Trying to move forward

No one has heard from the Detective. Not that I've called him but my twin brother has. Maybe he called because of my last conversation with him - recommended he ask whether incarceration was an option, since he is really considering that an option. I know he is looking for answers.
Tuesday we had our home visit from Children Services. She said she hadn't heard from the Detective either. She knew very little about the case, but she did know there was another case pending - as she put it. That one has to do with the boy who Penelope has told me sexually abused her. But I told the Social Worker what the person who conducted the forensic interview said - about there not being enough to pursue a case, in her opinion. But that I know the tape was given to the Detective and I haven't heard anything about it. But she really wasn't interested in that case. Her purpose was twofold - to ensure that Penelope is not in a risky environment, and that services are being provided. She took down information about Penelope's family and her family history, but because she isn't allowed to see her cousins and there are no other children in our home, the first goal is satisfied. Because she is in therapy, although attachment therapy, the second goal is also met. I explained that the Detective said that if Children Services doesn't provide services, that he was going to have her charged so the courts will require Children Services to provide services. She wasn't pleased with that and originally said that he couldn't do that, but then said that it could be done but treatment and criminal charges are two separate issues. She talked about it being counterproductive for Penelope to be charged. That what she needs is therapy. But she understands where he is coming from. Penelope at on the cusp of the age where she would have to be charged with a crime. If that was to happen, she would be labeled a predator. He wants to prevent her from becoming a predator. So do we, Ms. SW, so do we. I told her that my twin brother - the father of the victims, wants her either locked up or institutionalized. At a minimum, he is considering it. She said that was unfortunate because that wouldn't do Penelope any good. That studies have shown that appropriate therapy is what is needed in these situations. I told her that, yes, Penelope is in therapy but it's attachment therapy. I asked her if she was familiar with attachment therapy and she said she was. I told her that we really haven't dealt with Penelope's sexual abuse directly - well, until the last two visits. But that they really specialize in AT, not sexual abuse. She suggested I talk to them about a referral in their organization. I explained again how they are up north, in a different county and they are only familiar with places in that area. She pulled out a list of counseling facilities that provide services in sexual abuse. She circled two that I should call if I want to. I do. I want to.
At this point, she explained that this case will remain open for 30 days, and of those 30 days 2 weeks have already passed so it will remain open for another two weeks - unless something unforeseeable occurs. I asked about long term issues - if they have any resources for respite care. She said they do but they are only for foster parents. Nice. But she said that Children's Hospital has an emergency respite care program that she will get info on for me. But what qualifies as an emergency in that situation? I'm going to kill her if you don't take her off my hands for a few hours? Sigh.... I asked about what I was suppose to do with her in the summer? I used to send her to camp but she can't be in a normal environment with normal supervision. I have already pulled her out of the after school tutoring program because it wasn't going to be enough supervision. She said that Children's Hospital has a program that is like school and is during the day and is therapeutic. But she didn't know if Penelope would qualify because it's for kids that have mental health issues as well as a juvenile delinquency record. Yeah, like Penelope needs that type of positive influence. So no real help there.
The social worker than went in Penelope's room where she was playing her DS and talked to her for a few minutes. She had told me beforehand it was to gauge any developmental lags she may have - I guess to see if I'm taking care of her. I had told her before that, that Penelope has regressed and has been acting around 6 years old with the attention span of a 2 year old. But, I guess she came across healthy enough that wasn't an issue.
I called my parents and then my twin brother about the home visit. My brother wasn't happy about the fact that Penelope is only being referred for therapy. He said he doesn't think that is going to cut it for him and his wife. He asked why Penelope couldn't go back in the hospital, like when she wanted to commit suicide. He said that she would then get therapy on a daily basis rather than just once a week. I told him that they don't provide therapy in that situation. Their purpose was to keep her safe from herself and help her get to a point where she could go home, via talking about coping skills as well as adjusting her medication. There are residential programs but I don't think they'd take her. No one has recommended that. He didn't like to hear that. He said that what I am saying is a lot of my opinion. He values my opinion in this but he just doesn't think this is going to fly the way it is. What I am hearing from him is he needs to talk to someone who deals with these things and what the best approach is. When Penelope's social worker calls, I'm going to see if she will call my brother and answer his questions. I don't know if she will be able to do that, but I can't think of who else to refer him to. I'm pretty sure Penelope's therapist holds very little credibility in his eyes.
Despite this, we are trying to keep our relationship. I am going over his house this evening to help him with his resume. I worry all the time if he hates me or blames me. I will not allow Penelope to ruin my relationship with my twin brother and his family. I worry about his wife blaming me. She looks at Penelope with even less tolerance than my brother does. And I want to see my neice and nephew and give them big hugs. I hope it goes well.
I have already called the 1st choice facility that the Social Worker recommended. I have talked to a couple people there already. They do not take private insurance, only Medicaid. I've applied for that but haven't received anything yet. They do have a sliding scale self pay system. But they need to call me back to schedule the assessment.
