I think about that on somewhat of a frequent basis. Penelope is 12 years old, most of the kids in her grade are 11 going on 12. What kids are exposed to, how schools are run, and what home life is like, is different now than when I was that age. Plus, in our dynamic, it's just Penelope and I (and our 3 cats - Penelope never let's me exclude them when describing our family.) My family dynamic growing up was both my birth parents and two brothers.. oh, and the family dog. So, Penelope gets more mom and daughter time than I did. I enjoyed my alone time, so I do think about that - making sure I give her space. But, I also know I can't go "This is what I thought, so that's what she is thinking." She is in so many ways totally different than me. It has nothing to do with the fact she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, but that we cared about totally different things at the age of 12. As she is emotionally immature, I was much older than her at this age. I was too serious, stressed about school, and was babysitting for money other people's kids. I can't imagine Penelope babysitting anyone! The thought... I walked home from school on a frequent basis from age 9 until high school. (HS was too far away.) My parents worked until late every night. It wasn't uncommon for dinner to be on the table at 8 or 9 or 10 at night. It was normal for us. That would leave my twin brother and I at home several hours every night with no supervision. That's my memory at least. We were mature and responsible enough to do that and not have any problems. Our street was full of boys so my brother was usually out playing. I liked to read and watched TV, talk on the phone with my friends, and do whatever. I'd get my homework done at some point. No big deal. However, Penelope is hardly ever EVER left alone. I will say, we are testing those boundaries with her this school year. She is allowed to walk home from school, but as long as she has someone to walk with. She isn't allowed to ride her bike though - can travel farther on bike. She still isn't home by herself alone. I'm not sure if that's ever going to be a possibility. Maybe to run to the store or something. But as she hits her teens, other concerns (boys) come up. My parents were lucky that my brother and I were generally good kids. We weren't pristine by any means -but we didn't take advantage of this freedom like some of our friends would have or have. But that's a whole other topic.
So I have this 12 year old, who is smart and creative, and in a lot of ways just like every other kid her age. However, she also has experienced a lot of things that no child should ever have to endure - and at such a young age. So as she has aged, and her mental and emotional health improves, her mental, psychical and intellectual age increases, she processes differently throughout. Then, on top of that, here I am trying to be her spotter, arms out looking up ready to shift left or right to catch her - trying to spot signs and symptoms, be reading for the onset of some significant emotional outburst or meltdown, or at least continue to show her that I'm her strength and can be trusted.
Okay, so this past week, we had a head-scratcher of an experience - which caused all the prior thoughts and many more. Penelope is starting to have an upswing on her social life. Probably more friends/friendly acquaintances than she has had before. She still has certain kids that she still complains about that pick on her or whatnot. Now, it's boys rather than girls. So, this past Tuesday, she walked home with one of her newer friends - no problem. She knew she had a curfew. Before her curfew, she called because she wanted to have more time with her friend to finish a Social Studies assignment - they were going to do it at the playground (2 minutes from our house, ajacent to her friend's house). I said that was fine, knowing they wanted to play also. Gave her an extra 30 minutes. She called before that 30 minutes was up to ask for an extentions and I said no. She accepted it with no problems and was home on time. But she had a TON of homework. She spent another 1 1/2 hours on her homework - making me wonder what in the heck she did for the 1 h 45 minutes at the after-school tutoring program. That is where she met this friend so I'm thinking maybe too much socializing after school. Something I needed to investigate and cut off - with the understanding that I'm not doing this because I "care" about her homework, but that she performs better on homework for the people at school so what doesn't get done there, may not get done at all. It's the approach that works and it might be a crazy thing but try to only do what works. Penelope is typically fairly good about homework at home but it took her forever to get it all done. She kept distracting herself and even at one point put everything down and wanted to "Ask me a question." Whenever she says "I want to ask you a question," I cringe. That statement and "I need to tell you something." But her question was that she wanted to know if she could go to a party that was being thrown for her. Do what? It was to be a surprise party for her by her friend that she walked home with and another girl. I asked her why these girls were throwing her a surprise party? She said that they wanted to help her with her self confidence and let her know she has friends. Do what? I asked "Why would they think you need help with these things?" She shifted uncomfortably and said "I don't know.. um.. Can I go?" She wouldn't elaborate more than "I don't know." I told her that I needed to talk to her friend's mom (the owner of the planned location). She didn't seemed to like that answer but accepted it and said she'd let them know. Obvious red flag.
Then the next day, I got a phone call from Mrs. Brown at school. She wanted to let me know about a conversation she had with Penelope. She first wanted to tell me how Penelope's morning went in Lit class. She came to class all disheveled and unorganized. She didn't seem discheveled when I dropped her off but she has been running it to the last few minutes in the morning. Because of that, I did hand feed her the pills this particular morning. It saved us probably 10 minutes. She had a test and was acting very uncharacteristic - unfocused, uninterested etc. She was even defiant with her teacher about it. Mrs. Brown called her to see her after class to find out what was going on. Penelope confided in her that she had something on her mind. The day before, while walking home, her friend had told Penelope that she should be a lesbian because of her sexual abuse. UGH. Mrs. Brown wanted to also let me know how she responded to Penelope. She told her that people don't choose to be a lesbian or not, but are one or not. She knows Penelope likes boys so she knows she isn't a lesbian. Even I know this can be a controversal subject, I have the same opinion about sexual orientation so I was perfectly fine with this response. We discussed the whole situation and concerns about how to address it as well as how it could get blown out of proportion. I don't want, and no one needs another repeat of last school year with Penelope's pregnancy rumor. We don't need a rumor going around that Penelope is a lesbian. These kids are too immature to deal with this whole concept. Okay, that's the social implications. More importantly, Penelope needed to be talked to in order to help her process her feelings and understand a better way to deal with these thoughts and feelings.
