Penelope improved throughout the weekend I think. I think she needed that extra day off that she got today. Thank you Jewish Holiday.
Yesterday she had a fun day in that she went shoe shopping with Laurie, her tutor. Just the two of them. And then I met them at the movie theater to see the movie Fame. Definitly up Laurie's alley. I think it had some important messages that Penelope could learn from. Just because you don't like what someone says, doesn't mean they are trying to be mean - a teacher telling a dancer before graduation that he isn't good enough. Also, if you want something, you have to work for it - a girl actress who didn't have any natural talent but wanted to be good and was able to get there. A boy actor who had a very rough childhood who needed to not allow it to limit him and his dreams - let down the walls. Thanks Laurie for the invite! Then we went to my parents for dinner and Penelope got her one on one time with Papaw. Very good for her.
Today, Penelope finally did some reading. She pretty much stopped a few days ago. She decided she didn't want to read the book she was reading and didn't know what she wanted to read - and pretty much didn't want to read. You have to understand, when she first started reading this book, she loved LOVED it and told everyone she ran into about how great and funny this book is. She'd rather sit in the library reading her book than go to recess etc. I briefed Papaw on the situation and he had a word with her and got her to continue to read her book. When I told her that her time was up (a minimum of 30 minutes) she continued to read until the chapter was over. It's a page turner for her so I really wasn't understanding why all of the sudden she wasn't interested in reading it anymore. Hopefully we have her back on track.
Today she was well-behaved and fun and we did silly things. We had to go to the pet store to get food and litter for the cats. I prepared her by announcing we were ONLY buying food and litter. She gets a bit crazy in stores, and I wasn't sure how it was going to go. But I knew being close to Halloween, they were going to have stuff so I was trying to save us both some agony. But we had fun looking at the funny cat hats/costumes. But she was good! Excepting no as an answer.
I decided we would go to the Half Price Bookstore to see if we could find a book for me to read to her at night. I started reading to her at bedtime around April and we've gone through a few books but then she stopped being interested in my reading to her a few of weeks ago - wanting to go right to sleep. Okay... But then, I noticed her evenings haven't been as easy as they usually are. I think it calms her and mentally prepares her better for a good night sleep. It's also a great opportunity for bonding. I don't feel as close to her when I don't read to her at night. Tonight I read to her. She loved it. I think the break had her appreciate the reading more, because before, she was constantly wanting to do something else while I was reading. I always felt that was rude, she should be paying attention. Anyway, I had her full attention tonight.
After the bookstore we met up with Grandma who wanted us to ride with her over to the other side of town to put a realtor sign in a new client's front yard. We had Papaw's pickup so it's the three girls in the front. We had fun. I drove - which is a good thing. Grandma at 67 driving while constantly using her blackberry to talk or email is a very dangerous thing. Penelope had the 80s station on and dancing in the center seat. Grandma is being a grandma asking stupid questions. She said "Doesn't Mommy look like me?" I said "Say no." Grandma laughed and said "I heard that!" I laughed, then Penelope said "Actually, ... no, she doesn't." Which made my mom and I laughed out loud. Penelope is such a pleaser sometimes. My mom said "What about her eyes?" Penelope started looking at my eyes so I crossed them and turned my head towards her. "Do I have Grandma's eyes??" She started laughing. She went on about how I have Papaw's eyes and I said "Yeah! And his hairy eyebrows too! Yuck!" and then we started talking about all his out of place hair and sometimes you just want to pull it. Molly and I recommended she pull it while he's sleeping. Then my mom went on to say that I have her nose before skin cancer surgery. Penelope started looking at my nose so I started wiggling it. And Grandma said "She doesn't have Papaw's ears." Penelope looked at my ears and I said "I can't wiggle my ears. Sorry." She laughed and we all tried wiggling our ears. We went on like that and had fun. It was a good time. She was loving it.
But about an hour after we got home, Penelope and I had a disagreement and she was pretty angry with me. It was over her having to read. She didn't want to do it. I told her she could do whatever she wanted, I wasn't going to make her read. Usually this gets the desired results but sometimes it also ticks her off too. I was doing dishes and when I was done, I went to check on her. I found her with her chalkboard in her hands and she didn't want to show me what was on it. That always concerns me so I insisted. Basically, she wrote at the top that her "Goal" of to make me understand why I made her mad. She had 3 options to choose from as to how to read this goal of hers. The first one is to have a conversation of us switching roles "If you were in my shoes and I said this, how would you feel?" so she can show me how what I said makes her feel. The second option was to try to get me in trouble so that I would be upset and know how she feels. The third was to yell and scream at me to let me know how she feels. I told her I could tell she was trying to process her anger and tried to have a open constructive conversation with her. She was yelling and near tears and I listened and repeated things back to her to make sure I understood what she was saying. She calmed down and then finally agreed that I was right. Her issue was that I said she could play for another 10 minutes but then she really needed to get on her reading. She felt 10 minutes wasn't good enough. She decided to go with option 1 and tried to find out how I would feel if she was me and told me I only have 5 minutes to play but have to read for like 1 or 2 hours. Obviously I wouldn't ask her to read that long and her emotions were getting the best of her. But I knew if I didn't answer her question I would fuel her anger. I said "I'd be upset since, if I were you, I'd never read that long before and didn't have to read that long." She said "See?!" I said, "I see you asking me how I felt about a scenerio I never asked you to do and wouldn't." She saw the flaw in her thinking. But then she went on to say that she wasn't going to play ever again since I don't want her to play. Obviously her beef was that 10 minutes is too short. I told her I didn't understand what she wanted. "Just a minute ago you were complaining that I never remind you to read, but then when I say something today, you get upset with me and accuse me of not wanting you to play. What do you want me to do, remind you or not remind you?" She said "I don't know...." She calmed down after that. It was kinda sweet/endearing to see her go through these thought processes demonstrating her young mind wrapped up in her frustration not making a ton of sense. I knew what was going on with her and knew she just needed to calm down. She needed to be reminded that I wasn't trying to be mean. I found the 3 options concerning but also a start to analytical thought. I blame Mrs. Brown! :) Later that evening before bedtime, I said "Oh, by the way, option 2 is not an option." She said, "You weren't suppose to read it." I said "I understand, but option 2 is out." So is option 3 but I'd rather her yell than be malicious covertly. That thought scares me. She is super creative. That is usually a good thing.
But, I still think it was a good weekend. Hopefully it continues to get better. We see her therapists this week and it just seems like forever. It's not like they can work miracles but hopefully they can help me understand where we are in all this. I hate feeling ineffective in this whole thing.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I don't know what to think
My last few posts have been about things related to Penelope but less about how she is doing. Penelope has been getting worse. It does help me keep the timeline by my posts to track when and how long these episodes are. According to a post, she started showing signs of yuckworld about 3 weeks ago. I attribute it to the social rejections she has been dealing with. I'm sure the overall pressure of school isn't helping either. But she has been dealing with the stresses of school better than she use to. But, I'm not sure it's the right way still. She has continued down this slippery slope over the last two weeks. The end of the last two weeks are worse than the beginning.
Her one teacher - I probably need to name her at this point. She has become an important part of Penelope's world. We will call her Mrs. Brown. She has pretty brown hair. Sorry, not very creative today. Mrs. Brown is her Intervention Specialist. She has developed this system that has really worked for Penelope so far this year in keeping her acting appropriate and following the rules in school. It's a Positive Behavior Plan Checklist. Penelope's teachers complete one each day and rate her on certain behavioral criteria - for example, particpating in class and working well as a team. Penelope gets rewarded when she does well. She also has her and the guidance couselor's support when Penelope is having problems. So far, I believe her problems are social related.
Penelope's grades have been stellar - up until recently also. I've been emailing "heads up" to Mrs. Brown when I'm concerned about Penelope's sadness, anxiety and defiant behaviors may rollover into the school day. But all the reports back are that she was fine. There was a Monday about 3 weeks ago when she called me worried about Penelope either being tired or sad. Usually for her, they are related. But overall, she is fine. Even this past Friday, the email I received was that Penelope had a great day and she is sweet and a lot of fun. When I picked her up, she was completely whiny and on death's doorstep. I'm not saying Mrs. Brown was lying - but it is just more than apparent how much work Penelope puts in to fake her happiness.
I had made arrangements for her to spend some time with her Papaw - in hopes he could have a fatherly talk with her and re-energize her. But she was too sick. They went bowling for a little bit than went to one of her favorite restaurants where she couldn't eat much of her food. Before the end of the night she got sick and felt better and finally went to sleep.
In the process of helping her get ready for bed I noticed she had written on herself. She had written on her girl part! It was a circle with two letters - "J W" correctly facing. I don't know why but I thought it significant that they were correctly facing. It was intentional or purposeful because in order to do that, she would have had to write upside down from her perspective. It just reminded me of how she played to the video camera with the disturbing video she made after her first visit with her dad. Which, I had hidden that video camera in my room - but since my room was moved out to paint, has since gone missing. However, the video card was removed so she can't make videos. Anyway, I asked about the drawing and she immediately cringed and didn't want to talk about it. She tried to say she couldn't remember what the letters were for. I said "If it was a big enough deal to write on your body, it's big enough to remember. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me, say 'I don't want to tell you.'" She said "I don't want to tell you." Fine. For tonight since she is sick.
But this morning I asked again - in a very non-threatening manner. She tried to say it was M J (I didn't get a great view of it yesterday so I wasn't sure if it was right side up etc.) She said it stood for Matthew J... she couldn't remember the last name. After a few of her guesses, I told her I didn't buy it and to just tell me. She told me that it stood for a name that I won't put on here, in came it actually is someone. That she had a dream that she was his slave. Then she claimed she doesn't remember writing it. I knew that part was a bunch of crap since she cringed as soon as I mentioned it the day before - knowing exactly what I was talking about. What a crazy explanation! I don't know what to think about it.
The the rest of the morning she just acted wierd. It's not the usual RAD struggles she has - wanting to be the boss, being defiant or angry. She was acting like she doesn't live in reality. She had been doing that more and more - usually just comments or stuff like arguing with her bunny for falling off the end of her bed and she has been doing a lot of play pretend in her room where you can hear her role playing. But today, she didn't want to go to her tutor's - which hasn't happened in almost 3 months. But with that, she couldn't get dressed to go until she rolled her die and it landed on the number 4. She had a thing about touching her pills to her face before she takes them - she says she likes how they feel. This has been going on for a few weeks. But then, when we were walking out the door, we saw a squirrel in the back yard and she made a big production about this squirrel and how it's her friend Squirrelden and have I met him? And all this stuff and she seemed dead serious. I made her get in the car. She was upset that I wasn't interested in Squirrelden.
It's all too much. I mean, I know she is mentally disturbed. I know she is sick. But when she has such great periods of lucidness. She hasn't been like this in some time. Where is it coming from? I can' deal with her struggles with being the boss. I understand where that comes from. Is this behavior she doing part of something else? Maybe it makes more sense that she is dealing with some stressor that I don't know about or maybe or tolerance is really waning and causing some of her trauma to surface again. I mean, writing on her girl part has to mean something.. is she been thinking alot about the sexual abuse? Or because she is sexualized from the abuse, maybe this male that she named is a crush and she is having sexual thoughts about him? It's causing an emotional regression causing the play pretend and fantasy world stuff? I don't know...
And then, all this also makes me think about the issues at school, with our relationship with the school and how they perceive her as doing well, when she really isn't. So because she seems happy and focused and all that - and she is not sincerely doing well and doesn't do well on a test - it's considered an accurate assessment of her skills or information she learned in class. But then I wonder if that is terribly important? But then I know that the school, using it has their means to determine her skills and lags, use it to determine how to teach her. Then I also know that how she is doing in her classes impacts her self-confidence and can undermind her efforts to improve her emotional health.
One thing I've learned Penelope's healing has to be on her time table. But then if she doesn't have a successful 2nd half of the quarter, her principal is going to really push to put her back into RTI. I want her to do really well 2nd half - if not to show him she doesn't need RTI, but also because she wants it, and her doing well with demonstrate a stronger mental state. But she is not there so I really can't hold my breath on that.
