The last couple of weeks, Penelope has continued to spiral. But now were are back on complete and total attachment issues. Not that any of her behavior can be linked to any particular carved out issue. All of it affects everything.
My mother had to go into the hospital for a massive kidney stone to have it surgically removed. Penelope's behavior started to really decline once they scheduled the procedure and had her admitted. We were trying to keep Penelope away from the hospital but being that my mom needed my dad and I have a job, that was really impossible. I took off quite a bit in order to let my dad help my mom. But my Wednesday, when my mom should have been released, my dad decided that Penelope is just going to have to deal with being in a hospital and seeing Grandma there.
In addition to this, Penelope had her 1st, and it seems last, one on one restoration class for the courts. She had her silky AND her bunny with her. This was Wednesday morning. I had received several hangups from my mom while I was in a work meeting and I couldn't get a hold of her when I tried her back. I called my Dad to find out why she had called. He didn't know but said that they had just walked out of the building from her class. I asked how it went. He handed the phone to her. She sounded awful! Not like she was a mess in tears or anything but so completely not of reality. She was very regressed, her words and tone were very detached. I asked how it went and she said it was okay... "But that mean man asked me bad questions." I said "What kind of questions?" She said "He asked questions about what I did to my cousins. And you know what I told him? I told him 'I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell anyone or ever talk about it ever again!' I don't like him at all." Even with what she was saying, she lacked feeling, pain, a relationship with the words. It was if she was reading them from a story. It was really upsetting to hear her that way. It made me mad that they asked those questions. I thought "Isn't these classes suppose to be about teaching her about the trial process? Why would they ask these kinds of questions??" I told Penelope I had to go, which I did - I was at work. But I called back a few minutes later and asked my dad "Did they HAVE to ask those kinds of questions? This is ridiculous!" He said he didn't know but that the person told him that Penelope didn't need to come back for any one-on-one classes and he was going to be contact the Probation Officer. So I think, or at least hoping, that what she had to endure has to do with testing to see how she would do on the stand at her trial. Not so good. So, they have determined they don't need to do any more classes and have determined her not competent.
But because both my Dad and I were getting missed calls from my mom in the hospital, he took Penelope straight to the hospital with him to see what was going on. It ended up being that she woke up that day and was told she wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything because she was having a procedure. The problem was, no one had told her about it. She is doped up on morphine and percocet and didn't know up from down and was kinda freaking out. By the time they got there, she was already having the procedure and whatever they did hurt like crazy.
This is honestly the last place Penelope needs to be on this day but my Mom needed my Dad and my Dad needed me to be at work. She was there for about 5 hours before they headed to meet me for therapy. She was in full force for therapy. All over the place, not present, hard to get her to focus, and acting very young. My dad took her home and I went to the hospital to take care of my Mom.
Thursday, they both again spent probably around 5 hours at the hospital. I had to meet my Dad to give him some insurance paperwork for the attachment therapists, on their way that direction. Penelope seemed still very detached. I didn't hear of anything reported back from therapy. My Dad just isn't into talking out the details with them, or with me so I'm sure it was uneventful. I had to go spend the afternoon evening with my mom since they left and we couldn't get ahold of George to try to spend the time with Mom. He did eventually show up, around 7:30. Oh was he annoying! But that's another story.
