Things were going so well.....

Things were going pretty well this evening. I had my evening out, and I didn't get any phone calls. I knew that my parents were taking Penelope to a movie after the visitation with George. I wanted to get to their house before they did, but I was probably 10 minutes later to arrive then they were. In that 10 minutes, Papaw went to bed and my mom got into with Penelope.
When I showed up, I walked in the door. My mom was sitting in the living room and yelled towards.. where ever to let Penelope know that I had arrived. Her tone was angry but I didn't pick up on the fact there was something wrong until I heard Penelope. Her voice sounded like she'd was crying, and she was in the bathroom with the door shut. She was like "MOM!!!" relieved I was there. I started walking towards her and in the process, I asked my mom what was going on. She, still sitting there watching tv, but obviously all pissed off, said "She didn't want to change the channel when I told her to change it and tossed the remote to me and it hit me in the arm. So I threw it back at her.... and she ran to the bathroom." That's all I really got. I knew what went down. She yelled at her, I could hear the hesitation in her story to me that she knew she did something she shouldn't have - but she wouldn't admit it. I just said "Thanks a lot Mom." She said "That's right, it's always my fault." No.. but she is the freaking adult here. I've told her I don't know how many times, you can't yell at Penelope. She should have turned off the tv, and said something "I understand, you don't want to watch tv right now." and moved on. Not acceptable behavior. But throwing the remote back? GEESH!
And of course, she just saw her dad, so she is emotionally raw. She is trying not to be, but let's be realisitic and not get pissed at her for acting out after seeing her father!
So, I continue towards the bathroom. I find her, with all her things, backpack, journal, gym shoes all... on the floor in the bathroom, face red, sobbing. "I need you Mommy! I want to go home!" Not a problem. My mom didn't even get up from the couch to console her, let her wallow in her misery. What the hell? She is a sick young girl who needs help in regulating her emotions. And then, I got mad at my dad for letting the two alone with eacher.. but then I should kick myself for not getting there sooner. But, do you know how long it's been since I've gone out? Seriously.. before Christmas. And I was done by 9:00.
I asked where Papaw was when it went down. She said he had gone to bed, but she heard him yell at Grandma. I'm glad but I wish Penelope didn't hear it.
I didn't side with Penelope, but said that they were both wrong in what happened. But we are not going to think about it tonight. We are going to go home, take our medicine and read for a while. She was very clingy. She wanted to sleep in my room.. she gave me I don't know how many hugs and kisses, needed her back rubbed.. wanted the door open. I gave her everything she wanted except to sleep in my room or the door to be left open. I got the batteries that I bought for a great price in the mail and they work great. - her door alarm. Tonight, the alarm is on!
It took a bit to get her to calm down, but she did good.
Tomorrow we are suppose to go clean at Papaw's. I'm thinking Grandma is going to be there so I'm going to have to talk to Penelope about that before we get there. I did tell her she needs to apologize to Grandma for hitting her with the remote, regardless if she says it was an accident.
What the heck am I going to do about this lady? Obviously, absolutely no one on one with Penelope. And even being around her in general may be too risky. I talked to my mom earlier in the day and seemed fine and then this. It's too unpredicatable. And unacceptable.

Big Day..

We have a lot going on today. 1st, and foremost, due to my ERROR in knowledge as to when school starts, I have decided to move up Penelope's visit with George. I want her to have as much time to process her emotions, act out, regress, whatever.. and get through it, before school starts.

So today is the day.

She doesn't know, but my dad wants me to tell her so we don't the issue that happened last time - which is, that she thought I didn't know and she was going to get in trouble for the entire visit until she asked my dad once George left. She had asked George, during a 30 second period of alone time, and his response was that he didn't think I knew. The issue was, she called me Mom, and George doesn't consider me her mom and assume she was talking about Harriet. So Penelope was worried the entire visit. But the purpose of not telling her is that her anxiety while waiting will skyrocket, and more importantly, if he doesn't show or is late - that would have horrible repercussions. Both her birth parents have timeliness issues, which only threw fuel on the fire when it came to Penelope's distrust of their love. It became a way she would measure their love for her. Especially Harriet. But with her fundamentally distrusting mindset, it's just really hard on her. And George was 20 minutes late last time - which is baffling to me since he hadn't seen her since the fall. He wasn't even upset or sorry. He felt it shouldn't be a problem since our dad told him that his 1 hour starts when he arrives - so it shouldn't matter when he shows up. But he'd been bitching about not seeing her and how he NEEDS to see her.. and he's 20 minutes late? Baffling..
So, I'm going to tell her on the way and talk about ways to keep herself calm until he arrives. There will probably be about an hour between when she gets there and he arrives but I'm not going to tell her that. If I put a time on his arrival, and he is late, then .. so I'm just going to tell her not right away but soon.. well, I'm still thinking about that. She is going to be a mess once I tell her. Maybe I can figure something else out... maybe call? I just called my dad and told him to have George call me when he is 10 minutes out. I can then call Penelope and have the talk with her and then a few short minutes later George will arrive. He thinks it's overboard but again - he doesn't understand the emotional side of this. But he's willing to play along with my dramatic demands. Ugh.
So we have that going on, then they are going to take her to see a move - just Grandma and Papaw. George only gets an hour.
While they are doing their thing, I'm meeting up with my other brother, his wife, kids, and a cousin who we haven't seen in years and her husband and son, who we haven't met. My nephew and her son are about the same age and have the same name. How coincidental, huh? So, we are doing all of that, tonight.
In prepartion of the the backlash of the visit, I have planned with Penelope some cleaning therapy for tomorrow at Papaw's. They have a bathroom that is worthy of Architectural Digest.. okay, maybe some local magazine, but it is super nice. It's almost allllll tile. It has one of those open showers that like 5 people could stand in, that steps right into this big Jacuzzi that's the size of a small pool. Anyway, the whole room needs some cleaning! I told Penelope we were going to surprise Papaw, as a "Thank You" for all that he does for us. She is excited about doing it! Now that she is in Happyland... we will see how she feels tomorrow, but it will challenge her and give her gratification and make her stronger by doing it. I also set up a bribe for her.. she found this expensive toys in a catalog that came in the mail. It's these little dolls for $12 a piece. I told her if she worked hard at staying strong and be in Happyland until school starts, I'd get them for her. Their expensive for what they are, but $24 dollars is worth it if she uses them to motivate her through this tough period. She just doesn't know that it is going to be tough.. not until tonight.
Now off to get ready for tonight. I plucked the unibrow and will have to figure out what to do about my overgrown deadend hair.. I feel like a mess on the inside and out.. and now I'm going to see family and they are going to think "Dang!" from the last time I've seen her, but I can't care about that anymore. It's like so much lower on my totem pole of worries right now. I'm just going to try to let all that go and have fun, and remember I can't control any of that and just make the best of it.

Isn't this suppose to be about Penelope?

Let me update this blog to talk about where Penelope is with her healing. It's been 15 months since she was diagnosed. It's been 8 months since we started Attachment Therapy.

She is doing well at Camp. She told me today she made two more friends. I know that her one friend, Becky, was there today and she was happy. She doesn't like to swimming unless Becky is there. I'm not sure why except I know she is having some self-image issues. What young girl doesn't? But she had packed on a few pounds this past year. She is growing though and I know that will help her feel better.

It took a few weeks to get her on board with summer tutoring but she is ready pretty much every day and is reading a book that is a 5.9 reading level - which translates to the end of 5th grade level. At the beginning (and end) of the school year, she was reading at a reading level that was around mid 4th grade. A swear a lot of her issues are effort and perceived helplessness. Her teacher wanted me to think she read at a 2nd to 3rd grade reading level. NO. But she carries her book with her everywhere she goes and reads when she has time. I think that's great!

Today was garbage day so last night I had asked her to take a garbage bag to the can. After she went outside, I thought "Shoot. I wish I told her to take it to the curb.. Now she is going to get all huffy when she comes in and I send her back out." I had mentioned that it was garbage day. When she came back in she said "I went ahead and dragged the can to the curb." Holy crap, she did! She used to refuse to touch the garbage cans!

I think overall her attitude and mood is much better. She is more of a tween now. She doesn't babytalk or anything like that. She does like to play with little kids toys but overall, she is acting more mature and calm. It's all good. She is excited that school is starting in 3 weeks. I hope it goes well for her. I know she has friends, but there are still the bullies that she will have to cope with. I'm curious who her teachers are going to be. Hopefully they are more open-minded than the ones last year. I'm excited for her. A 6th grader!

