Surviving the Holidays

Penelope is surviving the holidays but so symptomatic. Worse than usual, since winter break started. I'm glad it will be over at the end of the week and she will be back in school and her normal schedule come Monday. I suspect that the first few days of school are not going to go well, but it's a hurdle to better days so we will push on.
I've been trying to plan some fun events for Penelope and I, to have structure and a schedule during this break, but I don't think I'm doing the right things. Actually, I know I am not. I'm struggling just keeping things together. Her first day of break, I tried to spring a surprise on her which backfired. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I was thinking how I had been planning it for months, originally when she was doing a lot better than she is now - and I still went through with it. She has a dear friend that she hasn't seen since the summer, and I arranged a surprise visit with lunch and a movie. Her friend hid behind the last row in my mom's SUV and popped out "Surprise!" Penelope loved it and was so excited to see her friend. She was reeling and so thankful but when lunch and the movie was over, she couldn't handle that. She wanted it to continue and it just wasn't possible. Her friend had to go home and she doesn't live nearby. The ride home and the rest of the evening, Penelope sulked and was upset.
This isn't the first time that this issue of her attitude at the end of an event or day of extreme fun ruins the entire day. Her one therapist, Carrie, calls it "Too much of heaven." Too much fun. Never enough from her perspective. It's hard because, like I said, it was something that has been in the works, coordinating with her friend and her friends mom for a while now. It's hard to see her so ungrateful, but I also know she just isn't dealing well right now with the holidays. Neither am I which is making it practically impossible to be strong enough for her.
I could tell that, even though Penelope wasn't aggressive/angry anymore, she still had a bit of anxiety and fear going on related to the letter she wrote for Harriet. I spoke to her about her feelings about the letter some more, and she was still stressing out about the letter. She knew Harriet was going to read the letter and she was afraid Harriet was going to seek revenge and do something to either her or I. She didn't know that Harriet had already seen the letter, and I hadn't yet given Penelope the presents Harriet and her mom had sent with me. Penelope didn't know about the meeting I had with them. It was enough pressure for her to just write the letter knowing that her mom was going to read it at some point in the future, let alone that next day. So I didn't want to alarm her by divulging what really went on. I waited until a few days later and told her that Beth had spoken to Harriet and read her the letter. That Harriet said she understood and she wanted to go to therapy and that Beth had offered to help her get into therapy. All that was true. Unforutnetly, Penelope didn't buy what Harriet said. She said that Harriet lied and that she is a liar and she just doesn't want Beth to know that she is going to do something bad. I used the opportunity of giving Penelope the presents as a means to let her know that Harriet wasn't mad at her for the letter and hopefully help her calm down. She seemed to calm down and agree that Harriet must not be mad at her if she sent presents but her behavior is still on high alert. So, I'm just hoping with the holidays over soon, that she can move past this. I know I need her to as much as she needs to.
Also, the few days before Christmas, Penelope went to a winter break activity program that our community set up for middle school kids. It sounded like fun, just a couple hours a day M-W. A short break for me which was nice. I scheduled it for all the available days, M-W this week and last. However, this week, I didn't let her go. I am not sure how to explain the way that Penelope socializes. I don't see it since it's not there, it's just my analysis based on what I know about her, and what she tells me and what I hear from Mrs. Brown. Penelope tends to gravitate, or attract girls who see Penelope as a project. Penelope likes the attention. She likes people fussing over her. But she has such low self-esteem, despite how she talks and acts, that she doesn't care if these kids walk all over her or talk down to her. She is okay being the baby as long as she is in charge. She manipulates them in this way, by being the center of attention - the project. Well, supposedly, there is a boy that went to the program on Tuesday that is a grade above Penelope and likes her. Penelope doesn't have an opinion one way or the other about it, but is super excited that he likes her. Don't get me wrong, this little girl is totally boy crazy. She will tell you that she has had over 25 boyfriends in her life, has "made out... with tongue and everything" and doesn't have a problem with it. She is twelve. TWELVE! Now, I'm not sure how she defines "boyfriend" because once she talked about how she was dating this particular boy for a "few hours." But, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she has "made out" with a boy. I know that she has gotten into trouble for trying to kiss a boy, has asked for kisses and things along those lines. The boys in her class are so clueless, it's my saving grace - for the meantime. However, she doesn't think anything of it. She doesn't care that it draws negative attention to her. She doesn't care she is too young - she doesn't care that she knows she is this boy crazy because she was sexually molested when she was a lot younger. She doesn't care. She likes how it makes her feel, the attention she gets. Now, you might think, "You can't keep her away whenever there is a boy that likes her" and you are right. I don't even try to guilt her or tell her boys are bad or anything like that. I know she has these feelings and I acknowledge them - I don't promote them but just listen to her tell me what is going on. But this situation is different. So there is this "older" boy who likes her. She never once said she liked or disliked him but was so excited that this boy likes her. A couple girls at the program who have taken Penelope on as a project are trying to "help" her with this boy and tell her how to wear her hair on Monday and what to wear etc. The thing is, I don't trust these little girls - sometimes Penelope picks these "helper" types that sincerely want to help Penelope. But then, she also tends to find these gaggle of girls who really don't care about Penelope and her feelings, and just want something to do that is exciting. So I could totally see this situation turn really bad with the thought "Now, they are boyfriend/girlfriend. 'I dare you too....'" type of situation. Penelope would do it. When I talked to her about the fact that you don't go out with a boy just because he likes you, she said "I wouldn't want to be rude. I don't want hurt his feelings" Yeah, that's the reassuring mentality I need to hear. "I had sex with him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings." Ugh. And I'm trying to say that Penelope is going into this whole situation niave and just caving to peer pressure - she thoroughly enjoys this stuff and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't the initiator of any inappropriateness with the boy. She just likes to hang her hat on "I didn't want to be rude" or "They told me to." She is an expert manipulator.
So she didn't get to go to the activity program this week and we've been together 24/7 for too many days in a row. I am struggling big time. I am snapping at her, and just having an overall hard time parenting her with the right mindset.
My mother scheduled a doctor's appointment for me, concerned about my extreme depression and some other medical issues. She scheduled me with her doctor and made some payment arrangement with them. She prescribed some anti-depressants and is doing bloodwork on the rest of the stuff. My mom had let her in on why I am depressed. She wanted to talk about that and even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry, I sobbed. I couldn't help it. She talked about how I need to be a role-model for Penelope and take care of myself. Not let Penelope be an excuse for not taking care of myself. I don't consider her an excuse but I definitely feel like it takes every ounce of energy to take care of her, and I being second, there isn't anything left for me. But I know, I KNOW, I know that if I take care of myself better it will be easier to take care of Penelope. I think I've crossed that line where is not possible to turn back without significant help. Penelope bounces back from her downturns. I just stay here, and then when she has another downturn, I sink deeper into my own hole.
I had a really long talk a couple of days ago with Penelope's tutor who is so awesome. I consider her my friend and I wish I was a better friend. I tend to blow off or alienate my friends. I just don't want to burden them with my problems and I am utterly consumed with them. And because my brain doesn't work properly these days, and there is a holiday or some break in routine, it throws me off and I ended up missing a tutoring session. She calls and I can't call her back because I feel so bad about it. It's stupid I know. And she is understanding about it, but I still feel bad. I know she has a hard time with the holidays too for other reasons, and I wish I could be there for her as much as she has been there for me, but I am spent - my brain is mush so when I go to reach for something appropriate to say I end up saying "oh.. um.." I care for her alot and she loves Penelope and I am so happy we met her.
My dad is also wonderful. I think I'm the only one in my family who thinks that, and maybe that's just the father/daughter thing - but I just know that I don't know where I'd be, where Penelope would be without him. He told me he is going to save my house for me. It's going to be expensive but he is going to figure it out. He says that we have put too much into it, to let it go. Penelope needs to stay in the school she is in because she has such a great support system there - and she does. It's taken several years to build the relationship with the school that we have and Penelope wouldn't cope well starting over somewhere else.
Speaking of father/daughter relationships - Penelope got to spend Christmas with George. It was planned that way, and she for the most part did well. She split her time between her dad and her cousins. But at the end of the day, she totally went into little girl - mode and tried to take care of her dad, offering to get him things, wanting to sit on his lap, then eventually laying on him. He didn't try to stop it, and promoted the behavior by asking her to do things for him and telling her "Daddy has a comfy lap, doesn't he?" Yeah... I was very uncomfortable with this and got her to go take her desert plate to the kitchen sink. He used that opportunity to get up and get ready to leave - since he should have left 30 minutes earlier based on the fact he had to be somewhere and was going to be late at this point.
I talked to him at length yesterday about the whole thing, trying to keep things positive and productive. I started by telling him about Penelope's issue with the boy at the winter program and her attitude towards boys and how he could help in that department by building a healthy father/daughter relationship with her because girls tend to go into relationships with boys based on things they have learned through their relationship with their father. Respect, self-esteem, boundaries, etc. I asked him if he understood what I was talking about. He said he did, but he didn't necessarily agree. Of course not, he'd hate to think Penelope would have adopted the same mentality she has taken with her Daddy "I didn't want to hurt his feelings (and be rejected)" and it end up possibly being his fault.
I talked to him about the visit on Christmas and how overall it was good, with that "glitch" and how I take that as the visit was too long and Penelope wasn't strong enough to keep up the boundaries and let it slip back into the old type of relationship that itsn't healthy etc. He agreed but when I talked to him about his part in it, he was full of excuses. I told him that some of these things in a normal situation wouldn't be any issue, but being in a place where the relationship was unhealthy and trying to rebuild it requires more defined boundaries. He admitted that it did make him uncomfortable to have her sitting on his lap and lay back on him. I said "Good! So you felt that boundary being crossed. But why didn't you say anything?" He said, "I was trying to think of something to say but then you said that thing about taking the plate to the kitchen before I had a chance to." I had to think about that but I called him on his BS. When I walked into the room, he was sitting on the floor leaning back with his upper back against a sofa watching TV. Penelope was kneeling between his legs. I was thinking "Um, okay.. what is going on" but I just stood there and waited to see what was next. My Dad and other brother were also in the room watching TV. They tend to stay out of these things and let me be the bearer of bad news. A few seconds later, George and Penelope positioned themselves where Penelope is sitting in his lap and laying back against him. I still didn't say anything but not liking it. Penelope said "You are a comfy chair." George said "Daddy does have a compfy lap, doesn't he?" and she said "Daddy has always had a compfy lap." At that point, I wanted to end it and came up with the plate bit. He was quiet, he knew I was telling the truth about what went down and the timeline. He had plenty of opportunity to stop it but instead decided he'd rather tell her that he liked it by making the comment he did. But, again, trying to keep things positive, I told him that they both have a lot of work to do and it's work in progress and that I see it as a learning opportunity. He said he didn't know what to say to her. I told him I didn't see anything wrong with him just being straightforward and telling her something like "I don't think this is a good idea for helping us have a good relationship. I want that for us." etc or whatever was more natural for him. He said he doesn't want to have her feel rejected. This is the thing - George likes to hang his hat on this excuse. I do believe he wants her to not feel rejected, but it's all about the delivery. But telling her "No" in these types of situations goes against his need to put himself first and get those warm and fuzzies he gets when Penelope lays on top of him. Or treats him like the king he wants to be and she falls back into that Queen role, taking care of her king. It's the relationship he prefers. She knows no other relationship.
My twin brother told me that he had spoken to George since my conversation, and that George was all pissed about how I had a problem with what happened on Christmas and tried to make the excuses with him, even though I had shut them down. He blamed Penelope wanting to act that way and he didn't want to reject her or hurt her feelings. So I just feel like George, again, is fighting any accountability or acknowledging that his actions have any power over how Penelope can heal because in order to do that, he has to admit that his actions also had hurt her. He feels that he should be able to do whatever he wants, and all Penelope's problems are due to her "illness caused by her mother." I wish he'd get his head out of his butt.
I had already made the decision to put Penelope on birth control but that's going to prevent only one problem - significant as that one may be, but not a slew of others.
But, we are spending New Years' with my mom and going to do girl stuff. My dad is out of town at a football game with a bunch of his buddies.