Penelope was sexually abused - so all signs point to. No one has ever been charged and there is no evidence directly surporting this allegation. However, Penelope has been acting out sexually ever since I took her in at age 8 and over time, she started to tell me bits of a story that happened to her and last year eventually told me about her abuse. Not in great detail. Maybe that will come with age. But what I was able to gather is that the person that abused her lived within a multi-generation household where it seems many if not all the kids had been abused themselves and in turn have acted out towards other people. A boy is the accused, by his younger sister, who all information gathered, had also been abused had acted out sexually with Penelope. This girl was Penelope's best friend, the younger sister of a young man who was Penelope's dad's best friend - who lived with George and Penelope and had admitted to George during this time that he had been abused himself. Even before I found out about who and that George's friend had been abused - having my suspicions about Penelope's abuse due to her sexualized behaviors - he was high on my list of suspect because of the way he acted. I still wouldn't be surprised if he didn't and that comes out some day. But, at this point, it seems Penelope has shared some of her experiences with this 11 year old friend of hers. So I can see a young kid like this, in an attempt to "help" her friend - think this is a solution. God bless her. So Penelope and I talked about two issues - her "lesbian"ism, and sharing of information. I also wanted to be sensitive to that fact that she did share this information with her teacher and I don't want to prevent that. We still have some talking to do but it is an uncomfortable topic for Penelope - the lesbian part of of it, so we still have some work. Her unwillingness to discuss it has me concerned that there is more to the story. I did find out that after her conversation with Mrs. Brown that she blamed or was mad at her friend for "lying" to her about her being a lesbian. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a lie, but an attempt to help her. But, it was a mistake - not a lie. I think her friend had good intentions. What I told Penelope is that as she already knows, she has experienced a lot of things most kids haven't. So most kids don't understand it, even if you tell them. Not that they don't want to understand or think that they do. It's understandable that she wants to confide in a friend, but i'ts not a good time yet. And when she has questions and has been thinking about things or having feelings - she should come talk to me or or therapists, or even Mrs. Brown (sorry Mrs. Brown haha) when she needs to process these. I told her that she shouldn't try dealing with it alone or hope that her friends can help her. It's too much for an adult who has had the same experience to deal with so it's way too much for someone your age to deal with without the support of the adults in your life that care about you and are here for you. None of us would ever say "Oh my! I can't believe you thought that!" We understand. I do think it sunk home for her. She has a lot of guilt and shame and just like I think a lot of pre-teens, she doesn't want to involve adults - and maybe she feels like "I can handle it by myself" which I know is a thought that has been ingrained into her thinking too. To say that even an adult can't handle it by themselves and needs help let's her know that it's not that she is weak or not good enough or anything about her specifically but that it's just not possible. She opened a little bit about it after that but not too much. She said that her friend who told her she needs to be a lesbian was also planning on looking for a girlfriend for her. Maybe that's what the party is for? A "coming out" party? Introducing her to other girls to find her a girlfriend? UGH. So, obviously there is more work to be done here to avert possible catastrophe. But, the positive thing here is that Penelope can learn more about how to process the abuse. It's not really been dealt with yet. But she hasn't been ready so hopefully she is ready so we can address some of her anxieties and feelings before boys really become a threat.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Halloween Card from Harriet
Harriet sent Penelope a Halloween Card. I knew it was coming because Harriet found me on Facebook and sent me a message. It was surprising to see her on Facebook because over the past couple of years, it's been difficult finding means of communication because she didn't have computer access to have email, her cell phones would get disconnected and change and I can't talk to her when Penelope is around - and that would be the times she would call me, even though I'd tell her not to call during those times. Her message said she was sending her a card with a $50 gift card in it. I thought, "Wow, computer, facebook, and $50 gift card. Where is this money coming from?" My twin brother even told me he saw her and her husband at the mall shopping over this past weekend. Her husband has this long goatee he has grown that goes down to his chest. He died it blue. Harriet, whose hair is carrot red, she's died her's black.. again. But then I remembered she had some settlement coming from a car accident a couple of years ago or something. Money well spent. Whatever. It's nice that she is thinking of Penelope while this money burns a hole in her pocket. It would be nice if she sent me some money for things Penelope needs but that has never happened. It's always sent to Penelope to spend on crap. She is trying to win her love back. Because we have brainwashed her into thinking Harriet has hurt her. Right. So anyway, the card came yesterday and I checked it out to make sure what was written was okay. It just said that she loved her very much, and the card is to get her a costume. We've already got the costume situated so Penelope is going to use that money for whatever she wants. I knew the "I love you very much" may spark some feelings but I felt it was okay. Penelope has been stressed a little more than ususal since she was sick those 2 1/2 days and has had to make up her work. Her consequences this past Saturday from not reading, has done it's job and she's been reading every day since. But, she has been overly sensitive. She walked home from school with her friend Anna but they made a couple of stops on the way, which is not allowed. She was very late getting home. Anna had invited her to go ride bikes and when I told her that she couldn't, she had a meltdown. She kept apologizing for being late, and I told her that I forgive her but there are still consequences. She wanted to argue about it, and I wouldn't argue with her. Then yesterday, she said she read at the tutoring program after school but she failed to get her logged signed by one of the tutors - which is a rule she is very aware of. I told her she still needed to read for 30 minutes. She threw the biggest fit again. I just told her that there are rules. She said "You don't believe me. You never believe me." Her argument yesterday was the same, because she kept making excuses like her lateness was out of her control. I told her that I do believe her but there are rules. She calmed down agreeing that if we didn't have rules, or ignore rules when we want to, things wouldn't be fair and it would be a crazy world. But, then later that night when she needed to do her 30 minutes of reading, all hell broke loose. I could see her hate for me in her eyes. She wanted to hit me. She told me I had a small brain and things like that. I told her that I wasn't going to make her read, it's not that important to me. I just know she is behind in her book for class and she might as well use the opportunity to take care of both requirements. But it was up to her, doesn't affect me if she doesn't do it. She doesn't like when I take that approach because she wants me to push her, but then she also can't handle it. Also, it's was important to her that I believed her and she kept going on about how I don't understand. She started wailing and crying. She was holding the card she got from Harriet. I told her to tell me what I don't understand, "I'm listening. Tell me what you want me to understand." She showed me the card and how it said "I love you so much." She said that it hurts her that she says that. We talked about that. She said "She lies! She doesn't love me enough to want to see me. If she did, she'd get help!" I told her, "I can see why this makes her mad. All these mixed messages. Says one thing, does another! It is so frustrating!" She just looked at me with big eyes. I said, "But I've done a lot of thinking about Harriet. And, besides thinking I have a small brain, you do think I'm pretty smart, right?" She sheepishly said "Yeah.." I said, "Would you like to know what I've come up with?" She said "Yeah." I said, "I do believe that Harriet loves you, that she believes she loves you. That she isn't lying. But she doesn't know how to love you the way you needed to be loved. She can't be the person who you have wanted her to be. She can't do it." Penelope said "Like stop smoking, or go to the doctor." I said, "Right. It's her job to take care of herself and there isn't anything that you can do to change that. It's not about how much or not enough love. It's about that she can't take care of you the way you need and deserve. So, instead of wondering if she loves you enough and how to get her to love you enough, this is what the big question you need to think about is. Do you need Harriet? With where your life is now, with me, and papaw, and grandma, and Ms. Pepper, and your teachers, and school, and friends and our daily life... Do you need Harriet? Do you need her approval? Do you need her to be a certain way? Do you need to approve of her?" She totally understood what I was saying and was really thinking about it. She said "No.." but I think it's not a true no, and that is understandable. But if she starts looking at it like that, I think it will help her seperate herself from feeling responsible, obligated, guilty. She said "I won't ever see her again, will I? I'll probably never see her again? She is never going to be able to?" She didn't say it like she wants to see her, but more like considering that accepting her the way she is, this could be part of it. I said "I don't think that's the case, Penelope. I think you will see her again. I think what the important thing is, that when you do see her, that you are okay with her being the way she is and not needing her to be something else. That you don't need her approval, or need to change her. That she can tell you that she loves you but that you don't need her to love you. She will always be your birthmother, and you will always be her daughter. And there will always be love there. But do you need it in order to be happy? I hope not." She actually was calm after that. I think she really understands where that approach to her relationship with her birth mother is a way to let go, maybe even someday forgive. We talk about that in very general ways, with all her anger and how it lashes out at everyone in her path. Hate doesn't hurt the person you are mad at, it only hurts you. Forgiving them doesn't affect them either, it just helps you let go of that anger. She gets it. It's hard, but hopefully as she heals and matures, it will be easier for her to forgive. She also needs to forgive herself. She carries so much guilt from all the horrible things she has done when she has lashed out or made bad decisions. I hope that someday she will be able to get forgiveness from the boy she dragged into her pregnancy story earlier this year. I know she carries guilt for that, she just avoids it. She carries guilt for hitting me with the metal 3 hole punch. She broke down in tears about a month ago over that and I reminded her that I forgave her, but she needs to forgive herself. She wasn't ready to do that. She just kept saying she was sorry. So much guilt.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Love & Logic
I've heard of this before but hadn't really looked into it. My initial screen of it left me with the impression that it sounds like what I've learned to do with Penelope, but it's for mentally healthy kids. I knew, from what I had been told by Penelope's ATs that a lot of the parenting techniques I've learned are based on this parenting approach. Between the things that the ATs have taught me, and what I've learned from reading things from Nancy Thomas, this approach is what I've been doing. I was reviewing the loveandlogic.com website yesterday and it was eye opening for me. I had been thinking that the type of parenting I've been doing was custom to kids with reactive attachment disorder. I do believe some of it is modified to an extent, but in general, this parenting approach is very much for all kids. All I can say is if it can work on Penelope, it can definitely work for any mentally healthy child and maybe on some other mentally ill children as well.