Guest Speaker at George's Therapy Appointment

So yesterday morning I attended George's therapy appointment. I was anxious but I think I got to a point where I let go of being nervous and worried about it. I was hyper vigilant, or "on guard" and was ready to have this appointment.
I still really didn't know why I was there. The contrived reason was to help my brother and I work on our "communication skills" but I knew that was just the crust on this crispy critter. I suspected that they wanted to talk me into their perspective on visitations with Penelope. I hoped that the therapist was professional enough to understand that she may not have the whole story and would be willing to learn. I knew, just because it's his MO, that George was going to be defensive and probably embarrassed by some of the things I was going to say. I didn't want to go in with a tattle-tale approach to it, but I was going to honest. I also knew that 45 minutes wasn't going to be long enough to go into too much detail, and I am a detail person - if you haven't already picked up on that from previous posts. Actually, I've decided to keep it pretty brief - in comparison. I started writing it all out, but it's just too hard to rehash.
Basically, the 45 minutes consisted of 2 questions by the therapist. Her motive was to see where I am with the blaming of things. To pick out if I had a legitimate reason to prevent George from seeing Penelope. The first being, "What has led to Penelope's illness?" I explained the abuse that Harriet inflicted on Penelope that caused Penelope's RAD. George smugly agreed in a "see, not my fault" way, interjecting his two cents on what a rotten mother Harriet was. The second question, which I swear took 5 minutes to ask because of the mulit-layered "ness" of it. Kind of reminded me of an essay test you'd get in college - asking the question but spelling out what points to touch on and from what perspectives to consider. She wanted me to understand that both her and George feel that Penelope would cope better with seeing George if it was more frequent, that they would be able to rebuild their relationship since the reason Penelope must have a hard time coping is because she hasn't seen him in so long. But also to consider how important it is for George to see his daughter, that the reasons should be significant because it's a big deal for him to not see her. But she basically wanted to know why George isn't able to see Penelope since he isn't the one who caused the RAD.
I first told her that I needed to explain some things before I answer her question. That George's needs are not my priority. He is a 42 year old grown man. My priority is Penelope. That I've have explained the answer to this question to George on multiple occasions, and so has our parents, and Penelope's therapists. He dismisses any explanation of what is going on with Penelope that interferes with his ability to see her on a regular basis. So here we are and I am going to explain it, again. The other thing is the reason we do not talk right now is because I have learned that I can only surround myself with people who are supportive to what Penelope and I are going through because I don't have the patience or strength to deal with much more than that.
I went into the explanation. Of course, George interrupted and was hugely defensive on every point I had, barely letting me talk. After a few times, I told him that I didn't come here to be attacked and I'm trying to answer her question. I can just as easily leave. I told her that the things that I'm describing are things that I've either witnessed myself, one of my parents have shared when we were collaboratively trying to piece together Penelope's history for her therapists or he himself has told me. And he knows this, but doesn't want to hear it, obviously. I talked about how his bad decisions, which created an inconsistant, unsafe evironment for her was making things worse and as a family, we decided to have me persue guardianship. I cited specific examples which is what he tried to argue over. I brought up a couple that I'm pretty sure he didn't want his therapist to know about. The KKK and mail-ordered bride/mommy from Russia. He didn't know I knew about the later, and I could tell he was pissed. It speaks to his character.
He defended his decision over wanting to reconcile with Debbie, even though she also abused Penelope. He, again flip flopped on the facts regarding her.. because again he claims she didn't abuse Penelope. He will admit that Debbie yelled and screamed at Penelope - but that's not abusive since a kid is substandard and has no emotions or feelings. But when it came to physical abuse "She told me she only hit her twice with the wooden spoon." Oh, yes, the woman who took all your paychecks, never paid your bills, just hers, took out credit cards in your name, never paid on them and hid the bills.. who made up that huge lie to get rid of Penelope and told her it was her fault.. "She was going to a therapist about that." He said "So the words 'For better or worse' mean nothing? 'Til death do us part?'" "YES" I just was floored how he thinks he puts Penelope first but states his marriage vows as evidence to his need to save his marriage even though Penelope was being abused.
But I had cited many examples and George said "But I don't do those things now, do I?! I've changed haven't I?!" I said that it was still all apart of what has built his relationship with Penelope. I said, of all the things, one of the worst for me is the whole thing about Penelope sleeping in George's bed up until I took her in. How I instinctly knew that was wrong but I couldn't explain it. George did his defensive interruption thing and tried to explain himself. How he tried to make her sleep in her room, but then in the same breath he would say how he knew she needed to be near him because of being abandoned by her mother. He talked about how right after Harriet left, Penelope was always scared he was going to leave to. I told him, I agree with him as to why she wanted to be in his bed, but the problem is he happened up until she was 8 years old and came to live with me. The safe, consistant, and secure environment was never created in order for her not to be constantly keeping an eye on dad.. always needing to make him happy so he won't leave to.. because "Mom left because of me" thinking. And the yelling, the changing of caretakers, the way that Penelope was never first. He said "She did that with you too!" I said "Yeah, sure, in the beginning. It took a week or so to get her to stay the entire night in her bed. Then their would be storms, and I would let her crawl in, but as soon as the storm was over, I walked her back to her room. Now she sleeps in her room when there is a storm." I told the therapist that even when he lived in my house, when he was home, they spent the entire time in bed. They ate in his bed, watched tv in his bed, and sleep in his bed if he could get away with it. I told her how I knew in my heart that she had been sexually abused. I knew her relationship with her dad creeped me out and I suspected him but she never said anything and I never witnessed anything, but I knew something had happened to her. I never wanted to leave them home together. It drove me crazy. But I would once in a while force myself to go do something to get away from the house. One night I stayed out as late as I could tolerate, about 11pm and when I got home, Penelope wasn't in her bed. I went to his room and she was sleeping in his bed. I said "Why is she in your bed?!" He knew how I felt about that. He rolled over and said "Penelope, go to bed." She got up and I was walking her to her room. She said "But when do I get dinner?" I went to ask him if it was true she hadn't eaten dinner. He said "She knows where the food is, if she was hungry she should have got something to eat." Of course, again, George denies every saying that saying "I always fed Penelope dinner." No you didn't.
The therapist asked me why I thought she was sexually abused. I told her she seemed very sexualized. A few months after I got guardianship of her.. She was 8 years old, in 2nd grade, she had a crush on a boy at school. She told me how she had a dream of having sex with him. She wanted to know what would happen to her if she had sex with him. Like she was contimplating whether or not she was going to. The theapist asked me like twice "She was 8 years old?" I said we have pretty much know who did it, at least the story has come out who did it - a boy out where they use to live. She asked if she still acts sexualized. I said "Oh yes. The last time was the evening of the day she got to see her dad." And I went into her whole video masterbation sequence in very graphic detail. Okay, for shock value. This therapist looked appalled. Good! But he obviously didn't tell her about that either. Of course not, it didn't serve the greater good. He needs her to be on his side to help him manipulate his way into seeing Penelope.
During the session, she pointed out, because of one of the arguments George and I had, that George has an issue with the fact that he can't control the situation. He wanted me to do everything his way, even though there was nothing wrong with the way I did it. I told her "I am not going to look at everything I'm doing at think 'I wonder what George would want me to do?' If anything, like I said, I disagreed with his decisions so it would be the last thing I would do."
I pointed out to her that the reason we "can't talk" is because he disagrees with everything I'm doing for Penelope because it keeps her away from him. There are huge trust issues between us. I don't trust him because, I've learned in my 33 years that any time I do, I regret it.. and he doesn't trust that I can take care of Penelope. Or at least, he doesn't want me to because it doesn't go with his goals of seeing her. If he would just accept the process for what it is, he actually could be happier. But it's about him. This whole thing with visitations.. no one tells him that he is going to see her on a particular day but he gets it in his mind then has a huge fit when it doesn't happen.
Then George went into this whole thing about what he was told how often he'd get to see her and how he was suppose to see her by now.. He went into this whole thing wanting to know when and how often and definites. I told him I don't have definites. He insisted on answers. Finally I said "I am not going to tell you "Yes" because if I do, and something happens and you can't see her, you will flip out and say 'But you said!' I'm not doing it!" He kept going on about it and I said "With all this that you have said and tried to get from me, not one time did you say anything about Penelope. This is about her." His therapist nodded in agreement.
At the end of the appointment, his therapist said that that she has a better understanding and it was very informative. Told George how they were going to work on some changes to the way he perceives what is going on.. and basically, just was looking at George like this is his issue, not a matter of him having to deal with an unjust situation.
She wants me to go to their next session in two weeks. I told her I would think about it and let her know. She thinks in this forum we can get things out and help the situation. If there is honestly a chance (as I cringe at the thought of having hope) that he will accept what is being said and allow me, and my dad and Penelope to keep doing what I'm doing without him constantly disrupting or trying to manipulate us, then it is good. However, I really just don't see it.
I talked to my mom today and I guess George called her last night and complained about the appointment yesterday. She is pretty breaten up over it. She screamed and yelled at him and eventually hung up. She doesn't handle being a part of this battle at all and it really takes it toll on her, and then on anyone around her. I'm not going to go to these sessions if he is going to call my parents and make it more difficult for them. But I'm not going to just look for an excuse to not go. So, I will just see how it goes for the next two weeks. I will make a point to say something about that in the next session if I go. He has to knock that off.
I talked to my dad also. He hasn't heard from George - but I think George makes a point to limit his bitch-sessions with him because my dad doesn't have qualms about putting him in his place. And he tried to say it's not a big deal that he calls and complains. I know it is though.

Lastly, off subject. Cell Batteries at Amazon.com for alarms on doors and windows are super cheap!!!!! I just ordered 100 batteries - I use 4 at a time on the Penelope's door alarm. It cost $8.99 with free shipping!

Migraines...

Migraines... it's like a hangover but without the benefit of getting drunk. You are sick as a dog, sweats, can't move, light is too bright, you can smell EVERYTHING, your brain feels like a muscle that has a charlie horse.. you just want it to be massaged. You need a brain massage.. but the wrong move, or smell... well, it makes you vomit. You need to sleep but you are hurt. You are so nauseous that you pray for yourself to throw up. Penelope is an expert at making herself throw up. I am not, however I'm getting better. Because I can smell EVERYTHING, I have learned that I become somewhat of a germaphobe when I get a migraine. No matter how clean my bathroom is, I can still smell stinky smells. The water is metallic smelling. The shower curtain has a mildewy wet smell. I bet that toilet seat has germs on it. That's usually enough to do it for me. But psyching myself into it is usually my last resort - I hate it.. hate it hate it. But it also means I've had worse migraines. This one lasted about 10 hours.
But I got it.. totally disabled me. Besides the one I had less than a week ago, I haven't had a migraine in months. I know it's stress induced. I hate that! You would think with all the crap I've dealt with, I'd be dead by now from my head exploding. But it's really when I'm not coping well when it happens. If I can have my feelings out, have my emotional breakdown or whatever I need, I've processed it fine. It's when I've bottled it up or pretended it didn't exist, that the pressure builds. So I've had my second one.
I know in my heart it is about the therapy session with George on Monday. I'm really starting to dread it. I woke up around 5:30 - a storm was rolling through. I was fine. Around 6:30 I fell back asleep and woke up around 8:30 with a raging migraine. Thank goodness Penelope was doing well or I don't know what I would have done. Thank goodness it was Saturday. I knew my parents had a golf tournement but with the rain, I tried them anyway. No luck. Then I called my twin brother - in the slight chance he could help me with Penelope today. No answer.
Penelope was great help while I was trying to figure out what to do about my migraine. She figured out breakfast for herself, took her meds. Didn't try to take advantage of me in anyway. When I asked for help, she didn't moan about it. I asked her to make me a slice of toast, plain and a glass of water. She did it and was great about it. She did get accusatory when she found the slice of toast, minus a small bite mark, in the middle of the hallway. I told her I took the bite but it made my stomach turn, but I put it on the nightstand. One of the cats decided to try to run off with it I guess. lol. She accepted that - cats are funny when they are bad, mommies are not I guess.
Uncle B called around 11am and after talking it over with his wife, he actually agreed to take Penelope off my hands! I didn't want her to have to take care of me, and I wasn't going to relax and get better knowing that I couldn't keep an eye on her. I swear, my migraine eased up markably the moment she went out the house. Felt a little guilt for that one.
I ended up going to pick her up at his house around 6pm. He invited us for dinner, which was good since I hadn't eaten in 24 hours. Felt good enough to drive there, I was sure I should be able to eat. Hung out for a couple of hours and she seemed content there. No mopeyness that I noticed. I think her cousins got on her nerves a little bit, but they love her unconditionally and want to include her in everything.
I asked how things went to both Uncle B and Auntie - separately. Not on purpose, just worked out that way. Auntie said that she was perfectly fine. No problems except for when the kids were playing outside, Penelope kept wanting to turn the outside faucet on. Auntie could hear it turn on from the kitchen where she was watching them. Penelope said she was filling up the dog bowl, but then when Auntie checked after the next time it went on and noticed the patio was all wet, totally busted her. Auntie said "No more turning on the faucet. You lied to me about filling the dogs bowl so no more." She said Penelope said "Okay.." Then a few minutes later, came in and sat down at the kitchen table and just did nothing for a while - looking sad. She was concerned about the way she handled her. I said that she was fine. Penelope is scared of Auntie a little bit. She has a very strong persona about her. Hard to read, so I can totally get how she is intimidated. When I asked Uncle B the first time, he said "She was okay" but I could hear something behind what he was saying. So I asked again... same answer. I said "Good, because I told her not to beg for things when you took her with you to the store. She has a problem with that, but I really thought she could handle it with you." He said "Oh, that rule didn't stick.. we ended up buying her a calendar.." Okay, he said it cost $3 so no big deal. But it sounded like a bigger deal for him. But I apologized and said I thought she would have done better. He said, it was okay... like she hadn't. Later, I thanked him again and asked him if he notices her improvements. He said "Yeah, sorta. She was just really annoying today." Okay.. how? "She is a know-it-all. Knows everything." I jokingly said "She is her father's daughter.." but confirmed what he meant is something she has done for years with me until I squashed it. If you say that something took 4 minutes to do, she would say "No, more like 3 1/2 minutes." Any type of measurement - time, level of fun/tastiness/severe of injury.. she will do this. Sometimes she will tell you how something is made or some totally made up fact about something. When you tell her that's not true or ask her where she learned it, she just continues to lie. Her all encompassing "evidence" of her truth is that "Daddy said so." Daddy knows everything... So, for lunch, Uncle B took the fam to Chic-fil-a or whatever it's called. Never been there. Penelope didn't like their fries. Told Uncle B that Burger King's fries are much better. He said "I personally like these better but everyone has their tastes." She said "No. It's a lot healthier for you. Less calories." . She tried that one on me a couple of days ago out of the blue while watching a McDonald commercial. I just said "Never heard that but okay." See, Daddy told her that.
I told him she was baiting him. Not to get caught up in it. It goes away. But it must have drove him crazy. She won that little control battle. But I think if that is all that happened, all is okay.
My concern is that I felt very grateful, even allowed myself hopeful that maybe Uncle B could be someone I can put on the support list. Maybe he has seen that there is no need to be scared of her. Heck, they let their little almost 3 year old around their other cousin who I swear is RAD in a much worse way and she got her neck pinched hard enough it left a dark purple bruise by the older cousin. But, I am not sure that will be the case.. maybe she was too annoying. But then maybe he is too easily annoyed to be effective with her.

