It's been a while since I've posted. I am just emotionally numb, which is an improvement to the constant sadness and anger and guilt I have been typically fighting with. It all came back again last night at attachment therapy. Last week's attachment therapy went short because Beth wasn't there. Just Carrie. Carrie does the bioneurfeedback and depending on her schedule, sits in with Penelope after Beth and I have gone over everything that's gone on and tried to figure out what to do next. When Beth isn't there, Penelope just gets her bioneurofeedback. Beth wasn't there... again. Her mother had a medical emergency. Obviously that's more important, but it's not like it's rare that Beth isn't there. It happens at least once a month, and then because of the holidays, a time we really need more support, the last two weeks we didn't have an appointment. And then she isn't there. It definitely makes it hard to feel supported. I already have feelings like when we have a crisis, she isn't available for us. Every crisis we have had, I haven't been able to get a hold of her and she doesn't have availability to get us in the office prior than our standing weekly appointment. In the past, I just have tried to look at that from the stance that "What really can she do over the phone or in a earlier appointment.." But I recently just feel... abandoned really.. I mean I know this is just her job but this is our life. It takes us over an hour to and from their office to show up and find out that she isn't there.
Then Saturday, Penelope had tutor with her favorite person, Laurie. Laurie figured out that Penelope hadn't been doing her work and called her out on it. Penelope saw it as Laurie not believing her. I got a call halfway through her tutor session asking to pick Penelope up 25 minutes late because Penelope has to do chores for restitution for not having her reading done etc. Not a first and not surprising. When I picked up Penelope she was happy and content with having to do chores and said that her tutor session went fine. But then later that day I got a voicemail from Laurie talking about how much attitude Penelope gave her, how defiant, and how she has never acted that way with her. Great.. Not a good sign - the fact it happened and then the fact that she was covering it up. I brought it up nonchalantly at dinner and she got upset to learn that I knew what happened. She went on about how Laurie didn't believe her. I asked her if she has not had her reading log completed because she hadn't read before? Yes, several times. So it would be understandable for her not to believe her this time. She agreed - sort of.
Sunday, we did weekend chores - changed linens, laundry, floors etc. She was good about her chores - I think I broke her on the chores issue. She did chores for 2 weeks straight after abusing her cousins. Her grandparents were coming over for our weekly Sunday night dinner that we have either at our home or theirs. I gave her about a two hour heads up because after her chores she played in her play room. She was excited because she wanted to set up her play room for when Grandma gets there. Dinner is at 7pm and they are getting there at 6pm. She knows bedtime is 9pm. After dinner, she wants to hurry and go play with Grandma. Papaw asks her if she has her homework done. Penelope hesitates. I asked about her Social Studies that she told me about on Friday. I assumed it was done at tutor but I learned she never mentioned her Social Studies at tutor when she gave me a dirty stare and said "no." Grandma said very lightly "Oh, well you just need to get your homework done before we can play. So get to it." She grunted and folded her hands with a big pouty face. I asked her "What is more important? Playing or homework?" She grunted again and said "I am not saying." I pointed out that It's 7:45 and the longer she sits there the less time she has. She has 1:15 to get her homework done and play before bedtime. 30 minutes of that has to be designated for reading. You could see her do the math in her head. She slammed her chair back and ran into her room throwing herself onto her bed. She just kept repeating "I WANT TO PLAY!" I honestly at the moment didn't know what to do. I went in and tried to get her to calm down, not addressing her want but just her tantrum. But I learned at that moment she was mad at me for ratting her out about her Social Studies. Of course. My parents just sat in the dining room stunned with her behavior. I told them I was going to need them to leave. That Penelope was going to need to go to bed early. Homework was obviously not going to happen, and neither is playtime. She will just continue to throw her tantrum and look for their sympathy if they stick around. I was able to get her to take her nighttime pills - it was that time anyway. She continued to grunt and complain and wouldn't talk to me. My dad went in her room, in hopes she would do some of her homework. He ended up reading to her some of the book she is reading until she was ready to fall asleep.
She slept pretty good for the first time in a while, I think at least. I didn't hear her get up through out the night. Minus the fact she left a trail wherever she went, she was able to get dressed and eat breakfast in time to be on time for school. She has been tardy almost every other day the past few weeks. I've asked about her earning a detention but she hasn't received any. Someone there thinks that is helping - but they are wrong.