My twin brother and I are now on speaking terms again. We haven't talked about the issue that put a wedge between us, not that we are acting like it didn't happen. I'm not sure it would be productive to hash out the issue again. He tried to talk about it a little bit yesterday. He acknowledged that he knows I'm in this alone. There really isn't anyone to help me. But then in the same conversation he tells me he thinks some of the decisions I've made, which I've put Penelope first, are not worth the sacrifice. My mom has said similar things. I don't know if they understand that when they are saying these things, they are only added to this feeling that I'm on my own. Like they are saying "Give up on her, she's not worth it." I understand that they are concerned for my well-being. I am too. And part of the strength I get to continue to make the decisions the way I do is my fear of what would happen if I did give up on her. I don't know if fully comprehend realistically how some of the things they want me to do would affect Penelope, what type of setback would occur, and that it would only cause me more grief and drag me down deeper. To "save myself" in this whole situation, I really would have to not just give up on putting Penelope first, but give her up. Someone else would have to take her.
And that would devastate her. The other night Penelope and I had a conversation that I think was instigated by the AT who ignorantly said to me in front of Penelope” You look beat up, emotionally" and how it made me start to cry. The fact I had started to cry struck a cord with Penelope. She wanted to know what was wrong and she wasn't buying the excuses we were giving her. Part of her thinks it's her, and the other part of her just needs to know and wants to fix it. But she doesn't need to know any of the problems I'm dealing with and how she has sucked the life out of me these past couple of years. She has enough guilt she deals with.
But one of the many issues that had me emotionally beat up was the deterioration of my relationship with my twin brother. We hadn't been speaking for a couple weeks at this point. But he had called me last Wednesday, and I think just to see how I was doing. I told him how Penelope had been sick and all that but that was all our conversation consisted of. Then Friday came about and it had rained like 3 inches in day or something like that and I had some issues with a wet ceiling and wall in Penelope's room. So, my dad sent my twin brother over to investigate. He brought my 4 year old nephew with him, and by the time he was done, Penelope was home from school and both the kids were begging to spend the evening together. So Penelope and I headed over to Uncle B's house.
One the way home from Uncle B's, Penelope wanted to know why Uncle B and I had been fighting. Not at his house, by why we hadn't been talking. She knew that but never heard us fight. I told her as politically as I could, the truth. I was upset with him for inviting George to our birthday party which basically made us have to leave. I explained to her, that he had the right to do that, it was his birthday too, but that he hurt my feelings. I made sure she understood that it had nothing to do with her. It's not her fault we had to leave or anything like that. She was upset at Uncle B too for hurting my feelings, but I wanted her to know that it was between him and me and that it's okay. She was being very protective of me. This is the problem, she saw my weakness at therapy and it freaked her out. The next day she brought up the conversation and said that if she ever wasn't living with me, she'd die, she'd be dead. I asked her why she'd be dead. She said "You are the only one who can take care of me. If you stopped taking care of me, I'd have to kill myself. I would kill myself." She was serious. Of course, I don't want her to feel like I'm the end all to her existence. But I also want her to be more self-reliant. Not "the boss" or the other issues she deals with because of her trauma, but be able to handle stress better. Be able to say "I can handle this." Be more resilient.
This is where the Love & Logic parenting approach comes in for me, in that it shows Penelope that I am strong enough to handle her. Weird segue, huh? Originally I was going to talk about how I had recommended it to my twin brother for his kids, because my nephew's teacher thinks he is ADHD and he's just become more difficult in a lot of ways. But, really, my research for him has opened my eyes to how valuable Love & Logic has been for me. It's hard though, let me tell you. Probably a lot easier for the scenarios they discuss - like doing chores, or homework. But it's hard not to let your anger flow when your kid puts scratches on your car, draws pictures of your death, and hits you. It's hard not to yell. But, the way I've learned to look at it, yelling doesn't work and if anything it's counterproductive. When I get too lackadaisical about chores and the strict structure, she gets worse. So setting the limits and disciplining with love is the way to go.
My twin brother and I are now on speaking terms again. We haven't talked about the issue that put a wedge between us, not that we are acting like it didn't happen. I'm not sure it would be productive to hash out the issue again. He tried to talk about it a little bit yesterday. He acknowledged that he knows I'm in this alone. There really isn't anyone to help me. But then in the same conversation he tells me he thinks some of the decisions I've made, which I've put Penelope first, are not worth the sacrifice. My mom has said similar things. I don't know if they understand that when they are saying these things, they are only added to this feeling that I'm on my own. Like they are saying "Give up on her, she's not worth it." I understand that they are concerned for my well-being. I am too. And part of the strength I get to continue to make the decisions the way I do is my fear of what would happen if I did give up on her. I don't know if fully comprehend realistically how some of the things they want me to do would affect Penelope, what type of setback would occur, and that it would only cause me more grief and drag me down deeper. To "save myself" in this whole situation, I really would have to not just give up on putting Penelope first, but give her up. Someone else would have to take her.
And that would devastate her. The other night Penelope and I had a conversation that I think was instigated by the AT who ignorantly said to me in front of Penelope” You look beat up, emotionally" and how it made me start to cry. The fact I had started to cry struck a cord with Penelope. She wanted to know what was wrong and she wasn't buying the excuses we were giving her. Part of her thinks it's her, and the other part of her just needs to know and wants to fix it. But she doesn't need to know any of the problems I'm dealing with and how she has sucked the life out of me these past couple of years. She has enough guilt she deals with.
But one of the many issues that had me emotionally beat up was the deterioration of my relationship with my twin brother. We hadn't been speaking for a couple weeks at this point. But he had called me last Wednesday, and I think just to see how I was doing. I told him how Penelope had been sick and all that but that was all our conversation consisted of. Then Friday came about and it had rained like 3 inches in day or something like that and I had some issues with a wet ceiling and wall in Penelope's room. So, my dad sent my twin brother over to investigate. He brought my 4 year old nephew with him, and by the time he was done, Penelope was home from school and both the kids were begging to spend the evening together. So Penelope and I headed over to Uncle B's house.
One the way home from Uncle B's, Penelope wanted to know why Uncle B and I had been fighting. Not at his house, by why we hadn't been talking. She knew that but never heard us fight. I told her as politically as I could, the truth. I was upset with him for inviting George to our birthday party which basically made us have to leave. I explained to her, that he had the right to do that, it was his birthday too, but that he hurt my feelings. I made sure she understood that it had nothing to do with her. It's not her fault we had to leave or anything like that. She was upset at Uncle B too for hurting my feelings, but I wanted her to know that it was between him and me and that it's okay. She was being very protective of me. This is the problem, she saw my weakness at therapy and it freaked her out. The next day she brought up the conversation and said that if she ever wasn't living with me, she'd die, she'd be dead. I asked her why she'd be dead. She said "You are the only one who can take care of me. If you stopped taking care of me, I'd have to kill myself. I would kill myself." She was serious. Of course, I don't want her to feel like I'm the end all to her existence. But I also want her to be more self-reliant. Not "the boss" or the other issues she deals with because of her trauma, but be able to handle stress better. Be able to say "I can handle this." Be more resilient.
