Thanksgiving

I can think of many things I can be thankful for. My dad, my mom, Penelope, my ability to offer Penelope the help she needs, my twin brother and his family, my friends even though I avoid them like the plague anymore, Penelope's school and the people in her life that care for her and support her, and my cats too I guess. I'm more thankful for these things now than I've ever been. I am suppose to include my health but I don't think I really have that too much anymore. There are other things but if I don't have them, then I can't put them on the list. This is suppose to be the holiday we are thankful for things we have. But, honestly, I'm having a hard time looking at things as half full, rather than half empty. I wish that my life turned out so much differently. It's not healthy to think that way because life is what it is. What can I do about it is what I should be thinking. I just feel totally unable to do anything about it. I fight for the things I believe are for the best and are the right thing to do. But then I just feel constantly criticized by the people that I love. I tell them how I feel, what I need, my worries, how I'm trying to deal with them, and I don't get any support from it. It's never "What can I do to help you?" It's "Yeah, I understand.... well, I gotta go." That's my twin brother or my dad. My mom tries to either tell what to do different, or try to one up me. That's when she doesn't need to go too. When I tell her that I just need her to listen and support me, she tells me how she has given up everything for me and Penelope. She carries a lot of guilt around and has a hard time dealing with the things I say.
But every once a while, one of these people comes through and listens so I continue to crave that interaction but it's far and few between. I need someone to talk to who can help carry this burden with me and my family are not those people. I feel so alone in this.
Really my total depression while writing this blog was sparked by my mother's revelation early today that my dad thinks I'm controlling. Typically this would just piss me off for a few minutes but I just am so tired of fighting.. or worrying about anything anymore. I just think sometimes that I can't do this anymore. I give up! I want to call my dad and ask him why he thinks I'm controlling. What am I doing wrong?

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and was so miserably depressed I stopped writing and had my little meltdown. During it, I tried to analyze why my mother told me what she did as well as why I was in such a deep funk. I have to look at the context of the conversation I was having with her to get a good read about where she was coming from. She had called me pissed off at me. Once again. I have offered to make Thanksgiving Dinner this year, at her house, but still. I needed to ask her a question about it but she couldn't talk when I called, but called me later to find out what I needed. She happened to have George in the car with her when she called but I didn't know that at the time. She was pissed at me for talking to her about Thanksgiving in front of George when he isn't able to be there. She was also pissed at George because he has been borrowing her car because his has been down on and off for about 2 months now - and they had a blow up about his lack of consideration for her needs over her car and been living on her couch messing up the house a few nights a week. On top of that, my dad has been getting on her about helping to get the house ready for Thanksgiving. So, she turns all this stress she is dealing with and dumps it on me.
But I also pissed her off being I vetoed her idea of going to a nearby family hotel/indoor water rides/restaurant/game room for Thanksgiving. For whatever reason (to make life harder I believe), she doesn't want to "share" my twin brother and his family on Thanksgiving with my sister-in-laws family. My mom hates/loathes her mother. They are having their Thanksgiving meal at 1pm which would be perfect for them to have it with us at like 6pm. But, no. So we are having it on Friday so we can spend more time with them. But Friday is a big football game day and my dad, my twin brother, his wife and her dad are all going to the game. They won't be able to make it to my parents' house until 4:30-5:00 anyway. So my mom has offered for myself, Penelope and her to watch my niece and nephew while they are gone all day at the game. My brother plans on dropping the little ones (3 and 4 1/2) at my mom's at 7am Friday. So Penelope and I have to stay the night Thursday night. But because my mom wants Penelope to do something special ON Thanksgiving, she wanted to do the big outing. But, financially, we are so strapped. George found out his and Penelope's insurance is being cancelled effective the end of the month. I don't have insurance. So I'm waiting to get something from the state for her because of her RAD. Also, there is something to do with social security she could be eligible for. But in the interim, some