Penelope's IEP - Take Two

After the last meeting, that didn't go well, I took a few days break on this issue. I more or less just tried to think about it, how I was going to address it, while I did other things. We were pretty busy on the weekend because it was my dad's birthday and we cleaned the house - double duty trying to get the house clean AND get Penelope to clean.
I knew that from the last meeting, there was a little over a week before the Ohio Achievement Tests (OATs) were to start. I knew that was their reason for such a big rush - more for their benefit than Penelope's. I wanted to slow it down but I didn't want to be spiteful. I just want it to be right and slowing it all down made the people at the school stop to listen. The Tuesday following the Thursday meeting, I decided to call the Director of Special Services. It was more for political reasons than true curiosity. She was outside the situation enough to not know what I was doing, but also the person in charge of Special Education for the district so she should know how poorly this situation is going.
I asked her if she had any books or resources on how to write a behavioral goal for an IEP. She was very polite and asked for more information. I explained in a very general sense, how poorly the meeting went and it's been pretty much left to me. She continued to ask questions and we started brainstorming ideas. I said that these were the topics that I think should have been discussed but that Mrs. Carpenter feels that Penelope's emotional problems shouldn't be dealt with at school, that is what therapy is for (which explains why every time I meet with her, she always asks if Penelope is still in therapy). I explained that I disagreed, as the emotional problems need to be addressed because they impact Penelope's ability to learn, makes her sicker, and she brings that home and abuses me with it. Again, therapy for Penelope is 24/7, not the 1 hour per week we are meeting with the Attachment Therapists. The Director said she agrees with what I was saying but she also sees where Mrs. Carpenter is coming from. She says "You are both right." How political of an answer is that! So anyway, she decided to set up a meeting with herself, me and Mrs. Carpenter. I tried to see if she would rather have 6th grade Intervention Specialist there instead since she will be the one who really will be implementing it. I told her that I don't feel Mrs. Carpenter knows what Penelope's needs are, explaining some of the challenges I have had with her through the school year. She didn't say no but pretty much did but going back to Mrs. Carpenter. Fine, no one likes to step on toes over there.
The Director was in charge of scheduling this meeting and told me she wouldn't be getting back to me until probably Friday. However, she ended up calling me on Thursday saying that the reason the teachers wanted to push the IEP through was because they wanted to have the OATs read to Penelope as an accommodation. Right.. I offered to amend her 504 plan to have that in there. I had to show up the next day in order to do that so it was in there before the OATs began.
But the meeting was scheduled that following Thursday, for an hour (it took over two) as that was all the time Mrs. Carpenter had that week. I brought my dad for support, and I prepared two pages of typed notes that I handed out. I had gone line by line through the draft IEP and made notes on the changes. They were somewhat shocked with the amount of changes I wanted, but I explained it's not as bad as it looks at first. I typed out the sentences I wanted deleted as well as typed out what I think should replace them.
We started with the behavioral part, at the Director's suggestion - since it was the key issue. The goal "Needs" section that Mrs. Carpenter put in was "Penelope needs to start working immediately and stay on task. She needs to learn how to problem solve." 'Start work immediately'? what's that mean exactly? Do we put a timer on her desk to measure how quickly or slowly she starts working when the assignment is given? And where is the behavioral link to these issues? Obviously, as per the statute, the behavioral piece has to be tied to her academics, but what Mrs. Carpenter wrote didn't make sense to me. So I suggested "Penelope needs to become more independent in her work by staying focused and on task, learn how to problem solve, and acquire a 'menu' of strategies in order to remain engaged and complete work successfully. Penelope needs to develop appropriate coping skills when in stress-induced situations to develop appropriate responses and behaviors." I made a point that Penelope working independently "successfully" was the key. She has learned to deal with her emotions through coping skills and making good decisions but successfully meaning, resulting in a good grade. Nothing about good grades was listed. Just that she had to complete the assignments. I told them that we have had to push the concept of not just putting an answer down but the right answer down when doing assignements.
The Director went through each section of my goal and decided she liked it. Mrs. Carpenter begrudgingly acknowledged it would work and put it in there. We talked on how to implement that into the Benchmarks/Short-Term Objectives. They ended up being:
a) When given homework assignements daily, Penelope will complete assignments 3/4 times and turn them in to the teacher. (That was Mrs. Carpenters. I asked to have the 'turn them in to the teacher' part because Mrs. Carpenter did acknowledge that the issue of Penelope doing her assignments in general is in the past - so she has already met this objective. Was it suppose to be filler than? Set expectations low? Something she has always done with Penelope. 'Don't expect much from Penelope...' Anway.. don't like her!)
b) When given the directions to complete classroom assignments, Penelope will independently complete 3 out of 4 assignments daily with an 80% or above. (This was the key goal. This is the one that the Director and I spoke about the most. It really encompasses all the issues identified in her needs section.)
c) Molly will problem solve situations involving avoidance behaviors that arise at school 80% of the time. (This was actually written during the first IEP meeting by the recommendation of the 6th grade person. Mrs. Carpenter didn't like it because she felt it would waste valueable time doing something else. She didn't complain about leaving it in at the second meeting, especially when I showed the Director the problem solving grids that the 6th grade person gave me that would be used in this piece. She really liked it.)