Then Friday.. another day where they were at the hospital far too long. They were probably there at least 7 hours. Even though I missed probably 10-15 hours of work this week, my Dad had Penelope at the hospital way too much. It was not good for her at all, and he knew it but didn't want me to miss any more work. When I got to the hospital after work Friday, I found Penelope laying in the hospital bed with her Grandma watching TV. Grandma was laying with her back to her and half sleeping half not. She was a bit of pain. They kept testing her drainage tube to see if it was ready to come out and each time it wasn't and it was painful. She claimed it felt good to have Penelope in bed because she warmed her back. However, I could tell both my parents were at their wits end with her. My Dad said when Mom's dinner came we would head down to the cafeteria. The nurse came in to work on a tube that was surgerically placed in her back to her kidney and Penelope said "But I'm comfortable. I'm not moving." Huh! I made her get up but by the time she started moving, my Mom had rolled over so the nurse could access it. I made Penelope get up and clean up all her stuff that she had layed out from her all day visit because we would be leaving soon. Shortly my Mom's dinner and we left. Penelope made a point to walk at least 10 yards in front of us. I asked my Dad if she had been acting like this all day? He said "Pretty much." I made her stop and walk with us. She did for a little bit then took off again. It was like a race. On elevators, she pushed her way through not being patient or curtious to other passengers. I asked her where her manners went and she just ignored me. She got to the cafeteria first and loaded her tray with food and a big slice of cake and even a Mt. D#w and she knows that is off limits and cake has to be requested. My Dad ended up buying her what she wanted. We get to the table and she is just so intense! She starts shoveling her food, making a scene really. She had tomato soup all over her face and on her shirt. My dad told her nicely to use her table manners. She said with anger "I am..." I said "No Penelope, I don't see you using her table manners and I know you know how. I've seen you do it wonderfully." She just looked at me out of the corner of her eye "Hmph! I am!" "Now Penelope, I disagree. You didn't even ask if you could have the piece of cake and I just can't see you being allowed to eat it the way you are not following instructions." She then looked at me with daggers and moved the cake to the other side of her away from me. I said, "You must start using your manners or we will have to leave. I'd hate to leave all this food here, but if that's what you want, I understand." She grunted at me again but continued to make a mess of herself. So I got up and went to the other side of her and pushed the piece of cake to my Dad and started to say "Hopefully you can start using your manners so you can...(get your cake back) but before I could she punched me. My dad said "Penelope! That is not acceptable. You will apologize to your Mom now!" Penelope said, with no sincereity and sething through her teeth. "I'm.. sorry..." I said "No your not, and Papaw, that's okay. No point in making her say she is sorry when she isn't. It's time to leave." She said "NO! NO! NO!!!!!" Talk about a scene. I picked up her bag and held my hand out like "this way.." I asked my Dad if he could take care of all our food and he said he would. Boy was Penelope pissed at me.
I was fearful she was going to take off in the hospital. If we were in a section she was familiar with, she probably would have. She insisted on walking a few feet behind and on the other side of the hall all the way to the parking garage. She kept telling me I was a jerk and she hated me. She wished I was dead. I'd just say all non-challant "I know sweety. I can see you are pretty angry right now." She then tell me to "Shut up." We finally got to the parking garage and she jumped up ahead of me and was walking down the main drive. A car started to come and I said to watch out. She said "I don't care! Let them hit me!" She got in the car and she started to yell at me telling me she can't believe I took her food away from her. That's exactly what her step mother did and I am just like her. The devil. I'm fat and ugly and a horrible person. Just like her. I told her she should think about what she is saying because she always feels guilty and horrible later when she calms down. She yelled "Shut up!" at me a couple of times. I told her the second time " I don't have to shut up." She said "Then I'm not going to listen." I said "Then don't but I'm still going to talk." I didn't say much but I couldn't let her tell me to Shut up for crying out loud. I told her where I thought this was coming from. Seeing Grandma in the hospital all week and just being in the hospital was hard, made her scared that something bad was going to happen and she needs to be the boss. I could tell I touched on it but she wouldn't let me be right and said it wasn't it at all. She told me on the way home that she wished I'd jump out of the car, on the expressway. I told her that I wasn't going to do that. She said "Then I'll push you out!" She then punched me again! I told her that punching was unacceptable. She said "I'll punch you if I want to!" I said "It's against the law, Penelope. It's called assault. Do you want to go to jail? Because with the charges against you know, and then assault, well, you would definitly end up in jail somewhere. I know you are miserable now, but that would be like 10 times worse and I'd hate to see you go through that." She didn't say anything for a while after that. Prior to this, she was saying how she wanted to go home. She means our house that we are losing next month. She doesn't know that yet. Ugh. But then she said "I want to live with my Daddy!" I told her "Daddy isn't going to take you sweetie." She said "Yes he will! I emailed him today. (On the hospital email.)" I told her that he knows it is best that she is with me. She didn't like it but knows it too.
Eventually she calmed down, after I explained that she could have food when we got home. But she was still angry with me. She took on a passive aggressive approach, but I acted like it was all the same to me. We discussed consequences, needing to help with chores. I offered to let her pick. I said "What about cleaning the kitchen, since it's something I always do. That way I can have a break. You've done it before so you know how to do it." She reluctantly agreed. She agreed to do it in the morning before they went to pick up Grandma from the hospital once she is discharged. But the next day when I got home, it wasn't done.
