After watching the mail for the last few weeks, we finally received the dreaded notice of the court date. I didn't tell Penelope and won't until it's closer or of the day. Not sure yet how to handle that. I just know that telling her now will sabatoge work we've done to help her anxiety. Spring Break and my hours on her is enough to deal with. So I called the Public Defenders office today to see what the next step is. I'm suppose to go to where the hearing is going to be held and be "qualified" for a public defender. Financially I assume. Minimum wage and no OT after 18 months of unemployment should qualify me I would hope. At that point, they will schedule an appointment for Penelope and I to meet an attorney. We will see what is after that from that point. The notice had 4 cases attached to it. Basically the way I understand it, it's 3 counts of rape against my nephew and 1 count of rape against my niece. I don't understand the 3 counts and I still don't know what happened with my niece. Papaw is besides himself - upset with the system for charging her. The detective told me that they only want to help Penelope. They are only charging her because Children Services closed her case and they want it to remain open and her treatment monitored. This is there way of having a court force CPS to monitor her. What message does this send to Penelope? Supposedly the Detective and the Prosecutor agree she is sick and doesn't deserve to be punished but helped but this is how it's to be done. I don't understand. The hearing is in a couple of weeks and happens to fall on Papaw's birthday. Isn't that lovely... I was planning on making him a nice dinner - hopefully on his birthday but sometime around that. With our family split up with George not being able to see Penelope and Penelope not allowed to see her cousins, we are the odd man out now instead of George. So I suspect that my parents, George, and my twin brother and his family will celebrate his birthday and then Penelope and I will get to afterwards.
Ironically just yesterday I was talking to my twin brother, as he also started working for the same company I am, just at a different cemetery - so we talk more often comparing notes and things, and I was updating him on some therapy plans for Penelope. I do that. I let him know what I'm doing to get her help. But this is the first time I asked him if he really wants to know about it. He doesn't seem to comment when I tell him but doesn't sound disinterested either. But his answer was "I really don't care. You don't have to update me. I just listen to listen but I really don't want to know. I still have a hard time hearing her name." He said he is still very upset with her regardless of her being sick and her past. To him, she is a monster. He said "Honestly, I don't know how you, mom or dad can act like everything is okay." This made me feel really guilty. It's been a huge struggle. I was so mad at her, hated her even. Didn't know if I'd ever love her again. Didn't know if it was worth it to continue on with her. To not give up. To try to some how get my own life back after all that I've sacrificed.. for what? And then I started to try to move on and remember that she is this way not because she was born this way but because of her parents. The abuse and neglect. But then at the same time I can't make light of it or take away the extreme devistation she caused by liking her again. I felt so guilty like if I allowed her back into my heart I was a traitor to the love and devotion I have for my brother and his wife and my wonderful niece and nephew. Those words brought all that guilt back. I could tell it hurts him to know that our life has a trajectory towards back to normal and that really bothers him. It offends him. And I don't want to hurt him.
I told him it is still hard to be close to her, and that is very true. I still struggle every day with my relationship with her. I told him that I try to remember what has happened to her and I really blame George. I blame Harriet, but as my brother and Penelope's father, I blame George for not stopping or preventing it. For putting her in harms way. He said he doesn't blame George as George isn't the one who hurt his kids. I understand that too. I don't know what to think on that. But today, he invited me to go hang out with his family on Saturday after work. It's not really a good time with Penelope not seeing me much, but I honestly don't know when that will change and I need to see them. I haven't seen them in over a month when I used to see them one to three times a week. I need to know they don't blame me and that I can still have a relationship with them outside of Penelope. My worst fear is that, because my niece and nephew always ask where Penelope is when I do see them, that my brother and his wife decide that I can't see them anymore either because I remind them of Penelope.
Penelope has been hanging out with Papaw all week. He picks her up every morning around 8:30 and has her home around the time I get home from work. Tonight, she is staying there since it's therapy night up north and my late night at work. It will shorten Papaw's trip home from 2 1/2 hours to 45 minutes. Yes, I should be making phone calls instead of blogging but I swear I've spent the entire day making calls and want to poke my eyes out.
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