The last piece that was changed on the behavioral goal is the list of accommodations. The original accommodations, which mostly just address her academic needs (relating to goals 1 & 2 - reading and writing respectively) didn't cut it for me when it came to the behavioral side, the accommodations that Mrs. Carpenter had been fighting me on from the get go. The accommodations they wanted to have in are:
Chunking (splitting work into chunks to give her breaks), extended time, read directions out loud, read test or passage out loud (we took this out of the 504 at the beginning of the year since she was caught up, but since she hasn't progressed this year with her reading level, we have to put it back in since she is, again, a year behind), small group setting, student will read test to adult, use of computer as needed, reduce assignments as needed (this was debated, because again, I don't want them to lower their expectations of her because she could feed right into that but I agreed to leave that in with the condition it will be an agreement between her teacher and I during a period that Penelope isn't coping well), calculator for mathematical process and applications (whatever - it was stated that math is getting to the point where it's about theory and calculators wouldn't help her anyway - good), homework check, safe place (this was there one and only behavioral accommodation on her 504 - pitiful isn't it?)
The ones I had added after some discussion:
natural and or logical consequences to avoidance and manipulative behavior, needs to be informed about any changes in daily schedule, nonverbal signal to leave room when noncompliant (also known as the Take A Hike Program - Nancy Thomas), access to a consisten safe place for calming (Strong Sitting - Nancy Thomas), set clear guidelines and expectations but no reminders, response to emails within two working days.
The thing they wouldn't put in - because they said it should be part of her behavior plan not her IEP, is that there is NO anger when disciplining Penelope. No lectures, warnings, bribes or second changes. Also, conditional positive reinforcement. "I see you... working hard." Not "You are such a hard worker." Doesn't go over the same way - makes them self-consious and practically sabotages the efforts. It's the low-self esteem. Just look at Nancy Thomas' website. It works! But anyway, I look forward to seeing this Behavioral Plan that I suspect Mrs. Carpenter has already forgotten about. She mentioned doing one at both IEP meetings but that's all that has been said.
After we got the behavioral piece done, I wanted to address what was written in the "Present Levels" part. Before that though, I asked them to change the "Discuss future planning. (Family and student prefereces and interests)" Before, Mrs. Carpenter wrote "The team includes Penelope's parent would like to see Penelope be confident and have a great year." My insider told me to change that and be more specific. That section really lays out the involvement and interest of the family to whomever reads the IEP. So I had it changed to "The team, including Penelope's parent and grandfather, would like to see Penelope be condifent and proud of her work, develop a love of reading, become an independent worker, develop strong interpersonal skills and friendships with other students, gain self-esteem, be able to set personal and academic goals, and eventually graduate high school and go to college."
The "Prensent Levels" section of my notes were the most overwelming to them. But it really addressed 3 different things.
1) What was stated about her present reading level and testing. Her testing was inconsistant so it is hard to determine what level she really is at - versus just stating she is at 2nd grade - 4th grade level. I had them add a note about successfully completing her 4th grade OATs as well as a reading assessment test that my Aunt gave her. The Director tried to say because it was a relative, it wasn't credible. The conversation got a bit heated and my dad through in the white towel - "It makes sense to leave in the 'second - forth grade' so the teachers know where she is at." But Mrs. Carpenter, I think, tired of the arguing, put a blurb about her end of 4th grade reading level assessment results in there.
2) The part that addressed her writing discussed an assignment given at the beginning of the year where the students had to write a memoir - and how poorly she did on it. I became emotional when discussing this piece. I said I wanted it taken completely out, because a) it happened at the beginning of the school year, but b) it was asking her to write a memoir. I discussed with her teacher during this assignment how difficult this might be for her - to ask Penelope to write about her past, especially where she was at coming right out of the hospital for the second time! They quickly agreed to remove it.
3) There wasn't much written about her behavior in the present level. I wanted them to add more specifics about her behavior and issues in school, somatization, hyperactiveity, manipulation etc. They referenced the part of her evaluation that I copied for the piece I wanted in her IEP. I think they were getting tired. That's fine, as long as it didn't have anything that would paint a picture for the incumbant team that they need to set their expecations low for Penelope, and I was happy with the needs, goals, benchmarks and accommodations, I went ahead and signed it.
I wasn't going to go into this much detail in this blog, but I know that I had a hard time finding any samples of IEP info for my RAD child while I was searching the internet, so maybe what I have may help someone who comes across this. I don't know if the IEP is good or bad, but it is there.. we will see in the next year. But I still go back to the school and it really depends if they live by it. I really don't think they did with the 504.
Also, I didn't put anything in here about her first two goals, reading and writing. I pretty much left that up to the school since that is their area of expertise. I made sure it made sense to me and I think the only change related to setting goals for "successful" grades.
In my research on IEP writing, there are a lot of different formats and methodologies. One method I thought made sense to me, is from http://concordspedpac.org/IEPGoals.html

