I think about that on somewhat of a frequent basis. Penelope is 12 years old, most of the kids in her grade are 11 going on 12. What kids are exposed to, how schools are run, and what home life is like, is different now than when I was that age. Plus, in our dynamic, it's just Penelope and I (and our 3 cats - Penelope never let's me exclude them when describing our family.) My family dynamic growing up was both my birth parents and two brothers.. oh, and the family dog. So, Penelope gets more mom and daughter time than I did. I enjoyed my alone time, so I do think about that - making sure I give her space. But, I also know I can't go "This is what I thought, so that's what she is thinking." She is in so many ways totally different than me. It has nothing to do with the fact she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, but that we cared about totally different things at the age of 12. As she is emotionally immature, I was much older than her at this age. I was too serious, stressed about school, and was babysitting for money other people's kids. I can't imagine Penelope babysitting anyone! The thought... I walked home from school on a frequent basis from age 9 until high school. (HS was too far away.) My parents worked until late every night. It wasn't uncommon for dinner to be on the table at 8 or 9 or 10 at night. It was normal for us. That would leave my twin brother and I at home several hours every night with no supervision. That's my memory at least. We were mature and responsible enough to do that and not have any problems. Our street was full of boys so my brother was usually out playing. I liked to read and watched TV, talk on the phone with my friends, and do whatever. I'd get my homework done at some point. No big deal. However, Penelope is hardly ever EVER left alone. I will say, we are testing those boundaries with her this school year. She is allowed to walk home from school, but as long as she has someone to walk with. She isn't allowed to ride her bike though - can travel farther on bike. She still isn't home by herself alone. I'm not sure if that's ever going to be a possibility. Maybe to run to the store or something. But as she hits her teens, other concerns (boys) come up. My parents were lucky that my brother and I were generally good kids. We weren't pristine by any means -but we didn't take advantage of this freedom like some of our friends would have or have. But that's a whole other topic.
So I have this 12 year old, who is smart and creative, and in a lot of ways just like every other kid her age. However, she also has experienced a lot of things that no child should ever have to endure - and at such a young age. So as she has aged, and her mental and emotional health improves, her mental, psychical and intellectual age increases, she processes differently throughout. Then, on top of that, here I am trying to be her spotter, arms out looking up ready to shift left or right to catch her - trying to spot signs and symptoms, be reading for the onset of some significant emotional outburst or meltdown, or at least continue to show her that I'm her strength and can be trusted.
Okay, so this past week, we had a head-scratcher of an experience - which caused all the prior thoughts and many more. Penelope is starting to have an upswing on her social life. Probably more friends/friendly acquaintances than she has had before. She still has certain kids that she still complains about that pick on her or whatnot. Now, it's boys rather than girls. So, this past Tuesday, she walked home with one of her newer friends - no problem. She knew she had a curfew. Before her curfew, she called because she wanted to have more time with her friend to finish a Social Studies assignment - they were going to do it at the playground (2 minutes from our house, ajacent to her friend's house). I said that was fine, knowing they wanted to play also. Gave her an extra 30 minutes. She called before that 30 minutes was up to ask for an extentions and I said no. She accepted it with no problems and was home on time. But she had a TON of homework. She spent another 1 1/2 hours on her homework - making me wonder what in the heck she did for the 1 h 45 minutes at the after-school tutoring program. That is where she met this friend so I'm thinking maybe too much socializing after school. Something I needed to investigate and cut off - with the understanding that I'm not doing this because I "care" about her homework, but that she performs better on homework for the people at school so what doesn't get done there, may not get done at all. It's the approach that works and it might be a crazy thing but try to only do what works. Penelope is typically fairly good about homework at home but it took her forever to get it all done. She kept distracting herself and even at one point put everything down and wanted to "Ask me a question." Whenever she says "I want to ask you a question," I cringe. That statement and "I need to tell you something." But her question was that she wanted to know if she could go to a party that was being thrown for her. Do what? It was to be a surprise party for her by her friend that she walked home with and another girl. I asked her why these girls were throwing her a surprise party? She said that they wanted to help her with her self confidence and let her know she has friends. Do what? I asked "Why would they think you need help with these things?" She shifted uncomfortably and said "I don't know.. um.. Can I go?" She wouldn't elaborate more than "I don't know." I told her that I needed to talk to her friend's mom (the owner of the planned location). She didn't seemed to like that answer but accepted it and said she'd let them know. Obvious red flag.