I just don't know what to do and that drives me crazy. I need a plan. I need a direction. I don't know how to help her - once again. This is where I was a year ago, before she started attachment therapy. I feel desperate, anxious, depressed, obsessed - crazy myself. I want to throw up. She has shown us and herself that she can be where she needs to be. How do we get there again.. and keep her there? I understand that it's an ups and downs type of illness and the goal is to make the ups last longer and the downs to be shorter and less severe. But these downs are killing me. Even though they are less severe, I feel like I get weaker each time and then I worry and feel guilty that I'm contributing to her weakness because I can't be strong for her.
Her one teacher - I probably need to name her at this point. She has become an important part of Penelope's world. We will call her Mrs. Brown. She has pretty brown hair. Sorry, not very creative today. Mrs. Brown is her Intervention Specialist. She has developed this system that has really worked for Penelope so far this year in keeping her acting appropriate and following the rules in school. It's a Positive Behavior Plan Checklist. Penelope's teachers complete one each day and rate her on certain behavioral criteria - for example, particpating in class and working well as a team. Penelope gets rewarded when she does well. She also has her and the guidance couselor's support when Penelope is having problems. So far, I believe her problems are social related.
Penelope's grades have been stellar - up until recently also. I've been emailing "heads up" to Mrs. Brown when I'm concerned about Penelope's sadness, anxiety and defiant behaviors may rollover into the school day. But all the reports back are that she was fine. There was a Monday about 3 weeks ago when she called me worried about Penelope either being tired or sad. Usually for her, they are related. But overall, she is fine. Even this past Friday, the email I received was that Penelope had a great day and she is sweet and a lot of fun. When I picked her up, she was completely whiny and on death's doorstep. I'm not saying Mrs. Brown was lying - but it is just more than apparent how much work Penelope puts in to fake her happiness.
I had made arrangements for her to spend some time with her Papaw - in hopes he could have a fatherly talk with her and re-energize her. But she was too sick. They went bowling for a little bit than went to one of her favorite restaurants where she couldn't eat much of her food. Before the end of the night she got sick and felt better and finally went to sleep.
In the process of helping her get ready for bed I noticed she had written on herself. She had written on her girl part! It was a circle with two letters - "J W" correctly facing. I don't know why but I thought it significant that they were correctly facing. It was intentional or purposeful because in order to do that, she would have had to write upside down from her perspective. It just reminded me of how she played to the video camera with the disturbing video she made after her first visit with her dad. Which, I had hidden that video camera in my room - but since my room was moved out to paint, has since gone missing. However, the video card was removed so she can't make videos. Anyway, I asked about the drawing and she immediately cringed and didn't want to talk about it. She tried to say she couldn't remember what the letters were for. I said "If it was a big enough deal to write on your body, it's big enough to remember. Don't lie to me. If you don't want to tell me, say 'I don't want to tell you.'" She said "I don't want to tell you." Fine. For tonight since she is sick.
But this morning I asked again - in a very non-threatening manner. She tried to say it was M J (I didn't get a great view of it yesterday so I wasn't sure if it was right side up etc.) She said it stood for Matthew J... she couldn't remember the last name. After a few of her guesses, I told her I didn't buy it and to just tell me. She told me that it stood for a name that I won't put on here, in came it actually is someone. That she had a dream that she was his slave. Then she claimed she doesn't remember writing it. I knew that part was a bunch of crap since she cringed as soon as I mentioned it the day before - knowing exactly what I was talking about. What a crazy explanation! I don't know what to think about it.
The the rest of the morning she just acted wierd. It's not the usual RAD struggles she has - wanting to be the boss, being defiant or angry. She was acting like she doesn't live in reality. She had been doing that more and more - usually just comments or stuff like arguing with her bunny for falling off the end of her bed and she has been doing a lot of play pretend in her room where you can hear her role playing. But today, she didn't want to go to her tutor's - which hasn't happened in almost 3 months. But with that, she couldn't get dressed to go until she rolled her die and it landed on the number 4. She had a thing about touching her pills to her face before she takes them - she says she likes how they feel. This has been going on for a few weeks. But then, when we were walking out the door, we saw a squirrel in the back yard and she made a big production about this squirrel and how it's her friend Squirrelden and have I met him? And all this stuff and she seemed dead serious. I made her get in the car. She was upset that I wasn't interested in Squirrelden.
It's all too much. I mean, I know she is mentally disturbed. I know she is sick. But when she has such great periods of lucidness. She hasn't been like this in some time. Where is it coming from? I can' deal with her struggles with being the boss. I understand where that comes from. Is this behavior she doing part of something else? Maybe it makes more sense that she is dealing with some stressor that I don't know about or maybe or tolerance is really waning and causing some of her trauma to surface again. I mean, writing on her girl part has to mean something.. is she been thinking alot about the sexual abuse? Or because she is sexualized from the abuse, maybe this male that she named is a crush and she is having sexual thoughts about him? It's causing an emotional regression causing the play pretend and fantasy world stuff? I don't know...
And then, all this also makes me think about the issues at school, with our relationship with the school and how they perceive her as doing well, when she really isn't. So because she seems happy and focused and all that - and she is not sincerely doing well and doesn't do well on a test - it's considered an accurate assessment of her skills or information she learned in class. But then I wonder if that is terribly important? But then I know that the school, using it has their means to determine her skills and lags, use it to determine how to teach her. Then I also know that how she is doing in her classes impacts her self-confidence and can undermind her efforts to improve her emotional health.
One thing I've learned Penelope's healing has to be on her time table. But then if she doesn't have a successful 2nd half of the quarter, her principal is going to really push to put her back into RTI. I want her to do really well 2nd half - if not to show him she doesn't need RTI, but also because she wants it, and her doing well with demonstrate a stronger mental state. But she is not there so I really can't hold my breath on that.
I just don't know what to do and that drives me crazy. I need a plan. I need a direction. I don't know how to help her - once again. This is where I was a year ago, before she started attachment therapy. I feel desperate, anxious, depressed, obsessed - crazy myself. I want to throw up. She has shown us and herself that she can be where she needs to be. How do we get there again.. and keep her there? I understand that it's an ups and downs type of illness and the goal is to make the ups last longer and the downs to be shorter and less severe. But these downs are killing me. Even though they are less severe, I feel like I get weaker each time and then I worry and feel guilty that I'm contributing to her weakness because I can't be strong for her.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
School - Meeting with the Principal
A few days ago, I spoke about this program that her school has put Penelope in called RTI, Response to Intervention. I had a lot of questions, and her one teacher was able to fill me in on the how the program works. I expressed my concerns and at no time were those concerns addressed, but just more information about how beneficial this program is to the participants. I get that. I am not questioning that. Based on tests/assessments, kids who are identified with deficits, are put into the program at what level their assessments identify them at. Then they participate in the associated "Labs." There are continued assessments and at the end of each quarter it is determined if the particpant needs continued intervention, increased intervention, or can be removed from the program all together.
The problem with this program is that it feeds right into Penelope's need to make life easier, not better. Her therapists feels it's not good for her. They talked about her tendency towards "learned helplessness." I was trying to get the school to understand that. Finally, this past Friday I sent an email letting her know that the therapists recommend that she be pulled from the program and that I agree. She responded letting me know that she would talk to the Principal and either he or she would contact me. No call Friday and no call Monday. But I found out that Penelope was still in the program. So I sent another follow up email letting her know that I hadn't heard from anyone, "do I send in something in writing?" But that I may have not made myself very clear in the prior email. Penelope is not to be sent to another lab. I like her Intervention Specialist and am giving her the benefit of doubt that the strong pushback is not coming from her. She is respecting my stance, even though she may or may not agree that Penelope shouldn't be in the program. But the issue has been elevated to the Principal and really is out of her hands. I quickly got a response from the Principal letting me know he feels that Penelope should be in the program based on her reading and math data and if I still disagreed, would like to meet. I responded that I still didn't want her to particpate, gave a short explanation and asked for him to view it from my perspecitve. I also stated that I didn't disagree with anything they have said about what a great program it is, or that Penelope has deficits. But, it's not the right approach for her, specifically - due to her emotional disturbance (to use their word). So, through a couple more emails, we set up the meeting time.
Now, mind you, Penelope doesn't really know this stuff. She knows I'm questioning whether or not this is right for her, but I haven't shared how oppositional it's gotten. Even after I found out that they still took her out of class and put her in the lab AGAIN - after I said specifically not to. That pissed me off. It probably doesn't help that I just had to deal with my twin brother and the family crap, but then to have them try to push me around - well they don't know who they are messing with! I was glad that I had 24 hours to get myself in check and decide what I was going to do about it. My initial instinct was to hold her out of class until we had this meeting. It's was a power stuggle and I was going to win. But I knew that would only hurt Penelope. So, I sent a note in with Penelope that said she is not to go to lab and had my number if anyone had questions. I didn't expect to get the reaction it got but that's for a little later.
So, I had asked my dad to go to the meeting with me. I didn't think I "needed" him but just to show how serious this is for us. But I am so glad he went. My anger was still too on the surface to be as articulate as I wanted. I'd want to say something but felt the tears want to come so I'd shut my mouth. But, we met with the Principal and the Intervention Specialist. And, I will say, I like both of them. I wish the Principal was more open minded. I guarentee he wishes I was too. But I like him because we want the same thing. Penelope to have success. We just see her route there differently. He understood our explanation of her tendencies and all that but he questioned how they related to his program. He wanted to have a "wait and see" plan as to whether it would cause her to regress. I told him I'd already seen it start and gave examples. But I do believe, my word isn't good enough - I don't want it to work. I'm not credible. I saw it on his face.
I talked about her tutor helping her and my dad and I talked about the improvements and what has contributed to it. That she is improving and we want to rely on her tutor. The principal talked about the program and said that she will not get the intervention outside of this program. In other words, the work Penelope's tutor does for her isn't at the level or that she doesn't work on the things Penelope needs. I thought that was a bit presumptious but I know how strong he feels about the program. The principal asked me, "Do you believe she has deficits?" I said "Yes, I just wonder to what extent. She is hard to pin down." They went over her testing and assessments from this month and detailed her deficits. I didn't argue with them. I said that we were aware of the specific reading deficits, and so is her tutor. But it was pretty clear, the Principal's agenda was still focused on the program as being Penelope's solution. I tried to continue the conversation in a productive manner. I said "So with all this information, what we need to do is come up with a solution to address her deficits, understanding the limitation that it has to be outside of the school day, not in this program." The principal didn't like that. He started asking the IS what classes specifically she was missing and all that. He was now wanting to negotiate how many days she goes to this program. That was his solution - compromise. "What if she goes once a week?" I didn't know how to respond to that. He wasn't getting it. My dad interjected at this point - I was too pissed. The things I wanted to say were things that had been floating around in my head since yesterday "Have you ever had a child, face red and puffy from crying for hours beg you to end their life? To put them out of their misery? They don't deserve to live? No? Then maybe you should shut up and learn something." But, I knew better of it. But my dad said something similar that was more appropriate. He said in a very matter of fact manner, that they haven't seen what happens when she has regressed. She has threatened to kill herself, she has threatened to kill her mom.. She has thrown things, punched.. She has an alarm on her bedroom door. It's just not something we are willing to risk - her regressing." I interjected and said, "We have sacrificed a lot to get her here... we can not allow it." I was thinking about how we are pushing visits with George off to allow her this time to get strong and be successful. Why would we ask her to sacrifice that but allow something like this? No way. Even though my dad and did the talking and didn't go into details, I still got emotional but kept it together. I told him that I thought, and if someone could come up with a better idea - great, that if the information from assessments and what not was passed on to her tutor, that we should best utilize her skills to help Penelope. The principal heard what we had to say but he at this point said that he was concerned about the fact that I brought Penelope into it, by sending her with the letter that she is not to be in the program. What kind of message that sends to Penelope. That he is afraid that she will regress from that. That if she was to regress, THAT would be the reason. He was pissed this time. I told him that she doesn't know what has been going on, she just knew that I was questioning whether the program is right for her. Not that I had a problem with the program. "But see," and I'm sure I had daggers in my eyes, I said "I am her legal guardian, her parent. When I send an email that specifically says to not send her to lab, and my direction is ignored, then my ability to advocate for her has been denied. I am not in her school. She is the one that comes here and she has to advocate for herself." He understood but continued to express concerns about sharing with her our disagreements. That she could use that to manipulate to seperate. I told him that is not something I would ever do. I told him that she never knew about all the problems "And you know about allll the problems" we had last year. I always presented things like a united front. The Principal wanted it to be presented to Penelope that we all agreed that removing her from the program was best for her. No problem. I told him that I've always told her how much I like her teachers. That even after Open House, I told her that her favorite teacher (tutor/4th grade teacher) had competition for being her favorite. And that of course, Penelope told her favorite teacher what I said, which made them laugh. But that her teacher said "No one can compete with me!"