Meeting with Harriet

Yesterday was that eventful day that I was dreading. I wasn't dealing well with the stress and worrying about this meeting and the potential outcome. On top of all the other stress going on right now, I got emotional several times yesterday before and after the meeting. I just kept reminded myself that the ultimate goal was to talk Harriet out of seeing Molly. It has been thrown around that it wouldn't be horrible for Penelope to see her mom, that Penelope is stronger now and because she has me, she doesn't live or die by Harriet anymore. But I don't think we really understood how angry Penelope still really is. I knew she was still angry, but it was more of a disgust than rage. But we all really learned how much pure hate she still has for Harriet via her behavior this past week and the letter she wrote.
Harriet brought her mom, Sarah, with her, which I was happy about. That way Harriet couldn't spin or lie about what was said. As usual, they were cordial and friendly in a very formal way. Fake, really. My tolerance for the fakeness has really evaporated over the past year. But I was good, and limited my interjections to explaining Penelope's behavior and to answer questions. Harriet was present, but really didn't say a whole lot. Sarah did more talking than she did. And her mom was more honest about her feelings - which was actually nice for a change. Let's get it out. The thing is though is I'm done defending or explaining myself. If she wants to think of me as a horrible person who has maliciously been out to hurt Harriet and heartlessly used Penelope as my pawn to do that, that's fine. She doesn't care enough to do anything about those feelings, so it doesn't matter.
Not just Beth, the lead therapist, but Carrie, the other therapist was able to be there. I had brought a folder of drawings, letters, hospital stuff and general stuff related to Penelope's RAD and abuse. Beth started talking about how far Penelope has come in therapy and how long she has been a client. She then showed them the journal Penelope kept while she was in the hospital right before she became a client. She pointed out the name Penelope had written on the front "The killing drawing book." She flipped the cover open and Harriet said "Oh my God!" The first page was in bold big letters "F*CK YOU!!" and the next page was a drawing of a middle finger with at tattoo on the hand with writing around it that said "MOMMY, F*CK YOU BICHE" and so on. There were drawing of Harriet's death, a note asking for water but not with poison. There was a drawing of a cigarette and Penelope asking for one. It was bad. Harriet said "I didn't know she used that language!" I said "She doesn't! She won't even tolerate anyone else cuss." They told Harriet she was psychotic. Carrie talked about how Penelope's brain works and talked about bioneurofeedback. Sarah had a lot of questions about that and explained she has a degree in psychology. The reason I roll my eyes at that is that there is this "I'm a highly educated person so I know everything" persona that Sarah tries to take. I think it could also be "just because Harriet is the way she is, doesn't mean she takes after me." I can understand that. A bit of shame or embarassment. I wouldn't claim her either. However, she is yours and you can't deny that. Anyway, at this point Beth told them about Penelope being asked to write Harriet a letter about her feelings after discussing her opinion about seeing Harriet. Beth then read the letter. This is the part that I had to hold back the tears. Penelope's letter is so honest and to have Harriet here it and to learn from Penelope how she feels is a first. I've talked about it with Harriet but I've had to soften it a great deal because Harriet couldn't deal with it. Here it is, in a pretty direct way. Harriet just sat there and listened. She seemed a little upset but she didn't cry, which I don't know how you could here that letter about yourself from your daughter and NOT cry. After the letter was read, Harriet didn't say anything but Sarah said "I have a question about the writing of that letter. Did she write the letter here? Or did she write it with her (pointing at me)." Figures... So I lied. I lied and said "She wrote it with her tutor." I know Sarah doesn't trust me and no matter what I say, she still feels that way. So instead of explain myself or allow her to dismiss Penelope's feelings but hanging it on a totally false opinion, I lied. I explained how hard it was for Penelope to sit down and write the letter over the weekend, and the stress of it was so extreme she couldn't function at school, so I decided she needed help writing the letter. Sarah then wanted to know if I was with Penelope when she was with the tutor. Whatever lady. She said it doesn't sound like Penelope. And if it was Penelope, that words were put in her mouth. How when she went on vacation with her a year ago last summer, and Penelope had brought her friend with her, that Penelope acted so much younger than her. Both Beth and Carrie explained how Penelope sometimes acts like she is 3 and sometimes she is 16. But also pointed out how much she has grown and healed. That seemed to satisfy Sarah but I could read on her face she wasn't buying it. She wanted to know Harriet is suppose to prove to Penelope she won't hurt her again if she isn't allowed to see her. They said "Therapy." To show Penelope that she is trying and working on herself by going to therapy. Then we spent the next 10-15 minutes talking about Harriet's financial and medical problems and how she doesn't have gas money and how hard it's been to get into therapy because the place she goes to has a lot of people going there etc. Most of those excuses were from Sarah ironically. Sarah said she'd pay for Harriet's gas for her doctor's appointment for the medical condition if she'd just make the appointment as a side sneer toward Harriet. Beth and Carrie offered to advocate for her with her caseworker and that the caseworker can provide transportation services. They would help get her in therapy if she wants it. She said she does. Beth told her to call and leave a voicemail of her caseworker's name and contact information and she will contact him. Harriet didn't have the contact info with her. Sarah made a point to express to Harriet she WILL have done that before Beth returns to the office on Tuesday. She obviously knows how Harriet is about doing what she is suppose to do and all her excuses. I wanted to bring up that she has told George she doesn't plan on going to therapy, doesn't want to, and doesn't have to. If she wanted to, wouldn't she have figured out how to do it by now? I didn't bring that up though. Penelope's ATs have removed her excuses and the only way she won't be going is if she says "I don't want to go." They were great about letting her now, in a very respectful and professional way that they don't tolerate crap. They don't let Penelope hide behind excuses or play the victim. She understood. She asked if there was anything else she can do. They just said to do the therapy and be dedicated to getting what help she needs.
Harriet then did say that she didn't want to upset Penelope and will wait until she is ready to see her. Yeah! Thank GOD.
There were other things discussed but that was the important part. Beth and Carrie made a point to explain that this hasn't been all about her, that George has been talked to and has had limited access to Penelope (which is more than she has) and that they had recommended to him that he should go to therapy too, and he has been going. Sarah wanted to make sure he was still going. Yes.. But Sarah also tried to throw me under the bus and say that I told her that she can't see Penelope either. I don't remember ever saying that and said so. She said that she has an email that says that. I told her that I have always understood it from her that she doesn't want to see Penelope while Harriet isn't able to see her, that she felt like she was crossing a line. She said that wasn't the case etc. I found the email that she sent 3 months after Penelope was in the hospital that said "I know I haven't communicated in a while. There were reasons, mostly having to do with my feeling disloyal to Harriet. That might not make any sense to you and I understand that." I did also find an email from a year ago that I sent Sarah saying that I thought it was best that she not see Penelope while she was in the hospital because of how bad (psychotic) she was, but she is stronger now. I did say that because she was currently going through a bad period, that I have scaled back her world and who she sees and where she goes - that the structure helps her. But I never said she can't see her. But I can see how someone could read into that way if they wanted to see Penelope like within the next couple of weeks. But she rarely asked how she was doing and never asked about seeing her again. She has been so evasive of the whole situation, I'm not going to push Penelope on her. I do know after the first hospitalization, I stopped allowing Sarah have Penelope without me there. We went to a butterfly exhibit. She didn't like that I invited myself along with her and Harriet. Tough, I know Sarah believes that Penelope has been fed bad things about Harriet, and I was not going to put Penelope in a position to be interrogated.
Anyway, the meeting ended with Harriet being allowed to send letters to Penelope via Beth and Carrie (at my request). We will discuss how ready Penelope is to see Grandma Sarah. But we are going to wait until after the holidays. I just want to get through the holidays.
Oh, I almost forgot. Harriet gave me a grocery bag with some wrapped presents for Penelope. Sarah gave me a bag as well. The presents from Harriet is Penelope's Christmas gifts. She said that, like that afghan she was going to make for Penelope, that quilt she switched to was also going to take to long (DUH!) and she will make something eventually but not in time for Christmas. I put the presents in the farthest back part of my vehicle. I have my mom's oversized SUV, so it's pretty far back under and behind things. You will understand in a moment why I point that out..
Well, that meeting ended about 2 1/2 hours before our regular AT appointment. My mom had picked up Penelope from school and brought her up for me, since it's over an hour away from home. Beth looked like a whipped puppy when I came in for that session. I think she was almost as nervous as I was about it, but she said she just had a busy day running family errands. But we talked about the meeting and how we thought it went. I told her how I wasn't handling it well during it because I just am tired of the fakeness. I just hope there was some sincerity behind it. She agreed they seemed fake but sometimes that is just how things have to start. I understood. I think this session was more a wind down from that meeting for her and I. She did tell me that Carrie's opinion of Harriet - I think it's the first time she has met her - is that Harriet isn't all there. That she told Beth that after the meeting. I can see how Harriet came across like that. Her lack of emotion and speaking. It was wierd. Her face is hard to read, not that it's like stone, but just she always has this bewildered expression. Sometimes her eyes will flicker when she is mad but you really don't know until she starts talking or gets up and stomps off. When Penelope was done with her brain training (bioneurofeedback) we talked mostly about her letter and her feelings and how she felt before and after and all that.
When we got into the SUV to leave, Penelope said "What is that smell?? It stinks!.... Did you see Heather today?" It was Heather's gifts. They reak. They smell like smoke and poo. I have gone through them and it seems she did make a scarf and bought some knit gloves, a couple little handheld games and a DVD. I had to check because last Christmas Harriet told me she bought her some books, but one was a journal and it had this long letter to Penelope and said "I'm sorry you feel like I hurt you. I hope you are able to deal with it." Yeah. Her presents last year stunk too. I found Penelope spraying the books and the pages down with some watermelon body spritz to cover the stink.

