wanted to commit suicide. He said that she would then get therapy on a daily basis rather than just once a week. I told him that they don't provide therapy in that situation. Their purpose was to keep her safe from herself and help her get to a point where she could go home, via talking about coping skills as well as adjusting her medication. There are residential programs but I don't think they'd take her. No one has recommended that. He didn't like to hear that. He said that what I am saying is a lot of my opinion. He values my opinion in this but he just doesn't think this is going to fly the way it is. What I am hearing from him is he needs to talk to someone who deals with these things and what the best approach is. When Penelope's social worker calls, I'm going to see if she will call my brother and answer his questions. I don't know if she will be able to do that, but I can't think of who else to refer him to. I'm pretty sure Penelope's therapist holds very little credibility in his eyes.
Despite this, we are trying to keep our relationship. I am going over his house this evening to help him with his resume. I worry all the time if he hates me or blames me. I will not allow Penelope to ruin my relationship with my twin brother and his family. I worry about his wife blaming me. She looks at Penelope with even less tolerance than my brother does. And I want to see my neice and nephew and give them big hugs. I hope it goes well.
I have already called the 1st choice facility that the Social Worker recommended. I have talked to a couple people there already. They do not take private insurance, only Medicaid. I've applied for that but haven't received anything yet. They do have a sliding scale self pay system. But they need to call me back to schedule the assessment.
George called me to find out how the visit went and I told him and told him about setting up the appointment with the facility we were referred to. He didn't like the fact they don't take private insurance. He feels that is a sign that it's a type of place that..... he couldn't figure out the right words. I said "poor people go?" He said "No, no.. just..." and said "where it's not just kids that have been abused but also their parents who have issues. Those places don't have the best doctors or therapists because they don't pay very well." What he really wanted to say was that the people that go to those places are all... you know... black. I know how that ass thinks. I should have told him that Penelope's social worker is black.. and that I told her that he used to be a member of the KKK. I didn't tell her that - it wasn't relevant. And honestly I'm ashamed I'm related to someone that was. I haven't yet written in this post how I hate George. I hate George. Anyway, he said it would probably be better to get a second opinion from .... I cut him off. I said to him, "We are not back on to this second opinion crap. We are not getting a second opinion. I want her to get therapy that addresses her sexual abuse issues and I can't think of a better place than a place that specializes in treatment for abuse. I will see if it's the right place for her and if it's not I will go from there." ASS! I hate him. I already said that.
Therapy has been difficult to say the least. I talked about her last therapy session in my last post. This past session was difficult to be a part of. [WARNING: THE NEXT PART OF MY POST IS DETAILING HER LAST THERAPY SESSION AND IT DEALT WITH SEX ISSUES THAT YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT] I debated whether I wanted to detail it or not but that the purpose of my blog is to document and share our experiences and be able to say as much as I can without disclosing identity. The last session we talked about that the two main issues we are dealing with is her lack of conscience and remorse, as well as Penelope's sex obsession. Her therapist Beth wanted to gauge how much Penelope thinks about sex. Also, we have to figure out how she can release this sexual energy in a more appropriate way. I like to think I'm an open-minded person when it comes to the topic of sex - and about how it relates to Penelope and her abuse and talking to her about it. But my open-mindedness may be more limited than I thought. Or at least, the direction we may be going may be just more than I expected.
Before Beth talked to Penelope, she talked about possible ways for Penelope to release her sexual energy in more appropriate ways. Masturbation was the topic. They said they have a client, whose mother bought her daughter a vibrator two years ago, when she was 10 years old! I took from her tone that she wasn't necessarily against the idea but it wasn't based on their recommendation. Besides being taken aback by this thought, I stated I didn't think this was a good idea for Penelope because she doesn't have discretion or boundaries and would probably end up taking it to school but also I felt like she'd end up walking around constantly excited from over stimulation. They agreed but were at a loss for ideas. At that point Beth decided it would be best to determine how obsessed Penelope is with the topic and we could go from there. I went into the viewing room and watched Beth ask Penelope questions and determine that she is very obsessed with this topic. She needs to address these feelings and also have an outlet - because if we don't give her one, she will find it on her own. Penelope's ATs pretty much made it clear this is out of their expertise. They have worked with kids who have been sexually abused but this is beyond them. They said that if our case was in their county, Children Services would refer us to a particular facility for treatment and they are sure there will be something similar in our county. Not the case it seems.
Penelope has been for the moderately well-behaved. Her attention span is almost completely gone. Her grades have gone down the toilet. She is still rather happy and is always either whistling or singing. She lies constantly - but I sometimes wonder if she really knows she is. She seems to be in fantasy world. She isn't sleeping well at all. Her meds help her fall asleep but she is restless all night long. Then she wakes up extremely moody and defiant. She has been late to school three times this month already. Hopefully she gets a detention for her tardiness. I've asked for one for her at any rate.