We left the meeting agreeing that we would consider relooking at it at the end of the quarter, that they would see if she was improving with her tutor - since the principal doesn't think she can do it - and we were to keep an open mind to the program. I said that as she gets emotionally stronger, she will be able to deal with these tendencies better and she may be strong enough to deal with the program.
We ran into Penelope's 4th grade Math teacher who Penelope liked very much. She is also the Math Lab teacher for this RTI program. She was very warm and friendly and wanted a hug. She talked about how great Penelope is doing, definitly compared to last year. She knew we were meeting today and asked how if Penelope was still in it. I said "No, but not to do with anything her or the program. It's just the way that she percieves the program and her emotional health. It's just not the right thing." My dad interjected that we were going to reconsider down the road blah blah blah. She understood and said over and over that even though she isn't Penelope's teacher anymore she wants to here how she is doing and told us good we have done with her. It was so good to hear that after that meeting.
The problem with this program is that it feeds right into Penelope's need to make life easier, not better. Her therapists feels it's not good for her. They talked about her tendency towards "learned helplessness." I was trying to get the school to understand that. Finally, this past Friday I sent an email letting her know that the therapists recommend that she be pulled from the program and that I agree. She responded letting me know that she would talk to the Principal and either he or she would contact me. No call Friday and no call Monday. But I found out that Penelope was still in the program. So I sent another follow up email letting her know that I hadn't heard from anyone, "do I send in something in writing?" But that I may have not made myself very clear in the prior email. Penelope is not to be sent to another lab. I like her Intervention Specialist and am giving her the benefit of doubt that the strong pushback is not coming from her. She is respecting my stance, even though she may or may not agree that Penelope shouldn't be in the program. But the issue has been elevated to the Principal and really is out of her hands. I quickly got a response from the Principal letting me know he feels that Penelope should be in the program based on her reading and math data and if I still disagreed, would like to meet. I responded that I still didn't want her to particpate, gave a short explanation and asked for him to view it from my perspecitve. I also stated that I didn't disagree with anything they have said about what a great program it is, or that Penelope has deficits. But, it's not the right approach for her, specifically - due to her emotional disturbance (to use their word). So, through a couple more emails, we set up the meeting time.
Now, mind you, Penelope doesn't really know this stuff. She knows I'm questioning whether or not this is right for her, but I haven't shared how oppositional it's gotten. Even after I found out that they still took her out of class and put her in the lab AGAIN - after I said specifically not to. That pissed me off. It probably doesn't help that I just had to deal with my twin brother and the family crap, but then to have them try to push me around - well they don't know who they are messing with! I was glad that I had 24 hours to get myself in check and decide what I was going to do about it. My initial instinct was to hold her out of class until we had this meeting. It's was a power stuggle and I was going to win. But I knew that would only hurt Penelope. So, I sent a note in with Penelope that said she is not to go to lab and had my number if anyone had questions. I didn't expect to get the reaction it got but that's for a little later.
So, I had asked my dad to go to the meeting with me. I didn't think I "needed" him but just to show how serious this is for us. But I am so glad he went. My anger was still too on the surface to be as articulate as I wanted. I'd want to say something but felt the tears want to come so I'd shut my mouth. But, we met with the Principal and the Intervention Specialist. And, I will say, I like both of them. I wish the Principal was more open minded. I guarentee he wishes I was too. But I like him because we want the same thing. Penelope to have success. We just see her route there differently. He understood our explanation of her tendencies and all that but he questioned how they related to his program. He wanted to have a "wait and see" plan as to whether it would cause her to regress. I told him I'd already seen it start and gave examples. But I do believe, my word isn't good enough - I don't want it to work. I'm not credible. I saw it on his face.
I talked about her tutor helping her and my dad and I talked about the improvements and what has contributed to it. That she is improving and we want to rely on her tutor. The principal talked about the program and said that she will not get the intervention outside of this program. In other words, the work Penelope's tutor does for her isn't at the level or that she doesn't work on the things Penelope needs. I thought that was a bit presumptious but I know how strong he feels about the program. The principal asked me, "Do you believe she has deficits?" I said "Yes, I just wonder to what extent. She is hard to pin down." They went over her testing and assessments from this month and detailed her deficits. I didn't argue with them. I said that we were aware of the specific reading deficits, and so is her tutor. But it was pretty clear, the Principal's agenda was still focused on the program as being Penelope's solution. I tried to continue the conversation in a productive manner. I said "So with all this information, what we need to do is come up with a solution to address her deficits, understanding the limitation that it has to be outside of the school day, not in this program." The principal didn't like that. He started asking the IS what classes specifically she was missing and all that. He was now wanting to negotiate how many days she goes to this program. That was his solution - compromise. "What if she goes once a week?" I didn't know how to respond to that. He wasn't getting it. My dad interjected at this point - I was too pissed. The things I wanted to say were things that had been floating around in my head since yesterday "Have you ever had a child, face red and puffy from crying for hours beg you to end their life? To put them out of their misery? They don't deserve to live? No? Then maybe you should shut up and learn something." But, I knew better of it. But my dad said something similar that was more appropriate. He said in a very matter of fact manner, that they haven't seen what happens when she has regressed. She has threatened to kill herself, she has threatened to kill her mom.. She has thrown things, punched.. She has an alarm on her bedroom door. It's just not something we are willing to risk - her regressing." I interjected and said, "We have sacrificed a lot to get her here... we can not allow it." I was thinking about how we are pushing visits with George off to allow her this time to get strong and be successful. Why would we ask her to sacrifice that but allow something like this? No way. Even though my dad and did the talking and didn't go into details, I still got emotional but kept it together. I told him that I thought, and if someone could come up with a better idea - great, that if the information from assessments and what not was passed on to her tutor, that we should best utilize her skills to help Penelope. The principal heard what we had to say but he at this point said that he was concerned about the fact that I brought Penelope into it, by sending her with the letter that she is not to be in the program. What kind of message that sends to Penelope. That he is afraid that she will regress from that. That if she was to regress, THAT would be the reason. He was pissed this time. I told him that she doesn't know what has been going on, she just knew that I was questioning whether the program is right for her. Not that I had a problem with the program. "But see," and I'm sure I had daggers in my eyes, I said "I am her legal guardian, her parent. When I send an email that specifically says to not send her to lab, and my direction is ignored, then my ability to advocate for her has been denied. I am not in her school. She is the one that comes here and she has to advocate for herself." He understood but continued to express concerns about sharing with her our disagreements. That she could use that to manipulate to seperate. I told him that is not something I would ever do. I told him that she never knew about all the problems "And you know about allll the problems" we had last year. I always presented things like a united front. The Principal wanted it to be presented to Penelope that we all agreed that removing her from the program was best for her. No problem. I told him that I've always told her how much I like her teachers. That even after Open House, I told her that her favorite teacher (tutor/4th grade teacher) had competition for being her favorite. And that of course, Penelope told her favorite teacher what I said, which made them laugh. But that her teacher said "No one can compete with me!"
We left the meeting agreeing that we would consider relooking at it at the end of the quarter, that they would see if she was improving with her tutor - since the principal doesn't think she can do it - and we were to keep an open mind to the program. I said that as she gets emotionally stronger, she will be able to deal with these tendencies better and she may be strong enough to deal with the program.
We ran into Penelope's 4th grade Math teacher who Penelope liked very much. She is also the Math Lab teacher for this RTI program. She was very warm and friendly and wanted a hug. She talked about how great Penelope is doing, definitly compared to last year. She knew we were meeting today and asked how if Penelope was still in it. I said "No, but not to do with anything her or the program. It's just the way that she percieves the program and her emotional health. It's just not the right thing." My dad interjected that we were going to reconsider down the road blah blah blah. She understood and said over and over that even though she isn't Penelope's teacher anymore she wants to here how she is doing and told us good we have done with her. It was so good to hear that after that meeting.
Birthday
This past weekend was a big birthday weekend for us. My twin brother and I turned 34. My mother turned 67 the next day - on Monday. None of us really care it's our birthdays, but of course, we want to celebrate eachother. Penelope is big into birthdays. She absolutely loves her birthday and if it was up to her, we would celebrate it for 6 weeks before and after. This year, with my mother's assistance, she painted me an abstract painting to put in my freshly painted room. The freshly painted room was a gift from my mother. With how proud Penelope is of her painting for me, she wanted to create a picture for her Uncle. We did it together so it could be from both of us, and it ended up being more of a collage of sorts. We used the letters of his name and came up with words that were descriptive of him - like "amazing" and "prankster" and "dad." It took us about a week to make it, considering our regular routine. We decided to give "services" as a present to Grandma. We are going to wash her car, and some other things. Penelope made birthday cards out of construction paper and wrote special notes.
My brother was having everyone over for dinner to do this little celebration and gift exchange. I told him I would bring the cake. Penelope helped me decorate it. We were suppose to be at my brother's around 4:00 but we were running late. But somewhere between 3:30 and 4:30, my phone had died and I didn't know it. Around the same time, my twin brother had decided that he was going to invite George over as well. As he put it, he is "tired of not having all the family together." He didn't want to leave him out. But he wanted to talk to me before he said anything to George. But my phone was dead. In that hour it was dead, he went ahead and made arrangements to pick up George at 6:30 - since he didn't have gas money. I found out about it when I returned his call. He told me what plans he had made, and said we'd talk about it when I got there. But ultimately, it meant that we had to leave about 1 1/2 - 2 hours after we got there. When I got there, after Penelope went with her one cousin to the play room, he told me "I have to leave to pick him up at 6:30, what do you want to do?" The question didn't make sense to me. I said "What do you mean what do I want to do? We will have to leave before you get back." He said "I tried to call you but your phone was dead." I said, "And what would it have mattered? If you invited him, you invited him. I can't stop you." He said "Ever since this 'whole thing' I don't get to see him as much as I used to." I said "Why not? It's not like you are always with the child who he can't see. We are not holding you back from making plans with him." His eyes got wide and he didn't know what to say. After a pause he said "He said he can't come around my kids." I said "That's right. He can't be around kids. He told you why, didn't he?" "No." "Because it makes him feel guilty. Not guilty like 'I should have been a better dad' but guilty like 'I'm cheating on her' and and any time he spends with kids should be with his daughter. Like he abandoned her by letting her live with me."
I was pissed. We had dinner and cake and then, because it was time for him to leave and get George, we rushed through presents. Penelope only got to play with her cousin for about 30 minutes tops. Her Aunt and other cousin just arrived home when we were wrapping up. I needed to leave at this point. I was so pissed. I don't ask them to dismiss George for what he has done. I try not to dismiss him myself. But they feel sorry for him because he gets excluded from family functions. Tough shit! If he didn't turn the other cheek when Penelope was being neglected and abused. If he, himself put her first in his life, she wouldn't have turned out to be such a mess. Have you ever seen an 11 year old child beg for death?! "To put her out of her misery." I have. This man, not alone, but responsible for her - has caused her this level of pain. A pain she deals with when she sees him, and we are to feel SORRY for him because he can't be included when she is around?
Penelope was devistated when we left because it was such a short time. I tried to make it a non-issue with her. "Well, we have stuff to do anyway." But we were the only ones leaving. Everyone else was waiting for George. "Why do we have to leave now though??" I'm not going to lie to her about it. I'm not going to cover up for George, just like I'm not going to cover up for Harriet. "Well, George is coming over. He wants to celebrate their birthdays too." She wasn't mad she wasn't going to see him. She was mad that we had to leave early because of George.