Poetry by Penelope

I heard from Mrs. Brown, Penelope's Teacher, that Penelope has been writing some really great poems. I asked Penelope about them and she showed me some of them that I would like to share.

To the Moon Mr. Toon

Oh, Mr. Toon, can I go to the moon?
Yes, I know the moon is so far from my room.
I guess I would make a mess.
But, Please Mr. Toon!
Oh, I see you say NO!

Many Things to Say.

One day I am here, and the next day I am over there.
I am hot. I am cold.
The lights flicker beneath my hold.
I stand on northing, while you stand on the landing.
The lights would not burn me, so you say.
I'm not hot or cold?
Well, you are wrong.
The colors pink and black look the same.
You will not say the word I much would love to say.
Water is like dry, dry dirt.

My Bathroom!

My I go to the bathroom now?
Oh, please can I go to the bathroom Mommy?
Well, now I don't need to.
Why you say?!
Well, me went pee pee on the floor!
And Mommy, I went #2 in your bed.
Ha, Ha, Ha, He, He, He, Ho, Ho, Ho!

(Untitled)

Falling, Falling, and Falling all over again.
I can not stop Falling, For I do not come to a stop.
Here I come down to the big black dewy hole.
Oh, now my days are poorly gone.

<3 :) love my mommy :) <3

Do you have a heart of the King?
Do you have the heart of the Queen?
And the Prince, and Princess?
Well then I love you my dear mommy!
And no matter what I will still love you!
Mommy I love you :) <3

Sleeping

Sleeping, sleeping, and sleeping.
I can not go to sleep.
When I sleep you would not see me up again.

Santa got run over by Harriet

Harriet didn't actually run over Santa, but she might as well have the way Penelope is dealing with Harriet and Christmas. Penelope hasn't been doing well, overall for quite some time. Some days I get a reprieve, but usually she is struggling with giving up control and all that entails. But, then over this past weekend, she spiraled pretty quickly.
It took a couple of days to finger the root cause of the problem. The Letter. The one she was to write to Harriet about her feelings. She was assigned this task at therapy this past Thursday. It is due this coming Thursday, but it was to be done over the weekend. It did not get done. I didn't push very hard, but reminded her and even scheduled it into our time. But she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Sunday evening she really started having problems with lying, baby talk, going into a fantasy world, and just overall acting really weird. Monday morning the aggression jumped on and it went down hill. Mind you, she hasn't been violent, just angry, grumpy and argumentative. But it's escalated and violence would probably be the next step. I discussed with her teacher removing her from school for part days if not the rest of the week with her behavior the way it is and do some "chore therapy" as I call it.
After we ruled out school-related issues, we determined all this has to do with The Letter and her anxiety over knowing she still had to do it and she was freaking out about it. So, the last effort before removing her from school for the rest of the week, is to just sit down together and hash out this letter.
But one of the things that happened today that Penelope had to deal with, is a debate over if Santa is real. Yes, Penelope is 12 years old. But emotionally, depending on how strong she is at the moment, her age fluctuates. She still believes in Santa. Part of me said she really doesn't, she just thinks she will get more presents. Well, I learned today, that is not the case. At some point during the day, her class was giving a break to go to the restroom. Three girls from her class told her that Santa Claus isn't real. That really upset Penelope. She defended his existence as any Santa fanatic wood. And then one of the girls said "He can't get his fat *ss down the chimney." She then told them that cussing is a sin. (Thanks George) and they laughed at her. The girls got into trouble and another teacher took Penelope into a room to discuss the topic of "Is Santa real?" Those poor teachers. So far this year, they have had to talk about whether Santa is real, and "Is Penelope a lesbian?" They handle these things so well though.
On the way home, Penelope talked about what happened, and flat out asked me if Santa was real. Ugh. I don't want to lie. So I tried to put a spin on it, similar to what the teacher said. I told her I believed in the spirit of Santa. But she wanted to know the nitty gritty. Who puts the presents under the tree? I then decided, as not to totally lie to her, that us parents are helpers for Santa. We do the dirty work why he dos the rest. The downside of a 12 year old still believing in Santa - they can see threw your crap. She started wailing like I just told her I killed her cat. Then she got mad at me "Santa IS real. You just don't believe! You are lying to me! He is real!" I caved. "Okay, whatever you say. I'm glad you believe he is real!" On a serious note, I do think she would have been better about demystifying Santa if she was healthier. She is struggling right now, like I said, and clinging to a fantasy world, where Christmas traditions are the #1 priority in everyone's lives, and she was a little girl again with all that magic and naivety. She was crying because it's too real for her right now. She feels safer in a story, or movie like Polar Express, which we watched on Saturday with her cousins. We need to get this letter written ASAP so she can safely approach Planet Earth again.
So Penelope and I sat down and wrote this letter. Penelope was pretty emotional during the writing of the letter. She sobbed at points, was so upset at one point she became sick to her stomach, almost deliriously giddy at another, and just an anxious wreck most of the time. But she was able to keep it together with the help of a pillow to scream into, some breaks to take deep breaths, sitting 20 feet from the paper I wrote on, and a heart to heart talk with me holding her like a baby on my lap. I will admit, it was very heart wrenching for me to. She is so insightful and to hear her pain and how she understands what is going on moved me to tears a couple times during the writing. Fortunately with her 20 feet away, she didn't notice.

Here is the letter.

Hello,

I want you to stop hurting me. I’m not ready to see you because you will hurt me again. You will never see me again if you hurt me again. How did you hurt me? You hurt me a lot. You hurt me by running away three times. You hurt me by saying “I love you.” It hurts because you really don’t love me the way you should love me. If you did, you wouldn’t have run away the three times or cancelled seeing me all the time.
You don’t love me the right way. It was like you really didn’t love me. You didn’t want to see me. You cancelled our visits, or left early or ran away. I never knew if you were going to be there. I counted on it so much and you threw me away. Then after a while you got me out of the trash can and then threw me away again. You will probably do it again.
I don’t like how you dye your hair black. You promised me you won’t do that but you do it over and over again. You don’t take care of yourself when you do that. If you don’t care about yourself, how can you care about me?
You make me so angry I just want to throw something, or hurt somebody. You make me want to hurt you sometimes. Throw things until you are black and blue and hurt as bad as I do. You sometimes make me want to hurt my Aunt and I hate you for that. I want to hurt her because she is like a mom and you have hurt me so much but she is here to hurt.
I want you to get help so you won’t hurt me. Why did you run away all those times? I use to think it was my fault. What did I do wrong?? I must be a bad person for you to hate me that much. But I know now it’s not my fault.
I haven’t seen you in a long time. It was good for me not to see you. It helped me reorganize my life. It helped me heal and get strong. I am healthier and happier. But I’m not ready to see you until you can prove to me you won’t hurt me again.

Another week gone, the start of a new one...

