Flashbacks

School has been close to impossible for Penelope this week. Work has been close to impossible for me this week. Penelope made it through school on Monday and Lisa went and visited her at the very end as she promised Penelope she'd go during the last bell. Penelope pointed out to me when she got home how Lisa was late, but at the same time we talked about how satisfying it is that she made it through. The report that I got from school was that she was present but struggled to particapate and be on task. I felt that was understandable.
But as the week progressed, Penelope deteriorated.

Tuesday she made it through and did get pulled out for Trauma therapy in the morning. This was a long day at work for me so I didn't get home until late evening. My mom had her and Penelope had told me that morning she wanted her hair cut. I told her that she had to have eaten dinner, pills taken by 7:00, have her homework and reading done, and showered by the time I get home at 8pm because we will only have about an hour before bed. Penelope claimed she had no homework, she did some of her reading (which she only has to do 30 minutes a night of), and they ate at a local diner Penelope likes for dinner. No meds in her. My mom had taken her with her to show a house. (Which explains why that list of items couldn't be accomplished in 5 hours) She said that Penelope embarassed her in front of her client because she kept wanting to go off in the house they were looking at - go upstairs where the bedrooms were. Penelope has been somewhat of a thief lately so that's not a good thing. Then she wanted to go to the car and get something. It ended up being a tape measure. Penelope was measuring the house, the width of the bushes outside, the steps. Play-pretending she is a realtor and making notes on the details of the house. I can see her do that, especially right now. Well, then don't schedule something on Tuesdays after 3pm! I had made Penelope get in the shower before my mother explained what happened. When Penelope was done I scooted my mom out the door. Somewhere along the line Penelope had "found" a pink razor. It's not mine so... maybe that showing house? She announced that she saved her private parts. She went into great detail and wanted to show it to me. What the heck!? I just told her that she knows better than to shave and not to do it again unless consulting me first. Now it's going to grow back itchy. (And it has). I honestly don't even think she is that mature yet but she insists it was necessary. I don't even know what to think about it. That's all I'm going to say on the subject because I just don't know... Flipping back to the issue of her having in her possession a razor, it has since been discarded and the rest of her body has been checked for any cutting like lines. Ugh. So, her pills kicked in during the haircutting session and bedtime went smoothly.
Wednesday I ended up being sick all day, really started Tuesday at work and by Wednesday I was full blown cold with a fever. She didn't know that I stayed home but knew my sinuses were running. I got a call at the end of the school day right before Girls on the Run. She said with the worst overacting of a stuffy nose imaginable, "Mommy, I'm sick. I have a cold. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have a fever. Please have Papaw come get me." I asked her if she had gone to the nurse, she hesitated and said "No." I knew she was struggling and using this as an excuse. But I am not pushing it with her. She would have just tried it on the teachers running the GOTR program and she still wouldn't have participated. So I went and got her. After I picked her up she seemed fine, telling me about her day. She had also told me she found a dollar. She wanted to give it to me. She has picked up that I'm not making any money worth speaking off at work. Not her problem though. I needed to stress that. I'm not even going to acknowledge she did it for me, because it's wrong and there will be no rewarding the behavior. I asked her why she didn't turn it in. She said "It's just a dollar? I was planning on giving it to you." I said "It's not mine to keep." She should have turned it in. I posed the scenerio of it being her lost dollar and how she would feel? She didn't like that idea. I told her she needed to turn it in. She said "When would I do that?" I said "Tomorrow at school." She said "But I'm sick!" I said "You will be fine by tomorrow, I know it." She just pouted a little but accepted it. I let her veg once we got home. I know she needs it. I ordered pizza for dinner for us and we just R&Red it. But I did try to get her to do her regular reading but there was no having it. She went into tantrumy type mode with her facial expression, words, and body language. I told it was up to her, it's her responsibility. It doesn't work like it used to but I just don't think she can do it right now. Penelope started telling me how she has a lot she is dealing with and she starts to cry. She is sitting as far away from me as possible in the room. She says "I have a secret and I JUST CAN'T TELL!" I had her sit across from me so I could hold her hands and look me in the eye when I told her "Don't carry all this stress and worry on your own. Let me help youcarry it Penelope. I can handle it. Tell me what's going on." She told me she has been having, based on what she described, flashbacks. She described 3 of them to me. First, she remembers when she was born and Harriet holding her and then George, which made him cry. She said she told Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Brown gave her a look like she didn't believe her. I told her that I think it's possible. But another one is from the very first time her step-mother beat her when she was 9 years old. The last one was another time where her step-mother squeezed her wrist in the movie theater until she was afraid her wrist was going to break and when she moan in pain the step-mother covered up what happened by telling her dad that she must have hurt her wrist at school and acted like she was upset by her pain. Since she was hiding her abuse of Penelope from George. She had never told me about that incident before. I just gave her a long hug and she just sobbed. I told her she doesn't have to be scared anymore because she can't hurt her anymore.

Thursday she went to school with very little fight. I layed out for her (she is too out of sorts to pick her clothes in the morning and she'd never get to bed if I had her do it in the evening) a cute outfit to give her some confidence. She likes her boots with her jean skirt and to dress it down I layed out a t-shirt. She liked it and felt good about going to school. My dad picked her up from school and took her to therapy. I told him about how she has been doing at school and how she is at home. He took her to the park for a picnic afterwards and to a minature golf place. Somewhere along the way, he said they'd stop for ice cream. But the time ran long and she had to do her reading when she got home. She was so mad at her Papaw from not getting ice cream. She pouted the moment she walked in the door. I tried to remind her how Papaw did all these wonderful things with her and it doesn't make sense that she is mad at him. It was all about what he DIDN'T do. I said "How do you think that makes Papaw feel? Maybe like he wished he didn't do all those nice things if it is ending up with you all mad at him." She then started to cry saying "Don't regret doing those things?!" and ran off. Like the thought of him wishing he didn't do those things hurt her feelings. It's too much for her and her brain is so disconnected.

Mrs. Brown had been trying to contact me on Thursday and she wasn't available when I'd try to return her calls. Finally around 9:30 she reaches me. She is very concerned about Penelope. She has a really off day, not functioning. Any participation she did she was off context. In Language Arts, they are reading a book in class and the teacher asked her to read two paragraphs - but she couldn't. She ended up going to the Principal's office because Mrs. Brown and the other teacher Penelope goes to were in a meeting. She wanted to talk to the Principal about how sad she is. She had drawn a picture of herself and had written "SAD" over it. She didn't want to interrupt the meeting her teachers were in. Mrs. Brown was called out of the meeting and asked another teacher to sit with Penelope after determining she needed some time to collect herself. Penelope began to write down how she felt but only got out "I feel.." the teacher scribed the rest of it. It had phrases like "I don't belong here, not just here but on this planet." and "Is there any place that is safe? Am I safe at home, or with other people? Am I safe here (school)?" She is not doing well. Mrs. Brown said that at this point, Penelope isn't gaining anything from being at school. I told her I would call her doctor and therapists in the morning and give her a call.