I know that I am not helping her get better. I am not doing the parenting techniques that I know I am suppose to. I do want her to get better, and I know how my parenting of her affects that but my tolerance for her is so short, I snap at her and yell whenever she pisses me off. I just try to get through each day the best I can. One night a few days ago, I had yelled at her. I don't remember what it was about exactly but I think it involved her getting her nightly reading done. I went to check on her about 15 minutes later and she was just laying on her bed stairing into her nightstand lamp looking pretty depressed. I asked her what is wrong. She said she was sad but she didn't know why. I knew it was because I yelled but she didn't want to admit that. So I said it. I told her that she is going to have to put up with my yelling for time time being. I am still very mad. She said "I have to put up with you yelling all the time?"I told her I don't yell all the time but yell when I didn't before. She agreed that was the case. I told her that I do love her. I told her, right or wrong, that if I didn't love her, she wouldn't be here anymore. Which is true. She seemed to get the point.
I know in my heart that I need to start parenting her the way I use to, but I have some healing to do right now too. I can only do so much. I am barely hanging on as it is. I was barely hanging on before this so I honestly have no idea how I'm still here. I try to look into the future but I just don't see one right now. I don't know what is in store for us. I don't know how we are going to get through this. I don't know if I'm capable of doing all this.

A Day at a Time

Penelope went back to school on Wednesday and couldn't wait to go. I'm not surprised since she can get herself lost in normalcy there, like this never happened - she can pretend that there. She tries to pretend that at home, but it just pisses us off that much more. She wants to be able to say "I'm sorry!" and we all go "Okay" and move on. Not possible.
When I was dropping her off in the front of the school, I almost forgot to tell her that she isn't able to go to the after school tutoring program. This is run by the same people that ran the winter break program and I believe a lot of the same kids went to the winter break program. Not enough supervision. When she was getting out of the car, I told her that I was picking her up right after school, that she can't go to the church (where they go for tutoring) anymore. Before I could explain why and reiterate the whole trust issue thing, she slammed the door shut and stomped off towards school. Great. I hoped she could get her emotions in check before class - didn't intend to send her off all pissed off.
I spoke to Mrs. Brown and school went fine. She had lunch with Penelope in her classroom - which is a relatively common thing. There was another student there as well. She said that a student asked Penelope how her break went and Penelope said "It went good" and handled it appropriately. The only thing that she wanted to point out to me that was something we had discussed during the meeting to look out for is her need to escape to fantasy world. They had a writing assignment in class where the teacher gave them a scenario that they would be in and they had to say what would happen and Penelope's was very much fantasy. Not surprising.
She spent most of the evening in her room cleaning it - after she did her homework. My parents came over and we had dinner together. My mom stayed the night with us to help me out. I've been having a hard time just being around Penelope and being nice. Penelope told her I am always crying. Well, no shit.
Thursday we had a snow day. Penelope spent most of the day in her room cleaning it. You are probably thinking "How bad is this room?" Well, it's not that bad. It's no worse than any other kids room when it's dirty. Penelope has always hated cleaning her room - and this is actually a first where she has spent this much time cleaning. Usually she just fights it with all her might, even if she does do some work, she gives up after 5 or 10 minutes. The thing is, her brain is on fantasy mode and her anxiety is elevated and she is having a hard time focusing to get a lot done in a short period of time. That's fine with me. She can take as long as she likes. It keeps her busy and out of my hair.
I talked to my brother to find out what happened with the visit from Children Services and the police. He just gave a statement about what he knew at the police station. The appointment with Children Services went fine. They didn't speak to the kids, just him and his wife. Her purpose was to make sure the kids are safe and that Penelope isn't allowed to be around them. That isn't going to be a problem - ever. They set up a forensic interview for the kids for the next day. He also told me that they had told him what Penelope had told the police - something he wasn't aware of. I knew about it. Actually, it was the only thing I knew about in the very beginning, and I had told him, but he must have been in such shock he didn't comprehend or hear me. I felt so bad because we have had several conversations since then and I thought he knew. He sounded totally devistated. I just kept saying I was sorry. I am so sorry...