This is where the Love & Logic parenting approach comes in for me, in that it shows Penelope that I am strong enough to handle her. Weird segue, huh? Originally I was going to talk about how I had recommended it to my twin brother for his kids, because my nephew's teacher thinks he is ADHD and he's just become more difficult in a lot of ways. But, really, my research for him has opened my eyes to how valuable Love & Logic has been for me. It's hard though, let me tell you. Probably a lot easier for the scenarios they discuss - like doing chores, or homework. But it's hard not to let your anger flow when your kid puts scratches on your car, draws pictures of your death, and hits you. It's hard not to yell. But, the way I've learned to look at it, yelling doesn't work and if anything it's counterproductive. When I get too lackadaisical about chores and the strict structure, she gets worse. So setting the limits and disciplining with love is the way to go.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Ms. Pepper
I may have already given Penelope's tutor a name - at least I've been referring to her by her first name - or a pseudo first name. But, around Penelope and when talking about her to family or the school, we always refer to her by her surname. So, Ms. Pepper is Penelope's tutor. I have been corresponding with Ms. Pepper about Penelope's lack of reading but by the end of last week, after basically stopped making any effort to talk to my family, not talking to by twin brother at all, I stopped talking to Ms. Pepper. I know I was overly sensitive but it has been a hard few weeks in a very long dark two years.
Penelope has a standing tutoring session on Saturdays and last Saturday she had a bit of a meltdown. She didn't want to go to Ms. Pepper's because she hadn't done her work for her and she didn't want to face her. Then I said that maybe we need to suspend going to the tutors for a while until she gets back on track. That it's expensive but since she hasn't been doing her work and then doesn't want to go, it's a waste of everyone's time and money. She asks if she'd still get to see her. I said "Oh, probably not. Think about it. She is a busy person and how many times do we see her outside of tutor? Maybe once every few months?" That totally pissed her off and she started yelling at me and ran into her room slamming her door and telling me "You will not talk to me! I don't want to hear you!" and then started throwing objects at the door trashing her room. I told her I was canceling the tutoring session today. I called and left a message on Ms. Pepper's voicemail. She called about 15 minutes after Penelope's session was to start. She hadn't received the message yet. I told her that Penelope was having "not doing well" and we weren't coming. That she was having a meltdown and didn't want to come. She said "Can't you make her?" Now, maybe that shouldn't have pissed me off but it did. I told her "Other than dragging her to the car kicking and screaming - and I'm pretty sure I'm not strong enough, I don't think so." She said "Put her on the phone." She was on the phone with Penelope for all of two minutes and Penelope agreed to go to tutoring. That too pissed me off. Penelope is so easy and agreeable for EVERYONE ELSE. So I drove her over to Ms. Pepper's for the remainder of her 30 minutes. I told Penelope it was interesting that she throws these fits when I try to make her go but Ms. Pepper can get an "ok" out of her with no fighting. When we got there, I was too upset to go inside. When I picked her up, I again didn't go inside but Penelope brought out a note with this month's tutoring fee total on it and a couple sentences about how well she did and to call her. Also, Penelope informed me she only has to read for 20 minutes now instead of 30 minutes. Again, just another demonstration how Penelope does fine for everyone else and I'm the one looking crazy. And that reducing her reading time was to make it easier for Penelope since 30 minutes must be too hard. Whatever conversation Penelope had with Ms. Pepper must have convinced her of that. And Ms. Pepper normally can pick out Penelope's BS. I didn't call her. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to explain how my life sucks right now and Penelope is manipulating everyone.
Monday rolled around and Penelope ended up coming home sick. I sent an email to Ms. Pepper about it because Penelope wouldn't be going to tutor that day but somehow she didn't get it. She called around the time tutor was suppose to happen. I figured to see how Penelope was doing but also because I didn't call her like the note said. I didn't want to talk about it so I let it go to voicemail. Her message mentioned missing the session and needing 24 hour notice in order to not have to pay for it but also worried because we no showed. She obviously didn't get me email but I didn't want to deal with it so I let it go. She called and emailed me a couple of times that week but with everything else, I just stopped talking to Ms. Pepper too.
Penelope was sick most of the week with the a chest cold. She wasn't knocked out sick, but sick enough to stay home. Monday was the worst of it but by Tuesday night I was pretty sure she was going to go to school Wednesday. But, she was determined she needed to be sick Wednesday. She still had enough of a cough I knew she'd be able to get a pass home so I just kept her. She was definitly petitioning to be home all week. Wednesday morning she announced she was too sick to eat anything all day. I made a point to force her to drink juice and water. I told her I was going to go get her homework from school. Around noonish she started asking me when I was going to go get her homework. I told her after school was out it would be ready but that I was going to take a shower first. Around 2pm I went to take a shower and not 2 minutes later she made a point to tell me one of the cats made a mess in the living room. To know that meant as soon as I got into the shower, she got up and was moving around the house. I questioned her later and she admitted she was hungry and was looking for a snack. I pointed out her sneakiness and that she was trying to play that she was sicker than she was. She denied it but it was important she knew I knew the truth. Thursday it wasn't an option. She went to school. When I picked her up from school, I asked how her day went. She said "I had a fever all day. I'm so sick." I got her to admit that she felt bad but that it could be related to the fact she had been in bed for the last three days and didn't move around very much which your body has to adjust to when you get back to a normal routine. Drama! But what kid doesn't try to fake it to some degree. Her advantage is she has learned how to throw up or produce some nasty sounding coughs at will.
The reason I bring up her illness is that she is trying to use it as an excuse for not reading this past week. Her reading skills are our focus right now - and have been for quite some time. It obviously affects all her other subjects and she is behind. She has been reading for 30 minutes/day all summer and for the first 5 weeks of school. But about 2 1/2 weeks ago she stopped. Not completely, but maybe 3 times in that 2 1/2 weeks instead of the 16 times she should have.
I ended up finally emailing Ms. Pepper Thursday knowing I needed to address Penelope and tutoring. Her emails and voicemails pointed to the fact she knew I was depressed and what I was doing. I forwarded my email from Monday that she didn't get and told her how Penelope has been and that I was having other problems and I just didn't want to deal with it and am tired of fighting everyone on everything. We cooresponded a couple of times and it helped a little bit. She was willing to help me anyway she could. I know she means it. As she says "I heart Penelope" - she loves her and they have a special bond. She knows Penelope is hard. But she sees her specialness. Her big heart and her potential for wonderful things.
Even though I was debating taking Penelope out of tutoring as a consequence, I wasn't confident that was going to make the difference. I also knew Ms. Pepper wasn't going to be onboard - she never is when it's about stopping her academic progression. I knew in my heart that we needed to go back to chores at Ms. Pepper's house like Penelope had to do at the beginning of summer. But, like I told her, I just can't afford to pay her to have Penelope do chores. Not like this summer. She offered to have her do both. So today, Penelope had to do a bunch of chores for the time she didn't do her reading - after tutor. Ms. Pepper broke the news to her during the tutoring session and I didn't have to go get her until she was done. So instead of picking her up an hour later, I picked her up 2 1/2 hours later.
