It's the holidays... they started at Halloween really. At least in our house I guess. I've never really been big into the holidays. I like the break from school/work depending on what stage in life I am at. I hate Christmas shopping but love giving gifts. I don't really care about receiving them, unless someone gets me something that is a piece of crap - not from the heart. Or at least a gift that is saying that there is no love there. It's always been like that from George growing up. Depending on when he gets around to shopping, he does his Christmas shopping at the checkout lane in the local grocery store, or Walgreens.
Anyway, Penelope is all about holidays and birthdays and anything remotely related. Since this is holiday season, she has a lot of anxiety. She is regressing big time. Her coping ability is running around 30%-50% right now. Not good. Everything, EVERYTHING, she wants to turn into a battle. I'm doing my best to hold it together.
Then, on top of that - both her parents want to see her. George is being quiet, maybe patient. He knows it isn't happening for Thanksgiving. I was trying to figure out the best schedule for everyone for Thanksgiving taking that into consideration. But I found out that he already made plans to celebrate Thanksgiving at his favorite restaurant/bar that he hands out in. He doesn't plan on spending it with any of his family. I'm not really sure if that is him having a tatrum or if he just can't handle being around any of his family if he can't see Penelope. I knew that my other brother really wanted to have Thanksgiving with George and Penelope together. We had a fight over that because he was dismissing Penelope's needs for the sake of having all his family together. So, when the decision was made, I made a point to call him to let him know that we weren't having Thanksgiving together - and why. That I also wanted it to happen, to have Penelope past this point in her healing etc. That was two weeks ago. I've seen him twice since then and everything seemed fine. But I've heard through the grapevine that he is upset by it. I've tried to call him twice but he hasn't returned my calls. Then about 4 days ago, my mom straight out asked me if George could come to Thanksgiving. I said no, and again, explained why. Then two days ago, right after my dad got done driving George to his therapy session and home, he wanted to know if we were going about this all wrong. "Maybe Penelope needs to see her dad more often to not have anxiety. That the reason she is having all these problems when she sees him is because she doesn't see him very often. Maybe she should see him weekly. Like have him pick her up from school once a week." Are you F-ing kidding me?? That sounded like it came out of George and his therapist's mouth. So after a couple of deep breaths I asked my dad if he remembers why we decided to have Penelope stop seeing George? He couldn't remember. I reminded him. I told him "I know that you and I don't talk about this end of what is going on with Penelope. But there has been a lot that has come out. You have to remember that both Harriet AND George abused Penelope." I explained it more detail and he seemed to get it. But I recognize this is had on the family. And they are looking to me for justification. I have to shoulder that burden in addition to... just everything else.
Harriet wants to see Penelope. I talked to Penelope's therapists on Thursday. They are afraid to piss her off and send her running to court so they want to let Penelope see Harriet. We talked about it in great detail - the concerns. Because Harriet is in total denial that she has hurt Penelope in any capacity. Any pain she has caused have been blown out of proportions and are not her fault anyway. My concern is what she will say or do in front of Penelope. How Penelope is going to cope with having her there when she has so much fear and anger towards her. So, what I recommended is that there be a pre-visit meeting with Harriet and the therapists. The therapists want Harriet's mom to come as well. I don't see that happening for a number of reasons. But they want Harriet to allow Penelope to speak her mind, her anger, without Harriet trying to defend herself. They also want Harriet to tell Penelope that she will be living with me permenantly and that's what's best. She also has to tell her that she messed up and it's not Penelope's fault and ask for forgivness. I don't see this meeting go well, so we suspect she won't show for a visit with Penelope because she won't be able to handle it.
I've also struggling with where Penelope is in her healing process. I mean, behaviorally she was getting better, coping better. And her bioneurofeedback does wonders to help her with that. But to address her feelings about what has happened to her in her life. I know she is thinking a lot about it. She talks about things frequently. She talks about then like nothing was wrong with what happened. She talks about them at inappropriate times. She wants to talk about them. But not with her ATs really. When we do talk in our group, we usually only have about 15-20 minutes and it's like pulling teeth and according to Penelope everything is for the most part "fine." I know I have to do a lot of the talking with Penelope. I just don't know what to say!
My cat had flees a couple of weeks ago and I treated all three cats just in case. Penelope kept talking about when she lived with her dad the house had flees and things about that. It was a lot worse than that actually but it triggered her. We talked about it and she revealed some new information that, if true, fits everything we already know. She said that Charlene (the grandmother religious figure that watched her a lot) had offered to have her stay at her house for a couple of weeks so dad could take care of getting the house in order. She washed all the clothes dad dropped off and treated all Penelope's wounds from the flea bites all over. When the house was still bad off, Charlene offered to have Penelope stay for a couple of months. She asked Penelope if she'd want to come live with her. But George wouldn't let that happen. Penelope remembers shortly later that Harriet called CPS on him. It was disgusting! I don't blame her. I don't know why she didn't call sooner. She'd been out there every other week in that mess but one day she called. She commented to him how bad it was and George offered her money to clean it. Both George and Penelope (because it was George's opinion I'm sure) were mad at Harriet for calling CPS because she was paid to clean it. Anyway, I told her it wasn't right for their house to be so dirty. But that I remembered her bed being broken where there was no way she was sleeping on it. She said she wasn't. She was sleeping with Daddy. I said that her toys were everywhere on the floor. She said that once in a while she would get home from school (her last year with him) and he had cleaned her room. But usually it was really messy. It was so messy that she couldn't get to her dresser to get her clothes so Daddy started keeping her clothes in his dresser and she would just get ready in there. Ugh!
I've been doing a big of reading on Convert Incest (Emotional Incest) and it is exactly what has gone down in their household. But everything I read is about what it is, and how these kids, as adults end up with dysfunctional relationships, have intamcy issues, a lot becoming sex addicts, but how their life is pre-occupied by sex. Penelope already has that problem. But she is only 12. What can I do now to help her establish the right mind set to have healthy relationships with her peers and the opposite sex? Her therapists treat her for reactive attachment disorder and they are the ones who identified the emotional incest/abuse but I don't think that is something they know a lot of to address. She needs her AT but I want to figure out what to do about her unhealthy relationship with her dad. ESPECIALLY since she is going to start seeing him soon. Everything I read is addressing an audience who has come to the realization how unhealthy this type of parent/child dynamic it is. Penelope says she "knows now" because we have discussed that certain things he did were not okay, but she still sees her Daddy is the perfect prince.
Am I being too unrealistic to fret over these issues? Should I just think "It could be worse?" Should I just cope with the day to day and not worry about the future? Am I being too much of a perfectionist to my own demise.. again? Can someone tell me where the off switch is to my head? I need a drink.
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