My mom called me Saturday morning - I was not at a good moment. I couldn't wait to take Penelope to tutor. I had already had a long 18 hours with her. My mom wanted to spend the day with me, take me to see a movie, or lunch.. maybe go to a salon and get our nails done. How could I possible do that? I means it's all nice and everything, but how I can possible go spend money on things like that with my financial situation. Regardless of that, I didn't want to. I didn't want to do those normal things. I had also made plans with my cousin from an estranged part of our family who my twin brother and I have recently started to talk to. We got together last week and she is so very supportive. She invited me to hang out with her and her family at her house Saturday night. My mom is unaware of my relationship to my cousin and it's just not something I want to deal with right now so I didn't tell her about my plans. Not that she really asked, just insisted on spending the day with me, even though I told her I didn't want to go anywhere. She assumed I just wanted to sleep, because in her mind that's alllll I probably do. Sleep is a luxury that escapes me lately lol. I took a two hour nap last weekend and well, it was the best sleep I've gotten in such a long time. I don't sleep well at night and I can't sleep during the day.
I told her that it would be nice for her to spend the day with me but I have no intentions of going anywhere. I really liked the idea of my mom being here for me. She has got warm hands that feels great when she is petting your head. Yes, I'm 34 and love when my mom lovingly rubs my head. It mealts the tension. I really needed her.
So, let's go back to where I left off at my last post. Since it seems every day there is SOMETHING. Friday, I received a text message from Penelope's teacher, Mrs. Brown, that said that Penelope has a phone number in her pocket from two brothers. She promised her that she would tell me about it. When I picked Penelope up from school, she seemed irritated, pissy really. I asked about her day and I got the newly standard answer "Fine." I kept looking at her because she looked angry and I asked her about it. She told me that this boy - I'll call him Jeremy - got her in trouble. I asked her to explain. She said she was him staring at her and he looked back at him and he said "What??" and she said "'Nothing.. you are staring at me.' Then he told Ms. Knob on me and she believed him not me." It didn't really make any sense and you could tell she was either leaving pieces out or made it up by the way she thinking before each thing she said. That wasn't important to me though, this phone number she has is. I gave her the opportunity to tell me about this phone number and she didn't. Usually she would under normal circumstances. Not anymore I guess. I texted Mrs. Brown back and told her she didn't tell me yet, but this is why she doesn't have a cell phone and I don't have a landline. She has asked about Penelope having a cell phone before - I just don't picture that would happen any time soon. I also said that I was curious how long it would be before she tell me, and that I'd let her know. Her response was also, that Penelope asked this Jeremy in her class to be her boyfriend, but he turned her down. Ahh, so that's what that story was about. I told her about the story.
I debated about what to do about the phone number and this new news about Jeremy. I decided if she didn't say anything by dinner, I'd bring it up. She didn't, so I brought it up at dinner. I asked her if there was anything she was suppose to tell me. She didn't know what I was talking about. When I disclosed what I knew, she looked mad. I said "You promised Mrs. Brown you'd tell me and you didn't." She said "I was going to tell you.... Just not today." Not until she could be in a position to call the number I guess. I held out my hand and reluctantly she gave it to me. I asked one of them was in her class, or what. She said they were the boys at therapy. What?? Oh my God! When we went up to attachment therapy, there were these two boys in the waiting room. One looked about her age, the other was a year or two older. They both seemed kind of punkish - like troubled boys. Well, you aren't in this place unless you have trauma or attachment issues. They were being borderline disruptive in the waiting room while we were waiting, and other family. But since Beth wasn't there, Penelope had to wait in the waiting room while Carrie and I talked. The other family had left, and the receptionist had gone off duty. I forgot she left shortly after our session is suppose to start. So, during the 30 minutes I was in with Carrie, these two boys and Penelope had been left unattended. During that time, at a minimum, they gave her their phone number. I talked to Penelope about keeping things from me. I told her that one of the things that keeps things good between us is her openness with me. That I am here to help her. When she stops telling me things, then things will get very tight around here. We've talked about that, because basically that's what has kept her out of the hospital on several occasions. She tells me when she feels like hurting herself, or me. She hasn't wanted to in a while - supposedly. After I talked a little bit about honesty, she confessed that she had also given them her number - which is my cell number. No worries there. She said that the one boy kept saying that the other boy liked her. Hopefully that's all that transpired. Ugh, I can't believe I wasn't more careful with her. I also told her I knew about Jeremy turning her down. I told her that I am sorry she was rejected but we have talked about her and boyfriends right now. She needs to focus on herself and not worry about getting a boyfriend right now. She denied denied denied. Well, the message was sent. But obviously she is now into keeping potentially dangerous secrets. She claims she was afraid I was going to yell at her. These are not the situations where I yell. I can handle my emotions in these situations. I know that she needs to be able to feel like she can tell me things. I reminded her that every time she had told me things that has done or was a part of, I have never yelled. She agreed.
But I know that isn't the reason she didn't tell me. She didn't tell me because she wanted to do what she wanted without me knowing.