of her meds may need to be refilled and she may not have coverage and her pills are $1,000 roughly per month. I'm still trying to find employment with absolutely no success so my expenses, which I limit to the bare necessities, are paid for by my parents. It really rubs me the wrong way that my mom bitches about the fact that she is now on a budget because of me and how hard that is, but just got back from a Florida vacation with a friend, drops hundrends of dollars here and there for her hair, nails, getting her dogs bathed, new clothes, gifts for people just because, and I'm in a position where I may need to get rid of my house, move Penelope and I into a different community uprooting her when she has such a great network of support here. It just pisses me off. And this was another example where she wants to spend money we, as a family, just don't have! I told her that they are way over priced, and I know that I personally wouldn't have any fun but would be sick to my stomach the entire time because of how much it costs. When things are better, sure we can go do that, but not now. So, she also told me that my vetoing this outing pissed her off because anything she comes up with I turned down. She doesn't know why (even though I specifically told her, and her response to it was "Well, not spending the money would make your dad happy." No shit, he knows we can't afford it either) whether or not it's because Penelope isn't strong enough to handle it or not. I told her (again) why, and that Penelope would probably love it, minus the end when her money runs out in the game room and she makes us all miserable with how it sucks we can't stay longer and why can't she have more money etc. Anyway, she was mad about that too. And that I last week, after Penelope's band concert, tried to talk to her about the fact that her and dad being 20 minutes late upset Penelope to tears - with her abandonment issues, she was afraid they weren't coming and that was really hard on her despite all my efforts to tell her otherwise. She was mad that I got on her case about it because she had to meet a client to pick up a form. My dad already ratted her out because her "client" was her friend from vacation and they had dinner.I wasn't going to get into the details with her until she tried to say that her lateness was out of her control because of this work-related event she had to do. But I had a hard time letting it go then since both Penelope's parents have always had excuses for why they did what they did including being late or not showing up at all. So I had to call her out. She said "I didn't have dinner, I had a salad." okay.... So, here she is all pissed at me for alllllll these reasons. And somewhere during the conversation when we were discussing how I pissed her off discussing Thanksgiving in front of George and I had told her I found this great recipe for roasting a few seasoned turkey breasts instead of making one big bird, she cut me off and said "No. I want a whole turkey." When I tried to ask why, she said she jumped me about forgetting George in that there needs to be leftovers for him. I told her that there would still be plenty of food, same amount with a whole turkey, just easier to cook and all that. Everything I found seemed really difficult and all the tools needed would be expensive overall so I was trying to be creative. She didn't care and said she wanted a whole turkey. I said "Fine, I'll just have dad order our dinner from the grocery store then." My goal was to stay close to how much they typically spend when they've been ordering the meal from the grocery store and supplementing it with a couple things. But I wanted to make it so it didn't taste like what it was - dinner heated up in the microwave. Just stay in the same range cost-wise. That was the question I called to ask, "How much did you spend on that ready made meal?" But the reason she jumped me was because I was talking to her about it with George right there. How am I suppose to know he was there? The other issue was that I again was pointing out that it wasn't a good idea to spend a lot of money, and she gets down right childish when you tell her "No." about spending money. So she told me that my dad said I was controlling.
Okay, so I still, after trying to figure out where this was coming from at least acknoledged that she was saying it to hurt my feelings because she was pissed at me, still wanted to call my dad to find out why he thinks I'm controlling and what I did wrong. Just because she was using it as a weapon doesn't mean my dad didn't actually say it. I know that I had talked to my dad earlier and he was at the end of his rope with everything and he doesn't need to have to mediate my mom and I arguing on top of it. I was afraid to call him and have that conversation because I was pretty upset - devestated that he would say that about me or feel that way, and I know it hurts him to hear me that upset, but also that he was already stressed about everything to put that on him too.
