Sabatoge

I think Penelope has sabotaged herself by making the declaration she made last Thursday. "I will never let myself be in Yuckworld again." This weekend has been some what of a roller coaster spilling out into the week. It is wearing me out! I'm just stressed out and trying to be strong myself. But her behavior and attitude is just getting on my last nerve. Friday after I picked her up from camp she seemed fine. Camp uses up all her energy and she is usually just tired when I get her. We went back to the house and my dad was cutting my grass for me. How sweet is that! I told him I was planning on doing it, but then my mom needed me to take her to a home inspection (her car was in the shop so we were sharing the other car). I brought a book but finished it with like 2 hours to spare! Ugh it was long! I was conned into that one. I was under the impression it wasn't going to be more than an hour. Anyway, I spent most of the day driving around with her and by the time we were done, I had an hour before I had to pick up Penelope from camp. Not worth even going home first. But it was good time to sit and do nothing (in my car in a parking lot) just gathering my thoughts. My mom stresses me out too.
When we got home, Penelope went outside to "help" Papaw. She was sweeping the sidewalk and driveway. She'll work for him... I made dinner for the three of us and then Papaw went home.
Saturday, she did do something nice. She organized and cleaned her bookshelf with her books, CDs and journals on it. She was very proud of herself. She took a good hour to do it though. It was really just a 10 minute job. But, she did it without being asked which she pointed out numerous times. But other than that, she played in her play room most of the day. I kept an eye on her but it gave me time to get some laundry done and I'm trying to go through her clothes to see what still fits etc. for the school year.
We had plans to go to church on Sunday. It doesn't start until 10:45. But Sunday morning there was no way we were going to make it. I woke Penelope up around 8am. She wanted to go but would rather see me upset that we are going to be running late. She hates to take showers. She was overdue. She didn't want to take one. I told her I'm not letting her go to church looking and smelling the way she does. She was still naked at 10:40. That was it for me. I told her it was too late to go to church now. We will just have to wait until next week. She didn't like that at all. She finally figured out that she doesn't want to be late for school (detention) but is okay being late everywhere else. She wants to go to church. Why would she be okay with being late? Just not making the connection I guess. Does she think they will wait? or doesn't really care? I think it's the later. Especially lately. She may want something but she is so wrapped up in her own anxiety to care even it actually happens or not.
We had to go shopping for school supplies and I told her that we were doing it after church. But now we weren't going to church. So we needed to go to the store. After I told her we weren't going to church, but now we still need to go to the store, she was all Ms. Eager Beaver. Now I was holding HER up from her perspective. At one point she started counting backwards "10, 9, 8, 7....." I stopped and looked at her like "Oh, really?" I went and sat down. She said "I was just kidding!" No.. I'm not stupid. We had a brief conversation about it, about her status of being in Yuckworld and her need to have a break before we go anywhere. I will let her know when we will be leaving.
The rest of the day went fine. She seemed to be trying. We went to the store, stopped by Uncle Bs and then to my parents for dinner.
Monday, she went to camp and when I picked her up she started crying, saying she felt horrible and she just wanted to go home "and snuggle!" It took a bit but I got to the issue. She hadn't finished her homework for tutor later that afternoon. She was trying to say she was sick so she wouldn't have to go to tutor. I talked her into going. I told her she would feel good about it afterwards - face the consequences instead of freat or lie about it. Just deal with it and get it over with. She knew her Laurie was going to make her "do something" as she put it. I told her that Laurie wasn't going to be happy but she will still care for her. But I also recommended she get as much done as she could before we went. She still had 1 1/2 hours. But it was also raining and thurdering. She had already gotten herself so worked up and then with the weather, she was really having a hard time focusing. She ended up getting all but a few pages read so Laurie didn't make her do anything but had a good talk with her.
Tuesday I ended up keeping her home because her behavior warranted it. We were 30 minutes late to camp on Monday, and we were running about 20 minutes late on Tuesday. We had been running late all last week. I told her that it wasn't fair to the camp counselors to have to walk all the way up to the facility from the woods to get her when signing her in late. We got all the way to the camp but when no one was at the sign in area, and after lot of procrastinating and complaining all morning, I told her that she was going to stay home with me and we were doing chores - cleaning out closets, under beds, etc. She didn't like that at ALL. She cried and got really angry and called me names and told me she didn't ever want to speak to me again etc. By the time we got home she had calmed down. And I got her to help but she was piddling around most of the time. I know I should have been on her harder than I was, but I just didn't have the strength to hold up the pace and keep it positive. She has worn me down!
Wednesday we were on time, thank goodness, and they went on a field trip to a park downtown along the river. We didn't know that was where they were going. (Late Monday so no weekly flyer, and missed Tuesday) We thought they were going to a museum that was in the summer brochure, so she didn't pack her bathing suit. Around 11:30 I get a call from her counselor that she had thrown up. Great. I asked him what else was going on with her. Nothing, she just said her stomach was upset. I know that she felt fine 2 1/2 hours ago. I said I thought it was her making herself sick, she didn't have her suit, and I found out later, her camp bff wasn't on the trip. She was looking for attention. When I picked her up she acted like she was sick but she seemed more depressed than ill. But she finally got her letter from her teacher so she knows who her teachers will be this year, and her maternal grandmother sent her a jewelry making kit. So she was fine once she got those. However, it was tutor day again and she hadn't kept up with her work. She used to be so good about that, but ever since seeing her dad, it's been an after thought and negative instead of positive. So, she crammed all her reading in right before tutoring. I can't help her with her time management because it will mean I care to much about it and she will use it against me. All I can do is "suggest" time to read. But it's up to her.
Today is Thursday, and she was on time, but told me right before we left that she was suppose to be at camp at 8:30 because they are leaving early to go on their bonus field trip. I knew about the bonus field trip but not the 8:30 deadline. Lucky for her, the bus was running 45 minutes late. UGH. I wasn't handling it well. I told her that I was tired of being late. Was she trying to be late like last year?? I got on her, when I shouldn't. I guess the issue was, I had an appointment for an hour later (George's therapy appointment) and if I were to go to it, I couldn't take her with me. I had called the camp to confirm what Penelope was telling me and they said the bus was late, so if we hurry it should be okay. But if she misses it, she can stay at the camp with the younger kids. That wasn't an option. I don't know why it made me so upset. I should have just accepted the fact that she was either going on the trip or I wasn't going to the appointment. But I also don't want her to think I can just drop things at her will because she will use that as much as she can.
It just hasn't been a good week. I have to remember that it's been a LOT WORSE. I am just worried about school. It starts in a week. She can't even handle getting her work done for tutor twice a week. She wants to feel better but she is also fighting it. I want it for her. I want it to be easier for her. It's so frustrating! I need to get my shit together so I can help her get there. The stress of the appointment with George and his therapist probably didn't help me handle things well this morning either. And then the stress of the last two weeks didn't help me deal with the appointment well either. That will be for my next post.