Some weeks are more eventful than others. I prefer the uneventful weeks right now. Not many events are good ones and if they are, then end poorly because Penelope can't handle too much good before she wrecks it. This issue used to be worse for her, but it's never been as severe as stories I've heard. Penelope will ruin her good time by setting unrealistic expectations and then throw the biggest fit if they are not met. When you make some big gesture of your love to her, she accuses you of doing it for because "you have to" for the show of it, not that it is sincere.
When I returned home this morning from taking Penelope to school, I saw this broken folding TV tray in my garage. It should be thrown out. It reminded me how it got broken and just how hard it was to learn to control my anger with Penelope. How hard she used to try to push me away, and how sometimes she was so successful at it.
I broke that TV tray a little over a year ago. Broke one of the brackets off underneath it, that holds the tray up. It was late fall, and Penelope had a little cold. I made her chicken noodle soup for lunch. She wanted to watch TV in my room while she ate her soup. So I set up the TV tray with her soup, and some crackers where she could sit on the end of my bed and watch cartoons. I went into the kitchen to retrieve her drink and I heard a big crash and her scream and start wailing. I ran into my room not sure what to expect. Her explanation was that she had tried to eat her soup but was so hot, it burned her mouth causing her to drop the bowl and some of the hot soup got on her leg which was why she was screaming. I can totally see that happen and it be a mistake. But evidence was to the contrary. The entire bowl was empty. The bowl was one of those kinds that looks like a huge coffee cup with a handle on it. So it has high sides. There was soup, chicken and noodles all over about a 4 foot by 4 foot section of my bed, which the covers had been pulled back to expose the sheets - which meant the soup would have penetrated the mattress. And then there was more soup and noodles etc. on the floor in a splatter pattern, with the broken bowl next to it. The mess! I stripped her jeans off her - to attend to any possible alleged skin burns first. No burns. Barely a drop of soup on her. It just confirmed for me that she did it on purpose. I was so pissed, alarms were going off in my head. In a split second of rage, when I picked up the TV tray to move it away so I could start cleaning up my room, I threw it into the hallway and it crashed on the hardwood floor.
It was a heavy wood one and it made such a racket that it scared the tar out of both of us. It shocked me into a better way of thinking. I immediately calmed down and reassessed the situation. Penelope is not burned which is most important. I don't have to clean up the mess - she does so why am I fretting? I said "Start pulling the linens off the bed while I get you a roll of paper towels and a plastic bag." I never chastised her for what she did or even reminded her how wrong it was of her.
One thing I have learned is that these kids do not do these things because they don't know better. They do it to push your buttons in order to push you away. Their tolerance of being hated, yelled at, even hit, is so high that if you did these things, it would just be proof to them that you can't handle it - you are not capable of taking care of them. They are evil and no one is capable of taking care of an evil child so you might as well give up on them now. They are the only ones that can take care of themselves. That's how they think.
But what they have a hard time dealing with is having someone show them love, unconditionally. Unwaivering. A person who can put up with all the crap they dish out - and still love them? Doesn't judge them? Doesn't hate them? Still puts them first?
Was Penelope pouring her soup all over my room the worst thing she has ever done? Not in the least. Was it the last thing she ever did like that? Far from it. Did she pour soup or anything of the sort like it ever again? Nope - never again.
She came close to getting my goat, but she didn't. If she had, she very likely would have done it again or something similiar. If I had yelled at her, or grounded her, or punished her in a different way, she would know a way that would get to me and use it to get to me when she wanted to.
She had figured out buttons of mine as I went through the process of reprogramming. She knew telling me her dad was better at taking care of her than me pissed me off. Homework used to be a huge battle for us. Her treatment of my cat would set me off. Her "baby talk" as I call it, her farting on me, hygiene issues, lies, stealing, wetting the bed. I had to address each of them differently to get them to go away.
My philosophy became "If it doesn't work, stop doing it." If punishments, and yelling don't work, then why do it?" I think that reprogramming has really become ingrained for me. Where I see other parents get so frustrated when they have to repeat themselves over and over again yelling each time - doesn't work. I've been there, but I've learned it's like that story about putting 50 cents in a pop machine and nothing coming out, so then you put in another 50 cents and still nothing.. do you put in another 50 cents? NO.
Same thing, without identified intellectual issues, these kids tend to be pretty smart. They know. So, they heard you the first time, why sound like a broken record? If they "forget" they won't again after having to deal with a consequence. Penelope "forgets" alot - selectively. It's amazing some of the stuff she remembers, when it's convenient for her, but forgets she was suppose to do a particular chore or what not. Yeah right.
Penelope has had a on and off week this past week - and this is her last week before winter break. I'm just looking forward to getting past the holidays with her, successfully. She had a rough day at school, staying focused, staying awake, being present mentally, and not being injured. She has a big test on Wednesday - that I officially don't care about - but really am concerned about her being ready. I'll help her study if she asks, and I really hope she asks. Otherwise, she is on her own. If I make it important to me, then she struggles. It's amazing, when I "stopped caring" her grades went from Fs to As and Bs. She gets a lot of help from other people but I'm not one of them... unless she asks. I just hope she asks.
I'm still fretting over my meeting with Harriet. I've decided Harriet knowing she is nolonger "Mom" under every scenerio would be counter-productive. So, we are not going to go there. I need to call the therapist. I don't want Penelope to lie, but we are going to have to work something out for this letter she has to write.. and if our meeting fails, when she sees her. Ugh. Penelope could easily use this as a means to hurt Harriet for spite - not realizing how it could potentially backfire on her. This is going to be a dreaded eventful week.
2 comments:
I just found your blog last night and this is the first entry, so far, that I've read in full. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you wrote. It all rings so true to me, and it helps to hear it from someone other than our therapist. We began with a wonderful therapist a couple of months ago -- before that, we went to a therapist we thought was wonderful, but it turns out she knew NOTHING about attachment disorder.
This past weekend was a tough one. It was the first time we put our daughter in respite so my husband, my son, and I could go and have fun as a normal, functioning family. We had a great time. I laughed a lot. I cried a lot, too.
This is hard.
Anyway, thanks so much.
(If you come to my blog, you will see no discussion of RAD. I am not ready/able to discuss it with just anyone right now . . . I blog for pleasure and to find something in myself apart from my daughter's problems.)
Many thanks and (((hugs))) to you.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I agree 100% that it's comforting to hear other people go through the same thing - from someone besides the therapists. Not that we want other people to go through it, but maybe that we are not crazy because we are not the only ones. I've never met another mom with a child with RAD, but I find it helpful emotionally to connect to people through online groups and by blogging. And if I ever get the chance to pass on some tips or words of advice, even better - because I wouldn't wish this mental trial on my worst enemy.
I also relate regarding the therapists. I had Penelope with some great therapists who empathized and tried to help, but just didn't have the knowledge or resources have any impact. Not until we found a great attachment therapy team. Thank goodness!
I'm glad you had some time to refuel emotionally through respite care. I'm thankful for you that you have the resources and people in your life that can do that for you. I'm kinda at a point where I feel like a rechargeable battery that can't keep a charge anymore. But your comment is warming, regardless.
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