Penelope started the week on a sour note. She was having a hard time with her anxiety and me being sick. My last post was about our wonderful Saturday where I walked in the rain because my car broke down to find she was fine, waiting patiently at her tutor's house. Sunday, she was done with me being sick. She was bored. She was disappointed we didn't go to the drive-in like we had planned. She was disappointed we didn't go to church. But her biggest disappointment was in that I had pushed her away with the "shaky" excuse of "I'm sick and I don't want you to get sick." I showed her how I was running a fever and she knew all the other symptoms but it just wasn't good enough. She'd say she understood but she was still mad about it. My parents took her out for a while and brought her back after dinner. She was still unhappy. She blamed me for them not going to the park "because you called and we had to go to the store instead." I knew that was a lie because all I asked was for my dad to pick up some medicine on his way back. That wouldn't have prevented him from taking her to the park if he had agreed to. The three of us talked about it. She was mad at me for being sick. I was getting in the way of her plans. There was zero sympathy. I told her that it wasn't her job to take care of me and I am not asking that, but I do expect her to understand that I really don't want to be sick and I'm not using it as an excuse to not be around her more or do fun things with her. She seemed to understand that her feelings were irrational but that I wasn't dismissing them but rather that we both know she needs to get them under control.
By Monday after school she was fine. Her first week of school seemed to go very good. The two main concerns being her interest in the school work and then social issues. She was so excited about having homework she did a little "I have homework" dance. LOL She even asked me to help her and didn't have a total conniption. Wednesday she did get really frustrated over not knowing how to do something and started to cry. I think she has a little of me in her, a little perfectionism in her. She wants to do so well this year. Straight As she said. We talked about realistic goals for short term and how to be patient with herself when things get hard. It was a matter of looking it up in her book to figure out what she was suppose to do. Her emotions were not settling fast enough and she was getting even more mad about that so she couldn't focus and would only grunt or make growl sounds when I'd make suggestions. So I made her close her book and take some deep breathes. She immediately said "I can't!" but fortunetly tried anyway and got herself to calm down. She then finished it and was a little mad for figuring out it was so easy. It was interesting to see how even being mad would make her mad. It's such a hard emotion for her to keep from escilating out of control.
But the rest of the week has been good for her. She even is doing well socially. The girl that bullies her has been not as successful because her friend that is in the middle finally has been standing up against the bully for Penelope's sake. I'm feeling good about not getting intervening. That has been so hard. It's important for Penelope to do this on her own, to see she can do it on her own even though it's really hard. I'm proud of her though.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Good sign!
Okay, today was one of those days... you know, where everything that could go wrong, goes wrong. You know, where several separate variables effected eachother to create the worst situation. Haven't had one of those in a while. So, the symptoms I was thinking where just wacked out allergies really is a nasty summer cold. It flaired up about 48 hours ago - going on day 3. It's 3:30 in the morning and I am still up even though I haven't slept more than a couple of hours in the last 3 days. Something to do with being able to breath.
Anyway, Penelope had tutor at 10am this morning. When she has tutor, I just park the car down the street or in a nearby parking lot and read a book. I usually use the alarm clock on my cell phone to remind me when to go pick her up so I can get lost in my book. I forgot my cell phone when we left - no big deal. I will just watch the clock in the car. I decided to park about a mile away in a parking lot near the grocery store. Last time I parked down the street from Laurie's house, the homeowner of the house I was parked in front of kept looking out the window at me. Anyway, when it was time to go, I went to start the car and the battery died. GREAT. It had a little juice but just not enough. I didn't have my cell to call and tell them I was stuck. So I went into one of the stores I was parked in front of and called my mom. She wouldn't be able to help me for like 3 hours but would try to find the phone number and call Penelope to let her know I'm on my way. It's starting to drizzle outside.
So I leave to store, sick as a dog, walking a mile to Laurie's house while it's drizzling. All I could think about was "Penelope is probably flipping out!" Tardiness/no shows were a common issue with her bio parents. Penelope counts the seconds you are late. If I am more than 2 minutes late picking her up from school or whatever, she goes in and calls on the office phone making sure I didn't "forget her." For me to be as late as I was, she had to figure I fell asleep from being sick or something and with her anxiety.. I moved as quickly as I could, trying to not cough up a lung. By the time I got there, I was nautious, sweating, and desperately needing tissues. I hurried in the front door and Penelope was just sitting there all calm. Calm?
She immediatly asked what happened. I told her about the battery and how I walked. I asked her if she was okay. She said "Yeah, I figured you would get here eventually..." What?? She did admit she thought I had fallen asleep but wasn't really that worried. Her tutor was working with another student when I got there but she said she'd drive us to our car when they were done. She had an appointment so she couldn't help jump start the car but that was fine! I'd figure that out, I was just glad Penelope was fine. Uncle B came to help start the car. He ended up taking Penelope with him so I could get rest - or try at least. Still having hard time with the breathing thing.
Her other student was so cute. His name was Max and he is 10 years old. I had never met him before but when he was done with his session he asked me "So what is wrong with your car?" I told him that the battery was dead. He scratched his chin, wrinkling up his forehead thinking really hard. He then said "You know what you should do? You should keep an extra battery with you." I said "Thank you for the great idea." LOL He continued his thinking and said "Yeah.. and then you should go to mechanics school so you can learn how to put it in your car. It's expensive but that way you won't have this problem again." It was so funny I couldn't help but just tell him that his idea was great and thank him for being so smart. He was so cute! Penelope just looked at me like "Do what??" and I just winked at her letting her know not to fret over it.
I was worried about Penelope spending the day with Uncle B and his kids but I told her she better be good and "Uncle B loves you way to much to cover for you and he promised me he would tell me if you didn't behave yourself. It wouldn't help you if he lied or covered up bad behavior, would it? So be good and helpful." She promised, and he said she was fine.
Good signs! Now I'm off to go blow my nose for the 100th time today. I have a love - hate relationship with saline nasal spray.
Anyway, Penelope had tutor at 10am this morning. When she has tutor, I just park the car down the street or in a nearby parking lot and read a book. I usually use the alarm clock on my cell phone to remind me when to go pick her up so I can get lost in my book. I forgot my cell phone when we left - no big deal. I will just watch the clock in the car. I decided to park about a mile away in a parking lot near the grocery store. Last time I parked down the street from Laurie's house, the homeowner of the house I was parked in front of kept looking out the window at me. Anyway, when it was time to go, I went to start the car and the battery died. GREAT. It had a little juice but just not enough. I didn't have my cell to call and tell them I was stuck. So I went into one of the stores I was parked in front of and called my mom. She wouldn't be able to help me for like 3 hours but would try to find the phone number and call Penelope to let her know I'm on my way. It's starting to drizzle outside.
So I leave to store, sick as a dog, walking a mile to Laurie's house while it's drizzling. All I could think about was "Penelope is probably flipping out!" Tardiness/no shows were a common issue with her bio parents. Penelope counts the seconds you are late. If I am more than 2 minutes late picking her up from school or whatever, she goes in and calls on the office phone making sure I didn't "forget her." For me to be as late as I was, she had to figure I fell asleep from being sick or something and with her anxiety.. I moved as quickly as I could, trying to not cough up a lung. By the time I got there, I was nautious, sweating, and desperately needing tissues. I hurried in the front door and Penelope was just sitting there all calm. Calm?
She immediatly asked what happened. I told her about the battery and how I walked. I asked her if she was okay. She said "Yeah, I figured you would get here eventually..." What?? She did admit she thought I had fallen asleep but wasn't really that worried. Her tutor was working with another student when I got there but she said she'd drive us to our car when they were done. She had an appointment so she couldn't help jump start the car but that was fine! I'd figure that out, I was just glad Penelope was fine. Uncle B came to help start the car. He ended up taking Penelope with him so I could get rest - or try at least. Still having hard time with the breathing thing.
Her other student was so cute. His name was Max and he is 10 years old. I had never met him before but when he was done with his session he asked me "So what is wrong with your car?" I told him that the battery was dead. He scratched his chin, wrinkling up his forehead thinking really hard. He then said "You know what you should do? You should keep an extra battery with you." I said "Thank you for the great idea." LOL He continued his thinking and said "Yeah.. and then you should go to mechanics school so you can learn how to put it in your car. It's expensive but that way you won't have this problem again." It was so funny I couldn't help but just tell him that his idea was great and thank him for being so smart. He was so cute! Penelope just looked at me like "Do what??" and I just winked at her letting her know not to fret over it.
I was worried about Penelope spending the day with Uncle B and his kids but I told her she better be good and "Uncle B loves you way to much to cover for you and he promised me he would tell me if you didn't behave yourself. It wouldn't help you if he lied or covered up bad behavior, would it? So be good and helpful." She promised, and he said she was fine.
Good signs! Now I'm off to go blow my nose for the 100th time today. I have a love - hate relationship with saline nasal spray.
Friday, August 21, 2009
School Rehearsal
I kinda look at this week as being a couple of rehearsal days of school will be starting next week. School in our area started on Thursday so there were only two days. This is probably very helpful for Penelope in the grand scheme of things. Helps her transition better. I already blogged about the day before school being rough on her stress and anxiety level. I picked her up from school and she was majorly grumpy. I don't even remember what she started complaining about - I think it had to do with what space I chose to pull the car into at the curb. But it came out quickly that the real issue is that she felt sick with a bad headache. She kept complaining about something smelling bad but I couldn't smell anything. Migraines do run in our family and it really sounded like one. But we had her weekly AT appointment an hour plus away. By the time we got there she was "car sick" and said she threw up in the bathroom. I am always suspicious of her claims to vomiting because she can do it whenever she wants to. Usually it's for attention purposes and usually when she is having a bad day. But today she didn't have a bad day, she loved everything about her day. But she was able to get through her brain training while I spoke with the lead AT. She had been out of town on and off so I filled her in on how Penelope's anxieties have been super high and it just seems like with camp ending and school starting that it's only getting worse. I made the decision there to get a face to face with her psychiatrist to evaluate her RAD "cocktail" for any possible adjustments. I try to be reasonable about my expectations of medicine but when all else fails, and she needs help, then we get that help. But I worry about the long term affects... My goal is to be able to wean her off of most of it, but it seems we only seem to increase things. I just have to remember that it's not been that long.
So anyway, I also told her about the second therapy appointment for George and how it went south and I yelled at the therapist. She was proud of me LOL. But I agreed that I'm not going back. I don't need that headache. She wanted to know if I had heard from Harriet and I told her about the text message conversation we had a few weeks ago, specifically how she is "trying" to get in with a therapist. It's been over a year now since Harriet had seen her daughter and she knows that she has to see a therapist before she can see her per the treating psychiatrist at the hospital. I have a hard time having an opinion on that because part of me hates being this limbo "when... when is she going to get to see Penelope again and is it going to be the way recommended by the medical professionals or is she going to force it legally?" and then the other part of me doesn't care if Penelope never sees Harriet again, because just like George - to ask "when" is giving the situation hope, like she is ever going to go to a therapist.
I did call today and ended up getting in within the hour with Penelope psychiatrist. He doubled one of her mood stabilizers. She takes 3 different ones. This one affects her anxiety level. One affects her rages and the last one affects her depression. Then on top of that she takes the highest dosage allowed for children of an ADHD medication. The two mood stabilizers she takes at night have sleep aid qualities but we top it off with OTC Melatonin and maybe even some benedryl. She does have bad allergies so I don't feel bad about that. You would think after that list of meds that she would be a walking zombie and the perfect child, wouldn't you? It just takes the edge off and makes her functional. You should see her during the first and last hour of the day. I haven't told her yet that her least favorite pill has been doubled. It's hard enough to get her to take her pills in the morning. She plays with them, drops them on the ground, acts like she threw them across the room etc. It's better though, she used to make herself throw up by grossing herself out about her breakfast, which comes before pills so she isn't taking them on an empty stomach. She will decide one day that the milk in her oatmeal has soured and start gagging at the table and that would be the end of it. Mold on toast, poison in her apple juice.. you name, she has created it, all in an effort to vomit. So now, she gets breakfast granola bars. I didn't cook it so I couldn't poison it - plus I was tired of wasting food and clean dishes for her to not eat it. About the issue with her pills.. For whatever reason, reverse psychology works here. Usually it doesn't. "Fine, I don't want you to take your pills today." "But I need them!" "Are you sure? It doesn't seem like you want them." "I want them! I want them!" "Then take them and quit playing around." LOL
So anyway, I also told her about the second therapy appointment for George and how it went south and I yelled at the therapist. She was proud of me LOL. But I agreed that I'm not going back. I don't need that headache. She wanted to know if I had heard from Harriet and I told her about the text message conversation we had a few weeks ago, specifically how she is "trying" to get in with a therapist. It's been over a year now since Harriet had seen her daughter and she knows that she has to see a therapist before she can see her per the treating psychiatrist at the hospital. I have a hard time having an opinion on that because part of me hates being this limbo "when... when is she going to get to see Penelope again and is it going to be the way recommended by the medical professionals or is she going to force it legally?" and then the other part of me doesn't care if Penelope never sees Harriet again, because just like George - to ask "when" is giving the situation hope, like she is ever going to go to a therapist.
