Surviving the Holidays

Penelope is surviving the holidays but so symptomatic. Worse than usual, since winter break started. I'm glad it will be over at the end of the week and she will be back in school and her normal schedule come Monday. I suspect that the first few days of school are not going to go well, but it's a hurdle to better days so we will push on.
I've been trying to plan some fun events for Penelope and I, to have structure and a schedule during this break, but I don't think I'm doing the right things. Actually, I know I am not. I'm struggling just keeping things together. Her first day of break, I tried to spring a surprise on her which backfired. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I was thinking how I had been planning it for months, originally when she was doing a lot better than she is now - and I still went through with it. She has a dear friend that she hasn't seen since the summer, and I arranged a surprise visit with lunch and a movie. Her friend hid behind the last row in my mom's SUV and popped out "Surprise!" Penelope loved it and was so excited to see her friend. She was reeling and so thankful but when lunch and the movie was over, she couldn't handle that. She wanted it to continue and it just wasn't possible. Her friend had to go home and she doesn't live nearby. The ride home and the rest of the evening, Penelope sulked and was upset.
This isn't the first time that this issue of her attitude at the end of an event or day of extreme fun ruins the entire day. Her one therapist, Carrie, calls it "Too much of heaven." Too much fun. Never enough from her perspective. It's hard because, like I said, it was something that has been in the works, coordinating with her friend and her friends mom for a while now. It's hard to see her so ungrateful, but I also know she just isn't dealing well right now with the holidays. Neither am I which is making it practically impossible to be strong enough for her.
I could tell that, even though Penelope wasn't aggressive/angry anymore, she still had a bit of anxiety and fear going on related to the letter she wrote for Harriet. I spoke to her about her feelings about the letter some more, and she was still stressing out about the letter. She knew Harriet was going to read the letter and she was afraid Harriet was going to seek revenge and do something to either her or I. She didn't know that Harriet had already seen the letter, and I hadn't yet given Penelope the presents Harriet and her mom had sent with me. Penelope didn't know about the meeting I had with them. It was enough pressure for her to just write the letter knowing that her mom was going to read it at some point in the future, let alone that next day. So I didn't want to alarm her by divulging what really went on. I waited until a few days later and told her that Beth had spoken to Harriet and read her the letter. That Harriet said she understood and she wanted to go to therapy and that Beth had offered to help her get into therapy. All that was true. Unforutnetly, Penelope didn't buy what Harriet said. She said that Harriet lied and that she is a liar and she just doesn't want Beth to know that she is going to do something bad. I used the opportunity of giving Penelope the presents as a means to let her know that Harriet wasn't mad at her for the letter and hopefully help her calm down. She seemed to calm down and agree that Harriet must not be mad at her if she sent presents but her behavior is still on high alert. So, I'm just hoping with the holidays over soon, that she can move past this. I know I need her to as much as she needs to.
Also, the few days before Christmas, Penelope went to a winter break activity program that our community set up for middle school kids. It sounded like fun, just a couple hours a day M-W. A short break for me which was nice. I scheduled it for all the available days, M-W this week and last. However, this week, I didn't let her go. I am not sure how to explain the way that Penelope socializes. I don't see it since it's not there, it's just my analysis based on what I know about her, and what she tells me and what I hear from Mrs. Brown. Penelope tends to gravitate, or attract girls who see Penelope as a project. Penelope likes the attention. She likes people fussing over her. But she has such low self-esteem, despite how she talks and acts, that she doesn't care if these kids walk all over her or talk down to her. She is okay being the baby as long as she is in charge. She manipulates them in this way, by being the center of attention - the project. Well, supposedly, there is a boy that went to the program on Tuesday that is a grade above Penelope and likes her. Penelope doesn't have an opinion one way or the other about it, but is super excited that he likes her. Don't get me wrong, this little girl is totally boy crazy. She will tell you that she has had over 25 boyfriends in her life, has "made out... with tongue and everything" and doesn't have a problem with it. She is twelve. TWELVE! Now, I'm not sure how she defines "boyfriend" because once she talked about how she was dating this particular boy for a "few hours." But, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she