Some weeks are more eventful than others. I prefer the uneventful weeks right now. Not many events are good ones and if they are, then end poorly because Penelope can't handle too much good before she wrecks it. This issue used to be worse for her, but it's never been as severe as stories I've heard. Penelope will ruin her good time by setting unrealistic expectations and then throw the biggest fit if they are not met. When you make some big gesture of your love to her, she accuses you of doing it for because "you have to" for the show of it, not that it is sincere.
When I returned home this morning from taking Penelope to school, I saw this broken folding TV tray in my garage. It should be thrown out. It reminded me how it got broken and just how hard it was to learn to control my anger with Penelope. How hard she used to try to push me away, and how sometimes she was so successful at it.
I broke that TV tray a little over a year ago. Broke one of the brackets off underneath it, that holds the tray up. It was late fall, and Penelope had a little cold. I made her chicken noodle soup for lunch. She wanted to watch TV in my room while she ate her soup. So I set up the TV tray with her soup, and some crackers where she could sit on the end of my bed and watch cartoons. I went into the kitchen to retrieve her drink and I heard a big crash and her scream and start wailing. I ran into my room not sure what to expect. Her explanation was that she had tried to eat her soup but was so hot, it burned her mouth causing her to drop the bowl and some of the hot soup got on her leg which was why she was screaming. I can totally see that happen and it be a mistake. But evidence was to the contrary. The entire bowl was empty. The bowl was one of those kinds that looks like a huge coffee cup with a handle on it. So it has high sides. There was soup, chicken and noodles all over about a 4 foot by 4 foot section of my bed, which the covers had been pulled back to expose the sheets - which meant the soup would have penetrated the mattress. And then there was more soup and noodles etc. on the floor in a splatter pattern, with the broken bowl next to it. The mess! I stripped her jeans off her - to attend to any possible alleged skin burns first. No burns. Barely a drop of soup on her. It just confirmed for me that she did it on purpose. I was so pissed, alarms were going off in my head. In a split second of rage, when I picked up the TV tray to move it away so I could start cleaning up my room, I threw it into the hallway and it crashed on the hardwood floor.
It was a heavy wood one and it made such a racket that it scared the tar out of both of us. It shocked me into a better way of thinking. I immediately calmed down and reassessed the situation. Penelope is not burned which is most important. I don't have to clean up the mess - she does so why am I fretting? I said "Start pulling the linens off the bed while I get you a roll of paper towels and a plastic bag." I never chastised her for what she did or even reminded her how wrong it was of her.
One thing I have learned is that these kids do not do these things because they don't know better. They do it to push your buttons in order to push you away. Their tolerance of being hated, yelled at, even hit, is so high that if you did these things, it would just be proof to them that you can't handle it - you are not capable of taking care of them. They are evil and no one is capable of taking care of an evil child so you might as well give up on them now. They are the only ones that can take care of themselves. That's how they think.
But what they have a hard time dealing with is having someone show them love, unconditionally. Unwaivering. A person who can put up with all the crap they dish out - and still love them? Doesn't judge them? Doesn't hate them? Still puts them first?
Was Penelope pouring her soup all over my room the worst thing she has ever done? Not in the least. Was it the last thing she ever did like that? Far from it. Did she pour soup or anything of the sort like it ever again? Nope - never again.
She came close to getting my goat, but she didn't. If she had, she very likely would have done it again or something similiar. If I had yelled at her, or grounded her, or punished her in a different way, she would know a way that would get to me and use it to get to me when she wanted to.
She had figured out buttons of mine as I went through the process of reprogramming. She knew telling me her dad was better at taking care of her than me pissed me off. Homework used to be a huge battle for us. Her treatment of my cat would set me off. Her "baby talk" as I call it, her farting on me, hygiene issues, lies, stealing, wetting the bed. I had to address each of them differently to get them to go away.
My philosophy became "If it doesn't work, stop doing it." If punishments, and yelling don't work, then why do it?" I think that reprogramming has really become ingrained for me. Where I see other parents get so frustrated when they have to repeat themselves over and over again yelling each time - doesn't work. I've been there, but I've learned it's like that story about putting 50 cents in a pop machine and nothing coming out, so then you put in another 50 cents and still nothing.. do you put in another 50 cents? NO.
Same thing, without identified intellectual issues, these kids tend to be pretty smart. They know. So, they heard you the first time, why sound like a broken record? If they "forget" they won't again after having to deal with a consequence. Penelope "forgets" alot - selectively. It's amazing some of the stuff she remembers, when it's convenient for her, but forgets she was suppose to do a particular chore or what not. Yeah right.

Penelope has had a on and off week this past week - and this is her last week before winter break. I'm just looking forward to getting past the holidays with her, successfully. She had a rough day at school, staying focused, staying awake, being present mentally, and not being injured. She has a big test on Wednesday - that I officially don't care about - but really am concerned about her being ready. I'll help her study if she asks, and I really hope she asks. Otherwise, she is on her own. If I make it important to me, then she struggles. It's amazing, when I "stopped caring" her grades went from Fs to As and Bs. She gets a lot of help from other people but I'm not one of them... unless she asks. I just hope she asks.

I'm still fretting over my meeting with Harriet. I've decided Harriet knowing she is nolonger "Mom" under every scenerio would be counter-productive. So, we are not going to go there. I need to call the therapist. I don't want Penelope to lie, but we are going to have to work something out for this letter she has to write.. and if our meeting fails, when she sees her. Ugh. Penelope could easily use this as a means to hurt Harriet for spite - not realizing how it could potentially backfire on her. This is going to be a dreaded eventful week.

Harriet...sweet Harriet...

"Harriet..sweet Harriet..." is for those who have seen "So I Married An Ax Murder." I loved that Movie. Have it on VHS. It's a movie from 1993, before DVDs! (I think.) But it's kind of fitting as I think Harriet is probably going to try to come kill me in about a week from now. Ugh.

So we had attachment therapy last night, our regular scheduled appointment. There was no brain training because the one therapist was off. So, I spoke with the head therapist for about 30 minutes and we brought Penelope in afterward. Penelope doesn't know that her therapists and I are meeting with Harriet and her mother next week, a couple hours before her next week's appointment. As I stated in a previous post, Harriet has asked to see Penelope for the Christmas holiday and she wants her back in her life. Now, you also should know from the post that Harriet hasn't seen her in 16 months.. going on 17 months. It was recommended by the treating psychiatrist during Penelope's last hospital stay in the mental ward that Penelope not see Harriet until she seeks therapy in order to stop continuing the abuse on her daughter, at which point, they would see eachother in a family therapy setting - and then eventually, as the healing continues the visits would change as things progress. Makes sense right? Well, Harriet hasn't refused to go to therapy but just hasn't figured out how to get there.. in the last 17 months. She either got lost on the way, was too anxious to travel that day, or whatever...
Therapy actually went really well yesterday for Penelope. We discussed her visit with her father and how he apologized to Penelope for the mistakes he made and not putting her first in his decisions with Debbie. He could have left "with Debbie" off and made it a general statement because it was not only with Debbie, the second wife. But it's a start. For both of them. Penelope has to learn to allow it to be okay for his sake, but to say "You are right, you were wrong and I'm mad about that. But I love and we will get through it" instead of "It's okay Dad." It's not okay. But George needs to hold himself accountable for his other transgressions that he is still struggling seeing as a problem. But like I said, it's a start. But I really think, opening that door in their relationship, is why Penelope hasn't had a meltdown this past week. She is still struggling with the holidays in general, but I'm being more selective with my battles with her because I know she is struggling and I don't want to make it harder for her.
The therapist told Penelope that having Dad at the family Christmas celebrations is okay which she was happy about. Knowing that Penelope may soon be having a visit with Harriet, used the topic of seeing her dad to transition into talking about the scenerio of seeing Harriet. Penelope, without hesitation said "Not for a long while" in that she doesn't want to see her for a long while. She said "I'm not ready to see her. I don't want to see her." When asked why she felt that way, she said "She is not ready to see me. She hasn't gone to therapy. Right?" Nope she has not. But the therapist said "What if you saw her anyway?" She said "But she isn't ready." Which the therapist replied, "Would you tell her that? That she's not ready?" Penelope said she would tell her.
Penelope's attitude was very aloof. Kinda passive aggressive. She didn't like the topic of Harriet but knows it's important to talk about. If it were up to her, she'd never seen her again, or at least not for a long indeterminate amount of time. But we all know that's not what is best for her, at least if we still have hope for Harriet to get her act together. Which is the purpose of the meeting. The meeting is going to be painful for Harriet, and probably for everyone there. Harriet is in such denial of what she has done to this little girl and doesn't see how anything she has done or could do could cause any problems. If she continues down that thinking, and doesn't change her actions, she could really damage Penelope even further. Not in the same way she has in the past, but really close this little girl down emotionally.
Penelope doesn't view Harriet the same, so if anything happened, it would be like throwing fuel on the anger and fear that exists in Penelope's heart. I could see her shut down emotionally trying to protect her heart and when she couldn't handle it, really lash out at us. Okay, kinda like where she was the second hospital stay. Before that, it was sobbing and total depression from rejection and a lot of guilt and anxiety. Anxiety is still there but that's from the trauma, it's subconscious. She doesn't feel guilty for her mother's actions, but she is not dealing with guilt for her own actions - hitting me mostly. This is good, in that she know has remorse but it's just one more thing she has to deal with. I told her I forgive her but she has to forgive herself and she still holds on to that.
Anyway, the therapist brought up how she remembers when she first met Penelope, Penelope said that she needed to see her mom, that she can't live without seeing her mom. But look how she has gotten stronger and how she feels now. I think the difference is in that Penelope doesn't feel responsible for her parents' anymore. Before, she was so afraid to hurt her mother's feelings and her obsession with needing her mother's love, that she never consistently received. I think it made Penelope think about how she feels about Harriet has changed.
The therapist said it would be great if Penelope wrote Harriet a letter to let her know how she feels. How she doesn't think she is ready to see her. I said I thought it was a great idea. Penelope said that was fine but that I have her email address. lol. Penelope hates writing in general. She'll speak it if I write it. But, how would you feel about getting a difficult letter from someone in someone else's handwriting? So that will be interesting.
The therapist brought up the fact that Harriet probably doesn't know that she calls me "Mom" now. She called Harriet "your mom" and Penelope corrected her in that I'm her mom. She is Harriet. Penelope said "I can't call her Aunt Madeline anymore. It doesn't feel right. She is my mom and Harriet is Harriet." Penelope said "I'll write it in my letter so she knows." and started air scribing and saying "Aunt Madeline is Mom now, you are Harriet." I was thinking "Oh Sh*t" and started to nervously laugh picturing how well that is NOT going to go over. Penelope asked me what I was laughing about, and I said her air scribing. But the therapist knew.
In seriousness, I have had concerns about the whole "Mom" thing from the beginning. Outside of my own personal issues about my niece calling me Mom, but the fact Penelope isn't mine. Not legally. I am legal guardian and have parental rights to her, but one of her parents could take me to court and have it revoked. It would be challenged of course and be a hot mess.. but it could happen. The plan is to have her permanently but plans can be interrupted. But the therapists knew my status and the parents status and felt that it was still best for Penelope. And it really was. It really helped her to let go of the traditional definition of a Mother and look at the practicual definition "The person who takes care of me, loves me unconditionally, puts me first, keeps me safe, etc." versus "The person who gave birth to me." She really felt like a total outsider, "what did she do wrong to have a mom like this?" She didn't have to explain why she lives with her Aunt Made and why she doesn't live with her Mom to her friends at school. It was a blow to her self-image. She knows I'm not her birthmother but I'm the one who fills the more practical definition. Something her mother couldn't do or she would be with her.
Anyway, I'm really concerned about how Harriet is going to take this news. Her and her mother are so defensive that I can see them accuse me of doing it to drive a wedge between her and her daughter (which isn't exactly false) and that Penelope has been brainwashed and I have caused all her problems (wouldn't be the first time they have made that statement). I just don't see it going well. I'm going to have to figure out what to do about this before next week. I honestly am afraid of what she will do. I have alarms on the doors and windows but there to let me know if Penelope is trying to get out. They won't call the police if someone is trying to break in. Penelope use to have dreams about Harriet wanting to kill her. I think it's my turn.

