Flashbacks

School has been close to impossible for Penelope this week. Work has been close to impossible for me this week. Penelope made it through school on Monday and Lisa went and visited her at the very end as she promised Penelope she'd go during the last bell. Penelope pointed out to me when she got home how Lisa was late, but at the same time we talked about how satisfying it is that she made it through. The report that I got from school was that she was present but struggled to particapate and be on task. I felt that was understandable.
But as the week progressed, Penelope deteriorated.

Tuesday she made it through and did get pulled out for Trauma therapy in the morning. This was a long day at work for me so I didn't get home until late evening. My mom had her and Penelope had told me that morning she wanted her hair cut. I told her that she had to have eaten dinner, pills taken by 7:00, have her homework and reading done, and showered by the time I get home at 8pm because we will only have about an hour before bed. Penelope claimed she had no homework, she did some of her reading (which she only has to do 30 minutes a night of), and they ate at a local diner Penelope likes for dinner. No meds in her. My mom had taken her with her to show a house. (Which explains why that list of items couldn't be accomplished in 5 hours) She said that Penelope embarassed her in front of her client because she kept wanting to go off in the house they were looking at - go upstairs where the bedrooms were. Penelope has been somewhat of a thief lately so that's not a good thing. Then she wanted to go to the car and get something. It ended up being a tape measure. Penelope was measuring the house, the width of the bushes outside, the steps. Play-pretending she is a realtor and making notes on the details of the house. I can see her do that, especially right now. Well, then don't schedule something on Tuesdays after 3pm! I had made Penelope get in the shower before my mother explained what happened. When Penelope was done I scooted my mom out the door. Somewhere along the line Penelope had "found" a pink razor. It's not mine so... maybe that showing house? She announced that she saved her private parts. She went into great detail and wanted to show it to me. What the heck!? I just told her that she knows better than to shave and not to do it again unless consulting me first. Now it's going to grow back itchy. (And it has). I honestly don't even think she is that mature yet but she insists it was necessary. I don't even know what to think about it. That's all I'm going to say on the subject because I just don't know... Flipping back to the issue of her having in her possession a razor, it has since been discarded and the rest of her body has been checked for any cutting like lines. Ugh. So, her pills kicked in during the haircutting session and bedtime went smoothly.
Wednesday I ended up being sick all day, really started Tuesday at work and by Wednesday I was full blown cold with a fever. She didn't know that I stayed home but knew my sinuses were running. I got a call at the end of the school day right before Girls on the Run. She said with the worst overacting of a stuffy nose imaginable, "Mommy, I'm sick. I have a cold. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have a fever. Please have Papaw come get me." I asked her if she had gone to the nurse, she hesitated and said "No." I knew she was struggling and using this as an excuse. But I am not pushing it with her. She would have just tried it on the teachers running the GOTR program and she still wouldn't have participated. So I went and got her. After I picked her up she seemed fine, telling me about her day. She had also told me she found a dollar. She wanted to give it to me. She has picked up that I'm not making any money worth speaking off at work. Not her problem though. I needed to stress that. I'm not even going to acknowledge she did it for me, because it's wrong and there will be no rewarding the behavior. I asked her why she didn't turn it in. She said "It's just a dollar? I was planning on giving it to you." I said "It's not mine to keep." She should have turned it in. I posed the scenerio of it being her lost dollar and how she would feel? She didn't like that idea. I told her she needed to turn it in. She said "When would I do that?" I said "Tomorrow at school." She said "But I'm sick!" I said "You will be fine by tomorrow, I know it." She just pouted a little but accepted it. I let her veg once we got home. I know she needs it. I ordered pizza for dinner for us and we just R&Red it. But I did try to get her to do her regular reading but there was no having it. She went into tantrumy type mode with her facial expression, words, and body language. I told it was up to her, it's her responsibility. It doesn't work like it used to but I just don't think she can do it right now. Penelope started telling me how she has a lot she is dealing with and she starts to cry. She is sitting as far away from me as possible in the room. She says "I have a secret and I JUST CAN'T TELL!" I had her sit across from me so I could hold her hands and look me in the eye when I told her "Don't carry all this stress and worry on your own. Let me help youcarry it Penelope. I can handle it. Tell me what's going on." She told me she has been having, based on what she described, flashbacks. She described 3 of them to me. First, she remembers when she was born and Harriet holding her and then George, which made him cry. She said she told Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Brown gave her a look like she didn't believe her. I told her that I think it's possible. But another one is from the very first time her step-mother beat her when she was 9 years old. The last one was another time where her step-mother squeezed her wrist in the movie theater until she was afraid her wrist was going to break and when she moan in pain the step-mother covered up what happened by telling her dad that she must have hurt her wrist at school and acted like she was upset by her pain. Since she was hiding her abuse of Penelope from George. She had never told me about that incident before. I just gave her a long hug and she just sobbed. I told her she doesn't have to be scared anymore because she can't hurt her anymore.

