Halloween Card from Harriet

Harriet sent Penelope a Halloween Card. I knew it was coming because Harriet found me on Facebook and sent me a message. It was surprising to see her on Facebook because over the past couple of years, it's been difficult finding means of communication because she didn't have computer access to have email, her cell phones would get disconnected and change and I can't talk to her when Penelope is around - and that would be the times she would call me, even though I'd tell her not to call during those times. Her message said she was sending her a card with a $50 gift card in it. I thought, "Wow, computer, facebook, and $50 gift card. Where is this money coming from?" My twin brother even told me he saw her and her husband at the mall shopping over this past weekend. Her husband has this long goatee he has grown that goes down to his chest. He died it blue. Harriet, whose hair is carrot red, she's died her's black.. again. But then I remembered she had some settlement coming from a car accident a couple of years ago or something. Money well spent. Whatever. It's nice that she is thinking of Penelope while this money burns a hole in her pocket. It would be nice if she sent me some money for things Penelope needs but that has never happened. It's always sent to Penelope to spend on crap. She is trying to win her love back. Because we have brainwashed her into thinking Harriet has hurt her. Right. So anyway, the card came yesterday and I checked it out to make sure what was written was okay. It just said that she loved her very much, and the card is to get her a costume. We've already got the costume situated so Penelope is going to use that money for whatever she wants. I knew the "I love you very much" may spark some feelings but I felt it was okay. Penelope has been stressed a little more than ususal since she was sick those 2 1/2 days and has had to make up her work. Her consequences this past Saturday from not reading, has done it's job and she's been reading every day since. But, she has been overly sensitive. She walked home from school with her friend Anna but they made a couple of stops on the way, which is not allowed. She was very late getting home. Anna had invited her to go ride bikes and when I told her that she couldn't, she had a meltdown. She kept apologizing for being late, and I told her that I forgive her but there are still consequences. She wanted to argue about it, and I wouldn't argue with her. Then yesterday, she said she read at the tutoring program after school but she failed to get her logged signed by one of the tutors - which is a rule she is very aware of. I told her she still needed to read for 30 minutes. She threw the biggest fit again. I just told her that there are rules. She said "You don't believe me. You never believe me." Her argument yesterday was the same, because she kept making excuses like her lateness was out of her control. I told her that I do believe her but there are rules. She calmed down agreeing that if we didn't have rules, or ignore rules when we want to, things wouldn't be fair and it would be a crazy world. But, then later that night when she needed to do her 30 minutes of reading, all hell broke loose. I could see her hate for me in her eyes. She wanted to hit me. She told me I had a small brain and things like that. I told her that I wasn't going to make her read, it's not that important to me. I just know she is behind in her book for class and she might as well use the opportunity to take care of both requirements. But it was up to her, doesn't affect me if she doesn't do it. She doesn't like when I take that approach because she wants me to push her, but then she also can't handle it. Also, it's was important to her that I believed her and she kept going on about how I don't understand. She started wailing and crying. She was holding the card she got from Harriet. I told her to tell me what I don't understand, "I'm listening. Tell me what you want me to understand." She showed me the card and how it said "I love you so much." She said that it hurts her that she says that. We talked about that. She said "She lies! She doesn't love me enough to want to see me. If she did, she'd get help!" I told her, "I can see why this makes her mad. All these mixed messages. Says one thing, does another! It is so frustrating!" She just looked at me with big eyes. I said, "But I've done a lot of thinking about Harriet. And, besides thinking I have a small brain, you do think I'm pretty smart, right?" She sheepishly said "Yeah.." I said, "Would you like to know what I've come up with?" She said "Yeah." I said, "I do believe that Harriet loves you, that she believes she loves you. That she isn't lying. But she doesn't know how to love you the way you needed to be loved. She can't be the person who you have wanted her to be. She can't do it." Penelope said "Like stop smoking, or go to the doctor." I said, "Right. It's her job to take care of herself and there isn't anything that you can do to change that. It's not about how much or not enough love. It's about that she can't take care of you the way you need and deserve. So, instead of wondering if she loves you enough and how to get her to love you enough, this is what the big question you need to think about is. Do you need Harriet? With where your life is now, with me, and papaw, and grandma, and Ms. Pepper, and your teachers, and school, and friends and our daily life... Do you need Harriet? Do you need her approval? Do you need her to be a certain way? Do you need to approve of her?" She totally understood what I was saying and was really thinking about it. She said "No.." but I think it's not a true no, and that is understandable. But if she starts looking at it like that, I think it will help her seperate herself from feeling responsible, obligated, guilty. She said "I won't ever see her again, will I? I'll probably never see her again? She is never going to be able to?" She didn't say it like she wants to see her, but more like considering that accepting her the way she is, this could be part of it. I said "I don't think that's the case, Penelope. I think you will see her again. I think what the important thing is, that when you do see her, that you are okay with her being the way she is and not needing her to be something else. That you don't need her approval, or need to change her. That she can tell you that she loves you but that you don't need her to love you. She will always be your birthmother, and you will always be her daughter. And there will always be love there. But do you need it in order to be happy? I hope not." She actually was calm after that. I think she really understands where that approach to her relationship with her birth mother is a way to let go, maybe even someday forgive. We talk about that in very general ways, with all her anger and how it lashes out at everyone in her path. Hate doesn't hurt the person you are mad at, it only hurts you. Forgiving them doesn't affect them either, it just helps you let go of that anger. She gets it. It's hard, but hopefully as she heals and matures, it will be easier for her to forgive. She also needs to forgive herself. She carries so much guilt from all the horrible things she has done when she has lashed out or made bad decisions. I hope that someday she will be able to get forgiveness from the boy she dragged into her pregnancy story earlier this year. I know she carries guilt for that, she just avoids it. She carries guilt for hitting me with the metal 3 hole punch. She broke down in tears about a month ago over that and I reminded her that I forgave her, but she needs to forgive herself. She wasn't ready to do that. She just kept saying she was sorry. So much guilt.