When I got there, Penelope looked whipped. She wasn't upset or happy. Just blank. Ms. Pepper was telling her something funny but she just sat their blank like she didn't have the energy to lift the corners of her mouth into a smile. Ms. Pepper told me all that Penelope did and how she didn't need much supervision at all and got it done rather quickly. I asked Penelope why she had to do all that? (since this is all from Ms. Pepper) She said because she hadn't been doing her reading. "Ohhh okay. Hopefully you will start doing your reading so you don't have to learn how to do new chores." She admitted to me later that she felt Ms. Pepper was being mean to her at first but then accepted that she deserved the consequence because she wasn't doing her reading.
When we got home and ate lunch she still looked pretty whipped. After she was done she wanted to take a nap. She took a good hour nap and I swear it reset her! She was chipper and feeling good. She started cleaning her room - not all the way but "tidying it up" as she put it. Good!
We will see. I think she will probably need more chores but it's a beginning. Thanks Ms. Pepper!
Penelope has a standing tutoring session on Saturdays and last Saturday she had a bit of a meltdown. She didn't want to go to Ms. Pepper's because she hadn't done her work for her and she didn't want to face her. Then I said that maybe we need to suspend going to the tutors for a while until she gets back on track. That it's expensive but since she hasn't been doing her work and then doesn't want to go, it's a waste of everyone's time and money. She asks if she'd still get to see her. I said "Oh, probably not. Think about it. She is a busy person and how many times do we see her outside of tutor? Maybe once every few months?" That totally pissed her off and she started yelling at me and ran into her room slamming her door and telling me "You will not talk to me! I don't want to hear you!" and then started throwing objects at the door trashing her room. I told her I was canceling the tutoring session today. I called and left a message on Ms. Pepper's voicemail. She called about 15 minutes after Penelope's session was to start. She hadn't received the message yet. I told her that Penelope was having "not doing well" and we weren't coming. That she was having a meltdown and didn't want to come. She said "Can't you make her?" Now, maybe that shouldn't have pissed me off but it did. I told her "Other than dragging her to the car kicking and screaming - and I'm pretty sure I'm not strong enough, I don't think so." She said "Put her on the phone." She was on the phone with Penelope for all of two minutes and Penelope agreed to go to tutoring. That too pissed me off. Penelope is so easy and agreeable for EVERYONE ELSE. So I drove her over to Ms. Pepper's for the remainder of her 30 minutes. I told Penelope it was interesting that she throws these fits when I try to make her go but Ms. Pepper can get an "ok" out of her with no fighting. When we got there, I was too upset to go inside. When I picked her up, I again didn't go inside but Penelope brought out a note with this month's tutoring fee total on it and a couple sentences about how well she did and to call her. Also, Penelope informed me she only has to read for 20 minutes now instead of 30 minutes. Again, just another demonstration how Penelope does fine for everyone else and I'm the one looking crazy. And that reducing her reading time was to make it easier for Penelope since 30 minutes must be too hard. Whatever conversation Penelope had with Ms. Pepper must have convinced her of that. And Ms. Pepper normally can pick out Penelope's BS. I didn't call her. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to explain how my life sucks right now and Penelope is manipulating everyone.
Monday rolled around and Penelope ended up coming home sick. I sent an email to Ms. Pepper about it because Penelope wouldn't be going to tutor that day but somehow she didn't get it. She called around the time tutor was suppose to happen. I figured to see how Penelope was doing but also because I didn't call her like the note said. I didn't want to talk about it so I let it go to voicemail. Her message mentioned missing the session and needing 24 hour notice in order to not have to pay for it but also worried because we no showed. She obviously didn't get me email but I didn't want to deal with it so I let it go. She called and emailed me a couple of times that week but with everything else, I just stopped talking to Ms. Pepper too.
Penelope was sick most of the week with the a chest cold. She wasn't knocked out sick, but sick enough to stay home. Monday was the worst of it but by Tuesday night I was pretty sure she was going to go to school Wednesday. But, she was determined she needed to be sick Wednesday. She still had enough of a cough I knew she'd be able to get a pass home so I just kept her. She was definitly petitioning to be home all week. Wednesday morning she announced she was too sick to eat anything all day. I made a point to force her to drink juice and water. I told her I was going to go get her homework from school. Around noonish she started asking me when I was going to go get her homework. I told her after school was out it would be ready but that I was going to take a shower first. Around 2pm I went to take a shower and not 2 minutes later she made a point to tell me one of the cats made a mess in the living room. To know that meant as soon as I got into the shower, she got up and was moving around the house. I questioned her later and she admitted she was hungry and was looking for a snack. I pointed out her sneakiness and that she was trying to play that she was sicker than she was. She denied it but it was important she knew I knew the truth. Thursday it wasn't an option. She went to school. When I picked her up from school, I asked how her day went. She said "I had a fever all day. I'm so sick." I got her to admit that she felt bad but that it could be related to the fact she had been in bed for the last three days and didn't move around very much which your body has to adjust to when you get back to a normal routine. Drama! But what kid doesn't try to fake it to some degree. Her advantage is she has learned how to throw up or produce some nasty sounding coughs at will.
The reason I bring up her illness is that she is trying to use it as an excuse for not reading this past week. Her reading skills are our focus right now - and have been for quite some time. It obviously affects all her other subjects and she is behind. She has been reading for 30 minutes/day all summer and for the first 5 weeks of school. But about 2 1/2 weeks ago she stopped. Not completely, but maybe 3 times in that 2 1/2 weeks instead of the 16 times she should have.
I ended up finally emailing Ms. Pepper Thursday knowing I needed to address Penelope and tutoring. Her emails and voicemails pointed to the fact she knew I was depressed and what I was doing. I forwarded my email from Monday that she didn't get and told her how Penelope has been and that I was having other problems and I just didn't want to deal with it and am tired of fighting everyone on everything. We cooresponded a couple of times and it helped a little bit. She was willing to help me anyway she could. I know she means it. As she says "I heart Penelope" - she loves her and they have a special bond. She knows Penelope is hard. But she sees her specialness. Her big heart and her potential for wonderful things.
Even though I was debating taking Penelope out of tutoring as a consequence, I wasn't confident that was going to make the difference. I also knew Ms. Pepper wasn't going to be onboard - she never is when it's about stopping her academic progression. I knew in my heart that we needed to go back to chores at Ms. Pepper's house like Penelope had to do at the beginning of summer. But, like I told her, I just can't afford to pay her to have Penelope do chores. Not like this summer. She offered to have her do both. So today, Penelope had to do a bunch of chores for the time she didn't do her reading - after tutor. Ms. Pepper broke the news to her during the tutoring session and I didn't have to go get her until she was done. So instead of picking her up an hour later, I picked her up 2 1/2 hours later.
When I got there, Penelope looked whipped. She wasn't upset or happy. Just blank. Ms. Pepper was telling her something funny but she just sat their blank like she didn't have the energy to lift the corners of her mouth into a smile. Ms. Pepper told me all that Penelope did and how she didn't need much supervision at all and got it done rather quickly. I asked Penelope why she had to do all that? (since this is all from Ms. Pepper) She said because she hadn't been doing her reading. "Ohhh okay. Hopefully you will start doing your reading so you don't have to learn how to do new chores." She admitted to me later that she felt Ms. Pepper was being mean to her at first but then accepted that she deserved the consequence because she wasn't doing her reading.
When we got home and ate lunch she still looked pretty whipped. After she was done she wanted to take a nap. She took a good hour nap and I swear it reset her! She was chipper and feeling good. She started cleaning her room - not all the way but "tidying it up" as she put it. Good!