Thursday was also our regular scheduled attachment therapy appointment. Because of the weather, and I'm sure to be there for me, my dad wanted to drive us up. It was an all afternoon ordeal to get there, because it's an hour away on a good day so it took over two hours to get there and home on Thursday. We took the SUV and Penelope rode in the 3rd row and played her DS. We ended up being about 20 minutes early and Penelope went straight back and did her bioneurofeedback session. My dad and I went and spoke with Beth about everything. When Penelope was ready to come in, they therapists decided that they were going to do some holding therapy with her and we should watch from the viewing room over the TV. They haven't done holding therapy since her two week intensive over a year ago. I couldn't watch the screen. I just sat in the chair and stared at the wall.... and listened. Penelope was hard to hear and was using babytalk. They talked to her about what happened with her cousins. She disclosed something new that was just it for me, I can't believe her! They also asked about her abuse. I wasn't sure if I heard her right but she changed her story as to what happened to her and the boy. I asked my dad if I heard her correctly. She claimed a much less offense than what she told me a year ago. I recognize that these are the first people she has disclosed it to outside of me and with everything she is scared, but I'm not sure what to believe. We went back into the room with Penelope there and they talked to her about her feelings and curiosities and how she should have discussed them with me. They asked her why she didn't discuss them with me. She didn't know. I said it's because she knew I'd prevent her from doing it and she knew it was wrong and didn't want me to stop her. The therapists kinda looked at me like "Don't go there." I didn't care, I was so pissed. I told them that if it was an option, I'd pack her up and send her to her fathers. I can't look at her. All the therapudic parenting crap I'm suppose to do - I don't care. It's out the window. I snap at her, I yell at her. I don't care. My dad asked what it would do to Penelope if she did spend a few days with her father. I said that it would make her worse.. since he is perfectly fine with his disfunctional relationship with her. I still don't know he didn't do anything physical with her! He definitly messed her up emotionally when it comes to relationships and sex. They just said that she would probably view it was a reward for her actions. They said that it's understandable to feel this way and it may be good for Penelope to see how angry I am. But to recognize my limits of parenting her right now. They said that I should tell Children Services about how I feel, that I need respite care services. That they should be able to provide that. And if necessary, put her in foster care with therapudic parenting for a few weeks, but then they may not with the way funding is right now - that because George would be considered good enough, they may say she should go to him. I didn't think that was a good idea. I get a break, and she regresses and I have to deal with all that all over again. They said there really isn't any options. My dad said that he and my mom would try to take her as much as they can, at least weekends or something. I told them how she told me that the reason she did it was because she wants to make everyone so mad at her that we would kill her. They said they didn't buy that. She is trying to gain sympathy. They asked if we thought she was going to self-harm. I said that I have thought of that, but not really. She is so happy go lucky like nothing is wrong. She knows she is in trouble and what she did is wrong. But she doesn't understand why she has to experience some of the consequences. And she is blaming me for having to go through all this. They said she is definitely in denial and extremely narcissitic, trying redirect and blame others. But her narcissism is keeping her from focusing on herself and preventing her from wanting to hurt herself.
On the way home, I just broke down thinking about how sick she is, how she has horribly hurt everyone in our family. How much I love my niece and nephew and what she did to them.
My mom called me to find out how things went but I couldn't discuss it. I just told her that I would when we got home. I just don't want to talk. But she wouldn't get off the phone. I snapped at her and said "What!? What do you want!? Just spit it out!" She told me that she had talked to my brother and he is thinking of having Penelope charged. He wants her institutionalized. I told her I'm not surprised and I wouldn't blame him for feeling that way and I got off the phone.
I told my dad and he said that wouldn't help anything and feels that he is basing that off revenge and anger. But can you blame him?
When we got home, my mom said she was going to stay the night again, and that I was going to go stay at her house with my dad and she was going to stay the weekend with Penelope at our house. What a great idea.
Friday, Penelope's school had a 1 hour delay and I had to pick her up by 1pm for our appointment for a forensic interview. I spoke with Brandon, he had called me to let me know how his kids went. He was somewhat formal, angry really. He told me that it went fine, that they talked to the kids and videotaped it. He wasn't allowed to watch or be in the room and they wouldn't tell him anything but the Detective disagrees with that and offered to let him come up to the station and view the video. The detective described to him what happened. The youngest, being 3, didn't really participate but acted like a normal 3 year old. My nephew acted fine as well but he remembered everything and was very detailed. He told me something that he had described and it was mortifying. He said that they told him that they were acting fine during the interview but, more likely with the boy, that this could manifest itself years down the road. He told me about wanting to possibly having her charged. I told him I knew and I understood. I also told him what Penelope had disclosed at therapy. I had also called the Detective to make sure he knew and that we are cooperating completely. The detective said he already knew because my nephew told them during the interview. My brother said he knew as well. No one told me but why would they, I'm not the victim - I'm the guardian of the perpetrator. But I'm relieved they already knew though.