Friday I was home sick anyway with an upper respitory infection. Would I be getting any sleep anyway? I am at this point so worried about Penelope. I had to call Lisa anyway as she needed some contact info on Papaw. I told her what Mrs. Brown said and our fear that Penelope is going to end up back in the hospital. How she isn't functioning and she is having these flashbacks. Lisa said she was planning on visiting Penelope at school anyway but this time she won't pull her out and talk to her, she will just observe her so she can see for herself. She said that what Penelope needs is for her teacher to help her calm down when she is done with a flashback to let her know it was not actually happening and that she is safe. That she'd hope that her teachers were observant enough and cared enough to do that. I think that they are. She also told me that Penelope told her that I didn't want anything for Mothers' Day, that she isn't allowed to do anything special for me - and she felt that wasn't a good idea. But I'll talk about that later actually.. because I've had a few days to think about it and I'm kinda pissed.. Anyway, I emailed Mrs. Brown what Lisa said as a way to help Penelope. I had also put in a call to her Psychiatrist to set an appointment to talk about Penelope. But honestly, all he'd end up doing is upping her meds. That's what he has done in the past. He sometimes has changed her meds but I just don't think that's the issue. If she ends up in the hospital, then it will happen then. Then I thought, "What if we can get this whole thing plea bargained out, then Penelope won't have to go to these classes." So I called my brother, knowing that the prosecutor won't even begin negotiating without input from the victim's family per the judges recommendation. He is with his family and in-laws on the way to Florida via SUV to go on a cruise. I asked him if he had heard from the prosecutor yet. He said he hadn't. Disappointed but determined, I said I was going to try to see if they could go ahead and call him while he was still in phone reach before he got on his week long cruise. I started blubbering about how Penelope is just not doing well and for both of us to survive we need to move forward with this. He said that it was too late to try to talk to the prosecutor for the fact he is in his car traveling. He isn't going to talk about it with his kids in the car. I didn't think of that. So we have to wait until next week anyway. UGH! He said he'd call me that night when they got to their hotel. I told him to not worry about it and enjoy his vacation. I'm not thinking clearly.
I wasn't sure calling her ATs would help me since they haven't really come up with any suggestions already other than just to tell her to work harder. The lead therapist has been out the last two week again which can be so aggravating. I know she is taking care of helping her 90 some year old mother settle into a nursing home which is a lot to deal with - but we need help here and it's really hard to find it when we need it. But I broke down and called anyway - ended up calling the cell of the other therapist. She called me back about two hours later. Oh my gosh was she helpful. She confirmed seeing the concerning behavior that Penelope's teachers and I have both seen before I even had to say anything. She was concerned too about Penelope's state and where it could head. She had talked to the lead therapist and they recommend that Penelope stay in school if she can but see if the school will put Penelope in a seperate room with art supplies and puzzles and non-academic activities that are minimal stress. We are just trying to help her through this - nothing permanent. I don't know if they will or not but it's worth asking. She said all of this is related to this classes Penelope has to take. It wouldn't be a big deal but without being able to have her Papaw or myself with her to go through the series of locked doors at the same building the jail is at, AND the added stress of being in a room full of strangers without anyone to support her - they just don't know how she will make it through. It could go really bad. They are willing to write a letter to that effect for whomever. I thought that maybe that could be useful in asking the judge to let us put these classes on hold until Penelope was mentally stable enough to participate. So I called both the public defender and the probation officer and left desperate voice mail messages. That was Friday. Today is Wednesday night. I still haven't heard from either one of them.

2nd Court Date

Before I go into what happened at court, I want to say a little something about the weekend. So, Friday was the Competency Evaluation. Penelope was a mess afterward so instead of taking her to school, which we pretty much knew beforehand she wouldn't be able to go, my dad took her to his house. I have to work on Saturdays so the plan was for Penelope to stay the night. I was worried about her not being with me to help her calm down but she was okay with it and so were my parents. Good, maybe I can get some sleep. Didn't happen. I had a dream that I was picking Penelope up from Daycare (as if this was the daily thing and it was normal for a older child to be in Daycare) and the worker that waiting for me while someone went to get her was going over her day with me and part of the assessment was to say "She is pretty stupid." I handled it the way that I handle most things like this in real life.. I post it on the bulletin board in my head and let her continue to see if she says anything else that I was going to use to bury her with. I do this in business too, but in business I don't yell, I state the facts. When it comes to Penelope.. that lid doesn't seal real tight and the facts come across at a higher volume. Obviously in my dream, I defended Penelope's intellligence and got the worker fired. It wasn't a satisfying dream though. I didn't wake up feeling like I accomplished anything other than the tiredness of a 1,000 restless tosses in my bed.

The other thing that happened on Friday is that my mom emailed me. I didn't know what it was nor was I really interested in what she wanted to say. I was still pretty upset with her. Eventually, I did open the email and it was links to two listing of condos in our area. I looked at them but then responded to her with a lot of "How?"s. She called me within 60 seconds and told me all she had been doing. She had these different conversations and she is trying to find an investor to buy my house that I would just rent it from with an option to buy down the road. But if nothing else, I could get one of these condos. They are half as expensive as my house, but my credit has to be shot. She talked about a "land contract" where you basically lease to buy from the owner. I told her I only liked one, because the location of the other one was too close to kids that are not healthy for her. She wanted to go see it on Saturday. Bring Penelope. I told her that Penelope can't know anything about it. She doesn't know anything about the house situation. She is under too much stress about everything else. NO. We will go Saturday when Papaw can watch Penelope. She just said "Maybe." I told her I'd think about it. Figure out if there was a way.

Saturday, my mom called me about wanting to set up a showing on the condo. I told her that I don't think Penelope should go. She is a smart cookie and would figure it out. She argued with me so I gave her permission to show Penelope pictures of the condo "for a new client that wants to move into your area." See what she says, then if she is okay with it, we can tag along with you when you do a preview. Approach it like that. But she can't know we are looking at it for us. So what does she do? She says "Hey Penelope. Don't you think this condo would be nice for you and your mom?" DUDE! My mom admitted that to me. It didn't come from Penelope. Of course Penelope started to get scared and went into babymode saying "I don't want to move. I like where I am. I don't want to move." My mom went on about how my house needs too much work and too much for her and I to take care of etc. Then Penelope got stern with my mom and said "I am staying at my house. I am not moving. I have moved way too much and I'm not moving!" Great mom. I got huffy with my mom which pissed her off since she was doing all this for me. I told her that we will never be able to take Penelope to look at anything now because she will always be suspicious. Now she is going to worry about that too.

I went to go get Penelope from my parents after work. I was still fuming about what my mom did, I'd prefer to have just honked the horn and have Penelope sent out. But when I went in to get her, she really wanted to stick around and hang out there. It was around 2pm, she was still in her pajamas. I made her get dressed. She was definitely in R&R mode. My dad was out golfing and my mom was working in her office on her computer. So I hung out with Penelope and we watched a movie. I was dead tired. I told her we had to leave because I was tired. My mom agreed to break away from her computer to hang out with Penelope so I could take a nap. I was a little rested after the nap. I napped on my parents bed. :) I use to LOVE getting to lay on their bed when I was a kid. I slept on my dad's pillow and his scent made me immediately start to cry. Feeling all the tension try to melt away. Why? I'm not sure.. Sometimes I wish I could start over my life. I miss that sense of false security /invincible-ness we have when we are growing up. Like we could do anything. I want my dad to protect me from all this. He is doing all that he can and I'll never be able to express my full and total gratitude for all that he has done to help Penelope and I. I was remembering that feeling of security. That warm feeling helped me fall asleep and get some rest. I woke up and we had dinner and shortly later left.