Things are going fine with Penelope.. but when do I get to be in Happyland?

So I'm not feeling invisible anymore. That must have been for just a couple of days. Feeling good about Penelope feeling good, feeling not alone on my RAD island, and having high hopes of about going back to work. But, just like Penelope, my good days came to an end. I need to work on myself more - I know that. I've known that. But I allow my mind to talk myself out of it. "Why waste yourtime on yourself when Penelope is going to do something that is going to put you back into your hole again..." "You need all your energy for Penelope." and even sometimes "You don't deserve it... you make too many mistakes and you are killing your dad. He has a bad heart, getting old, and he can't deal with your problems. You need to be stronger..." Sounds pretty pitiful. Too much guilt. Need to snap out of it! I'm a planner and analytical and need to just DO something.
We spent Monday night at my parents' house. They were happy to have us. I woke up Tuesday with a splitting migraine. I blamed it from sleeping on the couch - I gave Penelope the guest bed (Bed Hog). But I'm sure it's a combination of that, and the conversation I had with George. My mother told me that she was scared George was going to kill himself after my conversation with him. My dad went over to his house and spent the afternoon with him working in his yard. She didn't say it accusatory, like I did anything wrong. Which I still don't think I did. Of course I don't want George to kill himself. That would totally devastate Penelope. I'm sure I would be upset too. Last year we had a scare with him - thought he had a stroke. I totally surprised myself by how upset I was. Still hate him, but he is my brother. But anyway, I didn't feel guilty for him feeling that way. I just think it is an inappropriate reaction to knowing it's going to be a little longer before he sees Penelope again. He needs help. And seeing Penelope isn't the "help" that he needs. That would just be a band aid that would hurt Penelope too. But I also think it's supports the fact that his relationship to her is also inappropriate. I'm not trying to downplay his love for her or how painful it must be not to see his daughter. But his selfishness is making him crazy. He is obsessed.
Yesterday I talked to one of Penelope's therapists and told her about the upcoming appointment with George and his therapist as well as my conversation with him. She didn't have an opinion one way or the other on going to the session with him but we talked a lot about what George's issue is with Penelope. She feels that he is obsessed and even though he sees women as less than him, he puts the control in their hands. I had a hard time wrapping my head around that. Because he does think women are generally stupid. Not that he has ever made an effort to surround himself with smarter women, so I think he prefers to be the "smartest" one himself. I guess Penelope controlled him, in that as long as she never accepted "No" and he caved. But he was so bossy with her, yelling at her for every. little. thing... but he never followed up to ensure his commands were being completed. I don't know. I guess it's possible. I just don't get it.. even with the emotional incest thing. I don't get how totally obsessed he is. I told her I "googled" the term. She laughed and said she just came up with it to describe their relationship. I said "There are people out there that teach and talk about this type of 'abuse'." They talk about how rampant it is in our society with the whole Daddy's Princess stuff, but that also the "abusers" rarely ever change because this relationship they have with their child is so wrapped up in their identity, and if they stopped, they feel like their world is going to fall apart. That sounds like George, even though I'm not so sure how much credence I put in that it's "abuse." I guess it depends on the degree. It talked about how allowing your child to comfort you when you are sad is abusive. I think that as long as there are clear lines of who's job it is to make a parent happy - not the child's, then everything is okay. With Penelope, the issue is that she has learned that it is her responsibility to make her dad happy and she is dealing with her own demons and it only makes her sicker to have that burden too. And it totally jepordizes her healing. The more I read into this topic, I see similarities with my mom. Just like George, she is also a self-absorded person. And she turns to me, as her daughter (I guess since women are more emotional creatures) and looks for me to help her with her unhappiness. She wants me to fix it. Wants me to go on vacation with her, be an ear to vent to about what a horrible person my father is, how wonderful she is but no one wants to spend time with her. I know that I can't because I have Penelope and Penelope and Grandma do not do too well together. I think the reason she makes me feel soooo bad I'm her daughter first, and an adult second, I'm not the person she needs to be having these conversations and hopes with. As an adult, I'm now old enough to recognize this, but it's probably what has caused the big rift between us for years but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Okay, this is turning into something less about Penelope and more about me, but it's insiteful. I don't feel bad about it anymore. We talked about that a bit too. Because I said "I really need my mom right now" us knowing that she isn't there for me like a mother should be right now. She asked me "What makes that hard for you?" I told her because my dad needs her to be here for me too and I already feel like I ask too much of him so he goes to her, and she is "too busy" or whatever. But then I realized, I really don't need her, I need support from someone who can take Penelope once in a while, respite care, so that I can do things - go to the store, have some alone time. And it just can't be anyone because of Penelope's unusual needs. But my mother is too close to the emotional trauma involved in working with Penelope and what has happened to her to be anything but counter-productive. The only person I have is my dad. My other brother is scared of Penelope - which I can understand. I have Harriet and her mother to contend with from that email they sent. I told the therapist, who ususally is in with Penelope and braintraining, so she wasn't aware of the email, about how I told Harriet's mom that if Penelope sees Harriet before she is ready, it would set her back and I just don't think I can do this again. The therapist said "Oh no, if she saw Harriet, we'd have to remove her from the family and place her in foster care. " Well that scared the shit out me. She didn't say it to be threatening but she knew that I couldn't deal with the ramifications of it, and I'm the only person in the family that Penelope has. But I can't have that. I won't allow it to get to that point. I know I couldn't do this again, not that I wouldn't try. Regardless if I could do it again emotionally, I couldn't do it again financially. Why did I have to go down such a negative road with her! I pretty much just vomitted all my concerns and fears to her about Penelope and everything. Why can't I stay positive!? I think it's just been a long week with just Penelope and me. I need a break! That's probably it. I need to snap out of it!
And it's not like Penelope is doing bad, we just have had a couple hickups. Because of running around to my parents and everything, I didn't get a chance to get Penelope's one medication refilled. And it was down to the wire. I dropped off the script late one night on the way home from my parents. I didn't want to go back that night to get it, because it was close to Penelope's bedtime. We didn't need it until morning. So I thought - I'll make Penelope throw on some clothes and we'll just get it in the morning. Morning came, battery was dead. SomeONE left their car door ajar which left the interior lights on. Not me. Anyway, my dad had to come and jump my car. By the time he got to my house, Penelope was in full psycho manic mode. She had already cried twice, one because Papaw was talking a long time getting to our house, and the second time, for falling off a chair - an upholstered lounge chair onto a rug. First, how do you do that?? She was bouncing off the walls, so hyper aggitated. She was mad but not for any particular reason. Defiant, trying to pick a fight with me etc. I decided it was "babytime" and pulled her onto my lap and held her in a curled up position. It calmed her down until Papaw pulled up. Then, when he did get here and we went outside, she was helping me push my car out of my driveway while my dad tried to start it with the clutch ? without having to jump it. It worked but it took a few tries. Penelope was screaming "It's going to blow up!" Neighbors started looking out their windows. Great... I tried to get her back inside but that was not going to happen. She started saying it again and I told her, "Oh my! You better start running!" She just looked at me like "Are you serious?" Of course not. My dad followed me to the pharmacy. He wanted to go in with me but I told him there was no way I was taking her in the store, or leaving her alone. He went in - he wanted a paper. By the time she got her pill, she was exhausted and took a two hour nap.
So it was fun trying to get her to sleep. Maybe 11pm I think?
I've definitely learned my lesson on overlapping pill prescriptions. Especially for this particular med. Good lord!

Got into it with George.....