"The goals should be what we expect of regular students. The IEP goals explains how your child gets from "here" to "there".

Reed Martin, tells that a goal should have 5 components:

1. The direction we want to go (increase or decrease)
2. the problem we are addressing
3. the present level
4. the amount of change, by the end of this IEP year
5. the methodology needed

To bring in Wrightslaw information and state and federal regulations, we are going to add a 6th components.

6. Measured by (standardized test)

Reed's Martin example
Johnny will:
(1) increase
(2) in-seat on-task behavior
(3) from 0% of the time currently to
(4) 50% of the time by the end of this year
(5) by training the teacher in positive behavior interventions that give reinforcement to in-seat, on task behavior
and do not unintentionally reinforce Johnny by giving attention to out of seat behavior.

When I discussed having a time or a methodology at the end of each goal (objective), I was told that wasn't the way they write objectives. To me it spells things out. But they don't like that because it ties them down and they said it would be hard to be flexable.

Harriet

I had to call Harriet. She called Sunday morning at 9am. She knows not to call when Penelope is home but she does it anyway. I've told her that Penelope might answer and that would be a bad thing - but she does it anyway. She wants Penelope to answer. Because see, Harriet sees herself as the victim, and I'm the evil villain who has taken her daughter away from her and brainwashed her into thinking that Harriet is a bad person. The key point of her perception/fantasy is that she is the victim.
It was 2 months ago, I think, that she said she was planning on setting an appointment with a therapist through her health insurance, since the "clinic" she was trying to get in with supposedly told her that her case isn't dire enough for them and turned her away. The last couple of weeks she had been calling George and complaining about the fact she can't see Penelope and how unfair it is. George told me that she threatened to get an attorney and that she told her case manager (of what - SSI?) and she also thinks it's unfair and Harriet should get an attorney. I'm curious what crap she told this case manager - obviously not the whole truth. She probably left out the fact she is suppose to go to therapy and that she use to lock Harriet in her room for hours as a toddler/baby. But then, you only see what I've written and maybe I'm leaving out a bunch of stuff or making this whole thing up. I'm sure I've left out things. Only God, Penelope and Harriet really know what happened between them. And George when it relates to George. Penelope's memory is complex and I'm sure she has left out things or has blocked them. But I certainly am not making up anything. I have my memory and my parent's memory and what we have been able to verify through other people or other forms of evidence.
Anyway, I called her Monday while Penelope was at tutors. I hadn't spoken to Harriet in about 5 weeks. She acted as fake as ever when she got on the phone. "Oh hi!!!! How is everything?? How is Penelope??" I told her she is doing much better. She had been doing very well and then she had a rough patch and she is coming out of that but overall a lot better I think. She is going "Oh.. good good... oh? okay, good.." whatever. Anyway, I told her about the IEP being finalized last Thursday finally. Then I told her that Penelope received her Easter Day card. She said "Oh good.." I said, "Yeah, well it really made her sad. Not because of the card. She has been okay with cards in the past, but what the card said." She got angry and said "What did it say that was so bad!?" I said "It said that you missed her so much. 'I miss you so much. I love you more than anything in the world.' Kids blame themselves and it puts a lot of guilt on her. She.." Harriet interrupted and said "I just wanted to tell her how I feel. To let her know that I haven't left her or don't think about her." I said "I know that but you have to think how that message is going to be received. It's not a good topic to discuss with her in a card." Harriet said "I guess I can't send her cards anymore then!" I said "No, it's just what you put in the cards that matters. Keep it upbeat. Like 'I hear great things about you. Keep up the good work!' Let her know you are supporting her during this time that she needs in order to heal and get stronger." She was quiet. Then she said "So I should keep it formal." Her tone was saying she meant 'keep it fake'. She started to say she had to go but I tried to ask question. She said "I'm sorry, go ahead?" I said "I wanted to ask you something about something I heard. Is it true that you have threatened to get an attorney?" She said "No. I got a letter about child support that said that I could request a hearing date but I already talked to George about that." I said, "So it isn't true that you have been calling George, like once or twice, in the middle of the night demanding to see Penelope and threatening to get an attorney?" She said "No!" I said, "Okay.. because George told me that you have called him and said you were thinking about getting an attorney, that you spoke to your case manager and she thought your situation wasn't fair and you should get an attorney." Harriet said, "I didn't say I was going to get an attorney, but I did say that I told my case manager about my situation and she said I should get an attorney." I paused biting my tongue. For her case manager to feel like that... anyway, I wasn't going to list off things that I was sure she failed to tell her case manager. I said "So then are you planning on getting an attorney?" She said "No." I said, "That's good. It would be really sad to think that you have that mindset. It would only hurt Penelope and all the work she has done and the work that I have tried to do for her if you did that. I'm glad you are not." She said "No, my plan is to stay out of her life!...for now... I got to go" Click... and she hung up. The last sentence she was crying. Well, she cried on and off throughout starting with me telling her what would have been better to write her in the card.
Since that was a short conversation, I still had about 40 minutes before I had to pick up Penelope from her tutors, so I called George to give him a heads up in case she called him. About 5 minutes into our conversation, Harriet started calling his phone. He didn't take either call she made.
I'm glad the phone call was over but I just hate talking to her. She is either so fake, or she pulls this "I'm the victim in this situation" crap that makes me just want to give her a piece of my mind.
She probably won't call me for a while... we will see I guess.

