Info Packet for Teachers

I finally finished the packet of info for Penelope's teachers. I try to give them as much information as I can about how to help her, and themselves with Penelope. I tend to be wordy but I wanted to cover everything.

Besides what's below, I also attached articles from www.attachment.org - the "Letter for Teachers", "Homework" and "Consequences."

This one is a commentary to follow up with the "Homework article"


Homework and Home
Before I knew about her illness and the damage it was causing Penelope to push push push her to do her homework, we would spend sometimes all evening working on homework. There were little to zero opportunities for her to learn to attach to me as her mother. I thought that it was my responsibility as her parent to ensure she was completing her work and getting good grades. I figured the reason she fought me so much was simply because she was academically behind and it was hard for her to try to catch up.
But once I became more educated on her illness and therapeutic parenting methods and implemented the approach described above, there was significant improvement in both behavior and grades. She started caring about her grades and getting her homework done. Not that she didn’t and won’t have moments of weakness and try to get away with not having her work correct and completed. But now it’s an internal battle, like other kids. In fact, when she would say "I don’t want to do my homework!" I’d say "You don’t have to, but then I’d hate too see how bad you will feel tomorrow when you get that bad grade. It’s up to you, it won’t affect me any." Because my love is unconditional and she needs to know that. But unlike most other kids, her boundaries for cheating and lying to have the work completed are still something she struggles with.
From her standpoint, I really don’t "care" about how well she does in school other than I want her to be happy and success in school will help her there. But behind the scenes, I am always looking to see how she is doing via Progress Book, communicating about areas of her behavior, and trying to catch and head off attempts at manipulation or triangulating.
Lastly, because of what has been written above, I do not and will not discipline or lecture Penelope for behaviors at school. There may be some consequences that overlap to home such as learning a non-academic skill at home because she isn’t healthy/strong enough to go to school. But when it comes to grades, poor behaviors at school, those consequences have to come from school. Because I can’t be there to enforce the rules, I can’t be the disciplinarian related to them. I can tell her to do something, or stop doing something until I’m blue in the face but because I’m not there it’s just Penelope using school as a wedge between us. I know this can be frustrating from your standpoint, but let me explain. The consequences have to be related to the behavior for her to learn from it. If I lecture her or implement a punishment at home, it will not end the behavior and only be counter-productive to the healing at home. I know because I used to do these things before I knew better and I’ve seen what happens. I have to have an indifferent opinion about school.


Then this is specific Penelope stuff.