Of course, no one in my family thought it was a good idea that I told her the reason we had to leave early was because George wanted to come over and no one wanted to leave him out. But they also knew that really didn't have an arguement against my stance of "I'm not going to cover for Harriet. I'm not covering for him either." But they look at it as undue hardship. She was pissed anyway. She wanted to know why. The next day, I talked to my brother and he said "If she was already upset, then why didn't you just let him visit with her so she'd be upset anyway." Wow, what a stupid comment. I was blown away with the ignorance of that statement. Like her "regressions" after seeing him is a bad evening and that's it. It's not like I haven't told him how she has been after his visits. It felt like all those conversations with him had gone in one ear and out the other. It also felt like him and George had a "pity me" conversation because half the words that came out of his mouth were words I'd heard from George about visits. He wanted a "timeline." He wanted to know if Penelope and George can see eachother on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said "I don't know! I don't know when she will be ready!" He said "Can you ask her therapists?" When I said that they aren't going to know either.. he pushed me to promise him I'd ask. But one thing I learned is that this whole crap that happened on Sunday with invited George and trying to find out what I planned to do - had to do with his "birthday wish" of wanting me to say. "Okay, because it's our birthdays and... well, wouldn't it be nice to have all our family here together like the perfect little family that we are, we will stick around and George and Penelope can see eachother." That is what he was asking me when he said "What are you want to do?" Again, wow. Doesn't listen. To me, that was never an option to consider. I tried to put it in a different persepective. "Let's say Penelope is diabetic and it's this Thanskgiving or Christmas - but we decided - it's okay for her to have a piece of pie and as much crap as she wants. It's a Thanksgiving and Christmas! Let's risk her health so it seems like nothing is wrong and she isn't sick." He said "You can't use that analogy. It's like you are saying she can't get any better." I said "No. I do think she can get better and she is. But what I'm saying is just because it's a holiday, doesn't make things different than what they are!" He said "It's been 2 years (really isn't only been less than 1 year) since we all can celebrate holidays together. I'm tired of waiting." That was heart breaking. My twin brother - best friend since before birth - is tired of supporting what is so important to me. Isn't one who believes Penelope's needs are more important than his adult needs. A child who had to wait 8 years for her needs to become #1 in an adults life. That's what that says to me. I told him that if it would make him feel better, from now on, Penelope and I could be the ones left out during the holidays. He said "Yeah! Like that would go over well with Penelope." No, but it's better than dealing with this crap.
My brother was having everyone over for dinner to do this little celebration and gift exchange. I told him I would bring the cake. Penelope helped me decorate it. We were suppose to be at my brother's around 4:00 but we were running late. But somewhere between 3:30 and 4:30, my phone had died and I didn't know it. Around the same time, my twin brother had decided that he was going to invite George over as well. As he put it, he is "tired of not having all the family together." He didn't want to leave him out. But he wanted to talk to me before he said anything to George. But my phone was dead. In that hour it was dead, he went ahead and made arrangements to pick up George at 6:30 - since he didn't have gas money. I found out about it when I returned his call. He told me what plans he had made, and said we'd talk about it when I got there. But ultimately, it meant that we had to leave about 1 1/2 - 2 hours after we got there. When I got there, after Penelope went with her one cousin to the play room, he told me "I have to leave to pick him up at 6:30, what do you want to do?" The question didn't make sense to me. I said "What do you mean what do I want to do? We will have to leave before you get back." He said "I tried to call you but your phone was dead." I said, "And what would it have mattered? If you invited him, you invited him. I can't stop you." He said "Ever since this 'whole thing' I don't get to see him as much as I used to." I said "Why not? It's not like you are always with the child who he can't see. We are not holding you back from making plans with him." His eyes got wide and he didn't know what to say. After a pause he said "He said he can't come around my kids." I said "That's right. He can't be around kids. He told you why, didn't he?" "No." "Because it makes him feel guilty. Not guilty like 'I should have been a better dad' but guilty like 'I'm cheating on her' and and any time he spends with kids should be with his daughter. Like he abandoned her by letting her live with me."
I was pissed. We had dinner and cake and then, because it was time for him to leave and get George, we rushed through presents. Penelope only got to play with her cousin for about 30 minutes tops. Her Aunt and other cousin just arrived home when we were wrapping up. I needed to leave at this point. I was so pissed. I don't ask them to dismiss George for what he has done. I try not to dismiss him myself. But they feel sorry for him because he gets excluded from family functions. Tough shit! If he didn't turn the other cheek when Penelope was being neglected and abused. If he, himself put her first in his life, she wouldn't have turned out to be such a mess. Have you ever seen an 11 year old child beg for death?! "To put her out of her misery." I have. This man, not alone, but responsible for her - has caused her this level of pain. A pain she deals with when she sees him, and we are to feel SORRY for him because he can't be included when she is around?
Penelope was devistated when we left because it was such a short time. I tried to make it a non-issue with her. "Well, we have stuff to do anyway." But we were the only ones leaving. Everyone else was waiting for George. "Why do we have to leave now though??" I'm not going to lie to her about it. I'm not going to cover up for George, just like I'm not going to cover up for Harriet. "Well, George is coming over. He wants to celebrate their birthdays too." She wasn't mad she wasn't going to see him. She was mad that we had to leave early because of George.
Of course, no one in my family thought it was a good idea that I told her the reason we had to leave early was because George wanted to come over and no one wanted to leave him out. But they also knew that really didn't have an arguement against my stance of "I'm not going to cover for Harriet. I'm not covering for him either." But they look at it as undue hardship. She was pissed anyway. She wanted to know why. The next day, I talked to my brother and he said "If she was already upset, then why didn't you just let him visit with her so she'd be upset anyway." Wow, what a stupid comment. I was blown away with the ignorance of that statement. Like her "regressions" after seeing him is a bad evening and that's it. It's not like I haven't told him how she has been after his visits. It felt like all those conversations with him had gone in one ear and out the other. It also felt like him and George had a "pity me" conversation because half the words that came out of his mouth were words I'd heard from George about visits. He wanted a "timeline." He wanted to know if Penelope and George can see eachother on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said "I don't know! I don't know when she will be ready!" He said "Can you ask her therapists?" When I said that they aren't going to know either.. he pushed me to promise him I'd ask. But one thing I learned is that this whole crap that happened on Sunday with invited George and trying to find out what I planned to do - had to do with his "birthday wish" of wanting me to say. "Okay, because it's our birthdays and... well, wouldn't it be nice to have all our family here together like the perfect little family that we are, we will stick around and George and Penelope can see eachother." That is what he was asking me when he said "What are you want to do?" Again, wow. Doesn't listen. To me, that was never an option to consider. I tried to put it in a different persepective. "Let's say Penelope is diabetic and it's this Thanskgiving or Christmas - but we decided - it's okay for her to have a piece of pie and as much crap as she wants. It's a Thanksgiving and Christmas! Let's risk her health so it seems like nothing is wrong and she isn't sick." He said "You can't use that analogy. It's like you are saying she can't get any better." I said "No. I do think she can get better and she is. But what I'm saying is just because it's a holiday, doesn't make things different than what they are!" He said "It's been 2 years (really isn't only been less than 1 year) since we all can celebrate holidays together. I'm tired of waiting." That was heart breaking. My twin brother - best friend since before birth - is tired of supporting what is so important to me. Isn't one who believes Penelope's needs are more important than his adult needs. A child who had to wait 8 years for her needs to become #1 in an adults life. That's what that says to me. I told him that if it would make him feel better, from now on, Penelope and I could be the ones left out during the holidays. He said "Yeah! Like that would go over well with Penelope." No, but it's better than dealing with this crap.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Getting Stronger
Penelope is working hard to try to pull herself out of Yuckworld. She seems to always hit this plateau before she is in Happyland. I equate it to the top ring of a ladder you climb to get out of a pool. It's the hardest - the water clinging to your body wants to drag you back into the pool. Right now, it seems her school work is her easiest challenge. Making her bed on the other hand...
I'm not a stickler to bedmaking and all that. I'm not an very organized person. She just happens to be a marathon sleeper - turning and twisting over and over that by morning her blankets and top sheet are all over the place. But, at bedtime, when her pills are kicking in, and her tolerance is close to non-existant, getting her bedding in order so she can climb in is something she perceives as too much. It's been a daily challenge for her. When she is in Happyland, she will - without being asked to, make it in the morning. Right now, mornings consist of moans and groans about having to get ready. Not nearly as bad as last year. She was tardy to school more than not last year - until the end of third quarter when she started getting detentions. She hasn't been tardy once this year, nor wants to. Last year, couldn't have cared less - until around the 3rd detention.
But let me tell you about Penelope and school. <>She gets her homework done without any issues. Usually the only "homework" she has at home is her daily reading, which we like to do together because she knows I love to read. She has a new book and is hooked. Instead of reading her 30 minutes a day, she has been reading 45 to 60 minutes a day. For her, that is significant. They are not doing a lot of writing yet, that I have seen, but her improved reading will help her when they start doing that. Currently, she has 100% in Reading class. She has a 99% in English, a 98% in Math, and a 85% in Social Studies. Her teacher hasn't posted any of her Science grades online yet. But these grades are awesome for the quarter being about halfway over.
Her school has implemented a program called Response to Intervention (RTI) which sounds great. However, Penelope was put in it and I really don't think she needs to be in it. It's a program that uses Universal Screeners (an assessment test) to determine "at-risk" kids who are struggling with the classwork and is getting behind, determines a level of risk, and puts them in the program at that level. It's not Special Education strickly but pretty much straddles that line. A child with an IEP may not be in the RTI while a student without and IEP is. If they are identified as having a Reading or Math deficit, then they are pulled from certain classes, like Gym or Music for these "Labs." Because they just started this program, instead of screening all the kids, they are basing their eligibility on their prior years state achievement tests - that was taken 5 months ago. Penelope has worked very hard over the past several months and is getting really good grades and comments from everyone. "Completely different person.." "I would never had known she had an IEP based on her work.." "She is so mature..." And she is passed that intial stage that children with RAD go through trying to "charm" their teachers. I'm a little worried about the social implications for her - peer perception as well as missed social interaction in Gym and Music. But she will also miss some of her Language Arts classes. She is doing so well now, but she can't afford to miss that time. Language Arts has always been where she has been behind. Now that she has worked so hard to catch up.. I just don't want her to be in this RTI if she shouldn't be. It's just that because she did poorly on all her OATs, she is in both the Reading and Math Labs, and is pulled out of class 6 times a week.
Another issue with this, the biggest issue for me, is that they already "sold" her on this program because they give out candy, and have a reward system, and told them all how great it was that they were going to be working together. They get special attention and it pulls her out of Gym which she hates because she doesn't like getting sweaty, and now that she isn't friends with Mary, she doesn't want to be in Band anymore. (Those are not good excuses for missing those classes - it's avoidance.) She is alll about the program. She knows I'm concerned about it and questioning whether or not she should be in it. She tries to tell me she only misses like 10 minutes of her classes - but then she "got out late" and missed lunch on Tuesday, and she was telling me how she thought she wouldn't need her instrument for band yesterday but they cancelled the lab. I said "I thought you said that you only miss 10 minutes?" She just looked at me like "huh?" Yeah, thought so. I asked her if the work was easy. She paused looking at me - a good tell that she is about to lie. "Oh no. Actually it's kinda hard." Of course it is. So you need it right? That is my concern. I already believe that she skewed a lot of her test scores last year to make it appear like she needed more help than she did. So she didn't have to do much. She had her one teacher thinking she reads at a 2nd/3rd grade level for crying out loud. (I wonder how many times I keep bring that up - haha) I don't want her to get into that again.
I have contacted her new Intervention Specialist about my concerns. She is helping because she is giving more information about it, but my main concern about how Penelope sees it isn't being addressed. I have been advised, I could tell them to exempt her they'd have to, but that isn't the type of relationship I want to have with the school this year. If I have to, I will but as a last resort. I want her to tell me where I'm wrong, or hear me out on my concerns. Penelope's tutor is aware of the program and is concerned about Penelope being taken out of class as well. She questions whether Penelope should be in the Math section, but is also concerned about the Reading as well. She knows Penelope is still behind in her Reading skills but doesn't feel it warrants being removed from class. Penelope has come a long way and basing it off of old scores is counter-productive for Penelope. My mom feels that Penelope is going to get labeled and get grouped with the bottom kids and have reprocusions of it (like her dad). For her it reminds her of troubles she had with the school with George 35 years ago. But she wanted me to point out that Penelope has been doing a lot of "intervention" work at home with a tutor and other things - which was a very valid point. Schools have a huge responsibility to provide opportunities and successes to their students. Some parents get involved, but too many parents don't. If the child doesn't have the support at home, the school in a lot of ways has to step up as much as they can. But Penelope has a lot of support at home. But her largest concern is the social stigma and reprocussions of that if she is in a program like that. I think it's a bit extreme, especially in a school district like this one, but I think it's something to worry about. She even said maybe if we had Penelope go to her tutor 3 times a week instead of 2. That's how much she doesn't want her in this program.