I did call today and ended up getting in within the hour with Penelope psychiatrist. He doubled one of her mood stabilizers. She takes 3 different ones. This one affects her anxiety level. One affects her rages and the last one affects her depression. Then on top of that she takes the highest dosage allowed for children of an ADHD medication. The two mood stabilizers she takes at night have sleep aid qualities but we top it off with OTC Melatonin and maybe even some benedryl. She does have bad allergies so I don't feel bad about that. You would think after that list of meds that she would be a walking zombie and the perfect child, wouldn't you? It just takes the edge off and makes her functional. You should see her during the first and last hour of the day. I haven't told her yet that her least favorite pill has been doubled. It's hard enough to get her to take her pills in the morning. She plays with them, drops them on the ground, acts like she threw them across the room etc. It's better though, she used to make herself throw up by grossing herself out about her breakfast, which comes before pills so she isn't taking them on an empty stomach. She will decide one day that the milk in her oatmeal has soured and start gagging at the table and that would be the end of it. Mold on toast, poison in her apple juice.. you name, she has created it, all in an effort to vomit. So now, she gets breakfast granola bars. I didn't cook it so I couldn't poison it - plus I was tired of wasting food and clean dishes for her to not eat it. About the issue with her pills.. For whatever reason, reverse psychology works here. Usually it doesn't. "Fine, I don't want you to take your pills today." "But I need them!" "Are you sure? It doesn't seem like you want them." "I want them! I want them!" "Then take them and quit playing around." LOL
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Personal discernments
You know I consider my parenting Penelope as a journey that her and I are on together. I look at it as a journey only her and I are on together, even though there are other participants in our world. But they are not on our journey, just like passengers on the same plane are not on the same journey. We are alone in this journey. But unlike passengers on a plane, who's life is basically in the pilots hands, I am the one in control of this journey. As much control as I can be I guess. And I just learn more and more that I really don't have much control over it at all.
This whole journey has really cracked open the facade of my life. I had a view of my life being one where I had total control and 100% responsiblilty and accountability for every single thing that went on in it. One of my pet peeves, something I have always seen as a huge character flaw - and still do - of George, is when people take absolutely no responsibility or accountability for their actions. "I was late because I ran into so and so..." or, more specifically "I didn't know so you can't blame me" when it came to Penelope's circumstances. It's like saying "I sat her in the middle of the road but it's not my fault she got hit by a car." Anyway, I countered my intolerance to that mindset by having a rather opposite mindset. I did know that a lot of things were out of my control but I felt that I could, if need to or if my energy was focused on it, gain some control of it. I don't think my viewpoint was much different than most people who feel that, with enough effort, they can do anything. Isn't that what we learn, and honestly, what we teach and tell people? I mean, I tell that to Penelope "With enough work, you can do or be whatever you want to be." Is that fair though? Not just because she is Penelope with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but just because we honestly don't have that much control over our paths? There are always news reports about some amazing person who overcame their adversary to become whatever they wanted to be. Shouldn't they put a little disclaimer like they do during exercise equipment or weight loss commercials "*not typical. results will vary." or something?
So my perception / shell has cracked open. My confidence in things comes from that perception. I'm a perfectionist at heart. I don't work well in the gray.. the "maybe." I feel like I have to start over at 34 (next month). Learn to live in this uncertainty. It's been 10 months since I've worked and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to go back into my career again. It's hard enough to find the level position I was at when just looking, let alone with the economy and having quit and not worked for 10 months. A couple of people had recommended being self-employed and do consulting work. That takes confidence - something I lack anymore.
Plus I'm consumed with my role of parenting Penelope. It's an important role but it's not one that puts food on the table. But it's more important than any role I could have that does put food on the table. So how do I balance that? That's another thing I've learned I am not good at. I just figured, it's something I could control.. but it wasn't.
I think I also hide in this role.. It has consumed me so now it's where I feel comfortable. It's what I know anymore. I think of it as Penelope's AT think of Yuckworld. It's not a place you want to be, but you are so use to it, you're are comfortable in it. It's scary to get outside of it and go into Happyland. I want to be in Happyland, but until I know that Penelope is out of Yuckworld for good, I'm having a hard time letting myself out of it too. A good offense is a good defense, right?
I just don't know any other way right now. I even "parent" my brother's kids that way. I see my brother and his wife do the more traditional correctives, and I cringe.
Two weekends ago, Penelope and I stopped over to play with the kids while their parents put a new "big girl" bed together for my 2 1/2 year old niece. I'm going to call her Maddie. She was clinging to me wanting me to play with her. She is into brushing your hair and putting fake lipstick on you with these toys she has. But she had dumped her brother's metal lunch box of army men on the floor and was refusing to pick them up. Total, flat out, refusal. "NO" and huffed off to do something she would rather do wanting me to play with her. I told her "Not until you pick up your brother's toys you dumped." Well, she had a fit. Screaming and crying. She wasn't going to do it and I'm just down right mean to her for making her. I said "Then maybe you need a time out to calm down." And then RAD Mom kicked in. "Thanks for letting me know you needed a time out. Let me know when you are ready to get up by stop crying." This was a modified version of Strong Sitting. Knowing, based on the rules of Strong Sitting, you have to change up the time by the age, that she wasn't going to be able to deal with too much sitting. So I checked on her after 15 seconds and said "Thanks for letting me know you still need more time" giving her two thumbs up and a big smile. If a 2 1/2 year old knew what crack was, she definitely thought I was on it from her expression. But I knew that when I paid attention to her, her cries got louder. But as a "Mom" I could tell her cries after the first initial 10 second fit were just fake and forced. After about 3 or 4 minutes and 3 more checkups, she stopped crying. I went in and said "Did you stop crying?? Awesome! You did great!" High fived her, and said "Now all you need to do is go pick up the toys and we can go have some fun!" She picked up every single army man with a skip in her step and a smile on her face. LOL. It actually cracked me up. Then about 30 minutes later, she got a hold of someone's lip balm. Expensive looking. Her mom gives her cleaned out empty lip gloss stuff but this was full. I tried to take it from her but she wouldn't give it to me and then she became all beligerent again. I took it from her and she busted out a huge tantrum. So it was time to sit out again. Did the same thing, but this time it only lasted maybe a minute. When she was done and was allowed to get up, she wanted the lip balm back. I said "No, sweetie." She said "But I stopped crying." That made me laughed. I gave her a hug and told her that she did and I was proud of her, but her sit out was for not doing as I told her to. She said "Oh, okay.." and went off to play.
It's a cute story but it's an example of how I am just this different person anymore. It's not that I was ever a yeller or anything like that.. but just like the rest of the world, our parenting instincts are just a certain way. Just like now, these are my new instincts, other instincts have changed too.
So now I need to go on a new journey of self-discovery. I did the sewing of oats/ self-discovery when I was in my late teens early twenties. Years working at the YMCA, traveling, and college. Now, I'm on a new but different journey of self-discovery. It's not just me anymore, but me with a child who has special needs. I have to find me in all this.
One thing I've done, and it just seemed that where my life has led me, was to start going to church. Penelope is much more religious than I am. And because of her, I talk about God more than I ever had. She has questions. I give her my take on it, but then am I just bullshitting her with my own personal spin? I was raised without a church. My father was born Baptist, but I gathered from the bits that I know about him and religion that he feels he's "done his time" in church, having gone Saturdays, Sundays, and Wednesdays every week until he moved away from home. My mother was raised Methodist and that's the church that they were married in. When we were in grade school, Mom took us church shopping here and there, but we never continued anywhere. We grew up in a very Catholic area of town and my twin brother and I went to a Catholic school for two years in grade school to help us academically. We were the only non-Catholics at the school which drew a lot of negative attention. That's why it was for only two years. I had a friend in grade school that was Jehovah's Witness - who told me I as was going to hell which freaked me out... I did volunteer and work at the YMCA which is my only positive religious related experience. Which prompted me to try to go to a non-denominational Christian church - being that the YMCA is non-denominational - when I was in my 3rd year of school. But the one I picked, close to my neighborhood I grew up in, was so weird! They talked about how other religions are "Cults" including Baptists and Catholics and they knew they were evil and were trying to get you to think they are not. And how he was at a conference in Hawaii and met a witch who tried to brainwash him or some crap like that. People were "speaking in different tongues" and they had at the end time for people to come up to be healed. I tried to keep an open mind and went for a month. - 4 times. But then I had enough. That was my last attempt at going to a church.
My older brother, Penelope's dad, went to a Catholic high school and his senior year he was baptised. But after graduating high school, he never set foot in a Catholic Church again. I think he did it because one of the priests had taken him under his wing in high school. That actually is a little bit of insight into how George thinks. If you are super nice to him and want him to believe something, he will bend over backwards to fullfill that wish for you. But it's more in a self-serving way. It's very superficial. There are no true convictions to that belief. A few years after that he met some people that were into Neo-Nazis and he got into that. Strolling downtown wearing their Doc Martins with white shoe laces, picking fights with anyone they found inferior - people of color, interracial couples, homosexuals - whomever. I assume he did that. He would comment about people he knew who did that - but was smart enough not to say he did it too. I know he wore the shoes with the laces. He made a point to let me know what the white laces meant (White Power) and Doc Martins being German was also very important. All things German... That is the circle he met Harriet I also assume - since that was around the time. I'm not really sure how she came into the picture other than she was someone who didn't care he was a total social reject, since she was the same. But she had an identity crisis of her own she battled. She went back and forth from skinhead with her own black outfits, black hair to hippy chick with peace signs, long flowy gauze dresses and tie died tops and sandles. George hated the hippy stuff. But, just like George, she conformed to whatever was socially appropriate in the circles that were accepting of them. They got engaged and then Harriet ended up pregnant with Penelope. So then they broke away from the Neo-Nazi thing and followed their closest friends in a different direction and decided they would join a more family-friendly Christian organization. (I say sarcastically) I'm not sure when they switched over to the Klu Klux Klan actually but they had become more domestic even though Harriet got busted for putting hate flyers on cars at the grocery store parking lot next to their apartment complex right before Penelope was born. We knew they were racists but we didn't know they joined any groups until Harriet used George's membership against him during the divorce to get emergency custody of Penelope. It took us a week to get a judge to listen have another hearing so George could present proof of Harriet's membership also. Did you know the KKK have membership cards? Nothing too technical. It had a "Put name here" on a line in the middle.
After that went down, George saw that he couldn't be a member any more or he could lose Penelope again. George's KKK friends told George "Just say the word" and they were going to get rid of Harriet. "You don't speak ill of a brother or the brotherhood." How is this an okay group to belong to?? He still defends them as non-violent misunderstood people.
After a couple of years he had found a grandmother figure "Charlene" that loved to watch Penelope. She was very religious and talked George into going to her church. She was very good at selling the idea of church being a good place to pick up chicks to him. So then, as a single dad, looking for a "mother for Penelope" started going to church. I'm not sure what kind of church it is but I know that the women and girls had to wear long skirts and little white hair bonnets. Very conservative. George and Penelope went there for about a year. George stopped going to that church because he said they were too conservative for him and he had new friends at a different church (ie. new pond for fishing). But since he isn't much into the religious stuff, he only went when there was a girl of interest going. Charlene was very concerned for both George and Penelope's souls. Her church's belief was that if you didn't go to their church, you were going to hell. So she kept persuing George to go back. George would say no (he wanted to sleep in), so Charlene offered to take Penelope to church and for the day - no charge. So Penelope went to that church and learned how everyone who doesn't go to that church is going to hell. Including her mother and father. Penelope asks Charlene "What about my mom and dad?" Charlene says "They are going to hell." Great....... Penelope also has learned the criteria of who qualifies for heaven and hell and starts going around telling people they are going to hell. Great..... WTF George! He just dismisses the problem because this wonderfully nice lady takes his needy kid off his hands for a day once a week for no cost! Around the time I came in the picture...... for more than that reason but that was one of them....
