The Holiday Season has begun

We made it through Thanksgiving, the actual event and that weekend rather unscathed. However, it went down hill as soon as Penelope went back to school on Monday. Between the fact that the holiday season makes her think of her past, and the breakup of her regular routine, she isn't coping as good as she was. She is having positive experiences but she gobbles them up and is still left empty. Nothing is good enough. And to try to get her to do things that are not pleasant, like chores or helping me with something makes her spontaneously turn into a 3 year old in a tantrum. She had tutor on Monday night, and I had to pick her up early because she was refusing to do her work and even crawled under the work table to hide. She hasn't crawled under a table to avoid homework in 1 1/2 years. 1 1/2 years ago was when Penelope was in and out of the hospital. I'm not saying that is where she is again, but she is starting to show those signs.
I'm trying not to take my anger about her regression out on her. I'm just not as strong as I was 1 1/2 years ago. I feel much more knowledgeable, but that doesn't negate my ability to hold it together. There is power in the knowledge though, and one thing I've learned is that I'm not a good assessor of my strength. I seem to pull it out of who knows where when it's necessary. I think that I need some me time, to make myself more a priority in order to do that. I hear it, I read it, I know it, I just don't do it. I don't value it and I resist it too much - as a waste of time or money or energy. I'd rather sleep. But I'm going to make a conscious effort, maybe a new years resolution in hopes calling it that doesn't sabatoge it, to do for me. Set some personal goals this coming year.
1) Get a job - hopefully one that pays enough we don't have to move.
2) Exercise - get out of the house at least - sun therapy.
3) Get your hair cut on a regular basis. You would think this is a no-brainer but I'm going for a personal record of how long it's been since my hair has been cut. I'm over a year right now.
4) Quit making excuses for why you don't take care of yourself. Like say I'm going for a personal record on how long I can go without getting my hair cut.
5) Go to the doctor and make sure you are physically AND mentally healthy. Needing happy pills is just one issue I need to look at.

Those are a good, basic start. Job, health, personal appearance... got to start somewhere. Since I'm basically starting over.

It probably would do Penelope some good to sit down and come up with 5 personal goals herself. I've tried that in the past with her, but it takes personal will power to follow through, and she just didn't have any. But since she is older, and wants to be stronger, healthier - maybe. Despite her regression at least. I just try to remember these things are temporary. But this is worse than ususal. It's also the first since she decided to start trying. Sometimes her anxiety of wanting to do well backfires and causes her to freak out so maybe that's also what we are dealing with. Not hopeless Penelope like last year, but "I'm fighting and sometimes there are civilian casualties" Penelope.

We have therapy on Thursday and I'm looking forward to it. Brain training really helps her think more clearly. And most of the time, her ATs can get her to regroup and process things better too.

I just hope today is a better day than the first two of this week. I received a long email about how Penelope wasn't doing well at school yesterday. Mrs. Brown was great about trying to help her get through the day- even had lunch with her which during they prepped for her Social Studies test that she had previously refused to do - causing her tutoring session to be cut short. But Mrs. Brown is reinstating the pink sheets, as I call them, which is a behavior assessment for each class, as well as a problem-solving grid - to process problems that occur, productively. Penelope was suppose to talk to me about it but she never did. She didn't tell me anything that occurred yesterday. Even after I had asked about her day. She told me about her day but it was all a lie.

Harriet finally emailed me back, even though I already knew she had talked to her mother about them both going and meeting with Penelope's therapists. She sat on it for a week before contacting me. And with her mother's schedule, it pretty much only leaves 4 days before Christmas they can look at to see it they can go. I told Harriet that it didn't leave much time and her response was "If it can't happen before Christmas, I'll understand." But then, about two weeks ago she called George and was complaining about how I have been keeping "our" daughter away from "us." He said the purpose of her call was to see if he wanted her to drop off food for Thanksgiving for him. Yeah, like she is really concerned about George not having a good Thanksgiving - the person she has accused of so many things.. She was fishing to see if he was spending Thanksgiving with us! But that's Harriet. When she didn't get an answer that satisfied that question, she went in on the "us" thing. He told her that she could have seen Penelope by now, that she just needs to go to therapy. Her response was "I don't have to. It's not court ordered." This is very true as I have learned. How does she know this though? But George said he responded "It's not about a court, it's about what is best for Penelope. I went to therapy and it wasn't even recommended." Besides the fact his sentence leaves out alot about the issues around his therapy and that yes it wasn't recommended at the same time as Harriet's, Penelope's ATs recommended it. But besides that, it's a valid point that it's amazing that people are okay overlooking. If it would benefit your daughter, your relationship with your daughter, and maybe yourself, what's the problem?? You are willing to go almost a 1 1/2 years not seeing your daughter because it's not court ordered? The thing is, it wasn't court ordered to not be allowed to see Penelope but she's been going along with that. If she really was trying to take a stance about only following a court's order, than why didn't she try to see Penelope sooner? From my perspective, Harriet has always said that she was "trying" or "plans on" doing this or that related to getting therapy and knew that was the doctor's recommendation. I knew she didn't want to go to therapy - too much anxiety over it, in denial, anti-authority...whatever the reason. But they were all issues she was claiming to try to work through. But who knows. I'm not stupid and really think she had all those appointments she told me about. She wanted to come across like she cared (is that the right word?) enough to go through this for Penelope's benefit.
Anyway, we will see if she actually makes an appointment. Part of me thinks that because she took the "If it can't happen before Christmas, I'll understand" attitude, her need to see Penelope may have subsided and she won't make the appointment and may stop trying to see her. We will see! All I know, is I need to get my shit together before Penelope visists with Harriet so I can handle the aftermath without self destructing.