So George wants me to go to his next therapy session. My mom called me to tell me that. I was like "Why?" From my perspective his therapy sessions have been counterproductive. Penelope's therapists that he could benefit from parenting classes and/or therapy. We knew he wouldn't go for parenting classes but he was okay with going to therapy. They didn't refer him to anyone specific, but just to go to therapy to talk through his issues. The problem is, George doesn't see that he has done anything wrong. His problem is he is depressed he doesn't get to see Penelope.
The main reason she doesn't see him is because she is still learning how to cope with her anxieties and control her extreme emotions. He stirs up a lot of memories and her trauma feelings. He is a major trigger. A huge contributing factor is that their relationship has been unhealthy. It's emotionally incestuous. I didn't come up with that, Penelope's ATs did based on my families description of their relationship, how they acted around eachother, and how she talks about him. But when they explained it, it was like a light went on that explained everything! I knew it was wrong the things he did, but I didn't know why.. I saw how they affected Penelope but I didn't have enough ammo or confidence to say more than that it was annoying. There are sooo many things wrong with emotional incest, but for a RAD child, the problem is that we are trying to get them to believe that THEY are important - their happiness, their self-value.. and a child of a parent like this will give up EVERYTHING to make their parent happy, including their own happiness. All her work would go right out the window. Her needs didn't matter to her birth mother - obviously, and neither does it to her father. For him, not seeing her is like losing a part of himself, because he bases his entire world and identity on his relationship with her. He has always sent the message that he can only be happy with her, that it's her job. She gave up her needs to take care of him - clean, cook, SLEEP with him, listen to his problems, role with the consequences of his decisions. He wanted to be married, she put up with the abuse her step-mother dished the best she could. She was even willing to go back when he pushed her to agree to go back into that physcially abusive household - because he didn't want to be alone. Even though she did to Penelope what she did. It's disgusting.
But see, he won't accept this as his problem. He tells people.. "I can't see Penelope because she has this problem where she sees me like a boyfriend instead of a dad." She is mentally ill so it must be part of her problem. It's HER problem, not his. Right.
Anyway, I asked him why his therapist wants me to go to his session. He said so we can improve our communication. What the heck did that mean? Of course we don't communicate well, he's an ass. He said "When we talk about Penelope, you cry." I said "Who cries?" He said, "Okay, we both cry.." He likes to paint me out to being this irrational, emotional crazy lady holding his daughter hostage. He is 42 years old and a selfish prick. I'm 33 and have been to hell and back. Anyway, I said "The only problem in my communication with you is that you refuse to accept anything I have to say, dismissing it based on your own personal non educated opinion. If you learned to open your ears and your mind to what Penelope's needs are, then I think we could learn to communicate. " He claimed he has been listening and learning. We ended up talking about how one of Penelope's AT had made some inaccurate statements to him about how frequent he would get to see Penelope. I said that I was afraid of that based on what I had seen/heard, but he has to remember that everything has always been up in the air based on how she was doing and how things go. I told him he needs to accept Penelope's timeline. She wasn't ready to see him when she did, and we are still trying to rein her in from that. He said he was being patient. I knew that not to be true. He keeps EXPECTING to see her the following week he hasn't seen her. Every Wednesday he plans to see her even though no one has told him of any date. That's where the AT stuck her foot in her mouth supposedly. I told him about how the conversations were from our perspective and it is based on how Penelope was doing. He pressured her into making committments "Penelope couldn't keep." It was wrong of both of them. I thought he understood.. he seemed to hear me. I told him "It's not about you or punishing you but what Penelope's needs are. You need to be patient." He said he was. I said, "Okay, tell me this. It's been over a week since her birthday. Why doesn't she have a present from you yet?" He said "I thought I was going to get to see her..." I said "Exactly, everyone has said that the next time isn't set." He sighed and said "How should I get her present to her..." I said "You can give it to Dad, or Mom.. or just give it to me on Monday." He said "You mean I'm not going to get to see her on Wednesday?!?!?!?!" "Um, no! Has anyone told you that are going to get to see her on Wednesday?" He said "It's been over a month so I should get to see her on Wednesday." I said "That's the problem George, you assume things. Even after everything I just said, you still have the same assumptions!" He said "This isn't right! This is unacceptable! You don't understand...." I do is the thing, it's all him. He said "I want a 2nd opinion!" I said "A 2nd opinion? She has one of those, and a 5th opinion.. they all are in agreement what her needs are.. you want a 6th or 7th opinion?" He huffed and said he said "I disagree with what they say. I want someone different that her ATs." I said "Of course you do, because you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, not what is the truth." He said "I can't talk about this, we will talk about it on Monday." I said "That's fine, just ask yourself this question..'Is Penelope getting better??'" He said "Yes, but I think she will get better faster if she sees me more often." I said "Okaaayy.. then answer me this. Why do you think you are not allowed to see Penelope right now?" He said "I really don't know." I said "Exactly what I thought. Again, even after I have told you, her ATs, her ATs telling your therapist, you still don't know." He said "Tell me what I did so wrong then! What I am such an A**hole like Harriet?!" I said "I guess that is the conversation we are suppose to have on Monday."
At first I thought, maybe I shouldn't go to this appointment. It's going to be really hard. But then, he needs to hear it, in front of a therapist who also needs to hear it. Somewhere along the time, she has fallen for his bullsh*t... "I'm the victim here" crap and she needs to be set straight too. I can communicate just fine thank you very f*cking much! lol.
Time to dig out the armor to go into battle against RAD.

Fortunetly, I am having a good day. I was suppose to go to lunch with an old friend who is now running aa subsidiary for a national company. She had to postpone it again. :( BUT the reason was because she is meeting with someone from corporate to consider starting a new division. She actually said she was hoping I would tell her I was either looking or about to and she said "What do you want to do and how much do you want to make?" It can't be any better than that. To have someone basically tell you that you are hired (as soon as..) just tell me what you want to do and how much you want. Especially in these economic times. So hopefully, her boss gives her the go-ahead.
So George can't mess up my day, no way no how. I'm sure Penelope could if she tried but she is doing fine today. She is currently reading. "Good girl!"

Scared....

I have no idea what to think about what happened yesterday, and everything seems okay today. So, yesterday we went and spent the afternoon at my twin brother's house with him and his two kids. We had a good time and Penelope was good. She wasn't acting happy or sad, just enjoying the "toys" at my brother's house and playing with her cousins. They are younger but ADORE Penelope. The 2 1/2 year old calls her "my Penelope." Like "Where is my Penelope?" The older cousin used to call her that when he was a little younger. He is 4 1/2. There were a couple incidences at Uncle Bs but nothing remarkable. Overall, very good, relaxing, not too fun, not too anything. Too much fun can be bad.
When we got home that evening, she was due her evening meds. Got them in her and told her to get ready for bed. She was being snippy with me. I'm sure I wasn't handling it right, just unhappy that the day wasn't mirroring the last 7 days and maybe her period of time in Happyland was over. I saw her dart into my room instead of her room from across the house. I didn't want to chase after her and make it a big deal. I said "Penelope, where are you?" She said "I'm in here." Not a good answer. "What are you doing?" She said "I'm looking for.... something." I said "What are you looking for in my room?" She huffed and said "Something important." I walked to hall and waited for her to come out. I stopped her, held her wrist, looked into her eyes, and said "Penelope, when I asked you a question, I am looking for a specific answer. Not fluff. Those answers were fluff, not telling me anything. If I didn't want to know the answer, I wouldn't have asked the questions." She stared back at me and I could see her trying to burn me with her fire gaze, like she could shoot lazers from them. She said "Fine" and went into her room. A minute later she brought me this bracelet her "bff" had made her during her overnight last week. The elastic band had broken the day prior but she still had all the beeds. But now all of a sudden it's an issue. She said "It's ruined!" I told her it was fixable and we made a plan to fix it this week ith a new elastic band. I told her "Why don't you get a ziplock bag to put the beeds in?" She sighed and said "I'm suppose to be getting into my nightgown." I said "You are right, we will just not worry about keeping the beeds then." She said "No!" I said "You are the one that came to me with your bracelet. If you want to keep the beeds, than I suggest you get a bag." She went and got one and gave it to me while passing me to her room to change. I went into my room to get my pjs on before I went to her room to read. On the floor next to my bed was one of her stuffed animals that I hadn't seen in a while. I asked her why this stuffed animal was in my room. She said "Don't you remember?? I gave it to you for your birthday." I do remember. Two birthdays ago she had decided in a very last minute kind of decision making, to take an old gift bag from the closet and gather a bunch items of hers together and give it to me as my birthday present. I hugged her and thanked her. But later I asked her to take care of them for me. If we could keep them in her play room. She was perfectly fine with this. I know how hard it is for her to part with anything that belongs to her. Still to this day, she has a hard time seeing things as ours, but hers and mine - it has gotten better. I said I remembered, but I thought she was holding on to it for me. She said "I guess I can..." I said "Only if you want of course." She said "I was hoping you would sleep with it at night." I told her that I don't sleep with stuffed animals. She said "I'm not like you in that way." I said "That's okay. We all can't be exactly like eachother. That would be kind of boring, don't you think?" She shrugged a "I guess so." I kept the stuffed animal and put it on my nightstand. I said "I hope you don't think that because I haven't been sleeping with the stuffed animal doesn't mean I didn't like the present and I don't love you." She said "Oh, no...." I said "I would hope not! It would be so not true!" But I knew that was part of it. She was trying to find a reason to think I don't love her.
But a few minutes later I went into her room and she was acting like nothing had happened and was getting into her bed, getting ready for our nightly ritual of me reading to her. She always straightens up for me to read to her. I've learned that taking away reading time doesn't improve her behavior or our relationship. Ususally it's a good time for her to regulate her feelings.
After reading that night's chapter, I gave her the kiss and hug that is our nightly ritual, and started to leave. She wanted to tell me something tonight. She said.. and this is the part that scared me...
"I love you so much. I love you too much." Too much? I told her "I love you very much too. But what is too much? Why is your love for me too much?" She said "I don't know.. it's just wierd. I think about you all the time, every day all through the day." Okay... At first I thought that maybe she was trying to say she was in love with me knowing that she still struggles with having normal emotional responses to things. I said "It's okay to think of me a lot. I'm your mom and you are still getting used to that and what that means to you." She hadn't acted out sexually to me so I don't really have any reason to think that's the case. She said "I've just never felt this way and it's wierd to me." I said I understood and gave her another hug and kiss and told her good night and turned off her light walking out the door. She said "I love you!" I said "I love you too!" but then she said "Oh, I love you way more..." in a all knowing type of tone. I said "I don't know if that's possible but okay sweetie, goodnight."
So, I just didn't know what to think of it. It scared me. How do I interpret that? The other problem is I found out her door alarm batteries went dead. I tried to rob a different door alarm for the night but I couldn't find any that would work! I don't know what was going on. But I knew one thing, her door alarm isn't working and she said "I love you TOO much.." I'm fearful that it means she is afraid to love me as much as she does because she is afraid she has let me in too much and I'm going to hurt her. Will she try to hurt me before I eventually hurt her? That was my fear. That is how she thinks, how RAD kids think.
It was late by the time I figured out there was no door alarm solution. It was going on 11pm. I couldn't call anyone to talk through my anxiety. I knew my mom would probably be up so I sent her an email to call me if she is still up. Not my first choice, but I needed to talk to someone. She called.
I told her about the day and evening events and what Penelope said. She said that she thought it was Penelope just not being used to feeling so much love. Which could be true.. but my instincts were telling me that my fear would make more sense. I told her my theory and she didn't totally dismiss it. I told her my problem is that her door alarm isn't working. I was sooo tired but didn't want to sleep. She said "Pull your dresser in front of your door and just move it early in the morning." She was right. That's what I did the first couple of nights after Penelope threatened to kill me before I could find alarms for the doors. I did just that.. and she must not have gotten up because she didn't ask me why my dresser was blocking the door. I hope at least.
My mom had called this morning to see how the evening went. It was okay. I still didn't get much sleep but all was good. However, we ended up getting into a big fight. She wanted to know if George had gotten Penelope's gift yet. I said that I didn't know because I hadn't heard anything. She was upset that it's been over a week since her birthday and Penelope hasn't received her dad's gift. We know he is holding out until he sees her again. He's trying to use it as leverage. She said she was going to call him to find out if she needs to go get something on his behalf for her. I told her not to do that. He needs to do that. Her concern was Penelope's feelings. I told her that one thing I've learned is that Penelope needs to know who her parents really are. We can't cover for them any more. It's not honest and she needs honesty. She doesn't need us talking bad about them, but telling the truth. So she understands it's not her fault, it's who they are. She didn't do anything to cause it. If we build up a facade that makes it seem like they are capable of being what she needs, it sends mixed messages. She didn't like that. Which made her mad, and she started ranting about everything and everybody. I told her it doesn't help her relationship with Penelope when she get mad like this. I was trying to be tactful. We have had a conversation recently, that she took well, how when she gets mad at someone, she starts to think about all the things that make her mad and then she just gets mad at everybody and it doesn't help her feel better. She wasn't so understanding this time. She said "It doesn't have anything to do with Penelope." I said "I know but when you get mad, it comes out in the topics you decide to talk about, how you talk about things, and the way you react to things." She started talking about how all her kids and her husband want her to act and be someone she isn't, and how she had given her life for us and everything she has ever done is for us and Penelope doesn't respect her and wants tries to push her buttons and she tries to not get mad about it and.. well maybe she has done too much for us. That was it for me. I said "Yes, maybe that's it. You've done too much for us." She said "I can hear your sarcasm." I said "I was being sarcastic. I have tried to help you improve your relationship with Penelope. I've told you why she does what she does and how to handle those situations, but it's hard for you because 'I'm trying to make you someone your not.' Well, that is how it is with Penelope. You have to do things you wouldn't naturally do! You are talking about my life! I have had to learn to be someone I am not, because that's what I needed to do. I don't like not being able to have an honest emotion but I do it!" She said "That's not what I'm saying...." and she went into telling me how unapprieciated she is and that all her kids think their dad is the best thing ever but he's not... Right. She said "I can't have this conversation right now.. " I said "Me neither" and she hung up.
We were suppose to go over my parents tonight for Sunday night dinner, but I had decided when she went into her downward spiral of self-pity that we wern't going to be able to do that. I wasn't going to expose Penelope to her need to make sure everyone knows how much we should appreciate her.
She called back 5 minutes later. "What time are you coming over?" I said "I don't think that is best today.. I will have to think about it.. unless you want a decision right now. Then it's no. I just don't think it's best." She said indifferently "That is fine. The offer still stands, your dad will be home around 4:00. Call him and let him know one way or the other." Then she went into another rant about how miserable she is, how she is old and hurts and doesn't even want to leave the house anymore and my father doesn't do anything with her or invite in order for her to want to leave the house, no one wants to do anything with her..... which was only solidifying our need not to go over there. A few minutes later when she stopped and told me to call dad, I said "Okay, bye."
She is such a miserable person and there pretty much isn't anything I do to help her, which I would love to. It's not like I hate her, I'm just not the person to help her. Just like she isn't the person to help me. I just know I am not going to expose Penelope to it. That hurts my mom but she will just have to deal with it. I hate to think what this is going to do to my dad. Yes, I need my dad, and she totally resents him and me for it.

