Love & Logic

I've heard of this before but hadn't really looked into it. My initial screen of it left me with the impression that it sounds like what I've learned to do with Penelope, but it's for mentally healthy kids. I knew, from what I had been told by Penelope's ATs that a lot of the parenting techniques I've learned are based on this parenting approach. Between the things that the ATs have taught me, and what I've learned from reading things from Nancy Thomas, this approach is what I've been doing. I was reviewing the loveandlogic.com website yesterday and it was eye opening for me. I had been thinking that the type of parenting I've been doing was custom to kids with reactive attachment disorder. I do believe some of it is modified to an extent, but in general, this parenting approach is very much for all kids. All I can say is if it can work on Penelope, it can definitely work for any mentally healthy child and maybe on some other mentally ill children as well.
My twin brother and I are now on speaking terms again. We haven't talked about the issue that put a wedge between us, not that we are acting like it didn't happen. I'm not sure it would be productive to hash out the issue again. He tried to talk about it a little bit yesterday. He acknowledged that he knows I'm in this alone. There really isn't anyone to help me. But then in the same conversation he tells me he thinks some of the decisions I've made, which I've put Penelope first, are not worth the sacrifice. My mom has said similar things. I don't know if they understand that when they are saying these things, they are only added to this feeling that I'm on my own. Like they are saying "Give up on her, she's not worth it." I understand that they are concerned for my well-being. I am too. And part of the strength I get to continue to make the decisions the way I do is my fear of what would happen if I did give up on her. I don't know if fully comprehend realistically how some of the things they want me to do would affect Penelope, what type of setback would occur, and that it would only cause me more grief and drag me down deeper. To "save myself" in this whole situation, I really would have to not just give up on putting Penelope first, but give her up. Someone else would have to take her.
And that would devastate her. The other night Penelope and I had a conversation that I think was instigated by the AT who ignorantly said to me in front of Penelope” You look beat up, emotionally" and how it made me start to cry. The fact I had started to cry struck a cord with Penelope. She wanted to know what was wrong and she wasn't buying the excuses we were giving her. Part of her thinks it's her, and the other part of her just needs to know and wants to fix it. But she doesn't need to know any of the problems I'm dealing with and how she has sucked the life out of me these past couple of years. She has enough guilt she deals with.
But one of the many issues that had me emotionally beat up was the deterioration of my relationship with my twin brother. We hadn't been speaking for a couple weeks at this point. But he had called me last Wednesday, and I think just to see how I was doing. I told him how Penelope had been sick and all that but that was all our conversation consisted of. Then Friday came about and it had rained like 3 inches in day or something like that and I had some issues with a wet ceiling and wall in Penelope's room. So, my dad sent my twin brother over to investigate. He brought my 4 year old nephew with him, and by the time he was done, Penelope was home from school and both the kids were begging to spend the evening together. So Penelope and I headed over to Uncle B's house.
One the way home from Uncle B's, Penelope wanted to know why Uncle B and I had been fighting. Not at his house, by why we hadn't been talking. She knew that but never heard us fight. I told her as politically as I could, the truth. I was upset with him for inviting George to our birthday party which basically made us have to leave. I explained to her, that he had the right to do that, it was his birthday too, but that he hurt my feelings. I made sure she understood that it had nothing to do with her. It's not her fault we had to leave or anything like that. She was upset at Uncle B too for hurting my feelings, but I wanted her to know that it was between him and me and that it's okay. She was being very protective of me. This is the problem, she saw my weakness at therapy and it freaked her out. The next day she brought up the conversation and said that if she ever wasn't living with me, she'd die, she'd be dead. I asked her why she'd be dead. She said "You are the only one who can take care of me. If you stopped taking care of me, I'd have to kill myself. I would kill myself." She was serious. Of course, I don't want her to feel like I'm the end all to her existence. But I also want her to be more self-reliant. Not "the boss" or the other issues she deals with because of her trauma, but be able to handle stress better. Be able to say "I can handle this." Be more resilient.
This is where the Love & Logic parenting approach comes in for me, in that it shows Penelope that I am strong enough to handle her. Weird segue, huh? Originally I was going to talk about how I had recommended it to my twin brother for his kids, because my nephew's teacher thinks he is ADHD and he's just become more difficult in a lot of ways. But, really, my research for him has opened my eyes to how valuable Love & Logic has been for me. It's hard though, let me tell you. Probably a lot easier for the scenarios they discuss - like doing chores, or homework. But it's hard not to let your anger flow when your kid puts scratches on your car, draws pictures of your death, and hits you. It's hard not to yell. But, the way I've learned to look at it, yelling doesn't work and if anything it's counterproductive. When I get too lackadaisical about chores and the strict structure, she gets worse. So setting the limits and disciplining with love is the way to go.