Then Monday I found out my house is going into foreclosure. I know I said before that my dad said he wasn't going to allow me to lose my house, but I don't blame him. He has done so much for us already. We all have our limits. I've applied for some kind of loan modification but without a decent job, the likelihood of that happening is slim I'm sure. I can't talk about what will have to happen to us if I do lose my house. It's too depressing.
Tuesday, (besides her being late for school, again) I got Penelope out of school early and we went to our 2:30 appointment with the place we were referred to by Childrens' Services. However, we didn't have an appointment for Tuesday - even though I confirmed it with the person who I set it up with. It's not until 2:30 NEXT Tuesday. This was another large disappointment because this was suppose to be the time I get to figure out what our options are for treatment for her. To have a clue what I'm suppose to do with her and all this. It's also suppose to be when I find out what help I can get so I can not be such a mess myself.
Yesterday we had our weekly attachment therapy appointment. I got a weird voicemail from the receptionist confirming the appointment - something they never do and I was half expecting it to be letting me know that Beth isn't going to be there. I was hoping her mother was okay. She is in her 90s and was hoping not to get a call from them because that would mean something bad. It was a weird voicemail because she never said who she was, where she was calling from and kept messing up the date and time. That was the only thing that tipped me off who it was because every time she has called me about changing the time due to weather etc. she always trips over her words. But to me, this was confirmation that Beth WAS going to be there. On the trip up I thought to myself "If she isn't there, we are leaving and not keeping the appointment - and I'm going to quit them." When it was our time, Carrie came out and Penelope got up to go with her to do her bioneurofeedback. But she said "I want to talk to your Mom first." Um, okay.. Maybe Beth's mom did die. Something is wrong. Nope. It's just Beth isn't there again. She is on vacation in Mexico! But Carrie knew enough to know that I needed support. I just broke down. I need more support than she can give me. I told her that I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm losing my house, I am still having a really hard time being around Penelope, she is getting worse, her school is allowing it to get worse, I practically had to beg for services from Children Services, that respite care is only for foster parents, that we went to the appointment scheduled and they said it's not until next week, her mother doesn't know what happened but has been emailing me, her father doesn't like where I'm taking Penelope for services but wants a "second opinion" about his visitation status - I'm just spent. She ranted a little about Children Services - that if I had men in and out of my house, and had a drug problem -I'd get all kinds of services. I told her that I don't understand how they can't be more lax'd about offering services since I'm a relative who is saving them money than having her in their system. She agreed but it's nothing we can do anything about. She asked me if I wanted to continue to do it. I told her I don't know! If I say no and give her over to one of her parents, how will that help anything? It won't. I just don't know if I CAN do it. I can't see a month from now. Two months from now. I don't have any foreseeable options. She agrees that I'm pretty much have no options. Vented about the system a little bit more.. Then we talked about have to move forward with parenting Penelope. She knows that I am struggling with being nurturing and have put up this wall and have guilt because that's probably why she isn't getting better. She said that Penelope will always want that nurturing side and will eat it up and it will never be enough. What I should do is put up that emotional wall and parent her at arms length and do what I've been doing. I've provided her with what she needs, just not with all that she wants. She needs the stability, consistency, and care. Love is not enough. I need to keep things structured and continue to hold her accountable. I shouldn't be in charge of her healing, she should be. I can't do it alone.
She wanted to start by having a talk with Penelope about her behaviors and felt she was strong enough to hear it. She brought Penelope back to her office and Penelope saw that I had been crying and just looked at me with an examining type of expression. Carrie asked her how she thought things were going. Penelope said she thought okay. Carrie brought up some of the things I had told her like the mornings. Carrie told her that it was her responsibility to get herself off to school on time. That from now on if she is not ready,I was going to call the school and let them know that she was going to be late or not in at all because she isn't dressed. Eventually, they will have to call the police and they will have to force you to go to school. Penelope just looked at her with daggers in her eyes. Then a few minutes later she started to cover her eyes and cry. She didn't do the baby stuff she usually does with Beth, pulling her coat up over her face and not talking. I thought that was interesting. Carrie asked her why she was upset. Penelope said because she is stupid, doing stupid things. Carrie asked her how it feels to make stupid decisions. Penelope said she is unhappy and she wants to be happy like she was for those two weeks - referring to a little bit longer than that period when she was in "happyland" several months ago. Carrie said "So it hurts you to make these stupid decisions. Well, then quit hurting yourself. Do you think you can stop hurting yourself and make better decisions?" Penelope said she could.
