"Harriet..sweet Harriet..." is for those who have seen "So I Married An Ax Murder." I loved that Movie. Have it on VHS. It's a movie from 1993, before DVDs! (I think.) But it's kind of fitting as I think Harriet is probably going to try to come kill me in about a week from now. Ugh.
So we had attachment therapy last night, our regular scheduled appointment. There was no brain training because the one therapist was off. So, I spoke with the head therapist for about 30 minutes and we brought Penelope in afterward. Penelope doesn't know that her therapists and I are meeting with Harriet and her mother next week, a couple hours before her next week's appointment. As I stated in a previous post, Harriet has asked to see Penelope for the Christmas holiday and she wants her back in her life. Now, you also should know from the post that Harriet hasn't seen her in 16 months.. going on 17 months. It was recommended by the treating psychiatrist during Penelope's last hospital stay in the mental ward that Penelope not see Harriet until she seeks therapy in order to stop continuing the abuse on her daughter, at which point, they would see eachother in a family therapy setting - and then eventually, as the healing continues the visits would change as things progress. Makes sense right? Well, Harriet hasn't refused to go to therapy but just hasn't figured out how to get there.. in the last 17 months. She either got lost on the way, was too anxious to travel that day, or whatever...
Therapy actually went really well yesterday for Penelope. We discussed her visit with her father and how he apologized to Penelope for the mistakes he made and not putting her first in his decisions with Debbie. He could have left "with Debbie" off and made it a general statement because it was not only with Debbie, the second wife. But it's a start. For both of them. Penelope has to learn to allow it to be okay for his sake, but to say "You are right, you were wrong and I'm mad about that. But I love and we will get through it" instead of "It's okay Dad." It's not okay. But George needs to hold himself accountable for his other transgressions that he is still struggling seeing as a problem. But like I said, it's a start. But I really think, opening that door in their relationship, is why Penelope hasn't had a meltdown this past week. She is still struggling with the holidays in general, but I'm being more selective with my battles with her because I know she is struggling and I don't want to make it harder for her.
The therapist told Penelope that having Dad at the family Christmas celebrations is okay which she was happy about. Knowing that Penelope may soon be having a visit with Harriet, used the topic of seeing her dad to transition into talking about the scenerio of seeing Harriet. Penelope, without hesitation said "Not for a long while" in that she doesn't want to see her for a long while. She said "I'm not ready to see her. I don't want to see her." When asked why she felt that way, she said "She is not ready to see me. She hasn't gone to therapy. Right?" Nope she has not. But the therapist said "What if you saw her anyway?" She said "But she isn't ready." Which the therapist replied, "Would you tell her that? That she's not ready?" Penelope said she would tell her.
Penelope's attitude was very aloof. Kinda passive aggressive. She didn't like the topic of Harriet but knows it's important to talk about. If it were up to her, she'd never seen her again, or at least not for a long indeterminate amount of time. But we all know that's not what is best for her, at least if we still have hope for Harriet to get her act together. Which is the purpose of the meeting. The meeting is going to be painful for Harriet, and probably for everyone there. Harriet is in such denial of what she has done to this little girl and doesn't see how anything she has done or could do could cause any problems. If she continues down that thinking, and doesn't change her actions, she could really damage Penelope even further. Not in the same way she has in the past, but really close this little girl down emotionally.
Penelope doesn't view Harriet the same, so if anything happened, it would be like throwing fuel on the anger and fear that exists in Penelope's heart. I could see her shut down emotionally trying to protect her heart and when she couldn't handle it, really lash out at us. Okay, kinda like where she was the second hospital stay. Before that, it was sobbing and total depression from rejection and a lot of guilt and anxiety. Anxiety is still there but that's from the trauma, it's subconscious. She doesn't feel guilty for her mother's actions, but she is not dealing with guilt for her own actions - hitting me mostly. This is good, in that she know has remorse but it's just one more thing she has to deal with. I told her I forgive her but she has to forgive herself and she still holds on to that.
Anyway, the therapist brought up how she remembers when she first met Penelope, Penelope said that she needed to see her mom, that she can't live without seeing her mom. But look how she has gotten stronger and how she feels now. I think the difference is in that Penelope doesn't feel responsible for her parents' anymore. Before, she was so afraid to hurt her mother's feelings and her obsession with needing her mother's love, that she never consistently received. I think it made Penelope think about how she feels about Harriet has changed.
The therapist said it would be great if Penelope wrote Harriet a letter to let her know how she feels. How she doesn't think she is ready to see her. I said I thought it was a great idea. Penelope said that was fine but that I have her email address. lol. Penelope hates writing in general. She'll speak it if I write it. But, how would you feel about getting a difficult letter from someone in someone else's handwriting? So that will be interesting.
The therapist brought up the fact that Harriet probably doesn't know that she calls me "Mom" now. She called Harriet "your mom" and Penelope corrected her in that I'm her mom. She is Harriet. Penelope said "I can't call her Aunt Madeline anymore. It doesn't feel right. She is my mom and Harriet is Harriet." Penelope said "I'll write it in my letter so she knows." and started air scribing and saying "Aunt Madeline is Mom now, you are Harriet." I was thinking "Oh Sh*t" and started to nervously laugh picturing how well that is NOT going to go over. Penelope asked me what I was laughing about, and I said her air scribing. But the therapist knew.
In seriousness, I have had concerns about the whole "Mom" thing from the beginning. Outside of my own personal issues about my niece calling me Mom, but the fact Penelope isn't mine. Not legally. I am legal guardian and have parental rights to her, but one of her parents could take me to court and have it revoked. It would be challenged of course and be a hot mess.. but it could happen. The plan is to have her permanently but plans can be interrupted. But the therapists knew my status and the parents status and felt that it was still best for Penelope. And it really was. It really helped her to let go of the traditional definition of a Mother and look at the practicual definition "The person who takes care of me, loves me unconditionally, puts me first, keeps me safe, etc." versus "The person who gave birth to me." She really felt like a total outsider, "what did she do wrong to have a mom like this?" She didn't have to explain why she lives with her Aunt Made and why she doesn't live with her Mom to her friends at school. It was a blow to her self-image. She knows I'm not her birthmother but I'm the one who fills the more practical definition. Something her mother couldn't do or she would be with her.
Anyway, I'm really concerned about how Harriet is going to take this news. Her and her mother are so defensive that I can see them accuse me of doing it to drive a wedge between her and her daughter (which isn't exactly false) and that Penelope has been brainwashed and I have caused all her problems (wouldn't be the first time they have made that statement). I just don't see it going well. I'm going to have to figure out what to do about this before next week. I honestly am afraid of what she will do. I have alarms on the doors and windows but there to let me know if Penelope is trying to get out. They won't call the police if someone is trying to break in. Penelope use to have dreams about Harriet wanting to kill her. I think it's my turn.
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