So now, after having her for 4 years, we are going to a church. We are not members yet but I see that in our near future. I don't want to jump the gun but be rational and investigative. But I really don't see how it doesn't fit what I believe and what I want Penelope to believe. I believe that our religion is too personal to be defined within an organized religion. I also believe that there is no right or wrong belief as long as it doesn't promote harm or hate. For Penelope, I want her to learn not to judge but embrace her difference and others differences as unique parts to learn about. We started going to this church that is Unitarian Universalist. It's a small congregation which has it's pros and cons. This past Sunday was their annual "church shoppers Sunday" where they talked about what it means to be a UU and gave examples of UU members and their different beliefs and backgrounds. There were several other visitors like Penelope and I and this was the first time we met and sat down with the Reverend. We met with him with some of the other visitors. Two were a couple who are also looking to get married. One is Buddhist and the other is Christian. I thought that was so interesting! But they just talked about all the different types of religious backgrounds that the Sunday Sermons are built from. Not just Christian but all religions and that they are accepting of everyone as long as they follow and promote their beliefs. They believe all people, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, religious belief, or sexual orientation, have inherent worth. They celebrate their different experiences, opinions, and lifestyles. They believe in moral and ethical living, striving to live with compassion, and maintaining the rational of justice and equality.
It's interesting, not this Sunday but next Sunday the Sermon is going to be "Blessing of the Animals." We are suppose to bring our family pet to church so that we can "celebrate the sacredness of the animal kingdom" and our personal relationships with our furry friends. Penelope has already picked out which pet we are bringing.
This whole journey has really cracked open the facade of my life. I had a view of my life being one where I had total control and 100% responsiblilty and accountability for every single thing that went on in it. One of my pet peeves, something I have always seen as a huge character flaw - and still do - of George, is when people take absolutely no responsibility or accountability for their actions. "I was late because I ran into so and so..." or, more specifically "I didn't know so you can't blame me" when it came to Penelope's circumstances. It's like saying "I sat her in the middle of the road but it's not my fault she got hit by a car." Anyway, I countered my intolerance to that mindset by having a rather opposite mindset. I did know that a lot of things were out of my control but I felt that I could, if need to or if my energy was focused on it, gain some control of it. I don't think my viewpoint was much different than most people who feel that, with enough effort, they can do anything. Isn't that what we learn, and honestly, what we teach and tell people? I mean, I tell that to Penelope "With enough work, you can do or be whatever you want to be." Is that fair though? Not just because she is Penelope with Reactive Attachment Disorder, but just because we honestly don't have that much control over our paths? There are always news reports about some amazing person who overcame their adversary to become whatever they wanted to be. Shouldn't they put a little disclaimer like they do during exercise equipment or weight loss commercials "*not typical. results will vary." or something?
So my perception / shell has cracked open. My confidence in things comes from that perception. I'm a perfectionist at heart. I don't work well in the gray.. the "maybe." I feel like I have to start over at 34 (next month). Learn to live in this uncertainty. It's been 10 months since I've worked and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to go back into my career again. It's hard enough to find the level position I was at when just looking, let alone with the economy and having quit and not worked for 10 months. A couple of people had recommended being self-employed and do consulting work. That takes confidence - something I lack anymore.
Plus I'm consumed with my role of parenting Penelope. It's an important role but it's not one that puts food on the table. But it's more important than any role I could have that does put food on the table. So how do I balance that? That's another thing I've learned I am not good at. I just figured, it's something I could control.. but it wasn't.
I think I also hide in this role.. It has consumed me so now it's where I feel comfortable. It's what I know anymore. I think of it as Penelope's AT think of Yuckworld. It's not a place you want to be, but you are so use to it, you're are comfortable in it. It's scary to get outside of it and go into Happyland. I want to be in Happyland, but until I know that Penelope is out of Yuckworld for good, I'm having a hard time letting myself out of it too. A good offense is a good defense, right?
I just don't know any other way right now. I even "parent" my brother's kids that way. I see my brother and his wife do the more traditional correctives, and I cringe.
Two weekends ago, Penelope and I stopped over to play with the kids while their parents put a new "big girl" bed together for my 2 1/2 year old niece. I'm going to call her Maddie. She was clinging to me wanting me to play with her. She is into brushing your hair and putting fake lipstick on you with these toys she has. But she had dumped her brother's metal lunch box of army men on the floor and was refusing to pick them up. Total, flat out, refusal. "NO" and huffed off to do something she would rather do wanting me to play with her. I told her "Not until you pick up your brother's toys you dumped." Well, she had a fit. Screaming and crying. She wasn't going to do it and I'm just down right mean to her for making her. I said "Then maybe you need a time out to calm down." And then RAD Mom kicked in. "Thanks for letting me know you needed a time out. Let me know when you are ready to get up by stop crying." This was a modified version of Strong Sitting. Knowing, based on the rules of Strong Sitting, you have to change up the time by the age, that she wasn't going to be able to deal with too much sitting. So I checked on her after 15 seconds and said "Thanks for letting me know you still need more time" giving her two thumbs up and a big smile. If a 2 1/2 year old knew what crack was, she definitely thought I was on it from her expression. But I knew that when I paid attention to her, her cries got louder. But as a "Mom" I could tell her cries after the first initial 10 second fit were just fake and forced. After about 3 or 4 minutes and 3 more checkups, she stopped crying. I went in and said "Did you stop crying?? Awesome! You did great!" High fived her, and said "Now all you need to do is go pick up the toys and we can go have some fun!" She picked up every single army man with a skip in her step and a smile on her face. LOL. It actually cracked me up. Then about 30 minutes later, she got a hold of someone's lip balm. Expensive looking. Her mom gives her cleaned out empty lip gloss stuff but this was full. I tried to take it from her but she wouldn't give it to me and then she became all beligerent again. I took it from her and she busted out a huge tantrum. So it was time to sit out again. Did the same thing, but this time it only lasted maybe a minute. When she was done and was allowed to get up, she wanted the lip balm back. I said "No, sweetie." She said "But I stopped crying." That made me laughed. I gave her a hug and told her that she did and I was proud of her, but her sit out was for not doing as I told her to. She said "Oh, okay.." and went off to play.
It's a cute story but it's an example of how I am just this different person anymore. It's not that I was ever a yeller or anything like that.. but just like the rest of the world, our parenting instincts are just a certain way. Just like now, these are my new instincts, other instincts have changed too.
So now I need to go on a new journey of self-discovery. I did the sewing of oats/ self-discovery when I was in my late teens early twenties. Years working at the YMCA, traveling, and college. Now, I'm on a new but different journey of self-discovery. It's not just me anymore, but me with a child who has special needs. I have to find me in all this.
One thing I've done, and it just seemed that where my life has led me, was to start going to church. Penelope is much more religious than I am. And because of her, I talk about God more than I ever had. She has questions. I give her my take on it, but then am I just bullshitting her with my own personal spin? I was raised without a church. My father was born Baptist, but I gathered from the bits that I know about him and religion that he feels he's "done his time" in church, having gone Saturdays, Sundays, and Wednesdays every week until he moved away from home. My mother was raised Methodist and that's the church that they were married in. When we were in grade school, Mom took us church shopping here and there, but we never continued anywhere. We grew up in a very Catholic area of town and my twin brother and I went to a Catholic school for two years in grade school to help us academically. We were the only non-Catholics at the school which drew a lot of negative attention. That's why it was for only two years. I had a friend in grade school that was Jehovah's Witness - who told me I as was going to hell which freaked me out... I did volunteer and work at the YMCA which is my only positive religious related experience. Which prompted me to try to go to a non-denominational Christian church - being that the YMCA is non-denominational - when I was in my 3rd year of school. But the one I picked, close to my neighborhood I grew up in, was so weird! They talked about how other religions are "Cults" including Baptists and Catholics and they knew they were evil and were trying to get you to think they are not. And how he was at a conference in Hawaii and met a witch who tried to brainwash him or some crap like that. People were "speaking in different tongues" and they had at the end time for people to come up to be healed. I tried to keep an open mind and went for a month. - 4 times. But then I had enough. That was my last attempt at going to a church.
My older brother, Penelope's dad, went to a Catholic high school and his senior year he was baptised. But after graduating high school, he never set foot in a Catholic Church again. I think he did it because one of the priests had taken him under his wing in high school. That actually is a little bit of insight into how George thinks. If you are super nice to him and want him to believe something, he will bend over backwards to fullfill that wish for you. But it's more in a self-serving way. It's very superficial. There are no true convictions to that belief. A few years after that he met some people that were into Neo-Nazis and he got into that. Strolling downtown wearing their Doc Martins with white shoe laces, picking fights with anyone they found inferior - people of color, interracial couples, homosexuals - whomever. I assume he did that. He would comment about people he knew who did that - but was smart enough not to say he did it too. I know he wore the shoes with the laces. He made a point to let me know what the white laces meant (White Power) and Doc Martins being German was also very important. All things German... That is the circle he met Harriet I also assume - since that was around the time. I'm not really sure how she came into the picture other than she was someone who didn't care he was a total social reject, since she was the same. But she had an identity crisis of her own she battled. She went back and forth from skinhead with her own black outfits, black hair to hippy chick with peace signs, long flowy gauze dresses and tie died tops and sandles. George hated the hippy stuff. But, just like George, she conformed to whatever was socially appropriate in the circles that were accepting of them. They got engaged and then Harriet ended up pregnant with Penelope. So then they broke away from the Neo-Nazi thing and followed their closest friends in a different direction and decided they would join a more family-friendly Christian organization. (I say sarcastically) I'm not sure when they switched over to the Klu Klux Klan actually but they had become more domestic even though Harriet got busted for putting hate flyers on cars at the grocery store parking lot next to their apartment complex right before Penelope was born. We knew they were racists but we didn't know they joined any groups until Harriet used George's membership against him during the divorce to get emergency custody of Penelope. It took us a week to get a judge to listen have another hearing so George could present proof of Harriet's membership also. Did you know the KKK have membership cards? Nothing too technical. It had a "Put name here" on a line in the middle.
After that went down, George saw that he couldn't be a member any more or he could lose Penelope again. George's KKK friends told George "Just say the word" and they were going to get rid of Harriet. "You don't speak ill of a brother or the brotherhood." How is this an okay group to belong to?? He still defends them as non-violent misunderstood people.
After a couple of years he had found a grandmother figure "Charlene" that loved to watch Penelope. She was very religious and talked George into going to her church. She was very good at selling the idea of church being a good place to pick up chicks to him. So then, as a single dad, looking for a "mother for Penelope" started going to church. I'm not sure what kind of church it is but I know that the women and girls had to wear long skirts and little white hair bonnets. Very conservative. George and Penelope went there for about a year. George stopped going to that church because he said they were too conservative for him and he had new friends at a different church (ie. new pond for fishing). But since he isn't much into the religious stuff, he only went when there was a girl of interest going. Charlene was very concerned for both George and Penelope's souls. Her church's belief was that if you didn't go to their church, you were going to hell. So she kept persuing George to go back. George would say no (he wanted to sleep in), so Charlene offered to take Penelope to church and for the day - no charge. So Penelope went to that church and learned how everyone who doesn't go to that church is going to hell. Including her mother and father. Penelope asks Charlene "What about my mom and dad?" Charlene says "They are going to hell." Great....... Penelope also has learned the criteria of who qualifies for heaven and hell and starts going around telling people they are going to hell. Great..... WTF George! He just dismisses the problem because this wonderfully nice lady takes his needy kid off his hands for a day once a week for no cost! Around the time I came in the picture...... for more than that reason but that was one of them....
So now, after having her for 4 years, we are going to a church. We are not members yet but I see that in our near future. I don't want to jump the gun but be rational and investigative. But I really don't see how it doesn't fit what I believe and what I want Penelope to believe. I believe that our religion is too personal to be defined within an organized religion. I also believe that there is no right or wrong belief as long as it doesn't promote harm or hate. For Penelope, I want her to learn not to judge but embrace her difference and others differences as unique parts to learn about. We started going to this church that is Unitarian Universalist. It's a small congregation which has it's pros and cons. This past Sunday was their annual "church shoppers Sunday" where they talked about what it means to be a UU and gave examples of UU members and their different beliefs and backgrounds. There were several other visitors like Penelope and I and this was the first time we met and sat down with the Reverend. We met with him with some of the other visitors. Two were a couple who are also looking to get married. One is Buddhist and the other is Christian. I thought that was so interesting! But they just talked about all the different types of religious backgrounds that the Sunday Sermons are built from. Not just Christian but all religions and that they are accepting of everyone as long as they follow and promote their beliefs. They believe all people, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, religious belief, or sexual orientation, have inherent worth. They celebrate their different experiences, opinions, and lifestyles. They believe in moral and ethical living, striving to live with compassion, and maintaining the rational of justice and equality.
