Harriet and George

I haven't blogged in a little bit. A lot going on but also, I've changed my blog over to private because of Harriet. I tried to do it a few days earlier but it didn't stick and I wanted to make sure no more posts could possibly be read by her. I think it's okay and if so, I plan to make my blog public again so others can follow it but for right now, I'm just playing it safe.

About 1 1/2 weeks ago, I received an email from Harriet with the following.
"I just found out what happened in with that boy touching Penelope. I heard that George didn't even know until months after Penelope had been in therapy. Why was I never told? I'm beginning to think that a lot has been kept from me. I think it would be a good idea to allow Penelope to start communicating with me. It has been 2 years.I was told in the beginning of all of this , that it would only be a few months. I am truly ashamed that I have let it go this long. Please respond to this e-mail as soon as possible."

I never told Harriet about Penelope's rape. Do I have some guilty feelings about that? Yes. Harriet IS Penelope's mother. Do I feel I made the right decision in not telling her? Yes. Not all decisions that have to be made, especially when it comes to this dynamic, are clear cut. Harriet and her mother have made in clear that they do not believe that Harriet did anything that damaged Penelope in any real lasting way. She will admit that leaving Penelope at 2 1/2 years old hurt Penelope but no more than any other kid with parents get divorced. She feels that the worst thing she did was leave Penelope with her horrible father, George. George was a bad father, but in the beginning, better than Harriet. Penelope at least went into daycare and was being fed and looked after during most of the day. But she was "damaged" before this and that trauma continued for quite some time.

So since Harriet and her mother's perspective is that Harriet did nothing to cause the problems that Penelope has and is living with, it's all George's fault. George and Debbie's (the short term step-mother) fault. Harriet's mother has come short of accusing George of sexually abusing Penelope. I don't think she is completely off her rocker to have this impression as I have had, and still wonder, the same thing. But see, if they were given any validation or confirmation that their feelings are warranted, my fear is that Harriet would try to get custody. They feel because Penelope's behavioral problems didn't really escalate until after Debbie's participation in Penelope's life, it's really all her fault, along with George since it was under his watch. It's a blame game for them. I know who did what, for the most part, and I'm protecting Penelope from her father and her mother. Neither one of them should have any right to make decisions on her behalf. Neither one of them understands, or wants to understand, the trauma they both have caused this child or how it affects her daily life and thinking. If they are not willing to understand it, how in God's name would they ever be able to make good decision for her. I just don't want to give Harriet any reasons to try to intervene with Penelope. I have always said to her that George has not been a good father either and Penelope has issues to resolve regarding him as well, but she has never asked for specifics nor have I have given them. Maybe not telling her these things is going to ultimately do that but I will just have to deal with it the best I can at this point. Because the information comes so slowly and we still really don't know the details, I wasn't going to put myself or Penelope through whatever reaction Harriet and her mother would have with every new breaking news release of information. Can you imagine melodramatic Harriet's reaction to being informed of every time Penelope discloses a little more of her trauma? In order for Penelope to feel safe enough to disclose her trauma, she NEEDS Harriet to stay out of it!

Do I have guilty feelings for not giving Harriet a chance at having the right reaction? Yes, but it wasn't worth the risk. I'm happy to continue to feel guilty about it.

Well, this email came two days after George's bail hearing lowering his bail to an amount that my parents said they could afford to pay to get him out of jail. However, the closing on the condo kept getting delayed for this or that reason and they can't pay the bail until after the closing. My dad wasn't allowed to talk to him the day of the hearing so George was ready to be bailed out when my dad couldn't. The next day he found out and from what I heard, went ape-shit about it. As he's told everyone, he spent 21 days in jail. I can just see the scratch tally on his cell wall. My dad had to borrow money from one of his best friends to get George out of jail, which happened the same day I got Harriet's email. Coincidence? I don't think so.

But he denies denies denies it. I told him "I won't be mad if you told her, I just need to know what was said! I have damage control to do now." He claims "I didn't even know that you waited a couple of months to tell me." I said "I didn't, it's wrong. I didn't tell you right away but the delay was only maybe a couple of weeks. And only because Penelope wouldn't tell me anything unless I promised her." He said "Why would I tell Harriet?" I said "I don't know, complaining? Complaining about me? I don't know." He said "No!" like that was ridiculous. Yeah okay. Our dad told me he told George to cut the crap as we know he did it and gave him a ration of shit for it but he still denied it to him as well.