Goals..

I'm trying to stay positive about the goals I have set. They seem easy don't they? Not so much. This job thing sucks! In my hay-day, anywhere I sent my resume I'd get an interview. I always got an offer. I have even been sought out. Up until now. Now, I can't get a job to save my life. Nothing. Not one thing. I can do so much anywhere, but nothing. It sucks so bad. I know I made the right decision when I quit my job. I think I've done wonders for Penelope. Both her parents, and society in general should kiss my feet for what I've done! Not that I'm looking for that, but I'm just saying I'm saving society and the government from her becoming their problem in the future. Regardless, I quit my job and here I am. I'm not a victim. It was my decision. But that doesn't mean I don't need help. Who can help? I've always been an extremely loyal employee. At one point, I had to terminate the employment of my best friend. I look at it as she terminated herself, but I had to do the deed. It was what was best for the company. Of course, she stiffed me the $300 she owed me for her plane ticket to visit her parents that past Christmas. But anyway, I digress.
If I could just succeed at this goal, the rest will be so much easier. I need to save my house. Maybe I'm being to idealistic in that being important, but I just don't see Penelope doing well at all with having to move. I'd try to stay in the community so she doesn't have to change schools - again. But, there really isn't any apartments here and that's what I'd have to go to.
Of course, my twin brother - who loves to play devils' advocate with me, just to piss me off? I don't know. But he says that it would be best if we moved anyway because Penelope has ruined herself in our community with her pregnancy rumor last year. He thinks I'm a snob, how snobbish is that!? He has no idea. I tell him about my job seeking problems/financial problems and he says, like no big deal "you should be on welfare." Oh, okay. Then he tells me I should be on anti-depressants and I told him I don't have insurance right now. And he says "That's because you don't want to be" referring to the fact I'm not on government assistance. So, he has no sympathy because it's of my own doing. All of this. It's all my fault. Thanks bro. He never offers to help me with Penelope and 99/100 times he turns me down when I ask for him to watch her for an afternoon. But when he needs help with his kids, I get a call or I offer. Why do I offer? Because I care. Penelope loves her cousins. I love them. But then I want to kick myself for offering him something he isn't willing to do for me. But should I think that way? Should I put a deeper wedge in between our relationship than there already is? I can't make him understand. If the tables were turned, I'd want to help - where is this coming from? My parents say it's his wife, my sister-in-law. I like my sister-in-law. We get a long fine. She is hard to read and she always stands emotionally at a distance, but we have never had any problems and usually can have a good laugh when we are around each other. So, I have a hard time with that theory. I also like to think my brother can think for himself and make his own decisions. So when he makes jackass detached comments, I get pissed at him and him alone.

Visit with George

Penelope had her first visit with George since the the beginning of August on Friday. The pressure had been really growing for the visit over the past month. And I honestly want to get past this part of where Penelope's life is at. We just needed it to be when Penelope is ready - and part of her being ready is really when George was ready too. Because "the elephant in the room" as the saying goes, was always going to create anxiety and conflicted emotions in Penelope.
I have been talking to George quite a bit the last couple of weeks - about a lot of things. But I wanted to get a good read on where he was in his progress of getting himself ready. That takes a while because George is a liar, a manipulator, and very selfish. But he is also one who will talk too much and end up showing his cards. During our conversations, it was brought up again how there is this thought that the reason Penelope flakes out after a visit with her dad is because of the infrequency of the visits. He seemed much more waivering than he has ever been on this issue. I reminded him, with a lot of conviction, that that reason is not it at all and why. He knows this upcoming visit has a lot riding on it - Christmas. If she does well with this visit, than we can all spend Christmas together. The fact it has a lot riding on it, also can give him more determination to lie and be deceitful too.
I had to go to his house to help him with a phone call he had to make about his health insurance, and I brought with me one of Penelope's files. It has things that I don't know for sure George has ever seen - probably just heard about but never seen. About where she used to be. Her suicide letter/drawing. The journal she kept in the hospital during her last visit. The poster she drew all over with disturbing things. Emails from Harriet and her family. Other disturbing drawings that Penelope has over the past year. I wanted him to see it. To live it for a few minutes so he can see what this girl has gone through and where she is now, and learn what she needs from him.
Penelope needs to hear him apologize. She needs to hear him tell her how proud he is of her. She needs to hear him tell her that she is so glad that she has me and what a great job I'm doing for her. And lastly, she needs to hear that he knows it's best for her to stay with me permanently and he wants what is best for her.
We had talked about it on the phone early on Friday - I wanted him to understand the importance of it. I wanted to make sure he believed it. And I think he does - reluctantly. In admitting these things, he also has to admit he did things wrong, and he wasn't a good father in the standards he wanted to set for himself. I knew this was hard for him.
I also knew it would be hard for Penelope. One thing I have learned over the past few months, is I'm really the one that needs to speak to Penelope about the things that have happened in her life. Her ATs have talked about them in the beginning - in order to send her the message that it was not her fault - and help her come out of her defensive, dark corner. But, now that she is a lot better, she still has a lot of feelings about what has happened - and as she gets older, she gets a new perspective on them as well. I'm the one here every day, so I am the one who needs to work with her on them. My concern is knowing the right way to handle it. I know that being the one to bring them up is okay - not sit around until she decides to talk about them. I've learned she can only tolerate a short period of time discussing things. So I do it in short but frequent conversations. But we have talked about how she feels about her dad. We have talked about the good and the bad. How she feels about it, what she wants out of her relationship with him. I make her think and process her feelings about him. She has become more realistic about her perception of him. She could still use some more work. She has anger towards him that she is afraid to express. I don't want her to be angry with him, but I don't want her act like she has to carry the burden as part of their love. That it's the job of the daughter weather that kind of treatment. She has value too. She is important and her feelings and boundaries should be respected. This was not something she ever received before and she deserves it.
So the plan was to have their visit Friday shortly after school for about an hour. This time I was going to be there. No worries or concerns with whether I knew or not and what I thought about things. We all three talked and played cards and had fun. Then George was to have the conversation with her. He started to but then, after everything, forgot what he was suppose to say. Nice. So he needed to talk to me to refresh his memory. I don't know how the boy functions. He had only gotten to the first one, where he apologized for making bad decisions and not putting her first. She said "That's okay." When he came to me to remind him of 2, 3 and 4, I told him not to let her say it's okay. That's her way of not trying to show her feelings and letting him off the hook, which in her heart she shouldn't do that easily. He agreed, and started over with her and told her "It's not okay. It's serious and I'm not okay with it either," but reassured her he would never do it again. I never told him to say that but I hope he can live up to that promise.
They had a good talk overall and Penelope felt good about it. She told me that she said "Are you also sorry for yelling at me every second of the minute?" He told her he was. Good for her!
I was very proud of her. She spoke her mind to an extent. It's a beginning. Also, during the card game, they were sharing a bin of grapes. Penelope went to give him a grape and he leaned in like he wanted her to feed it to him. She said "No dad. I don't feed you. You feed yourself." It may seem like a little thing, but it's not. She was setting boundaries with him and knows not to fear him about it and that it's not her job to take care of him. It was all good.
What's even better is she hasn't had any additonal problems since seeing him! Her Uncle B, who has been pushing the hardest, called Penelope on Saturday and tell her how proud he was that she was being so strong (not acting out) from the visit. We will see how school goes. It's like two different worlds for her, home and school. So far, so good.

The Holiday Season has begun

We made it through Thanksgiving, the actual event and that weekend rather unscathed. However, it went down hill as soon as Penelope went back to school on Monday. Between the fact that the holiday season makes her think of her past, and the breakup of her regular routine, she isn't coping as good as she was. She is having positive experiences but she gobbles them up and is still left empty. Nothing is good enough. And to try to get her to do things that are not pleasant, like chores or helping me with something makes her spontaneously turn into a 3 year old in a tantrum. She had tutor on Monday night, and I had to pick her up early because she was refusing to do her work and even crawled under the work table to hide. She hasn't crawled under a table to avoid homework in 1 1/2 years. 1 1/2 years ago was when Penelope was in and out of the hospital. I'm not saying that is where she is again, but she is starting to show those signs.
I'm trying not to take my anger about her regression out on her. I'm just not as strong as I was 1 1/2 years ago. I feel much more knowledgeable, but that doesn't negate my ability to hold it together. There is power in the knowledge though, and one thing I've learned is that I'm not a good assessor of my strength. I seem to pull it out of who knows where when it's necessary. I think that I need some me time, to make myself more a priority in order to do that. I hear it, I read it, I know it, I just don't do it. I don't value it and I resist it too much - as a waste of time or money or energy. I'd rather sleep. But I'm going to make a conscious effort, maybe a new years resolution in hopes calling it that doesn't sabatoge it, to do for me. Set some personal goals this coming year.
1) Get a job - hopefully one that pays enough we don't have to move.
2) Exercise - get out of the house at least - sun therapy.
3) Get your hair cut on a regular basis. You would think this is a no-brainer but I'm going for a personal record of how long it's been since my hair has been cut. I'm over a year right now.
4) Quit making excuses for why you don't take care of yourself. Like say I'm going for a personal record on how long I can go without getting my hair cut.
5) Go to the doctor and make sure you are physically AND mentally healthy. Needing happy pills is just one issue I need to look at.