It's interesting, not this Sunday but next Sunday the Sermon is going to be "Blessing of the Animals." We are suppose to bring our family pet to church so that we can "celebrate the sacredness of the animal kingdom" and our personal relationships with our furry friends. Penelope has already picked out which pet we are bringing.
I can breath now....
It's been a while since I last blogged. Recap over the past week - Penelope had her last week of camp last week, not going very well. She was late almost every day and I ended up keeping her home on one day to let her know that it was unacceptable behavior. But then the rest of the week she had social problems, saying some boys were picking on her. A black boy kept calling her a marshmallow. That was a new one for me. She took it as a comment about her weight. I took it as a comment about her weight and color. I worry about the color thing with her, because the 1st 7 years of her life, she was raised in a racist (KKK) home. She "claimed" to not know what the N word was last year and we talked about it. She said she heard "African American" kids use it. I told her they shouldn't use it either but that it's a horrible cuss word that is very mean and hurtful, but that is also makes the person who says the word look really stupid and embarrassing. So, here is a child with RAD who has found a weapon that she knows will cut deep any black child who she feels have wronged her. So I'm relying heavily on the my statements about how using the word will make her look. Coincidentally, or not, the 3 kids that have really bullied her at school over the past few years have been black. But she also has gravitated towards a couple black kids at school to be friends with. She hasn't gotten in trouble for using the word or anything, but I wonder why her bullies are black. But I also know that the 3 kids also have bullied others. But I guess my point is, is that for a black child to make racial comments against Penelope isn't helping my case!
But then, I also wonder why it's this last week she is having this problem. The last week of camp. She also "reinjured" her knee. The bruise from a couple of weeks ago was starting to go away and it came back full force. And of course, she made sure I knew about it. Her complaints about camp and her overall pessimistic attitude in general was getting so bad I debated letting her complete the week out. Thank goodness, her last day was fun for her and it ended on a good note. She did point out that Thursday in therapy, when asked what she needed to help get out of Yuckworld, she said "Time with my mom." Well, that was this week.
Saturday we cleaned her room and I did some laundry. Sunday, we went to church - she was so excited we were 5 minutes late. lol. I hope that makes sense. But then we met up with Papaw and Uncle B and his family to go boating on Papaw's boat. A boat he has had for 4 years that I really don't remember knowing he had. I'm seriously concerned that my brain is leaking. It would explain a lot. Anyway, we held them up with our whole "church going" thing but they were tolerant. Everyone had fun, at least the kids did and we did watching the kids tubing. It was funny watching my brother's 2 1/2 year old daughter sit on and try to pee in a large plastic cup from a drive thru because she just couldn't bring herself to pee in the river. You could read it on her face "Wait..wait.. NOW you WANT me to wet myself.. really? Are you sure? I'm not going to get in trouble?.. they are playing with me...They HAVE to be.."
But then, Monday - Wednesday we spent the entire days together. It was good, she was calmer, happier, feeling better. Wednesday way was hard because she was really starting to get re-anxious about school starting. And she didn't fall asleep until probably after midnight. Even with all her knockout medicine in her and my nightly reading to her. She was anxious. She cried, she yelled, had her lights on when they were suppose to be off, left her door open when it was suppose to be closed (with alarm on), listening to her headphones which were suppose to be put up... I was letting my own tiredness and frustration with her, what felt like, efforts to stay awake take over my emotions. She wanted to sleep in my room which is off limits (with lightening storms as an exception). If I allow it, she will make it a nightly battle. I've learned that lesson before. I even allowed myself to get passive/aggressive. "Why don't you just go watch TV in the family room.. since like you said 'I'm never going to sleep.'" But I realized at that point, I crossed the line for myself. She just looked at me with the look she gives me when I go there.. like "you don't really mean that do you?" Finally I took the blanket off the foot of my bed.. walked her back into her room. Took her pillows, a body pillow, her blankets and had her lay cosied up with all the pillows supporting her arms and legs and head and tucked her in nice and tight and comforted. Kissed her goodnight.. and she finally went to sleep.
Today is her first day of 6th grade. I hope it is going well. I think I'm going to take a nap.
But then, I also wonder why it's this last week she is having this problem. The last week of camp. She also "reinjured" her knee. The bruise from a couple of weeks ago was starting to go away and it came back full force. And of course, she made sure I knew about it. Her complaints about camp and her overall pessimistic attitude in general was getting so bad I debated letting her complete the week out. Thank goodness, her last day was fun for her and it ended on a good note. She did point out that Thursday in therapy, when asked what she needed to help get out of Yuckworld, she said "Time with my mom." Well, that was this week.
Saturday we cleaned her room and I did some laundry. Sunday, we went to church - she was so excited we were 5 minutes late. lol. I hope that makes sense. But then we met up with Papaw and Uncle B and his family to go boating on Papaw's boat. A boat he has had for 4 years that I really don't remember knowing he had. I'm seriously concerned that my brain is leaking. It would explain a lot. Anyway, we held them up with our whole "church going" thing but they were tolerant. Everyone had fun, at least the kids did and we did watching the kids tubing. It was funny watching my brother's 2 1/2 year old daughter sit on and try to pee in a large plastic cup from a drive thru because she just couldn't bring herself to pee in the river. You could read it on her face "Wait..wait.. NOW you WANT me to wet myself.. really? Are you sure? I'm not going to get in trouble?.. they are playing with me...They HAVE to be.."
But then, Monday - Wednesday we spent the entire days together. It was good, she was calmer, happier, feeling better. Wednesday way was hard because she was really starting to get re-anxious about school starting. And she didn't fall asleep until probably after midnight. Even with all her knockout medicine in her and my nightly reading to her. She was anxious. She cried, she yelled, had her lights on when they were suppose to be off, left her door open when it was suppose to be closed (with alarm on), listening to her headphones which were suppose to be put up... I was letting my own tiredness and frustration with her, what felt like, efforts to stay awake take over my emotions. She wanted to sleep in my room which is off limits (with lightening storms as an exception). If I allow it, she will make it a nightly battle. I've learned that lesson before. I even allowed myself to get passive/aggressive. "Why don't you just go watch TV in the family room.. since like you said 'I'm never going to sleep.'" But I realized at that point, I crossed the line for myself. She just looked at me with the look she gives me when I go there.. like "you don't really mean that do you?" Finally I took the blanket off the foot of my bed.. walked her back into her room. Took her pillows, a body pillow, her blankets and had her lay cosied up with all the pillows supporting her arms and legs and head and tucked her in nice and tight and comforted. Kissed her goodnight.. and she finally went to sleep.
Today is her first day of 6th grade. I hope it is going well. I think I'm going to take a nap.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
2nd Guest Appearance at George's Therapy Session
2nd appearance and last - definitely. I only went so that I could finish what I felt the therapist needed to hear, and at the request of my dad. The general hope is that if his therapist understands what has happened and what Penelope's needs are, then maybe she could get George to understand. It's a general hope because I'm not sure anyone in our family will claim that they still have that hope. We want to have that hope, but then wanting to hope instead of having hope is still putting ourselves out there too far.
I think I faired better the first visit, because I was doing better, because Penelope was doing better. I am frazzled. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I am tired. But I went to this appointment, knowing I just needed to get it over with. Then I can go home, take a nap, and take Penelope to her attachment therapy appointment this afternoon.
The therapist opened the floor - as traditional therapist always start sessions. George said that he got to see Penelope for an hour a week ago Friday. It went fine, but he knows it's really about how Penelope does after the fact. He said he knows that there was some incident with Grandma but that's it. He knew how she had been doing, but he wanted to focus on Grandma. So I explained what happened with Grandma and then went on to talk about the last two weeks. But she cut me off and went back to George and said "Wait, so what happened at the visit?" He explained that it went fine and what they did. She looked at me and said "But you connect the problems she has been having with seeing George, when everything went fine, but not to what happened with her Grandmother? Tell me how this is related to George, because it seems to me that the incident with your mom was more upsetting..." I said "You can't compare the two because her relationship with her Grandmother is totally different than the one she has with her father. It's not about what goes on at the visit, as much as it's about seeing him at all. It's best that nothing bad happens at the visit, but seeing him is enough. He is her link to the trauma, the abuse, the life in constant flux, a reminder that she doesn't have the perfect family of bio dad, bio mom still married, no neglect, everything wonderful that she assumes all her friends have. Her relationship with her grandmother is totally different. She knows she can push her buttons and when she is not strong, she controls her grandmother by doing so. But it didn't trigger her regression. She sees her grandmother at least once a week and is fine." The therapist said "That is exactly my point, if George can see Penelope on a regular basis, she will handle her emotions better."
This is the part where I didn't handle myself very well. But you know, I don't necessarily regret it. Sometimes it feels really good to be a total bitch.
I told said. "You are wrong! And you are wrong for making an assumption about someone that you have no idea about! You don't know what you are talking about and you know NOTHING about Reactive Attachment Disorder! I'm trying to keep an open mind about being here, but I am NOT here to negotiate NOR defend what I do and am doing for Penelope. I am here because my dad asked me to be so that I can share with you what has happened and what Penelope needs." I said, "I wish I brought her drawings with me.. I think I have one with me." And pulled the one from Mother's Day that I have kept in my purse since the day she gave it to me. It is a drawing of Penelope, with an evil grin holding a knife over me, with me laying dead with multiple stab wounds. Around the drawing she wrote "HELP ME" "PLEASE HELP ME". Penelope wanted me to help her. I said "Nothing bad happened on Mother's Day." I told several stories about Penelope and what she has done. Her mental state, what I've done to help her. About what a Godsend Attachment Therapy is, and how it's saved our lives. But that I have given up everything for it. My career, my friends, my health, physical and mental to help her get better. My dad supports us right now so we live on the least we can. She tried to tell me how to get food stamps. Thanks lady. But she told George that he is very lucky that I have done this for Penelope and it shows my love and devotion to her. I think of additional words like sacrifice and commitment. Words that are not part of his vocabulary.
One contention he wanted to argue about "since he can't see Penelope" he wants to go to her parent/teacher meetings. No. He wanted to last year and I blew him off by telling him that they are at the school and she would see him. So he wants the teachers to meet HIM off campus. I told him that isn't going to happen. I can barely get more than 15 minutes of their time in their classroom let alone away from campus. But he started pushing it in this meeting. I told him that I don't want him at the meetings. The meetings are hard enough without him there. He has fought me on everything I've done with Penelope, why would I want him there? He needs to trust that I am handling these things for her. I understand his point that he wants to do something for her, but I told both him and the therapist, I don't care what he wants. I need to keep out anyone from our world who doesn't support us. I don't have the energy or strength to tolerate anyone else. I feel like I have found the right things for us, and those things have proven themselves. So when someone says "I don't like it." They can kiss off. I told them, "I can't be everything to everybody. Penelope needs me, and I need this." The therapist seemed to understand. Of course George didn't. I said "Just trust that the issues at school will be fine. Heck, when Penelope was with you and Diane, I didn't ask to be in the parent/teacher meetings. I told Diane what Penelope needed and I trusted that the two of you were going to handle it... I didn't involve myself until I found out that Diane was sending nasty letters to her teacher telling them to take away her recesses because she was being punished and that she was failing her classes. Heck if I didn't intervene, she would have failed." He says "I went to those meetings!" Good for you idiot. He also said "She had to stay in from recess to finish the homework she didn't do at home." I said, "They were meetings I scheduled with the school. You were the custodial parent and needed to intervene at home. The teacher was being made to punish her, not to finish her homework. She even said so during that first meeting, don't you remember? That she wasn't comfortable with the notes but did as instructed by your wife. So if anything is here, is that you don't bring anything to table to monitor her academic welfare. I don't want you there." The fact that he was still covering for Diane and her brutal behavior just speaks volumes. He doesn't get it!
The therapist wanted me to come to their next session, but I declined. I said they need to meet just the two of them.. to work on getting him to quit putting up these defenses, self-satisfying rationales about what Penelope needs.
I think I faired better the first visit, because I was doing better, because Penelope was doing better. I am frazzled. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I am tired. But I went to this appointment, knowing I just needed to get it over with. Then I can go home, take a nap, and take Penelope to her attachment therapy appointment this afternoon.