We will see. I think she will probably need more chores but it's a beginning. Thanks Ms. Pepper!
Papaw
It's been over a week since I've blogged. I've been in a very dark hole emotionally - not coping well at all. Feeling there is so much to do and not feeling capable or worthy of any of it. My last post was about how my dad tried to help, in his own way, by telling Penelope that I'm depressed and to be happy and good so I can not be depressed anymore. That just sunk me in my hole deeper. Earlier that day, my mom had called me to see how Penelope was doing. I should have known better than to think she actually wanted to know. She was traveling in her car and needed someone to be filler on her drive. She knows I hate that. So I start telling her about an incident I had with Penelope but she cut me off about 5 minutes into it saying she was where she was headed and she would call later when she was back on the road. I consciously made the decision I wasn't going to take her call. She called about 4 hours later and I just let it go. The next day, a Saturday, she called late morning, and I wasn't interested in talking to her yet then either. Around 1pm she shows up at my door. She wants to talk - tell me how she is always there for me. "I've always been here for you even though your dad hasn't." I couldn't talk to her and she ended up leaving because she was offended that I didn't agree with her statement. Again, it's always about her resentment that I feel my dad has been there for me. It's more a 90/10 thing. He's been there for us 90% of the time and she's been there 10% of the time. It's a competition - about her, not about me or Penelope. She has to prove to everyone that she is here for us, above anyone else. Like there is a trophy at the end of this game for the winner. Maybe I should say "Yes, you have always been there for me, you above anyone else" just so she stops bugging me about it. I just hate that she slam my dad in the same breath. I couldn't do this without him, and it would be so wonderful if she was actually here for me.
Sunday morning Penelope looks out the window and there is my dad cutting my grass. It's not uncommon for him to not come to the door and announce his presence when he comes over and wants to do something to my yard. But this time he has all kinds of stuff with him, tools and bags of mulch. He probably spent 3 or 4 hours working in my yard. It was his way of apologizing for his screwups. He isn't one to apologize and I never would ask him to. He has done so much for us. I know his intentions are always good - just ... stupid stupid stupid what he did. He knows he has limits and has always been fairly good at staying behind them, but seeing me so sad - he wanted to help. I know that. When I call him, he is always there for me. So, I went outside and worked in the yard with him - but let him do most of it . lol. Hey, it's his apology - I'm not going to step on his toes. And not that I was going to ask for one, it's still nice to get one. We did talk a little bit, he was concerned about the fact he told Penelope that he wanted to take her on this Halloween Hayride this Saturday after she didn't do any of the things he made her promise. You know - to be good and happy? Shocker- it didn't work. I told him that I've learned that taking away fun events that you've already shared with her is only counter-productive. Those are things that help her bond and make her heart feel good - if she is strong enough. You can't punish her - only consequences. He kinda huffed and said "You can't punish her?" I said "It's not like I'm afraid to punish her so I don't and let her get away with stuff. It's more like it doesn't have the end result you want, so why do it? It just pisses her off and makes things worse." He said "What about Soup Kitchen and Strong Sitting - they are not punishments?" I said, "No.. It's how it's connected to the behavior. If I said 'That's it! I'm tired of the talking back and not following directions (etc.) so I'm not going to waste my time making you regular food. You are eating soup from now until you deserve real food.' Now that is pretty freaking mean. But the idea is "It's your job to work hard to get strong (healthy). If I stopped working hard at my job, what would happen? I'd get fired. If I got fired, I'd have no money for food so I'd have to get my food at the Soup Kitchen." It's a wake up call. It seems mean, especially to do to a child who has been through so much already - but she is already putting out more effort than all the kids in her class combined - but her effort is in NOT doing what she needs to do to get stronger. She is getting sicker. So, in order to deter her from going down that path, she needs a wake up call - to redirect her efforts and work hard on getting stronger. But you issue these consequences with love - cheering her one, letting her know you can see her getting stronger by doing well with Soup Kitchen and soon you can see her not needing to be on Soup Kitchen. You talk about how proud you are in seeing her start to work. Strong Sitting is done the same way. It is very similiar to Time Out but instead of of it being about taking away her ability to participate by sitting out, it's about taking the time to calm herself down, to regulate herself and get in control. It can be done before the event that can cause her anxiety and stress - a time to meditate to be calm. But it can be a 'Okay, you need to calm yourself down. Strong Sitting will help you with that.' We have had to modify Strong Sitting due to the Time Outs she was required to do for hours on end when she was little and how Strong Sitting initially triggered that trauma for her."
He wanted to know what he should do about the fact Penelope didn't do what she promised. He said "Should I tell her how disappointed I am in her?" I said "Um... I think that would just make her sad and ashamed. I think it would be better to say 'It's too bad that you weren't strong enough this week to do what we talked about. Hopefully next week will be better.' That's what her ATs suggest how we talk about this type of thing." I could tell he was thinking it was a bit cheezy. I said "I know, it doesn't makes sense, but we do what works, right?" He said "Yeah, we only want to do what works so if that is what works, that's what we will do." So nice to have someone say "I don't get it but I'm willing to do whatever works."
Sunday morning Penelope looks out the window and there is my dad cutting my grass. It's not uncommon for him to not come to the door and announce his presence when he comes over and wants to do something to my yard. But this time he has all kinds of stuff with him, tools and bags of mulch. He probably spent 3 or 4 hours working in my yard. It was his way of apologizing for his screwups. He isn't one to apologize and I never would ask him to. He has done so much for us. I know his intentions are always good - just ... stupid stupid stupid what he did. He knows he has limits and has always been fairly good at staying behind them, but seeing me so sad - he wanted to help. I know that. When I call him, he is always there for me. So, I went outside and worked in the yard with him - but let him do most of it . lol. Hey, it's his apology - I'm not going to step on his toes. And not that I was going to ask for one, it's still nice to get one. We did talk a little bit, he was concerned about the fact he told Penelope that he wanted to take her on this Halloween Hayride this Saturday after she didn't do any of the things he made her promise. You know - to be good and happy? Shocker- it didn't work. I told him that I've learned that taking away fun events that you've already shared with her is only counter-productive. Those are things that help her bond and make her heart feel good - if she is strong enough. You can't punish her - only consequences. He kinda huffed and said "You can't punish her?" I said "It's not like I'm afraid to punish her so I don't and let her get away with stuff. It's more like it doesn't have the end result you want, so why do it? It just pisses her off and makes things worse." He said "What about Soup Kitchen and Strong Sitting - they are not punishments?" I said, "No.. It's how it's connected to the behavior. If I said 'That's it! I'm tired of the talking back and not following directions (etc.) so I'm not going to waste my time making you regular food. You are eating soup from now until you deserve real food.' Now that is pretty freaking mean. But the idea is "It's your job to work hard to get strong (healthy). If I stopped working hard at my job, what would happen? I'd get fired. If I got fired, I'd have no money for food so I'd have to get my food at the Soup Kitchen." It's a wake up call. It seems mean, especially to do to a child who has been through so much already - but she is already putting out more effort than all the kids in her class combined - but her effort is in NOT doing what she needs to do to get stronger. She is getting sicker. So, in order to deter her from going down that path, she needs a wake up call - to redirect her efforts and work hard on getting stronger. But you issue these consequences with love - cheering her one, letting her know you can see her getting stronger by doing well with Soup Kitchen and soon you can see her not needing to be on Soup Kitchen. You talk about how proud you are in seeing her start to work. Strong Sitting is done the same way. It is very similiar to Time Out but instead of of it being about taking away her ability to participate by sitting out, it's about taking the time to calm herself down, to regulate herself and get in control. It can be done before the event that can cause her anxiety and stress - a time to meditate to be calm. But it can be a 'Okay, you need to calm yourself down. Strong Sitting will help you with that.' We have had to modify Strong Sitting due to the Time Outs she was required to do for hours on end when she was little and how Strong Sitting initially triggered that trauma for her."