has "made out" with a boy. I know that she has gotten into trouble for trying to kiss a boy, has asked for kisses and things along those lines. The boys in her class are so clueless, it's my saving grace - for the meantime. However, she doesn't think anything of it. She doesn't care that it draws negative attention to her. She doesn't care she is too young - she doesn't care that she knows she is this boy crazy because she was sexually molested when she was a lot younger. She doesn't care. She likes how it makes her feel, the attention she gets. Now, you might think, "You can't keep her away whenever there is a boy that likes her" and you are right. I don't even try to guilt her or tell her boys are bad or anything like that. I know she has these feelings and I acknowledge them - I don't promote them but just listen to her tell me what is going on. But this situation is different. So there is this "older" boy who likes her. She never once said she liked or disliked him but was so excited that this boy likes her. A couple girls at the program who have taken Penelope on as a project are trying to "help" her with this boy and tell her how to wear her hair on Monday and what to wear etc. The thing is, I don't trust these little girls - sometimes Penelope picks these "helper" types that sincerely want to help Penelope. But then, she also tends to find these gaggle of girls who really don't care about Penelope and her feelings, and just want something to do that is exciting. So I could totally see this situation turn really bad with the thought "Now, they are boyfriend/girlfriend. 'I dare you too....'" type of situation. Penelope would do it. When I talked to her about the fact that you don't go out with a boy just because he likes you, she said "I wouldn't want to be rude. I don't want hurt his feelings" Yeah, that's the reassuring mentality I need to hear. "I had sex with him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings." Ugh. And I'm trying to say that Penelope is going into this whole situation niave and just caving to peer pressure - she thoroughly enjoys this stuff and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't the initiator of any inappropriateness with the boy. She just likes to hang her hat on "I didn't want to be rude" or "They told me to." She is an expert manipulator.
So she didn't get to go to the activity program this week and we've been together 24/7 for too many days in a row. I am struggling big time. I am snapping at her, and just having an overall hard time parenting her with the right mindset.
My mother scheduled a doctor's appointment for me, concerned about my extreme depression and some other medical issues. She scheduled me with her doctor and made some payment arrangement with them. She prescribed some anti-depressants and is doing bloodwork on the rest of the stuff. My mom had let her in on why I am depressed. She wanted to talk about that and even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry, I sobbed. I couldn't help it. She talked about how I need to be a role-model for Penelope and take care of myself. Not let Penelope be an excuse for not taking care of myself. I don't consider her an excuse but I definitely feel like it takes every ounce of energy to take care of her, and I being second, there isn't anything left for me. But I know, I KNOW, I know that if I take care of myself better it will be easier to take care of Penelope. I think I've crossed that line where is not possible to turn back without significant help. Penelope bounces back from her downturns. I just stay here, and then when she has another downturn, I sink deeper into my own hole.
I had a really long talk a couple of days ago with Penelope's tutor who is so awesome. I consider her my friend and I wish I was a better friend. I tend to blow off or alienate my friends. I just don't want to burden them with my problems and I am utterly consumed with them. And because my brain doesn't work properly these days, and there is a holiday or some break in routine, it throws me off and I ended up missing a tutoring session. She calls and I can't call her back because I feel so bad about it. It's stupid I know. And she is understanding about it, but I still feel bad. I know she has a hard time with the holidays too for other reasons, and I wish I could be there for her as much as she has been there for me, but I am spent - my brain is mush so when I go to reach for something appropriate to say I end up saying "oh.. um.." I care for her alot and she loves Penelope and I am so happy we met her.
My dad is also wonderful. I think I'm the only one in my family who thinks that, and maybe that's just the father/daughter thing - but I just know that I don't know where I'd be, where Penelope would be without him. He told me he is going to save my house for me. It's going to be expensive but he is going to figure it out. He says that we have put too much into it, to let it go. Penelope needs to stay in the school she is in because she has such a great support system there - and she does. It's taken several years to build the relationship with the school that we have and Penelope wouldn't cope well starting over somewhere else.