Thursday she went to school with very little fight. I layed out for her (she is too out of sorts to pick her clothes in the morning and she'd never get to bed if I had her do it in the evening) a cute outfit to give her some confidence. She likes her boots with her jean skirt and to dress it down I layed out a t-shirt. She liked it and felt good about going to school. My dad picked her up from school and took her to therapy. I told him about how she has been doing at school and how she is at home. He took her to the park for a picnic afterwards and to a minature golf place. Somewhere along the way, he said they'd stop for ice cream. But the time ran long and she had to do her reading when she got home. She was so mad at her Papaw from not getting ice cream. She pouted the moment she walked in the door. I tried to remind her how Papaw did all these wonderful things with her and it doesn't make sense that she is mad at him. It was all about what he DIDN'T do. I said "How do you think that makes Papaw feel? Maybe like he wished he didn't do all those nice things if it is ending up with you all mad at him." She then started to cry saying "Don't regret doing those things?!" and ran off. Like the thought of him wishing he didn't do those things hurt her feelings. It's too much for her and her brain is so disconnected.

Mrs. Brown had been trying to contact me on Thursday and she wasn't available when I'd try to return her calls. Finally around 9:30 she reaches me. She is very concerned about Penelope. She has a really off day, not functioning. Any participation she did she was off context. In Language Arts, they are reading a book in class and the teacher asked her to read two paragraphs - but she couldn't. She ended up going to the Principal's office because Mrs. Brown and the other teacher Penelope goes to were in a meeting. She wanted to talk to the Principal about how sad she is. She had drawn a picture of herself and had written "SAD" over it. She didn't want to interrupt the meeting her teachers were in. Mrs. Brown was called out of the meeting and asked another teacher to sit with Penelope after determining she needed some time to collect herself. Penelope began to write down how she felt but only got out "I feel.." the teacher scribed the rest of it. It had phrases like "I don't belong here, not just here but on this planet." and "Is there any place that is safe? Am I safe at home, or with other people? Am I safe here (school)?" She is not doing well. Mrs. Brown said that at this point, Penelope isn't gaining anything from being at school. I told her I would call her doctor and therapists in the morning and give her a call.

Friday I was home sick anyway with an upper respitory infection. Would I be getting any sleep anyway? I am at this point so worried about Penelope. I had to call Lisa anyway as she needed some contact info on Papaw. I told her what Mrs. Brown said and our fear that Penelope is going to end up back in the hospital. How she isn't functioning and she is having these flashbacks. Lisa said she was planning on visiting Penelope at school anyway but this time she won't pull her out and talk to her, she will just observe her so she can see for herself. She said that what Penelope needs is for her teacher to help her calm down when she is done with a flashback to let her know it was not actually happening and that she is safe. That she'd hope that her teachers were observant enough and cared enough to do that. I think that they are. She also told me that Penelope told her that I didn't want anything for Mothers' Day, that she isn't allowed to do anything special for me - and she felt that wasn't a good idea. But I'll talk about that later actually.. because I've had a few days to think about it and I'm kinda pissed.. Anyway, I emailed Mrs. Brown what Lisa said as a way to help Penelope. I had also put in a call to her Psychiatrist to set an appointment to talk about Penelope. But honestly, all he'd end up doing is upping her meds. That's what he has done in the past. He sometimes has changed her meds but I just don't think that's the issue. If she ends up in the hospital, then it will happen then. Then I thought, "What if we can get this whole thing plea bargained out, then Penelope won't have to go to these classes." So I called my brother, knowing that the prosecutor won't even begin negotiating without input from the victim's family per the judges recommendation. He is with his family and in-laws on the way to Florida via SUV to go on a cruise. I asked him if he had heard from the prosecutor yet. He said he hadn't. Disappointed but determined, I said I was going to try to see if they could go ahead and call him while he was still in phone reach before he got on his week long cruise. I started blubbering about how Penelope is just not doing well and for both of us to survive we need to move forward with this. He said that it was too late to try to talk to the prosecutor for the fact he is in his car traveling. He isn't going to talk about it with his kids in the car. I didn't think of that. So we have to wait until next week anyway. UGH! He said he'd call me that night when they got to their hotel. I told him to not worry about it and enjoy his vacation. I'm not thinking clearly.
I wasn't sure calling her ATs would help me since they haven't really come up with any suggestions already other than just to tell her to work harder. The lead therapist has been out the last two week again which can be so aggravating. I know she is taking care of helping her 90 some year old mother settle into a nursing home which is a lot to deal with - but we need help here and it's really hard to find it when we need it. But I broke down and called anyway - ended up calling the cell of the other therapist. She called me back about two hours later. Oh my gosh was she helpful. She confirmed seeing the concerning behavior that Penelope's teachers and I have both seen before I even had to say anything. She was concerned too about Penelope's state and where it could head. She had talked to the lead therapist and they recommend that Penelope stay in school if she can but see if the school will put Penelope in a seperate room with art supplies and puzzles and non-academic activities that are minimal stress. We are just trying to help her through this - nothing permanent. I don't know if they will or not but it's worth asking. She said all of this is related to this classes Penelope has to take. It wouldn't be a big deal but without being able to have her Papaw or myself with her to go through the series of locked doors at the same building the jail is at, AND the added stress of being in a room full of strangers without anyone to support her - they just don't know how she will make it through. It could go really bad. They are willing to write a letter to that effect for whomever. I thought that maybe that could be useful in asking the judge to let us put these classes on hold until Penelope was mentally stable enough to participate. So I called both the public defender and the probation officer and left desperate voice mail messages. That was Friday. Today is Wednesday night. I still haven't heard from either one of them.