For the past few weeks, Penelope has been really having a hard time dealing with her anxiety and emotions that were all stirred up from her visitation with George. She doesn't realize it's because of George - or at least is in denial of it, because she wants to believe that seeing George makes her happy. It doesn't of course. It's just like scratching at a itchy bug bite which always feels good but than as soon as you stop it itches worse and worse, get's really red and swollen and maybe even bleed. Okay.. I've been dealing with my own bug bites that have been keeping me up at night, but I think it's a good analogy. She wants to see him again, so she tries to act good, but her "happiness" isn't real so it only makes things worse.
Then her focus went on to her birthday and the events celebrating it. She helped me set up for the party so she was doing very good there and I was sure to give her lots of praises. When she got a much bigger and more expensive present from her one friend, versus the other, she handled it like a pro giving each present equal billing - dishing out lots of hugs for wonderful gifts. She has so much love to give! It's awesome to see her when she is feeling truly happy and loved and content.
The only thing left regarding her birthday is to give her the cards with the money/gift cards from her birth parents and maternal grandmother. I wanted to get this over on Sunday. Now it's Wednesday. I told my mom that I was giving the cards to her today so that she can processes her feelings before therapy tomorrow evening. She wasn't happy about that but understands. I went ahead and told Penelope that she has cards from these people but I'm just waiting for one so I can give them to her all at the same time. I wanted to make sure she knew that they sent something so she wouldn't think otherwise - which she would and not speak of it - just start acting out from it. Also, it was kind of babysteps to giving her the cards because I know it will draw up some emotional feelings. But I'm already seeing the anxiety. Plus she always has a hard processing the emotions from having new things. For example, when the school or after school tutor program would give out reward toys to the kids, Penelope would play with them regardless if the time, location, manner etc. she was playing with them were inappropriate - so it always became an object of contention. Heck, last week, Laurie so kindly gave Penelope a bicycle helmet and a camper's flashlight to her for her birthday at the end of their tutor session. Of course Penelope loved her gifts but insisted on putting the batteries in the flashlight standing there in the driveway, and refused to take off the helmet and wanted to sleep in it. I told her I wasn't going to start reading to her (our nightly ritual) until the helmet came off, even though I was still going to bed at bedtime.
So now she has money burning a hole in her pocket and this money is from "these" people so it creates this high level of anxiety that she isn't dealing well with. Wasn't expecting that.
Then yesterday we went to visit Papaw, but he wasn't home but Grandma insisted on taking us to dinner. Penelope was very anxious and Grandma always makes her anxiousness worse. My tolerance was low - and I felt like I was going to pass out. Do you ever have that? Where, even though you had a good night's sleep that prior night, really didn't do anything during the day that would cause you to be tired but then have like a sudden onset of wanting to literally passout? Anyway, that's just a side item. Probably just my body trying to demand rest from the past week of running around like crazy.
Anyway, my mom kept bringing up George... then Penelope started picking on Grandma, then Grandma got really pissed and tried to tell Penelope how wonderful she feels she is (Grandma, not Penelope). I tried to change the subject but Grandma kept redirecting. So I was like "Check please?" She obviously wasn't having a good day and it was a big mistake to stop by.
So this morning Penelope was a bear to get ready for Camp. She didn't want to get up, she didn't want to take a shower, and she didn't want to take her pills. Ususally I would just send her back to bed and tell her she wasn't going to Camp today after a morning like that, but I had a lunch appointment with a friend who runs a company. After my conversation with my dad, I really didn't want to miss that time. However, she ended up rescheduling with me anyway, having her own crisis. :( I just don't know how I'm going to be able to manage a job with her mood swings!
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