Scared....

I have no idea what to think about what happened yesterday, and everything seems okay today. So, yesterday we went and spent the afternoon at my twin brother's house with him and his two kids. We had a good time and Penelope was good. She wasn't acting happy or sad, just enjoying the "toys" at my brother's house and playing with her cousins. They are younger but ADORE Penelope. The 2 1/2 year old calls her "my Penelope." Like "Where is my Penelope?" The older cousin used to call her that when he was a little younger. He is 4 1/2. There were a couple incidences at Uncle Bs but nothing remarkable. Overall, very good, relaxing, not too fun, not too anything. Too much fun can be bad.
When we got home that evening, she was due her evening meds. Got them in her and told her to get ready for bed. She was being snippy with me. I'm sure I wasn't handling it right, just unhappy that the day wasn't mirroring the last 7 days and maybe her period of time in Happyland was over. I saw her dart into my room instead of her room from across the house. I didn't want to chase after her and make it a big deal. I said "Penelope, where are you?" She said "I'm in here." Not a good answer. "What are you doing?" She said "I'm looking for.... something." I said "What are you looking for in my room?" She huffed and said "Something important." I walked to hall and waited for her to come out. I stopped her, held her wrist, looked into her eyes, and said "Penelope, when I asked you a question, I am looking for a specific answer. Not fluff. Those answers were fluff, not telling me anything. If I didn't want to know the answer, I wouldn't have asked the questions." She stared back at me and I could see her trying to burn me with her fire gaze, like she could shoot lazers from them. She said "Fine" and went into her room. A minute later she brought me this bracelet her "bff" had made her during her overnight last week. The elastic band had broken the day prior but she still had all the beeds. But now all of a sudden it's an issue. She said "It's ruined!" I told her it was fixable and we made a plan to fix it this week ith a new elastic band. I told her "Why don't you get a ziplock bag to put the beeds in?" She sighed and said "I'm suppose to be getting into my nightgown." I said "You are right, we will just not worry about keeping the beeds then." She said "No!" I said "You are the one that came to me with your bracelet. If you want to keep the beeds, than I suggest you get a bag." She went and got one and gave it to me while passing me to her room to change. I went into my room to get my pjs on before I went to her room to read. On the floor next to my bed was one of her stuffed animals that I hadn't seen in a while. I asked her why this stuffed animal was in my room. She said "Don't you remember?? I gave it to you for your birthday." I do remember. Two birthdays ago she had decided in a very last minute kind of decision making, to take an old gift bag from the closet and gather a bunch items of hers together and give it to me as my birthday present. I hugged her and thanked her. But later I asked her to take care of them for me. If we could keep them in her play room. She was perfectly fine with this. I know how hard it is for her to part with anything that belongs to her. Still to this day, she has a hard time seeing things as ours, but hers and mine - it has gotten better. I said I remembered, but I thought she was holding on to it for me. She said "I guess I can..." I said "Only if you want of course." She said "I was hoping you would sleep with it at night." I told her that I don't sleep with stuffed animals. She said "I'm not like you in that way." I said "That's okay. We all can't be exactly like eachother. That would be kind of boring, don't you think?" She shrugged a "I guess so." I kept the stuffed animal and put it on my nightstand. I said "I hope you don't think that because I haven't been sleeping with the stuffed animal doesn't mean I didn't like the present and I don't love you." She said "Oh, no...." I said "I would hope not! It would be so not true!" But I knew that was part of it. She was trying to find a reason to think I don't love her.
But a few minutes later I went into her room and she was acting like nothing had happened and was getting into her bed, getting ready for our nightly ritual of me reading to her. She always straightens up for me to read to her. I've learned that taking away reading time doesn't improve her behavior or our relationship. Ususally it's a good time for her to regulate her feelings.
After reading that night's chapter, I gave her the kiss and hug that is our nightly ritual, and started to leave. She wanted to tell me something tonight. She said.. and this is the part that scared me...
"I love you so much. I love you too much." Too much? I told her "I love you very much too. But what is too much? Why is your love for me too much?" She said "I don't know.. it's just wierd. I think about you all the time, every day all through the day." Okay... At first I thought that maybe she was trying to say she was in love with me knowing that she still struggles with having normal emotional responses to things. I said "It's okay to think of me a lot. I'm your mom and you are still getting used to that and what that means to you." She hadn't acted out sexually to me so I don't really have any reason to think that's the case. She said "I've just never felt this way and it's wierd to me." I said I understood and gave her another hug and kiss and told her good night and turned off her light walking out the door. She said "I love you!" I said "I love you too!" but then she said "Oh, I love you way more..." in a all knowing type of tone. I said "I don't know if that's possible but okay sweetie, goodnight."