Sunday, we didn't go to church but did some chores before my dad came over so my mom and I could go look at this condo. It had some nice features. Central air and a washer/dryer hookup in the unit wasn't one of them. The kitchen needed to be completely replaced but the bathrooms and other rooms were nice and big with hardwood floors. The location was perfect. I was ready to take it despite it meant I finally was giving up on trying to save my house. Other than I can't afford it, without even knowing if the owners would except a land contract.

I had to totally lie to Penelope about where we were. I am a horrible liar and my dad just cleared his through and left with my mom. Penelope and I had to get ready to go meet an old friend of mine from my late teen and most of my 20s days. We were going to meet her two daughters. I had met them when they were little kids but now they are just a tad younger than Penelope. We were painting pottery. Penelope was all over the place there. She painted two items in the time it took the rest of us to start on one piece. But her pieces were very sloppy and truely unfinished. She just doesn't have the focus. I saw my friend's one daughter just look at her like "what's wrong with you?" and then she'd look at me and I'd just do an indifferent shrug to say "To each their own. No biggie." The girls had decided at the beginning that we should come over to see their dogs - as we were talking about how great our pets our. And that was the plan, but one of my friend's daughters had started to feel bad from being at the zoo with aunt all day prior to this. So we changed it to another day. Penelope couldn't let go of this. She admitted on the way home, that she was made at me because we weren't going to my friend's house. I said "Would you have preferred that I said 'I know that you don't want us to come tonight, but we are coming anyway.'" Penelope said reluctantly "No.... but I'm still mad. She would have been fine. We could have gone anyway..." It wasn't up for discussion.

I couldn't find the keys to our safe box. It wasn't where I had put them. Our safe box is the box on top of the refrigerator where I house the knives, matches and other weapon type stuff. Earlier in the day, Penelope went to get a glass out of the cabinet and said "Are these yours?" like she just found them there. I hadn't put them there. They were in a hiding place outside of Penelope's reach. Great... I questioned her and she said she didn't put them there. I said that I'd have to ask Papaw and Grandma. Papaw said it wasn't him. I told her that. I said that the last person is Grandma. She said "What if Grandma lies to you?" Is that an admition of guilt? I asked her "What reason would Grandma have to lie about moving the keys?" She said "Because Grandma would have gotten into the box." I said "Grandma is allowed in the box. You are the only one who isn't allowed in the box." She said "Oh..." I gave her another opportunity to let me know if she knew where they were but she didn't. I told her it isn't about breaking a rule as it is more about making unsafe decisions and what I have to do in order to make it safe again. . I was hoping they'd show up but they haven't. So now the box is locked in the car. However, I need things out of the box. Like a flathead screwdriver to put my plates on my car as the temporary plates have expired. I will find those darn keys this weekend or figure out how to break the lock and invest in a new box. But I'm concerned. What is going on in this girls head?

So the court date was Monday morning. We got there early so they decided to let us go first. We didn't have to wait long. Penelope's PO was there was well. They received the Evaluation results and it said Marginal when it came to being Competent. I learned once we went into the court room and listened to everyone talk and the decision the magistrate made, that it meant that she is considered not competent at this time but there is probably cause to believe that after she takes restoration classes, she will become competent. The psychologist found Penelope to have moderately low intelligence and that once she takes the classes to learn about how the court system works, she will be able to aid in her defense. Right...
I wasn't happy but .. the public defender and the PO that it was a success. The class is with other kids taught by a Probation Officer on Saturdays down at "2020" where the evaluation was. Like that isn't hard enough for her, she has to go by herself. My dad or I are not allowed to go past the lobby. You try to make it like it's no big deal but for Penelope, it's huge. Before she can come down from one adjustment, there is another one she has to deal with. On the way home I asked her if she understood what was going to happen. She said "I will have to go to a new school.." We could see how she got that from the way the judge tried to explain it to her. Immediately my dad and I said "Ohhhh no wonder you are freaking out. That is not what is happening. You are still going to be going to your school. This is a class on the weekend that has nothing to do with your school." She defensively said "I know that. You didn't let me finish." She does that when she doesn't want to look stupid. That's not how she said it though. But I just said "Oh, okay." She went to school for the rest of the day. She seemed calm enough to go. But not necessarily where things stayed.

Competincy Evaluation

Penelope's evaluation was this past Friday, scheduled by her new Probation Officer. I wasn't planning on going. I found out from the "PO" that I did not have to be there, just someone who knows her social history. But, after I told my Dad the good news - that he could take her, he asked me to write down her social history. If you haven't figured out by now, I'm very detailed. I'm always afraid to miss something or not paint the verbal picture that accurately portrays a situation. To try to save time, I copied and pasted stuff from this blog. But then it was heading to be 18 or 19 pages long by midnight Thursday night. So I figured I would cut it down in the morning. My brain was fried between working late, my house situation, and all this court stuff. It didn't help that Penelope struggled going to bed that night so I couldn't even really start it until 10:30. I finally get to sleep around 1:30 myself, and then Penelope was up and down, which caused me to be up and down all night. She was struggling. I was too tired to get up early to finish the social history and with how Penelope was doing, I felt like I needed to go to the Evaluation too. This is her chance to show the court that she is not mentally healthy to go through this. I was more concerned about how this whole court process would affect her but as I've learned, the purpose of establishing competincy has to do with her due process rights - being able to understand the court proceedings and aid her in her defense. I don't think it would be difficult for her to learn about the court proceedings, but she is too much of a mess to help her defense.



My dad met us at our house and because we had about 2 hours to kill, we went to breakfast at Frisch's. Penelope was bouncing off the walls - singing, getting up and down, going to the bathroom, being very informal with the waitress and trying to be her new BFF, just acting like a basket case. What a mess. I was so stressed I was miserable. So was my Dad. It was hard to watch her like this. Manic almost.



We got to "20 20" and Penelope was pretty scared. She insisted Papaw hold her hand walking in. A nice woman was the receptionist and she gave us a gold coin to lock up all of our belongings in a cube locker before we were allowed to enter through the metal detector to go back to where the evaluation was to happen. Penelope told the receptionist that her Papaw is a retired police officer and he used to be in the Army. I didn't really understand why she was telling her that, until she told every person we had to speak to while we were there. Goodness! Someone wants everyone to know that she should be treated special or not messed with or her Papaw would take care of them. Of course Papaw just rolled his eyes.



