A Day at a Time

Penelope went back to school on Wednesday and couldn't wait to go. I'm not surprised since she can get herself lost in normalcy there, like this never happened - she can pretend that there. She tries to pretend that at home, but it just pisses us off that much more. She wants to be able to say "I'm sorry!" and we all go "Okay" and move on. Not possible.
When I was dropping her off in the front of the school, I almost forgot to tell her that she isn't able to go to the after school tutoring program. This is run by the same people that ran the winter break program and I believe a lot of the same kids went to the winter break program. Not enough supervision. When she was getting out of the car, I told her that I was picking her up right after school, that she can't go to the church (where they go for tutoring) anymore. Before I could explain why and reiterate the whole trust issue thing, she slammed the door shut and stomped off towards school. Great. I hoped she could get her emotions in check before class - didn't intend to send her off all pissed off.
I spoke to Mrs. Brown and school went fine. She had lunch with Penelope in her classroom - which is a relatively common thing. There was another student there as well. She said that a student asked Penelope how her break went and Penelope said "It went good" and handled it appropriately. The only thing that she wanted to point out to me that was something we had discussed during the meeting to look out for is her need to escape to fantasy world. They had a writing assignment in class where the teacher gave them a scenario that they would be in and they had to say what would happen and Penelope's was very much fantasy. Not surprising.
She spent most of the evening in her room cleaning it - after she did her homework. My parents came over and we had dinner together. My mom stayed the night with us to help me out. I've been having a hard time just being around Penelope and being nice. Penelope told her I am always crying. Well, no shit.
Thursday we had a snow day. Penelope spent most of the day in her room cleaning it. You are probably thinking "How bad is this room?" Well, it's not that bad. It's no worse than any other kids room when it's dirty. Penelope has always hated cleaning her room - and this is actually a first where she has spent this much time cleaning. Usually she just fights it with all her might, even if she does do some work, she gives up after 5 or 10 minutes. The thing is, her brain is on fantasy mode and her anxiety is elevated and she is having a hard time focusing to get a lot done in a short period of time. That's fine with me. She can take as long as she likes. It keeps her busy and out of my hair.
I talked to my brother to find out what happened with the visit from Children Services and the police. He just gave a statement about what he knew at the police station. The appointment with Children Services went fine. They didn't speak to the kids, just him and his wife. Her purpose was to make sure the kids are safe and that Penelope isn't allowed to be around them. That isn't going to be a problem - ever. They set up a forensic interview for the kids for the next day. He also told me that they had told him what Penelope had told the police - something he wasn't aware of. I knew about it. Actually, it was the only thing I knew about in the very beginning, and I had told him, but he must have been in such shock he didn't comprehend or hear me. I felt so bad because we have had several conversations since then and I thought he knew. He sounded totally devistated. I just kept saying I was sorry. I am so sorry...
Thursday was also our regular scheduled attachment therapy appointment. Because of the weather, and I'm sure to be there for me, my dad wanted to drive us up. It was an all afternoon ordeal to get there, because it's an hour away on a good day so it took over two hours to get there and home on Thursday. We took the SUV and Penelope rode in the 3rd row and played her DS. We ended up being about 20 minutes early and Penelope went straight back and did her bioneurofeedback session. My dad and I went and spoke with Beth about everything. When Penelope was ready to come in, they therapists decided that they were going to do some holding therapy with her and we should watch from the viewing room over the TV. They haven't done holding therapy since her two week intensive over a year ago. I couldn't watch the screen. I just sat in the chair and stared at the wall.... and listened. Penelope was hard to hear and was using babytalk. They talked to her about what happened with her cousins. She disclosed something new that was just it for me, I can't believe her! They also asked about her abuse. I wasn't sure if I heard her right but she changed her story as to what happened to her and the boy. I asked my dad if I heard her correctly. She claimed a much less offense than what she told me a year ago. I recognize that these are the first people she has disclosed it to outside of me and with everything she is scared, but I'm not sure what to believe. We went back into the room with Penelope there and they talked to her about her feelings and curiosities and how she should have discussed them with me. They asked her why she didn't discuss them with me. She didn't know. I said it's because she knew I'd prevent her from doing it and she knew it was wrong and didn't want me to stop her. The therapists kinda looked at me like "Don't go there." I didn't care, I was so pissed. I told them that if it was an option, I'd pack her up and send her to her fathers. I can't look at her. All the therapudic parenting crap I'm suppose to do - I don't care. It's out the window. I snap at her, I yell at her. I don't care. My dad asked what it would do to Penelope if she did spend a few days with her father. I said that it would make her worse.. since he is perfectly fine with his disfunctional relationship with her. I still don't know he didn't do anything physical with her! He definitly messed her up emotionally when it comes to relationships and sex. They just said that she would probably view it was a reward for her actions. They said that it's understandable to feel this way and it may be good for Penelope to see how angry I am. But to recognize my limits of parenting her right now. They said that I should tell Children Services about how I feel, that I need respite care services. That they should be able to provide that. And if necessary, put her in foster care with therapudic parenting for a few weeks, but then they may not with the way funding is right now - that because George would be considered good enough, they may say she should go to him. I didn't think that was a good idea. I get a break, and she regresses and I have to deal with all that all over again. They said there really isn't any options. My dad said that he and my mom would try to take her as much as they can, at least weekends or something. I told them how she told me that the reason she did it was because she wants to make everyone so mad at her that we would kill her. They said they didn't buy that. She is trying to gain sympathy. They asked if we thought she was going to self-harm. I said that I have thought of that, but not really. She is so happy go lucky like nothing is wrong. She knows she is in trouble and what she did is wrong. But she doesn't understand why she has to experience some of the consequences. And she is blaming me for having to go through all this. They said she is definitely in denial and extremely narcissitic, trying redirect and blame others. But her narcissism is keeping her from focusing on herself and preventing her from wanting to hurt herself.