The therapist opened the floor - as traditional therapist always start sessions. George said that he got to see Penelope for an hour a week ago Friday. It went fine, but he knows it's really about how Penelope does after the fact. He said he knows that there was some incident with Grandma but that's it. He knew how she had been doing, but he wanted to focus on Grandma. So I explained what happened with Grandma and then went on to talk about the last two weeks. But she cut me off and went back to George and said "Wait, so what happened at the visit?" He explained that it went fine and what they did. She looked at me and said "But you connect the problems she has been having with seeing George, when everything went fine, but not to what happened with her Grandmother? Tell me how this is related to George, because it seems to me that the incident with your mom was more upsetting..." I said "You can't compare the two because her relationship with her Grandmother is totally different than the one she has with her father. It's not about what goes on at the visit, as much as it's about seeing him at all. It's best that nothing bad happens at the visit, but seeing him is enough. He is her link to the trauma, the abuse, the life in constant flux, a reminder that she doesn't have the perfect family of bio dad, bio mom still married, no neglect, everything wonderful that she assumes all her friends have. Her relationship with her grandmother is totally different. She knows she can push her buttons and when she is not strong, she controls her grandmother by doing so. But it didn't trigger her regression. She sees her grandmother at least once a week and is fine." The therapist said "That is exactly my point, if George can see Penelope on a regular basis, she will handle her emotions better."
This is the part where I didn't handle myself very well. But you know, I don't necessarily regret it. Sometimes it feels really good to be a total bitch.
I told said. "You are wrong! And you are wrong for making an assumption about someone that you have no idea about! You don't know what you are talking about and you know NOTHING about Reactive Attachment Disorder! I'm trying to keep an open mind about being here, but I am NOT here to negotiate NOR defend what I do and am doing for Penelope. I am here because my dad asked me to be so that I can share with you what has happened and what Penelope needs." I said, "I wish I brought her drawings with me.. I think I have one with me." And pulled the one from Mother's Day that I have kept in my purse since the day she gave it to me. It is a drawing of Penelope, with an evil grin holding a knife over me, with me laying dead with multiple stab wounds. Around the drawing she wrote "HELP ME" "PLEASE HELP ME". Penelope wanted me to help her. I said "Nothing bad happened on Mother's Day." I told several stories about Penelope and what she has done. Her mental state, what I've done to help her. About what a Godsend Attachment Therapy is, and how it's saved our lives. But that I have given up everything for it. My career, my friends, my health, physical and mental to help her get better. My dad supports us right now so we live on the least we can. She tried to tell me how to get food stamps. Thanks lady. But she told George that he is very lucky that I have done this for Penelope and it shows my love and devotion to her. I think of additional words like sacrifice and commitment. Words that are not part of his vocabulary.
One contention he wanted to argue about "since he can't see Penelope" he wants to go to her parent/teacher meetings. No. He wanted to last year and I blew him off by telling him that they are at the school and she would see him. So he wants the teachers to meet HIM off campus. I told him that isn't going to happen. I can barely get more than 15 minutes of their time in their classroom let alone away from campus. But he started pushing it in this meeting. I told him that I don't want him at the meetings. The meetings are hard enough without him there. He has fought me on everything I've done with Penelope, why would I want him there? He needs to trust that I am handling these things for her. I understand his point that he wants to do something for her, but I told both him and the therapist, I don't care what he wants. I need to keep out anyone from our world who doesn't support us. I don't have the energy or strength to tolerate anyone else. I feel like I have found the right things for us, and those things have proven themselves. So when someone says "I don't like it." They can kiss off. I told them, "I can't be everything to everybody. Penelope needs me, and I need this." The therapist seemed to understand. Of course George didn't. I said "Just trust that the issues at school will be fine. Heck, when Penelope was with you and Diane, I didn't ask to be in the parent/teacher meetings. I told Diane what Penelope needed and I trusted that the two of you were going to handle it... I didn't involve myself until I found out that Diane was sending nasty letters to her teacher telling them to take away her recesses because she was being punished and that she was failing her classes. Heck if I didn't intervene, she would have failed." He says "I went to those meetings!" Good for you idiot. He also said "She had to stay in from recess to finish the homework she didn't do at home." I said, "They were meetings I scheduled with the school. You were the custodial parent and needed to intervene at home. The teacher was being made to punish her, not to finish her homework. She even said so during that first meeting, don't you remember? That she wasn't comfortable with the notes but did as instructed by your wife. So if anything is here, is that you don't bring anything to table to monitor her academic welfare. I don't want you there." The fact that he was still covering for Diane and her brutal behavior just speaks volumes. He doesn't get it!
The therapist wanted me to come to their next session, but I declined. I said they need to meet just the two of them.. to work on getting him to quit putting up these defenses, self-satisfying rationales about what Penelope needs.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sabatoge
I think Penelope has sabotaged herself by making the declaration she made last Thursday. "I will never let myself be in Yuckworld again." This weekend has been some what of a roller coaster spilling out into the week. It is wearing me out! I'm just stressed out and trying to be strong myself. But her behavior and attitude is just getting on my last nerve. Friday after I picked her up from camp she seemed fine. Camp uses up all her energy and she is usually just tired when I get her. We went back to the house and my dad was cutting my grass for me. How sweet is that! I told him I was planning on doing it, but then my mom needed me to take her to a home inspection (her car was in the shop so we were sharing the other car). I brought a book but finished it with like 2 hours to spare! Ugh it was long! I was conned into that one. I was under the impression it wasn't going to be more than an hour. Anyway, I spent most of the day driving around with her and by the time we were done, I had an hour before I had to pick up Penelope from camp. Not worth even going home first. But it was good time to sit and do nothing (in my car in a parking lot) just gathering my thoughts. My mom stresses me out too.
When we got home, Penelope went outside to "help" Papaw. She was sweeping the sidewalk and driveway. She'll work for him... I made dinner for the three of us and then Papaw went home.
Saturday, she did do something nice. She organized and cleaned her bookshelf with her books, CDs and journals on it. She was very proud of herself. She took a good hour to do it though. It was really just a 10 minute job. But, she did it without being asked which she pointed out numerous times. But other than that, she played in her play room most of the day. I kept an eye on her but it gave me time to get some laundry done and I'm trying to go through her clothes to see what still fits etc. for the school year.
We had plans to go to church on Sunday. It doesn't start until 10:45. But Sunday morning there was no way we were going to make it. I woke Penelope up around 8am. She wanted to go but would rather see me upset that we are going to be running late. She hates to take showers. She was overdue. She didn't want to take one. I told her I'm not letting her go to church looking and smelling the way she does. She was still naked at 10:40. That was it for me. I told her it was too late to go to church now. We will just have to wait until next week. She didn't like that at all. She finally figured out that she doesn't want to be late for school (detention) but is okay being late everywhere else. She wants to go to church. Why would she be okay with being late? Just not making the connection I guess. Does she think they will wait? or doesn't really care? I think it's the later. Especially lately. She may want something but she is so wrapped up in her own anxiety to care even it actually happens or not.
We had to go shopping for school supplies and I told her that we were doing it after church. But now we weren't going to church. So we needed to go to the store. After I told her we weren't going to church, but now we still need to go to the store, she was all Ms. Eager Beaver. Now I was holding HER up from her perspective. At one point she started counting backwards "10, 9, 8, 7....." I stopped and looked at her like "Oh, really?" I went and sat down. She said "I was just kidding!" No.. I'm not stupid. We had a brief conversation about it, about her status of being in Yuckworld and her need to have a break before we go anywhere. I will let her know when we will be leaving.
The rest of the day went fine. She seemed to be trying. We went to the store, stopped by Uncle Bs and then to my parents for dinner.
Monday, she went to camp and when I picked her up she started crying, saying she felt horrible and she just wanted to go home "and snuggle!" It took a bit but I got to the issue. She hadn't finished her homework for tutor later that afternoon. She was trying to say she was sick so she wouldn't have to go to tutor. I talked her into going. I told her she would feel good about it afterwards - face the consequences instead of freat or lie about it. Just deal with it and get it over with. She knew her Laurie was going to make her "do something" as she put it. I told her that Laurie wasn't going to be happy but she will still care for her. But I also recommended she get as much done as she could before we went. She still had 1 1/2 hours. But it was also raining and thurdering. She had already gotten herself so worked up and then with the weather, she was really having a hard time focusing. She ended up getting all but a few pages read so Laurie didn't make her do anything but had a good talk with her.
Tuesday I ended up keeping her home because her behavior warranted it. We were 30 minutes late to camp on Monday, and we were running about 20 minutes late on Tuesday. We had been running late all last week. I told her that it wasn't fair to the camp counselors to have to walk all the way up to the facility from the woods to get her when signing her in late. We got all the way to the camp but when no one was at the sign in area, and after lot of procrastinating and complaining all morning, I told her that she was going to stay home with me and we were doing chores - cleaning out closets, under beds, etc. She didn't like that at ALL. She cried and got really angry and called me names and told me she didn't ever want to speak to me again etc. By the time we got home she had calmed down. And I got her to help but she was piddling around most of the time. I know I should have been on her harder than I was, but I just didn't have the strength to hold up the pace and keep it positive. She has worn me down!
Wednesday we were on time, thank goodness, and they went on a field trip to a park downtown along the river. We didn't know that was where they were going. (Late Monday so no weekly flyer, and missed Tuesday) We thought they were going to a museum that was in the summer brochure, so she didn't pack her bathing suit. Around 11:30 I get a call from her counselor that she had thrown up. Great. I asked him what else was going on with her. Nothing, she just said her stomach was upset. I know that she felt fine 2 1/2 hours ago. I said I thought it was her making herself sick, she didn't have her suit, and I found out later, her camp bff wasn't on the trip. She was looking for attention. When I picked her up she acted like she was sick but she seemed more depressed than ill. But she finally got her letter from her teacher so she knows who her teachers will be this year, and her maternal grandmother sent her a jewelry making kit. So she was fine once she got those. However, it was tutor day again and she hadn't kept up with her work. She used to be so good about that, but ever since seeing her dad, it's been an after thought and negative instead of positive. So, she crammed all her reading in right before tutoring. I can't help her with her time management because it will mean I care to much about it and she will use it against me. All I can do is "suggest" time to read. But it's up to her.
Today is Thursday, and she was on time, but told me right before we left that she was suppose to be at camp at 8:30 because they are leaving early to go on their bonus field trip. I knew about the bonus field trip but not the 8:30 deadline. Lucky for her, the bus was running 45 minutes late. UGH. I wasn't handling it well. I told her that I was tired of being late. Was she trying to be late like last year?? I got on her, when I shouldn't. I guess the issue was, I had an appointment for an hour later (George's therapy appointment) and if I were to go to it, I couldn't take her with me. I had called the camp to confirm what Penelope was telling me and they said the bus was late, so if we hurry it should be okay. But if she misses it, she can stay at the camp with the younger kids. That wasn't an option. I don't know why it made me so upset. I should have just accepted the fact that she was either going on the trip or I wasn't going to the appointment. But I also don't want her to think I can just drop things at her will because she will use that as much as she can.
It just hasn't been a good week. I have to remember that it's been a LOT WORSE. I am just worried about school. It starts in a week. She can't even handle getting her work done for tutor twice a week. She wants to feel better but she is also fighting it. I want it for her. I want it to be easier for her. It's so frustrating! I need to get my shit together so I can help her get there. The stress of the appointment with George and his therapist probably didn't help me handle things well this morning either. And then the stress of the last two weeks didn't help me deal with the appointment well either. That will be for my next post.
When we got home, Penelope went outside to "help" Papaw. She was sweeping the sidewalk and driveway. She'll work for him... I made dinner for the three of us and then Papaw went home.
Saturday, she did do something nice. She organized and cleaned her bookshelf with her books, CDs and journals on it. She was very proud of herself. She took a good hour to do it though. It was really just a 10 minute job. But, she did it without being asked which she pointed out numerous times. But other than that, she played in her play room most of the day. I kept an eye on her but it gave me time to get some laundry done and I'm trying to go through her clothes to see what still fits etc. for the school year.
We had plans to go to church on Sunday. It doesn't start until 10:45. But Sunday morning there was no way we were going to make it. I woke Penelope up around 8am. She wanted to go but would rather see me upset that we are going to be running late. She hates to take showers. She was overdue. She didn't want to take one. I told her I'm not letting her go to church looking and smelling the way she does. She was still naked at 10:40. That was it for me. I told her it was too late to go to church now. We will just have to wait until next week. She didn't like that at all. She finally figured out that she doesn't want to be late for school (detention) but is okay being late everywhere else. She wants to go to church. Why would she be okay with being late? Just not making the connection I guess. Does she think they will wait? or doesn't really care? I think it's the later. Especially lately. She may want something but she is so wrapped up in her own anxiety to care even it actually happens or not.