But she can't - obviously. She "forgot" some homework she had to do that I reminded her off once we got home that is always due on Friday. But she didn't want to do it, she wanted to play. She would do it at 8:55. Bedtime is at 9:00. I told her that she can't do her homework past 9:00, it's bedtime. I didn't force her to do her homework - it's not my responsibility. When I found her in her room at 9:05 trying to do her homework, I told her to put it away. She held it like she was going to rip it in half, threatening - saying "I should just rip it up and get an F then. I should just stop doing my homework and get an F and then fail and have to stay in 6th grade and fail again and stay again and again and again!" I said "If that is what you want." She didn't like that. I told her "Bedtime is 9:00. If you want to get up early and finish it, that's up to you." She said she would do it in the morning but didn't want to get up early and set her alarm for her regular time. She tried to get her homework done this morning, but didn't have enough time. She was actually upset by this.
I called my mom and asked if I could get a break this weekend. She talked to my dad and they are going to take her after her tutoring session on Saturday until Sunday night. It's not long enough, but anything more is selfish.
4 comments:
I cannot fathom the amount of stress your under...As stressful as things have been in my home, at least I feel some relief in that I get to share the burden, and the journey with my husband. I'm not at all trying to push you, so please don't be offended by my suggestion- it's just that, a suggestion. I see in your writing, in your feelings, in your stress level the same dangerous level of stress that we were living with. You've reached a place where it seems the symptoms have outgrown your resources- the school, your family support, and even your attachment therapists. I know that it is HUGE in the RAD community, to NEVER send your child away to residential or accute care... that this would be seen as rejection or abandonment. This was one of our hugest fears with Cherry. After having experienced the type of support, the intensity and frequency of the therapy she's recieving, AND the little bit of respite the rest of us our experiencing, I couldn't disagree more. Cherry is told from sun up, to sun down that we put her there because we love her, because WE are not able to fix her behaviors, and because we want so badly for her to have a happier life. Is it a perfect situation- no. Does it feel good- no. Do I think this is her best shot- yes. There are some real and very serious behaviors you're seeing in Penelope. Now, she's old enough that she will begin to be labeled permanently if she continues down the path she's on. I know that it is complicated for you to find this kind of care (at least that's what I gather from you're writing), and I also assume that you feel like I did- you're not going to stop, until someone else tells you to, because you will allow yourself to feel all kinds of guilt. If it's worth anthing at all- I think you should feel at peace with sending her somewhere for more intensive care. I think you NEED a break, as much as she needs the therapy. Contrary to popular belief, most facilities are VERY familiar with RAD and can make great strides with Children who have supportive families ready to continue the work when they come home. It could be a good move for you. It would allow YOU a much needed break from the type of stress you're experiencing now. You and I both know that we have a snowball's chance in Hell with our kids if WE our not our strongest selves. Likewise, when your supports are no longer functioning or conquering the behaviors then maybe it's time to try something else? I've been thinking of you and hoping you find some clarity in all this...