One full week of Happyland

So Penelope has officially had one full week of Happyland. She hasn't been there since before Easter. She had three weeks then. She calls them "the three weeks I was happy" which is funny in it's own absurd way. But it's true. She received an Easter card from Harriet. I wasn't expecting it and she intercepted it before I did. I wrote about it then, but the issue had to do with what she wrote in the card and how it made Penelope feel. They were meant to be innocent I guess but to tell Penelope that you miss her so much and love her more than anything in the whole world can be emotionally devistating when you have abused the child since birth and have made no effort to do what is required in order to see her. If I had found the card first, I wouldn't have given it to her. Harriet knew that and that was why there was so much secrecy about it. She even made a point to underline her first name on the card to point out the difference between something mailed to me versus her.
She did something similar around Christmas. She had bought Penelope a bunch of classics at the Half Price Book Store. Wrapped them separately. In there she wrapped a book like journal and wrote a note to her inside it. "My Dearest Penelope, I know things are very difficult for you right now. I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. I wish I could take back all that has happened. Unfortunetly, we can't go back in time. So, all I can pray for now, is that life becomes easier for you. I once heard, that it's always darkest before the dawn. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you with all my heart & soul, Mommy. "
Maybe I'm too bitter to see it in any other way than as her toeing a line that she will not cross. She never apologizes... until the last sentence where she hopes she will forgive her. But she doesn't say for what. Not that she should in this way but it just wasn't the best way to go about this to begin with. Plus she never told me she had put that in there. I don't know what compelled me to trust her and not pre-open all the presents.
But Penelope opened her birthday cards from her grandmother and birth mother. She read the cards outloud. Acknowledged that her grandmother's husband signed the card too, which has never happened before. She pocketed the Toys R Us gift cards her mom had sent. She tried to pocket the check her grandmother had sent but I took it from her so I can deposit it. She spent a good 5 minutes reading every bit of writing, including the address and phone number and bank info on the check. It had her phone number on it as well. That was concerning. Sarah isn't on board, obviously from the post with the email info on it, and I couldn't trust her to be good on the phone so there was no way she was going to talk to her. I think that might have been the plan with keeping the check. But she was good about handing it over.
We went and spent the money at Toys R Us and she was really good about it. Really checking prices and figuring out how much she can spend and get the most for her dollar. If she wasn't in a healthy place she would have been behind anxiety stricken and stuck not being able to buy much because she would have wanted everything she touched. She did get a little mouthy with me and I said "What's this? Are you upset about the cards??" She reined it in.. "No.. I don't think so.. Now you are making me worry..." I laughed and said, "It's up to you how you let those cards affect you." She did good. We had a good evening.

Therapy yesterday was really good too. I knew she was strong enough to discuss her video. I started preping her for the topic by pumping her up by telling her how I've seen how strong she is getting - citing examples from her slumber party and other times. She admitted she has been feeling happy. When she was in full agreement and full of pride, I said "I know you are strong enough to tell about your video.." She said "Yeah.... wait, video???" I ignored her and said "I know that they would not judge you or think less of you at all, and actually they would probably be just as proud as I would be to see how courageous you are to discuss it with them. Very proud.." She cringed a little and said "What if you told them?" I said "I can do that but you would still need to talk about it with them.. to process it." She agreed. Yeah!!!
She did talk a little bit about it. She answered their questions and they reassured her that they do not think less of her and still care about her very much. I don't think she was fully honest with her answers but the ATs handled it without making it an issue, understanding how difficult it was for her. She was so excited and anxious when we left, she felt so better getting it off her chest.
I did ask them at the end of our session when we should set up the next visitation with George. I really don't care if we don't have it for a long time. I want Penelope to enjoy her visit in Happyland for as long as possible. They agreed and said she shouldn't see him more than once before school starts back up. If we have it too soon, than he will want to see her again right before school starts, but we want to have it far enough away from school that she has time to recover. So it will be the beginning of August.
I called my dad and told him. He said he was going to be pissed but that will be his problem. Exactly! I told the ATs how I still don't have his present, because he is holding out on when he will get to see her again.. because he thinks its soon. .. how he feels like every Wednesday that comes up, he should get to see her and plans it that way. How he feels that as soon as she has "talked about" her video, she should be ready to see him. Her one AT said that his thinking is very "concrete" and he isn't taking into consideration her emotions. It's just very selfish and self serving. No kidding.
Got love both her parents.. geesh.

Anyway, her existance in Happyland waivered a little today but that's kinda normal. She is doing so well right now though. I'm very proud of her. I know this was probably inappropriate but I try to make light of her RAD diagnosis with her so she doesn't feel inferior. She knows that she is different.. with the medications and therapy, how she feels and how she sticks out from most of the other kids. We were talking about her medication and sleeping at her friends house. I told her she needed to be good about her medication "You don't want to ruin your friendship, do you?" This is a friendship she has ruined in the past and really really regrets it. She said "Oh no no." I said "Then you need to make sure you take your medication tonight on time. I don't want you to act the way you did . She knows what I mean.. she said "I can't think of the word to describe how I act... What is it?..crazy?.. " I said "Coo coo... Coo coo for cocoa puffs!" She was like "Mom!" and we laughed.. I corrected myself and told her it reminds me of the squirrel in the movie Over the Hedge, very hyper. She liked that.. But she knows she isn't "all right in the head" and I tell her that I honestly don't think anyone is.. but we are working on it!

Right now < holding breath > things are good!

I think things are going good right now. I've kinda touched on it a little in the a couple prior posts but I guess I'm just waiting for it to really start to falter. I see it here and there.. like when we had dinner with my mom two nights ago, and then the aftermath yesterday morning. But I think Camp is going well for her and it's helping her feel good about her self. She isn't allowed to play with the younger kids, so she can't be in control. Her closest friend there is 14 years old and she is a sweet girl. She is very girlly and they have exchanged phone numbers. When Penelope calls her, they go on and on and on and on and on. Penelope doesn't do that with any of her same age friends. But they talk about their cats and how funny they are. She uses her of age voice, no baby voice. She is appropriate and communicates well. She even ends the calls and is polite about it. She will say "Whew! That girl can talk!" I haven't heard her lie to her, which is what she used to do with people on the phone. Tell them some off the cuff story with no meaning or purpose, other than to fool them.
I haven't given her the birthday cards yet. Kinda don't want to. She is doing so well right now, I don't want to ruin it. But then, this would be the best time, because she is being strong right now. Her one friend from school, who was in Dream Camp with, who she had over for her birthday party, invited her to stay the night last night. It was last minute and I was torn but felt that she needs to strengthen her friendship with this girl because it's important to her. I know she won't do anything that will embarrass herself too much. She just got home a little bit ago and I was told she was very good. She did want a snack at 10:30pm last night. She was offered a cheese stick but she didn't want that. She probably wanted crap to eat. Her friends Mom said no, but felt totally unsure about that. She also told her that she was allowed to have Sprite for breakfast. I was like "nuh huh" and she said "That's what I thought and I told her no." She was feeling unsure because I'm sure Penelope was very convincing like "doesn't everybody??" But if that is the worst of it, I think that is a total success. Her friend's mom knows a little about Penelope's problems, and she has been very understanding but she doesn't know enough to be "helpful" in the greater sense. I just know that her older daughter has mental/emotional problems so she can empathize. It's odd, but the people in our lives that are not judgemental and/or actually supportive have had their own experiences with emotional disturbance/trauma. Penelope's camp counselor, her friend's mother, her tutor...
I got to sleep in this morning which was soooooooooo nice. I didn't wake up until 10:30. Yeah! It was wonderful. I am in a good mood.. I am not sure why but I guess I shouldn't question it. I just know the last time Penelope was having a few good days, I wouldn't let myself. I think it's partially because I've "met" online another RAD mom who I'm sure I've bugged the heck out of but I hope that the things that I have shared with her about our experiences will save her some of the hardship she is going through now. This is such a lonely world, you feel trapped in your house, in your world, fighting everything and everyone and it just makes you feel that much lonelier and it gives me strength to have that connection - that I'm not alone. I guess it's selfish to get happiness and strength from someone else's hardship but it's not like I'm glad she, or her child, is going through this.. my darkest days... but I think you know what I mean. But if it gives her strength in the same way than all the better. Because I think that's the one thing that I really struggled with. Even though Penelope's therapists would call me strong, tell Penelope I'm strong enough, tell me I'm doing a good job etc etc... I couldn't hear it. It only made me mad to hear it, to feel like they were lying to me and especially to Penelope. "Your mom isn't strong!" I wanted to tell her.. but I couldn't. She needs to have assurance in my strength. I would think "I'm not strong enough for this!" But then what's the alternative? It's not an option I could live with, I'm definitly not strong enough for that! So you push through... hoping to come out the other end.
But I'm feeling good right now.. thank you so much for giving me the strength to allow myself to enjoy Penelope's health and not fear what's coming.
Today we have therapy and I hope Penelope is strong enough to talk about her video she made. I think it will be hard for her but I think she will feel better talking about it.