We had to go shopping for school supplies and I told her that we were doing it after church. But now we weren't going to church. So we needed to go to the store. After I told her we weren't going to church, but now we still need to go to the store, she was all Ms. Eager Beaver. Now I was holding HER up from her perspective. At one point she started counting backwards "10, 9, 8, 7....." I stopped and looked at her like "Oh, really?" I went and sat down. She said "I was just kidding!" No.. I'm not stupid. We had a brief conversation about it, about her status of being in Yuckworld and her need to have a break before we go anywhere. I will let her know when we will be leaving.
The rest of the day went fine. She seemed to be trying. We went to the store, stopped by Uncle Bs and then to my parents for dinner.
Monday, she went to camp and when I picked her up she started crying, saying she felt horrible and she just wanted to go home "and snuggle!" It took a bit but I got to the issue. She hadn't finished her homework for tutor later that afternoon. She was trying to say she was sick so she wouldn't have to go to tutor. I talked her into going. I told her she would feel good about it afterwards - face the consequences instead of freat or lie about it. Just deal with it and get it over with. She knew her Laurie was going to make her "do something" as she put it. I told her that Laurie wasn't going to be happy but she will still care for her. But I also recommended she get as much done as she could before we went. She still had 1 1/2 hours. But it was also raining and thurdering. She had already gotten herself so worked up and then with the weather, she was really having a hard time focusing. She ended up getting all but a few pages read so Laurie didn't make her do anything but had a good talk with her.
Tuesday I ended up keeping her home because her behavior warranted it. We were 30 minutes late to camp on Monday, and we were running about 20 minutes late on Tuesday. We had been running late all last week. I told her that it wasn't fair to the camp counselors to have to walk all the way up to the facility from the woods to get her when signing her in late. We got all the way to the camp but when no one was at the sign in area, and after lot of procrastinating and complaining all morning, I told her that she was going to stay home with me and we were doing chores - cleaning out closets, under beds, etc. She didn't like that at ALL. She cried and got really angry and called me names and told me she didn't ever want to speak to me again etc. By the time we got home she had calmed down. And I got her to help but she was piddling around most of the time. I know I should have been on her harder than I was, but I just didn't have the strength to hold up the pace and keep it positive. She has worn me down!
Wednesday we were on time, thank goodness, and they went on a field trip to a park downtown along the river. We didn't know that was where they were going. (Late Monday so no weekly flyer, and missed Tuesday) We thought they were going to a museum that was in the summer brochure, so she didn't pack her bathing suit. Around 11:30 I get a call from her counselor that she had thrown up. Great. I asked him what else was going on with her. Nothing, she just said her stomach was upset. I know that she felt fine 2 1/2 hours ago. I said I thought it was her making herself sick, she didn't have her suit, and I found out later, her camp bff wasn't on the trip. She was looking for attention. When I picked her up she acted like she was sick but she seemed more depressed than ill. But she finally got her letter from her teacher so she knows who her teachers will be this year, and her maternal grandmother sent her a jewelry making kit. So she was fine once she got those. However, it was tutor day again and she hadn't kept up with her work. She used to be so good about that, but ever since seeing her dad, it's been an after thought and negative instead of positive. So, she crammed all her reading in right before tutoring. I can't help her with her time management because it will mean I care to much about it and she will use it against me. All I can do is "suggest" time to read. But it's up to her.
Today is Thursday, and she was on time, but told me right before we left that she was suppose to be at camp at 8:30 because they are leaving early to go on their bonus field trip. I knew about the bonus field trip but not the 8:30 deadline. Lucky for her, the bus was running 45 minutes late. UGH. I wasn't handling it well. I told her that I was tired of being late. Was she trying to be late like last year?? I got on her, when I shouldn't. I guess the issue was, I had an appointment for an hour later (George's therapy appointment) and if I were to go to it, I couldn't take her with me. I had called the camp to confirm what Penelope was telling me and they said the bus was late, so if we hurry it should be okay. But if she misses it, she can stay at the camp with the younger kids. That wasn't an option. I don't know why it made me so upset. I should have just accepted the fact that she was either going on the trip or I wasn't going to the appointment. But I also don't want her to think I can just drop things at her will because she will use that as much as she can.
It just hasn't been a good week. I have to remember that it's been a LOT WORSE. I am just worried about school. It starts in a week. She can't even handle getting her work done for tutor twice a week. She wants to feel better but she is also fighting it. I want it for her. I want it to be easier for her. It's so frustrating! I need to get my shit together so I can help her get there. The stress of the appointment with George and his therapist probably didn't help me handle things well this morning either. And then the stress of the last two weeks didn't help me deal with the appointment well either. That will be for my next post.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Kids say the darnedest things....
Talking about young kids saying the darnedest things, I have to share something that was just as funny as sweet that Penelope said a few days ago. I guess it's shouldn't be funny but understanding the behaviors of a child with RAD, even before the label was attached, it's still funny.
Back Story - Penelope is a very sentimental being. Even though she has issues with attachment, her loyalty and love of family is unmatched. When she really starts to learn the ability to attach and "let love in" as we call it, her ability to love will also go unmatched. Anyone who will have the privilege of having her love will be so lucky because it will be intense and huge.
She loves to be told stories of family and positive or funny events from her life. Also, I remind her of the love people have for her through examples/stories. One such story that she loves for me to tell her (over and over and over) is of her Uncle B. He is my twin brother and my best friend. Our relationship has changed over the years but we are always there for each other when we need it. But when we were in our early 20s, he was living at home and partying every night. Penelope was a just a little toddler at the time. I told Penelope how Uncle B wasn't really into little babies when she was born. I think it stemmed from a question about if Uncle B watched her when she was little. That or if he held her at the hospital. She likes to know who all held her at the hospital. But I told her Uncle B was busy with trying to find a girlfriend. Haha. I didn't want to tell her that she was a reminder as to why sex isn't always a good thing and he didn't like to be reminded.But I told her how one time when I was watching her at Grandma and Papaw's house, he was home and in his room watching tv. I had asked him if he could watch her for a minute, that I had to go get something. I was trying to get him to spend some time with his niece. He held her like one would hold a stinky diaper but he did it. I went upstairs and didn't come back for like 15 minutes. Small doses is what I thought. Her first Christmas, Penelope being the first "kid" in the family of her generation, we all went hog wild on the gifts. Except Uncle B. He bought her this rattle. He was very proud of it. It had Elmo and lit up when you shook it. But it was a rattle for crying out loud... But then the next year, we had Thanksgiving at her parents' house. She was sitting on a little hard plastic purple rocking horse. Uncle B started pushing down on the back of the rocking horse causing the front end to go up high in the air and helped the thing rock harder. Penelope giggled and laughed the entire time. At some point shortly afterwards he got tired, got up and starting walking into the kitchen. Over all the noise from all the different talking circles of adults, you heard her yell "UNCLE BRIAN!" in a tone that was like "where are you going?" She had never said his name before. She wasn't much of a talker at age 2. Everyone went silent and we all stared at Uncle B as he froze. He dropped his head and turned around and went back to Rocking Horse Attendent duty. She continued her laughing and giggling and it was very cute. A month later was Christmas and Uncle B this time showered her with gifts. "And every since, you've had a special place in his heart."
So, that's the story that I have told Penelope upon her prompting many times over the years. Then, the other day out of the blue she says "You know... I'm the reason Uncle B had kids."
If only she knew..
I had to tell Uncle B. It was too precious. I told him when we went to dinner with our cousin. We all laughed. It's not that we don't love her, but before we really knew there was something more than just bad parenting, from our perspective as young idealistic non-parents, Penelope was the child that you saw throw a huge tantrum in a restaurant or store because they didn't get their way. She was loud and uncontrolled. I knew that not all kids were like that but Uncle B wasn't so sure.
Back Story - Penelope is a very sentimental being. Even though she has issues with attachment, her loyalty and love of family is unmatched. When she really starts to learn the ability to attach and "let love in" as we call it, her ability to love will also go unmatched. Anyone who will have the privilege of having her love will be so lucky because it will be intense and huge.
She loves to be told stories of family and positive or funny events from her life. Also, I remind her of the love people have for her through examples/stories. One such story that she loves for me to tell her (over and over and over) is of her Uncle B. He is my twin brother and my best friend. Our relationship has changed over the years but we are always there for each other when we need it. But when we were in our early 20s, he was living at home and partying every night. Penelope was a just a little toddler at the time. I told Penelope how Uncle B wasn't really into little babies when she was born. I think it stemmed from a question about if Uncle B watched her when she was little. That or if he held her at the hospital. She likes to know who all held her at the hospital. But I told her Uncle B was busy with trying to find a girlfriend. Haha. I didn't want to tell her that she was a reminder as to why sex isn't always a good thing and he didn't like to be reminded.But I told her how one time when I was watching her at Grandma and Papaw's house, he was home and in his room watching tv. I had asked him if he could watch her for a minute, that I had to go get something. I was trying to get him to spend some time with his niece. He held her like one would hold a stinky diaper but he did it. I went upstairs and didn't come back for like 15 minutes. Small doses is what I thought. Her first Christmas, Penelope being the first "kid" in the family of her generation, we all went hog wild on the gifts. Except Uncle B. He bought her this rattle. He was very proud of it. It had Elmo and lit up when you shook it. But it was a rattle for crying out loud... But then the next year, we had Thanksgiving at her parents' house. She was sitting on a little hard plastic purple rocking horse. Uncle B started pushing down on the back of the rocking horse causing the front end to go up high in the air and helped the thing rock harder. Penelope giggled and laughed the entire time. At some point shortly afterwards he got tired, got up and starting walking into the kitchen. Over all the noise from all the different talking circles of adults, you heard her yell "UNCLE BRIAN!" in a tone that was like "where are you going?" She had never said his name before. She wasn't much of a talker at age 2. Everyone went silent and we all stared at Uncle B as he froze. He dropped his head and turned around and went back to Rocking Horse Attendent duty. She continued her laughing and giggling and it was very cute. A month later was Christmas and Uncle B this time showered her with gifts. "And every since, you've had a special place in his heart."
So, that's the story that I have told Penelope upon her prompting many times over the years. Then, the other day out of the blue she says "You know... I'm the reason Uncle B had kids."
If only she knew..
I had to tell Uncle B. It was too precious. I told him when we went to dinner with our cousin. We all laughed. It's not that we don't love her, but before we really knew there was something more than just bad parenting, from our perspective as young idealistic non-parents, Penelope was the child that you saw throw a huge tantrum in a restaurant or store because they didn't get their way. She was loud and uncontrolled. I knew that not all kids were like that but Uncle B wasn't so sure.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Penelope's declaration
Penelope declared at therapy that she is never going to go back to Yuckworld. Too bad she has been in it pretty much since Monday. All her behaviors are in the name of "CONTROL." She has lied alot, tried to pick fights with me, not accepting no for an answer, sneaking contraband to camp, totally negative attitude. I know she is trying to cope and I do see an improvement in that from her last visit with her dad, but she is failing and her efforts cause so much anxiety for her, she starts to hyperventilate. I keep trying to cheer her on. But then I am also trying to figure out what else I can do to get her back on track. We are cleaning today. I can see she is getting stronger. But she is trying to dictate what she is and isn't going to do.
While Penelope was in with the one therapist, I met, as usual, with the other therapist to let her know about the visit and how Penelope was doing. I pretty much said the above things. But that I was very proud at her efforts to cope and that this time she actually admits her emotional termoil is due to her visit with her dad. Then her one therapist that does the neurofeedback "brain training" we call it came in after putting Penelope in a play room so the three of us could talk. She wanted us to know that Penelope's anxiety and trauma brain waves (she used more technical language) were very high. I explained again how she has been very hypervigilient sometimes to the point of having a hard time breathing/hyperventilating. But it's manageable. I don't want to call her psychiatrist for more meds. She needs to learn to self-regulate. When I told him of her anxiety levels after the last visit with George, he was concerned about the level of medication not being enough. I only want her medicated enough to function and be safe, not to be numb. One of the goals with the brain training is to help get her off some of her medication. But we have a ways with that. I know what she is like when she isn't on it and we have a ways. She wouldn't be able to go to school without it or get through the day without at least one or two meltdowns.