Penelope and I were called in by the Psychologist to his office/meeting room. We sat at a big conference table with her and I on one side and him on the other. He first asked her basic questions about Penelope's family, where did she go to school and what type of classes does she take, her treatment, meds and things like that. Then he started asking questions to Penelope about court and has she seen court shows. He asked questions about what she thought certain court terms meant or what the person's role was in court - such as who decides if your guilty or not, who is on the other side, what does guilt and not guilty mean, what is her role in this. She did okay with those answers even though she spent the entire time twirling in her seat and using such a baby voice or mumbling it was hard to understand her. Then he asked "Do you know what a plea bargain is?" And Penelope just looked at him .. then said "A flea market?" Um, no... a Plea Bargain. He then asked her how she thought she should plead. She said "Guilty." He asked her what she thought would happen if she was found guilty by the judge. She said she'd not get to live with her family, be taken away and put in a foster home. That's not going to happen but he just went on "What else could happen?" She said "Go to jail" and he nodded like "yep" and he said "Which would happen first?" She said "Jail, then put in foster home." He said "What else?" "I'll never get a job." He asked "Anything else?" And she couldn't think of anything else. Then she yelled "I just wanted to know what it would feel like, okay?!" And spun her chair so her back was to him with her arms crossed. She talked to him with her back to him for a couple of minutes before I intervened. I made a point not to intervene or correct her. You are evaluating her, here she is in all it's glory. It was really hard to watch. I just wanted to break into tears. A couple of times I had to look away towards this whiteboard on the wall. I acted like I was reading it. I caught the doctor looking at my expression, which had to be tragic looking. I am very easy to read. The worst was after her thought process went into that dark place of "What will happen to me" and she announced she didn't want to be there, that the place was scarey and she wanted to leave. She was polite about it but still. Throughout the questioning he was taking notes on a form that must have listed the questions. Next to that paper was another form that had a list of things and next to them it said "Yes No Marginal" and the only thing he circled was "Marginal" on some of the lines. At the end, the doctor asked me if I thought Penelope could stand trial. I couldn't speak but just shook my head no. "NO.. PLEASE!" is what I was thinking. He then just said "Me neither.... very immature."


That's a good thing but I didn't know exactly what this meant. Now what? Will she have to attend classes so she can become competent? He said "very immature" so that's not an intelligence issue. I told him how she is in regular classes with behavior accommodations. She typically gets As & Bs but not right now. So is this it? Can't worry about that until Monday, when the Competincy Hearing is I guess.





I feel like I need to document what else is going on at this time. I will start with before the PO showed up at our house on Wednesday. My dad likes to check my mail and there was a card that said my mortgage bank had an appraisal done and the foreclosure auction will be held late next month. I knew it was coming but now we have a date. This really put me in anxiety mode. I had recently corresponded with my assigned account manager a few times but when I told her I was commission based at my new job and I wanted to know what options are out there, I haven't been able to get her to respond or call me back. My mom had said she would take care of finding out for me since I have so much on my plate. After the meeting with Penelope's PO, my mom was here to take Penelope to her house for the evening. She wanted to talk about my foreclosure. I asked her if she had called and after some called out evasive answers, she admitted she hadn't. I just determined that I should have known better and need to own my own problems. She wanted to talk about what to do but I needed to get back.I told her to call me but not with Penelope around. She called me while I was still pulling out of the driveway. Really? Seriously? I ended the call quickly.
I went back to work before I left for my evening appointment. I made the appointment with a friend of my Dad's that I've known since I was a little kid. If anything it would be practice, but he's a caring guy and maybe I could get a sympathy sale out of him for being a newbie sales person. I had found out on the way over that my mother was suppose to watch their 3 year old grandson that they have guardianship of. They asked my parents to watch him so they could spend the appointment with devoted attention to me. How nice, right? My mom said she wanted to take him and Penelope to a nearby playground. I liked that idea though I was feeling a little nervous having Penelope near a toddler. But there shouldn't be any concern being completely monitored in a public place. When I got to the house, my mom's car was in the house. I figured she was just running behind getting the grandson. Nope. She decided they were going to play in the yard and walk around the neighborhood. they kept coming in and then the boy fell and scraped his knee a little bit wanting his grandpa. When he finally felt better, Penelope wanted him to go play out in the back yard. But my mom was tired and wanted to just sit with us inside. You know, leave Penelope alone with a little boy. Obviously my dad's friends didn't know about Penelope's charges. I kept trying to descreetly get my mom's attention, ready to just end it all and get Penelope and leave. But, with a roll of the eyes, she went outside with the kids. By this time, it had been like 2 hours and I hadn't gotten into the sales pitch yet. My mom came in with the kids and that was it for me. So I ended the presentation and after listening to my dad's friend's wife give me constructive critisism about what I did during it. I probably looked half pissed half devistated during her comments. Mainly because I wasn't given the opportunity to do some of the things she said because I had to end it. But also because here I am sitting in another appointment that I wan't going to sell and I needed the sale. It just sucked. I kept thinking "this sucks!" After we we're done, it was late and we still needed to get home for bedtime. Penelope then asks loudly "I'm hungry! Can we now have dinner?" It's going on 9pm on a school night and home is 45 minutes away. Is she serious? She hasn't had dinner which meant she hadn't had her pills. I was pissed! My mom says, we were going to grill out for dinner. Too late now mom! I told her we had to go home. I was so mad. I called my dad and just told him that she never left and Penelope hadn't been fed or medicated. "I'm done!" it's just too much. I started to cry in front of Penelope which I try never to do. I couldn't stop and she got upset too. She can't deal with her problems, and she wants to take on mine. I got it together but Penelope was already alarmed. Great.

Thursday morning my mom called me at work and told me she called the number on the card that shows the auction date and learned that I wouldn't have to be out of my house for close to 3 months after that date. The person also said that since my loan is an FHA loan they weren't surprised my bank won't work with me. Something to do with insurance on an FHA covering interest or something. I appreciate her making this call. Honestly, it hadn't accurred to me to call. But I could tell it was my mom's way of apologising. I know she doesn't do any of this stuff to be mean. But why can't she just help me? Can she take a day off of being a realtor and be my mom? Last week she asked me what I wanted and I told her to save my house. She recommended that she go ahead and put interior pics on the listing page and told me to scrub the wall in my basement. I had to ask her how those things will help me save my house. She wasn't listening to me, just being a realtor trying to sell my house. I need her to be my mom. After she told me what she found out, she started repeating it, fishing for praise or some kind of acknowledgement. I couldn't give it to her. Still mad. She couldn't just apologize. It's not something she will do. She just said, "you know I love you." "Yes mom.." It's just why does she have to make things harder than they already are? I'm trying to make this job work.

