I left our appointment with our assigned counsel more concerned and upset than before we went in. Worried about this appointment, I sent an extensive email to her from the public defender's office's website. She didn't get it.
We didn't have much time to talk to her. She only wanted to meet with Penelope first. By herself. Why? Don't know. When she called Papaw and I in she had just finished drawing a map of the court room for Penelope showing her where everyone sits. She said that they didn't go over the charges because Penelope doesn't appear to be someone who could handle that. Penelope had provided enough information to clue her in that she has mental health issues and going to court and be on trial might be damaging. Ya think? I explained what the detective said about filing charges only if CPS doesn't provide help. But then even after requesting a referral and going through the steps to find the right help for Penelope the detective calls and says they are filing charges anyway. That he called CPS and that have closed the case and they want her treatment monitored. They want to make sure she gets the help that she needs. I told the attorney how Penelope has been having nightmares about all of this, she was discovered by a classmate cutting lines on her legs with the blade of her scissors, and she drew some alarming pictures that has the principal considering having a psychological evaluation done to determine if she is a safety concern to herself or her classmates. The picture had to do with Penelope killing her birth mom. "no family for me" in actuality she is scared we are going to abandon her "when" she goes to jail. We've been assured she isn't going to jail. According to the attorney there isn't a jail for her. She is too young. There is one for boys her she but it is rare to have a case like this for a girl. She has only had two others in the years she has been doing this. She knows the detective and said he is a real snake. She wanted to call the prosecutor and make sure that the detective even discussed it with her. She came back and said that he had and the reason they filed charges is because even with the treatment she was having, this happened. She hasn't been getting the right kind of treatment. If they only knew! If they knew where she has been, how far she has come. If they only knew! She has so many issues to deal with that you have to start somewhere. But then their arguement would be "more reason to deem her a threat to others." But what do you want for her then? To be insititutionalized? To take away her potential because she is sick? To remove her from normalcy? It's part of her healing to be at a regular school and live a normal life. She continually learning to cope with eveyday things to prepare her for adulthood. But because she is sick and still continues to need treatment and support we should take all this away? "no hope for you Penelope. Yeah you've come a long way in the past 1 1/2 years but it's not good enough. You are 12 now and you should be better.Your efforts were not good enough. YOU are not good enough."
I asked the attorney what they expected? We already exceed CPS' standards so they can't do anything. If anything, they will make it worse by trying to bring Harriet back in the picture too soon to "protect the mother's rights." If this prosecutor TRUELY wanted what was best for Penelope, then they should consider the psychological side to this. I asked if they could then drop the charges? She said they could but she wanted to focus on getting it so Penelope doesn't have to participate in the trial. Have her have a competincy hearing and have her evaluated. With Penelope back in the room she starts telling her how we are going to have her get evaluated to determine competincy and she'd have to go to the jailhouse to do so and go through the doors and be locked in.... But then she'd get to leave. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! She so didn't need to know all that. Didn't I just tell her that even though we've all told her she isn't going to jail, that she has nightmares about it anyways? But the meeting was left with a lot of unanswered questions and an overall feeling like we are screwed. That she isn't much of a fighter and she is just going to make an effort to make sure Penelope doesn't have to sit through it, which is definitely a good thing, but only to protect her from watching herself get convicted of 4 counts of rape as our attorney, who not once asked about the charges, rolls over on it.
It makes me mad at myself for being so weak that I couldn't keep working and put myself in such a financial situation I can't pay for proper representation. Mad at myself for leaving Penelope with my brother who judged me too hovering over Penelope and that I should allow her more freedoms, when my instincts told me not too. I'm not saying he did anything wrong, he just hasn't been around her enough to gain the same compulsion to hover. I allowed his critisisms to fog my instincts to hover and allow her to be in a situation where she wasn't monitored enough. Mad at myself for being open and honest with the judicial system and telling the detective everything and telling Penelope to tell the detective everything. I want to trust the system. I want Penelope to trust the system. Papaw, who is a retired police officer, was with us and felt being open and honest was the right thing too. I am kicking myself for being so niave. Papaw is pissed because what transpired isn't rape. And Penelope is being charged 4 counts of it.
I cried all the way back to work, missed my exit, almost hit a car on the highway, missed my turn around, went the wrong way when I got back to the exit. I was a mess. It took me forever to get back to work. I tried to call my dad, who Penelope was with but he didn't answer. I don't know what we can do but we have to be able to do more than this. This sucks! Take back the car and use the money for an attorney! This job sucks anyway so I'll find a job that is on the bus route or something. I don't know.
I called George, being her father and all, tried to see if he'd offer up something to help. Maybe sell his Harley? Nope. God forbid. He'd be homeless with his daughter dead from suicide but still have his Harley. Priorities.
The one thing that the attorney said that really bothers me is that this crime will follow her throughout her life. It's one of those crimes that can't be exponged. (sp?) So it could impact her ability to get a job, maybe her college if she decides to do that. Besides living with the guilt of what she did, she will be something that others can know and continually judge her for.
Lastly, I do want to stress that I do recognize how serious her actions are. They have devistated our family. I adore my niece and nephew. I get so mad when I think of what she did. The blessing that we have is that they are fine. My 5 yr old nephew didn't understand what Penelope wanted him to do, wasn't interested and told her he'd rather play Star Wars. I'm not 100% sure what happened with my 3 yr. old niece but if it is what Penelope told me, it would make sense that she doesn't think anything of it and asks where Penelope is whenever I see her. "Where's Penelope? Can you go get her and bring her here? I want to play hair salo." Same thing from my nephew. They both have been told it was inappropriate touching and Penelope isn't allowed over until she learns how to play nicely. They've accepted that. They just don't know that Penelope will probably never be invited or welcomed again. I'm just thankful that what happened wasn't worse. It could have been a lot worse. It should never have happened. What happened to Penelope should never have happened. It's going to be a long road between by twin brother and I because he allows George into his home and what he has done to Penelope is billion times worse than what Penelope did to her cousins. But he is allowed in their home when Penelope never will be again.
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