I told her attachment therapists that my biggest concern right now seeing how hard she is working to cope is how she will be the next time she sees her dad while she is in school. Last school year seemed like a waste of time from a Penelope progressing academically standpoint. I am excited and a little smug about having the school see how different she is going to be this year. I hope - without emotional bombs like seeing her father affecting her. There were a lot of negative reports about her. Issues I can see be in Penelope's past if things go well. But what is going to happen this year? Her lead therapist said that we need to continue to try to push off the next visit until October at the earliest. She'd like Penelope to have 6 good weeks of school before the next visit. I'm not sure how that's going to fly but I'm fine with it. I told her about going to George's therapy appointment 1 1/2 weeks ago. She was on vacation last week so she didn't hear about it. She said she was proud that I went, knowing it had to be hard, but now that the therapist has a better understanding should help it impacts Penelope and quit petitioning for more frequent visits. I told her how his therapist wants me to come to the next session. She doesn't think I should go any more than once every 6 - 8 visits. I've been on the fence about the next visit but I'm thinking I should go and kinda finish what we were talking about and then not go back for a while. There is more to be said to the therapist that she isn't aware of about things. I also want to make sure she truely has the opinion that more frequent visits are not the answer. It sounded like that but she was trying to be as general and non-committal about her opinion as she could be. I want to make sure she understands that we didn't just cut George off cold-turkey from visits. We tried the more structured, less time, visits after her first hospitalization before we cut it off after her second hospitalization. I also want her to know more about where Penelope has been and is at emotionally so she can understand her fragile state. She knows about the abuse now, but that's as far as we got.
While Penelope was in with the one therapist, I met, as usual, with the other therapist to let her know about the visit and how Penelope was doing. I pretty much said the above things. But that I was very proud at her efforts to cope and that this time she actually admits her emotional termoil is due to her visit with her dad. Then her one therapist that does the neurofeedback "brain training" we call it came in after putting Penelope in a play room so the three of us could talk. She wanted us to know that Penelope's anxiety and trauma brain waves (she used more technical language) were very high. I explained again how she has been very hypervigilient sometimes to the point of having a hard time breathing/hyperventilating. But it's manageable. I don't want to call her psychiatrist for more meds. She needs to learn to self-regulate. When I told him of her anxiety levels after the last visit with George, he was concerned about the level of medication not being enough. I only want her medicated enough to function and be safe, not to be numb. One of the goals with the brain training is to help get her off some of her medication. But we have a ways with that. I know what she is like when she isn't on it and we have a ways. She wouldn't be able to go to school without it or get through the day without at least one or two meltdowns.
I told her attachment therapists that my biggest concern right now seeing how hard she is working to cope is how she will be the next time she sees her dad while she is in school. Last school year seemed like a waste of time from a Penelope progressing academically standpoint. I am excited and a little smug about having the school see how different she is going to be this year. I hope - without emotional bombs like seeing her father affecting her. There were a lot of negative reports about her. Issues I can see be in Penelope's past if things go well. But what is going to happen this year? Her lead therapist said that we need to continue to try to push off the next visit until October at the earliest. She'd like Penelope to have 6 good weeks of school before the next visit. I'm not sure how that's going to fly but I'm fine with it. I told her about going to George's therapy appointment 1 1/2 weeks ago. She was on vacation last week so she didn't hear about it. She said she was proud that I went, knowing it had to be hard, but now that the therapist has a better understanding should help it impacts Penelope and quit petitioning for more frequent visits. I told her how his therapist wants me to come to the next session. She doesn't think I should go any more than once every 6 - 8 visits. I've been on the fence about the next visit but I'm thinking I should go and kinda finish what we were talking about and then not go back for a while. There is more to be said to the therapist that she isn't aware of about things. I also want to make sure she truely has the opinion that more frequent visits are not the answer. It sounded like that but she was trying to be as general and non-committal about her opinion as she could be. I want to make sure she understands that we didn't just cut George off cold-turkey from visits. We tried the more structured, less time, visits after her first hospitalization before we cut it off after her second hospitalization. I also want her to know more about where Penelope has been and is at emotionally so she can understand her fragile state. She knows about the abuse now, but that's as far as we got.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Harriet...
So Harriet text messaged me on Friday. I haven't heard from her in about 1 1/2 months. I thought it odd that she was text messaging me on the day of Penelope's visit with George. But I wanted to document our conversation. Her need to find excuses for herself just astonish me.
Harriet - How's Penelope doing?
Me - She is doing well. Probably the best she's ever been. I'm counting the # of days it stays this time b4 she regresses.
Harriet - I'm glad to hear that. I hope everything continues to go well. I hope she liked her birthday card and present.
Me - Did you get my email about that? I sent it to you and your mom.
Harriet - No. I haven't been able to get to the library. Ryan just got out of the hospital. I don't know if mom got hers. Dave just had a stroke.
Me - Wow sorry to hear that. I know she got it b/c she replied. Sorry to hear it. Thought you had phone access.
Harriet - I hope I can get things arranged with a therapist soon. I miss her so much. She's all I think about lately.
Me - What happened to the one you had?
Harriet - I have some difficulties, a fear actually of going downtown. It's one issue I have to work on.
Me - Maybe they can refer you to someone closer home.
Harriet - I'm going to get into the catholic social services in dehil. My phone won't access the internet.
Me - Okay. I hope that works better for you.
First, I did find out that her texting me coincides with her getting her monthly government assistance, so that could be why she is texting me now. But to me, it's really apparent how uncapable of coping with the littlest things she has become. I think it's a combination of that and her need to feel helpless. I know what it's like to look at a rather minor task and it be just too difficult to confront because of being depressed and overwelmed. But, this to me is rather extreme. I saw her walking on the sidewalk downtown with her husband, leaving the government building you go to regarding governement support. And that building isn't in a nice area. It's right across from the Courthouse. But she can't make it to an office building for therapy? But then, the therapist I was talking about was the last one I had heard about that was located about 10 minutes from her house near a suburban mall. She has brought up Catholic Social Services in the past, two therapists ago. I'm not saying she doesn't have a fear of downtown, but I do think she is avoiding it all big time. If she can't cope with going to the library to check her emails, or making a phone call to schedule a therapy appointment, or going when it's time, how is she going to be around Penelope? So not ready. Penelope is in no hurry to see her birth mom herself.
I wouldn't be surprised that her husband was in the hospital again. He ended up there a few months back for nearly dying from a staph infection. During his treatment they found that he had untreated diabetes. The diabetes was really bad. He has been very sick. The thing is - well, I can't relate to what she is going through with this. You would think "How horrible for you and your husband!" But see, Harriet only see's his illness as a huge burden for her and resents him for putting this on her. Before George stopped taking her phone calls, she would call him and complain about all that she had to do for him and wanted to move into George's house. She almost went on one of her disappearences that she had done to her husband, his mother, and Penelope so many times in the past. But from a more public standpoint, she thrives on the sympathy his illness gets her. I wouldn't know if he actually was in the hospital or not. The one time I talked to his mother (since they live in her house), he had to go to the hospital daily for an IV treatment. But I can see her also say he was in the hospital when he actually wasn't. She has said and done worse.
I don't know if her step-father had a stroke or not but I know that Harriet knows better than to think her mother still wouldn't have access to her emails. She runs her own business. So I feel confident to say that she was sympathy-seeking there.
Harriet - How's Penelope doing?
Me - She is doing well. Probably the best she's ever been. I'm counting the # of days it stays this time b4 she regresses.
Harriet - I'm glad to hear that. I hope everything continues to go well. I hope she liked her birthday card and present.
Me - Did you get my email about that? I sent it to you and your mom.
Harriet - No. I haven't been able to get to the library. Ryan just got out of the hospital. I don't know if mom got hers. Dave just had a stroke.
Me - Wow sorry to hear that. I know she got it b/c she replied. Sorry to hear it. Thought you had phone access.
Harriet - I hope I can get things arranged with a therapist soon. I miss her so much. She's all I think about lately.
Me - What happened to the one you had?
Harriet - I have some difficulties, a fear actually of going downtown. It's one issue I have to work on.
Me - Maybe they can refer you to someone closer home.
Harriet - I'm going to get into the catholic social services in dehil. My phone won't access the internet.
Me - Okay. I hope that works better for you.
First, I did find out that her texting me coincides with her getting her monthly government assistance, so that could be why she is texting me now. But to me, it's really apparent how uncapable of coping with the littlest things she has become. I think it's a combination of that and her need to feel helpless. I know what it's like to look at a rather minor task and it be just too difficult to confront because of being depressed and overwelmed. But, this to me is rather extreme. I saw her walking on the sidewalk downtown with her husband, leaving the government building you go to regarding governement support. And that building isn't in a nice area. It's right across from the Courthouse. But she can't make it to an office building for therapy? But then, the therapist I was talking about was the last one I had heard about that was located about 10 minutes from her house near a suburban mall. She has brought up Catholic Social Services in the past, two therapists ago. I'm not saying she doesn't have a fear of downtown, but I do think she is avoiding it all big time. If she can't cope with going to the library to check her emails, or making a phone call to schedule a therapy appointment, or going when it's time, how is she going to be around Penelope? So not ready. Penelope is in no hurry to see her birth mom herself.
I wouldn't be surprised that her husband was in the hospital again. He ended up there a few months back for nearly dying from a staph infection. During his treatment they found that he had untreated diabetes. The diabetes was really bad. He has been very sick. The thing is - well, I can't relate to what she is going through with this. You would think "How horrible for you and your husband!" But see, Harriet only see's his illness as a huge burden for her and resents him for putting this on her. Before George stopped taking her phone calls, she would call him and complain about all that she had to do for him and wanted to move into George's house. She almost went on one of her disappearences that she had done to her husband, his mother, and Penelope so many times in the past. But from a more public standpoint, she thrives on the sympathy his illness gets her. I wouldn't know if he actually was in the hospital or not. The one time I talked to his mother (since they live in her house), he had to go to the hospital daily for an IV treatment. But I can see her also say he was in the hospital when he actually wasn't. She has said and done worse.
I don't know if her step-father had a stroke or not but I know that Harriet knows better than to think her mother still wouldn't have access to her emails. She runs her own business. So I feel confident to say that she was sympathy-seeking there.
This week it will be a whole month in "Happyland"!!
Not that it hasn't had it's hiccups, but do we expect perfection from mentally healthy kids? I'd hope not! The whole throwing the tv remote hard enough at Grandma to leave a bruise (she bruises easily anyway) was totally not acceptable. But she has really worked through that well. She has been full of anxiety and depressed, clingy, sensitive, hyper-vigilent, but you can see her working hard at staying strong. She also has been winning the battle with herself to not need to be the boss. I think that is huge. I'm very proud of her. I think that alone, helps her stay in "Happyland." It's when she tries to be the boss that she totally is miserable.
She is looking forward to school this year. She isn't looking forward to school work as much but she has a positive outlook on it. I need a good month of school before I will be able to feel good about how she is going to do, although I have a good feeling about it. The two things that are going to be her biggest challenge is 1) mean kids/bullies, and 2) how she perceives her school work. She is still behind but is smart and with the right attitude, and support, will be able to surpass her goals.
She wants to join Chess Club again. She lost that priviledge of being a member last year when she decided to leave their weekly meeting halfway through, leave school property and walk to the library and call George, knowing she isn't allowed to talk or see him, tell him her Chess Club meeting had been cancelled and the school was all locked up and she'd been waiting outside for over an hour needing to be picked up. She was really testing all the adults in her life to see how much control of them she could be. But that was 7 months ago. She is so different from then. I told her we needed to see how school goes first, and when they start looking for members again, we would look at it then. But to know that the deciding factor is going to be if she is strong enough and has earned that priveledge.
I also talked to her about possibly being given the priviledge of walking to school this year. Again, she will have to demonstrate her strength and earn the responsibility. She really wanted to last year, but it was going to be over my dead body. I didn't throw that out there because she might have considered it! But almost all the kids in the community walk to school. It would be good excercise for her too. It's probably a mile walk. I would want her to have someone to walk with also.. positive peer pressure. Lots of options there. Like I said, everyone walks. Between 7:45 and 8:15am during the school year, the sidewalks are packed with kids and parents (of the primary school kids). But it will depend on who she is friends with that lives around us. There are a couple of kids I can think of but their friendships have been tarnished by Penelope's need to push away people that care about her. I need to make contact with her one friend's mom. Maybe see if she would like to have lunch or something sometime. They really care for Penelope but she has really done hurtful things to their son. I know that they will be friends again someday, and I know that his parents are openminded and compassionate people that see the good in Penelope. I will have to do that. It will be hard, but I do care about them too. I think it will be good for everyone.
This will be a good year I think.
She is looking forward to school this year. She isn't looking forward to school work as much but she has a positive outlook on it. I need a good month of school before I will be able to feel good about how she is going to do, although I have a good feeling about it. The two things that are going to be her biggest challenge is 1) mean kids/bullies, and 2) how she perceives her school work. She is still behind but is smart and with the right attitude, and support, will be able to surpass her goals.