I took her to her forensic interview. When we got there, we learned that this was just about Penelope's abuse and nothing about what she did to her cousins. I also was introduced to the Children Services Investigator who will be investigating me. The interview wanted to talk to me first and she explained what was going to happen and we talked about what Penelope had told me and I did tell them about other people in her life that to me were high risk, including her father. I described the relationship she had with her dad but that I doubt Penelope would say anything negative about him. She doesn't view it as wrong.
After the interview, she told me that Penelope described what her friend did to her but since she is the same age as Penelope that legally they wouldn't do anything. She told me what Penelope said about the boy, which was basically what she told her therapists the day prior - which was a lot less than what she told me a year ago. She also embellished it with thing like she had a piece of metal and fended him off by threatening him and yelling at him. She said it's not uncommon for these kids to fantasize (sound familiar?) about having more power than she did in the situation. She said that in her opinion there isn't enough said and enough identifying information to pursue anything legally against the boy. But that the detective would get the video and take whatever appropriate action.
When we got into the car, I asked Penelope about what happened. I had talked to her briefly before she went in to her interview and told her that this was about her, not about what she did and that they are here to help her so she is safe and should be completely honest with them. I told her what she told them was different than what she told me about what happened to her. She said "I lied to you." Um.. okay.
When we got home, my dad showed up and my parents spent time with us. I was walking through the house, putting away some laundry, and I saw Penelope sitting in a chair in the living room with a big frown on her face. I asked her what was wrong. She said "Papaw told me my daddy hates me." I said "Oh, okay..." and kept walking through. I know that's not true and needed a second to process it. I put away what I had and went back to her. I told her "I don't think your dad hates you, but is very disappointed and upset, and possibly so angry with you that it may seem like he hates you, just like the rest of us. But like papaw and grandma and I, he loves you. I made a point to have my dad address it with her since this could simply been a means to triangulate us. He confronted her and she said "But that's what you meant." He corrected her. Shortly after that, I packed up a weekend bag and left with him for the weekend.
Saturday morning, I got a phone call from my mom who said that Penelope had woken up screaming in the middle of the night. She had a nightmare that her dad had killed himself. That he stabbed himself in the heart. She was fine after a few minutes but she obviously is still thinking about how her dad is feeling. Still, it's interesting that his opinion of her is by far more upsetting for her than my opinion, her grandparents, or especially her Uncle, Aunt and cousins. I told my mom I would call George and see if he was capable of talking to Penelope and reassuring her that he does still love her etc. He called me later that morning to ask about how her appointment the day prior. I answered his questions but then proceeded to tell him what I needed him to do and why. He said he didn't feel that talking to her on the phone would be good enough. He said that messages can be lost over the phone and that face to face would be better. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him seeing her so soon after Christmas as well as after what she did. He didn't understand why this would be a problem. I reminded him that he has an unhealthy relationship with her and that I feel like part of the reason she did what she did is because she saw him on Christmas! I said "Plus I'm being investigated. I'm not sure how that would be viewed." He said "Why would they have a problem with it??" I said, "Because of everything! Because of how she gets after seeing you." He kept going on about how he didn't understand why that would matter. I said "Fine! Whatever! It doesn't matter! I don't care anymore! Talk to Mom and Dad and ask them!" and I hung up. I found out later that he only called however my Mom had talked to him and she said he started pushing again to get someone else to see Penelope in order to determine if George is a piece of shit or not and should be permitted to see her whenever he wanted. My mom said she jumped him saying things like "Are you prepared to deal with all her problems? Do you feel like you can raise her?" He didn't understand why she was asking and she claims she backed down. I told her that if he knew that I was even remotely considering giving her back to him, he'd jump all over it. She said that he doesn't want her. I asked her if he said that and she said, no but she knows he doesn't. Okay.. Regardless, it seems he is having temporary amnesia again about what he has done for her. I asked my mom "Does he remember apologizing to her and if so what did he apologize for?" She said "He did want he knew he needed to do in order to get what he wanted." So we are back to that.
Before my conversation with George, I was on the phone with my other brother. He wanted to know how Penelope's appointment went the day before also. I told him and he listened. I don't think he was happy which is understandable. If she doesn't admit to her abuse, Children Services is going to have less cause to have her in some kind of treatment - I guess. I did ask him if it was true that he wants her locked up or institutionalized. He said it was something that he was considering. He more specifically wants her locked up. For him it's about her lack of remorse. I told him I understand where he is coming from, but how does he know having her locked up is an option? He said that when he first met with the police officer, that he was asked if he wanted Penelope locked up, or just charged, or just reported. Originally he just said that he just wanted it reported so she could get the help she needs, but after more has come out, and the way his son talked about it, he doesn't know if that will be enough. He wants to protect other kids from her. I again understand, but said that if I had known it was possible, I would never had allowed her around his kids. And now that we know, she won't be allowed around any kids outside of school. I'm not trying to prevent her from getting what is due to her, I just honestly don't know if it is truly an option. That the detective basically asked the same thing but that I took it as that he just wanted to know what he wanted. He told me, as well as Penelope, that she was not going to serve any jail time. That the worst thing that could happen is that she would get charged, have to be arrested, but just fill out some paperwork and then show up for court. I told him that I don't know if that is still true. Maybe with more information divulged, things have changed. But I think he should at least ask the Detective in order to determine if it's really an option so he doesn't waste time putting to much thought into it as an option. He didn't like hearing that and wanted off the phone - saying he had to go but would call me back. He didn't call me back.