I didn't make a big deal about it, but offered to help letting her know that I needed to make dinner and the kitchen needs to be done before that. As soon as she stepped into the kitchen she was struck by extreme pain in her head. I sent her to lay down with the TV off etc. Boredom kicked in quickly and by the time dinner was ready she was ready to eat. I asked how her head was feeling. Not wanting to have to eat in bed, she said "Much better." I said "Great, we can clean the kitchen up after dinner!" Yeah, that didn't go over well. After dinner, she started to help but got so upset and angry, needed to calm down. But there wasn't anything that would calm her down. Strong sitting just pissed her off. I asked her "What do you think will calm you down?" She said "Drawing." I told her to get her drawing things then because I want her to feel better.
She drew some pretty intense pictures. She drew a picture of her Papaw's grave. She was mad at him because he snapped at her seeing through her procrastination techniques. She also drew a picture of a female hanging with Xs over the eyes. I asked who it was suppose to be. She wouldn't answer for a bit so I don't know if I should believe her when she finally told me it was Harriet, her birth mother. Then lastly, and something she didn't want to show me and ended up ripping up before she gave it to me, but she allowed me to piece back together. It was her "Death List" #1. Harriet #2 Rick (Harriet's husband) #3 Debra (Her ex-step mom). Then below that it said "Almost on my Death List" #1.
After that, she was still pissed. I talked to her about how she is trying to be the boss and asked her to say her montra she learned in therapy "I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me." Not having the affect it used to have. She said it with no problem but then said "But I can take care of myself!" She was really really testing my patience. I try sooooo hard to be the cool collected, "Can-handle-anything Mom" that I'm suppose to be for her, but my armor is so dented.. I asked her "How would you take care of yourself? Who would make you breakfast? (She always ALWAYS wants someone to make her breakfast.) She said "I can make it!" "Lunch?" "That too!" "AND Dinner?" "Yep!" "And with what?" She said "Food!" I asked her "How would you get the food?" "With money!" "Where would the money come from" "
Of course this stupid idea of mine can't work. There is a reason she needs to not be in charge. She wouldn't survive! I went upstairs and sat in the chair next to my Dad's desk and started to cry. He said "Ready to pack her up and give her back to her Dad?" I said "The thought has crossed my mind.." He honestly would have by now and really was considering it. I told him "Okay, then what? He can't do it. It would still come back on you and Mom." He disagreed. I said "She would end up dead, pregnant, in jail, or all of the above. " He agreed. I said "So we have one of two options. Because this behavior and her extreme feelings of wanting us all dead is going to continue and get worse. #1 Take her to the hospital or #2 Do four things. #1 - Move me out of that room and put me in here (in the office) along with the cats and put alarms on her window and all three bedrooms. Her's on the outside and ours on the inside. #2 - Soup Kitchen. #3 Truely lock up all the knives and scissors. Not what we've been doing just putting them up because it's 'too inconvienent' to lock them up. #4Lock up her toys - items she doesn't use for coping and she will have to earn them back. The goal is to help her feel safe again - have the structure and safety methods in place we had before so she can let go of being the boss and feel better about making the right decisions. Also, to protect us escpecially with Soup Kitchen and her toys locked up going into place. This is what has to happen. I don't see any other way."
He didn't like the idea of me being in his office. We talked about if and where a bed would fit. We'd have to move his credenza. He really didn't want to do that. I was somewhat baffled. So I asked him "What do you suggest we do then?" He said, "I have no idea. This is all way over my head." We talked about taking her to the hospital. I said that I wasn't sure that they'd take her. He said "With her drawings you don't think they'd take her?" I said "They might take her but then what? They would just teach her coping skills she already knows. Make sure it's safe to release her.. then we will have a kid who's been in the hospital back right before school. The only real advantage to taking her to the hospital is having a break from her." That would be nice but is it worth it? He asked "How many days do you think they would keep her?" I said "Well, her first visit was 7 days and her 2nd was 10. I think this time it would be less than 7 days, maybe 3 to 5 days." He thought about that and dismissed the idea. I understand the need to get a break from her, believe me I do. Penelope is a hard child to be around sometimes. And my Dad has been around her more than anyone lately. It wears you down. So I wasn't going to tell him it's not an option. But I think when there are other options, let's try them first. If they don't work, then I'll drive.