Hi Mrs. Roma,
Thank you for all that you said. I have been thinking about residential care for Penelope. Her behavior keeps changing for the worse. But so far, the professionals that I've talked to all believe that her being hospitalized is counterproductive for her. I think if she ends up back in the hospital for emergency care - which I can see happen if at some point she crashes for her extreme high she seems to be experiencing - it would be something considered. I do have a hard time too seeing how it would help her. I know when I was away the entire weekend two weeks ago, she missed me "sooooo much" and was very clingy. She doesn't do the pushing away that she did for so long before. Now, she is afraid of making me mad or disappointing me. She still has so many RAD issues but there is something else going on. Regardless, right now my feelings of having her in residential care is more about me and my need for her to be away from me than what is in her benefit. Isn't that horrible? So yes, I'm having a lot of guilt at the thought of putting her in residential care. But even with that, her's the wonderful catch. Her mother, Harriet, who even though hasn't seen Penelope in over 1 1/2 years because she refuses to seek therapy beyond her meds which in themselves are not working or she isn't taking or she is using alcohol which doesn't mix well with her meds, is on Social Security Disability due to mental illness, who is in total denial about the "alleged" abuse Penelope has sustained from her hand, who has already voiced to everyone else how horrible it is that Penelope has had to endure the trauma of any hospital care so far, would not tolerate Penelope being put in residential care - especially if it's not within 30 minutes of her house so she feels like she has a choice of seeing Penelope if she wanted to. Even with all that, because she has directly harmed Penelope recently, and the past hasn't been proven in a court of law, I've been told that if she filed for custody, she'd probably get it. Would she file for custody is the question - because we know she doesn't want her - but her mother, who is more concerned about perception and appearance would never allow Harriet to allow Penelope be put in residential care. The only way it could happen is if Penelope had a total breakdown and her doctors said that there was no other option - that Penelope is chemically crazy - not reactive. That way it's not the result of her daughter but an unfortunate illness.
You are completely right about how I feel - that I won't stop until either I'm nothing, or someone makes me. There is too much guilt. It's a violation of my morals. I get offended by people who say "It's too much" or something like that - like a child doesn't deserve everything we are capable of giving. To me it's like saying that they are not worth it.
Do know you did not offend me and I wasn't speaking of you being one who offends me. I have read what you have and go through and I have related to your pain in so many ways. And I don't want you to think that I'm fully against residential care or think that any parent who makes that decision is giving up on their child. I do believe residential care is best for Cherry right now, with her specific needs and symptoms. I see similar narcissistic tendencies starting to come from Penelope. But in my mind, the need for residential care should be based on safety for the child and others (like Cherry's siblings - which Penelope doesn't have), therapy that can't be provided at home, and how much the experience would be traumatizing or not in itself. Penelope doesn't do those things anymore kids with RAD do to protect themselves from feeling pain from a new abandonment. She doesn't push me away, she treasures every materialistic item she receives like it's an heirloom - not breaking it, she can't stand being away from me more than a couple of days....
Anyway, I do need clarity.. My mind is so muddy with all the things that are going on, all the things to contemplate, the fears, the unknown, while still trying to just make it through the day the best I can, trying to carry all this while trying not to let it show to Penelope.
I do appreciate all your words and thank you for saying them. I am thankful that you have your husband to go through this with - I'm envious of having that in-home support. But I am so thankful for my parents. Even though they live 45 minutes away, in another state even, they could live 10 minutes from me by the way they are there for me.
Hello,
Being an Attachment Therapist, I often find myself in conflict with the current clinical climate regarding keeping RAD kids at home at any cost. Not that you asked for my opinion...I believe that RAD kids need a safe, sane, emotionally balanced parent(s) in order to feel the level of safety they need to feel to heal at home. When a parent is continually dysregulated due to complex trauma in the child, then the parent cannot create that environment consistently enough.
Residential treatment is a way to create a safer environment than the home environment once the parent is too stressed to do so. Residential staff/caregivers are paid to stay regulated. They get to go home at the end of their shifts and get attached soothing (hopefully) from their own lives. Parents do not get to do that. If they could, then RAD children would heal much more easily at home.
To that end, I often recommend residential treatment for RAD kids. Of course finding a good facility is essential; however, they do exist. Parents need a chance to resolve their PTSD symptoms, so they can again parent in a safe, emotionally stable way when their RAD child is ready to come home and begin again.
Finally, I hope you are talking with your attachment therapists about your feelings of abandonment. They need to know, so they can be part of your continued healing and regulation. If you let them know and they cannot attune to you enough of the time for you to be soothed and regulated, then you might need to transition, or (as Mrs. Roma stated so eloquently) the symptoms might have outgrown the capacity of the out-patient services.
I am sending you big love and appreciation for your continued parenting of Penelope. My own RAD kids (2) are much better after residential treatment. They have a better understanding of themselves and I have a better grip on my emotions. Those two things alone are worth gold.
Ce
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