Probation Officer

Tuesday morning I received a call from a woman from the Probate Division. The day prior, after our request for a Competincy Evaluation and Hearing was set, Penelope and I had to meet with a woman in an office off the waiting room we were sitting in for court. When I was finished giving her all the information she requested, which was alot, the woman said that someone would be calling in the next 5 days to set up the evaluation date and time. Well, that was this woman who was calling me this morning.
But she wanted to set up a time to interview Penelope and I. She didn't want to interfere with Penelope's school schedule or after school commitments so that day was the only day we could make the appointment this week. She wanted to do a "home visit" she called it. Same term CPS used. Okay.. My house needed to be picked up but I'd have to figure out how to do that, in addition to taking off work to be there right after school and Penelope gets home. Tuesdays I typically work until 8:00. I called my dad and he said he'd help with straightening the house. God love him. I had my "lunch hour" at 2:45 so I could get Penelope from school and be ready for this woman.
When she arrived, I learned that she is Penelope's Probation Officer. Probation Officer? The public defender, nor the woman we registered with told us that Penelope was going to have an assigned Probation Officer. What does that mean? She showed us her bandge and credentials. I didn't even ask - still kind of stunned. Penelope told her she thought her badge looked cool. Yeah, Penelope - this is cool. I think not.
It ended up being a two hour interview. She was very nice. I knew her role had something to do with setting up the evaluation but I didn't understand the purpose with getting such a detailed background of Penelope when she was just setting up an evaluation. There was a long term feel to this relationship. I asked her what her purpose was in this case. I do not understand what her role is. She said that it depends on if Penelope is found competent or not. If she isn't competent to proceed or stand trail, then wether the judge felt she could become competent. I was lost at this point. She said that Penelope would attend classes to learn what she needed to know in order to become competent. I gather from what she said, that this really applies to people who have limited inteligence. I don't believe that Penelope's issue with competincy has anything to do with her ability to learn things, but that she is somewhat of a flake right now. Her emotional defenses are on overdrive. Last week she was so scared, she could barely make it through school. Now, she is in fantasy world, having extreme difficulty communicating effectively and just .. almost manic. In her own world. But she makes it through school fine now. I don't know how well her testing is going but no threats of harm against herself or others which is good.
The probation officer said that if Penelope is found competent, then her role will continue with Penelope and she will be a part of any sentencing Penelope will have. She believes Penelope will be required to go to sex offender classes/treatment. I told her we have her in Truama therapy. She said this was specifically for sex offenders. She recommended that I look into that.
It took a bit to get Penelope to sit down at the table for the interview. The Probation Officer asked Penelope to tell her about herself. Penelope went on and on and on about her favorite colors, foods, things she likes, and to tell off the wall stories, and her choice in words and mannerisms were of a 4 year old. It was actually very hard to watch. I don't know if the Probation Officer picked up on how off Penelope was. She has never met Penelope before. To someone who doesn't know better, she may seem like a child who is immature but extremely happy and full of energy, ready to burst with her happiness. Very charming and entertaining. When I pointed out how regressed Penelope is right now, and how she loves to meet new people. The Probation Officer took it as an apology and said "It's better than I usually get. Usually the child doesn't want to talk to me at all." Probably because the child knows you are asking them these questions because of their crime? Penelope is in LaLa Land.

1st time at Court

I didn't even bother sending Penelope to school on Monday. I was considering it thinking she may have forgot that it was this Monday, the 19th. But, she knew. Sunday afternoon she randomly asked "What's today's date?" I avoidingly said "I'm not sure." She said, "Is it the 18th?" I said, "I think that's right." She just said "Oh, okay" and went back to doing what she was doing. She knew.
Then that night she started to freak out about and came out and said it. "Tomorrow is the court date. I'm scared!" And we talked about it, trying to put it in perspective for her so she could deal okay. Reassured her that Papaw was coming and riding down with us.
We got there about 45 minutes early. There was maybe two other families in the large waiting area. Our public defender saw us sitting there. She said she'd try to see if the magistrate would want to do it early. She was gone for quite a while. Penelope was getting anxious. I allowed her to have her Nintendo DS. But I set the expectation with her that when the attorney comes out, the DS goes off - no finishing up that level or whatever. It gets closed and turned off. She said she would want to play it in the court. I said "Absolutely not. The judge would not allow that and it would make you look bad." She said, "Well then I will draw. It's good to draw." Of course it's good to draw, it's promoted as a way for her to express and get out her feelings. But not in this venue! I said "Not here. You have to sit and pay attention." She actually says "How boring!" Did she really? Really... I said "You have to sit there at attention like you should in class. You are here to LEARN." Then I nudged my dad. "Did you hear her?" I told him what she said. He scoffed and told her "I'd erase that attitude before you get in front of the judge. The is a learning opportunity for you. You better pay attention." A little while later, the public defender came out and said that the request for a Competincy Evaluation was granted and we need to be there next Monday, the 26th for a Competincy Hearing. So we didn't need to go in front of the judge this time. She opened an empty Hearing room so Penelope could see what it looked like. Honestly, Penelope didn't care. It's amazing how she flips from freaking out to aloof about the whole thing.
Papaw wanted to talk to the public defender alone, to discuss the case in more detail regarding the actual charges. His cop side was kicking in and he wanted to debate the validity of the actual charges and figure out what the plan of defense is. I sat with Penelope and we talked about.. whatever to keep her mind distracted and focused on something other than waiting. We had to wait to register with the Probate Division. I'm not sure why or what exactly their role is other than that they will be scheduling the Evaluation with the person who does that.
So, we finally got called in to register. It took forever. The person wanted a ton of data on Penelope, her parents, her meds, everything. Then we were able to leave.
After we got home and Papaw left, Penelope and I just vegitated. I was planning on cleaning on the house but I was so physcially and emotionally tired. I was sick to my stomach all the night before and that morning. I almost threw up a couple of times from acid reflux or whatever. It was hateful. I knew it was stress but what can you do? Penelope slept better than I did but I heard her tossing and turning. I told her we would relax for a couple hours and then do some light cleaning. I figured after her tutor session. I noticed when we were leaving she had trashed the living room with a bunch of toys - which is a no no. She is to stay in the play room. But I wasn't there the entire time, I was in an adjacent room reading. No big deal. When I picked her up from tutor, I reminded her that we were going to do chores and that I needed her to make the living room the way it was. She reluctantly agreed. But when we got home, she announced she didn't want to clean, not even straighten up the living room. I said "Really Penelope? You just told me you were going to."
I told her I was going to call Papaw and cancel him coming over. It wasn't a good time. See, Monday was his birthday. Not that he's all about growing a year older, but it's still his birthday and who doesn't like to feel special? Well, with the court date, we decided to push any celebration off to the weekend. However, he was planning on coming back with his lawnmower to cut my yard. I offered to make him dinner. I was going to make something relatively nice. Meatloaf. He likes meatloaf. But with Penelope the way she is behaving, not the best idea. I told her it would not make Papaw happy on his birthday to see how she wrecked the living room. Since she won't straighten it up, it's best to postpone having him for dinner. She started to cry and say "I didn't get him anything for his birthday!" I told her he doesn't want gifts, just appreciation and our company. Not picking up for him doesn't show appreciation. She still didn't pick up and my dad was fine with not coming over.
I decided with all the stress and lack of sleep we both were dealing with, bedtime was going to be early. Penelope liked that idea agreeing that the sooner that day was over, the better.