It's Sunday night and I am at home and Penelope is in bed, tomorrow is a school day. I expect to get a phone call from Children Services to schedule the home visit. I don't know what else the Detective is going to need in order for the Prosecutor to determine if charges will be filed. But even if they don't, my brother might. If she is, she is. I just feel so bad for my brother and his family. I still can't be nice to Penelope. I just feel like if I'm nice to her, I'm violating my loyalty to my brother. He's my twin brother and I love him very much. I love his kids - they are beautiful and loving people. I feel horrible for their mother, my sister-in-law. I care for her very much and she is such a great mom and I just can't imagine how she is dealing with this. I was with her when I found out something happened, but I didn't tell her. I didn't know how. We were with all her co-workers and my brother and I agreed it would be best to wait until she was away from them. When I left the house we were at, I didn't know yet what happened, but just knew something bad had happened. I was so upset I almost threw up in her co-worker's front yard. I just want to tell her how sorry I am and how much I care for her. I just feel, regardless what my brother says, that she will never want to see me again and my brother will feel it's too hard to not just go along with that and not see me either. I did everything I knew to do, I obsessed over finding the right help for Penelope. I told her therapists and doctors everything I knew or suspected. I asked questions of everyone I could about Penelope's history. I sacrificed so much to help her, to be there for her, and regardless of how hard it was for me personally to become "Mom" I did it for her because she needed it.
I'm having a really hard time looking at her as someone who is sick and this is a result of her sickness, but rather as a monster. But I also blame her father. I hate him so much. I loathe him.

Police Investigation... and then some.

Monday-
My dad told me that when we reported it, it needed to be in the jurisdiction of where the crime occurred. I'm sure he was thrilled that the knowledge he obtained through his 30 years of police work came to use this weekend. He recommended that I call in advance and give them a heads up. So I called this morning and gave a bunch of information to a police officer. He said that I would need to bring her in but they have someone who handles these types of crimes and he would call to let us know when to come in. I called my dad to let him know where it stood. He offered to come with us. I couldn't speak so he took that as me taking him up on his offer.
I knew this was going to be a very trying day, and the plan was not to tell Penelope anything until it was about to happen. But also give her time to process it. She didn't know she wasn't going to school today. She woke up before I had a chance to go in her room and wake up. She thought she was late for school. I informed her "You are not going to school today." She got mad "I'm not going to get to go to school?! But I want to go to school!" I said "You will get to go to school. Just not today." She then said "So now I don't get to go to school. I thought I was suppose to get an education. I guess I'm going to not get the education I'm suppose to get." I didn't respond to her obvious attempt at trying to make me feel bad - for what.. overreacting? She doesn't get it. I had her take a shower, which she sang in, and get dressed. I told her we had places to go. I needed to do some other things today so to say that, isn't off mark, but I really didn't have a clue as to when or for how long or what was going to happen when we went to the police station.
I received a call from the police to come in so I had her get in the car. She didn't ask where we were going until we were halfway there. I told her "We are meeting Papaw and going to the Police Station." She got pretty upset needless to say. She started wailing and saying "I don't want to go to the Police Station! You can't make me! I won't do it! I won't get out of the car. You hate me! Why are you making me do this?! You don't love me. You are going to be in so much trouble for doing this to me! I'm never going to see you again! I'm never going to see my cats again!" I honestly didn't know if she was going to go to jail or not, but I told her that I didn't think she was going to go to jail. That her papaw and I were going to be there for her and that whatever happens, she will be okay. I told her that I brought her blankie and her bunny to help her feel better and she could get it in the back seat. It did help her calm down. Honestly, she ranted for maybe 3 minutes, then her angry cries seemed forced and she just eventually stopped and accepted what was happening. Thank goodness because during those 3 minutes I was seriously afraid she was going to jump out the car going down the expressway at 65 mph.