I had to respond to Harriet with something so I said:
"I think we need to meet. I'm not sure where you are getting your information. But I'd be glad to tell you what we know and what I think has happened to Penelope in her past. Are there things I have withheld from you? Yes, but not what you’re implying. The last time I told you something that demonstrated how sick Penelope is, you told your Mom and at some point had Penelope being committed to a mental hospital soon. Then shortly later I found out from your Mom you were in drug/alcohol rehab. I haven't told you all that Penelope has done and how truly sick she is because I want you to focus on your own health for her sake. When you both are strong enough, I want you to have a relationship. I have talked to both her therapists (up in and her trauma therapist in ) about you and Penelope communicating via email or however and no one feels she is ready. She is making a lot of progress in trauma therapy even though we haven't really touched any specific traumas yet. It's hard to explain. Google EMDR for complex PTSD and Google Reactive Attachment Disorder if you haven't already. Or talk to one of your professors.
I didn't think it would be this long either but I don't think any of us knew what road we were heading down. I have given up my life, career and personal identity to give Penelope a chance at a normal life."

Nothing I wrote in there isn't true. Except I wasn't told by her Mom, but her MIL. I couldn't remember. She had responded that she was never in drug/alcohol rehab nor have had any reason to and that she talked to her Mom and she never said anything. I had to verify my memory with George. It was the MIL that told me. And we don't know if she actually went in or not, but Harriet's husband and MIL were pushing for it. Harriet doesn't know about my conversation with her MIL and I gather her MIL didn't say anything to her about it because it would have caused some real problems between Harriet and her MIL.

Anyway, I had to ask again about meeting and she said she wanted to meet but had to wait until the beginning of the month (Nov) and find out what her mother's schedule was for her to come up. I hadn't asked to meet with her mother and I really don't want to. She is the one that came out and accused me of writing the letter that Penelope wrote to Harriet telling her how she feels. She felt it didn't "sound" like Penelope. Harriet has her so snowed about her lack of parenting with Penelope that she comes into conversations like she really knows what is going on and already has her mind made up as to what a horrible person I am. I don't need that crap! So I've enlisted Penelope's trauma therapist in this meeting. It will be a 2nd opinion for Harriet and her mother since they have met with the attachment therapists. Penelope's attachment therapist said that was a great idea as it will also help the trauma therapist have a better understanding of what she is dealing with by meeting them - as it did her.

However, when I spoke to George the 2nd time, verifying my memory about the rehab center, he said he didn't think it was going to become an issue with Harriet. I asked if he had talked to Harriet since he's been out and he said "A couple of times." He claimed she never mentioned finding out about Penelope's abuse to him either time. He said that he gave her this guilt trip about how hard it is for him right now, that he just can't deal with anymore drama and stress right now... I said "Why would she care about how stressed you are right now? She doesn't care! That doesn't make any sense. This is the same person who threw you under the bus when you were in jail and told me you had called her collect and wanted her to send you pictures of girls to you in jail." He said she wrote him a letter telling him to call her and when he did, it wasn't collect as he used a calling card and that he told her how they each got a fan letter in the mail from some guy and how they joked they wished it was women sending their naked pictures. I believe that because it actually makes sense. He's a pervert, I know, but why would he tell Harriet to send girls pictures to him in jail?

Anyway, his story doesn't make any sense to me. He said that Harriet does throw him under the bus but she has this thing about him, like she always has to know she is good standing with him. She calls him all the time for stupid stuff that he claims he tells her, "Shouldn't you ask your husband about that?" or "Shouldn't you be telling this to your husband?" I can see this being true knowing how she is, but I'm still not buying that his non-specific guilt trip would make her rethink trying to meet about Penelope or continuing to have an issue with this revelation. But then, here it is, a week into November and I haven't heard from her. Nothing.

I still don't buy George's story but I need to know what went down. What are these two up to? What is Harriet up to? I don't care about George. He is controlled by my parents and his legs were cut out from under him with this whole jail and biker gang thing.

She is doing things to try to be the better parent, and I commend her for the effort but I do think she is going about it all wrong. When George went into jail, a few days later she wanted to know if she could talk to Penelope or write her. So that was something she wanted shortly before she "found out" about her abuse. However, he grounds to ask were that she is now in school and is trying to make herself a better role model for Penelope. Also, she recently "follows" me on my Twitter account (which I never use and only used to use it to follow other people like celebs and news shows). Her Twitter account is 100% Catholic. Her profile says "Catholic mother and wife." She has many followers and follows many people. They are all priests and nuns and other Catholic inspired Twitter accounts. She tweeted that she was afraid she'd fail her one psychology class if she revealed her true feelings about abortion and birth control and gays. Oh God, I pray to you that she is on birth control.

The ironic ? hypocritical ? thing about this Twitter "persona" she has created is that she herself has had an abortion. She herself has had a same-sex causal sex thing (while she was married to George). I don't believe that makes one gay but it's that the whole thing against gays from the religious perspective? Anyway, her favorite movie is the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She had joined a satanic cult even. I'm not saying someone doesn't have the right or shouldn't try to become a better person and put their past behind them - but they have to own their past too. She is acting like it never happened.

I told Penelope's attachment therapist about this and she said that Harriet is trying to rectify being one way by becoming the extreme opposite. But it's not real. It's a facade. It doesn't address her real problems, and actually it can make her sicker. Ugh.