On the way home, I just broke down thinking about how sick she is, how she has horribly hurt everyone in our family. How much I love my niece and nephew and what she did to them.
My mom called me to find out how things went but I couldn't discuss it. I just told her that I would when we got home. I just don't want to talk. But she wouldn't get off the phone. I snapped at her and said "What!? What do you want!? Just spit it out!" She told me that she had talked to my brother and he is thinking of having Penelope charged. He wants her institutionalized. I told her I'm not surprised and I wouldn't blame him for feeling that way and I got off the phone.
I told my dad and he said that wouldn't help anything and feels that he is basing that off revenge and anger. But can you blame him?
When we got home, my mom said she was going to stay the night again, and that I was going to go stay at her house with my dad and she was going to stay the weekend with Penelope at our house. What a great idea.
Friday, Penelope's school had a 1 hour delay and I had to pick her up by 1pm for our appointment for a forensic interview. I spoke with Brandon, he had called me to let me know how his kids went. He was somewhat formal, angry really. He told me that it went fine, that they talked to the kids and videotaped it. He wasn't allowed to watch or be in the room and they wouldn't tell him anything but the Detective disagrees with that and offered to let him come up to the station and view the video. The detective described to him what happened. The youngest, being 3, didn't really participate but acted like a normal 3 year old. My nephew acted fine as well but he remembered everything and was very detailed. He told me something that he had described and it was mortifying. He said that they told him that they were acting fine during the interview but, more likely with the boy, that this could manifest itself years down the road. He told me about wanting to possibly having her charged. I told him I knew and I understood. I also told him what Penelope had disclosed at therapy. I had also called the Detective to make sure he knew and that we are cooperating completely. The detective said he already knew because my nephew told them during the interview. My brother said he knew as well. No one told me but why would they, I'm not the victim - I'm the guardian of the perpetrator. But I'm relieved they already knew though.
I took her to her forensic interview. When we got there, we learned that this was just about Penelope's abuse and nothing about what she did to her cousins. I also was introduced to the Children Services Investigator who will be investigating me. The interview wanted to talk to me first and she explained what was going to happen and we talked about what Penelope had told me and I did tell them about other people in her life that to me were high risk, including her father. I described the relationship she had with her dad but that I doubt Penelope would say anything negative about him. She doesn't view it as wrong.
After the interview, she told me that Penelope described what her friend did to her but since she is the same age as Penelope that legally they wouldn't do anything. She told me what Penelope said about the boy, which was basically what she told her therapists the day prior - which was a lot less than what she told me a year ago. She also embellished it with thing like she had a piece of metal and fended him off by threatening him and yelling at him. She said it's not uncommon for these kids to fantasize (sound familiar?) about having more power than she did in the situation. She said that in her opinion there isn't enough said and enough identifying information to pursue anything legally against the boy. But that the detective would get the video and take whatever appropriate action.
When we got into the car, I asked Penelope about what happened. I had talked to her briefly before she went in to her interview and told her that this was about her, not about what she did and that they are here to help her so she is safe and should be completely honest with them. I told her what she told them was different than what she told me about what happened to her. She said "I lied to you." Um.. okay.
When we got home, my dad showed up and my parents spent time with us. I was walking through the house, putting away some laundry, and I saw Penelope sitting in a chair in the living room with a big frown on her face. I asked her what was wrong. She said "Papaw told me my daddy hates me." I said "Oh, okay..." and kept walking through. I know that's not true and needed a second to process it. I put away what I had and went back to her. I told her "I don't think your dad hates you, but is very disappointed and upset, and possibly so angry with you that it may seem like he hates you, just like the rest of us. But like papaw and grandma and I, he loves you. I made a point to have my dad address it with her since this could simply been a means to triangulate us. He confronted her and she said "But that's what you meant." He corrected her. Shortly after that, I packed up a weekend bag and left with him for the weekend.
