I definitely know it could be worse. My goal was to just get through it and come out the other side with minimal damage. I should probably discuss with Penelope how she felt about how it went but I don't expect honesty. I think she has been muddling through the holidays herself by masking the problems in a layer of tinsel and powered sugar. Very much avoidance and denial. I do think she is turning the bend and starting down that road of teenager-dom that I've been rushing therapy and healing in for. That point where the effect of my efforts start to deminish and for the most part, I just try to keep up and hold on.
Not that there is still isn't a lot of baby-ish stuff going on. Baby-talk was very present during winter break, understandably. She feels safer in that state. She also wanted a Norman Rockwell Christmas. We got the tree up and the decorations out and Penelope wanted to invite the neighbors for a tree trimming party. Penelope and Grandma bought cookie tins and made a ton of sugar cookies to give to our new neighbors (who never recieved them.) She kept talking about wanting a Barbie Doll for Christmas and if she didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas, her Christmas would be ruined. (She didn't get a Barbie Doll for Christmas.) Every night before Christmas, she'd lay under the tree with her presents surrounding her. She even asked if she could sleep there one night. (No.)
We did end up going to Church during the week of Christmas. Our church doesn't have service on Christmas - too many members to accommodate. But they have a special show a couple times a day during the week of Christmas that was very educational and entertaining. We were invited by Penelope's 4th grade teacher/tutor/friend. I couldn't get Penelope to go to church before this but I'm hoping to work off of this visit to get her to start going back. I've posted about it before, but Penelope gets very anxious at Church to the point she has a hard time breathing. It's because she feels like she shouldn't be there - like she doesn't deserve to be there because of all the bad things she has done. After the show, the audience is invited to participate in their annual Krispy Kreme Community Outreach thing where you pick up a box of doughnuts in the lobby on the way out and deliver them to a place of business where people are working. Penelope saw the opportunity to pick up a box of doughnuts for herself. I could tell that was what she was doing. So could the lady who was handing her the box. She looked at me for assurance that we were going to give it away. I said "It's okay. She can take one." The lady gave Penelope a box and we headed out the door to catch up with Laurie. I figured this would be a good lesson for Penelope. A lesson in listening. And a lesson in giving. I said "You know you can't keep those doughnuts. You have to give them away. That's what they are for." She said "I can't? Well... then I'll give them to Grandma (who is back at the house and wouldn't want them and ultimately give them back to Penelope.)" I said "Ohhh no. You have to give them to people who are at their jobs right now." I told Laurie that Penelope picked up a box. She knew right away what was going on. Penelope said "But I don't want to do that. You take it." Laurie chimed in, "Nope, you took them, you have to give them away..... So where should we go?...." making her want not an option. Laurie and I started to discussing places to go while Penelope started to get nervous and whine a little in the back seat. We decided to go to the Fire/Police Station that is on the way to Laurie's house. We drove around looking for a door for Penelope to go in or knock on. We booted her out of the car to knock on a door. A man in a uniform came to the door. Penelope's body language was priceless. She wouldn't make eye contact and handed him the box of doughnuts. She said "These are from Church." There was a note from the church stuck to the top explaining what we were doing. He was very nice and thanked her gratiously. She ran to the car. We waved to him and left. I asked Penelope how she felt. She said "Freaked out!" Odd answer. I said "In a good way or a bad way?" She said "A good way." She admitted it made her feel good. But then a few minutes later she said "I want doughnuts." Of course.
Our actual Christmas was nothing like how we usually celebrate it. Though it is typical to have to work around my twin brother's schedule because his wife's family is huge and there is at least 2 if not 3 events on that side. We would always have to fight for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to see him and his family. There have been arguements and hurt feelings about that. We still had to work around that. Not Penelope and I necessarily, but my parents. My twin brother was having our side of the family's Christmas on Christmas Day. At his house. Penelope isn't invited of course. Understandably. Everyone else is. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve with my parents. Because they were going to be having the big dinner at my brother's we opted for an early dinner of sandwiches, chips and salad. Then we opened presents, well... Penelope opened presents. I had asked my parents to get Penelope a Wii for Christmas and not get me anything - since they are expensive. She needs to have things that other kids she goes to school has, as well as something she'd like that isn't a "toy." They agreed. My mom did get me a scarf for my winter coat. Penelope loved her gifts and fortuntely didn't complain about not getting a Barbie Doll. She did comment saying it was okay because she is sure Santa would bring her one. Yes, she is still claiming to believe in Santa. Yes, she is 13 1/2 years old.
Around 7pm after the presents were opened, my parents had to leave to go to a party at my Dad's best friend's house that he goes to every year. Penelope and I were invited. My mom really wanted us to go but I just didn't feel like having Penelope around all those different kids would be safe and it's not like they have told anyone what she did. To hide it from the adults, I couldn't keep Penelope from playing with the kids. Just not a good situation. It wasn't an option. So we hung out and played Wii the rest of the night. My parents did come back and stay the night with us.
The next day was Christmas and Penelope recieved earrings from Santa. She was disappointed but didn't really say anything. My parents left late morning to go to my twin brother's house. I sent the presents I bought for my niece and nephew. It was hard not getting to see them open them. I heard they loved them. It was hard not getting to see my twin brother as well. I texted him later that night but he didn't respond until the next day. Penelope and I spent the day playing games and hanging out. I made her favorite food for dinner - chili. We just enjoyed a nice day just her and I. My mom got back to the house late and I went to bed. That was a hard night.
Penelope seemed to take things in stride. I don't know if she knows who all was at her Uncle's house. It was everyone including George and my Aunt who came to Thanksgiving. Everyone except us. For me, the hard part is that George got to be there. I have a hard time with that.