Keeping it together

I think both Penelope and I are still reeling from the appointment with the Public Defender. I will spontaneously with no provocation be consumed with anxiety and burst into tears. It happens when I sit still too long. Too much time to think. Fortunately I can keep it together around Penelope. Everything is "fine" around Penelope. I hope she reads it that way, and honestly, during that time I feel that it is. We are together. I am hear for her. I become that rock for her that I can't seem to become for myself. It's instinctive now with Penelope. But then I crumble as soon as I'm away. Maybe it's a survival instinct in me because I know that she is having a hard enough time now dealing with it and would be a great deal worse if I also lost it.
So our appointment was on Tuesday. Tuesday night was moderately difficult for her but honestly no more than it had been, so I started the evening in her other twin bed before finishing it in my own room - like I have the prior several nights.
Wednesday morning she woke up angry at the world. Before she even stepped a foot out of bed she was pissed. I said "Why are you being angry with me? What did I do?" She said, "You woke me up." I said, "That's what I do every morning. What's so different about this morning?" She just grunted. She knew where I was going with this. She got herself ready and was fine by the time we left for school. Around 3pm, I get a call from Mrs. Brown who is with Penelope in the Principal's office. Penelope came to her and told her she was feeling like hurting someone. I said "Who does she want to hurt?" Mrs. Brown asked and responded "You." Ah, okay. Been here before. When Mrs. Brown told me, Penelope bursted into tears in the background and started sobbing. Mrs. Brown put me on speakerphone. I reassured Penelope that it was okay, that I am not mad or think less of her. I understand. She has a lot of really confusing conflicting emotions that are really intense and this is how it's coming out. But that also I know deep down inside she really doesn't want to hurt me because of how upset she is about it. That she is scared and upset with herself for thinking of it. But not to worry, we will take care of it together. It seemed to help. She is suppose to go to Girls on the Run but had already told Mrs. Brown that she didn't feel safe going to GOTR. Knowing that both my parents were at least an hour away and school gets out in like 10 minutes, I said I would come get her.
When I picked her up, she looked pretty sad and anxious. I automatically adopted the "everything is going to fine" attitude that I spoke about earlier. I joke with her, drove through the ATM to get some money so I could take her to the DQ walk up that is up the street. Let the fact that the receipt read "- .61" as my account balance roll off my back and headed to the DQ. Bought her a scoop of ice cream which helped her feel better. I don't want her to use food for coping, but I wanted to distract her with something that was from me so she knows I'm not mad and understanding. She was more calm and disarmed so I started in and asked her questions about her day and what led up to these bad feelings. Based on what she said, I think what happened is that with her already higher than usual anxiety and hypervigilience, when a boy from her class became violent/defiant in the hallway outside the classroom, the alarms went off in her head. She became VERY scared. She started thinking about her birth mother and seeing her at the park that her grandmother took her to Tuesday afternoon and how she looked around to make sure she wasn't there. She started to get angry about Harriet. She started to get angry that her Dad picked Harriet resulting in Penelope having such a bad life. Then she started to want to hurt somebody. She wanted to hurt me. That scared her too. She went to her teacher Mrs. Brown and told her. At which point they went to the Principal's office.
She seemed much calmer after getting all that out and feeling good after a scoop of ice cream. We went back to the house and Papaw came over, already informed, and asked if she should be punished for what happened. "This isn't acceptable. Should she be punished?" God love him. Mind you, if you read back, you see how protective my dad is of me when Penelope has hit me or threatened to kill me. I have an easier time seeing why she feels that way versus just looking at the actual disobediance part. I told him that we don't punish her - we never punish anyway. But we actually let her know how we see that she was strong enough to let us know how she feels and wants help. The consequences are the vitual lockdown or 24/7 supervision she is under. Not real different than it's been recently with her recent behavior.
He wanted to talk to her about it, be her Papaw, anyway. He just didn't know what approach to take. I'm still not real sure what approach he ended up taking with her but when they were finished and Penelope came out of her room, she came over to me and said "Mommy, I've made a decision. I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm going to stay home where I feel safe" with a nod of finality. I had her sit down so we could discuss this in more detail. My dad was unaware of it himself. I first informed her how that was a Mommy decision, not hers to make. She didn't like that one bit. I asked why she felt unsafe going to school and she was afraid she would want to hurt someone again. We had already discussed why her brain goes there but my fear is that she has seen how alarming this type of declaration is, that she is now wanting to use it to not go to school. School has been exceptionally difficut for her because of her emotional health has been with this court case. But I also want to recognize and take her concerns seriously. We talked about ways to cope and how we had already discussed taking each day seperately - but here we are talking about tomorrow. I had her say her pledge that we go to when needed since AT started "I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me." She said it but she didn't want to and there was no meaning behind it. I tried to have her repeat it a few times but she refused. At this point, Papaw had to leave and we were expecting Miss Lisa.
Around 7:00 Miss Lisa came for her regularly scheduled time to visit with Penelope. I had also forewarned her about what happened at school. However she didn't know about Penelope not wanting to go to school. She had told me she planned on playing a revised version of UNO. Depending on the color layed down, you had to tell something about your self or ask someone a question. Penelope wanted me to play as well. She was all happy and giggling. But as the game progressed she became almost aggressive - manic I think. If I put down a skip card or some card that impacted her negatively, she would smack or punch my leg or arm. Hard. Then at one point when she said she likes giving me tackle hugs she got up from her seat and tackle hugged me. She is a 145 lb kid. She almost took me from my seat to the floor. I told her it was too much and she just giggled. After a few moments she went and set back down but it was obvious she was irritated. When Miss Lisa would ask her open ended questions about what makes her angry or something like that, Penelope would give her answers that avoided any issues she is dealing with. So when I had a turn to ask a question, I asked "Why do you not want to go to school tomorrow?" It was an elephant in the room that needed to be uncovered.
She said the same thing she said earlier. Miss Lisa started to ask about it. Penelope said she just needed a day off to rest and relax. Lisa had a good question. "What will happen if at the end of Thursday you are not rested and relaxed? Then what? Will you take Friday off?" Penelope said "No. I'll be fine by Friday." Lisa - "But what if you are not? I just want you to think about challenging yourself to get through each day." We talked about how she got through Monday and almost Wednesday. Tuesday she didn't go to school because of her appointments. She CAN do it. She just has to try. Penelope got really upset by the fact we weren't "listening" to her. She just got upset that we didn't understand she needed to stay home Thursday. I told her that I didn't have a problem with her staying home Thursday. But not to forget the rule about not going to school. Her job is to learn. If she doesn't go to school and learn the things she needs to know to progress through school and go on to college - to become the things she described early during the game - fashion designer, veternarian, poet, or forensic scientist - she will have to learn some other skill so when she grows up she can get a job. Last time (5th grade winter) she stayed home, she learned about cleaning so she could get a job as a maid in a hotel or in people's homes. But with Thursday being a nice day, she could learn some landscaping skills. That didn't go over well. She said "I don't want to clean or do landscaping." I asked "What were you planning on doing then?" She didn't know. She uses that "I don't know" when she doesn't want to answer or knows you won't like the answer. She went back to "I've made my decision and I'm not going to school!" Then she got up and started heading to her room "I'm getting really upset so I'm going to go calm down in my room!" We didn't follow her and gave her the space and time to calm herself. Lisa and I started discussing the upcoming court hearing. Penelope however wasn't calming down in her room. I heard her scream a couple of times, through stuff at her door that made loud bangs. I didn't like it at all. Lisa was telling me some of her experiences with patients and the courts and I couldn't pay enough attention because I was worried about Penelope. So I interrupted and went into her room to check on her. She had the door baracaded with her ottoman and pillows from the beds. She was yelling from inside her closed closet. "I never want to see you ever again!" I told her that I understand that is how she feels but she needs to work harder at calming herself down. She just grunted and growled. Not a good place on her rage scale for her. I went back to the living room. A minute later, Penelope shoots out of her room grumbling something about dinner. Because I haven't fed her dinner yet she is going to have to make her own dinner. Lisa went in there and told her that it was her fault that I hadn't made dinner yet because she was late and still here etc. Penelope said "No. It's Mommy's fault!" Lisa disagreed with her again and said that she will leave so I can make her dinner. She made Penelope promise to call her in the morning to let her know if she was going to school because she'd like to come visit her at school. Penelope reluctantly agreed to call her (she didn't call her.) When Lisa left, Penelope looked at me with a mixture of fear and anger. I just looked at her with love and held out my arms to give her a hug. She kinda scooted away as she had her back to the wall. I went up to her and forced a hug on her. She melted in my arms. I said "Let's go figure out what we can have for dinner." When I was in the kitchen, I called my dad and told him I needed mom to come and stay the night. Penelope was still aggitated but not nearly as she was. She seemed to no longer be mad at me but she does this passive aggressive thing too. I'm the target of all her anger so it doesn't matter whether she is directly mad at me or not.
My mom came and stayed the night. They agreed that she would learn to wash base boards and windows on Thursday. Thursday morning Penelope was happy. Happy to get her way I think. But it wasn't a battle worth fighting. She would have found her way home as I think she has figured out how to alarm the school to be sent home. If she needed that day, fine - she can have it. However, I was concerned about my mom with her. These "home school" days are extremely rough and you have to have patience, tolerance, and perservere. You have to "teach" with a calm and aloof approach. Penelope will fight everything as she is fighting for control. You have to not fight with her but help her cope with letting go. Strong sitting. Calm voice. A smile instead of a disapproving frown. Not part of mom's DNA. Penelope was going to chew her up and spit her out. I came to the resolve that it probably wasn't going to happen today and my hope is that it won't be so rewarding that Penelope would "need" to stay home Friday too. I did take her Nintendo DS to work with me too and Penelope didn't put up too much of a fight. I said "What kid WOULD want to go to school if they could just stay home and play with their DS." She understood. I hate that thing and wish her dad never gave it to her.
I found out my mom took her to the grocery store to pick up some items for my house. But she bought her a bunch of sugar-filled crap! Donut holes, chips, sunkist, gatorade, other snacks. I was pissed. After that, there wasn't enough time to clean baseboards and windows. They went to her house so Penelope and my dad could leave straight from their house to head to therapy. He said that when Penelope walked in, he asked how she was doing. She said "Great! Grandma and I have been having fun!" He knew that wasn't a good thing. He made her read the rest of the time before therapy. She struggled with it but it happened. With all that said, she did end up going to school on Friday and having a good day. So we all made it through that week.
Next week is a whole other week. A week that includes court.