Penelope's mood swings

For the past few weeks, Penelope has been really having a hard time dealing with her anxiety and emotions that were all stirred up from her visitation with George. She doesn't realize it's because of George - or at least is in denial of it, because she wants to believe that seeing George makes her happy. It doesn't of course. It's just like scratching at a itchy bug bite which always feels good but than as soon as you stop it itches worse and worse, get's really red and swollen and maybe even bleed. Okay.. I've been dealing with my own bug bites that have been keeping me up at night, but I think it's a good analogy. She wants to see him again, so she tries to act good, but her "happiness" isn't real so it only makes things worse.
Then her focus went on to her birthday and the events celebrating it. She helped me set up for the party so she was doing very good there and I was sure to give her lots of praises. When she got a much bigger and more expensive present from her one friend, versus the other, she handled it like a pro giving each present equal billing - dishing out lots of hugs for wonderful gifts. She has so much love to give! It's awesome to see her when she is feeling truly happy and loved and content.
The only thing left regarding her birthday is to give her the cards with the money/gift cards from her birth parents and maternal grandmother. I wanted to get this over on Sunday. Now it's Wednesday. I told my mom that I was giving the cards to her today so that she can processes her feelings before therapy tomorrow evening. She wasn't happy about that but understands. I went ahead and told Penelope that she has cards from these people but I'm just waiting for one so I can give them to her all at the same time. I wanted to make sure she knew that they sent something so she wouldn't think otherwise - which she would and not speak of it - just start acting out from it. Also, it was kind of babysteps to giving her the cards because I know it will draw up some emotional feelings. But I'm already seeing the anxiety. Plus she always has a hard processing the emotions from having new things. For example, when the school or after school tutor program would give out reward toys to the kids, Penelope would play with them regardless if the time, location, manner etc. she was playing with them were inappropriate - so it always became an object of contention. Heck, last week, Laurie so kindly gave Penelope a bicycle helmet and a camper's flashlight to her for her birthday at the end of their tutor session. Of course Penelope loved her gifts but insisted on putting the batteries in the flashlight standing there in the driveway, and refused to take off the helmet and wanted to sleep in it. I told her I wasn't going to start reading to her (our nightly ritual) until the helmet came off, even though I was still going to bed at bedtime.
So now she has money burning a hole in her pocket and this money is from "these" people so it creates this high level of anxiety that she isn't dealing well with. Wasn't expecting that.
Then yesterday we went to visit Papaw, but he wasn't home but Grandma insisted on taking us to dinner. Penelope was very anxious and Grandma always makes her anxiousness worse. My tolerance was low - and I felt like I was going to pass out. Do you ever have that? Where, even though you had a good night's sleep that prior night, really didn't do anything during the day that would cause you to be tired but then have like a sudden onset of wanting to literally passout? Anyway, that's just a side item. Probably just my body trying to demand rest from the past week of running around like crazy.
Anyway, my mom kept bringing up George... then Penelope started picking on Grandma, then Grandma got really pissed and tried to tell Penelope how wonderful she feels she is (Grandma, not Penelope). I tried to change the subject but Grandma kept redirecting. So I was like "Check please?" She obviously wasn't having a good day and it was a big mistake to stop by.
So this morning Penelope was a bear to get ready for Camp. She didn't want to get up, she didn't want to take a shower, and she didn't want to take her pills. Ususally I would just send her back to bed and tell her she wasn't going to Camp today after a morning like that, but I had a lunch appointment with a friend who runs a company. After my conversation with my dad, I really didn't want to miss that time. However, she ended up rescheduling with me anyway, having her own crisis. :( I just don't know how I'm going to be able to manage a job with her mood swings!

Email aftermath

I think I was pretty nice in the email. It could have been worse. I did get snippy but I have a right to. They are in such denial it drives me crazy sometimes. I try to let things not get to me, I try to pick my battles and not take on so much emotional baggage. I tried to let this roll off, and for the most part I did. I did end up with a migraine but it was a mild one that a couple Advil fixed.. My dad was pissed - he's MY protector :) He wanted to send a scathing email back but I think I handled the whole thing maturely - for the most part - so him nor my mom felt compelled to. Of course I had to deal with the aftermath of my mother getting the email. She took it much worse than I did and for the next couple of days I had to listen to her rant on how SHE has given up her life for Penelope and how Harriet has ruined HER life etc. etc. I put the blame back on George but whatever. I listened the best I could trying to let it all just roll off with the rest of it. Then she told me how she hadn't taken her anti-depressants in a while because she needed to get them refilled. I said "CALL IT IN AND I WILL PICK IT UP!" Things got better a few days after that.
I did have to tell her to quit complaining about my dad though. It's constant with her. I told her that I will do what I can to listening to the rest of it but I have to draw a line. From my perspective he is the best dad in the world and I wouldn't be alive today without him. She got mad and said it's just like Penelope with her dad and mom. In other words, she loves him regardless of all the atrocities he has done but highly critical of the mother. Whatever mom. I know she is going through her own thing with my dad and it's honestly nothing new. That doesn't mean it's not real. The problem she is having is that money is tight with the family. She is commission only in a market that pretty much has shambles right now and my dad is the only one who is bringing any money in. And honestly, her "investment" into her sales makes her income net negative so that comes out of dad's paycheck. He helps me out a lot with all our expenses - and Penelope is very expensive. And George is on disability right now and it's not enough to cover his expenses so my dad has to help him out too. So I get to listen to my mom complain about not getting to go on vacations and she is always trying to plan one anyway. She is still planning to go on a cruise this fall. She just got her hair done and I will tell you I know that it cost at least $250. I haven't had my hair cut in 8 months and I cut Penelope's hair myself.
My dad just told me today that his company is cutting his pay to half. He has known for a couple of months this was in the works but it's effective in one week. I can tell he is still taking it hard even though he was trying to be optimistic about it. He said he can start collecting on his Social Security, being of that age and all, and he essentially will have the same income - but with less hours of work. I don't know how long it takes to get that started and I think that might be part of his concern, I don't know. I feel so bad because I wish I didn't need him to help me with Penelope. I wish I was a stronger person and could handle Penelope's needs and my own. I called him back after about 30 minutes because I hadn't told him I have a lunch appointment with an old friend who is now running a company - I would see if she has anything I can do to earn some extra money. That wasn't my intent with the lunch but I should. He told me I didn't have to, he would never ask me to do that. He knows how hard it is for me. I couldn't help but get emotional. Again, he says what I need to hear but of course I torment myself anyway.
When he first told me the news, he had said he hadn't told my mom yet. I asked him that when he does, to tell her not to tell me or something because I don't know if I can deal with her comments about how hard my needing them to help me financially has burdened her. It's not like she comes out and says it, she just makes comments about how she can't afford to do anything she wants to and emails me job postings. But as soon as I said it I felt bad, because I'm talking about making things easier for me about it and I told him to nevermind. It was my problem. I had made a point up until now to not tell him how she does that and I ended up saying it anyway - just because I forseen it coming and got upset - about it and the fact that I'm such a burden on him. He knows I feel bad about it and he makes every point to act like giving me $1000 here and there no big deal. I will probably never be able to repay him. I just have to remember that he knows that I'm the only one who can do what I am doing for Penelope. And he loves her just as much as I do. I just have to keep remembering that.

Penelope's other family

So, this is the blog I've been trying to get around to because I want to document what has been going on behind the scenes - nothing Penelope is aware about. As you know, George got to see Penelope about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The visit went fine but picking up the pieces taken about two weeks to do. We still haven't discussed her video she made the evening of the visitation in therapy. She has been acting too defensive/defiant to make that conversation productive. Her therapist wanted to wait. George wants to see her again, he wanted to see her last week - because somewhere in his mind someone told him he could. No one has. He wanted to see her this week, which leads me to the topic at hand - Penelope's other family and her birthday/presents. I don't talk to George, unless I absolutely have to. He loves to pick fights with me and/or tell people I tell him things that I don't. But I was there when my mother called him to find out what he was getting Penelope for her birthday and knowing he is currently off work disabled, money was tight, I recommended him making something for her.. a drawing or something. He used to tell Penelope how he loved to draw. She is sentimental and would like a present like that. I was also planning to give the presents from Harriet and her mother to Penelope on Sunday after her party was over. But my mom wanted me to wait until I got George's so his wasn't given last. He was told he had until Sunday to "make" whatever. But when Sunday came around, my mom called him and he said "I'm getting her something for Wednesday - for us to do together. Talk to Dad." She asked me and I knew nothing about it. When my dad got in from golfing, I asked him if there was some visitation planned that I wasn't aware of? He said there wasn't, it's just George doing his thing.. trying to get what he wants. So it's Monday evening and I still haven't given Penelope the cards with their money in them. I talked to George today because he wanted to know what he should get her. He decided on iTune gift cards - fine. But he wanted to know when her next therapy appointment was. Actually, now that I type that, I'm curious if he plans on showing up to her appointment. I will have to make sure he doesn't. He knows that her visitation was scheduled specifically the evening before her therapy appointment and he "expects" every Wednesday that has past since his visitation to be his next visitation. Anyway, if I don't get it by Wednesday I am giving her the cards because I want to make sure that the therapists can help me deal with any emotional ramifications from the cards when we see them. Okay, so that was George, now on to Penelope's birth mother and grandmother. I kept saying over the past few weeks that something was going to happen with Harriet because of Penelope's birthday coming up. She hadn't really said anything but had been calling more frequent for "updates." I hadn't heard from Sarah (the grandmother) since February and only via email. I had sent her one in March but she never responded so I dropped it. But below is the email that I recieved from Sarah, who copied my mother, on July 4th.