Saturday morning, I got a phone call from my mom who said that Penelope had woken up screaming in the middle of the night. She had a nightmare that her dad had killed himself. That he stabbed himself in the heart. She was fine after a few minutes but she obviously is still thinking about how her dad is feeling. Still, it's interesting that his opinion of her is by far more upsetting for her than my opinion, her grandparents, or especially her Uncle, Aunt and cousins. I told my mom I would call George and see if he was capable of talking to Penelope and reassuring her that he does still love her etc. He called me later that morning to ask about how her appointment the day prior. I answered his questions but then proceeded to tell him what I needed him to do and why. He said he didn't feel that talking to her on the phone would be good enough. He said that messages can be lost over the phone and that face to face would be better. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him seeing her so soon after Christmas as well as after what she did. He didn't understand why this would be a problem. I reminded him that he has an unhealthy relationship with her and that I feel like part of the reason she did what she did is because she saw him on Christmas! I said "Plus I'm being investigated. I'm not sure how that would be viewed." He said "Why would they have a problem with it??" I said, "Because of everything! Because of how she gets after seeing you." He kept going on about how he didn't understand why that would matter. I said "Fine! Whatever! It doesn't matter! I don't care anymore! Talk to Mom and Dad and ask them!" and I hung up. I found out later that he only called however my Mom had talked to him and she said he started pushing again to get someone else to see Penelope in order to determine if George is a piece of shit or not and should be permitted to see her whenever he wanted. My mom said she jumped him saying things like "Are you prepared to deal with all her problems? Do you feel like you can raise her?" He didn't understand why she was asking and she claims she backed down. I told her that if he knew that I was even remotely considering giving her back to him, he'd jump all over it. She said that he doesn't want her. I asked her if he said that and she said, no but she knows he doesn't. Okay.. Regardless, it seems he is having temporary amnesia again about what he has done for her. I asked my mom "Does he remember apologizing to her and if so what did he apologize for?" She said "He did want he knew he needed to do in order to get what he wanted." So we are back to that.
Before my conversation with George, I was on the phone with my other brother. He wanted to know how Penelope's appointment went the day before also. I told him and he listened. I don't think he was happy which is understandable. If she doesn't admit to her abuse, Children Services is going to have less cause to have her in some kind of treatment - I guess. I did ask him if it was true that he wants her locked up or institutionalized. He said it was something that he was considering. He more specifically wants her locked up. For him it's about her lack of remorse. I told him I understand where he is coming from, but how does he know having her locked up is an option? He said that when he first met with the police officer, that he was asked if he wanted Penelope locked up, or just charged, or just reported. Originally he just said that he just wanted it reported so she could get the help she needs, but after more has come out, and the way his son talked about it, he doesn't know if that will be enough. He wants to protect other kids from her. I again understand, but said that if I had known it was possible, I would never had allowed her around his kids. And now that we know, she won't be allowed around any kids outside of school. I'm not trying to prevent her from getting what is due to her, I just honestly don't know if it is truly an option. That the detective basically asked the same thing but that I took it as that he just wanted to know what he wanted. He told me, as well as Penelope, that she was not going to serve any jail time. That the worst thing that could happen is that she would get charged, have to be arrested, but just fill out some paperwork and then show up for court. I told him that I don't know if that is still true. Maybe with more information divulged, things have changed. But I think he should at least ask the Detective in order to determine if it's really an option so he doesn't waste time putting to much thought into it as an option. He didn't like hearing that and wanted off the phone - saying he had to go but would call me back. He didn't call me back.
It's Sunday night and I am at home and Penelope is in bed, tomorrow is a school day. I expect to get a phone call from Children Services to schedule the home visit. I don't know what else the Detective is going to need in order for the Prosecutor to determine if charges will be filed. But even if they don't, my brother might. If she is, she is. I just feel so bad for my brother and his family. I still can't be nice to Penelope. I just feel like if I'm nice to her, I'm violating my loyalty to my brother. He's my twin brother and I love him very much. I love his kids - they are beautiful and loving people. I feel horrible for their mother, my sister-in-law. I care for her very much and she is such a great mom and I just can't imagine how she is dealing with this. I was with her when I found out something happened, but I didn't tell her. I didn't know how. We were with all her co-workers and my brother and I agreed it would be best to wait until she was away from them. When I left the house we were at, I didn't know yet what happened, but just knew something bad had happened. I was so upset I almost threw up in her co-worker's front yard. I just want to tell her how sorry I am and how much I care for her. I just feel, regardless what my brother says, that she will never want to see me again and my brother will feel it's too hard to not just go along with that and not see me either. I did everything I knew to do, I obsessed over finding the right help for Penelope. I told her therapists and doctors everything I knew or suspected. I asked questions of everyone I could about Penelope's history. I sacrificed so much to help her, to be there for her, and regardless of how hard it was for me personally to become "Mom" I did it for her because she needed it.
I'm having a really hard time looking at her as someone who is sick and this is a result of her sickness, but rather as a monster. But I also blame her father. I hate him so much. I loathe him.