Our Appointment with the Public Defender

I left our appointment with our assigned counsel more concerned and upset than before we went in. Worried about this appointment, I sent an extensive email to her from the public defender's office's website. She didn't get it.

We didn't have much time to talk to her. She only wanted to meet with Penelope first. By herself. Why? Don't know. When she called Papaw and I in she had just finished drawing a map of the court room for Penelope showing her where everyone sits. She said that they didn't go over the charges because Penelope doesn't appear to be someone who could handle that. Penelope had provided enough information to clue her in that she has mental health issues and going to court and be on trial might be damaging. Ya think? I explained what the detective said about filing charges only if CPS doesn't provide help. But then even after requesting a referral and going through the steps to find the right help for Penelope the detective calls and says they are filing charges anyway. That he called CPS and that have closed the case and they want her treatment monitored. They want to make sure she gets the help that she needs. I told the attorney how Penelope has been having nightmares about all of this, she was discovered by a classmate cutting lines on her legs with the blade of her scissors, and she drew some alarming pictures that has the principal considering having a psychological evaluation done to determine if she is a safety concern to herself or her classmates. The picture had to do with Penelope killing her birth mom. "no family for me" in actuality she is scared we are going to abandon her "when" she goes to jail. We've been assured she isn't going to jail. According to the attorney there isn't a jail for her. She is too young. There is one for boys her she but it is rare to have a case like this for a girl. She has only had two others in the years she has been doing this. She knows the detective and said he is a real snake. She wanted to call the prosecutor and make sure that the detective even discussed it with her. She came back and said that he had and the reason they filed charges is because even with the treatment she was having, this happened. She hasn't been getting the right kind of treatment. If they only knew! If they knew where she has been, how far she has come. If they only knew! She has so many issues to deal with that you have to start somewhere. But then their arguement would be "more reason to deem her a threat to others." But what do you want for her then? To be insititutionalized? To take away her potential because she is sick? To remove her from normalcy? It's part of her healing to be at a regular school and live a normal life. She continually learning to cope with eveyday things to prepare her for adulthood. But because she is sick and still continues to need treatment and support we should take all this away? "no hope for you Penelope. Yeah you've come a long way in the past 1 1/2 years but it's not good enough. You are 12 now and you should be better.Your efforts were not good enough. YOU are not good enough."
I asked the attorney what they expected? We already exceed CPS' standards so they can't do anything. If anything, they will make it worse by trying to bring Harriet back in the picture too soon to "protect the mother's rights." If this prosecutor TRUELY wanted what was best for Penelope, then they should consider the psychological side to this. I asked if they could then drop the charges? She said they could but she wanted to focus on getting it so Penelope doesn't have to participate in the trial. Have her have a competincy hearing and have her evaluated. With Penelope back in the room she starts telling her how we are going to have her get evaluated to determine competincy and she'd have to go to the jailhouse to do so and go through the doors and be locked in.... But then she'd get to leave. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! She so didn't need to know all that. Didn't I just tell her that even though we've all told her she isn't going to jail, that she has nightmares about it anyways? But the meeting was left with a lot of unanswered questions and an overall feeling like we are screwed. That she isn't much of a fighter and she is just going to make an effort to make sure Penelope doesn't have to sit through it, which is definitely a good thing, but only to protect her from watching herself get convicted of 4 counts of rape as our attorney, who not once asked about the charges, rolls over on it.

It makes me mad at myself for being so weak that I couldn't keep working and put myself in such a financial situation I can't pay for proper representation. Mad at myself for leaving Penelope with my brother who judged me too hovering over Penelope and that I should allow her more freedoms, when my instincts told me not too. I'm not saying he did anything wrong, he just hasn't been around her enough to gain the same compulsion to hover. I allowed his critisisms to fog my instincts to hover and allow her to be in a situation where she wasn't monitored enough. Mad at myself for being open and honest with the judicial system and telling the detective everything and telling Penelope to tell the detective everything. I want to trust the system. I want Penelope to trust the system. Papaw, who is a retired police officer, was with us and felt being open and honest was the right thing too. I am kicking myself for being so niave. Papaw is pissed because what transpired isn't rape. And Penelope is being charged 4 counts of it.

I cried all the way back to work, missed my exit, almost hit a car on the highway, missed my turn around, went the wrong way when I got back to the exit. I was a mess. It took me forever to get back to work. I tried to call my dad, who Penelope was with but he didn't answer. I don't know what we can do but we have to be able to do more than this. This sucks! Take back the car and use the money for an attorney! This job sucks anyway so I'll find a job that is on the bus route or something. I don't know.

I called George, being her father and all, tried to see if he'd offer up something to help. Maybe sell his Harley? Nope. God forbid. He'd be homeless with his daughter dead from suicide but still have his Harley. Priorities.