He wanted to know what he should do about the fact Penelope didn't do what she promised. He said "Should I tell her how disappointed I am in her?" I said "Um... I think that would just make her sad and ashamed. I think it would be better to say 'It's too bad that you weren't strong enough this week to do what we talked about. Hopefully next week will be better.' That's what her ATs suggest how we talk about this type of thing." I could tell he was thinking it was a bit cheezy. I said "I know, it doesn't makes sense, but we do what works, right?" He said "Yeah, we only want to do what works so if that is what works, that's what we will do." So nice to have someone say "I don't get it but I'm willing to do whatever works."
Friday, October 2, 2009
Alone
They don't get it. It's so infuriating and depressing at the same time. So my mom calls me this afternoon, acting like nothing is wrong. "How's Penelope?" "The same." The conversation goes on for a while like that. Then she says "I got your email you sent a couple of days ago." She said that she had talked to my dad and he knows I'm mad at him... I told her I wasn't mad at him, I am just.. so discouraged and disappointed. Between him letting Penelope talk to George on the phone and my the situation between me and my twin brother.. and Penelope's constant talking about George, I just feel very alone. Like why am I the only one fighting for her in this family? She took it personal and wanted to know if she has caused any problems. Ugh! I told her that wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. Hell yes she has caused problems. She defends George constantly. She defended my twin brother for feeling the birthday incident. And that's just recently - I could go on.. She then started to go on how her life isn't great either, that she is busy busy busy and the reason she watches the travel shows on tv is because that's how she can travel now.. through the tv. GOD! I should tape her and let her listen to herself! This isn't a f-ing competition who's life sucks worse. She trivializes what I'm going through when she does crap like that and it hurts! Then she said that she thought my dad was going to try to talk to me by now but obviously he hadn't.
Well, she must have talked to him because he called me right when I was about to walk out the door to go pick up Penelope from school. He offered to pick her up because he was in the area. Okay... I said it would be nice for him to check in with her and she has said she missed him. He doesn't see her as often as he probably should being her father figure right now. He takes her to a playground nearby and for ice cream. He drops her off and the three of us talk about school for a little bit. He was asking about grades and test etc. Then he leaves.
Not 3 minutes after he leaves, Penelope comes to me and says "What's wrong?" I said I didn't know what she meant. She said "I know what's wrong. You are depressed. Papaw told me you were depressed." I said "He did??" She said "Yeah, he told me that I need to start being happy and listening and be good so that you can stop being depressed." Brilliant. I've been killing myself with running her to doctor and therapy appointments and medicine and therapudic parenting and research and working with the schools and all the costs associated and all I needed to do was to tell her to start being happy and be good. What an idiot I am.
Well, she must have talked to him because he called me right when I was about to walk out the door to go pick up Penelope from school. He offered to pick her up because he was in the area. Okay... I said it would be nice for him to check in with her and she has said she missed him. He doesn't see her as often as he probably should being her father figure right now. He takes her to a playground nearby and for ice cream. He drops her off and the three of us talk about school for a little bit. He was asking about grades and test etc. Then he leaves.
Not 3 minutes after he leaves, Penelope comes to me and says "What's wrong?" I said I didn't know what she meant. She said "I know what's wrong. You are depressed. Papaw told me you were depressed." I said "He did??" She said "Yeah, he told me that I need to start being happy and listening and be good so that you can stop being depressed." Brilliant. I've been killing myself with running her to doctor and therapy appointments and medicine and therapudic parenting and research and working with the schools and all the costs associated and all I needed to do was to tell her to start being happy and be good. What an idiot I am.
Where do we go from here..
I haven't blogged in a few days and it's mostly because I am just completely exhausted and depressed. And I'm tired of being miserable. Completely. Penelope is doing well at school but at home, not so much. She gets angry with me very easily. What am I doing to provoke these bits of anger? Reminding her to do her reading. That's about it. Oh, and mornings just were awful this week. Her morning routine has slowed significantly over the past couple of weeks and she received her first tardy for the year on Wednesday. She was upset by it, which is good. But she was too upset, overly upset. The word "Stupid" litters her vocab when she is upset. "Stupid time.. stupid bell.. Stupid shoes..." It was her shoes fault. Then she was mad at her teacher for not allowing her to be late. She claimed she was walking into the room when the bell had rung but he made her go to the tardy desk. Good for him! His actions will save her from many tardys. But she has been still cutting it close the last couple of days. Today she had 3 minutes to get into the building and into her classroom at the back of the building up one flight. It took her 30 minutes this morning to put her clothes and shoes on. She still had to eat breakfast, take her medication, brush her hair and teeth and get her stuff to leave. All those take more than 30 minutes at her pace. I've been trying timing her as a game for her to see how fast she can do some of these things - specifically getting dressed and taking her meds. She has 5 pills she takes and it can take over 15 minutes for her to take them. Timing her has turned out to not be a good option. She feels rushed and gets so angry! The last two mornings it's ended up in tears. She is not controlling her emotions at all at home. After she finally gets calm, she will feel guilty and sad that she was so angry and mean. We talk about it, but it hasn't prevented the future meltdowns. I think some of it is related to the fact she hasn't been doing her reading and she feels behind in it. She is letting her tutor down and herself down. She tends to punish herself alot.
I haven't talked to anyone in my family in a few days. Ususally my mom calls me at least 2 or 3 times a day. I sent her an email two days ago about a conversation I had with Penelope. See, she wanted to tell me something but didn't want to get Papaw in trouble. I had to promise he wouldn't be in trouble. And, he isn't, even though it is just so discouraging. When we were over my parent's house on Sunday, Papaw took Penelope with him to go pick up food for dinner. What I gathered from Penelope, it didn't sound planned, but Penelope got to talk to George on the phone. It sounded like George called Papaw, and Penelope heard her dad's voice and said "Hi Daddy!" and George yelled back "Hi Penelope!" and then Papaw asked Penelope if she wanted to talk to him. Of course she did. So Penelope tells me this.. and starts talking about "Daddy" and how she misses him and she has a big hole in her heart from not getting to see him. That when she had got to see him over the summer, the hole started to heal (while she regressed) and the hole is starting to grow back. She started talking about him possibly getting married again "He has a picture of a girl on his cell phone but he says she is just a friend." She made a point to stress that when he said "She is just a friend." He said it in a way that sounded like it wasn't true. But that she doesn't want him to date anyone but in the same breath if he gets married, she would want to live with him. She is very confused on this topic. She also talked about how she didn't want to live with him and Debbie when they got married, she wanted to stay with me. I know for a fact that isn't true. George had the conversation with Penelope without my knowledge or even a discussion of it, asking her to come live with them. She was going to have a family with two brothers. Of course she wanted to go. But now, because of how abusive Debbie was to her - Penelope's consistant statements about Debbie beating her with a wooden spoon on a daily basis, which by the way Penelope talks was more harmful than the fact Debbie kicked her out of the house at 9 years old.
