Visit with George

Penelope had her first visit with George since the the beginning of August on Friday. The pressure had been really growing for the visit over the past month. And I honestly want to get past this part of where Penelope's life is at. We just needed it to be when Penelope is ready - and part of her being ready is really when George was ready too. Because "the elephant in the room" as the saying goes, was always going to create anxiety and conflicted emotions in Penelope.
I have been talking to George quite a bit the last couple of weeks - about a lot of things. But I wanted to get a good read on where he was in his progress of getting himself ready. That takes a while because George is a liar, a manipulator, and very selfish. But he is also one who will talk too much and end up showing his cards. During our conversations, it was brought up again how there is this thought that the reason Penelope flakes out after a visit with her dad is because of the infrequency of the visits. He seemed much more waivering than he has ever been on this issue. I reminded him, with a lot of conviction, that that reason is not it at all and why. He knows this upcoming visit has a lot riding on it - Christmas. If she does well with this visit, than we can all spend Christmas together. The fact it has a lot riding on it, also can give him more determination to lie and be deceitful too.
I had to go to his house to help him with a phone call he had to make about his health insurance, and I brought with me one of Penelope's files. It has things that I don't know for sure George has ever seen - probably just heard about but never seen. About where she used to be. Her suicide letter/drawing. The journal she kept in the hospital during her last visit. The poster she drew all over with disturbing things. Emails from Harriet and her family. Other disturbing drawings that Penelope has over the past year. I wanted him to see it. To live it for a few minutes so he can see what this girl has gone through and where she is now, and learn what she needs from him.
Penelope needs to hear him apologize. She needs to hear him tell her how proud he is of her. She needs to hear him tell her that she is so glad that she has me and what a great job I'm doing for her. And lastly, she needs to hear that he knows it's best for her to stay with me permanently and he wants what is best for her.
We had talked about it on the phone early on Friday - I wanted him to understand the importance of it. I wanted to make sure he believed it. And I think he does - reluctantly. In admitting these things, he also has to admit he did things wrong, and he wasn't a good father in the standards he wanted to set for himself. I knew this was hard for him.
I also knew it would be hard for Penelope. One thing I have learned over the past few months, is I'm really the one that needs to speak to Penelope about the things that have happened in her life. Her ATs have talked about them in the beginning - in order to send her the message that it was not her fault - and help her come out of her defensive, dark corner. But, now that she is a lot better, she still has a lot of feelings about what has happened - and as she gets older, she gets a new perspective on them as well. I'm the one here every day, so I am the one who needs to work with her on them. My concern is knowing the right way to handle it. I know that being the one to bring them up is okay - not sit around until she decides to talk about them. I've learned she can only tolerate a short period of time discussing things. So I do it in short but frequent conversations. But we have talked about how she feels about her dad. We have talked about the good and the bad. How she feels about it, what she wants out of her relationship with him. I make her think and process her feelings about him. She has become more realistic about her perception of him. She could still use some more work. She has anger towards him that she is afraid to express. I don't want her to be angry with him, but I don't want her act like she has to carry the burden as part of their love. That it's the job of the daughter weather that kind of treatment. She has value too. She is important and her feelings and boundaries should be respected. This was not something she ever received before and she deserves it.
So the plan was to have their visit Friday shortly after school for about an hour. This time I was going to be there. No worries or concerns with whether I knew or not and what I thought about things. We all three talked and played cards and had fun. Then George was to have the conversation with her. He started to but then, after everything, forgot what he was suppose to say. Nice. So he needed to talk to me to refresh his memory. I don't know how the boy functions. He had only gotten to the first one, where he apologized for making bad decisions and not putting her first. She said "That's okay." When he came to me to remind him of 2, 3 and 4, I told him not to let her say it's okay. That's her way of not trying to show her feelings and letting him off the hook, which in her heart she shouldn't do that easily. He agreed, and started over with her and told her "It's not okay. It's serious and I'm not okay with it either," but reassured her he would never do it again. I never told him to say that but I hope he can live up to that promise.
They had a good talk overall and Penelope felt good about it. She told me that she said "Are you also sorry for yelling at me every second of the minute?" He told her he was. Good for her!
I was very proud of her. She spoke her mind to an extent. It's a beginning. Also, during the card game, they were sharing a bin of grapes. Penelope went to give him a grape and he leaned in like he wanted her to feed it to him. She said "No dad. I don't feed you. You feed yourself." It may seem like a little thing, but it's not. She was setting boundaries with him and knows not to fear him about it and that it's not her job to take care of him. It was all good.
What's even better is she hasn't had any additonal problems since seeing him! Her Uncle B, who has been pushing the hardest, called Penelope on Saturday and tell her how proud he was that she was being so strong (not acting out) from the visit. We will see how school goes. It's like two different worlds for her, home and school. So far, so good.