A lot of this has to do with information - and unless I missed something, the school did a really poor job of explaining it to the parents. I got a letter in the mail in July before the test scores were sent out, that was general to all parents with kids who had low test scores or who teachers thought they'd benefit from RTI, that my child would possibly in a Reading Lab or a Math Lab based on that information. That was basically it. Not explaining how long, how the program works with assessments and for what length of time a child would be in the program - what the program consisted of and what classes they'd miss, when it would start.. nothing. Penelope came home on Monday saying "Guess what?.." and told me how she gets to not go to certain classes anymore etc.. When I told her I didn't like the sound of it, she got mad. So not happy about one sided sales job they did on the students.
But overall, Penelope is working hard to get stronger. If I get the word "Fine!" out of her vocabulary, it will be easier. She is still doing a bit of what I call "Shock Value" statements. For example, I asked if she played with a new friend of hers. She said "No, she was sick today. She has Swine Flu." So I went through the questions with her to make her think about her statement and if it was the right thing to say. The girl was home sick and she assumed it was Swine Flu. She claims other kids were saying it was Swine Flu. Right. She is going to burn that bridge before it's built with that type of talk. Even her one teacher, who she adores, missed school yesterday because she had a family member pass away. Penelope said "She had to go to a funeral because her cousin died of cancer.. or leukemia." I told her that leukemia is cancer and how does she know it's cancer. She said she just figured it was. She really doesn't understand yet how these kinds of statements can be hurtful to people. She is doing it not to be malicious, I know. But because she wants to seem all-knowing. Be in control. Be the boss. I see this struggle in pretty much everything she does. An outsider would see it as inmaturity or an insensitive or mean-spirited child. It's hard not to get frustrated when she does it though. Simply because I don't want someone to have hurt feelings. Until she can get past this hurtful type behavior she is really going to have a hard time making friends. And friends is what she needs most right now.
She did get her school pictures yesterday. I think they look good. She wants her dad to have the biggest one. Of course she does. I told her that everyone was getting a picture. I even said Harriet. She said right away "She gets one of the small ones." I looked at her like "Really?" and she said, "She has a lot of things and she really doesn't have a place to put anything bigger." Right. It's sad she has so much hate in her heart.
Last night she started talking about her dad again. She reminded me that her dad went to school with one of her classmates' mom. Then she brought up her dad's ex-girlfriend Brittany who he had known as kids and ran into when he was living with me during his divorce. Penelope and George were having dinner at a nearby restaurant and ran into her and her daughter. George persued her even though they were friends from the first month - or he claimed anyway. My mom and I told him that Penelope shouldn't meet or hang out with Brittany or any girlfriend until he plans to get married. His second wife had really traumatized Penelope and he started dating Brittany before he was even divorced. But George took Penelope around Brittany anyway behind our backs and then out in the open in defiance. They dated for about 6 months until Brittany got sick of how mean George's family was (based on the crap he told her) and was sick of George not standing up to us (maybe because he fed you lies and didn't tell you that he depends on us?) She didn't come across as someone who brought much to the table herself anyway. One of things that really pissed me off was on their first "official" date, which was a Halloween party, Brittany's mom was going to watch both Penelope and Brittany's daughter. Because her mother is wheelchair bound, Brittany's sister stuck around too. But that night, neither George or Brittany showed up to pick up their kids. They didn't call, were not reachable, nothing. Of course the mom and sister got pissed at Brittany. Penelope was 10 at the time and ended up calling me all quiet.. "Um, Daddy forgot to pick me up and I don't know where I am and they don't want me here anymore and I want to come home..." I had stayed at my parents house that night so I didn't know they didn't come home. Talk about pissed! George's excuse was that he and Brittany drank too much and fell asleep on the couches in her friend's living room. He felt no accountability or regret. He felt Penelope was being a drama queen, that she was fine at Brittany's mom's house regardless that Penelope didn't know these people and that could feel the tension going on from the adults who were pissed and assumed it was at her. That he never called anyone to let them know what was going on. That he put his daughter through this. I found out later that he yelled at her for calling me. She should have called him. "I'm your dad! She is not me!" Anyway, that's part of my first, really long post giving the history of things.
But Penelope, being in her mentality that her dad is just Mr. Wonderful, was talking about how one time they were at a restaurant having dinner and he told Penelope that he was going to wait a whole year this time because of his marriage to Debbie, to ask Brittany to marry him. Penelope and the other daughter talked about all the stuff they'd do as sisters. Even at this moment Penelope is describing it, she gets all hopeful. Again, George had made plans with Penelope to take her behind my back. I asked her "If Dad got married again, is that what you'd want, to go live with him?" She looked at me with wide eyes and said "Well..... I'd have a sister!" She was thinking that Brittany would still be the person George would marry. I told her, "You understand that you are here, with me, permenantly. If Dad gets married, or doesn't get married. You are living with me." She said "I know I'm staying here. This is my home." She didn't sound disappointed. I suspect she still has high hopes for Dad though. It's understandable. I wish she could see him for who he really is, but then I also don't want to see her heart broken either. But it would be real and not this fantasy world she escapes too that only throws roadblocks in her healing.
I'm not a stickler to bedmaking and all that. I'm not an very organized person. She just happens to be a marathon sleeper - turning and twisting over and over that by morning her blankets and top sheet are all over the place. But, at bedtime, when her pills are kicking in, and her tolerance is close to non-existant, getting her bedding in order so she can climb in is something she perceives as too much. It's been a daily challenge for her. When she is in Happyland, she will - without being asked to, make it in the morning. Right now, mornings consist of moans and groans about having to get ready. Not nearly as bad as last year. She was tardy to school more than not last year - until the end of third quarter when she started getting detentions. She hasn't been tardy once this year, nor wants to. Last year, couldn't have cared less - until around the 3rd detention.
But let me tell you about Penelope and school. <
Her school has implemented a program called Response to Intervention (RTI) which sounds great. However, Penelope was put in it and I really don't think she needs to be in it. It's a program that uses Universal Screeners (an assessment test) to determine "at-risk" kids who are struggling with the classwork and is getting behind, determines a level of risk, and puts them in the program at that level. It's not Special Education strickly but pretty much straddles that line. A child with an IEP may not be in the RTI while a student without and IEP is. If they are identified as having a Reading or Math deficit, then they are pulled from certain classes, like Gym or Music for these "Labs." Because they just started this program, instead of screening all the kids, they are basing their eligibility on their prior years state achievement tests - that was taken 5 months ago. Penelope has worked very hard over the past several months and is getting really good grades and comments from everyone. "Completely different person.." "I would never had known she had an IEP based on her work.." "She is so mature..." And she is passed that intial stage that children with RAD go through trying to "charm" their teachers. I'm a little worried about the social implications for her - peer perception as well as missed social interaction in Gym and Music. But she will also miss some of her Language Arts classes. She is doing so well now, but she can't afford to miss that time. Language Arts has always been where she has been behind. Now that she has worked so hard to catch up.. I just don't want her to be in this RTI if she shouldn't be. It's just that because she did poorly on all her OATs, she is in both the Reading and Math Labs, and is pulled out of class 6 times a week.
Another issue with this, the biggest issue for me, is that they already "sold" her on this program because they give out candy, and have a reward system, and told them all how great it was that they were going to be working together. They get special attention and it pulls her out of Gym which she hates because she doesn't like getting sweaty, and now that she isn't friends with Mary, she doesn't want to be in Band anymore. (Those are not good excuses for missing those classes - it's avoidance.) She is alll about the program. She knows I'm concerned about it and questioning whether or not she should be in it. She tries to tell me she only misses like 10 minutes of her classes - but then she "got out late" and missed lunch on Tuesday, and she was telling me how she thought she wouldn't need her instrument for band yesterday but they cancelled the lab. I said "I thought you said that you only miss 10 minutes?" She just looked at me like "huh?" Yeah, thought so. I asked her if the work was easy. She paused looking at me - a good tell that she is about to lie. "Oh no. Actually it's kinda hard." Of course it is. So you need it right? That is my concern. I already believe that she skewed a lot of her test scores last year to make it appear like she needed more help than she did. So she didn't have to do much. She had her one teacher thinking she reads at a 2nd/3rd grade level for crying out loud. (I wonder how many times I keep bring that up - haha) I don't want her to get into that again.
I have contacted her new Intervention Specialist about my concerns. She is helping because she is giving more information about it, but my main concern about how Penelope sees it isn't being addressed. I have been advised, I could tell them to exempt her they'd have to, but that isn't the type of relationship I want to have with the school this year. If I have to, I will but as a last resort. I want her to tell me where I'm wrong, or hear me out on my concerns. Penelope's tutor is aware of the program and is concerned about Penelope being taken out of class as well. She questions whether Penelope should be in the Math section, but is also concerned about the Reading as well. She knows Penelope is still behind in her Reading skills but doesn't feel it warrants being removed from class. Penelope has come a long way and basing it off of old scores is counter-productive for Penelope. My mom feels that Penelope is going to get labeled and get grouped with the bottom kids and have reprocusions of it (like her dad). For her it reminds her of troubles she had with the school with George 35 years ago. But she wanted me to point out that Penelope has been doing a lot of "intervention" work at home with a tutor and other things - which was a very valid point. Schools have a huge responsibility to provide opportunities and successes to their students. Some parents get involved, but too many parents don't. If the child doesn't have the support at home, the school in a lot of ways has to step up as much as they can. But Penelope has a lot of support at home. But her largest concern is the social stigma and reprocussions of that if she is in a program like that. I think it's a bit extreme, especially in a school district like this one, but I think it's something to worry about. She even said maybe if we had Penelope go to her tutor 3 times a week instead of 2. That's how much she doesn't want her in this program.
A lot of this has to do with information - and unless I missed something, the school did a really poor job of explaining it to the parents. I got a letter in the mail in July before the test scores were sent out, that was general to all parents with kids who had low test scores or who teachers thought they'd benefit from RTI, that my child would possibly in a Reading Lab or a Math Lab based on that information. That was basically it. Not explaining how long, how the program works with assessments and for what length of time a child would be in the program - what the program consisted of and what classes they'd miss, when it would start.. nothing. Penelope came home on Monday saying "Guess what?.." and told me how she gets to not go to certain classes anymore etc.. When I told her I didn't like the sound of it, she got mad. So not happy about one sided sales job they did on the students.
But overall, Penelope is working hard to get stronger. If I get the word "Fine!" out of her vocabulary, it will be easier. She is still doing a bit of what I call "Shock Value" statements. For example, I asked if she played with a new friend of hers. She said "No, she was sick today. She has Swine Flu." So I went through the questions with her to make her think about her statement and if it was the right thing to say. The girl was home sick and she assumed it was Swine Flu. She claims other kids were saying it was Swine Flu. Right. She is going to burn that bridge before it's built with that type of talk. Even her one teacher, who she adores, missed school yesterday because she had a family member pass away. Penelope said "She had to go to a funeral because her cousin died of cancer.. or leukemia." I told her that leukemia is cancer and how does she know it's cancer. She said she just figured it was. She really doesn't understand yet how these kinds of statements can be hurtful to people. She is doing it not to be malicious, I know. But because she wants to seem all-knowing. Be in control. Be the boss. I see this struggle in pretty much everything she does. An outsider would see it as inmaturity or an insensitive or mean-spirited child. It's hard not to get frustrated when she does it though. Simply because I don't want someone to have hurt feelings. Until she can get past this hurtful type behavior she is really going to have a hard time making friends. And friends is what she needs most right now.
She did get her school pictures yesterday. I think they look good. She wants her dad to have the biggest one. Of course she does. I told her that everyone was getting a picture. I even said Harriet. She said right away "She gets one of the small ones." I looked at her like "Really?" and she said, "She has a lot of things and she really doesn't have a place to put anything bigger." Right. It's sad she has so much hate in her heart.