Those are a good, basic start. Job, health, personal appearance... got to start somewhere. Since I'm basically starting over.

It probably would do Penelope some good to sit down and come up with 5 personal goals herself. I've tried that in the past with her, but it takes personal will power to follow through, and she just didn't have any. But since she is older, and wants to be stronger, healthier - maybe. Despite her regression at least. I just try to remember these things are temporary. But this is worse than ususal. It's also the first since she decided to start trying. Sometimes her anxiety of wanting to do well backfires and causes her to freak out so maybe that's also what we are dealing with. Not hopeless Penelope like last year, but "I'm fighting and sometimes there are civilian casualties" Penelope.

We have therapy on Thursday and I'm looking forward to it. Brain training really helps her think more clearly. And most of the time, her ATs can get her to regroup and process things better too.

I just hope today is a better day than the first two of this week. I received a long email about how Penelope wasn't doing well at school yesterday. Mrs. Brown was great about trying to help her get through the day- even had lunch with her which during they prepped for her Social Studies test that she had previously refused to do - causing her tutoring session to be cut short. But Mrs. Brown is reinstating the pink sheets, as I call them, which is a behavior assessment for each class, as well as a problem-solving grid - to process problems that occur, productively. Penelope was suppose to talk to me about it but she never did. She didn't tell me anything that occurred yesterday. Even after I had asked about her day. She told me about her day but it was all a lie.

Harriet finally emailed me back, even though I already knew she had talked to her mother about them both going and meeting with Penelope's therapists. She sat on it for a week before contacting me. And with her mother's schedule, it pretty much only leaves 4 days before Christmas they can look at to see it they can go. I told Harriet that it didn't leave much time and her response was "If it can't happen before Christmas, I'll understand." But then, about two weeks ago she called George and was complaining about how I have been keeping "our" daughter away from "us." He said the purpose of her call was to see if he wanted her to drop off food for Thanksgiving for him. Yeah, like she is really concerned about George not having a good Thanksgiving - the person she has accused of so many things.. She was fishing to see if he was spending Thanksgiving with us! But that's Harriet. When she didn't get an answer that satisfied that question, she went in on the "us" thing. He told her that she could have seen Penelope by now, that she just needs to go to therapy. Her response was "I don't have to. It's not court ordered." This is very true as I have learned. How does she know this though? But George said he responded "It's not about a court, it's about what is best for Penelope. I went to therapy and it wasn't even recommended." Besides the fact his sentence leaves out alot about the issues around his therapy and that yes it wasn't recommended at the same time as Harriet's, Penelope's ATs recommended it. But besides that, it's a valid point that it's amazing that people are okay overlooking. If it would benefit your daughter, your relationship with your daughter, and maybe yourself, what's the problem?? You are willing to go almost a 1 1/2 years not seeing your daughter because it's not court ordered? The thing is, it wasn't court ordered to not be allowed to see Penelope but she's been going along with that. If she really was trying to take a stance about only following a court's order, than why didn't she try to see Penelope sooner? From my perspective, Harriet has always said that she was "trying" or "plans on" doing this or that related to getting therapy and knew that was the doctor's recommendation. I knew she didn't want to go to therapy - too much anxiety over it, in denial, anti-authority...whatever the reason. But they were all issues she was claiming to try to work through. But who knows. I'm not stupid and really think she had all those appointments she told me about. She wanted to come across like she cared (is that the right word?) enough to go through this for Penelope's benefit.
Anyway, we will see if she actually makes an appointment. Part of me thinks that because she took the "If it can't happen before Christmas, I'll understand" attitude, her need to see Penelope may have subsided and she won't make the appointment and may stop trying to see her. We will see! All I know, is I need to get my shit together before Penelope visists with Harriet so I can handle the aftermath without self destructing.

Thanksgiving

I can think of many things I can be thankful for. My dad, my mom, Penelope, my ability to offer Penelope the help she needs, my twin brother and his family, my friends even though I avoid them like the plague anymore, Penelope's school and the people in her life that care for her and support her, and my cats too I guess. I'm more thankful for these things now than I've ever been. I am suppose to include my health but I don't think I really have that too much anymore. There are other things but if I don't have them, then I can't put them on the list. This is suppose to be the holiday we are thankful for things we have. But, honestly, I'm having a hard time looking at things as half full, rather than half empty. I wish that my life turned out so much differently. It's not healthy to think that way because life is what it is. What can I do about it is what I should be thinking. I just feel totally unable to do anything about it. I fight for the things I believe are for the best and are the right thing to do. But then I just feel constantly criticized by the people that I love. I tell them how I feel, what I need, my worries, how I'm trying to deal with them, and I don't get any support from it. It's never "What can I do to help you?" It's "Yeah, I understand.... well, I gotta go." That's my twin brother or my dad. My mom tries to either tell what to do different, or try to one up me. That's when she doesn't need to go too. When I tell her that I just need her to listen and support me, she tells me how she has given up everything for me and Penelope. She carries a lot of guilt around and has a hard time dealing with the things I say.
But every once a while, one of these people comes through and listens so I continue to crave that interaction but it's far and few between. I need someone to talk to who can help carry this burden with me and my family are not those people. I feel so alone in this.
Really my total depression while writing this blog was sparked by my mother's revelation early today that my dad thinks I'm controlling. Typically this would just piss me off for a few minutes but I just am so tired of fighting.. or worrying about anything anymore. I just think sometimes that I can't do this anymore. I give up! I want to call my dad and ask him why he thinks I'm controlling. What am I doing wrong?