We picked up Papaw about a mile from the Police Station and went in. After about 20 minutes we met with the Police Detective who was assigned the case. He handles the sex crimes for this smaller city that my brother lives in. He put me in one room and Penelope and my dad in another room. He met with me first, and he asked "Do you know what your brother wants? Does he want her to serve jail time, have her charged, or what?" That took me back. I said "I don't know exactly that. He told me that he wants it documented or reported in case their son starts acting out." He asked if Penelope was scared. I said "Yes, she thinks she is going to jail." He said, "That's not going to happen, I will let her know that so she doesn't worry about that." He asked me to write down what I know and gave me some forms and a pen. I wrote down what happened, and so did Penelope. Once we both were done, he took me back to a different room, away from Penelope's, I believe so that there was no chance of her hearing what we discussed. The detectives asked about Penelope's sexual abuse and about the boy that abused her. I really don't know much about the boy and I did ask George at the time to get more information about the boy when Penelope made the allegation, but he only knew the general area of where his family lived and didn't make any effort to find out any more than that. I asked him again to try, now with what has happened and that the police want to pursue a case against him and he feels that the police should be able to figure it out themselves. Isn't that nice.
The Detective also asked me about my guardianship and why I have guardianship. I told him that our family knew that both her parents were crap but not to the extent we know now. But we had concerns about Penelope's well-being after some signs of her lack of development, the transient lifestyle, and after Harriet had called Children Services on him for the condition of his home, and learning how truely awful it was - and that in it's total awfulness, it exceeded the standards established by Children Services. But specifically seeing Penelope's room in the condition it was in, where the foot of the bed was on the floor - linens infested with fleas from all the farm cats that went in and out of the house. It was obvious from the condition of her room that she hadn't slept in there in a long time. She was sleeping with her father. I asked for guardianship from Penelope's parents to try to provide her a more stable home environment and a better education. I told the detective how after Harriet left, that what has been perceived in therapy as her and her father's emotionally incestuous relationship. He wanted me to write that into the statement as well. I told him that Penelope has endured a lot of abuse and has been in treatment for quite some time and has been diagnosed with a slew of disorders. I really thought she was healthier than this. No one in our family thought she would do something like this.
He said that he had already called the prosecutor's office and it will go one of two ways. Penelope will have criminal charges against her and be arrested, but won't serve any jail time. But would have to go to court. Or, which is what he is going to recommend, be referred to Children Services for treatment, along with the victim.
During this process, he was called out of the room because of another case that came in the door. He left what Penelope had written down on the table. I looked at it, and there were things on it - detail, that she didn't share with me, but was so disturbing in that it really shows how manipulative and controlling the whole act was.
After we were done there, we went home and I told her to clean her room - something I could get her to do over the last two months. She said "Why do I have to clean my room." I said "Because it's dirty - do you need more reason than that?" She was really asking if it was punishment, but by my tone she knew to do it regardless.
She went to her tutor after that, then when we got home, bedtime was about 1 1/2 hours early.
Am I using my love & logic parenting methods? No. Should I? Probably. Am I worried about it, not really. I'm tired. I'm so tired to my core. I have made so many sacrifices - and for what? Do I think I've helped her, sure. But is it really enough? Am I capable of doing this? This is the first real time I've concidered packing up her shit and sending her back to her father's. But I know that it would ruin her. They won't let her go to him. My mom said she'd take her but there is no way she can do it. She will end up in the system. But she is heading in that direction anyway. I think of my niece and nephew - 3 and 5. They are made of pure love and happiness. I love them with all my heart and they have lost their innocence. It rips my heart out. And my twin brother - I am just so sorry. He is and has been my best friend our entire lives and he is so devistated. Then today, he is layed off from his job. So he now has that too worry about too.
During all this, I recieved a call from both Penelope's therapist, and Mrs. Brown from school. I checked the message from the therapist, because we were trying to get in sooner than later into to see them, but unfortunetly, they have no available time before our scheduled appointment on Thursday but to call if I need to talk. I called but got voicemail and just told her we reported the incident like she told me to. I called Mrs. Brown back. She was concerned what was going on - when I called Penelope in sick this morning, the attendance officer could tell I was upset, since I pretty much am crying constantly these days. She told the guidance counselor that there was something up who had called Mrs. Brown several times today to find out if she had talked to me. I told her in confidence what happened in general. She was supportive but felt compelled to tell the Principal - concerned about the safety of other students and he would know what to do, if anything. I can understand that, but I talked about confidentiality. She understood. She called the Principal and called me back. He doesn't know what to do and wanted to talk to the Director of Special Services, as she would know what to do. But they wanted me to keep Penelope home until they figured that out. Just a day. Understandable - but a little alarming. But then she tells me that the Principal told her that she has an obligation to report what I told her to Children Services. I didn't want this - it's already being handled by the police. I told her that - suggested she call the police detective to verify that he is doing it. She said she would ask if that would be okay. I didn't hear back quickly so I emailed her asking her to let me know what is decided.