Ugh... Penelope is still stuck in a bad place

It's been two weeks now since Penelope has regressed back into some of her old ways. I will admit that it's not nearly as bad as it has been but I know that it probably wouldn't take much to put her back there right now. And my tolerance for her behavior is really low. I get short with her, which is counter productive.
Poor dad - he came over last night to help with homework but has been taking allergy medication that had him wiped out. He wanted to split, and I wanted to let him, but I told him if he leaves, she wasn't going to get her homework done. She was bouncing off the walls. I let him off the hook the day before but regretted it when I tried to help her with her homework. I was trying to check her math packet and any errors I tried to help her correct, she practically bit my head off. After the 3rd time of her mouth, I told her that I was done helping her - I thought she wanted my help but I'm mistaken. She only did the work that was due the next day (I think) and did work on any of her packets/projects that are due at the end of the week. She had a lot to do last night and she will have a lot to do tonight. But that will for my dad to deal with. I feel bad for him but we are in the together I guess. She doesn't seem to care that it puts her grandfather out, at least not during this last week. Before, she tried and thanked him for his help. Now she just does everything she can to procrastinate. It drives me crazy to see how she treats him.
Other things - the lying. She lies constantly! She was playing with the bracelet that showed up one day a few months ago. I wouldn't be surprised if she stole it - but I'd have no idea where to start in determining from whom. Anyway, the bracelet is a silver chain with little beads ever 1/2 inch or so. She wanted to say Grace before dinner and she started to explain that this is a bracelet she uses when she is praying - like a rosary. 1st - She isn't Catholic. 2nd - It's a bracelet. 3rd - Why does she think I'm going to buy this load of crap! We pray before meals somewhat frequently but this was different. It was fake and a bit dramatic. I ignored her since it lacked sincerity. But her lies are like that. They are total non-purposeful fabrications. She will try to tell me how something is made and she is so off-base it's ridiculous. Or she will tell me about something that she claims happened at school but again, it sounds so far-fetched it can't be true. Typical of RAD. Her purpose is to drive me crazy and it does.
I do think she has been stealing again. Not from me, but from school or someone at school. They had a book fair this week and I gave her $5 to spend at the book fair. She came home with what looked like $20 worth of stuff. I questioned her and she claimed a friend bought some of it for her. "Why would she do that?" "I don't know"
It takes telling her to do something at least 5 times before she actually does it. It's like trying to get a 5 year old to stay on task. It's almost anxiety - she gets so distracted so easily.
Not that I love to clean but she absolutely refused to do it this past weekend. Usually she will do it but she isn't happy about it. But this time she got angry and told me I'm mean. She finally admitted she thinks she shouldn't have to clean "because it's too hard." All I'm asking her to do is pick up her room and all the crap she was playing with in the living room. But you are not allowed to touch all her crap in the living room. If you move it to put it all in a basket, she will put it back where it was. But she said it's too hard physically. "Bending over hurts my back." She is 11 years old! I told her that was not a good thing. So since picking up stuff is too hard, than playing sports or running around outside is too hard too? She said it's not as hard. I said cleaning isn't as much fun. I told her I don't like to clean either but I do things to make it fun. I turn on some fun dance music and it helps the time go by and gives me more energy. She could care less.
Then of course there are the behaviors that are concerning me - why I think she is anxious. She isn't sleeping well again. She has been getting up and raiding the frig at night. During her pretend play, she has been having conversations with her parents. She wrote all over these post-its phrases her birth-mom used to say to her. Then she drew this cartoon of her dad "saving" her. She doesn't talk about her parents, but I know since the card that came at Easter, she has been thinking of them. It's heartbreaking. It makes me feel bad that I'm not tolerating her behavior better. I know it's her defenses. I get angry and I know I'm angry at her parents but I also get angry at Penelope for letting them get to her. I shouldn't be, but I do. I'm probably just mad I didn't protect her from it. I didn't get the mail that day. Usually I do. Usually she doesn't care about the mail, but with her new bad attitude - trying to be the boss, she had been trying to do more things that are really my responsibility. Telling me what her plans are, not asking if she could do something. Taking things that are not hers and using it. Getting the mail, which is non of her business. Disciplining the cats - which she isn't allowed to do. Telling me what she is going to have for dinner instead of asking what's for dinner. Very bossy.
Today we go to meet with the Attachment Therapists. We really need to address with her, her parents. She needs to get her head back in the game and stop agonizing over them. What coping skills can she learn to deal with her feelings about them?