Speaking of father/daughter relationships - Penelope got to spend Christmas with George. It was planned that way, and she for the most part did well. She split her time between her dad and her cousins. But at the end of the day, she totally went into little girl - mode and tried to take care of her dad, offering to get him things, wanting to sit on his lap, then eventually laying on him. He didn't try to stop it, and promoted the behavior by asking her to do things for him and telling her "Daddy has a comfy lap, doesn't he?" Yeah... I was very uncomfortable with this and got her to go take her desert plate to the kitchen sink. He used that opportunity to get up and get ready to leave - since he should have left 30 minutes earlier based on the fact he had to be somewhere and was going to be late at this point.
I talked to him at length yesterday about the whole thing, trying to keep things positive and productive. I started by telling him about Penelope's issue with the boy at the winter program and her attitude towards boys and how he could help in that department by building a healthy father/daughter relationship with her because girls tend to go into relationships with boys based on things they have learned through their relationship with their father. Respect, self-esteem, boundaries, etc. I asked him if he understood what I was talking about. He said he did, but he didn't necessarily agree. Of course not, he'd hate to think Penelope would have adopted the same mentality she has taken with her Daddy "I didn't want to hurt his feelings (and be rejected)" and it end up possibly being his fault.
I talked to him about the visit on Christmas and how overall it was good, with that "glitch" and how I take that as the visit was too long and Penelope wasn't strong enough to keep up the boundaries and let it slip back into the old type of relationship that itsn't healthy etc. He agreed but when I talked to him about his part in it, he was full of excuses. I told him that some of these things in a normal situation wouldn't be any issue, but being in a place where the relationship was unhealthy and trying to rebuild it requires more defined boundaries. He admitted that it did make him uncomfortable to have her sitting on his lap and lay back on him. I said "Good! So you felt that boundary being crossed. But why didn't you say anything?" He said, "I was trying to think of something to say but then you said that thing about taking the plate to the kitchen before I had a chance to." I had to think about that but I called him on his BS. When I walked into the room, he was sitting on the floor leaning back with his upper back against a sofa watching TV. Penelope was kneeling between his legs. I was thinking "Um, okay.. what is going on" but I just stood there and waited to see what was next. My Dad and other brother were also in the room watching TV. They tend to stay out of these things and let me be the bearer of bad news. A few seconds later, George and Penelope positioned themselves where Penelope is sitting in his lap and laying back against him. I still didn't say anything but not liking it. Penelope said "You are a comfy chair." George said "Daddy does have a compfy lap, doesn't he?" and she said "Daddy has always had a compfy lap." At that point, I wanted to end it and came up with the plate bit. He was quiet, he knew I was telling the truth about what went down and the timeline. He had plenty of opportunity to stop it but instead decided he'd rather tell her that he liked it by making the comment he did. But, again, trying to keep things positive, I told him that they both have a lot of work to do and it's work in progress and that I see it as a learning opportunity. He said he didn't know what to say to her. I told him I didn't see anything wrong with him just being straightforward and telling her something like "I don't think this is a good idea for helping us have a good relationship. I want that for us." etc or whatever was more natural for him. He said he doesn't want to have her feel rejected. This is the thing - George likes to hang his hat on this excuse. I do believe he wants her to not feel rejected, but it's all about the delivery. But telling her "No" in these types of situations goes against his need to put himself first and get those warm and fuzzies he gets when Penelope lays on top of him. Or treats him like the king he wants to be and she falls back into that Queen role, taking care of her king. It's the relationship he prefers. She knows no other relationship.
My twin brother told me that he had spoken to George since my conversation, and that George was all pissed about how I had a problem with what happened on Christmas and tried to make the excuses with him, even though I had shut them down. He blamed Penelope wanting to act that way and he didn't want to reject her or hurt her feelings. So I just feel like George, again, is fighting any accountability or acknowledging that his actions have any power over how Penelope can heal because in order to do that, he has to admit that his actions also had hurt her. He feels that he should be able to do whatever he wants, and all Penelope's problems are due to her "illness caused by her mother." I wish he'd get his head out of his butt.
I had already made the decision to put Penelope on birth control but that's going to prevent only one problem - significant as that one may be, but not a slew of others.
But, we are spending New Years' with my mom and going to do girl stuff. My dad is out of town at a football game with a bunch of his buddies.