Tuesday -
I didn't sleep well so I slept in later than planned. Woke up to a phone call from Mrs. Brown around 8:30. She said that they were going to have a meeting at 12:45 to discuss what additional supervision or changes need to be made for Penelope to be able to come back. At the meeting was going to be 4 of her teachers, the guidance counselor and the Principal. She assured me that it would stay within this (growing) "team." She then tells me that she had called the detective and he told her that he hadn't had a chance to call and asked her to do it for him. So she called the child abuse hotline and reported what I told her. She read to me what she told them, which on a couple of accounts was inaccurate. She doesn't read that she alerted them that I had already reported it to the police but when I asked, she said she did report it. She said that she needed more information, like my brother's address and the names of my niece and nephew. I don't feel comfortable with this. I know she cares a lot for Penelope but this is such a private matter and she is her teacher and a part of the school. It is none of her business their address or those kids names. I tell her that I can call and tell them. She said that he wanted her to get it and call him back. This is really upsetting. She tells me that the police detective told her that if Child Services doesn't require therapy for Penelope, they would have to force them by arresting Penelope but "we promise not to use handcuffs." What the hell?! I was done discussing this. I hung up. I sobbed. This isn't an exciting perdiciment to be a party to. I was so pissed. Why would the detective tell her this? Why is Child Services asking the school to get confidential information? Why is her teacher so compelled to cross a line of such sensitive information? Am I being too touchy about this? I don't think so.
I called the intake person at Children Services. I give him the information he needs and I told him that I didn't want to share this information with the school and I wanted to call him. He didn't seem to care about confidentiality and just said "Oh, okay." He took the additional information and told me that the way this worked is that the information would be passed on to an investigator who would decide whether they would open a case - which he felt like they would. Once that happens, he would call me with the assigned investigator's contact information. The investigator would contact me and that I will be investigated to determine if I am a fit parent for Penelope and am providing her what she needs. Great...
You may have read in past posts were I am just so tired of defending what I am doing for Penelope. People do not understand Reactive Attachment Disorder. I would hope that Children Services would - being that this disorder is a direct result of the abuse of a child 0 -3 years old. But you would think there would be more people in the foster system who were aware of it too. But I have to remember how low their standards are. But I forsee a bunch of services we will have to endure.. and you know, maybe they are what Penelope needs. But then it makes me wonder what Penelope's ATs are suppose to be doing? They know everything I know about Penelope's history. Was this something to be wary of? What should we be doing to work on Penelope's trauma? I just don't know what to think anymore. I am so beside myself.
I called the Detective, concerned about what Mrs. Brown told me about arresting Penelope. It sounded like maybe he heard back from the prosecutor and they want to press charges if Children Services doesn't act on the issue. He said he hadn't heard from the prosecutor. I told him what Mrs. Brown said, and he said that it was taken out of context, and told her what he had told me about the two options the prosecutor has. I told him I was concerned about sharing of information and told him that she said he told her to call Children Services for him but they wanted her to get information about my brother and his kids. He said he never said any such thing, but that she is obligated to call, and so is he so they were both going to call and he was very defensive about any implication that he was passing on to someone else part of his job as well as any possible interference in his investigation by obtaining sensitive information. I just warned him that I am gathering the school isn't familiar with this situation and doesn't have a protocol on how to handle it. I told him about the meeting and my concerns of confidentiality and how they didn't allow her to go to school today because they don't know what to do with her. He didn't understand this, regardless how small the school is, or how affluent the community is. I told him I understood that they want to be cautious but if they don't allow her back to school tomorrow I don't know what I am going to do but I'm going to have a problem with them. He said to let him know how the meeting goes and he would help in any way if it becomes that but hopefully it doesn't.
I went to the meeting and was running late because of my phone call with the Detective. I got there and Mrs. Brown gave me a hug right off the bat. I know she cares and everything is coming from the heart. I just feel like there was a line crossed. Maybe I need to not share as much as I do with her. Maybe she is too involved. I know she just wants to help - I just want the pain to stop. I want to stop thinking. I want to live in that couple of minutes after I first wake up when I forgot what has happened.