Last night she started talking about her dad again. She reminded me that her dad went to school with one of her classmates' mom. Then she brought up her dad's ex-girlfriend Brittany who he had known as kids and ran into when he was living with me during his divorce. Penelope and George were having dinner at a nearby restaurant and ran into her and her daughter. George persued her even though they were friends from the first month - or he claimed anyway. My mom and I told him that Penelope shouldn't meet or hang out with Brittany or any girlfriend until he plans to get married. His second wife had really traumatized Penelope and he started dating Brittany before he was even divorced. But George took Penelope around Brittany anyway behind our backs and then out in the open in defiance. They dated for about 6 months until Brittany got sick of how mean George's family was (based on the crap he told her) and was sick of George not standing up to us (maybe because he fed you lies and didn't tell you that he depends on us?) She didn't come across as someone who brought much to the table herself anyway. One of things that really pissed me off was on their first "official" date, which was a Halloween party, Brittany's mom was going to watch both Penelope and Brittany's daughter. Because her mother is wheelchair bound, Brittany's sister stuck around too. But that night, neither George or Brittany showed up to pick up their kids. They didn't call, were not reachable, nothing. Of course the mom and sister got pissed at Brittany. Penelope was 10 at the time and ended up calling me all quiet.. "Um, Daddy forgot to pick me up and I don't know where I am and they don't want me here anymore and I want to come home..." I had stayed at my parents house that night so I didn't know they didn't come home. Talk about pissed! George's excuse was that he and Brittany drank too much and fell asleep on the couches in her friend's living room. He felt no accountability or regret. He felt Penelope was being a drama queen, that she was fine at Brittany's mom's house regardless that Penelope didn't know these people and that could feel the tension going on from the adults who were pissed and assumed it was at her. That he never called anyone to let them know what was going on. That he put his daughter through this. I found out later that he yelled at her for calling me. She should have called him. "I'm your dad! She is not me!" Anyway, that's part of my first, really long post giving the history of things.
But Penelope, being in her mentality that her dad is just Mr. Wonderful, was talking about how one time they were at a restaurant having dinner and he told Penelope that he was going to wait a whole year this time because of his marriage to Debbie, to ask Brittany to marry him. Penelope and the other daughter talked about all the stuff they'd do as sisters. Even at this moment Penelope is describing it, she gets all hopeful. Again, George had made plans with Penelope to take her behind my back. I asked her "If Dad got married again, is that what you'd want, to go live with him?" She looked at me with wide eyes and said "Well..... I'd have a sister!" She was thinking that Brittany would still be the person George would marry. I told her, "You understand that you are here, with me, permenantly. If Dad gets married, or doesn't get married. You are living with me." She said "I know I'm staying here. This is my home." She didn't sound disappointed. I suspect she still has high hopes for Dad though. It's understandable. I wish she could see him for who he really is, but then I also don't want to see her heart broken either. But it would be real and not this fantasy world she escapes too that only throws roadblocks in her healing.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
New Image
Because Penelope has really been doing well overall the past few months, I have decided to "upgrade" our blogger background to something that reflects how things are going. We still have a ways to go, but things are definitely on their way up. Penelope can see it and now wants it. She no longer wants to give up, or harm herself. She struggles daily with her anxiety, her need to be in control, and how she handles the stressors in life. But we have made such progress, I'm decided to take us away from the dark and dangerous looking background - reflecting our dark and dangerous situation. I know it wasn't uplifting, but it was honest. It was probably the darkest period of my life, and for Penelope, it was probably one of the hardest periods of her life. I can't imagine how it compares to her years of neglect and abuse.. so I'm not going to try. But we are on the better end of that. She gets stronger all the time, and I believe she will be a better person for it.
Here is the old background:
Here is the old background:
Friday, September 11, 2009
New friends - maybe?
I wrote my last post in the middle of the night, sleepless. I probably need to go back and proof read. I should do that anyway, but I'm sure my writing at that hour is even worse than usual. That morning when it was time to get Penelope ready for school, she really didn't want to go. She felt "sick" again and every morning task she did, she took breaks laying across her bed. I knew she was depressed. But what do you do. A mom can only give out so many hugs and "I love you"s before it just gets annoying and only points out the obvious to her more and more - that isn't what she needs right now. What she needed was to feel accepted, valued, respected, one of them - by her peers. With Mary dumping her, she was at a very low low - and even though she fought it tooth and nail, was back in Yuckworld. This was something that she was going to have to deal with on her own. I have racked my brain to figure out anything that I could do, or someone I could recruit that could help her. Nothing and no one came to mind.
Last ditch effort, I cut her PB& J into two hearts, wrote her a little note for her lunch as a surprise and took her to school. I'd like to think it was the boost she needed to appear approachable. She did what has become her recent routine at lunchtime - go sit by herself at an empty table, to eat her lunch. Three girls that she has never been friends with but has had class with over the years, came and sat next to her. They included her in their conversations and she became part of "them." All four went out to recess and she ran around playing games with them and had a blast. They played Tetherball and Susan told Penelope she was really good at it. When I picked her up school that day, she was on cloud 9 filled with acceptance and happiness.
My immediate thought was "THANK GOD!" but I know that we are not necessarily out of the woods. Her lifeline to Happyland is too entangled with the acceptance and new friendships of these girls. Understandably, everyone wants to be accepted. But with the trauma of abuse - a childhood rottened by events of rejection from the people that should never have rejected her, acceptance is such an extremely important thing. Because of it's value and direct line to happiness, it's also vulnerable to sabatoge. But I think Penelope is really understanding the ultimate satisfaction of what it is like to be in Happyland. It's not perfect, and shouldn't be. Too happy has it's problems too. But she is more comfortable there than she used to be. She "hates" being in Yuckworld. Her emotions are still so extreme and raw. I thought my intense emotions as a kid was hard to handle, I am thoroughly impressed with what how she has not just survived her intense emotions (even though there were times - too many times - she just wanted life to end) but has started to rein them in. She is amazing.
Yesterday was a good day for her as well - since she spent lunch and recess with the same group of girls. On her own, she initiated her homework and was very focused and strategic only getting overwelmed twice. She even worked ahead on a Science worksheet that was "optional" because they were going to do it in class. By evening, her emotional high, that is still riddled with anxiety and hyper-vigilence, wore her down and she got a bit cranky but it's something I know is just one of the several signs/symptoms she has that reminds me she is still in Yuckworld but overall is still fighting it tooth and nail.
Last ditch effort, I cut her PB& J into two hearts, wrote her a little note for her lunch as a surprise and took her to school. I'd like to think it was the boost she needed to appear approachable. She did what has become her recent routine at lunchtime - go sit by herself at an empty table, to eat her lunch. Three girls that she has never been friends with but has had class with over the years, came and sat next to her. They included her in their conversations and she became part of "them." All four went out to recess and she ran around playing games with them and had a blast. They played Tetherball and Susan told Penelope she was really good at it. When I picked her up school that day, she was on cloud 9 filled with acceptance and happiness.
My immediate thought was "THANK GOD!" but I know that we are not necessarily out of the woods. Her lifeline to Happyland is too entangled with the acceptance and new friendships of these girls. Understandably, everyone wants to be accepted. But with the trauma of abuse - a childhood rottened by events of rejection from the people that should never have rejected her, acceptance is such an extremely important thing. Because of it's value and direct line to happiness, it's also vulnerable to sabatoge. But I think Penelope is really understanding the ultimate satisfaction of what it is like to be in Happyland. It's not perfect, and shouldn't be. Too happy has it's problems too. But she is more comfortable there than she used to be. She "hates" being in Yuckworld. Her emotions are still so extreme and raw. I thought my intense emotions as a kid was hard to handle, I am thoroughly impressed with what how she has not just survived her intense emotions (even though there were times - too many times - she just wanted life to end) but has started to rein them in. She is amazing.
Yesterday was a good day for her as well - since she spent lunch and recess with the same group of girls. On her own, she initiated her homework and was very focused and strategic only getting overwelmed twice. She even worked ahead on a Science worksheet that was "optional" because they were going to do it in class. By evening, her emotional high, that is still riddled with anxiety and hyper-vigilence, wore her down and she got a bit cranky but it's something I know is just one of the several signs/symptoms she has that reminds me she is still in Yuckworld but overall is still fighting it tooth and nail.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Social Scene
Well, Penelope is on her way back to Yuckworld. I'm glad we have therapy tomorrow. We've been going every week but the last two, it's only been for neurofeedback since the lead therapist hasn't been there. I really don't know how to help Penelope.
She is trying to not be in Yuckworld, but it is what it is. It's related to the fact that she really doesn't have any friends. I have no idea why. She says it's because she is ugly. This child is NOT ugly. She has a lot of great physical characteristics. She does have an akwardness about her, mostly due to her posture and gait, but what do you do? I don't want to make her self-conscious about it. I think of it as a 12 year old inbetween thing. Also, it' an low self-esteem thing. It's really her low self-esteem that is unattractive. Otherwise, she is a funny, fun loving, beautiful young girl.
But a week ago, one of her oldest, dearest friends "dumped" her for what I still don't understand. Penelope is giving 100% effort in her classrooms according to her and her teachers. I pick her up from school and she tells me how wonderful her day was. But then, within the next few hours, she tells me how miserable she was all day. Well, today I sat her down and tried to get to the bottom of it. It's about her lack of social life. When she would tell me about how wonderful her day was, she would include how she sat alone at lunch and recess. But she was okay with that. I knew better of course. But then later, she would admit how miserable she was because of it.
In her head, she tries to cheer herself up by thinking of friends she has outside of her school - from camp or through family friends. It really doesn't weigh against the kids that she sees every day.
So I did the only thing I can think of which is have her tell me about someone who she is sorta friends with, and have her invite them over during the weekend. So we will see how that goes. I also talked to her about after-school clubs - even though I'm hesistant on that because I don't want it to be too much with her school work. She wants to join Chess Club, and I feel like she deserves to get back into Chess but she admits that it is a club full of boys and she doesn't know how interested she is in having friends that are boys.
But there isn't much more I can do than that. Just have faith that it will happen for her. I think she is still hurting and mourning the loss of her friendship with Mary to be approachable and when she gets back in Happyland, things will get better.
I've also been fighting the signs of her regressing back into Yuckworld. Getting snippy with her, not liking it. But once I conciously acknowledged that is what is going on, I've accepted that there isn't much I can do to get her not to go there, but just to start helping her get back out of it - with patience.
I would say, the signs and symptoms really started on Sunday. She told me she wasn't feeling good (unhappy) and we spent most of the day together doing stuff before we went to my parents for dinner. At dinner, she was very paticular about her food. This is too salty,... she wanted this on the side, not next to it... not enough of this...etc. And everything was in her winey baby voice.
"Fine" is her new word of the moment. Everything is met with either an angry, or sarcastic "Fine!" She is also has been living in fantasy land a bit too - talking about how monsters, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, fairies, etc. are real. Her manners have gone out the window.. constantly interrupting me, belching, being disgusting with food, making lots of noises even when I've asked her to stop several times, "forgetting" not to do this or that.. And her need to exaggerated things or take things to the extreme is also been highly annoying. It's been going on for a few days now, but a perfect example is how today she told me that snoring kills people. I had told her that she snored last night because her allergies were up. I told her that snoring doesn't kill people. She insisted on it. I said "No, snoring can be associated with sleep apnea and sleep apnea can kill people." She said "That's what I said!" No, it's not. My cat has been showing signs of something wrong, including some blood in his stool. We are taking him to the vet, but when I was describing the symptoms, it's "There is blood everywhere!" No there is not.. I get defensive, because I swear, she'd love to have a story to tell people about how sick my cat is or that he is dying. She seems sincere when she says she hopes he isn't dying, like she would devistated too - but he is older so it's one of my great concerns. But when she does that, exaggerates his symptoms, it pisses me off. But she makes these declarations, generalizations - like it's for shock value.
But it's also like she is trying to handle something for me. My brother was over today to do some handyman work for me and I'm trying to tell him what the problems were and she just kept interrupting to tell him her version (the extreme) of what the problems were. I told her that I am the adult and would handle it and she needed to stay quiet and wait until I was done talking. She'd wait all but maybe 2 minutes before she'd start up again.
