Meeting with Harriet

Yesterday was that eventful day that I was dreading. I wasn't dealing well with the stress and worrying about this meeting and the potential outcome. On top of all the other stress going on right now, I got emotional several times yesterday before and after the meeting. I just kept reminded myself that the ultimate goal was to talk Harriet out of seeing Molly. It has been thrown around that it wouldn't be horrible for Penelope to see her mom, that Penelope is stronger now and because she has me, she doesn't live or die by Harriet anymore. But I don't think we really understood how angry Penelope still really is. I knew she was still angry, but it was more of a disgust than rage. But we all really learned how much pure hate she still has for Harriet via her behavior this past week and the letter she wrote.
Harriet brought her mom, Sarah, with her, which I was happy about. That way Harriet couldn't spin or lie about what was said. As usual, they were cordial and friendly in a very formal way. Fake, really. My tolerance for the fakeness has really evaporated over the past year. But I was good, and limited my interjections to explaining Penelope's behavior and to answer questions. Harriet was present, but really didn't say a whole lot. Sarah did more talking than she did. And her mom was more honest about her feelings - which was actually nice for a change. Let's get it out. The thing is though is I'm done defending or explaining myself. If she wants to think of me as a horrible person who has maliciously been out to hurt Harriet and heartlessly used Penelope as my pawn to do that, that's fine. She doesn't care enough to do anything about those feelings, so it doesn't matter.
Not just Beth, the lead therapist, but Carrie, the other therapist was able to be there. I had brought a folder of drawings, letters, hospital stuff and general stuff related to Penelope's RAD and abuse. Beth started talking about how far Penelope has come in therapy and how long she has been a client. She then showed them the journal Penelope kept while she was in the hospital right before she became a client. She pointed out the name Penelope had written on the front "The killing drawing book." She flipped the cover open and Harriet said "Oh my God!" The first page was in bold big letters "F*CK YOU!!" and the next page was a drawing of a middle finger with at tattoo on the hand with writing around it that said "MOMMY, F*CK YOU BICHE" and so on. There were drawing of Harriet's death, a note asking for water but not with poison. There was a drawing of a cigarette and Penelope asking for one. It was bad. Harriet said "I didn't know she used that language!" I said "She doesn't! She won't even tolerate anyone else cuss." They told Harriet she was psychotic. Carrie talked about how Penelope's brain works and talked about bioneurofeedback. Sarah had a lot of questions about that and explained she has a degree in psychology. The reason I roll my eyes at that is that there is this "I'm a highly educated person so I know everything" persona that Sarah tries to take. I think it could also be "just because Harriet is the way she is, doesn't mean she takes after me." I can understand that. A bit of shame or embarassment. I wouldn't claim her either. However, she is yours and you can't deny that. Anyway, at this point Beth told them about Penelope being asked to write Harriet a letter about her feelings after discussing her opinion about seeing Harriet. Beth then read the letter. This is the part that I had to hold back the tears. Penelope's letter is so honest and to have Harriet here it and to learn from Penelope how she feels is a first. I've talked about it with Harriet but I've had to soften it a great deal because Harriet couldn't deal with it. Here it is, in a pretty direct way. Harriet just sat there and listened. She seemed a little upset but she didn't cry, which I don't know how you could here that letter about yourself from your daughter and NOT cry. After the letter was read, Harriet didn't say anything but Sarah said "I have a question about the writing of that letter. Did she write the letter here? Or did she write it with her (pointing at me)." Figures... So I lied. I lied and said "She wrote it with her tutor." I know Sarah doesn't trust me and no matter what I say, she still feels that way. So instead of explain myself or allow her to dismiss Penelope's feelings but hanging it on a totally false opinion, I lied. I explained how hard it was for Penelope to sit down and write the letter over the weekend, and the stress of it was so extreme she couldn't function at school, so I decided she needed help writing the letter. Sarah then wanted to know if I was with Penelope when she was with the tutor. Whatever lady. She said it doesn't sound like Penelope. And if it was Penelope, that words were put in her mouth. How when she went on vacation with her a year ago last summer, and Penelope had brought her friend with her, that Penelope acted so much younger than her. Both Beth and Carrie explained how Penelope sometimes acts like she is 3 and sometimes she is 16. But also pointed out how much she has grown and healed. That seemed to satisfy Sarah but I could read on her face she wasn't buying it. She wanted to know Harriet is suppose to prove to Penelope she won't hurt her again if she isn't allowed to see her. They said "Therapy." To show Penelope that she is trying and working on herself by going to therapy. Then we spent the next 10-15 minutes talking about Harriet's financial and medical problems and how she doesn't have gas money and how hard it's been to get into therapy because the place she goes to has a lot of people going there etc. Most of those excuses were from Sarah ironically. Sarah said she'd pay for Harriet's gas for her doctor's appointment for the medical condition if she'd just make the appointment as a side sneer toward Harriet. Beth and Carrie offered to advocate for her with her caseworker and that the caseworker can provide transportation services. They would help get her in therapy if she wants it. She said she does. Beth told her to call and leave a voicemail of her caseworker's name and contact information and she will contact him. Harriet didn't have the contact info with her. Sarah made a point to express to Harriet she WILL have done that before Beth returns to the office on Tuesday. She obviously knows how Harriet is about doing what she is suppose to do and all her excuses. I wanted to bring up that she has told George she doesn't plan on going to therapy, doesn't want to, and doesn't have to. If she wanted to, wouldn't she have figured out how to do it by now? I didn't bring that up though. Penelope's ATs have removed her excuses and the only way she won't be going is if she says "I don't want to go." They were great about letting her now, in a very respectful and professional way that they don't tolerate crap. They don't let Penelope hide behind excuses or play the victim. She understood. She asked if there was anything else she can do. They just said to do the therapy and be dedicated to getting what help she needs.