PENELOPE IN THE CLASSROOM

One of the positives about working with Penelope is that she wants to do well and for the most part willing to communicate what is going on with her. With that though, there are a lot of "coping" techniques that she has adopted that are counter-productive. But for most of them there are ways to combat them.
Also, I do want to say, anything I have here is to help you prevent Penelope from acting out in your class. Please don’t feel like I’m trying to tell you how to do your job or I know more on how to handle kids. I have done a great deal of research on the methods that work for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and I’ve seen them work. I just want to give you any resources and tools to make both your life as well as Penelope’s easier. Not that her mental health progress is your responsibility, everything that happens to her in her day affects that, and what is good for her in school helps her mental health as well. Providing her the structure at school will provide her with the sense of safety that she needs in order to make good decisions in the classroom and at home which in turn will help her become a stronger person.
BEHAVIORS –
Hypervigilent/Hyperactive – anxiety, feeling unsafe. There isn’t much that can be done other than giving her time to calm herself down when it gets in the way of her ability to function in class. Sometimes she can tell you what has her so anxious but depending on the environment, her hypervigilence is just part of who she is. It is something she has been working on and I will say has improved a great deal.
"Baby voice" – much younger sounding including her word choice – makes her feel safer, sometimes due to how people respond to it in a nurturing way. However, it can also be a means to manipulate and control even though it only draws negative attention. She feels safer when she uses her baby voice but I usually can get her to snap out of it for a period of time by saying "Please use your Penelope voice." Or "Please use your 13 year old voice."
Lying – means to manipulate to determine if you are weak (ie. Is she safe with you). If you can call her out on a lie, do so. Part of this is a test to see if you are smart or not. Because of her excessive lying (that comes and goes) you have to verify everything. If you ask her to do something, it’s best to have her show you she completed it or check her and you are the person (boss) who determines it is done. When you catch her in a lie, the best way to react is to not be upset by it and almost like it’s funny that she thinks she can get away with such a thing. "Now come on Penelope. I know you didn’t do it. Too bad your decision to lie means you can’t….. I can only have students who are honest get to do that. I wish you thought that through." A great example of a learning opportunity based on natural consequences who be when Penelope told a teacher that she had almost all of her Reading packet done way before the deadline, when in fact she hadn’t started it and left herself only a little bit of time to complete it. Her teacher had commented in an email that Penelope said her packet was done. I knew better. So I emailed the teacher, who had been struggling with her for 3 quarters, and told her to see if she can get another teacher to help by going along with this. She was taking the teacher with her and said "I was telling Mrs. ___ how you ALREADY have your packet done. She was so impressed! Can you show it to us so we can see it?" She first acted like she couldn’t find it but then admitted she hadn’t started it yet. Then the teacher said "I see. Good to know." Having the other teacher there to gloat on them for something she actually didn’t do was very embarrassing. But she handled it and it was the last time she didn’t have that packet done. It was a natural consequence with no lecturing or getting mad about it. Just insightful. Another trick, which may sound mean but for her, it’s about calling her out, is that when she lies, act like you are keeping a tally of her lies and you figured she was going to get as much as 10 today. This will not make her happy but as long as you know that she is lying, she will learn her lesson.
Story telling/taking up a teachers time to be manipulative and "charming" – this can definitely be categorized this with lying. Penelope also likes to test her boundaries to determine how much latitude she has and what she can get away with. She doesn’t have the same filters/boundaries most kids have. Not that all her stories are lies, sometimes some funny or noteworthy things happen in her life that she wants to share but she will want to share them at inappropriate times. She may or may not do this because of prior efforts to deter this behavior but if she does I suggest that you take this approach "That is really interesting and I really want to hear the rest but I don’t have time right now. Can you write it down? That way I can read it later. Thanks!" She has become a better writer so she may or may not write it down but if she does, it must have been important to her that you know and a good writing exercise or, she just won’t because it wasn’t that important. She usually doesn’t and it stops the impromptu storytelling/lying.
Stealing – having things makes her feel more powerful and in control. Safer. She stole a lot of things last year. She always claims she finds them. She knows she is to take them to lost and found if that’s the case. I don’t have a solution for this other than when she is not feeling the need to be the boss, she also doesn’t have this need to fill an bottomless emptiness she has. When she is strong, stealing isn’t an issue. I see stealing as a sign of a bigger problem for Penelope. Consequences are key with this.