The last thing she has been doing is what I call "negotiating" and doing things on her terms. Usually these little conversations end in a huff and a "Fine!" But if I tell her to do something, she will say "In a minute" or give me a reason that she isn't going to do it. I then just say "Does that mean you are saying no?" which usually gets a "Ugh! Fine!" But even just tasks - she is back to doing things half-assed. For example, of the few things I have her do around the house at this point, one of them is setting the table for dinner. We had my parents over on Monday. I asked/ reminded her to set the table. She says "But I don't have any plates." Of course she does, they are stored in the kitchen cabinet. But that was her answer. I told her she knows where they are and that dinner would be ready in 5 minutes. She gets the plates out and then sits down at the table. I said, "Penelope, please come here. There are more things to be put on the table" and gave her a list of condiment and other items that needed to go. "What about glasses and other things, Penelope?" Every time she would come to the kitchen to take something to the table, she'd stay at the table. After the second time of calling her back to the kitchen I said, "When you are setting the table for dinner, you should continue to come back to the kitchen until you have determined by either asking me 'Is there anything else that needs to go out to the table?' or you know it's done." She said "Fine!" After that, I didn't call her back. I just took the food to the table. We all dished out our food onto our plates. Then Papaw said "I don't have a fork or knife. How am I suppose to eat without my fork or knife?" Then 5 minutes later, my mom said "Where are the napkins? No napkins?" Penelope had to get up 3 times to get stuff she "forgot" to put on the table. She hated it.
I'm curious what her therapists will suggest. I don't know if having a friend or friends over for a couple of hours is going to make a difference for her. She is unhappy and I don't know if there is anything that can be done about it then to just allow her to have this unhappy period. I know she fakes being happy at school for her teachers' sake. Plus her Intervention Specialist made a reward system on good behavior where she gets a treat at the end of the day for doing well. So, I'm pretty sure that is why she is so happy when I pick her up - being rewarded. But it's just a cover.
She is trying to not be in Yuckworld, but it is what it is. It's related to the fact that she really doesn't have any friends. I have no idea why. She says it's because she is ugly. This child is NOT ugly. She has a lot of great physical characteristics. She does have an akwardness about her, mostly due to her posture and gait, but what do you do? I don't want to make her self-conscious about it. I think of it as a 12 year old inbetween thing. Also, it' an low self-esteem thing. It's really her low self-esteem that is unattractive. Otherwise, she is a funny, fun loving, beautiful young girl.
But a week ago, one of her oldest, dearest friends "dumped" her for what I still don't understand. Penelope is giving 100% effort in her classrooms according to her and her teachers. I pick her up from school and she tells me how wonderful her day was. But then, within the next few hours, she tells me how miserable she was all day. Well, today I sat her down and tried to get to the bottom of it. It's about her lack of social life. When she would tell me about how wonderful her day was, she would include how she sat alone at lunch and recess. But she was okay with that. I knew better of course. But then later, she would admit how miserable she was because of it.
In her head, she tries to cheer herself up by thinking of friends she has outside of her school - from camp or through family friends. It really doesn't weigh against the kids that she sees every day.
So I did the only thing I can think of which is have her tell me about someone who she is sorta friends with, and have her invite them over during the weekend. So we will see how that goes. I also talked to her about after-school clubs - even though I'm hesistant on that because I don't want it to be too much with her school work. She wants to join Chess Club, and I feel like she deserves to get back into Chess but she admits that it is a club full of boys and she doesn't know how interested she is in having friends that are boys.
But there isn't much more I can do than that. Just have faith that it will happen for her. I think she is still hurting and mourning the loss of her friendship with Mary to be approachable and when she gets back in Happyland, things will get better.
I've also been fighting the signs of her regressing back into Yuckworld. Getting snippy with her, not liking it. But once I conciously acknowledged that is what is going on, I've accepted that there isn't much I can do to get her not to go there, but just to start helping her get back out of it - with patience.
I would say, the signs and symptoms really started on Sunday. She told me she wasn't feeling good (unhappy) and we spent most of the day together doing stuff before we went to my parents for dinner. At dinner, she was very paticular about her food. This is too salty,... she wanted this on the side, not next to it... not enough of this...etc. And everything was in her winey baby voice.
"Fine" is her new word of the moment. Everything is met with either an angry, or sarcastic "Fine!" She is also has been living in fantasy land a bit too - talking about how monsters, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, fairies, etc. are real. Her manners have gone out the window.. constantly interrupting me, belching, being disgusting with food, making lots of noises even when I've asked her to stop several times, "forgetting" not to do this or that.. And her need to exaggerated things or take things to the extreme is also been highly annoying. It's been going on for a few days now, but a perfect example is how today she told me that snoring kills people. I had told her that she snored last night because her allergies were up. I told her that snoring doesn't kill people. She insisted on it. I said "No, snoring can be associated with sleep apnea and sleep apnea can kill people." She said "That's what I said!" No, it's not. My cat has been showing signs of something wrong, including some blood in his stool. We are taking him to the vet, but when I was describing the symptoms, it's "There is blood everywhere!" No there is not.. I get defensive, because I swear, she'd love to have a story to tell people about how sick my cat is or that he is dying. She seems sincere when she says she hopes he isn't dying, like she would devistated too - but he is older so it's one of my great concerns. But when she does that, exaggerates his symptoms, it pisses me off. But she makes these declarations, generalizations - like it's for shock value.
But it's also like she is trying to handle something for me. My brother was over today to do some handyman work for me and I'm trying to tell him what the problems were and she just kept interrupting to tell him her version (the extreme) of what the problems were. I told her that I am the adult and would handle it and she needed to stay quiet and wait until I was done talking. She'd wait all but maybe 2 minutes before she'd start up again.
The last thing she has been doing is what I call "negotiating" and doing things on her terms. Usually these little conversations end in a huff and a "Fine!" But if I tell her to do something, she will say "In a minute" or give me a reason that she isn't going to do it. I then just say "Does that mean you are saying no?" which usually gets a "Ugh! Fine!" But even just tasks - she is back to doing things half-assed. For example, of the few things I have her do around the house at this point, one of them is setting the table for dinner. We had my parents over on Monday. I asked/ reminded her to set the table. She says "But I don't have any plates." Of course she does, they are stored in the kitchen cabinet. But that was her answer. I told her she knows where they are and that dinner would be ready in 5 minutes. She gets the plates out and then sits down at the table. I said, "Penelope, please come here. There are more things to be put on the table" and gave her a list of condiment and other items that needed to go. "What about glasses and other things, Penelope?" Every time she would come to the kitchen to take something to the table, she'd stay at the table. After the second time of calling her back to the kitchen I said, "When you are setting the table for dinner, you should continue to come back to the kitchen until you have determined by either asking me 'Is there anything else that needs to go out to the table?' or you know it's done." She said "Fine!" After that, I didn't call her back. I just took the food to the table. We all dished out our food onto our plates. Then Papaw said "I don't have a fork or knife. How am I suppose to eat without my fork or knife?" Then 5 minutes later, my mom said "Where are the napkins? No napkins?" Penelope had to get up 3 times to get stuff she "forgot" to put on the table. She hated it.
I'm curious what her therapists will suggest. I don't know if having a friend or friends over for a couple of hours is going to make a difference for her. She is unhappy and I don't know if there is anything that can be done about it then to just allow her to have this unhappy period. I know she fakes being happy at school for her teachers' sake. Plus her Intervention Specialist made a reward system on good behavior where she gets a treat at the end of the day for doing well. So, I'm pretty sure that is why she is so happy when I pick her up - being rewarded. But it's just a cover.
Friday, September 4, 2009
School Open House
This past week was Penelope's school's Open House. I was excited to get to meet and get a preliminary feel for them and how I think they will be able to work with Penelope. It's hard to judge because with Penelope doing so well so far, it's hard not to be optimistic about everything. However, I know in the back of my mind that things will not stay this good the entire year. But a person can only hope.
I am so impressed with her teachers and the program they have. In Ohio, her Middle School is ranked #1 with the Dept of Education out of like 750+ schools. I think of what challenges we had last year and I wonder how they got that ranking. But I know it's about testing and all that. Penelope is in the minority of students who have been formally identified as disabled (as they put it.) But this year, her teachers seem awesome. Their is a multi-layered approach to their program. She has 3 teachers, but there 3 additional teachers that "support the curriculum" of those teachers. Regardless if a child has an IEP or not, they assess each students strengths and weaknesses and customize their approach with those students, and a "Reading Lab" or "Math Lab" instructor works with them on their weaknesses. Kids with IEPs get the same approach but may have additional help depending on their accommodations. It's all very coheasive. The Intervention Specialist, besides working with the IEP students, also co-teaches the regular classes and provides additional support to all the students. Her Language Arts Teacher, Mr. Kramer, is a second career teacher and this is his 2nd year. However, during Open House, he talked about the way he disciplines students. It goes right along the line of RAD parenting. He says, "I don't get angry or judge them. But there are consequences. If they forget their reading log, they stay in for recess and do their reading log, etc. Then it's over. No big deal. We move on." I got a chance to talk to him and he said, "If I didn't know she works with the Intervention Specialist, I would never had guessed she had an IEP. She is doing great!" In his classroom, he had hung up letters he had the kids write to him to tell him about themselves. Penelope's was so sweet. She wrote how pink is her favorite color "Pink brings out the best in me." And she wrote about Math "Oh my, math. Oh how I love math." She also wrote about how she sometimes gets sad, but when she is sad she will do stuff to make herself happy again. She will draw when she is said. Then she put "P.S. I draw when I'm happy too. :)" She is so funny. Her Math Teacher is the Intervention Specialist and there are only 10 kids in there. Her Science/SS teacher is the most traditional. But she has been teaching as many years as I've been alive so I can see why she is that way. But even for 6th graders.. I mean, she gave us a Syllabus. I didn't even know what that word was until I was in college!
And hi-tech. Oh my... They have these things called Smart Boards. It's a computer monitor basically that is projected onto a large white screen. Not a monitor or TV but a screen. But instead of using a portable mouse or keyboard, they just touch the screen. Just like you'd use a mouse to click, highlight, drag, etc. It has a keyboard function so they can type right on the screen. They have their own websites, that they post their powerpoint presentation versions of their notes, articles, blogs, pdf versions of homework worksheets - whatever.
And Penelope is doing so good! I wish there was a mountain near by that I could climb and scream off the top off to tell people how good she is doing! She had a SS test today. She started studying for it on Tuesday! She didn't even get the Study Guide until yesterday. She was "writing words down out of the book" as she called it. I said "You are taking notes?" She said "Yeah, that's it!" On the way to therapy yesterday, ON HER OWN, she got her study guide out, which was basically 20 vocab words and made note cards. By the time we got home from therapy she had all the words down pat! I ended up talking to her today right after the test. I asked her how it went. She said "Oh my gosh Mom. It was sooooooooo easy!"
The reason I got to talk to her is that her social issues with Amy and Mary have escalated. Mary "dumped" Penelope for Amy because she was tired of having to deal with them fighting. Just wrong. She was devistated of course, but she is handling it so well! She even had this bratty boy call her a retard today. Penelope got mad but was able to calm herself down pretty quickly. She had met with the School Guidance Counselor and the Intervention Specialist yesterday and today. I spoke with the IS and she said how totally impressed they both are with how far Penelope has come from last year. How well she was able to communicate what happened, how she even thought about it more over the night and was able to give them more insight. How mature she was in developing a problemsolving strategy, and then how she even implemented it with the boy that called her retarded. She tried to resolve it herself first, and then when that didn't work, she asked for help. It was all wonderful to hear, and can only add to my pride for how far she has come. But I still want someone to deal with this issue with Amy and Mary. I still couldn't get a straight answer out of her as to what happened. She kept focusing on Penelope's problemsolving success.. I don't know if it just wasn't the issue or she had kids around and couldn't talk. I will let it slide for now.. She understands what my issues are. But I am proud of Penelope. So proud!