So, I just didn't know what to think of it. It scared me. How do I interpret that? The other problem is I found out her door alarm batteries went dead. I tried to rob a different door alarm for the night but I couldn't find any that would work! I don't know what was going on. But I knew one thing, her door alarm isn't working and she said "I love you TOO much.." I'm fearful that it means she is afraid to love me as much as she does because she is afraid she has let me in too much and I'm going to hurt her. Will she try to hurt me before I eventually hurt her? That was my fear. That is how she thinks, how RAD kids think.
It was late by the time I figured out there was no door alarm solution. It was going on 11pm. I couldn't call anyone to talk through my anxiety. I knew my mom would probably be up so I sent her an email to call me if she is still up. Not my first choice, but I needed to talk to someone. She called.
I told her about the day and evening events and what Penelope said. She said that she thought it was Penelope just not being used to feeling so much love. Which could be true.. but my instincts were telling me that my fear would make more sense. I told her my theory and she didn't totally dismiss it. I told her my problem is that her door alarm isn't working. I was sooo tired but didn't want to sleep. She said "Pull your dresser in front of your door and just move it early in the morning." She was right. That's what I did the first couple of nights after Penelope threatened to kill me before I could find alarms for the doors. I did just that.. and she must not have gotten up because she didn't ask me why my dresser was blocking the door. I hope at least.
My mom had called this morning to see how the evening went. It was okay. I still didn't get much sleep but all was good. However, we ended up getting into a big fight. She wanted to know if George had gotten Penelope's gift yet. I said that I didn't know because I hadn't heard anything. She was upset that it's been over a week since her birthday and Penelope hasn't received her dad's gift. We know he is holding out until he sees her again. He's trying to use it as leverage. She said she was going to call him to find out if she needs to go get something on his behalf for her. I told her not to do that. He needs to do that. Her concern was Penelope's feelings. I told her that one thing I've learned is that Penelope needs to know who her parents really are. We can't cover for them any more. It's not honest and she needs honesty. She doesn't need us talking bad about them, but telling the truth. So she understands it's not her fault, it's who they are. She didn't do anything to cause it. If we build up a facade that makes it seem like they are capable of being what she needs, it sends mixed messages. She didn't like that. Which made her mad, and she started ranting about everything and everybody. I told her it doesn't help her relationship with Penelope when she get mad like this. I was trying to be tactful. We have had a conversation recently, that she took well, how when she gets mad at someone, she starts to think about all the things that make her mad and then she just gets mad at everybody and it doesn't help her feel better. She wasn't so understanding this time. She said "It doesn't have anything to do with Penelope." I said "I know but when you get mad, it comes out in the topics you decide to talk about, how you talk about things, and the way you react to things." She started talking about how all her kids and her husband want her to act and be someone she isn't, and how she had given her life for us and everything she has ever done is for us and Penelope doesn't respect her and wants tries to push her buttons and she tries to not get mad about it and.. well maybe she has done too much for us. That was it for me. I said "Yes, maybe that's it. You've done too much for us." She said "I can hear your sarcasm." I said "I was being sarcastic. I have tried to help you improve your relationship with Penelope. I've told you why she does what she does and how to handle those situations, but it's hard for you because 'I'm trying to make you someone your not.' Well, that is how it is with Penelope. You have to do things you wouldn't naturally do! You are talking about my life! I have had to learn to be someone I am not, because that's what I needed to do. I don't like not being able to have an honest emotion but I do it!" She said "That's not what I'm saying...." and she went into telling me how unapprieciated she is and that all her kids think their dad is the best thing ever but he's not... Right. She said "I can't have this conversation right now.. " I said "Me neither" and she hung up.
We were suppose to go over my parents tonight for Sunday night dinner, but I had decided when she went into her downward spiral of self-pity that we wern't going to be able to do that. I wasn't going to expose Penelope to her need to make sure everyone knows how much we should appreciate her.
She called back 5 minutes later. "What time are you coming over?" I said "I don't think that is best today.. I will have to think about it.. unless you want a decision right now. Then it's no. I just don't think it's best." She said indifferently "That is fine. The offer still stands, your dad will be home around 4:00. Call him and let him know one way or the other." Then she went into another rant about how miserable she is, how she is old and hurts and doesn't even want to leave the house anymore and my father doesn't do anything with her or invite in order for her to want to leave the house, no one wants to do anything with her..... which was only solidifying our need not to go over there. A few minutes later when she stopped and told me to call dad, I said "Okay, bye."
She is such a miserable person and there pretty much isn't anything I do to help her, which I would love to. It's not like I hate her, I'm just not the person to help her. Just like she isn't the person to help me. I just know I am not going to expose Penelope to it. That hurts my mom but she will just have to deal with it. I hate to think what this is going to do to my dad. Yes, I need my dad, and she totally resents him and me for it.