I have been having an internal debate with myself since the last time gave me an update about Penelope. I have to tell you that parts of your last communication to me, , made me angry. I decided at that time that perhaps I just needed to stay out of the situation. You see, it made me angry that Penelope was supposedly having nightmares about Harriet crawling through the window to kill her. I immediately asked myself - "Who on earth said something to Penelope to indicate that Harriet would physically harm her?" And my mind went from this train of thought to "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or care taker? And the answer I came up with is this. It all depends on how the other parent and relatives respond to the situation. It depends on how much the child is made to feel that the deserting parent is pond scum, or that the deserting parent didn't want to be the child's parent. With the huge number of divorces occurring now days, if every child whose parent left, developed RAD, our society will soon be full of disfunctional RAD patients. My own two older children were deserted by their father. Kathleen was not quite 1 and Angela was 5. He saw them maybe twice a year. He called on Christmas and birthdays, if he had time.
How did George handle this situation? What kind of single parent was he? How did he respond to Debbie's Penelope bashing and even kicking Penelope out of the house? How much was said about Harriet within Penelope's hearing range, or when nobody thought Penelope was listening?
I had a choice to make Karl out to be a demon, a bottom dweller of a father, a bastard - whatever. Or I could tell Angela and Kathleen that their father loved them and make good sounding excuses for him not being around more. I chose the latter and guess what - they are both highly successful people who now have a decent relationship with their father.
It also has made me angry that my daughter, Harriet, has been treated as if she doesn't exist. She has been treated as if she is not a person, as if she has no feelings. No communication on Mother's Day, or her birthday. In fact, not much communication at all. Phone calls, from my understanding, often do not get returned or if they do get returned, it is after many days have passed. In fact, one of the reasons I stopped communicating with Penelope - cards, a little money here or there, was also lack of response, or great delay in response so that I was unsure if she even got anything I sent her.
Harriet is my daughter, despite whatever she has done and despite the fact that she has problems that keep her from supporting herself or even taking very good care of herself. I am essentially her only support. Just as we would all like to see Harriet as a happy, functioning young lady, I would like to see my daughter happy.
I'm sure you all feel that you are doiing what's best for Harriet and I have no problem in saying that you have essentially raised Harriet. I do not know if I agree with what is going on now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I do not agree.
One question - Is it truly Penelope's choice not to see Heather? Or has Penelope been told it's not good for her to see Heather right now? Or has Penelope been led to believe that Harriet does not even want to see her now? Does Penelope know that Harriet DOES want to see her?

Nice, huh? See, Sarah is a retired school teacher.. and has expressed in the past that she doesn't think Penelope has RAD because she worked with inner city schools where she has had kids with RAD but they don't act the way I have described to her. I told her "Of course they don't. You think they are going to show their true colors to you? They save that stuff for home." The other tidbit to know, which I am sorta linking together through this email, is Sarah's history. I knew she had other daughters other than Harriet. I didn't know they were with a different father. So, Karl is husband #1, Harriet's dad is husband #2, and she is currently with husband #3. The first two daughters are successful professionally and personally - a doctor and a lawyer with families. Harriet is married, on SSD and so is her husband. So anyway, below is my response to her email.. Mind you, I haven't received a response, but she did send Penelope a birthday card that showed up the day after her birthday with a check for $50. I thought it was interesting how her note she put on the card spelled out that there is a check for $50 with the card - I guess so I wouldn't just steal the money and not tell Penelope.. I'm evil I tell ya! I should send her an email letting her know that I gave Penelope the card but there was no check in the envelope and Penelope is pissed! Thinks she doesn't love her... but I won't. >=) Anyway, here is my email response.

I've read your email, and my initial thought is that "I'm not surprised." I don't think this because I think you are right in the assumptions you have made or that you are a bad person so your accusatory email is meant to be malicious, but in that through my journey with helping Penelope I have learned how lonely of a road this is. I have learned a lot in this process. My second thought was "I'm glad you still care...." in that you obviously have put a lot of thought into the whole situation but also "... even though you are on the wrong path." You are making wrong assumptions and asking the wrong questions. Somewhere fundamentally you have assumed I must not love Penelope and either I have myself, or I have allowed someone else to plant hurtful lies into Penelope's head. That I have myself, or I have allowed someone to make this all about Harriet. Be assured that is far from the case. Some of the issues you raise in your email I have addressed in the past, and so I also feel that you have come to distrust me and my motives. I'm going to go through your email and respond to each section the best I can. Understand that I have always taken the approach that when someone asks me a question, I conclude that they want an honest answer, so I answer honestly regardless if I feel the person isn't going to like my answer or not. I feel that gives it credibility and I have found that has helped me in life and in my career for that reason.

I have been having an internal debate with myself since the last time gave me an update about Penelope. I have to tell you that parts of your last communication to me, Meredith, made me angry. I decided at that time that perhaps I just needed to stay out of the situation. You see, it made me angry that Penelope was supposedly having nightmares about Harriet crawling through the window to kill her. I immediately asked myself - "Who on earth said something to Penelope to indicate that Harriet would physically harm her?"
This is an example of where I feel you are asking the wrong question. But I will first answer it, since you asked. No one, NO ONE, ever told Penelope that Harriet would physically harm her. Not under my watch, and that is when this paranoia manifested. Penelope has never said that anyone told her that. I told you what Penelope was having these nightmares, not supposedly, but actually having these nightmares. So, in my mind, the right question to ask is "Why is Penelope having these nightmares?" The short answer is guilt and hate. Penelope feels so much guilt, not as much as she used to as her healing progresses, but she felt sooo much guilt towards how much hate she had in her heart. She felt guilty for everything under the sun, everything that has ever happened to her, and everything she felt was bad in life, which was pretty much everything. Her therapists call it "Yuckworld." When you live in Yuckworld, you see everything through hateful eyes. It's like Hell. Kids, including Penelope, have described their life as being Hell. The hate that carried around in her heart that relates to all her guilt is part of her RAD. RAD is a product of her life experiences from 0-3 yrs old. But I'll try to explain that later.. because I know that you are questioning her diagnosis. But at that particular time, all the hate in her heart was directed at Harriet. This was right after her second hospital stay that is directly linked to the time Harriet had moved down to but ended up coming back a few days later but not contacting me to reschedule her visitation, your conversation with her letting her know that, then the conversation Harriet had with Penelope after that. Penelope had so much hate, pure blinding hate towards Harriet for that. I know now that I handled that situation wrong. Knowing now what I know, what I have learned that is now helping her heal. I knew enough then to know that part of what I was trying to do with her is teach her to trust me. Trust that I will keep her safe. Because fundamentally that is what her brain has been trained to do through her trauma, not trust, feel unsafe, even in safe environments. I was working with her therapist at the time, he I was referred to by the staff at Children's Hospital, to figure out what the right thing to do with this new situation, Harriet leaving, and then returning, but not calling me or giving any indication of wanting to reschedule, not knowing if she was only back for a couple of days or what. When Harriet left and wasn't going to be in town for their scheduled visit, I told Penelope that Harriet had moved to and she doesn't have a car right now to come visit. But as soon as she does have a car, she said she would be coming to visit. My first mistake was saying that second part, because Harriet never said that. I was trying to defuse the sitution. But in doing so, I lied. I made a promise that was never made or that I could control. Penelope figured out that lie when you told her on the phone that she was back in town and was surprised she hadn't called. Penelope took that as a lie from both Harriet and me, all mother figures are untrustworthy. But for Penelope, it was ripping a scab off a very old wound related to Harriet. Then when Harriet talked to her later that day, Penelope had asked her "Why didn't you call me?" Harriet responded, and I was there and heard her, "I called your dad, he or should have told you." She processed it to mean two different things... one, that Harriet didn't want to call her, since Harriet didn't actually answer her question which is why didn't SHE call her.. but also that her father and I both knew she was back in town but didn't tell her. I already said why I didn't tell her, but I think it may have been best to have told her, and then figure out how to help her process her feelings about the rest of it from there. But there was still the unanswered questions about what Harriet was going to do next. I was trying to save her from going through the anxiety of asking herself those questions as well as to her own dilemna of whether or not Harriet loves her. I have never, through this day, ever tell Penelope that Harriet doesn't love her. I do tell her that Harriet does love you. I will admit for a while there, I didn't say anything one way or the other because it was hard to see Penelope in so much pain and think that love was ever apart of her relationship with Harriet. But like I said, I have learned a lot, and I know with confidence that Harriet loves Penelope. But that love is not enough.
Back to Penelope's nightmares. When she was in the hospital, she had a psychotic break.. she was so full of hate of Harriet that she filled a journal full of hateful words "KILL" "F*CK" "B*TCH" etc., and drawings, drew all over her pajamas, the walls and talked about her own addiction to smoking. (Harriet smokes) Of course she didn't smoke but it was all part of her psychosis. And then the guilt rolled in. She lived, and sometimes still does, live in a fantasy world. She became so paranoid that Harriet was going to learn about all her hateful thoughts and feelings and want revenge. She was so consumed by her thoughts of Harriet, I can imagine her feel that Harriet would be just as consumed about her. So she had serious problems of sleep and feeling unsafe. I will say over time, her nightmares transitioned from Harriet killing or kidnapping her to end of he world catastrophy type nightmares as well as dinosaurs or aliens. Of course, I told her that Harriet wasn't going to kill her and tried to reassure her, but you can't rationalize this away. Our new, at the time, attachment therapists said that we should put up alarms. I was concerned with supporting Penelope's feelings by putting up alarms but they said that the important point is for Penelope to feel safe. So now we have alarms on all our windows and doors. And it really helped. It took a while, but it helped, as she felt safer.
And my mind went from this train of thought to "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or care taker? And the answer I came up with is this. It all depends on how the other parent and relatives respond to the situation. It depends on how much the child is made to feel that the deserting parent is pond scum, or that the deserting parent didn't want to be the child's parent. With the huge number of divorces occurring now days, if every child whose parent left, developed RAD, our society will soon be full of disfunctional RAD patients. My own two older children were deserted by their father. Kathleen was not quite 1 and Angela was 5. He saw them maybe twice a year. He called on Christmas and birthdays, if he had time.
You gave an answer to your question "What is the difference between children who develop RAD and those who do not develop it when deserted either physically or emotionally by a parent or caretaker?" I don't think it's as simple as you put it. First of all, it's commonly believed that the primary caretaker discussed is the mother, not the father. Not that it isn't possible, but it's the person that is the true primary caregiver. Even in todays' modern lifestyles, it's still considered the mother because the bonding starts pre-birth as well as the fact that mothers are usually the one who is that true primary caregiver even though fathers have tried to take on a larger role in children's lives these days. Also, the conditions that have put the child at risk have to have had during the first 36 months of life, during those development stages of a baby's life. Also, it depends on how many of the conditions and how frequent those high risk conditions were experienced by the child. Also, and a pretty significant point, is the child's resilience. I have wondered the same thing, maybe in a different way.. "Why isn't Reactive Attachment Disorder more well known?" I would think that there would be more cases than there are. What I have learned is that it's not as uncommon as the general public would think since it's not well known. But the cases that aren't the rare cases related to medical issues as infants, is because most of the cases are found in the foster and adoption world. Maybe the agencies that find placements for these children aren't the most forthcoming about the possible emotional disturbance issues some of these kids have. They may say something like "this child is currently in therapy for some issues.." but who wouldn't be in that situation? But RAD is more than depression or social issues due to low self-esteem or whatever we might think a child who has been in the foster system may indure. I've even heard of adoption cases, where the child was adopted within the first few weeks of life, but still ended up have RAD. I would say that probably has to do with resilience.
How did George handle this situation? I think you mean, did he Harriet bash? I don't know that answer because I wasn't there when it was just the two of them. I know he knew that as a family we didn't allow that, but I can see him say things to other people in front of her or during times he was upset with her.
What kind of single parent was he? I think he was a shitty single parent. Like I said before, love is not enough.
How did he respond to Debbie's Penelope bashing and even kicking Penelope out of the house? Again, this isn't a question for me but for George. I can tell you what I know based on past conversations. He took Debbie's Penelope bashing as Penelope is misbehaving and believed everything that Debbie said. I wouldn't doubt that Penelope wasn't misbehaving, but instead of looking at the behavior as a symptom to something else, Penelope was just viewed as a bad child who was having a hard time transitioning into the new family. He was upset that Penelope was kicked out of the house but he tried to save that marriage hoping that Debbie could change. I'm not as forgiving but it wasn't my marriage but if it was my marriage it would have been a deal breaker.
How much was said about Harriet within Penelope's hearing range, or when nobody thought Penelope was listening? I don't know, I wasn't there. I know from what Penelope has told me that Debbie, being the horrible person that she was, said bad things about Harriet to Penelope but I believe because she is jealous of Penelope's affection for Harriet. Debbie was jealous of everyone. She was jealous of George's relationship with Penelope, my relationship with Penelope, and Penelope's love for Harriet. Penelope did hear the break up conversation between George and Debbie, and it was mostly about Penelope. Debbie didn't want Penelope. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that these line of questions, that are similar to questions you have asked in the past, are implying that you think that this is either not Harriet's fault or that it's not only Harriet's fault. I agree in that it's not just Harriet that contributed to Penelope's emotional disturbance. Harriet, as her primary caregiver, created the conditions that caused Penelope's RAD, but George, as a parent, didn't prevent it and aggravated it by not providing a consistent, structured, safe and healing lifestyle for Penelope. (That's putting it simply - you'd have to read long first blog that lays out the history to see what has gone on.) Because she never learned to have a true emotional bond, not the clinging anxiety ridden bond she had with people, but a trusting, calming, true bond, she went through her life anxiety ridden and feeling unsafe and in "yuckworld" and addressed each new experience and situation from that perspective. So, even things like thunderstorms re-traumatized her. Harriet continued to re-traumatize her through her actions of disappearing, talking about how mean Bob (2nd husband) is to her, having her "secret" of taking her away when she turns 13 or whatever, and cancelling vistations. Debbie also re-traumatized her with her yelling and finger pointing and villified sterotypical step-mother persona. All three of these people are dysfuctional contributing to Penelope's distrubance. You may have picked up on that I said Geoff didn't "prevent it" either. I'm not talking about Heather leaving. I'm talking about the neglect that occurred in the house. I know that Heather has denied locking Molly in her room but she admitted it to the Attachment Therapists when her and Bob met with them several months ago. She said she locked her in there for her own protection so Penelope wouldn't run around the house while she was sleeping (during the day). I've told you this, and told you that you can call
at to discuss that and any of Penelope's case. I don't know if you still believe that it's not true but you wouldn't be the first to accuse me of feeding the therapists and Penelope lies. George, who knows that I think he is a shitty dad, also has made that accusation to defend himself. I shared that with the therapists, because it's hard to tolerate being accused of doing something that would be so against everything I am and have been doing for Penelope. They said that, they hear what I and my parents say, and what Harriet and George have both said, but the evidence is Penelope. They see what Penelope has done and how she is. Penelope is all the evidence they need to know that she is RAD, that the things that have been said have happened as they witness the ramifications of it.
Penelope's current relationship with both her mother and her father have nothing to do with punishment for the past, even though I know they both have said that. There are two reasons for it. First, Penelope needs to have the break she needs, on her own timing, to get strong enough to deal with the emotions that come with seeing her parents, for different reasons. Secondly, both her parents need to come to terms with the behaviors they have that contribute that continued to aggrevate Penelope's trauma so that they won't do it again. In order to do that, they have to look at what they done to know what not to do again.