I am so impressed with her teachers and the program they have. In Ohio, her Middle School is ranked #1 with the Dept of Education out of like 750+ schools. I think of what challenges we had last year and I wonder how they got that ranking. But I know it's about testing and all that. Penelope is in the minority of students who have been formally identified as disabled (as they put it.) But this year, her teachers seem awesome. Their is a multi-layered approach to their program. She has 3 teachers, but there 3 additional teachers that "support the curriculum" of those teachers. Regardless if a child has an IEP or not, they assess each students strengths and weaknesses and customize their approach with those students, and a "Reading Lab" or "Math Lab" instructor works with them on their weaknesses. Kids with IEPs get the same approach but may have additional help depending on their accommodations. It's all very coheasive. The Intervention Specialist, besides working with the IEP students, also co-teaches the regular classes and provides additional support to all the students. Her Language Arts Teacher, Mr. Kramer, is a second career teacher and this is his 2nd year. However, during Open House, he talked about the way he disciplines students. It goes right along the line of RAD parenting. He says, "I don't get angry or judge them. But there are consequences. If they forget their reading log, they stay in for recess and do their reading log, etc. Then it's over. No big deal. We move on." I got a chance to talk to him and he said, "If I didn't know she works with the Intervention Specialist, I would never had guessed she had an IEP. She is doing great!" In his classroom, he had hung up letters he had the kids write to him to tell him about themselves. Penelope's was so sweet. She wrote how pink is her favorite color "Pink brings out the best in me." And she wrote about Math "Oh my, math. Oh how I love math." She also wrote about how she sometimes gets sad, but when she is sad she will do stuff to make herself happy again. She will draw when she is said. Then she put "P.S. I draw when I'm happy too. :)" She is so funny. Her Math Teacher is the Intervention Specialist and there are only 10 kids in there. Her Science/SS teacher is the most traditional. But she has been teaching as many years as I've been alive so I can see why she is that way. But even for 6th graders.. I mean, she gave us a Syllabus. I didn't even know what that word was until I was in college!
And hi-tech. Oh my... They have these things called Smart Boards. It's a computer monitor basically that is projected onto a large white screen. Not a monitor or TV but a screen. But instead of using a portable mouse or keyboard, they just touch the screen. Just like you'd use a mouse to click, highlight, drag, etc. It has a keyboard function so they can type right on the screen. They have their own websites, that they post their powerpoint presentation versions of their notes, articles, blogs, pdf versions of homework worksheets - whatever.
And Penelope is doing so good! I wish there was a mountain near by that I could climb and scream off the top off to tell people how good she is doing! She had a SS test today. She started studying for it on Tuesday! She didn't even get the Study Guide until yesterday. She was "writing words down out of the book" as she called it. I said "You are taking notes?" She said "Yeah, that's it!" On the way to therapy yesterday, ON HER OWN, she got her study guide out, which was basically 20 vocab words and made note cards. By the time we got home from therapy she had all the words down pat! I ended up talking to her today right after the test. I asked her how it went. She said "Oh my gosh Mom. It was sooooooooo easy!"
The reason I got to talk to her is that her social issues with Amy and Mary have escalated. Mary "dumped" Penelope for Amy because she was tired of having to deal with them fighting. Just wrong. She was devistated of course, but she is handling it so well! She even had this bratty boy call her a retard today. Penelope got mad but was able to calm herself down pretty quickly. She had met with the School Guidance Counselor and the Intervention Specialist yesterday and today. I spoke with the IS and she said how totally impressed they both are with how far Penelope has come from last year. How well she was able to communicate what happened, how she even thought about it more over the night and was able to give them more insight. How mature she was in developing a problemsolving strategy, and then how she even implemented it with the boy that called her retarded. She tried to resolve it herself first, and then when that didn't work, she asked for help. It was all wonderful to hear, and can only add to my pride for how far she has come. But I still want someone to deal with this issue with Amy and Mary. I still couldn't get a straight answer out of her as to what happened. She kept focusing on Penelope's problemsolving success.. I don't know if it just wasn't the issue or she had kids around and couldn't talk. I will let it slide for now.. She understands what my issues are. But I am proud of Penelope. So proud!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Penelope is starting the week out strong
It's amazing how different this school year has been so far compared to where she was at last year. It feels like this is how it will be... from now on. When she is like this, it feels like forever since she was not functioning as well, being defiant, lying, manipulating etc. But, something happens that brings up back to reality. For now, I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts.
She has been on time every day so far this school year. She does her homework with practically no prompting. She has decided she wants to go the Homework Room that her school offers to kids after school for a quiet place to do homework. It's not tutoring so she has to be self-motivated in order for it to be a benefit. This wasn't an option last year. This is her second day going to Homework Room. She did call me today because "I have a Social Studies test on Friday and I don't know what to study? What should I do?" I reminded her of the conversation we had about going to the Homework Room, "If you are working on something and decide you don't know what to do or have too many questions to continue, just put it aside and do something else, like your reading. If all else fails, just spend the time reading" since she has to read every night for homework. But I also said that if someone is there that is in her class, she could ask them. She agreed. She ended up being 20 minutes late because she ended up working with her teacher who was printing off a study guide for her that she didn't get a chance to print today because of printer problems. She is learning how to become resourceful! On her own even. None of this perceived/learned helplessness crap she pulled last year.
She did have a little bit of an issue yesterday with this girl. I don't think I've given some of her classmates pseudo names so I'm going to call her friend, Mary and the bully Abby. Mary used to be Penelope's "BFF" two years ago. Last year, Mary became friends with Abby when Penelope missed 5 weeks of school when she was in the hospital and her intensive therapy program. Obviously not on purpose, Penelope did leave Mary alone at school for that time. She found Abby. Abby is a very strong minded loud spoken girl, and a bit older than she should be. Mary is on the shy side and petite. Abby decided that Penelope is not allowed to be Mary's friend. It created a lot of issues last year, and Abby has decided to continue this approach with Penelope. However, towards the end of the school year last year, Mary started sticking up for herself and Penelope - but is still scared to cross that line with Abby. But they have gotten into fights about it.
The other backstory piece to share is that at the beginning of the year, I told Penelope that I think she is getting strong enough that maybe this year she can start walking to school. Something a lot of the other kids have been doing for over a year now. Our community is small enough the majority of the kids either walk or get dropped off. She wants to walk. I told her that I need to see one good month of good attitude and effort with school in order to get to walk to school. Well, she is doing a great job so far, but she has called me 3 times already from school this year wanting to walk to so and so's or stay after with so and so. Well, yesterday was one of those times. Penelope wanted to walk over to the library with Mary. It's just down the street, but a deal is a deal. I didn't return her message. I've also told her not to call me to ask those kinds of questions because - a deal is a deal. Anyway, I forgot that we had discussed her being allowed to go to Homework Room - plus we didn't discuss it that morning. So I go to pick he up at the normal time and she isn't there. I immediately think, "She went ahead and went to the library. The temptation was too much." She has a tendency to leave these very desperate pleading type of voice mails. So I call her friend Mary to see if she is with her. Mary answers and says that she is not, that she went to Homework Room. I said "Oh, okay because she said something about wanting to go to the library so I wasn't sure. Thank you!" I was releaved. She made the right decision!
About a minute later, my phone rings and isn't Mary's number. Wierd. I answer. The person says "Is this Penelope's Mom?" "Yes it is... Is this Mary?" She says, "No, it's one of Mary's friends...Is Penelope there?? I have NO idea where she is!!!" I said "No she is not....Do you want me to have her call you when I see her?" She said "Oh.... sure" and starts to hang up. I said "Wait, I need to know who this is so I can tell her to call you." She says.. "Oh... yeah.. It's um.. Abby." I said "Okay Abby. Bye." The little shit was trying to get Penelope in trouble! I wanted to call her mother. I'm so tired of this little shit hurting or trying to hurt Penelope. I've been trying to let Penelope and Mary sort this out themselves. Ugh.
I told Penelope about it after I picked her up but I told her that she didn't have to worry, she wasn't in trouble. I commended her for making the responsible decision. She did the right thing! But this little Abby chick needs her attitude adjusted. Well, Penelope told me that she confronted Abby and told her that she shouldn't have tried to get her in trouble and that "My mom isn't stupid and saw what you were doing" and that I was going to call her mother. She said Abby doesn't want me to call her mom. Mary told Penelope that Abby took the phone from her, that she wasn't a part of it. Good for Penelope! Hopefully that is what happened. Penelope's anger is a hard thing for her to control but she knows the right thing to do and wants to do it. But from what she said, Mary is very upset with Abby for being so mean. Good!
On one hand, I have sympathy for Abby - kids like this can't be happy. But on the other hand, they need to be put in their place.
She has been on time every day so far this school year. She does her homework with practically no prompting. She has decided she wants to go the Homework Room that her school offers to kids after school for a quiet place to do homework. It's not tutoring so she has to be self-motivated in order for it to be a benefit. This wasn't an option last year. This is her second day going to Homework Room. She did call me today because "I have a Social Studies test on Friday and I don't know what to study? What should I do?" I reminded her of the conversation we had about going to the Homework Room, "If you are working on something and decide you don't know what to do or have too many questions to continue, just put it aside and do something else, like your reading. If all else fails, just spend the time reading" since she has to read every night for homework. But I also said that if someone is there that is in her class, she could ask them. She agreed. She ended up being 20 minutes late because she ended up working with her teacher who was printing off a study guide for her that she didn't get a chance to print today because of printer problems. She is learning how to become resourceful! On her own even. None of this perceived/learned helplessness crap she pulled last year.
She did have a little bit of an issue yesterday with this girl. I don't think I've given some of her classmates pseudo names so I'm going to call her friend, Mary and the bully Abby. Mary used to be Penelope's "BFF" two years ago. Last year, Mary became friends with Abby when Penelope missed 5 weeks of school when she was in the hospital and her intensive therapy program. Obviously not on purpose, Penelope did leave Mary alone at school for that time. She found Abby. Abby is a very strong minded loud spoken girl, and a bit older than she should be. Mary is on the shy side and petite. Abby decided that Penelope is not allowed to be Mary's friend. It created a lot of issues last year, and Abby has decided to continue this approach with Penelope. However, towards the end of the school year last year, Mary started sticking up for herself and Penelope - but is still scared to cross that line with Abby. But they have gotten into fights about it.
The other backstory piece to share is that at the beginning of the year, I told Penelope that I think she is getting strong enough that maybe this year she can start walking to school. Something a lot of the other kids have been doing for over a year now. Our community is small enough the majority of the kids either walk or get dropped off. She wants to walk. I told her that I need to see one good month of good attitude and effort with school in order to get to walk to school. Well, she is doing a great job so far, but she has called me 3 times already from school this year wanting to walk to so and so's or stay after with so and so. Well, yesterday was one of those times. Penelope wanted to walk over to the library with Mary. It's just down the street, but a deal is a deal. I didn't return her message. I've also told her not to call me to ask those kinds of questions because - a deal is a deal. Anyway, I forgot that we had discussed her being allowed to go to Homework Room - plus we didn't discuss it that morning. So I go to pick he up at the normal time and she isn't there. I immediately think, "She went ahead and went to the library. The temptation was too much." She has a tendency to leave these very desperate pleading type of voice mails. So I call her friend Mary to see if she is with her. Mary answers and says that she is not, that she went to Homework Room. I said "Oh, okay because she said something about wanting to go to the library so I wasn't sure. Thank you!" I was releaved. She made the right decision!
About a minute later, my phone rings and isn't Mary's number. Wierd. I answer. The person says "Is this Penelope's Mom?" "Yes it is... Is this Mary?" She says, "No, it's one of Mary's friends...Is Penelope there?? I have NO idea where she is!!!" I said "No she is not....Do you want me to have her call you when I see her?" She said "Oh.... sure" and starts to hang up. I said "Wait, I need to know who this is so I can tell her to call you." She says.. "Oh... yeah.. It's um.. Abby." I said "Okay Abby. Bye." The little shit was trying to get Penelope in trouble! I wanted to call her mother. I'm so tired of this little shit hurting or trying to hurt Penelope. I've been trying to let Penelope and Mary sort this out themselves. Ugh.
I told Penelope about it after I picked her up but I told her that she didn't have to worry, she wasn't in trouble. I commended her for making the responsible decision. She did the right thing! But this little Abby chick needs her attitude adjusted. Well, Penelope told me that she confronted Abby and told her that she shouldn't have tried to get her in trouble and that "My mom isn't stupid and saw what you were doing" and that I was going to call her mother. She said Abby doesn't want me to call her mom. Mary told Penelope that Abby took the phone from her, that she wasn't a part of it. Good for Penelope! Hopefully that is what happened. Penelope's anger is a hard thing for her to control but she knows the right thing to do and wants to do it. But from what she said, Mary is very upset with Abby for being so mean. Good!
On one hand, I have sympathy for Abby - kids like this can't be happy. But on the other hand, they need to be put in their place.
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