One full week of Happyland

So Penelope has officially had one full week of Happyland. She hasn't been there since before Easter. She had three weeks then. She calls them "the three weeks I was happy" which is funny in it's own absurd way. But it's true. She received an Easter card from Harriet. I wasn't expecting it and she intercepted it before I did. I wrote about it then, but the issue had to do with what she wrote in the card and how it made Penelope feel. They were meant to be innocent I guess but to tell Penelope that you miss her so much and love her more than anything in the whole world can be emotionally devistating when you have abused the child since birth and have made no effort to do what is required in order to see her. If I had found the card first, I wouldn't have given it to her. Harriet knew that and that was why there was so much secrecy about it. She even made a point to underline her first name on the card to point out the difference between something mailed to me versus her.
She did something similar around Christmas. She had bought Penelope a bunch of classics at the Half Price Book Store. Wrapped them separately. In there she wrapped a book like journal and wrote a note to her inside it. "My Dearest Penelope, I know things are very difficult for you right now. I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. I wish I could take back all that has happened. Unfortunetly, we can't go back in time. So, all I can pray for now, is that life becomes easier for you. I once heard, that it's always darkest before the dawn. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you with all my heart & soul, Mommy. "
Maybe I'm too bitter to see it in any other way than as her toeing a line that she will not cross. She never apologizes... until the last sentence where she hopes she will forgive her. But she doesn't say for what. Not that she should in this way but it just wasn't the best way to go about this to begin with. Plus she never told me she had put that in there. I don't know what compelled me to trust her and not pre-open all the presents.
But Penelope opened her birthday cards from her grandmother and birth mother. She read the cards outloud. Acknowledged that her grandmother's husband signed the card too, which has never happened before. She pocketed the Toys R Us gift cards her mom had sent. She tried to pocket the check her grandmother had sent but I took it from her so I can deposit it. She spent a good 5 minutes reading every bit of writing, including the address and phone number and bank info on the check. It had her phone number on it as well. That was concerning. Sarah isn't on board, obviously from the post with the email info on it, and I couldn't trust her to be good on the phone so there was no way she was going to talk to her. I think that might have been the plan with keeping the check. But she was good about handing it over.
We went and spent the money at Toys R Us and she was really good about it. Really checking prices and figuring out how much she can spend and get the most for her dollar. If she wasn't in a healthy place she would have been behind anxiety stricken and stuck not being able to buy much because she would have wanted everything she touched. She did get a little mouthy with me and I said "What's this? Are you upset about the cards??" She reined it in.. "No.. I don't think so.. Now you are making me worry..." I laughed and said, "It's up to you how you let those cards affect you." She did good. We had a good evening.

Therapy yesterday was really good too. I knew she was strong enough to discuss her video. I started preping her for the topic by pumping her up by telling her how I've seen how strong she is getting - citing examples from her slumber party and other times. She admitted she has been feeling happy. When she was in full agreement and full of pride, I said "I know you are strong enough to tell about your video.." She said "Yeah.... wait, video???" I ignored her and said "I know that they would not judge you or think less of you at all, and actually they would probably be just as proud as I would be to see how courageous you are to discuss it with them. Very proud.." She cringed a little and said "What if you told them?" I said "I can do that but you would still need to talk about it with them.. to process it." She agreed. Yeah!!!
She did talk a little bit about it. She answered their questions and they reassured her that they do not think less of her and still care about her very much. I don't think she was fully honest with her answers but the ATs handled it without making it an issue, understanding how difficult it was for her. She was so excited and anxious when we left, she felt so better getting it off her chest.
I did ask them at the end of our session when we should set up the next visitation with George. I really don't care if we don't have it for a long time. I want Penelope to enjoy her visit in Happyland for as long as possible. They agreed and said she shouldn't see him more than once before school starts back up. If we have it too soon, than he will want to see her again right before school starts, but we want to have it far enough away from school that she has time to recover. So it will be the beginning of August.
I called my dad and told him. He said he was going to be pissed but that will be his problem. Exactly! I told the ATs how I still don't have his present, because he is holding out on when he will get to see her again.. because he thinks its soon. .. how he feels like every Wednesday that comes up, he should get to see her and plans it that way. How he feels that as soon as she has "talked about" her video, she should be ready to see him. Her one AT said that his thinking is very "concrete" and he isn't taking into consideration her emotions. It's just very selfish and self serving. No kidding.
Got love both her parents.. geesh.

Anyway, her existance in Happyland waivered a little today but that's kinda normal. She is doing so well right now though. I'm very proud of her. I know this was probably inappropriate but I try to make light of her RAD diagnosis with her so she doesn't feel inferior. She knows that she is different.. with the medications and therapy, how she feels and how she sticks out from most of the other kids. We were talking about her medication and sleeping at her friends house. I told her she needed to be good about her medication "You don't want to ruin your friendship, do you?" This is a friendship she has ruined in the past and really really regrets it. She said "Oh no no." I said "Then you need to make sure you take your medication tonight on time. I don't want you to act the way you did . She knows what I mean.. she said "I can't think of the word to describe how I act... What is it?..crazy?.. " I said "Coo coo... Coo coo for cocoa puffs!" She was like "Mom!" and we laughed.. I corrected myself and told her it reminds me of the squirrel in the movie Over the Hedge, very hyper. She liked that.. But she knows she isn't "all right in the head" and I tell her that I honestly don't think anyone is.. but we are working on it!