After dinner she watched a movie. I told her once she was done, she needed to clean out the litter boxes. She agreed to do it. But the next thing I know I forgot and it was bed time and I wanted her to go to bed.
After I put her to bed I remembered that she didn't do her chore. I decided to have her do it in the morning. I think that's where my frustration started.
I didn't sleep well at all that night, finally falling asleep in time to not wake up to my alarm - to get up before Penelope does. Did I hear her door alarm go off? Maybe, but I don't remember. I found her standing over me. I snapped at her to get out of my room.
She had already been up long enough to be in full bouncing off the walls un-medicated mode. I got up and got her meds in her. I told her that she needs to clean out the litter boxes before I would make her breakfast. She also needed to shower but I know better than to tell her that in advance. But it took her 15 minutes to partly clean out one box. It would take an hour for her to clean out the 3 at this rate. We didn't have time. I told her to put it down and take a shower and THEN I'll make her breakfast. Food is a motivator sometimes in the morning. When she sang as loud as she could in the shower, I did the litter boxes, and laid out her things to wear and to pack for her time with her grandparents. She finally came out of the shower and got dressed. She had to go downstairs to get her backpack she left in her play room. I told her to get the overnight bag from where we keep our luggage so she can pack up her overnight stuff. She was down there for a while. She started playing. I got her to come up and told her to pack her bag. She didn't take the bag any further than the top of the steps. I went to take it into her room so she can pack but when I picked it up I found it was full of toys. I asked where she planned on putting her clothes. All she said was "Oh." I told her she needed to figure it out. I then emailed her tutor letting her know that we were probably going to be late and will be there as Penelope gets done being in la la land.
Finally we left with Penelope caring three bags, her backpack, a suitcase full of toys, and a bag with clothes. Fine. The benefit of having her tutor be Laurie is she gets it and doesn't think twice about these kinds of things.
I haven't talked about our insurance issues and it's just one more thing but I had to get one of her prescriptions filled and I was told that it would be covered by Saturday. But...
My mom came over and she TRIED to talk me into going out.. We talked a bit, we bathed Drew (I'll talk about him later) and we watched a movie. It was nice - minus some of the talking. But it was good.
It was too late to go over my cousins, and I had already emailed her with change in plans earlier in the day. She understood but left the door open to come when she leaves. I called my twin brother to see if I could come over on Sunday (today) to take advantage of the opportunity to visit them without Penelope. They already had plans to attend a kids birthday party. Will try again soon.
Another sleepless night but at least I got to sleep in this morning so I feel much better. My parents will be here in a few hours with Penelope and the weekend will be over. But my mom is going to be coming by in the afternoons she said - at least Monday and Tuesday. That will be nice.
2 comments:
How totally RADish of her to only want to tell you about the boys on her terms and only when she was ready. I think you are right on that she wanted to maybe see what else she could get away with before telling you. I have those conversations daily with both Song and Pumpkin about worrying about themselves first, and boyfriends later.
So glad you got to rest up a little. There were days early in Song's recovery when I took a nap every day. I didn't get much done.
I felt I had to prioritize my life, and the cobwebs in the corner just didn't make the list.
Humor will help keep you sane. The nonsense questions alone will make you crazy. I don't answer them any more. Yesterday Pixie asked what was in Pumpkins hair. It was a headband. I told her it was an elephant, and walked away.
Know that you are not alone in your fight. We are out here fighting the fight right along with you. Don't let it isolate you, do something nice for yourself, even if it is only taking a hot bath, and for Pete's sake, get an alarm on YOUR door too!
Funny story about Digger this time. We first had him when he was 2, he went home to bio mom, then ended up in placement again. Anyway, eventually he made his way back to our home. When he came back he was 4 years old. I would wake up in the morning, and he would be putting lotion on my hands or brushing my hair. Such a sweet boy, but it was a little creepy! :)
That made me laugh, that is creepy! but sweet. I like your tip on the nonsense questions - I will have to start doing that. She goes through periods where she does one "RADish" thing and then drop it for maybe even months and then it pops it's ugly head up again and I have to remember how I've handled it in the past. Keeps one on her toes. I definitely think I have that PTSD that parents get from raising their child with RAD.
Humor does help a lot. The hard part, is where I see the humor, most people (non RAD parents) would find alarming. Like for example when we were walking to our car to leave, and the janitor from Penelope's primary school was rolling out the trash (her old school is behind our house). She was whistling and singing and doing some crazy happy dance jig thing. He waved at her and was laughing busting her on her private moment and yelled over laughing "Penelope, you kill me!" She got all serious "I wouldn't do that!" Kill him that is. He didn't understand and I wasn't going to explain it. "Um, yes Mr. Janitor, Penelope sometimes wants to kill people, but she is letting you know you are not one of them." Too funny.
And yes, I need to get an alarm on my door. lol.
I'm going to go do something nice for myself and go watch NCIS. Then I am going to blog about our appointment that we had today that I've been looking forward to for a couple of weeks - where we will get referred off for some more help for Penelope and I. Thanks for the comment you posted. :)
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