I think both Penelope and I are still reeling from the appointment with the Public Defender. I will spontaneously with no provocation be consumed with anxiety and burst into tears. It happens when I sit still too long. Too much time to think. Fortunately I can keep it together around Penelope. Everything is "fine" around Penelope. I hope she reads it that way, and honestly, during that time I feel that it is. We are together. I am hear for her. I become that rock for her that I can't seem to become for myself. It's instinctive now with Penelope. But then I crumble as soon as I'm away. Maybe it's a survival instinct in me because I know that she is having a hard enough time now dealing with it and would be a great deal worse if I also lost it.
So our appointment was on Tuesday. Tuesday night was moderately difficult for her but honestly no more than it had been, so I started the evening in her other twin bed before finishing it in my own room - like I have the prior several nights.
Wednesday morning she woke up angry at the world. Before she even stepped a foot out of bed she was pissed. I said "Why are you being angry with me? What did I do?" She said, "You woke me up." I said, "That's what I do every morning. What's so different about this morning?" She just grunted. She knew where I was going with this. She got herself ready and was fine by the time we left for school. Around 3pm, I get a call from Mrs. Brown who is with Penelope in the Principal's office. Penelope came to her and told her she was feeling like hurting someone. I said "Who does she want to hurt?" Mrs. Brown asked and responded "You." Ah, okay. Been here before. When Mrs. Brown told me, Penelope bursted into tears in the background and started sobbing. Mrs. Brown put me on speakerphone. I reassured Penelope that it was okay, that I am not mad or think less of her. I understand. She has a lot of really confusing conflicting emotions that are really intense and this is how it's coming out. But that also I know deep down inside she really doesn't want to hurt me because of how upset she is about it. That she is scared and upset with herself for thinking of it. But not to worry, we will take care of it together. It seemed to help. She is suppose to go to Girls on the Run but had already told Mrs. Brown that she didn't feel safe going to GOTR. Knowing that both my parents were at least an hour away and school gets out in like 10 minutes, I said I would come get her.
When I picked her up, she looked pretty sad and anxious. I automatically adopted the "everything is going to fine" attitude that I spoke about earlier. I joke with her, drove through the ATM to get some money so I could take her to the DQ walk up that is up the street. Let the fact that the receipt read "- .61" as my account balance roll off my back and headed to the DQ. Bought her a scoop of ice cream which helped her feel better. I don't want her to use food for coping, but I wanted to distract her with something that was from me so she knows I'm not mad and understanding. She was more calm and disarmed so I started in and asked her questions about her day and what led up to these bad feelings. Based on what she said, I think what happened is that with her already higher than usual anxiety and hypervigilience, when a boy from her class became violent/defiant in the hallway outside the classroom, the alarms went off in her head. She became VERY scared. She started thinking about her birth mother and seeing her at the park that her grandmother took her to Tuesday afternoon and how she looked around to make sure she wasn't there. She started to get angry about Harriet. She started to get angry that her Dad picked Harriet resulting in Penelope having such a bad life. Then she started to want to hurt somebody. She wanted to hurt me. That scared her too. She went to her teacher Mrs. Brown and told her. At which point they went to the Principal's office.
She seemed much calmer after getting all that out and feeling good after a scoop of ice cream. We went back to the house and Papaw came over, already informed, and asked if she should be punished for what happened. "This isn't acceptable. Should she be punished?" God love him. Mind you, if you read back, you see how protective my dad is of me when Penelope has hit me or threatened to kill me. I have an easier time seeing why she feels that way versus just looking at the actual disobediance part. I told him that we don't punish her - we never punish anyway. But we actually let her know how we see that she was strong enough to let us know how she feels and wants help. The consequences are the vitual lockdown or 24/7 supervision she is under. Not real different than it's been recently with her recent behavior.
He wanted to talk to her about it, be her Papaw, anyway. He just didn't know what approach to take. I'm still not real sure what approach he ended up taking with her but when they were finished and Penelope came out of her room, she came over to me and said "Mommy, I've made a decision. I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm going to stay home where I feel safe" with a nod of finality. I had her sit down so we could discuss this in more detail. My dad was unaware of it himself. I first informed her how that was a Mommy decision, not hers to make. She didn't like that one bit. I asked why she felt unsafe going to school and she was afraid she would want to hurt someone again. We had already discussed why her brain goes there but my fear is that she has seen how alarming this type of declaration is, that she is now wanting to use it to not go to school. School has been exceptionally difficut for her because of her emotional health has been with this court case. But I also want to recognize and take her concerns seriously. We talked about ways to cope and how we had already discussed taking each day seperately - but here we are talking about tomorrow. I had her say her pledge that we go to when needed since AT started "I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me." She said it but she didn't want to and there was no meaning behind it. I tried to have her repeat it a few times but she refused. At this point, Papaw had to leave and we were expecting Miss Lisa.