But to hear her talk about how her heart has a hole from not seeing George, and how she thinks about living with him, and after what my dad did, and after my twin brother telling me his is "tired of waiting" and "isn't been long enough" almost two weeks ago - the last time I've talked to him, after I've sacrificed so much to help Penelope, specially my career - and now feeling Penelope is stable enough that I can go back to work but struggling to find anything, listening to my mom complain that how she doesn't have money to go on vacations, and how I'm crimping her style (since my dad is supporting Penelope and I right now) but still spending $300 at the hair salon every 2 months, eating out constantly, clothes shopping, "investing" in her realtor business... and then the conversation with my dad that soon I will have to consider selling my house and moving out of our community. These are Penelope's roots - something she needs for her healing. I feel like such a failure. I sacrificed so much to help her to my own detriment and now it seems to hers as well. I feel like, maybe I just can't do it anymore. And the thing is she IS doing so much better. The things I've done for her and the resources I have found ARE working. All the doctors and therapists, appointments and the hospital stays and research and books and people I've found to help her. All the hurdles and arguements and fights I've had to deal with - to protect her. But here it is, all ready to fall apart. What's the saying? A dollar or day too short? My family seems to be telling me they are done with it.. but they don't live it. My parents have seen it and can't handle it and say that they could never do it. So they are thankful that I am doing what I do for Penelope - but now, it's too much.. I feel like I'm the only one left fighting to save her. But I can't do it alone. I've told them that. I need them. This was what we decided a year ago when I quit my job. Did we think it would be a year before I could be back to work, no. But there were no guarentees. A lot has happened since then. The economy totally tanked and it's not like there was a lot of positions at my level of expertise in my field to begin with. And Penelope took her toll on me. I was a mess, and to an extent feel still a mess where I didn't know if I could even hold a job. My own anxieties and coping abilities are just.. well, let's just say it's not uncommon for moms of kids with RAD to get what is called secondary PTSD. I defintely feel that. It's better since Penelope stopped being violent and I finally get sleep at night. I just need a break. Not a break from Penelope but a break in life.
I talked to the attachment therapists about all this yesterday and they want to have a family meeting. They feel that Penelope has come so far. When Penelope came into the room they talked to her about how far she has come. It's been 11 months since we started with them with the two week intensive therapy - 3 hours everyday for two weeks. They told her that when she first came to them, on a scale of 1 to 10, she was at a 2. She now is a 7 or 8. She runs from 6 -8. The 6 is when she isn't doing well and 8 when she is. She asked if she is suppose to be a 10. They said no, not all the time. But to have 10 days. To run between and 8 and 10. It would take another year to get her there. They told her that it didn't take a year of hurt to make her feel this way and it won't take a year to help her heal. A 2 to a 6-8 in 11 months is remarkable. They know how hard Penelope has worked to get there. They know the sacrifices and hard work I have done to get her there. I told them I just need that bridge to get us to the other side so we can move on and make it.
I haven't talked to anyone in my family in a few days. Ususally my mom calls me at least 2 or 3 times a day. I sent her an email two days ago about a conversation I had with Penelope. See, she wanted to tell me something but didn't want to get Papaw in trouble. I had to promise he wouldn't be in trouble. And, he isn't, even though it is just so discouraging. When we were over my parent's house on Sunday, Papaw took Penelope with him to go pick up food for dinner. What I gathered from Penelope, it didn't sound planned, but Penelope got to talk to George on the phone. It sounded like George called Papaw, and Penelope heard her dad's voice and said "Hi Daddy!" and George yelled back "Hi Penelope!" and then Papaw asked Penelope if she wanted to talk to him. Of course she did. So Penelope tells me this.. and starts talking about "Daddy" and how she misses him and she has a big hole in her heart from not getting to see him. That when she had got to see him over the summer, the hole started to heal (while she regressed) and the hole is starting to grow back. She started talking about him possibly getting married again "He has a picture of a girl on his cell phone but he says she is just a friend." She made a point to stress that when he said "She is just a friend." He said it in a way that sounded like it wasn't true. But that she doesn't want him to date anyone but in the same breath if he gets married, she would want to live with him. She is very confused on this topic. She also talked about how she didn't want to live with him and Debbie when they got married, she wanted to stay with me. I know for a fact that isn't true. George had the conversation with Penelope without my knowledge or even a discussion of it, asking her to come live with them. She was going to have a family with two brothers. Of course she wanted to go. But now, because of how abusive Debbie was to her - Penelope's consistant statements about Debbie beating her with a wooden spoon on a daily basis, which by the way Penelope talks was more harmful than the fact Debbie kicked her out of the house at 9 years old.
But to hear her talk about how her heart has a hole from not seeing George, and how she thinks about living with him, and after what my dad did, and after my twin brother telling me his is "tired of waiting" and "isn't been long enough" almost two weeks ago - the last time I've talked to him, after I've sacrificed so much to help Penelope, specially my career - and now feeling Penelope is stable enough that I can go back to work but struggling to find anything, listening to my mom complain that how she doesn't have money to go on vacations, and how I'm crimping her style (since my dad is supporting Penelope and I right now) but still spending $300 at the hair salon every 2 months, eating out constantly, clothes shopping, "investing" in her realtor business... and then the conversation with my dad that soon I will have to consider selling my house and moving out of our community. These are Penelope's roots - something she needs for her healing. I feel like such a failure. I sacrificed so much to help her to my own detriment and now it seems to hers as well. I feel like, maybe I just can't do it anymore. And the thing is she IS doing so much better. The things I've done for her and the resources I have found ARE working. All the doctors and therapists, appointments and the hospital stays and research and books and people I've found to help her. All the hurdles and arguements and fights I've had to deal with - to protect her. But here it is, all ready to fall apart. What's the saying? A dollar or day too short? My family seems to be telling me they are done with it.. but they don't live it. My parents have seen it and can't handle it and say that they could never do it. So they are thankful that I am doing what I do for Penelope - but now, it's too much.. I feel like I'm the only one left fighting to save her. But I can't do it alone. I've told them that. I need them. This was what we decided a year ago when I quit my job. Did we think it would be a year before I could be back to work, no. But there were no guarentees. A lot has happened since then. The economy totally tanked and it's not like there was a lot of positions at my level of expertise in my field to begin with. And Penelope took her toll on me. I was a mess, and to an extent feel still a mess where I didn't know if I could even hold a job. My own anxieties and coping abilities are just.. well, let's just say it's not uncommon for moms of kids with RAD to get what is called secondary PTSD. I defintely feel that. It's better since Penelope stopped being violent and I finally get sleep at night. I just need a break. Not a break from Penelope but a break in life.
I talked to the attachment therapists about all this yesterday and they want to have a family meeting. They feel that Penelope has come so far. When Penelope came into the room they talked to her about how far she has come. It's been 11 months since we started with them with the two week intensive therapy - 3 hours everyday for two weeks. They told her that when she first came to them, on a scale of 1 to 10, she was at a 2. She now is a 7 or 8. She runs from 6 -8. The 6 is when she isn't doing well and 8 when she is. She asked if she is suppose to be a 10. They said no, not all the time. But to have 10 days. To run between and 8 and 10. It would take another year to get her there. They told her that it didn't take a year of hurt to make her feel this way and it won't take a year to help her heal. A 2 to a 6-8 in 11 months is remarkable. They know how hard Penelope has worked to get there. They know the sacrifices and hard work I have done to get her there. I told them I just need that bridge to get us to the other side so we can move on and make it.
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