The one thing that the attorney said that really bothers me is that this crime will follow her throughout her life. It's one of those crimes that can't be exponged. (sp?) So it could impact her ability to get a job, maybe her college if she decides to do that. Besides living with the guilt of what she did, she will be something that others can know and continually judge her for.

Lastly, I do want to stress that I do recognize how serious her actions are. They have devistated our family. I adore my niece and nephew. I get so mad when I think of what she did. The blessing that we have is that they are fine. My 5 yr old nephew didn't understand what Penelope wanted him to do, wasn't interested and told her he'd rather play Star Wars. I'm not 100% sure what happened with my 3 yr. old niece but if it is what Penelope told me, it would make sense that she doesn't think anything of it and asks where Penelope is whenever I see her. "Where's Penelope? Can you go get her and bring her here? I want to play hair salo." Same thing from my nephew. They both have been told it was inappropriate touching and Penelope isn't allowed over until she learns how to play nicely. They've accepted that. They just don't know that Penelope will probably never be invited or welcomed again. I'm just thankful that what happened wasn't worse. It could have been a lot worse. It should never have happened. What happened to Penelope should never have happened. It's going to be a long road between by twin brother and I because he allows George into his home and what he has done to Penelope is billion times worse than what Penelope did to her cousins. But he is allowed in their home when Penelope never will be again.

Cutting

I have to remind myself that when Penelope has an event/acting out that is in general is viewed as bad, it could be a good thing. It is Penelope's way of letting me know she needs help.
She is still struggling with my new work schedule. Clingy when I get home. I'm trying to not be irritable after a long day of making a fraction of what I use to make. She doesn't know what a struggle it is nor does she need to. There are people there that push my buttons. I am competition and they like to play mind games. They don't know what's at stake on my end. My house. My sanity. They don't know I spend my lunch hours on my cell taking care of personal things like arranging transportation for Penelope, letting which of my parents is picking her up that day about chores, showers, or whatever Penelope needs to do. Today, after I made my first (microscopic) sale, I spent it on the phone setting up a repayment plan for Jan and Feb's gas and electric bill since it's over 1,000 dollars. That's even with keeping it between 63 and 65 degrees all winter. Yeah... Then emailing the bank my mortgage is through about relooking at my loan modification request with my new employment.
Then getting a call from Penelope's teacher Mrs. Brown about how Penelope was found by another student cutting lines on her legs with her scissors. Why?? Yesterday she seemed in good spirits when I got home. One of the teachers from her Girls on the Run program invited Penelope to go walk/running with her and when I got home she was sprawled out on the front porch red faced from all that effort. Content. Happy. Then today so sad saying she had a nightmare about what she did to her cousins and that she ended up in jail. Then I left, abandoning her. I talked to her for a few minutes and got her calmed and reminded her of all the people that are available to help. I think that having her first trauma therapy session has her thinking even though they didn't talk about anything. She knows why she is there. She wants the help. She seemed sad when I got home but I acted "normal" as her cutting is no big deal - manageable. I can shoulder this for her. It helped her mood. I think she was scared of what I thought. Maybe ashamed even. She has attachment therapy tomorrow so I know it will be discussed and hopefully they can help her process whatever feelings she is having that is causing her to self-injure.

Court Date has been Set

After watching the mail for the last few weeks, we finally received the dreaded notice of the court date. I didn't tell Penelope and won't until it's closer or of the day. Not sure yet how to handle that. I just know that telling her now will sabatoge work we've done to help her anxiety. Spring Break and my hours on her is enough to deal with. So I called the Public Defenders office today to see what the next step is. I'm suppose to go to where the hearing is going to be held and be "qualified" for a public defender. Financially I assume. Minimum wage and no OT after 18 months of unemployment should qualify me I would hope. At that point, they will schedule an appointment for Penelope and I to meet an attorney. We will see what is after that from that point. The notice had 4 cases attached to it. Basically the way I understand it, it's 3 counts of rape against my nephew and 1 count of rape against my niece. I don't understand the 3 counts and I still don't know what happened with my niece. Papaw is besides himself - upset with the system for charging her. The detective told me that they only want to help Penelope. They are only charging her because Children Services closed her case and they want it to remain open and her treatment monitored. This is there way of having a court force CPS to monitor her. What message does this send to Penelope? Supposedly the Detective and the Prosecutor agree she is sick and doesn't deserve to be punished but helped but this is how it's to be done. I don't understand. The hearing is in a couple of weeks and happens to fall on Papaw's birthday. Isn't that lovely... I was planning on making him a nice dinner - hopefully on his birthday but sometime around that. With our family split up with George not being able to see Penelope and Penelope not allowed to see her cousins, we are the odd man out now instead of George. So I suspect that my parents, George, and my twin brother and his family will celebrate his birthday and then Penelope and I will get to afterwards.
Ironically just yesterday I was talking to my twin brother, as he also started working for the same company I am, just at a different cemetery - so we talk more often comparing notes and things, and I was updating him on some therapy plans for Penelope. I do that. I let him know what I'm doing to get her help. But this is the first time I asked him if he really wants to know about it. He doesn't seem to comment when I tell him but doesn't sound disinterested either. But his answer was "I really don't care. You don't have to update me. I just listen to listen but I really don't want to know. I still have a hard time hearing her name." He said he is still very upset with her regardless of her being sick and her past. To him, she is a monster. He said "Honestly, I don't know how you, mom or dad can act like everything is okay." This made me feel really guilty. It's been a huge struggle. I was so mad at her, hated her even. Didn't know if I'd ever love her again. Didn't know if it was worth it to continue on with her. To not give up. To try to some how get my own life back after all that I've sacrificed.. for what? And then I started to try to move on and remember that she is this way not because she was born this way but because of her parents. The abuse and neglect. But then at the same time I can't make light of it or take away the extreme devistation she caused by liking her again. I felt so guilty like if I allowed her back into my heart I was a traitor to the love and devotion I have for my brother and his wife and my wonderful niece and nephew. Those words brought all that guilt back. I could tell it hurts him to know that our life has a trajectory towards back to normal and that really bothers him. It offends him. And I don't want to hurt him.
I told him it is still hard to be close to her, and that is very true. I still struggle every day with my relationship with her. I told him that I try to remember what has happened to her and I really blame George. I blame Harriet, but as my brother and Penelope's father, I blame George for not stopping or preventing it. For putting her in harms way. He said he doesn't blame George as George isn't the one who hurt his kids. I understand that too. I don't know what to think on that. But today, he invited me to go hang out with his family on Saturday after work. It's not really a good time with Penelope not seeing me much, but I honestly don't know when that will change and I need to see them. I haven't seen them in over a month when I used to see them one to three times a week. I need to know they don't blame me and that I can still have a relationship with them outside of Penelope. My worst fear is that, because my niece and nephew always ask where Penelope is when I do see them, that my brother and his wife decide that I can't see them anymore either because I remind them of Penelope.
Penelope has been hanging out with Papaw all week. He picks her up every morning around 8:30 and has her home around the time I get home from work. Tonight, she is staying there since it's therapy night up north and my late night at work. It will shorten Papaw's trip home from 2 1/2 hours to 45 minutes. Yes, I should be making phone calls instead of blogging but I swear I've spent the entire day making calls and want to poke my eyes out.