Crazy Lying

Crazy Lying is what Penelope's Attachment Therapist calls it. The whole thing with inviting kids over for a "Save the Earth" Party, the lying about being allowed to have her friend stay the night at Grandma's - it's her testing her boundaries. Not in a malicious way but to see if they are there. "To know what is real and not real." In a child who has been in such hell and chaos, they don't know which way is up or down, what experiences are real or not real - especially if they have flashbacks. They will test their boundaries. I think of it as if someone who gets lightheaded knowing their ability to know what is level reaches out their hands to steady themselves against a wall that they know is level.
I was talking to the AT about how this whole thing about lying to Grandma was concerning to me, not in what the lie was about, but the fact that she knew she was going to be busted. That there was no way she could get away with this lie. When is she going to start WANTING to make the right decisions? She said it has nothing to do with that. Penelope does want to make the right decisions, but she is testing her boundaries to make sure they are still there and that testing reassures her that she is safe.
She said it's like a 2 year old who goes to reach for something he is not allowed to touch, stops to turn to towards his parents to make sure they are watching, so then when he touches it the parents can say "No No No." The 2 year old in Penelope is satisfied but the adolescent in her is pissed because she was told "No."
Another example is we had a bad storm roll through the other day around lunch time. The storm sirens went off twice because the storm was moving fast and had the markers for a possible tornado. Penelope freaked out at school and wanted to come home. She did end up calling me at home and I was watching the news on the TV in the basement at the time and told her so. I told her that the sirens are going off as a precaution because of how fast the storm is moving. But it's not even in the area yet and just follow the directions of the teachers and she will be safe. She was good with that. When she got home she was telling me how scared she was. She even wrote a Will. I didn't believe her and said "Really? Let me see." She whipped it out of her book bag and gave it to me. There is was, short and sweet. She loves her family and wants to be buried with all her things. Geesh. She went downstairs to watch TV for a little bit and came up and told me that there is another really bad storm coming, worse than before! On the news it's this big red spot coming right at us. I said "Huh, they didn't mention that earlier. I'll have to look it up." I was on my computer. Not one minute later she asks if she can go across the street to play. I said "Not if there is a big storm coming. Oh no. You need to stay here." She then says "Okay.. I admit it. I lied. There isn't a storm coming. Now can I go next door?" "No honey. You just lied to me. I can't possibly let you go next door after lying to me." She said "Okay okay. I actually didn't lie. I'm not really sure if there is a storm coming or not. It kinda looks like there is on the map on the news but then I don't know. So can I go?" I am baffled by where this conversation has led so quickly. I said "Now Penelope.. You are just saying what you think I need to hear in order to get what you want. First there is this storm coming, than you say that you lied but then when that didn't work, you didn't lie and now you are not sure. How would you take that information?" She said "I'm not a meteorologist, I don't know how to read those maps!" I said "Neither am I, so I guess you need to stay home just to be safe." That made her mad "But I didn't lie!" I didn't engage in this and just told her that I think she needs to calm herself down. She said "Shut up! Get away from me!" I said "Now don't say something you will feel bad about later." I've learned that this usually works to help keep her from escalating too much because she does feel shame after she calms down for being mean. Especially when it escalates into the extreme then there is a lot of shame and I'm just nicely reminding her of that. I continued on with what I was doing (working on sewing her constume) and she ended up going into her room, slamming the door of course, and playing her DS for about 10 minutes. She came out and said "I'm okay now." I said "Awesome."
She found a coping skill and regulated herself. I didn't need to intervene too much. Practice makes perfect right?
The other "lie" that has happened this week is that there is a boy that has been antagonistic towards her for most of the year. Some of the things she has told my Mom and I have him sound like a boy with a crush who can't handle it. Well, last week she came home and said that this boy kissed her and was so grossed out by it. Then earlier this week she said he did it again! She would tell him to stop pushing him away and kicking him. Then the next day she said he did it again but this time he shoved her against the wall and kissed her. I wasn't sure to believe this or not because she was saying that no one saw her, that she didn't tell her teachers because no one would believe her and that he would deny it happened and he's really smart and knows where their are no cameras (an issue she ran into with the stealing of the cell phone) etc. Every solution was met with a knock down. I told her that the next time he tried to kiss her, to just scream at the top of her lungs. That it was scare the tar out of him and draw attention to what was going on like an alarm going off. She didn't seem to keen on that idea and said she will just continue to do what she has been doing which is running and hiding from him. At recess she hides in the bushes and she will sit down in the hall against the wall between classes if he's there. She didn't want to go to school the next day. She said he reminds her of the boy that hurt her and what he did. She sounded pretty sincere when talking about this part. I do know she has had a bit of anxiety in the mornings with upset stomachs and somatic symptoms at school.
We talked about it at therapy and it seemed more real there because of how she was feeling, how her anxiety was going up and she sincerely seemed scared of him. We talked about the difference between now and then. That she has people who are here to help her. That she has told me what is going on, and that she is stronger now. She can get through this and be safe.
I had emailed her teacher to tell her all the facts and if she had any input or ideas on how we can help her with whatever it is that is going on. Her teacher called and said that she had a long talk with Penelope and that after a bit of a "this no that, here, no there" kind of conversation trying to pinpoint down where in the school these things happened but when the teacher said "Okay, we can see that on tape," she would change the location or what happened. Her teacher said that she gave her an out and said "Do you think that maybe it didn't actually happen but you are afraid it could happen?" Penelope saw that her teacher wasn't angry with her and took the opportunity and said "Maybe I think it happened but it really didn't..I think I'm afraid it could happen because it has happened before..." I told the teacher that based on what Penelope has told me so far about her abuse, the boy did antagonize her over weeks before he started abusing her. She thinks the boy is using Penelope as a means to elevate himself socially. At this age, some of the kids find a kid that they view beneath him to pick on to feel elevated socially. Nice.. She has given him numerous detentions for his antics with Penelope but she said he's gotten worse and it's been escalated to the Asst. Principal and his parents are being contacted.
I think one of the positives from this experience is that this will help Penelope's relationship with this teacher and grow her trust with her because she handled it so perfectly for her. Also, this could be Penelope's way of being ready to talk about her sexual abuse in trauma therapy. I hope so. I'm ready for her to start addressing it - when she is ready of course.