Penelope's IEP

To get you caught up on what has been going on at school behind the scenes since my last post about school, I will just say that it has been it's only little soap opera. I met with the Principal a while ago and that went very well. However, he still to this day has not updated me on what has been done to resolve the issue.
Then about 2 1/2 weeks ago, there was a meeting of Penelope's "Team" to discuss the IEP Evaluation, one of the first steps in developing an IEP (Individualized (?) Education Plan). The evaluation came back with some very positive things to say about Penelope's abilities. The IQ test came back in the "average" range for her age and that the score may be on the low side since her test results - as usual - were not consistant. A lot of the test was progressive - so typically the tester would answer questions right until it became to hard. However, Penelope answered some of the easy questions wrong but nailed the hard problems. She tested at a 4th grade reading level but was slow and her writing was immature etc. It was concluded that her real issue is behavioral, not academic - not that we don't recognize that she is behind. That is what the school psychologist said specifically. The Director of Special Services, when heard comments about the DVD I had sent in, asked me what the techniques were that I had recommended. I ran through the list with her - consequences preferably natural/logical, no 2nd chances, no lecturing, no yelling or emotional disciplining, calling her out on lies, requiring evidence to support statements made etc. She said "Those are all pretty common sense things." My dad was there and talked about "Soup Kitchen" at home. He is so amazed by that. The nurse talked about a situation she had with Penelope after watching the DVD and how it worked and how she is going to use it with other kids. It seemed like a very successful meeting. I purposefully didn't ask about the DVD and if people were following it's techinques or not because we were there about the IEP and I was still hoping to have that discussion with the Principal. The only person who really had anything negative to say about Penelope was Mrs. Carpenter - the person who works with the IEP kids. She ran through her piece of the evaluation, which she brought with her to the meeting seperate from the packet. It went on about her low reading level (2nd grade). I really wasn't listening because that was just her piece, that was out of place from everyone elses. I did over hear her make a comment to the Director that she wanted to get the IEP done before the State Tests. I interrupted and asked why it was important, does it impact that State Tests? She said no, but that Penelope would get the services provided. Whatever, I knew there was a selfish reason based on the tone she had in her voice when she made the original comment.
Anyhow, the meeting was scheduled for 2 weeks out to develop the IEP. Two days before meeting, Mrs. Carpenter sent home with Penelope a draft IEP. It was horribly written. It didn't have any behavioral accommodations and it had a summary conclusion of the evaluation that was mostly narrative and then the test results from Mrs. Carpenter's testing that was from the beginning of the school year and 3 months ago that has Penelope reading at a 2nd grade level. But she put "reading at a 2nd - 4th grade reading level" to compensate for the other tests that were administered. 2nd - 4th grade?? I can listen to a kid read and give that accurate (or broad) of an assessment without administering an actual test. I was pissed.
I called my "mole" my "insider" to help me figure out what to do. I was ready to post-pone the meeting. I didn't feel like I had the energy to do this. To have this battle again. I felt like if I go I'm either going to yell the entire time, or cry the entire time. I was ready to tell whomever that I wanted Mrs. Carpenter off Penelope's "Team." I was so pissed. My dad came over and we worked on what questions we were going to ask and what we were going to at the meeting. And than later that night, my guardian angel, my favorite person in the world called me back, and talked me off my ledge. She was pissed about it too. She told me exactly what I needed to do and didn't need to do. She never told me to not kick Carpenter off the team but explained the pros and cons to an extent. We really didn't know what they were. But I was fearful enough about the unknown to know that I shouldn't do it. I told her I wouldn't. But she made me promise not to sign anything. That wasn't a problem.
The IEP meeting did not go well. The two people I really wanted to be there from the school, the school psychologist and the Director of Special Services were not at the meeting. Carpenter was running this train wreck. This was different than what my insider told me would happen - because it wasn't normal. We are not sure why they weren't there. I did ask and Carpenter acted like I was asking a crazy question. She said it wasn't the way it worked, that they are only present during the evaluation period but are not apart of the IEP. Didn't make sense. I remember that they were listed as part of the meeting on the invite I returned, and they also were part of the discussion at the last meeting as to when to schedule this one. I debated if we should go any further because I felt like that was a bad sign and this was going to be a huge waste of time - but I stayed and listened. My dad was there of course, and he told me he was going to let me lead and do all the talking... which was different than where we were at 24 hours earlier. After my conversation with my best friend, I was ready. Carpenter started to read through a new draft of the one that she sent home two days prior. This one had a behavioral goal attached but it was so generic and the accommodations were exactly the same as the acedemic goals - "extra time taking tests.." all wrong. But before she was halfway through reviewing it outload, she passed a copy to Penelope's two (of the 4 that were present at the last meeting) teachers to have them sign the last page. I interrupted and told them that was pointless because I wasn't signing it. They all three looked at me shocked and Carpenter said that they needed me to sign it because they needed to implement it "today." I said "She still has her 504." She said "No...." and then looked at her other teachers. I said "It's good for a year and we renewed it at the beginning of the year." Then she tried to say it wasn't renewed.. whatever. I am so sick of her! I told her that was what we did at the first meeting when I met her. She finally backed down. But we argued over reading levels - of course. I finally just told her I wasn't signing it if it said 2nd grade on it. That was another promise I made to my special friend. We went over the behavioral piece she had put together and I told her I wanted it to be specific. By this time the person who works with IEP kids in the 6th grade was there. She asked specific questioned and seemed to understand and agree to the things I was saying. However, Mrs. Carpenter said that the emotional "stuff" that Penelope has "alot of" is outside of what they do at school - that is what therapy is for. I told her she had to look at it differently than traditional therapy. Her therapy is in the way her environment is 24/7. When we go to therapy, it's really to check in - to get advice and things like that. Her therapy is at home and at school. I reiterated that if she doesn't have the right environment at school, she comes home and wants the same kind of power at home that she has been allowed to have at school. She lies, tries to manipulate etc. You will never reach the academic goals without implementing behavioral accommodations too. It's more important. You will not have one without the other.
Anyway, there is a lot more that happened at the meeting but those were the big pieces. I just feel like she doesn't care what anyone else has to say, even though she is the only one saying something different. I can't wait until the end of the school year so we can move on.
But I still have the IEP draft and will be revising it.. when I have time. :) I will soon though. I'm doing my research.