Back to the other idea now, we started to discuss when we were going to do this. One of the problems is that my Mom had just released from the hospital with a tube sticking out of her back that was in her kidney, in a bit of pain and taking heavy duty pain killers. She needed help with everything. My dad had a golf event for Monday all day into the evening. My Monday work days go from 9am to at least 8pm. Penelope couldn't stay home with my Mom by herself anyway. Penelope needed to not just run the place without any structure, like she's been doing because that's a huge part of the problem. Plus I needed to implement our plan of action. My Dad was going to try to find a replacement for himself for the golf event so he can stay home and I go to work. I asked him "But then how are we going to get this all in place? I need you to take Penelope out of here for a while so I can get everything set up without her trying to hide stuff or stop me. I have to work late tomorrow night." He said "Then Tuesday after you get home?" I said "I won't get home until after 6pm at the earliest. We would only have a couple of hours. I can't get it done then. And we can't wait until the weekend. The whole point is to get this in place before she has another flipout. Get her back on track." He still didn't like it. I asked him "What are you going to do with Penelope if you stay home with her?" He said defeatedly, "Probably the same as I've done all week. Nothing." So I thought we understood we were both going to stay home on Monday and get this done. Not so much...
Monday morning, we both get up. He is still trying to find a replacement for himself. I said "Should I go get the stuff while you are still here in case you have to go to your golf thing?" "Yeah, go do that. I should be able to get out of it." I had to go get big boxes that take padlocks, padlocks, and door/window alarms. When I was out, I found out he was able to find a replacement, and he wanted me to go on ahead to work. What? So I talked to him and told him I thought we were both staying home to get this done. He said "Then why could I have played golf?" Seriously? I told him I needed him to take Penelope for a few hours to the park or something. He said he had a few errands to run, he'd do that.
Okay. So I finished my shopping and hurried home. To wait. I began just cleaning areas in general, to prepare for when they leave. Each hour ticked by. It was obvious also that my Dad was pouting. Boo hoo, sorry you had to sacrifice your golf outing. I'm moving into your office for crying out loud! He knew she had her 1st tutor session for the fall at 5:30 - 6:30, 30 minutes away. At 4:45 they leave. At 6:38 he calls "We are on our way home." Really?? FINE! All I had done was most of setting up her room which was alot. I had to move every piece of furniture, set up alarms, move a bed out and set it up in the office, go through all the drawers and things again to ensure nothing sharp - alllll by myself. Didn't have time to go through the closet. Didn't get to collect her toys or anything of major importance. I was still working on the rooms when they arrived. I found out that the reason he didn't do anything with Penelope like he said he would, was because he was mad at her and didn't want to be around her. Mad at her for ruining your golf event or drawing your grave? Don't know, but she's done a lot worse to be mad about. So you pick this and to be so mad you can't even take her out of the house? No wonder he was so upset, missing an all day event for 2 hours and 15 minutes of being away from the home. Well, if I had known he was going to pout and fight me on it, I'd just say go to your stupid game!
So we didn't actually do the toys until Wedensday when I had time and he was less mad at her. But back to Monday. She was excited about having her own large room with her own desk and dresser and radio and big bed with a feather topper (while I'm on her twin in the office with only the personal space within the 4 corners of the bed) and alarms on the windows and doors. I kept telling her it's all about helping her feel safe and there are more changes to come, some will like and some she won't. Trying to prepare her for the hammer to drop. And I think she knew it. She was acting overly sweet. She had heard that she is back on Soup Kitchen and wasn't happy about it but was accepting. Even the next day she was acting like "no big deal." She said "I can get used to this." I said "That's wonderful!" but thinking "Yeah right!"But I told her there was more to come.
I had also talked to my Dad about what needed to happen during the day with Penelope. To help her get started on earning her way back out of this mess. I said she needs to do her 30 minutes of reading she has been refusing to do, AND she needs chores. Both of these will help her feel better about herself by having that sense of accomplishment and she will be making better decisions and not being the boss. He understood.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and my Dad hadn't had time to work with her. They ran out of time he said, to do these things. Knowing that we needed to get the rest of it done ie. toys, I asked him to take her for a couple of hours so I can get her toys boxed up by going through her playroom. He agreed to. Boy oh boy that girl hoards! That room was aweful and I found items that were not toys or garbage and she should have had in there. She had the sword looking thing that is used to sharpen knives. She had a very expensive cardigan of my mothers, her uncle's Parents' Wedding Book that is totally off limits, and a picture of her uncle and aunt (parents of the cousins she sexually abused) that she had broken the stand off of and was using the picture frame a a try for poker chips.
