I don't know what to think

My last few posts have been about things related to Penelope but less about how she is doing. Penelope has been getting worse. It does help me keep the timeline by my posts to track when and how long these episodes are. According to a post, she started showing signs of yuckworld about 3 weeks ago. I attribute it to the social rejections she has been dealing with. I'm sure the overall pressure of school isn't helping either. But she has been dealing with the stresses of school better than she use to. But, I'm not sure it's the right way still. She has continued down this slippery slope over the last two weeks. The end of the last two weeks are worse than the beginning.
Her one teacher - I probably need to name her at this point. She has become an important part of Penelope's world. We will call her Mrs. Brown. She has pretty brown hair. Sorry, not very creative today. Mrs. Brown is her Intervention Specialist. She has developed this system that has really worked for Penelope so far this year in keeping her acting appropriate and following the rules in school. It's a Positive Behavior Plan Checklist. Penelope's teachers complete one each day and rate her on certain behavioral criteria - for example, particpating in class and working well as a team. Penelope gets rewarded when she does well. She also has her and the guidance couselor's support when Penelope is having problems. So far, I believe her problems are social related.
Penelope's grades have been stellar - up until recently also. I've been emailing "heads up" to Mrs. Brown when I'm concerned about Penelope's sadness, anxiety and defiant behaviors may rollover into the school day. But all the reports back are that she was fine. There was a Monday about 3 weeks ago when she called me worried about Penelope either being tired or sad. Usually for her, they are related. But overall, she is fine. Even this past Friday, the email I received was that Penelope had a great day and she is sweet and a lot of fun. When I picked her up, she was completely whiny and on death's doorstep. I'm not saying Mrs. Brown was lying - but it is just more than apparent how much work Penelope puts in to fake her happiness.
I had made arrangements for her to spend some time with her Papaw - in hopes he could have a fatherly talk with her and re-energize her. But she was too sick. They went bowling for a little bit than went to one of her favorite restaurants where she couldn't eat much of her food. Before the end of the night she got sick and felt better and finally went to sleep.
In the process of helping her get ready for bed I noticed she had written on herself. She had written on her girl part! It was a circle with two letters - "J W" correctly facing. I don't know why but I thought it significant that they were correctly facing. It was intentional or purposeful because in order to do that, she would have had to write upside down from her perspective. It just reminded me of how she played to the video camera with the disturbing video she made after her first visit with her dad. Which, I had hidden that video camera in my room - but since my room was moved out to paint, has since gone missing. However, the video card was removed so she can't make videos. Anyway, I asked about the drawing and she immediately cringed and didn't want to talk about it. She tried to say she couldn't remember what the letters were for. I said "If it was a big enough deal to write on your body, it's big enough to remember. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me, say 'I don't want to tell you.'" She said "I don't want to tell you." Fine. For tonight since she is sick.
But this morning I asked again - in a very non-threatening manner. She tried to say it was M J (I didn't get a great view of it yesterday so I wasn't sure if it was right side up etc.) She said it stood for Matthew J... she couldn't remember the last name. After a few of her guesses, I told her I didn't buy it and to just tell me. She told me that it stood for a name that I won't put on here, in came it actually is someone. That she had a dream that she was his slave. Then she claimed she doesn't remember writing it. I knew that part was a bunch of crap since she cringed as soon as I mentioned it the day before - knowing exactly what I was talking about. What a crazy explanation! I don't know what to think about it.
The the rest of the morning she just acted wierd. It's not the usual RAD struggles she has - wanting to be the boss, being defiant or angry. She was acting like she doesn't live in reality. She had been doing that more and more - usually just comments or stuff like arguing with her bunny for falling off the end of her bed and she has been doing a lot of play pretend in her room where you can hear her role playing. But today, she didn't want to go to her tutor's - which hasn't happened in almost 3 months. But with that, she couldn't get dressed to go until she rolled her die and it landed on the number 4. She had a thing about touching her pills to her face before she takes them - she says she likes how they feel. This has been going on for a few weeks. But then, when we were walking out the door, we saw a squirrel in the back yard and she made a big production about this squirrel and how it's her friend Squirrelden and have I met him? And all this stuff and she seemed dead serious. I made her get in the car. She was upset that I wasn't interested in Squirrelden.
It's all too much. I mean, I know she is mentally disturbed. I know she is sick. But when she has such great periods of lucidness. She hasn't been like this in some time. Where is it coming from? I can' deal with her struggles with being the boss. I understand where that comes from. Is this behavior she doing part of something else? Maybe it makes more sense that she is dealing with some stressor that I don't know about or maybe or tolerance is really waning and causing some of her trauma to surface again. I mean, writing on her girl part has to mean something.. is she been thinking alot about the sexual abuse? Or because she is sexualized from the abuse, maybe this male that she named is a crush and she is having sexual thoughts about him? It's causing an emotional regression causing the play pretend and fantasy world stuff? I don't know...
And then, all this also makes me think about the issues at school, with our relationship with the school and how they perceive her as doing well, when she really isn't. So because she seems happy and focused and all that - and she is not sincerely doing well and doesn't do well on a test - it's considered an accurate assessment of her skills or information she learned in class. But then I wonder if that is terribly important? But then I know that the school, using it has their means to determine her skills and lags, use it to determine how to teach her. Then I also know that how she is doing in her classes impacts her self-confidence and can undermind her efforts to improve her emotional health.
One thing I've learned Penelope's healing has to be on her time table. But then if she doesn't have a successful 2nd half of the quarter, her principal is going to really push to put her back into RTI. I want her to do really well 2nd half - if not to show him she doesn't need RTI, but also because she wants it, and her doing well with demonstrate a stronger mental state. But she is not there so I really can't hold my breath on that.
I just don't know what to do and that drives me crazy. I need a plan. I need a direction. I don't know how to help her - once again. This is where I was a year ago, before she started attachment therapy. I feel desperate, anxious, depressed, obsessed - crazy myself. I want to throw up. She has shown us and herself that she can be where she needs to be. How do we get there again.. and keep her there? I understand that it's an ups and downs type of illness and the goal is to make the ups last longer and the downs to be shorter and less severe. But these downs are killing me. Even though they are less severe, I feel like I get weaker each time and then I worry and feel guilty that I'm contributing to her weakness because I can't be strong for her.