I had a choice to make Karl out to be a demon, a bottom dweller of a father, a bastard - whatever. Or I could tell Angela and Kathleen that their father loved them and make good sounding excuses for him not being around more. I chose the latter and guess what - they are both highly successful people who now have a decent relationship with their father. I'm glad that worked for you but I don't think they were at risk of RAD, they had you.
It also has made me angry that my daughter, Harriet, has been treated as if she doesn't exist. She has been treated as if she is not a person, as if she has no feelings. I have never treated Harriet badly. I have never yelled at her, even though we have had a couple conversations over the years where she probably didn't like what I had to say, but like I said, if you ask me, I will be honest for the good or bad. I've never called her names, or told her I hated her or anything of the kind. Tell me, how am I suppose to treat her differently than I am? I keep it very cordial and positive. I tell her how things are going with Penelope, the good and the bad. What else do you want me to do? I am waiting.. and working on Molly's healing, but waiting for Harriet to do her part for herself and Penelope and address whatever it is inside her that causes her to hurt Penelope. (Penelope's Psychiatrist in the hospital wrote a formal letter stating that Penelope shouldn't see Harriet until Harriet addresses any drug/alcohol or any other issues that she has that causes her to re-traumatize Penelope via a therapist and then they could be reunited through family therapist sessions once they both were ready.. that was 11 months ago. I know of one therapy appointment she has attended and that was 2 months ago...) But I can't be everything to everyone. I do the best that I can and Molly is first and foremost in my priorities. Above everything else, including myself, my career, my life. It's too bad she is so offended by her percieved maltreatment.
No communication on Mother's Day, or her birthday. In fact, not much communication at all. Phone calls, from my understanding, often do not get returned or if they do get returned, it is after many days have passed. You are right, phone calls are infrequent. As I told Harriet, I can not talk to her while Penelope is around. When Penelope is at school or camp, I am at work. Any personal time or flexibility on my work time is eaten up and then some by Molly's needs. It is honestly rare, that I can call Harriet. I only talk to my mom and my dad. Once in a while my but it's limited too. I told her the only time I can call her is when Penelope is at her tutor's. But I also use that time to go to the grocery store because shopping with is a disaster waiting to happen (so true!). But that's really the best time. So when she calls me on a Thursday, the next time I can call her usually is Tuesday. I have told her over and over again that the best method is email. She gave me her new email address about 3 weeks ago and I have emailed her twice. She left me a message telling me that she got it but her phone wouldn't let her email back and she was going to go to the library.
In fact, one of the reasons I stopped communicating with Penelope - cards, a little money here or there, was also lack of response, or great delay in response so that I was unsure if she even got anything I sent her. The last two email I sent you, you never responded. But I did tell you that she got her money and what she spent it on, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I know that you have sent thank you cards for her to complete and all that, but it's like telling a child who is just rolled around in the mud to not get the carpet dirty. I can't force her to write thank you cards. Not that she wasn't grateful, not that I didn't tell her to and put her in a chair with a pencil and the cards, but I wasn't going to battle her about it. I have much bigger battles. If this emotionally disturbed child's lack of social etiquette is enough for you to not send her cards and notes or whatever, that's unfortunate. Or I guess it's my lack of parenting abilities that you are punishing her for? I'm not sure... Speaking of which, I guess I forgot to address the Mother's Day and Penelope's birthday issue. I don't even know when Harriet's birthday is. But, like Mother's Day, I am not forcing Penelope to do anything that isn't true to her heart and is going to cause her more trauma. I know that you told me the prior Mother's Day, when Harriet called and wanted to talk to Penelope, that I should have made Penelope talk to her, I am still not going to do that. (She said, "Who is the adult there??" when she called me after Harriet called her upset. But Harriet told her I wouldn't let Penelope talk to her when it was Penelope who didn't want to talk. Sarah probably just didn't want to have to backtrack and made an issue out of it anyway.) Penelope doesn't want to talk to Harriet right now. She still has anger towards her. But we talk about letting go of that anger. I talk about hate being a self-destructive emotion and forgiveness being a calming emotion. But she has to come to it on her own. She has anger towards George and definitly Debbie too, but we are talking about Harriet in this forum. Like I said, I've never allowed it, to George''s chagrin, to be all about Harriet.
Harriet is my daughter, despite whatever she has done and despite the fact that she has problems that keep her from supporting herself or even taking very good care of herself. I am essentially her only support. Just as we would all like to see Penelope as a happy, functioning young lady, I would like to see my daughter happy. I know she is unhappy, and not seeing Penelope contributes a piece to her overall unhappiness. But I can only think of Penelope. I will not sacrifice Penelope for Harriet or Geoff. Harriet knows what she needs to do. Penelope needs her to do those things in order to be around Penelope too.. because Penelope needs a chance at having a life. She has worked so hard, I've worked so hard, not that I matter here. But right now, Penelope needs me. So I do matter for her. If Harriet began to see Penelope in all her dysfunction, Penelope would start to die. If you saw what I have seen, you would know that I mean that literally. To have a child threaten and make plans to kill herself, to beg you to kill her and put her out of her misery, to make the most painful agonizing screams and cries using up all her energy until she practically passes out, you would believe me when I tell you that. And I honestly don't know if I could survive starting over all that again.
I'm sure you all feel that you are doiing what's best for Penelope and I have no problem in saying that you have essentially raised Penelope. I do not know if I agree with what is going on now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I do not agree. I am doing what is best for Penelope, proof is in the pudding. I forgive you.
One question - Is it truly Penelope's choice not to see Harriet? No, it's not Penelope's choice. She didn't ask the doctors and specialists not to see Harriet, but she hasn't asked to see her either.
Or has Penelope been told it's not good for her to see Harriet right now? No, Penelope hasn't asked to see Harriet. Not yet at least. I hope that someday she will want to because I don't want her to have hate in her heart for her anymore.
Or has Penelope been led to believe that Harriet does not even want to see her now? No, Penelope has been told that Harriet wants her to get stronger (which is the term we use to talk about her level of health) and is giving Penelope the time and space she needs in order to do that.
Does Penelope know that Harriet DOES want to see her? Not directly, no. I tell Penelope that I talk to Harriet and she calls wanting to know how she is doing and that she is happy to hear when she is getting stronger. So indirectly yes. Penelope has had too much issues with guilt in letting Harriet down causing her to do the things she has done to Penelope. She is told that she loves her and is proud of her progress.