Then the next day, I got a phone call from Mrs. Brown at school. She wanted to let me know about a conversation she had with Penelope. She first wanted to tell me how Penelope's morning went in Lit class. She came to class all disheveled and unorganized. She didn't seem discheveled when I dropped her off but she has been running it to the last few minutes in the morning. Because of that, I did hand feed her the pills this particular morning. It saved us probably 10 minutes. She had a test and was acting very uncharacteristic - unfocused, uninterested etc. She was even defiant with her teacher about it. Mrs. Brown called her to see her after class to find out what was going on. Penelope confided in her that she had something on her mind. The day before, while walking home, her friend had told Penelope that she should be a lesbian because of her sexual abuse. UGH. Mrs. Brown wanted to also let me know how she responded to Penelope. She told her that people don't choose to be a lesbian or not, but are one or not. She knows Penelope likes boys so she knows she isn't a lesbian. Even I know this can be a controversal subject, I have the same opinion about sexual orientation so I was perfectly fine with this response. We discussed the whole situation and concerns about how to address it as well as how it could get blown out of proportion. I don't want, and no one needs another repeat of last school year with Penelope's pregnancy rumor. We don't need a rumor going around that Penelope is a lesbian. These kids are too immature to deal with this whole concept. Okay, that's the social implications. More importantly, Penelope needed to be talked to in order to help her process her feelings and understand a better way to deal with these thoughts and feelings.
Penelope was sexually abused - so all signs point to. No one has ever been charged and there is no evidence directly surporting this allegation. However, Penelope has been acting out sexually ever since I took her in at age 8 and over time, she started to tell me bits of a story that happened to her and last year eventually told me about her abuse. Not in great detail. Maybe that will come with age. But what I was able to gather is that the person that abused her lived within a multi-generation household where it seems many if not all the kids had been abused themselves and in turn have acted out towards other people. A boy is the accused, by his younger sister, who all information gathered, had also been abused had acted out sexually with Penelope. This girl was Penelope's best friend, the younger sister of a young man who was Penelope's dad's best friend - who lived with George and Penelope and had admitted to George during this time that he had been abused himself. Even before I found out about who and that George's friend had been abused - having my suspicions about Penelope's abuse due to her sexualized behaviors - he was high on my list of suspect because of the way he acted. I still wouldn't be surprised if he didn't and that comes out some day. But, at this point, it seems Penelope has shared some of her experiences with this 11 year old friend of hers. So I can see a young kid like this, in an attempt to "help" her friend - think this is a solution. God bless her. So Penelope and I talked about two issues - her "lesbian"ism, and sharing of information. I also wanted to be sensitive to that fact that she did share this information with her teacher and I don't want to prevent that. We still have some talking to do but it is an uncomfortable topic for Penelope - the lesbian part of of it, so we still have some work. Her unwillingness to discuss it has me concerned that there is more to the story. I did find out that after her conversation with Mrs. Brown that she blamed or was mad at her friend for "lying" to her about her being a lesbian. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a lie, but an attempt to help her. But, it was a mistake - not a lie. I think her friend had good intentions. What I told Penelope is that as she already knows, she has experienced a lot of things most kids haven't. So most kids don't understand it, even if you tell them. Not that they don't want to understand or think that they do. It's understandable that she wants to confide in a friend, but i'ts not a good time yet. And when she has questions and has been thinking about things or having feelings - she should come talk to me or or therapists, or even Mrs. Brown (sorry Mrs. Brown haha) when she needs to process these. I told her that she shouldn't try dealing with it alone or hope that her friends can help her. It's too much for an adult who has had the same experience to deal with so it's way too much for someone your age to deal with without the support of the adults in your life that care about you and are here for you. None of us would ever say "Oh my! I can't believe you thought that!" We understand. I do think it sunk home for her. She has a lot of guilt and shame and just like I think a lot of pre-teens, she doesn't want to involve adults - and maybe she feels like "I can handle it by myself" which I know is a thought that has been ingrained into her thinking too. To say that even an adult can't handle it by themselves and needs help let's her know that it's not that she is weak or not good enough or anything about her specifically but that it's just not possible. She opened a little bit about it after that but not too much. She said that her friend who told her she needs to be a lesbian was also planning on looking for a girlfriend for her. Maybe that's what the party is for? A "coming out" party? Introducing her to other girls to find her a girlfriend? UGH. So, obviously there is more work to be done here to avert possible catastrophe. But, the positive thing here is that Penelope can learn more about how to process the abuse. It's not really been dealt with yet. But she hasn't been ready so hopefully she is ready so we can address some of her anxieties and feelings before boys really become a threat.
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