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and was so miserably depressed I stopped writing and had my little meltdown. During it, I tried to analyze why my mother told me what she did as well as why I was in such a deep funk. I have to look at the context of the conversation I was having with her to get a good read about where she was coming from. She had called me pissed off at me. Once again. I have offered to make Thanksgiving Dinner this year, at her house, but still. I needed to ask her a question about it but she couldn't talk when I called, but called me later to find out what I needed. She happened to have George in the car with her when she called but I didn't know that at the time. She was pissed at me for talking to her about Thanksgiving in front of George when he isn't able to be there. She was also pissed at George because he has been borrowing her car because his has been down on and off for about 2 months now - and they had a blow up about his lack of consideration for her needs over her car and been living on her couch messing up the house a few nights a week. On top of that, my dad has been getting on her about helping to get the house ready for Thanksgiving. So, she turns all this stress she is dealing with and dumps it on me.
But I also pissed her off being I vetoed her idea of going to a nearby family hotel/indoor water rides/restaurant/game room for Thanksgiving. For whatever reason (to make life harder I believe), she doesn't want to "share" my twin brother and his family on Thanksgiving with my sister-in-laws family. My mom hates/loathes her mother. They are having their Thanksgiving meal at 1pm which would be perfect for them to have it with us at like 6pm. But, no. So we are having it on Friday so we can spend more time with them. But Friday is a big football game day and my dad, my twin brother, his wife and her dad are all going to the game. They won't be able to make it to my parents' house until 4:30-5:00 anyway. So my mom has offered for myself, Penelope and her to watch my niece and nephew while they are gone all day at the game. My brother plans on dropping the little ones (3 and 4 1/2) at my mom's at 7am Friday. So Penelope and I have to stay the night Thursday night. But because my mom wants Penelope to do something special ON Thanksgiving, she wanted to do the big outing. But, financially, we are so strapped. George found out his and Penelope's insurance is being cancelled effective the end of the month. I don't have insurance. So I'm waiting to get something from the state for her because of her RAD. Also, there is something to do with social security she could be eligible for. But in the interim, some of her meds may need to be refilled and she may not have coverage and her pills are $1,000 roughly per month. I'm still trying to find employment with absolutely no success so my expenses, which I limit to the bare necessities, are paid for by my parents. It really rubs me the wrong way that my mom bitches about the fact that she is now on a budget because of me and how hard that is, but just got back from a Florida vacation with a friend, drops hundrends of dollars here and there for her hair, nails, getting her dogs bathed, new clothes, gifts for people just because, and I'm in a position where I may need to get rid of my house, move Penelope and I into a different community uprooting her when she has such a great network of support here. It just pisses me off. And this was another example where she wants to spend money we, as a family, just don't have! I told her that they are way over priced, and I know that I personally wouldn't have any fun but would be sick to my stomach the entire time because of how much it costs. When things are better, sure we can go do that, but not now. So, she also told me that my vetoing this outing pissed her off because anything she comes up with I turned down. She doesn't know why (even though I specifically told her, and her response to it was "Well, not spending the money would make your dad happy." No shit, he knows we can't afford it either) whether or not it's because Penelope isn't strong enough to handle it or not. I told her (again) why, and that Penelope would probably love it, minus the end when her money runs out in the game room and she makes us all miserable with how it sucks we can't stay longer and why can't she have more money etc. Anyway, she was mad about that too. And that I last week, after Penelope's band concert, tried to talk to her about the fact that her and dad being 20 minutes late upset Penelope to tears - with her abandonment issues, she was afraid they weren't coming and that was really hard on her despite all my efforts to tell her otherwise. She was mad that I got on her case about it because she had to meet a client to pick up a form. My dad already ratted her out because her "client" was her friend from vacation and they had dinner.I wasn't going to get into the details with her until she tried to say that her lateness was out of her control because of this work-related event she had to do. But I had a hard time letting it go then since both Penelope's parents have always had excuses for why they did what they did including being late or not showing up at all. So I had to call her out. She said "I didn't have dinner, I had a salad." okay.... So, here she is all pissed at me for alllllll these reasons. And somewhere during the conversation when we were discussing how I pissed her off discussing Thanksgiving in front of George and I had told her I found this great recipe for roasting a few seasoned turkey breasts instead of making one big bird, she cut me off and said "No. I want a whole turkey." When I tried to ask why, she said she jumped me about forgetting George in that there needs to be leftovers for him. I told her that there would still be plenty of food, same amount with a whole turkey, just easier to cook and all that. Everything I found seemed really difficult and all the tools needed would be expensive overall so I was trying to be creative. She didn't care and said she wanted a whole turkey. I said "Fine, I'll just have dad order our dinner from the grocery store then." My goal was to stay close to how much they typically spend when they've been ordering the meal from the grocery store and supplementing it with a couple things. But I wanted to make it so it didn't taste like what it was - dinner heated up in the microwave. Just stay in the same range cost-wise. That was the question I called to ask, "How much did you spend on that ready made meal?" But the reason she jumped me was because I was talking to her about it with George right there. How am I suppose to know he was there? The other issue was that I again was pointing out that it wasn't a good idea to spend a lot of money, and she gets down right childish when you tell her "No." about spending money. So she told me that my dad said I was controlling.
Okay, so I still, after trying to figure out where this was coming from at least acknoledged that she was saying it to hurt my feelings because she was pissed at me, still wanted to call my dad to find out why he thinks I'm controlling and what I did wrong. Just because she was using it as a weapon doesn't mean my dad didn't actually say it. I know that I had talked to my dad earlier and he was at the end of his rope with everything and he doesn't need to have to mediate my mom and I arguing on top of it. I was afraid to call him and have that conversation because I was pretty upset - devestated that he would say that about me or feel that way, and I know it hurts him to hear me that upset, but also that he was already stressed about everything to put that on him too.
So I called my twin brother. I needed to talk to someone. I was in a very dark place and I just want it to end. To not feel so hopeless and have all this guilt on my shoulders when I feel it's not justified. We talked for a while about several things related to Penelope and George and mom. I told him how mom told me dad said I am controlling and I'm not sure how so. He told me that he feels I'm controlling because I control the Penelope. That I "hover" over Penelope too much. This wasn't helping. But we kept it constructive. I told him that I understand how an outsider can see it from that perspective. But the thing is, is that Penelope is not normal. She has a lot of problems. I hover from one person's persepective but I'm too laid back from another's. The thing is, is that he and George are the only ones in our family that haven't seen Penelope at her worst or sees her bad behaviors because she is usually the perfect princess in front of them. Once in a while she will act out but only to the extent she looks immature and bratty, not sick. He doesn't understand how her brain works, what it needs, and how that is different than most kids. I worry about not allowing her to benefit from independence, free thinking, be creative, not to censor her, and that is a battle that comes with every situation differently. But this is where I have a problem with him having that perspective. I tried to educate him on how she is doing, things that go on, what she is dealing with. I tell him these things not to vent, but so he understands why I make the decisions I do on her behalf. BECAUSE he has an opinion. But because he isn't involved in it, he really doesn't understand.Most of the time he tells me that I don't need to go into the details but then still has an opinion. So, why can't he just say "I really don't know and understand what's going on. But you, my sister, who I feel is relatively intelligent and have obviously done a lot of right things for Penelope because her improvement is very apparent - keep doing whatever you are doing because I have faith in you as a person to do the right thing. Instead, because even though we can all agree that Penelope's needs come first, there are more personal needs that conflict with Penelope's, I get critized made to feel guilty for how my decisions impact you all. He tried to say that he means controlling in a good way, because it's not that I'm doing something wrong, it's just that I'm controlling Penelope. I pointed out that as parents we all control our kids by making decisions on their behalf and tell them they can or can't do something. But people don't go around saying "That person is controlling, just because they are parenting." He claims I don't understand but I think he was trying to be too political and painted himself in a corner. But, regardless, it helped to just talk about it. Before that conversation, I was ready to just call up my dad and throw up my hands. Not about what he may or may not have said alone but just finally crumbling under the pressure of my family for me to make Penelope be past this. I was going to tell him that it was totally up to him if George comes to Thanksgiving. I won't be upset if he is. I'm just not going to make that decision anymore. I can't deal with the burden of it anymore.
I did eventually call my dad, after about 3 hours. He was in the process of picking up George to take him somewhere. I told him that I think mom isn't mad at me anymore and I made up with her - so he didn't have to worry about that. But I did want to ask him about something she said but since he's with George it's probably not a good time. He wanted to know what it was. I told him. I said "I just wanted to find out, if it was true, why he felt that way. What I was doing wrong." He just said "She said that, did she? Huh. Don't worry kiddo, you are not doing anything wrong." He didn't deny saying it, but I'm not going to worry about it anymore. He is the only person in my family, for the most part who does support me by having faith in my ability to make good decisions for Penelope and even though, has an opinion here and there about things, recognizes that even when he may think I'm making a mistake, it ends up being the right decision and have a positive outcome that on occasion has changed his opinion.
But, this Thanksgiving sucks big time. And because my mom, who called ME controlling, doesn't want to share Thanksgiving with her son's mother-in-law, has pushed it back until Friday, but still wants to make a day out of Thanksgiving for Penelope so we have finally decided on going to see Old Dogs at the theater and do a light dinner back and having to spend the night since the little ones will be there bright and early Friday morning so everyone else can go to the football game. It's turned into a 2 full day event.
Then, yesterday, George wanted to know when he was suppose to come for Thanksgiving. But my mom was under the impression he was spending Thanksgiving with some friends at his hangout and was avoiding the family. But she threw out Saturday to him. So now it's a 3 day event on their end. But then YESTERDAY, coincidentally after I emailed George about Penelope wanting to know if he could make his "famous" cornbread she loves so she could have it on Thanksgiving, he called my mom and cancelled Saturday. He agreed, and actually already made the cornbread, but as he said "Don't want to be last." I think he either didn't hear my mom or it pissed him off that I knew, that the plan for Saturday was to chomp on leftovers. I had told him to make his regular amount for her and he could have what's left with the rest of the leftovers. Mom wanted him to only make a single serving for Penelope because she wanted to make the cornbread.
When I found out about him cancelling, I emailed him to find out if I had pissed him off.He didn't respond right away so I called him. He was full of excuses so it was pretty clear he was feeling bad. But then he had to go. So I called my mom and told her about my conversation with him. I won't feel guilty and I'm sad that he isn't doing anything - not guilt but because I was glad he was spending it with friends who can help him find a different source of identity and self worth other than burdening Penelope with it. But I offered for him to take Thanksgiving. It's really her need to have Penelope have family time on Thanksgiving but we are doing it on Friday. Penelope is really not going to care. After my mom let go of her need to do it for Penelope, my dad talked to George and he agreed to spend the day with them. So Penelope and I are not holiday-ing it today. We are playing games and doing whatever we want. So I was able to shorten our thanksgiving as well as have George get his time so people can get off my back about it some. Oh, and I'm not making a whole turkey, I'm making two of them. They are smaller so they will be easier not to make it fried out like the store makes them. And I'm still in budget. Barely but it will be good.

I think I'm kinda going crazy (more than normal)