Harriet then did say that she didn't want to upset Penelope and will wait until she is ready to see her. Yeah! Thank GOD.
There were other things discussed but that was the important part. Beth and Carrie made a point to explain that this hasn't been all about her, that George has been talked to and has had limited access to Penelope (which is more than she has) and that they had recommended to him that he should go to therapy too, and he has been going. Sarah wanted to make sure he was still going. Yes.. But Sarah also tried to throw me under the bus and say that I told her that she can't see Penelope either. I don't remember ever saying that and said so. She said that she has an email that says that. I told her that I have always understood it from her that she doesn't want to see Penelope while Harriet isn't able to see her, that she felt like she was crossing a line. She said that wasn't the case etc. I found the email that she sent 3 months after Penelope was in the hospital that said "I know I haven't communicated in a while. There were reasons, mostly having to do with my feeling disloyal to Harriet. That might not make any sense to you and I understand that." I did also find an email from a year ago that I sent Sarah saying that I thought it was best that she not see Penelope while she was in the hospital because of how bad (psychotic) she was, but she is stronger now. I did say that because she was currently going through a bad period, that I have scaled back her world and who she sees and where she goes - that the structure helps her. But I never said she can't see her. But I can see how someone could read into that way if they wanted to see Penelope like within the next couple of weeks. But she rarely asked how she was doing and never asked about seeing her again. She has been so evasive of the whole situation, I'm not going to push Penelope on her. I do know after the first hospitalization, I stopped allowing Sarah have Penelope without me there. We went to a butterfly exhibit. She didn't like that I invited myself along with her and Harriet. Tough, I know Sarah believes that Penelope has been fed bad things about Harriet, and I was not going to put Penelope in a position to be interrogated.
Anyway, the meeting ended with Harriet being allowed to send letters to Penelope via Beth and Carrie (at my request). We will discuss how ready Penelope is to see Grandma Sarah. But we are going to wait until after the holidays. I just want to get through the holidays.
Oh, I almost forgot. Harriet gave me a grocery bag with some wrapped presents for Penelope. Sarah gave me a bag as well. The presents from Harriet is Penelope's Christmas gifts. She said that, like that afghan she was going to make for Penelope, that quilt she switched to was also going to take to long (DUH!) and she will make something eventually but not in time for Christmas. I put the presents in the farthest back part of my vehicle. I have my mom's oversized SUV, so it's pretty far back under and behind things. You will understand in a moment why I point that out..
Well, that meeting ended about 2 1/2 hours before our regular AT appointment. My mom had picked up Penelope from school and brought her up for me, since it's over an hour away from home. Beth looked like a whipped puppy when I came in for that session. I think she was almost as nervous as I was about it, but she said she just had a busy day running family errands. But we talked about the meeting and how we thought it went. I told her how I wasn't handling it well during it because I just am tired of the fakeness. I just hope there was some sincerity behind it. She agreed they seemed fake but sometimes that is just how things have to start. I understood. I think this session was more a wind down from that meeting for her and I. She did tell me that Carrie's opinion of Harriet - I think it's the first time she has met her - is that Harriet isn't all there. That she told Beth that after the meeting. I can see how Harriet came across like that. Her lack of emotion and speaking. It was wierd. Her face is hard to read, not that it's like stone, but just she always has this bewildered expression. Sometimes her eyes will flicker when she is mad but you really don't know until she starts talking or gets up and stomps off. When Penelope was done with her brain training (bioneurofeedback) we talked mostly about her letter and her feelings and how she felt before and after and all that.
When we got into the SUV to leave, Penelope said "What is that smell?? It stinks!.... Did you see Heather today?" It was Heather's gifts. They reak. They smell like smoke and poo. I have gone through them and it seems she did make a scarf and bought some knit gloves, a couple little handheld games and a DVD. I had to check because last Christmas Harriet told me she bought her some books, but one was a journal and it had this long letter to Penelope and said "I'm sorry you feel like I hurt you. I hope you are able to deal with it." Yeah. Her presents last year stunk too. I found Penelope spraying the books and the pages down with some watermelon body spritz to cover the stink.