Birthday

This past weekend was a big birthday weekend for us. My twin brother and I turned 34. My mother turned 67 the next day - on Monday. None of us really care it's our birthdays, but of course, we want to celebrate eachother. Penelope is big into birthdays. She absolutely loves her birthday and if it was up to her, we would celebrate it for 6 weeks before and after. This year, with my mother's assistance, she painted me an abstract painting to put in my freshly painted room. The freshly painted room was a gift from my mother. With how proud Penelope is of her painting for me, she wanted to create a picture for her Uncle. We did it together so it could be from both of us, and it ended up being more of a collage of sorts. We used the letters of his name and came up with words that were descriptive of him - like "amazing" and "prankster" and "dad." It took us about a week to make it, considering our regular routine. We decided to give "services" as a present to Grandma. We are going to wash her car, and some other things. Penelope made birthday cards out of construction paper and wrote special notes.

My brother was having everyone over for dinner to do this little celebration and gift exchange. I told him I would bring the cake. Penelope helped me decorate it. We were suppose to be at my brother's around 4:00 but we were running late. But somewhere between 3:30 and 4:30, my phone had died and I didn't know it. Around the same time, my twin brother had decided that he was going to invite George over as well. As he put it, he is "tired of not having all the family together." He didn't want to leave him out. But he wanted to talk to me before he said anything to George. But my phone was dead. In that hour it was dead, he went ahead and made arrangements to pick up George at 6:30 - since he didn't have gas money. I found out about it when I returned his call. He told me what plans he had made, and said we'd talk about it when I got there. But ultimately, it meant that we had to leave about 1 1/2 - 2 hours after we got there. When I got there, after Penelope went with her one cousin to the play room, he told me "I have to leave to pick him up at 6:30, what do you want to do?" The question didn't make sense to me. I said "What do you mean what do I want to do? We will have to leave before you get back." He said "I tried to call you but your phone was dead." I said, "And what would it have mattered? If you invited him, you invited him. I can't stop you." He said "Ever since this 'whole thing' I don't get to see him as much as I used to." I said "Why not? It's not like you are always with the child who he can't see. We are not holding you back from making plans with him." His eyes got wide and he didn't know what to say. After a pause he said "He said he can't come around my kids." I said "That's right. He can't be around kids. He told you why, didn't he?" "No." "Because it makes him feel guilty. Not guilty like 'I should have been a better dad' but guilty like 'I'm cheating on her' and and any time he spends with kids should be with his daughter. Like he abandoned her by letting her live with me."
I was pissed. We had dinner and cake and then, because it was time for him to leave and get George, we rushed through presents. Penelope only got to play with her cousin for about 30 minutes tops. Her Aunt and other cousin just arrived home when we were wrapping up. I needed to leave at this point. I was so pissed. I don't ask them to dismiss George for what he has done. I try not to dismiss him myself. But they feel sorry for him because he gets excluded from family functions. Tough shit! If he didn't turn the other cheek when Penelope was being neglected and abused. If he, himself put her first in his life, she wouldn't have turned out to be such a mess. Have you ever seen an 11 year old child beg for death?! "To put her out of her misery." I have. This man, not alone, but responsible for her - has caused her this level of pain. A pain she deals with when she sees him, and we are to feel SORRY for him because he can't be included when she is around?
Penelope was devistated when we left because it was such a short time. I tried to make it a non-issue with her. "Well, we have stuff to do anyway." But we were the only ones leaving. Everyone else was waiting for George. "Why do we have to leave now though??" I'm not going to lie to her about it. I'm not going to cover up for George, just like I'm not going to cover up for Harriet. "Well, George is coming over. He wants to celebrate their birthdays too." She wasn't mad she wasn't going to see him. She was mad that we had to leave early because of George.
Of course, no one in my family thought it was a good idea that I told her the reason we had to leave early was because George wanted to come over and no one wanted to leave him out. But they also knew that really didn't have an arguement against my stance of "I'm not going to cover for Harriet. I'm not covering for him either." But they look at it as undue hardship. She was pissed anyway. She wanted to know why. The next day, I talked to my brother and he said "If she was already upset, then why didn't you just let him visit with her so she'd be upset anyway." Wow, what a stupid comment. I was blown away with the ignorance of that statement. Like her "regressions" after seeing him is a bad evening and that's it. It's not like I haven't told him how she has been after his visits. It felt like all those conversations with him had gone in one ear and out the other. It also felt like him and George had a "pity me" conversation because half the words that came out of his mouth were words I'd heard from George about visits. He wanted a "timeline." He wanted to know if Penelope and George can see eachother on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said "I don't know! I don't know when she will be ready!" He said "Can you ask her therapists?" When I said that they aren't going to know either.. he pushed me to promise him I'd ask. But one thing I learned is that this whole crap that happened on Sunday with invited George and trying to find out what I planned to do - had to do with his "birthday wish" of wanting me to say. "Okay, because it's our birthdays and... well, wouldn't it be nice to have all our family here together like the perfect little family that we are, we will stick around and George and Penelope can see eachother." That is what he was asking me when he said "What are you want to do?" Again, wow. Doesn't listen. To me, that was never an option to consider. I tried to put it in a different persepective. "Let's say Penelope is diabetic and it's this Thanskgiving or Christmas - but we decided - it's okay for her to have a piece of pie and as much crap as she wants. It's a Thanksgiving and Christmas! Let's risk her health so it seems like nothing is wrong and she isn't sick." He said "You can't use that analogy. It's like you are saying she can't get any better." I said "No. I do think she can get better and she is. But what I'm saying is just because it's a holiday, doesn't make things different than what they are!" He said "It's been 2 years (really isn't only been less than 1 year) since we all can celebrate holidays together. I'm tired of waiting." That was heart breaking. My twin brother - best friend since before birth - is tired of supporting what is so important to me. Isn't one who believes Penelope's needs are more important than his adult needs. A child who had to wait 8 years for her needs to become #1 in an adults life. That's what that says to me. I told him that if it would make him feel better, from now on, Penelope and I could be the ones left out during the holidays. He said "Yeah! Like that would go over well with Penelope." No, but it's better than dealing with this crap.