It's the holidays... they started at Halloween really. At least in our house I guess. I've never really been big into the holidays. I like the break from school/work depending on what stage in life I am at. I hate Christmas shopping but love giving gifts. I don't really care about receiving them, unless someone gets me something that is a piece of crap - not from the heart. Or at least a gift that is saying that there is no love there. It's always been like that from George growing up. Depending on when he gets around to shopping, he does his Christmas shopping at the checkout lane in the local grocery store, or Walgreens.
Anyway, Penelope is all about holidays and birthdays and anything remotely related. Since this is holiday season, she has a lot of anxiety. She is regressing big time. Her coping ability is running around 30%-50% right now. Not good. Everything, EVERYTHING, she wants to turn into a battle. I'm doing my best to hold it together.
Then, on top of that - both her parents want to see her. George is being quiet, maybe patient. He knows it isn't happening for Thanksgiving. I was trying to figure out the best schedule for everyone for Thanksgiving taking that into consideration. But I found out that he already made plans to celebrate Thanksgiving at his favorite restaurant/bar that he hands out in. He doesn't plan on spending it with any of his family. I'm not really sure if that is him having a tatrum or if he just can't handle being around any of his family if he can't see Penelope. I knew that my other brother really wanted to have Thanksgiving with George and Penelope together. We had a fight over that because he was dismissing Penelope's needs for the sake of having all his family together. So, when the decision was made, I made a point to call him to let him know that we weren't having Thanksgiving together - and why. That I also wanted it to happen, to have Penelope past this point in her healing etc. That was two weeks ago. I've seen him twice since then and everything seemed fine. But I've heard through the grapevine that he is upset by it. I've tried to call him twice but he hasn't returned my calls. Then about 4 days ago, my mom straight out asked me if George could come to Thanksgiving. I said no, and again, explained why. Then two days ago, right after my dad got done driving George to his therapy session and home, he wanted to know if we were going about this all wrong. "Maybe Penelope needs to see her dad more often to not have anxiety. That the reason she is having all these problems when she sees him is because she doesn't see him very often. Maybe she should see him weekly. Like have him pick her up from school once a week." Are you F-ing kidding me?? That sounded like it came out of George and his therapist's mouth. So after a couple of deep breaths I asked my dad if he remembers why we decided to have Penelope stop seeing George? He couldn't remember. I reminded him. I told him "I know that you and I don't talk about this end of what is going on with Penelope. But there has been a lot that has come out. You have to remember that both Harriet AND George abused Penelope." I explained it more detail and he seemed to get it. But I recognize this is had on the family. And they are looking to me for justification. I have to shoulder that burden in addition to... just everything else.
Harriet wants to see Penelope. I talked to Penelope's therapists on Thursday. They are afraid to piss her off and send her running to court so they want to let Penelope see Harriet. We talked about it in great detail - the concerns. Because Harriet is in total denial that she has hurt Penelope in any capacity. Any pain she has caused have been blown out of proportions and are not her fault anyway. My concern is what she will say or do in front of Penelope. How Penelope is going to cope with having her there when she has so much fear and anger towards her. So, what I recommended is that there be a pre-visit meeting with Harriet and the therapists. The therapists want Harriet's mom to come as well. I don't see that happening for a number of reasons. But they want Harriet to allow Penelope to speak her mind, her anger, without Harriet trying to defend herself. They also want Harriet to tell Penelope that she will be living with me permenantly and that's what's best. She also has to tell her that she messed up and it's not Penelope's fault and ask for forgivness. I don't see this meeting go well, so we suspect she won't show for a visit with Penelope because she won't be able to handle it.
I've also struggling with where Penelope is in her healing process. I mean, behaviorally she was getting better, coping better. And her bioneurofeedback does wonders to help her with that. But to address her feelings about what has happened to her in her life. I know she is thinking a lot about it. She talks about things frequently. She talks about then like nothing was wrong with what happened. She talks about them at inappropriate times. She wants to talk about them. But not with her ATs really. When we do talk in our group, we usually only have about 15-20 minutes and it's like pulling teeth and according to Penelope everything is for the most part "fine." I know I have to do a lot of the talking with Penelope. I just don't know what to say!
My cat had flees a couple of weeks ago and I treated all three cats just in case. Penelope kept talking about when she lived with her dad the house had flees and things about that. It was a lot worse than that actually but it triggered her. We talked about it and she revealed some new information that, if true, fits everything we already know. She said that Charlene (the grandmother religious figure that watched her a lot) had offered to have her stay at her house for a couple of weeks so dad could take care of getting the house in order. She washed all the clothes dad dropped off and treated all Penelope's wounds from the flea bites all over. When the house was still bad off, Charlene offered to have Penelope stay for a couple of months. She asked Penelope if she'd want to come live with her. But George wouldn't let that happen. Penelope remembers shortly later that Harriet called CPS on him. It was disgusting! I don't blame her. I don't know why she didn't call sooner. She'd been out there every other week in that mess but one day she called. She commented to him how bad it was and George offered her money to clean it. Both George and Penelope (because it was George's opinion I'm sure) were mad at Harriet for calling CPS because she was paid to clean it. Anyway, I told her it wasn't right for their house to be so dirty. But that I remembered her bed being broken where there was no way she was sleeping on it. She said she wasn't. She was sleeping with Daddy. I said that her toys were everywhere on the floor. She said that once in a while she would get home from school (her last year with him) and he had cleaned her room. But usually it was really messy. It was so messy that she couldn't get to her dresser to get her clothes so Daddy started keeping her clothes in his dresser and she would just get ready in there. Ugh!
I've been doing a big of reading on Convert Incest (Emotional Incest) and it is exactly what has gone down in their household. But everything I read is about what it is, and how these kids, as adults end up with dysfunctional relationships, have intamcy issues, a lot becoming sex addicts, but how their life is pre-occupied by sex. Penelope already has that problem. But she is only 12. What can I do now to help her establish the right mind set to have healthy relationships with her peers and the opposite sex? Her therapists treat her for reactive attachment disorder and they are the ones who identified the emotional incest/abuse but I don't think that is something they know a lot of to address. She needs her AT but I want to figure out what to do about her unhealthy relationship with her dad. ESPECIALLY since she is going to start seeing him soon. Everything I read is addressing an audience who has come to the realization how unhealthy this type of parent/child dynamic it is. Penelope says she "knows now" because we have discussed that certain things he did were not okay, but she still sees her Daddy is the perfect prince.
Am I being too unrealistic to fret over these issues? Should I just think "It could be worse?" Should I just cope with the day to day and not worry about the future? Am I being too much of a perfectionist to my own demise.. again? Can someone tell me where the off switch is to my head? I need a drink.

Still not sure what to do about Harriet.

I talked to Penelope's therapist today briefly. She received my message about Harriet wanting to see Penelope for Christmas and be back in life. She said that her initial reaction is to tell her no, but she fears that if she took the case to court, a judge would award visitations. So we might have to just suck it up and let her see Penelope.
Maybe I'm too idealist, but how is this fair? I mean, I know life isn't fair but when do the rights of a parent outweigh the health of the child? Only when it's life threatening? Is suicide considered life threatening in a court? Or does the threatening of life have to come from the parent? But maybe, since the child isn't holding a knife to her chest now, it's not an emergency situation and the mother can see her - but the moment the child attempts suicide, then we can file for visitations to stop. But by then, I'm sure someone has removed the knife from the child's hand and he/she is no longer in harms way which would make the emergency hearing no longer an emergency and the mother can see the child? Do you see where I'm going here? Am I being a little overdramatic? Maybe, but it didn't take much to put Penelope in that place before, and we know it could happen again. But, I guess the issue I'm trying to address is whether when the safety of the child with a parent is being evaluated, is it assumed all kids are mentally healthy and can cope with their parents' "idiosyncrasies" which may not be considered abuse in normal senses, but emotionally devastating for this particular child?
Inconsistent visitations by their mother, I'm sure is painful for any child. But for one with Reactive Attachment Disorder, who has learned to not form attachments/bond due to the continual rejection/neglect, it's just re-traumatizing, over and over and over again. It's torture!
So, here we are in a situation where we have to determine how to best move forward with the least amount of harm to Penelope because of her mother's need to see her. It's easy to get mad and say she is doing this because she should want to see her, versus she actually does want to see her. I'm sure she wants to see her daughter and it's hard on her. But, shouldn't children come first, then the adults in these matters? It's not about what I want, it's not about what Harriet wants - and honestly, it's not about what Penelope wants, but what is best for her that should matter here.
Of the little I know about Family Law and parental rights, I know that the push is to keep families together. I know it's not a perfect system, like most things, but we are talking about children and their futures. Are we talking about keeping them alive or about giving them every possible chance at a normal healthy life? Not be a "statistic" - teen pregnancy, drugs, STDs, crime and jail. Create a legacy of mental health issues to pass on to their children, a legacy of being part of a culture dependent on government assistance. Where is the line between the importance of keeping families together/parents' rights and giving a child a chance? "Where ever the judge draw the lines."
I'm not good about working within issues of discretion - leaving such significant issues up to the experience, knowledge and current mood of one particular person trying to interpret vague laws. In my line of work I have dealt with an adjudication system and when I first started, hearing the words "The chance of winning really depends on who the hearing officer is" was so infuriating. But it is so true. Unless you have an extremely airtight case, it really depends on who you get. There is also a huge political factor. What is the reputation of who is representing you... representing the other side? Attorneys can't give gifts or pay for meals and things but they can be "friendly." Be social. Play golf and what other rubbing elbow activities they do. Is that how it is in Family Court too?
I have lots of worries and questions - over things I have no control over. See, the thing is, I'm not totally against Harriet and Penelope having a highly supervised sitdown in a theaupudic setting. I think there would be a backlash but I also think there could be some progression in her healing process by going through it and coming out the other end. Penelope to see for herself how she really feels. Maybe that's me trying to come to terms with the posibility of it happening, and hoping the backlash/regression isn't severe. I tend to forget that Molly regresses to her 3 year old state for a few days just from getting a greeting card from Harriet. When Harriet writes "I love you and miss you" there is violence on top of the regression.
But the thing is, Harriet doesn't just want to see her, she wants her "back in my life." That means more than just a visit. She wants to see her regularly. Something that she couldn't handle in the 10 years she didn't have physical custody of her - dispite all the efforts made to try to accomodate all her excuses as to why she couldn't see her regularly. It wasn't ordered by a court by Penelope's psychiatrist said Harriet needs to seek therapy before she sees Penelope again, to stop doing these extremely hurtful things. Besides her rebuttal in the beginning, she never said she wouldn't go or didn't want to go. She "can't." It's out of her control so she says. She can't find the location (reschedule?), she can't go downtown (I've seen her downtown btw - plus, if it's an issue, why make an appointment downtown?), and just other excuses. It's easy, and I have several times, gotten mad because of this - but maybe her anxieties are that bad that she can't step foot in therapists office and address her issues. So what do you do then?
And on top of that, how does she think it's going to go with Penelope? She is not the same child anymore. And I don't mean, she's now older and bigger. I mean, when she was in the hospital during that second stay, after her mom cancelled/postponed her scheduled visits for almost 2 months, she snapped. She is not the same daughter who tiptoed around her mother, afraid to say something or do something that would upset her mother and make her reject her (ie. shorten visit, cancel next, take off), and to an extent try to entertain her mother. Harriet could have brought homemade cupcakes made with salt instead of sugar and Penelope would have ate the whole thing telling her how wonderful it was and that it's the best cupcake she has ever tasted. I believe that Penelope will be very distant from Harriet, maybe make some snide remarks, maybe even (which would help Penelope in her healing) tell Harriet how hurt she is. Can Harriet handle that? Can she be strong and allow Penelope to do what she needs to do to heal and forgive? I don't think so. In Harriet's mind, it's about herself, not about Penelope. Even in the time she hasn't seen Penelope, she has flip-flopped on if she even wants to be a part of Penelope's life because of how hard it's been to not see her when she wants to. Last Christmas, Harriet went and met with Penelope's therapists because she wanted to see Penelope and after the therapists explained what was going on with Penelope, why it wasn't best for her to see Harriet, and unjudgementally discuss with her why therapy would help their relationship. The therapists said Harriet left in tears saying she might as well just never see Penelope again, not because of guilt, but because she knew it would probably be a while before she'd get to see her and that's all that she really wants. Harriet never took accountability for her actions, even though she admitted to doing them - but it was always for a good reason. Locking Penelope in her room while Harriet slept until the early afternoon from being up all night on the internet was to keep Penelope safe from getting hurt. "What was I suppose to do, let her run?" That's what she told the therapists after denying it to her mother and I. I have taken her child away from her because I am a bitch and want to hurt Harriet because I don't like her. I have done this to her, she didn't do it to herself. She doesn't see she did anything wrong, so what is there to prevent her from hurting her again with her promises and inconsistent messages? She has "the right" for another chance - even though she was given so many chances over the past 10 years to be there for Penelope.
Ugh..