Not too fast

Without reading it, my memory is telling me that my last post was pretty depressing. I was having a really rough day. Like I told Penelope's Attachment Therapists a couple weeks ago, I have been having a hard time enjoying Penelope's success in controlling her behavior and temper because I feel like it's just a matter of time. Her ups and downs are brutal to tolerate. If I ride along for the ups, I'm afraid it will make me ride along on the downs and I just don't know if I can survive any more downs. I'm sure I will - day by day. But it's just so extremely hard. I sometimes think she is in a healthier place than I am. Like I'm the person who has jumped in the pool and saved the person who is drowning, but in the effort that saves them, I end up drowning instead.
Anyway, I concluded the reason that I was so depressed was because I had started to see some of those old symptoms poking their head out - that we were on our way back down. She had been off for Spring Break and just started back into school. Maybe it's something that happened at school or she just had "too much happiness" as it's been called in the past and really was fighting having to adjust back to doing things she doesn't like, like going to school. She stole some money and lied about it, she became argumentative again not wanting to do anything she was suppose to. She starting saying things that she use to say like "I don't want to school." "I just want to have fun, why can't I just have fun?!?" Nothing horrible, by tell-tale signs of her sinking back into an unhappy place and making the irrational decision that these were the things that were going to make her happy. The concern is how deep is she going to fall back into this hole - start trying to hurt me again, run away, become dangerous?
Then Harriet sent her an Easter card in the mail and Penelope intercepted it before I got a chance to see it. Harriet didn't asked if she could send her a card or even gave me the heads up. She has always asked in the past. If Penelope was in a better place emotionally I might have been okay with that card. But I knew that she wasn't in a good place and feared it was going to make things worse. And it did.
Plus Harriet wrote on the card "I miss you so much. I love you more than anything in the world!" This pissed me off. You might think "What is so wrong with that? Should she miss her? Shouldn't she tell her that she loves her more than anything?" But see, this isn't a normal situation. This is a woman who neglected and emotionally and physically abused her daughter. She didn't beat her, but through her neglect, Penelope has endured untreated illness, rashes from being unclean, malnourished, and been burnt by a iron hot space heater. Her scheduled visits with her were extremely sporadic. There were always excuses. Little ones like car problems, no gas, flat tires to she was raped so she can't make it. And then when she did show, her visits were shorten because she has to go home and make dinner for her husband, or she has to return rented videos. And then to say "I miss you. I love you more than anything?" But this time she says it in the context that she isn't allowed to see Penelope. This was determined by the treating psychiatrist at the hospital when Penelope wanted to kill herself after Harriet missed a scheduled visit because she "moved" out of town to live with friends and didn't have a car. But then ended up moving back a week later but never called to reschedule her visit with her daughter. But of course, because it's what kids do, Penelope is going to blame herself as to why she doesn't get to see Harriet. So Harriet saying "I miss you" is a means to make Penelope feel guilty. Harriet may disagree and say "I didn't mean to make her feel bad." But then, my question is, if you didn't mean to make her feel bad - then why haven't you made any effort to see your daughter? And when I say that I mean within the requirements laid out in the formal letter the treating psychiatrist wrote banning her visits? Harriet is to seek therapy to help her learn to not continue the abusive behavior towards Penelope and when the therapist feels Harriet is ready, and when Penelope is also ready, they would be reintroduced in a therapeutic setting.
It's been about 6 months since this requirement. It's been almost 8 months since Harriet has seen Penelope. But she hasn't done what she is suppose to do. So how does she have the right??
George told me that Harriet has called him twice 2 or 3 in the morning crying that this isn't fair she can't see her daughter and trying to get George to be upset about it too. But he claims he has pushed it back on her. I know she wrote that card out of her frustration because the things she has written in the past weren't in such a hurtful way. She even wrote Penelope an apology letter - but now, it's all different.