Around 7:00 Miss Lisa came for her regularly scheduled time to visit with Penelope. I had also forewarned her about what happened at school. However she didn't know about Penelope not wanting to go to school. She had told me she planned on playing a revised version of UNO. Depending on the color layed down, you had to tell something about your self or ask someone a question. Penelope wanted me to play as well. She was all happy and giggling. But as the game progressed she became almost aggressive - manic I think. If I put down a skip card or some card that impacted her negatively, she would smack or punch my leg or arm. Hard. Then at one point when she said she likes giving me tackle hugs she got up from her seat and tackle hugged me. She is a 145 lb kid. She almost took me from my seat to the floor. I told her it was too much and she just giggled. After a few moments she went and set back down but it was obvious she was irritated. When Miss Lisa would ask her open ended questions about what makes her angry or something like that, Penelope would give her answers that avoided any issues she is dealing with. So when I had a turn to ask a question, I asked "Why do you not want to go to school tomorrow?" It was an elephant in the room that needed to be uncovered.
She said the same thing she said earlier. Miss Lisa started to ask about it. Penelope said she just needed a day off to rest and relax. Lisa had a good question. "What will happen if at the end of Thursday you are not rested and relaxed? Then what? Will you take Friday off?" Penelope said "No. I'll be fine by Friday." Lisa - "But what if you are not? I just want you to think about challenging yourself to get through each day." We talked about how she got through Monday and almost Wednesday. Tuesday she didn't go to school because of her appointments. She CAN do it. She just has to try. Penelope got really upset by the fact we weren't "listening" to her. She just got upset that we didn't understand she needed to stay home Thursday. I told her that I didn't have a problem with her staying home Thursday. But not to forget the rule about not going to school. Her job is to learn. If she doesn't go to school and learn the things she needs to know to progress through school and go on to college - to become the things she described early during the game - fashion designer, veternarian, poet, or forensic scientist - she will have to learn some other skill so when she grows up she can get a job. Last time (5th grade winter) she stayed home, she learned about cleaning so she could get a job as a maid in a hotel or in people's homes. But with Thursday being a nice day, she could learn some landscaping skills. That didn't go over well. She said "I don't want to clean or do landscaping." I asked "What were you planning on doing then?" She didn't know. She uses that "I don't know" when she doesn't want to answer or knows you won't like the answer. She went back to "I've made my decision and I'm not going to school!" Then she got up and started heading to her room "I'm getting really upset so I'm going to go calm down in my room!" We didn't follow her and gave her the space and time to calm herself. Lisa and I started discussing the upcoming court hearing. Penelope however wasn't calming down in her room. I heard her scream a couple of times, through stuff at her door that made loud bangs. I didn't like it at all. Lisa was telling me some of her experiences with patients and the courts and I couldn't pay enough attention because I was worried about Penelope. So I interrupted and went into her room to check on her. She had the door baracaded with her ottoman and pillows from the beds. She was yelling from inside her closed closet. "I never want to see you ever again!" I told her that I understand that is how she feels but she needs to work harder at calming herself down. She just grunted and growled. Not a good place on her rage scale for her. I went back to the living room. A minute later, Penelope shoots out of her room grumbling something about dinner. Because I haven't fed her dinner yet she is going to have to make her own dinner. Lisa went in there and told her that it was her fault that I hadn't made dinner yet because she was late and still here etc. Penelope said "No. It's Mommy's fault!" Lisa disagreed with her again and said that she will leave so I can make her dinner. She made Penelope promise to call her in the morning to let her know if she was going to school because she'd like to come visit her at school. Penelope reluctantly agreed to call her (she didn't call her.) When Lisa left, Penelope looked at me with a mixture of fear and anger. I just looked at her with love and held out my arms to give her a hug. She kinda scooted away as she had her back to the wall. I went up to her and forced a hug on her. She melted in my arms. I said "Let's go figure out what we can have for dinner." When I was in the kitchen, I called my dad and told him I needed mom to come and stay the night. Penelope was still aggitated but not nearly as she was. She seemed to no longer be mad at me but she does this passive aggressive thing too. I'm the target of all her anger so it doesn't matter whether she is directly mad at me or not.
My mom came and stayed the night. They agreed that she would learn to wash base boards and windows on Thursday. Thursday morning Penelope was happy. Happy to get her way I think. But it wasn't a battle worth fighting. She would have found her way home as I think she has figured out how to alarm the school to be sent home. If she needed that day, fine - she can have it. However, I was concerned about my mom with her. These "home school" days are extremely rough and you have to have patience, tolerance, and perservere. You have to "teach" with a calm and aloof approach. Penelope will fight everything as she is fighting for control. You have to not fight with her but help her cope with letting go. Strong sitting. Calm voice. A smile instead of a disapproving frown. Not part of mom's DNA. Penelope was going to chew her up and spit her out. I came to the resolve that it probably wasn't going to happen today and my hope is that it won't be so rewarding that Penelope would "need" to stay home Friday too. I did take her Nintendo DS to work with me too and Penelope didn't put up too much of a fight. I said "What kid WOULD want to go to school if they could just stay home and play with their DS." She understood. I hate that thing and wish her dad never gave it to her.
I found out my mom took her to the grocery store to pick up some items for my house. But she bought her a bunch of sugar-filled crap! Donut holes, chips, sunkist, gatorade, other snacks. I was pissed. After that, there wasn't enough time to clean baseboards and windows. They went to her house so Penelope and my dad could leave straight from their house to head to therapy. He said that when Penelope walked in, he asked how she was doing. She said "Great! Grandma and I have been having fun!" He knew that wasn't a good thing. He made her read the rest of the time before therapy. She struggled with it but it happened. With all that said, she did end up going to school on Friday and having a good day. So we all made it through that week.
Next week is a whole other week. A week that includes court.
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