Self-harm - Self-harm techniques are not about punishing oneself or suicide but the release of endorphins, our body’s natural painkiller, that are soothing and are a physical response to physical pain that doesn’t happen for emotional pain. Even though some of this can be alarming, please don’t get too alarmed, as it’s not a suicide attempt. It is serious though and I need to be notified for anything worse then picking at her skin. Depending on the severity of her self-harm techniques, she may need time to self-regulate her emotions and/or sent home.
Picking on her skin – anxiety, nervous tick; She will pick at her arms and legs until they bleed and want to go get a Band-Aid from the nurse’s office. She will use this as a way to get out of class as well. Limit her Band-Aids and let her know that’s all she gets. Also try to implement natural consequences to this behavior like sitting on her hands and if it gets out of hand, she will have to wear pants and long sleeve shirts.
She has done worse like cutting lines on her legs with the blade of a scissors in school. (She has not done this at home.) However, this type of behavior is again, a coping mechanism but not acceptable. She will need to see Mrs. Smith to process her emotions. Hopefully she will not do this again as she is learning to try to use acceptable coping skills that are not harmful. But as a precaution, she does not have scissors this year and will have to borrow a pair from the teacher in order to complete any tasks required. If need be, I can bring you a pair. We do have them.
Pulling out hair – this is a new development. She usually pulls on the hair around her face/forehead. She does this when she is getting upset and even sometimes when she is having a flashback. She needs to see Mrs. Smith if this occurs as well.
Tardiness - Tardiness or late for school should result in the pre-set disciplinary policy. Being lenient sends inconsistent messages and makes the rule fuzzy. If she isn’t held accountable as laid out in the handbook, then she will adopt the mentality that the behavior is permitted – because it is. Then she will test being late for class to see if that is permitted as well.
Manipulation – This comes in so many forms, even ones previously discussed. Penelope is immature and with that has come a sense of entitlement as well as learned helplessness. Her issues with entitlement in school tend to be feeling entitled to have the same freedoms and privileges the most free and privilege student has and that these things do not need to be earned. She can adopt a victim role when beneficial to her. Taking accountability can be a huge struggle for her. She is also very good at demonstrating helplessness and has conned very smart and educated people into thinking that she is only able to perform academically at low levels. She knows how and will manipulate test scores so that less is asked of her. To counter this is to stand strong with your expectations of her, that you KNOW she is smart, and you have SEEN her put out more effort to do well.
TIPS –
It’s all in the delivery of the message. Absolutely NO anger. Showing anger in any form to her shows that you are not trustworthy/safe because you can’t handle her. Indifferent and calm is the best. Taking an attitude that you’ve seen it before and can handle it demonstrates that she does not need to test you and you are reliable. If possible, empathy in delivering consequences helps demonstrate that the consequences are not you dishing out punishments but a result of her own behavior and that you are on her side in making good choices and have faith that she can do it.
No lecturing – just consequences. Penelope is a smart kid. She knows the rules. All her teachers lay out the rules at the beginning of the school year. This is her third year in the Middle School. She KNOWS the rules. She has a tendency to follow the rules as long as it's convenient for her. This is an issue of control for her. But what is important is that for Penelope getting you to lecture her is a means of attention and essentially control. She doesn’t need to be reminded of the rule because she is already aware of the rule and it helps her get you to feed into the idea that she is less knowledgeable and smart than she actually is. Lecturing also opens up the idea that the issue is up for negotiations. "But I forgot!" If she actually did, then she won’t again because of the consequences. AND she may be more attention so she doesn’t miss anything and have to deal with another consequence.
Under the same issue, where she tries to engage in a discussion about a broken rule/consequence is when she asks "Why?" She broke a rule, you implement a consequence without lecture. "But why?" she asks – or any other method to provoke you to explain yourself "I only did it once…" as if you are being harsh. Never engage in this provoking. When she asks "Why?" either ignore or respond with a question "What did you do?" "Why did you think?" If she gives you a provoking – not taking accountability answer like "Because you don’t like me" then say something like "I think it’s important that you know the right answer to your question. If you can’t tell me the right answer, I want you to write me a list of what you think it could be during recess."
Setting expectations in advance of an upcoming change or project for her gives her the time to process any negative feelings she feels towards the task. Telling her "Okay, now you need to do…" typically causes anxiety and makes it harder for her to focus on the next task. If it’s known in advance that in 15, 10, 5 minutes she is expected to do something else, she is mentally more prepared and has the ability to focus better.
The only exception is if there is something significant that is going to happen that is either going to elicit a strong negative or positive response, it’s best she doesn’t know until right before. If she knows any sooner, you have lost her focus until after it happens as the suspense of waiting uses up all her energy. She needs to be more disciplined then this and I believe it’s about her immaturity but in order to fully function when you need her to I recommend holding off with the information.