So Penelope get's this card and I asked her how she felt about getting the card. She says "It's okay, it doesn't hurt my feelings." Which was an odd statement to say when, on the surface, it was meant to be a loving card. But the rest of the week she was very sad and talked about Harriet and George a lot. She was mad at George for not sending a card. "He never sends me anything." I tried to explain that love is not about gifts and words but about actions. She was having a hard time sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night and find her sleeping with a bunch of pillows and blankets at the foot of my bed. At the next therapy session she admitted that she had been thinking about her mom and dad a lot and it made her sad. Basically she was thinking about how her life sucks because she doesn't get to see her parents and that her parents aren't the people they should have been. She was trying to in her head relive her life the way she wished it had been - which is not a good place to be.
The next couple of days were still along the same line. Very argumentative, and very visably depressed. I found these post-its that she had put all over the fireplace tiles that she said "I was playing a game!" but they were covered with things Harriet use to say to her. "I love you" "I will come back soon." "My baby girl." "I miss you." "I love you." Heartbreaking.
Then last night, she couldn't sleep so she made a cartoon where her dad was a super hero with a cape and everything. And this super-daddy saves her. Just not a good place to be. She needs to understand that her dad isn't going to make her happy. She loves him and misses him and because of their unhealthy relationship, she thinks he is going to make her happy. She forgets how miserable she was with him. I had a long talk with George yesterday and told him that the therapists think he needs to go to therapy to figure out and resolve his own self-image issues that causes him to use Penelope as his surrogate wife. I believe I've said this before but they feel his relationship with Penelope has been emotionally incestuous. It's exactly what it is and what has always had me creeped out about their relationship, I just couldn't put my finger on it. It was like a light bulb going off when they said that. So if he can figure out how to not put that burden on Penelope - to make it so she is the one who takes care of him, who he tells all his problems too and they have a true father-daughter relationship, then that will help her as well. This unhealthy/selfish relationship he has had with his daughter has caused her guilt and unhappiness because she feels responsible for his happiness. And she can't make him happy. I told him, "She still to this day would sacrifice all her work and happiness to make you happy. Do you really want that for your daughter?" He agreed no. He said that he thinks he needs therapy too because he has been having a hard time not seeing her. He can't be around kids, he can't watch kids on TV. He goes over his friends house and they have girls and they climb on him and he has a hard time with that. He started to get teary-eyed about it. I asked him how it made him feel. He said "I feel sad.. and guilty." I said "Guilty for what?" He said he feels guilty having fun with them instead of Penelope. That wasn't the answer I was looking for or expected. I was trying to see if he feels guilty for his part in Penelope's abuse. I feel like he can't get to a place he should be until he accepts responsibility. But this answer to me seemed more like he felt guilty for cheating. That's how I interpret it anyhow. Which goes into that unhealthy relationship. Kids do that, where they don't want to "replace" mom or dad with step-moms or dads. But as an adult, being around other kids do you feel like you are cheating? It doesn't make sense to me. But he seems to be willing to do whatever. I hope he sees that what we are doing with Penelope is working and, even though he struggles with the fact that part of her healing process is to stay away from him, that it is the right thing to do.
I told him that the biggest reason for me for him to get this help in order to have a healthy relationship with her, is that it will directly affect the kind of relationships she will have with boys and men when she becomes an adult. In a lot of ways, daughters marry their fathers. Does he want her to marry someone who yells at her all the time, makes her fetch and clean after him, doesn't let her have an opinion? Does he want her to take this type of treatment and feel like she would give up her happiness for theirs? My other fear is that she will look for this inappropriate love and the first person that gives her the time of day will knock her up and she will be another teen pregnancy statistic. He hates when I bring that up because he hates the idea of Penelope having sex. As most fathers do, but I think that incestuous mentality makes it more so than normal. A father should want his daughter to get married and have children.
But overall I think that Penelope's period of being down isn't as severe as it could have been which is a good sign overall. It could have been worse. She could have started to get paranoid again about her mother coming to kill her. Not that I haven't seen little signs of that, it's not something she talks about and obsesses about. She hasn't said that she wants to go live with George like she use to. She still seems to be understanding that she is with me, and seems to want to be here - which is a great sign that she has attached to me! It has to start somewhere. We just need to pull her out of this regression. I think this week we are going to have to address how she is viewing her parents, at least her dad. I really don't like how she has been idolizing him lately.