We went and sat down in her classroom. They were going over Penelope's IEP and talked about the goal set for her behavior - and basically how she has been successful at meeting it. Besides a couple issues that were handled appropriately, she acts... I said "like a normal well behaved kid?" And they all agreed. Was this a wake up call for them? I mean, I am glad that they don't have to deal with her illness too much as school, but I've been saying this for the last two years. Don't let your guard down. She will win your trust over 10 fold, but it doesn't mean she is trustworthy. I remember in the beginning of the year, I had a conversation with Mrs. Brown about how Penelope "fakes it" at school, and I want to make sure she understands not to allow her to have freedoms or control over other students. She felt that Penelope wasn't faking it but "coping better." I guess it's how you look at it. I do agree she is coping better, but she is still sick. I just really didn't know how sick she still was. I really felt like she was past this point in her healing. She was winning the battle with her compulsion to control others. I know this incident was a wake up call for a few people in our family as to how sick she really is. Not that I would ever tell my twin brother this because of what he is going through, but over the last several months he has really been coming down on me about how restrictive I am with Penelope and tells me I "hover" calling me a helicopter mom and things like that. That I need to let her do more things and spend more time with her dad. That she will be okay. My dad has felt similiar but knows better than to question me. This has been a real wake up call for George to the extent of Penelope's illness - though I'm pretty sure he feels no fault for it. He told me today "You did all the right things."
The teachers wanted to know if they should be doing anything different, that it seems she is really just holding her emotions in, avoiding them instead of processing them. I told them the way I see it is that there are two parts: the part that is her history and trauma and then the way she allows it to affect her behavior an decisions. If she is functioning, doing her work, participating and following the rules, then that is all you should expect at school. Dealing with her past and trauma is something else. Teaching her to avoid situations to protect herself is the right thing to do, but she needs to learn the line between that and just shutting it all in - and that's something we will have to work on as part of her therapy. But I am too concerned about her actual level of sanity, even though she appears "normal." Wait to they get her back tomorrow. She doesn't appear normal anymore. To me, she's kind of manic right now.
It was decided to make a list of things to keep an eye out for. I really don't remember what those things are because I really don't know what they should be looking for that is different than what they should be looking for anyway - I think it includes when she feels bullied, when she seems removed and quiet, to listen to conversations about boys or anyone in particular she may be focusing on. She tends to talk about what she has on her mind and can tip you to something she has planned. I really don't think anything is going to happen where she is going to try to force herself on someone. I told them that my concern with her is her putting herself in a position to have sexual contact with an interested boy. That is my real concern - has been and still is.
I think things will be okay at school - once Penelope gets back into her routine. Which unfortunetly won't be soon. We have therapy on Thursday and it's suppose to snow so we will be pulling her out early for that. Then Friday, the Detective set up Penelope's first meeting with the child sexual abuse specialists for early afternoon so she will miss school that day too. And that's just this week. I'm sure there will be other things.
I did talk to my twin brother today but only for a minute. He was running around his house trying to straighten up. He had gotten a call from both the Detective and Children Services. He had to go to the Police Station to meet with the Detective and then right after that Children Services was going to be at his house to interview his children. He told me he was going to call me afterward and let me know how it went. Two hours after the beginning of the appointment, I called him since I hadn't heard anything and he didn't answer. He usually calls back when he can but he didn't. I really hope things went okay.

Devastating...

I am sick to my stomach. My niece Penelope, who is 12 years old, believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, fairies, and sleeps with two stuffed animals and a blankie, molested her 5 year old nephew this weekend. She did this with her 3 year old niece watching. My sister-in-law invited me to go to a scrapbooking party and my brother was staying home with his kids and would watch Penelope too. Needless to say he is struggling with feelings of guilt. What happened came out when he was getting his kids ready for bed and discovered his son's underwear was inside out. My nephew made a few alarming statements to explain why and then Penelope was questioned. She wouldn't tell her uncle but knew she was caught and was so upset she threw up. However she was more upset about how sick she felt and that now she won't get to see her cousins again than about what she did. I tried to explain to her how it was against the law but she didn't seem to understand why, even though she knows enough to know it is wrong. This morning she woke up and acted like nothing was wrong. I had her stay in her room and she seemed to understand but then she wanted to know why she "still" needed to stay in her room.that she "hasn't done anything wrong" which I immediatedly explained how that wasn't true. But I needed her to stay there because I needed to make calls to figure out what to do.I did get in touch with her lead therapist who is going to call me tomorrow to check their schedule to get her in asap. She also said that the incident needs to be reported. I assume she means the police. I know my brother and his wife want to report it to the police but my brother agreed to let me do it once I talk to Beth again so I can get clarity on what to do and what is going to happen.
I couldn't stay here by myself with her so I took her to my parents. She spent the majority of her time in the guest room playing her DS. We let her because it was hard to look at her or interact with her. My dad, her papaw, couldn't even talk to her and wouldn't sit with us at dinner.
Penelope could tell we were not happy with her but acted like everything was fine. She has no clue how her actions have affected our whole family. I don't know if I can do this.