Papaw

It's been over a week since I've blogged. I've been in a very dark hole emotionally - not coping well at all. Feeling there is so much to do and not feeling capable or worthy of any of it. My last post was about how my dad tried to help, in his own way, by telling Penelope that I'm depressed and to be happy and good so I can not be depressed anymore. That just sunk me in my hole deeper. Earlier that day, my mom had called me to see how Penelope was doing. I should have known better than to think she actually wanted to know. She was traveling in her car and needed someone to be filler on her drive. She knows I hate that. So I start telling her about an incident I had with Penelope but she cut me off about 5 minutes into it saying she was where she was headed and she would call later when she was back on the road. I consciously made the decision I wasn't going to take her call. She called about 4 hours later and I just let it go. The next day, a Saturday, she called late morning, and I wasn't interested in talking to her yet then either. Around 1pm she shows up at my door. She wants to talk - tell me how she is always there for me. "I've always been here for you even though your dad hasn't." I couldn't talk to her and she ended up leaving because she was offended that I didn't agree with her statement. Again, it's always about her resentment that I feel my dad has been there for me. It's more a 90/10 thing. He's been there for us 90% of the time and she's been there 10% of the time. It's a competition - about her, not about me or Penelope. She has to prove to everyone that she is here for us, above anyone else. Like there is a trophy at the end of this game for the winner. Maybe I should say "Yes, you have always been there for me, you above anyone else" just so she stops bugging me about it. I just hate that she slam my dad in the same breath. I couldn't do this without him, and it would be so wonderful if she was actually here for me.
Sunday morning Penelope looks out the window and there is my dad cutting my grass. It's not uncommon for him to not come to the door and announce his presence when he comes over and wants to do something to my yard. But this time he has all kinds of stuff with him, tools and bags of mulch. He probably spent 3 or 4 hours working in my yard. It was his way of apologizing for his screwups. He isn't one to apologize and I never would ask him to. He has done so much for us. I know his intentions are always good - just ... stupid stupid stupid what he did. He knows he has limits and has always been fairly good at staying behind them, but seeing me so sad - he wanted to help. I know that. When I call him, he is always there for me. So, I went outside and worked in the yard with him - but let him do most of it . lol. Hey, it's his apology - I'm not going to step on his toes. And not that I was going to ask for one, it's still nice to get one. We did talk a little bit, he was concerned about the fact he told Penelope that he wanted to take her on this Halloween Hayride this Saturday after she didn't do any of the things he made her promise. You know - to be good and happy? Shocker- it didn't work. I told him that I've learned that taking away fun events that you've already shared with her is only counter-productive. Those are things that help her bond and make her heart feel good - if she is strong enough. You can't punish her - only consequences. He kinda huffed and said "You can't punish her?" I said "It's not like I'm afraid to punish her so I don't and let her get away with stuff. It's more like it doesn't have the end result you want, so why do it? It just pisses her off and makes things worse." He said "What about Soup Kitchen and Strong Sitting - they are not punishments?" I said, "No.. It's how it's connected to the behavior. If I said 'That's it! I'm tired of the talking back and not following directions (etc.) so I'm not going to waste my time making you regular food. You are eating soup from now until you deserve real food.' Now that is pretty freaking mean. But the idea is "It's your job to work hard to get strong (healthy). If I stopped working hard at my job, what would happen? I'd get fired. If I got fired, I'd have no money for food so I'd have to get my food at the Soup Kitchen." It's a wake up call. It seems mean, especially to do to a child who has been through so much already - but she is already putting out more effort than all the kids in her class combined - but her effort is in NOT doing what she needs to do to get stronger. She is getting sicker. So, in order to deter her from going down that path, she needs a wake up call - to redirect her efforts and work hard on getting stronger. But you issue these consequences with love - cheering her one, letting her know you can see her getting stronger by doing well with Soup Kitchen and soon you can see her not needing to be on Soup Kitchen. You talk about how proud you are in seeing her start to work. Strong Sitting is done the same way. It is very similiar to Time Out but instead of of it being about taking away her ability to participate by sitting out, it's about taking the time to calm herself down, to regulate herself and get in control. It can be done before the event that can cause her anxiety and stress - a time to meditate to be calm. But it can be a 'Okay, you need to calm yourself down. Strong Sitting will help you with that.' We have had to modify Strong Sitting due to the Time Outs she was required to do for hours on end when she was little and how Strong Sitting initially triggered that trauma for her."
He wanted to know what he should do about the fact Penelope didn't do what she promised. He said "Should I tell her how disappointed I am in her?" I said "Um... I think that would just make her sad and ashamed. I think it would be better to say 'It's too bad that you weren't strong enough this week to do what we talked about. Hopefully next week will be better.' That's what her ATs suggest how we talk about this type of thing." I could tell he was thinking it was a bit cheezy. I said "I know, it doesn't makes sense, but we do what works, right?" He said "Yeah, we only want to do what works so if that is what works, that's what we will do." So nice to have someone say "I don't get it but I'm willing to do whatever works."