"Promises" Penelope sees things rather black or white. Promises don’t actually have to be "I promise to…" It’s a statement you have made to her about something that is going to happen. And sticking to promises helps build a positive and trusting relationship with her. Not keeping promises for Penelope means you don’t care enough about her to keep your promise, are not trustworthy and in turn are not safe. This is a high standard she expects us all to live by, but understanding that her brain demands this high standard of the people around her is directly due to the fact that in her infancy and early childhood, no promises were kept. So, even though we are all trustworthy and shouldn’t have to be tested, she requires patience and commitment from us to help her be successful in and out of school. Examples of promises:
If you make a statement like "I will be there at 1pm," you must be there or you have lied to her. This one consciously touches her abandonment issues beyond just when she was truly abandoned, but when her parents would be 1 – 24 hours late picking her up from being babysat. What I have recommended to people on this issue is set the expectation low (like 1:30 and be there at 1:00) or just show up. That way if you are not sure you can make it or when, she isn’t there watching the clock waiting.
"If you do this, you won’t get this." A clear example would be around the time in 5th grade when Penelope had decided to REALLY push boundaries and was roaming the halls instead of going to homework check at the end of the day, and then going to the nurse’s office instead of to her next class significantly alarming her teachers to her whereabouts. There were two field trips coming up and her English Teacher told her that if she wasn’t where she is suppose to be one more time, she couldn’t go on the field trips because she can’t trust her to stay safe. That afternoon, Penelope was unaccounted for because she left Chess Club for 45 minutes to go to the library and call her Dad to come get her (BIG no no) because Chess Club was cancelled (it wasn’t). Her teacher, understandably, wanted to give her a second chance because she would be missing out on a great field trip. The problem is, this would be breaking the promise the teacher made. Not that I think she said anything wrong! Actually it was a great opportunity for the teacher to show Penelope her trustworthiness and I believe the event had a direct impact on Penelope’s improvement in grades and behavior. Anyway, Penelope had to sit in Mr. Barre’s office all day while the kids went on the field trip. It wasn’t an in-school suspension or a punishment. There was no where else for her to be since all the teachers were on the field trip too. It was to keep her safe. It was a consequence. The consequence for leaving Chess Club early was that she lost the privilege of being in Chess Club because she isn’t responsible enough yet.
Consequences ARE HUGE for Penelope’s ability to have a feeling of safe. She has to feel safe in order to function well in school and elsewhere. Penelope still struggles but is learning cause and effect. This is not an intellectual issue for her, but a product of her experiences of abuse. That is why punishments and general reward systems do not work for her. Natural consequences work best for her to learn to make good decisions. Sometimes we have to implement a consequence to aid this process but it’s not a true consequence unless it’s related to the poor decision. The article attached goes into great detail about Consequences. I do want to explain one item it says. Under a short list of consequences, it lists "Extra chores for restitution (scrub toilets, shovel snow)." Nancy Thomas isn’t just stating that for home, but also school. There might be some liability issue that would prevent these from happening, but she has a school use scrubbing toilets and shoveling snow as a consequence for a couple kids she was helping. I believe the student vandalized the school someway. But the concept is this, if Penelope’s poor decisions require someone’s time and/or money in order to fix a problem, then Penelope should have to pay restitution for the time and/or money. "Because I had to look all over for you when you decided not to report to class, I didn’t get to ….. so you will have to do …. for me." Restitution for money should equal twice the cost – once for replacement and second for the inconvenience.
Useful terms/phrases :
"Strong" instead of healthy. Strength touches an important part of kids RAD because their need for control has them think they know more and can do things better than anyone else. They fundamentally believe no one can take care of them better than they can. They are stronger than anyone else and try to demonstrate that through manipulation and testing your commitment. So things like "I see you getting stronger" or "I see you are not strong today."
Thanking her for showing you what she needs. "Thank you for letting me know you are not strong enough to get to….. by not following direction. Hopefully you will get to next time." This reinforces the message of accountability. Plus thanking someone for doing something wrong is attention getting and a great way to get the message through. More direct methods actually are counterproductive.
"I see…." This is talked about in the consequence’s article.
Her mantras: "I am the boss of my own behavior." And "I’m not the boss, that’s okay. Mom will take care of me." Boss is a concept she gets well due to her constant internal and sometimes external battle for control. And when at school, her teachers are the boss and sometimes she needs to be reminded of that. ANY boss like behavior should not be tolerated, because once she crosses that bridge, it can take a while to bring her back.