She wants to join Chess Club again. She lost that priviledge of being a member last year when she decided to leave their weekly meeting halfway through, leave school property and walk to the library and call George, knowing she isn't allowed to talk or see him, tell him her Chess Club meeting had been cancelled and the school was all locked up and she'd been waiting outside for over an hour needing to be picked up. She was really testing all the adults in her life to see how much control of them she could be. But that was 7 months ago. She is so different from then. I told her we needed to see how school goes first, and when they start looking for members again, we would look at it then. But to know that the deciding factor is going to be if she is strong enough and has earned that priveledge.
I also talked to her about possibly being given the priviledge of walking to school this year. Again, she will have to demonstrate her strength and earn the responsibility. She really wanted to last year, but it was going to be over my dead body. I didn't throw that out there because she might have considered it! But almost all the kids in the community walk to school. It would be good excercise for her too. It's probably a mile walk. I would want her to have someone to walk with also.. positive peer pressure. Lots of options there. Like I said, everyone walks. Between 7:45 and 8:15am during the school year, the sidewalks are packed with kids and parents (of the primary school kids). But it will depend on who she is friends with that lives around us. There are a couple of kids I can think of but their friendships have been tarnished by Penelope's need to push away people that care about her. I need to make contact with her one friend's mom. Maybe see if she would like to have lunch or something sometime. They really care for Penelope but she has really done hurtful things to their son. I know that they will be friends again someday, and I know that his parents are openminded and compassionate people that see the good in Penelope. I will have to do that. It will be hard, but I do care about them too. I think it will be good for everyone.
This will be a good year I think.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The weekend
I've been keeping Penelope busy this weekend - since her visit with her father and her fit she had later that night against Grandma.
I spoke to my both my parents, separately, today about the event. My dad said that he went upstairs for a minute and all of a sudden he heard Penelope and my mom yelling at eachother. By the time he got there to find out what was going on, Penelope had already ran into the bathroom crying. It goes along with what Penelope said about my mom yelling at her. Unfortunately the mother isn't mature enough to admit that she yelled at Penelope, but I told her I know that it happened. She knows she "can't handle it" when it comes to Penelope. The things I tell her to do and how to approach Penelope, just are not things she is capable of. She admits it, but then when she talks about her relationship with Penelope like Penelope targets her for this behavior. "She would never have done it front of your father." She is right, but she thinks it's because she is George's mother. I told her "No, she doesn't see George as having done anything wrong so why would she look to blame anybody for how he turned out?" Obviously that is an internal issue my mother is having. But I was blunt and honest with her. I said "It's because she has done these "tests" and you have failed them. Like you said, you 'can't handle it.' And because of that, she doesn't feel safe with you. She feels like she can be the boss when it's just the two of you. That's why you can't be with just her for now." She looked a bit stunned, didn't question it, and may have been pissed about it, but it's the truth and if she wants to blame herself for anything, than it needs to be her selfish need to be the one to fix this her way instead of the right way. The way that obviously has been working for us so far.
Saturday, we scheduled some cleaning therapy. Boy O boy is my parents' bathroom filthy! I am madly in love with Mr. Clean Eraser Sponges but the gunk on the tile floor of their shower isn't budging. We tried soft scrub with two types of scrub brushes - nothing. But anyway! Penelope did some work but after about 30 minutes starting having complaints about her legs hurting her, her back hurting her, upset stomach, extreme fatigue. The ususal. I pushed her and got a little more out of her.. It was all good. I already knew from that morning that she was having a bit of anxiety from her visit. She said she was having a hard time breathing. Nothing major, not painful, but she could fill a different than normal. It is her anxiety! And the upset stomach, and fatigue. Not surprised. But she was coping very well.
Grandma was there. I had a short and to the point talk with Penelope about being mad at Grandma. I told her, it is understandable - her feelings were hurt. However, she is not allowed to be mean to her. I talk about having honest emotions - not bottle them up or deny them (I don't want her going from one extreme to another in this healing process) but that there are approapriate behaviors even when you want to act out. When we first got to the house, she avoided Grandma for the first few minutes - because she was afraid to accidentally be mean to her, as she explained later. But once she was able to let go of her anger, she was able to be social with Grandma. They both still need to apologize. I've told both of them that, but neither one has taken the step to do it.. yes, the 67 year old still hasn't taken the step. As my dad puts it, he has never seen her apologize to anyone in her life. To be so perfect!
Later that evening, we watched the 2nd Harry Potter movie. The 3 cats snuggled up with us all together. It's our family! I talk to her about our family being unique and include our cats, she loves to picture them that way. She will draw pictures of our family and it's the 5 of us. Very proud of her family.
Sunday, we went to church for the first time ever (except for Easter with my good brother). I've been meaning to find a church for us to go to.. The time for church has been marked off on Sundays on our Weekly Schedule for months, but I just couldn't bring myself to take her to any of the churches in our community. Penelope has a relationship with God that I never had. And I don't want to be the reason why she doesn't nurture that relationship. But I couldn't bring myself to take her to the Baptist church down the street, or the Presbyterian church she goes to tutoring at after school.. I've done the non-denominational thing before. We are not Catholic. George was baptised Catholic when he was 18 but hasn't stepped foot in a Catholic church since. His religious viewpoints became rather extreme - in certain ways and not others. Very hypocritical. Him and Harriet joined the KKK and within a year, he became the Grand Cyclopes of his geographical region. Did I know this, hell no. And one way I few the KKK is an Christian Extremist group. So far off base they feel off the platform. Just like Bin Laden and other religious extremists. So Penelope's religious beliefs are stemmed from certain ideologies I am totally against. I've told her that only God can judge and haven't allowed any predjudice or hateful type things to be uttered toward anyone. She has been around me long enough to be open to new ways of looking at the world and I think I have found the church with the right message.
Oddly enough, it's a church that was mentioned by an online friend and I liked what I heard. It's called Unitarian Universalist. So, after the last few weeks, I have did a little digging to learn more about it. I found it so refreshing and thought maybe this could be what I have been searching for on and off since I was in college. Coincidentally enough, I found a congregation that is 2 minutes from my home, and I pass multiple times a day. I just never knew what UU was or looked into it until it was mentioned by this friend.
So, we went today. Penelope was so excited about going to church! She has asked me several times over the last few months to go to church. She was excited and I was nervous. So we get there and talk to a couple people who were helping "visitors" out. We got name tags and went into the sanctuary. Penelope wanted to sit in the first row! I'm like.. "Well, okay.." But the kids all leave after the first 15 minutes to go to the educational program. I forgot about that. lol. So I sat up there all by myself. It was okay though. I'm just not one who does well in unfamiliar places. But, I observed what went on and I found it so refreshing of a change. No one was telling you that you are inherintly flawed and need to repent, or everyone is bad except for those in that room, or people "speaking in tongues" or doing the hands raised, eyes closed rocking back and forth filled with the spirit. This sermon was given by a long time member of the church who just got his BA in religious studies from a local Catholic university. It was interesting! He talked about the similiarities and differences of Catholisism and UU but also how he has grown a great respect for the Catholic religion. No bashing? None. We will be going back.
I spoke to my both my parents, separately, today about the event. My dad said that he went upstairs for a minute and all of a sudden he heard Penelope and my mom yelling at eachother. By the time he got there to find out what was going on, Penelope had already ran into the bathroom crying. It goes along with what Penelope said about my mom yelling at her. Unfortunately the mother isn't mature enough to admit that she yelled at Penelope, but I told her I know that it happened. She knows she "can't handle it" when it comes to Penelope. The things I tell her to do and how to approach Penelope, just are not things she is capable of. She admits it, but then when she talks about her relationship with Penelope like Penelope targets her for this behavior. "She would never have done it front of your father." She is right, but she thinks it's because she is George's mother. I told her "No, she doesn't see George as having done anything wrong so why would she look to blame anybody for how he turned out?" Obviously that is an internal issue my mother is having. But I was blunt and honest with her. I said "It's because she has done these "tests" and you have failed them. Like you said, you 'can't handle it.' And because of that, she doesn't feel safe with you. She feels like she can be the boss when it's just the two of you. That's why you can't be with just her for now." She looked a bit stunned, didn't question it, and may have been pissed about it, but it's the truth and if she wants to blame herself for anything, than it needs to be her selfish need to be the one to fix this her way instead of the right way. The way that obviously has been working for us so far.
Saturday, we scheduled some cleaning therapy. Boy O boy is my parents' bathroom filthy! I am madly in love with Mr. Clean Eraser Sponges but the gunk on the tile floor of their shower isn't budging. We tried soft scrub with two types of scrub brushes - nothing. But anyway! Penelope did some work but after about 30 minutes starting having complaints about her legs hurting her, her back hurting her, upset stomach, extreme fatigue. The ususal. I pushed her and got a little more out of her.. It was all good. I already knew from that morning that she was having a bit of anxiety from her visit. She said she was having a hard time breathing. Nothing major, not painful, but she could fill a different than normal. It is her anxiety! And the upset stomach, and fatigue. Not surprised. But she was coping very well.
Grandma was there. I had a short and to the point talk with Penelope about being mad at Grandma. I told her, it is understandable - her feelings were hurt. However, she is not allowed to be mean to her. I talk about having honest emotions - not bottle them up or deny them (I don't want her going from one extreme to another in this healing process) but that there are approapriate behaviors even when you want to act out. When we first got to the house, she avoided Grandma for the first few minutes - because she was afraid to accidentally be mean to her, as she explained later. But once she was able to let go of her anger, she was able to be social with Grandma. They both still need to apologize. I've told both of them that, but neither one has taken the step to do it.. yes, the 67 year old still hasn't taken the step. As my dad puts it, he has never seen her apologize to anyone in her life. To be so perfect!
Later that evening, we watched the 2nd Harry Potter movie. The 3 cats snuggled up with us all together. It's our family! I talk to her about our family being unique and include our cats, she loves to picture them that way. She will draw pictures of our family and it's the 5 of us. Very proud of her family.
Sunday, we went to church for the first time ever (except for Easter with my good brother). I've been meaning to find a church for us to go to.. The time for church has been marked off on Sundays on our Weekly Schedule for months, but I just couldn't bring myself to take her to any of the churches in our community. Penelope has a relationship with God that I never had. And I don't want to be the reason why she doesn't nurture that relationship. But I couldn't bring myself to take her to the Baptist church down the street, or the Presbyterian church she goes to tutoring at after school.. I've done the non-denominational thing before. We are not Catholic. George was baptised Catholic when he was 18 but hasn't stepped foot in a Catholic church since. His religious viewpoints became rather extreme - in certain ways and not others. Very hypocritical. Him and Harriet joined the KKK and within a year, he became the Grand Cyclopes of his geographical region. Did I know this, hell no. And one way I few the KKK is an Christian Extremist group. So far off base they feel off the platform. Just like Bin Laden and other religious extremists. So Penelope's religious beliefs are stemmed from certain ideologies I am totally against. I've told her that only God can judge and haven't allowed any predjudice or hateful type things to be uttered toward anyone. She has been around me long enough to be open to new ways of looking at the world and I think I have found the church with the right message.
Oddly enough, it's a church that was mentioned by an online friend and I liked what I heard. It's called Unitarian Universalist. So, after the last few weeks, I have did a little digging to learn more about it. I found it so refreshing and thought maybe this could be what I have been searching for on and off since I was in college. Coincidentally enough, I found a congregation that is 2 minutes from my home, and I pass multiple times a day. I just never knew what UU was or looked into it until it was mentioned by this friend.
So, we went today. Penelope was so excited about going to church! She has asked me several times over the last few months to go to church. She was excited and I was nervous. So we get there and talk to a couple people who were helping "visitors" out. We got name tags and went into the sanctuary. Penelope wanted to sit in the first row! I'm like.. "Well, okay.." But the kids all leave after the first 15 minutes to go to the educational program. I forgot about that. lol. So I sat up there all by myself. It was okay though. I'm just not one who does well in unfamiliar places. But, I observed what went on and I found it so refreshing of a change. No one was telling you that you are inherintly flawed and need to repent, or everyone is bad except for those in that room, or people "speaking in tongues" or doing the hands raised, eyes closed rocking back and forth filled with the spirit. This sermon was given by a long time member of the church who just got his BA in religious studies from a local Catholic university. It was interesting! He talked about the similiarities and differences of Catholisism and UU but also how he has grown a great respect for the Catholic religion. No bashing? None. We will be going back.
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