Perfectionism

The last three weeks have been decent for a change. Penelope has made big efforts to do what she needs to do to be happier - letting go of being in control, reining in her anger when she feels herself getting out of control, and just overall letting love in her heart. I've been trying to let myself enjoy these good moments. But I'm always skeptical of it's seemingly temporary existence. We go to attachment therapy each week these last three and report "good behavior." I make a point, to be as factual as possible, the good and the bad, but her attachment therapists make a point to graze over the the bad and focus on the good. There is good reason for that, she is making great progress. I have to watch my perfection-istic side of me and try to be practical. I can't expect this little girl to all of a sudden be normal.. be healthy. I just want it so bad for her.. and for me.
This whole last year has taken such a mental... and physical too..toll on me. And really before that, but it was about a year ago, come the end of this month when the pandora's box of Penelope's heart cracked wide open ending her in the hospital. It was such a long time ago in the way my mind perceives time since everyday has been different - laying out a new strategic plan each day to get us that much closer to conquering this "enemy." I've always said to myself or maybe once to someone who listens, that I feel like everyday I prepare to go to battle by putting on some invisible body of armor with a big shield. I have to be strategic (political) in my battle plan because if I come too direct, I will lose the things I need to survive. And I need to survive for Penelope to survive. That might sound pretty arrogant but I feel like I'm the only one who can do this for her. I'm the only one who is "perfection-istic" and as uncompromising (as I can seem to tolerate) enough to give her a real chance at a sense of normalcy.
But it's not just her and I in this battle. If it wasn't for my dad, I don't know where we would be. He will once in a while join the battle but mostly, he's the person who provides support - not emotional but in other ways. And it wasn't like that until this last year. Between Penelope's dad and my mom, and that part of him that is the opposite of my perfectionism, his support wavered a lot.
George and Harriet are her parents, and obviously see things differently than I do. Especially Harriet - I'm not really sure how she see things except that she is the victim in this whole thing. I can't stand talking to her even though she has been good about keeping it completely fake and cordual. George seems to get it but he never will entirely. He just is following the rules so he can try to get back into Penelope's life someday. Plus he is my brother and we try to get along, but whenever he brings up the past, we typically fight and I get all hatred again.
My other brother is my "comic relief" even though he's more serious than he was when we were younger, but if it wasn't for his family and the normalcy I get when I'm around them, I would be much more a mess than I am now. He tries to be Switzerland as much as possible which is probably best. He looks at George's situations, putting himself in his shoes as a father and sympathizes even though he holds him just as accountable as I do. I have zero tolerance for sympathy towards George.
Mom adores Penelope of course and only wants what is best for her. But she always seems to have a her own agenda. Maybe not knowingly - but in a selfish way. "Don't tell your dad about that - it makes him sad." or "He's not able to handle that kid of news, let me tell him" but then she wouldn't. Maybe she was worried about how he felt about things but it seemed like she wanted to be the savior - which isn't something she can be here. She gets jealous of the relationship Penelope has with her grandpa. Penelope has never felt the same way towards her. She showers her with gifts to try to buy her love, but as I predicted, it only fuels Penelope's ability to manipulate her which of course causes Penelope to lose respect for her - inevitiably making it impossible for grandma to help her heal.
And it's not like I didn't tell her that it's counterproductive, but it's just part of who she is. The parts of parenting style that are counterproductive are not bad per se. They just don't work for Penelope. Lecturing as a punishment ALWAYS worked for me. I hated HATED being lectured so it detered me from doing things that would make her mad. Penelope hates the lectures too but it just makes her see her grandma as another person that isn't as smart as her. I tell my mom to stop, but she is compelled to - like if she doesn't say something than it will seem like she doesn't care - or maybe that maybe this one time, she can be the one to fix this one problem. It doesn't happen.
She tries to be my emotional support.. and once in a while she was able to do that but more often then not, our conversations were more devastating than not. Either being pre-occupied by this "other agenda" that always hurt me, or along the same line actually - but try to tell me how Penelope is and what I should do about it. I'll give you an example. During this current good period, and I was even in a relatively good place, she calls me and tells me how alien Penelope is. She used the word "alien" relating it to the way she was before she went into the hospital. My defenses went up, too late to be personally hurt, but enough time to tell her that Penelope is in a better place than she has been since the day she was born. That her illness has been there from the beginning of when her mother wanted to abort her, to when her father allowed her to be neglected by her mother - all the way until now. She is happier than she has ever been. But it showed me that she still doesn't truley see George's role in her illness. She fights it constantly.
George is her son, and there are some unresolved issues she has with her own guilt over how George turned out. She will never admit to how much she defends him - to this day. I know she has also had some pretty harsh conversations with him about his actions and responsibility. But there are always excuses, and sometimes when she gets in a really dark place, she try to take blame herself. Sometimes I think if she wants me to hate her too, I can do that. But I don't want to hate anyone - but I do. I hate George, and I hate Harriet, and sometimes I hate my mom, and sometimes I hate one of Penelope's teachers.. and sometimes I hate Penelope. Sometimes I just want to get to a point in the day that she is either at school, or in bed, or whatever the schedule dictates, but not around me. I miss my single-dom. I miss my personal path. I didn't want kids, not yet. Even though I adore the kids in my family. I always imaged myself being the best Aunt ever. I would satisfy my maternal needs through the time I spent with my nieces and nephew while I avoided the responsibilities of being a parent so I could focus on things that were more important to me. But then Penelope's parents dropped the ball. And now she is the most important thing to me. The last thing I ever wanted. And you can't just flip that switch. It took time.. I saw my personal goals and life crumble away as Penelope became my one and only thing that gets me out of bed.
My mom calls me the "fixer" and I hate it. She reminds me that I have always tried to fix things, people problems or situations. I don't disagree that I have a pull to help or take on responsibility to achieve a goal. I always enjoyed solving problems. I'm very analytical. And that part of me probably drew me to take on the enormous responsibility of Penelope. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Not that people didn't say, but they didn't know the extent either. But even in my deepest darkest moments, I would have still made the same decision. At this point, I'm just trying to survive it.
I'm at a point where I need to start picking myself up off the ground. I know that I am clinically depressed, probably Secondary PTSD, as I understand RAD Moms are prone to be. I know that somehow I make it through, pulling strength from who the heck knows where to do what I have been somehow able to do. I've only cried in front of Penelope maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year but I cry every day. Even today when she is doing as well as she is. I'm having a hard time letting my guard down to be happy enough to be enthusiastic for her. Sometimes it gets through but I tend to rein it in or she does something a little off to put the guard back up. I'm afraid that if I don't, the next time she goes through a bad period, it will hurt so much that I will be even more depressed - and I've been in that really dark place that I don't want to ever go again.
I am so glad she is better though. It's like this horrible book I had to read in school, it was some old classic that I really wish I could remember the name.. where it rained the entire book and it was so emotional and the rain was linked to the emotioned and it seemed like the person went crazy from the rain being constant and that sometimes it would rain harder than other times and then it would let up a bit. I feel like the rain has let up.. let me breathe a little. It's hard to keep the charade up around Penelope that I am not miserable. Especially when she is going through a rough patch. I instinctively want to run or yell at her. And both of those would be devistating to her. I have to have the opposite reaction. I have to look at her with love in my eyes and tell her I love her and hug her. I know I love her but selfishly at those moments, I can't. When she hits me and tells me how horrible I am, I have to hate her for it. But I can't let her know that. I have to be strategic and tell her I love her. Because I'm battling against her disorder ... her mental disease. And the only weapon that works against it is love. You can feel it retreat out of her stiff body after you tell her about your love, after it has consumed her and caused a fight. We haven't had one of those since early February. She hasn't told me she doesn't trust me or love me in such a long time. That's when it rains really heavy.
Talking about rain, I think the weather helps too. It snowed today.. If I can break through my personal weather problem, and get out into the physical sun, It might help clear things up. Because times are getting better. I need to have faith it that.