George called me to find out how the visit went and I told him and told him about setting up the appointment with the facility we were referred to. He didn't like the fact they don't take private insurance. He feels that is a sign that it's a type of place that..... he couldn't figure out the right words. I said "poor people go?" He said "No, no.. just..." and said "where it's not just kids that have been abused but also their parents who have issues. Those places don't have the best doctors or therapists because they don't pay very well." What he really wanted to say was that the people that go to those places are all... you know... black. I know how that ass thinks. I should have told him that Penelope's social worker is black.. and that I told her that he used to be a member of the KKK. I didn't tell her that - it wasn't relevant. And honestly I'm ashamed I'm related to someone that was. I haven't yet written in this post how I hate George. I hate George. Anyway, he said it would probably be better to get a second opinion from .... I cut him off. I said to him, "We are not back on to this second opinion crap. We are not getting a second opinion. I want her to get therapy that addresses her sexual abuse issues and I can't think of a better place than a place that specializes in treatment for abuse. I will see if it's the right place for her and if it's not I will go from there." ASS! I hate him. I already said that.
Therapy has been difficult to say the least. I talked about her last therapy session in my last post. This past session was difficult to be a part of. [WARNING: THE NEXT PART OF MY POST IS DETAILING HER LAST THERAPY SESSION AND IT DEALT WITH SEX ISSUES THAT YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT] I debated whether I wanted to detail it or not but that the purpose of my blog is to document and share our experiences and be able to say as much as I can without disclosing identity. The last session we talked about that the two main issues we are dealing with is her lack of conscience and remorse, as well as Penelope's sex obsession. Her therapist Beth wanted to gauge how much Penelope thinks about sex. Also, we have to figure out how she can release this sexual energy in a more appropriate way. I like to think I'm an open-minded person when it comes to the topic of sex - and about how it relates to Penelope and her abuse and talking to her about it. But my open-mindedness may be more limited than I thought. Or at least, the direction we may be going may be just more than I expected.
Before Beth talked to Penelope, she talked about possible ways for Penelope to release her sexual energy in more appropriate ways. Masturbation was the topic. They said they have a client, whose mother bought her daughter a vibrator two years ago, when she was 10 years old! I took from her tone that she wasn't necessarily against the idea but it wasn't based on their recommendation. Besides being taken aback by this thought, I stated I didn't think this was a good idea for Penelope because she doesn't have discretion or boundaries and would probably end up taking it to school but also I felt like she'd end up walking around constantly excited from over stimulation. They agreed but were at a loss for ideas. At that point Beth decided it would be best to determine how obsessed Penelope is with the topic and we could go from there. I went into the viewing room and watched Beth ask Penelope questions and determine that she is very obsessed with this topic. She needs to address these feelings and also have an outlet - because if we don't give her one, she will find it on her own. Penelope's ATs pretty much made it clear this is out of their expertise. They have worked with kids who have been sexually abused but this is beyond them. They said that if our case was in their county, Children Services would refer us to a particular facility for treatment and they are sure there will be something similar in our county. Not the case it seems.
Penelope has been for the moderately well-behaved. Her attention span is almost completely gone. Her grades have gone down the toilet. She is still rather happy and is always either whistling or singing. She lies constantly - but I sometimes wonder if she really knows she is. She seems to be in fantasy world. She isn't sleeping well at all. Her meds help her fall asleep but she is restless all night long. Then she wakes up extremely moody and defiant. She has been late to school three times this month already. Hopefully she gets a detention for her tardiness. I've asked for one for her at any rate.
I know that I am not helping her get better. I am not doing the parenting techniques that I know I am suppose to. I do want her to get better, and I know how my parenting of her affects that but my tolerance for her is so short, I snap at her and yell whenever she pisses me off. I just try to get through each day the best I can. One night a few days ago, I had yelled at her. I don't remember what it was about exactly but I think it involved her getting her nightly reading done. I went to check on her about 15 minutes later and she was just laying on her bed stairing into her nightstand lamp looking pretty depressed. I asked her what is wrong. She said she was sad but she didn't know why. I knew it was because I yelled but she didn't want to admit that. So I said it. I told her that she is going to have to put up with my yelling for time time being. I am still very mad. She said "I have to put up with you yelling all the time?"I told her I don't yell all the time but yell when I didn't before. She agreed that was the case. I told her that I do love her. I told her, right or wrong, that if I didn't love her, she wouldn't be here anymore. Which is true. She seemed to get the point.
I know in my heart that I need to start parenting her the way I use to, but I have some healing to do right now too. I can only do so much. I am barely hanging on as it is. I was barely hanging on before this so I honestly have no idea how I'm still here. I try to look into the future but I just don't see one right now. I don't know what is in store for us. I don't know how we are going to get through this. I don't know if I'm capable of doing all this.