So I called my twin brother. I needed to talk to someone. I was in a very dark place and I just want it to end. To not feel so hopeless and have all this guilt on my shoulders when I feel it's not justified. We talked for a while about several things related to Penelope and George and mom. I told him how mom told me dad said I am controlling and I'm not sure how so. He told me that he feels I'm controlling because I control the Penelope. That I "hover" over Penelope too much. This wasn't helping. But we kept it constructive. I told him that I understand how an outsider can see it from that perspective. But the thing is, is that Penelope is not normal. She has a lot of problems. I hover from one person's persepective but I'm too laid back from another's. The thing is, is that he and George are the only ones in our family that haven't seen Penelope at her worst or sees her bad behaviors because she is usually the perfect princess in front of them. Once in a while she will act out but only to the extent she looks immature and bratty, not sick. He doesn't understand how her brain works, what it needs, and how that is different than most kids. I worry about not allowing her to benefit from independence, free thinking, be creative, not to censor her, and that is a battle that comes with every situation differently. But this is where I have a problem with him having that perspective. I tried to educate him on how she is doing, things that go on, what she is dealing with. I tell him these things not to vent, but so he understands why I make the decisions I do on her behalf. BECAUSE he has an opinion. But because he isn't involved in it, he really doesn't understand.Most of the time he tells me that I don't need to go into the details but then still has an opinion. So, why can't he just say "I really don't know and understand what's going on. But you, my sister, who I feel is relatively intelligent and have obviously done a lot of right things for Penelope because her improvement is very apparent - keep doing whatever you are doing because I have faith in you as a person to do the right thing. Instead, because even though we can all agree that Penelope's needs come first, there are more personal needs that conflict with Penelope's, I get critized made to feel guilty for how my decisions impact you all. He tried to say that he means controlling in a good way, because it's not that I'm doing something wrong, it's just that I'm controlling Penelope. I pointed out that as parents we all control our kids by making decisions on their behalf and tell them they can or can't do something. But people don't go around saying "That person is controlling, just because they are parenting." He claims I don't understand but I think he was trying to be too political and painted himself in a corner. But, regardless, it helped to just talk about it. Before that conversation, I was ready to just call up my dad and throw up my hands. Not about what he may or may not have said alone but just finally crumbling under the pressure of my family for me to make Penelope be past this. I was going to tell him that it was totally up to him if George comes to Thanksgiving. I won't be upset if he is. I'm just not going to make that decision anymore. I can't deal with the burden of it anymore.
I did eventually call my dad, after about 3 hours. He was in the process of picking up George to take him somewhere. I told him that I think mom isn't mad at me anymore and I made up with her - so he didn't have to worry about that. But I did want to ask him about something she said but since he's with George it's probably not a good time. He wanted to know what it was. I told him. I said "I just wanted to find out, if it was true, why he felt that way. What I was doing wrong." He just said "She said that, did she? Huh. Don't worry kiddo, you are not doing anything wrong." He didn't deny saying it, but I'm not going to worry about it anymore. He is the only person in my family, for the most part who does support me by having faith in my ability to make good decisions for Penelope and even though, has an opinion here and there about things, recognizes that even when he may think I'm making a mistake, it ends up being the right decision and have a positive outcome that on occasion has changed his opinion.
But, this Thanksgiving sucks big time. And because my mom, who called ME controlling, doesn't want to share Thanksgiving with her son's mother-in-law, has pushed it back until Friday, but still wants to make a day out of Thanksgiving for Penelope so we have finally decided on going to see Old Dogs at the theater and do a light dinner back and having to spend the night since the little ones will be there bright and early Friday morning so everyone else can go to the football game. It's turned into a 2 full day event.
Then, yesterday, George wanted to know when he was suppose to come for Thanksgiving. But my mom was under the impression he was spending Thanksgiving with some friends at his hangout and was avoiding the family. But she threw out Saturday to him. So now it's a 3 day event on their end. But then YESTERDAY, coincidentally after I emailed George about Penelope wanting to know if he could make his "famous" cornbread she loves so she could have it on Thanksgiving, he called my mom and cancelled Saturday. He agreed, and actually already made the cornbread, but as he said "Don't want to be last." I think he either didn't hear my mom or it pissed him off that I knew, that the plan for Saturday was to chomp on leftovers. I had told him to make his regular amount for her and he could have what's left with the rest of the leftovers. Mom wanted him to only make a single serving for Penelope because she wanted to make the cornbread.
When I found out about him cancelling, I emailed him to find out if I had pissed him off.He didn't respond right away so I called him. He was full of excuses so it was pretty clear he was feeling bad. But then he had to go. So I called my mom and told her about my conversation with him. I won't feel guilty and I'm sad that he isn't doing anything - not guilt but because I was glad he was spending it with friends who can help him find a different source of identity and self worth other than burdening Penelope with it. But I offered for him to take Thanksgiving. It's really her need to have Penelope have family time on Thanksgiving but we are doing it on Friday. Penelope is really not going to care. After my mom let go of her need to do it for Penelope, my dad talked to George and he agreed to spend the day with them. So Penelope and I are not holiday-ing it today. We are playing games and doing whatever we want. So I was able to shorten our thanksgiving as well as have George get his time so people can get off my back about it some. Oh, and I'm not making a whole turkey, I'm making two of them. They are smaller so they will be easier not to make it fried out like the store makes them. And I'm still in budget. Barely but it will be good.