I put these things aside so I could use them as reasons for the toy situation. She was NOT happy about the toys but didn't do what she did on Friday. She did take it as me being mean but her big thing is that I touched her things and gone through everything in the playroom. How dare I! This was her hot button. When I showed her the items she felt she had very valid reasons why she took them even though they weren't hers. "I was playing!" "I didn't know it belonged to you!" "I would have asked but you were sleeping so I just took it!" Then when I told her that she couldn't play with the plastic poker chips anymore, since I found them all over the floor, she said "But they are mine!" I said "No they are not, they are mine." I did the rational approach of "Did you get them as a gift? No? Did you buy them? No? Then they are not yours." She said "I claimed them." CLAIMED them. That spoke volumes. I asked her what would happen to me if I went into a store, saw something I liked and just went over and said "I claim this" and walk off with it? She just rolled her eyes and grumped. She was upset, but handling it okay enough. I believe it's all in the deliver, which is why it was so important for her not to be there, but also I spoke very loving and no big deal, to her. I gave her her pills and put her to bed with reading her a chapter from a book I started on the night before.
Thursday I only saw her for about an hour but I did get some reading in. I did get to talk to my Dad again about working with her. He said nothing happened and probably wouldn't happen on Friday because he had things to do. So when I was with her, I told her that she needed to read for 30 minutes and to ask Papaw to give her a 30 minute chore to do. This was to help her start working her way out of Soup Kitchen. I was putting it on her since my Dad didn't have time to help her. The next day I told him about it and told him "Don't ask about the chore, let her come to you. She knows."
He did tell me that therapy went okay. Her brainwaves for her neurofeedback were off the charts again. She talked about the fact that she is suppose to email Harriet is really upsetting her. They told her she doesn't have to and not to feel obligated. "How many times has she made a promise to you and didn't keep it? You don't have to worry about keeping this promise. Especially to someone who didn't keep promises to you. Don't worry about it." She also said that she doesn't know how she is ever going to get out of Soup Kitchen when I keep taking things away from her. She first said it one on one with her one AT but when that AT made her repeat herself in front of the rest of them, her tone changed and it went from a tattling message to one of concern.
Well, Friday she did do her reading but she didn't ask about a chore. My Dad said he even asked her after she had asked for lunch and after reading "Is there anything else you want to do today?" and she said "Nope, just play." He said he asked a couple of times. Nothing. So when I got home, she was in her room and wouldn't come down to greet me. About 30 minutes later she calls for me. Not "Mom" but "Mommy!" She is feeling sick to her stomach and feverish she says. Then she goes into how absolutely hungry she is! She hasn't eaten but one bowl of soup allll day. I told her not to starve herself. She can have as much soup as she wants. She said she just can't eat it anymore and she is starving and wants Spaghetti for dinner! And she started the big allegator tears with forced frown like a little kid. I told her that I know it's hard, but it's her choice not to eat her soup. She knows how to get off of Soup Kitchen. She said "I've been really good! I've been working hard at trying to be part of the family!" I said "I know you are working harder than you were but did you do your chore? Did you ask Papaw for a chore?" She said "I can do it right now if you want?" I said "Oh no, the point was you were suppose to ask Papaw but you chose not to. It's about being the boss sweetie. You decided you didn't want to do your chore." She said "But I don't want to be the boss anymore! I swear! 'I'm not the boss, that's okay. Mommy will take care of me.' See? I told the ATs that I'd say that. They want me to say it every time I see you. I don't want to be the boss! I want to be taken care of!" and cried. I told her that I would let her go so she can calm down. She didn't want me to leave. She wanted to start earning. I said "Picking up your our room for starters would be great." She said "Then can I eat regular food??" I said "Oh no, it's going to take more than that." I know this is hard for her, but I can't cave too soon because it will just come back. She is getting there.
We will see how tomorrow will go. I knew she would need to fail that chore test to see the value of doing it on her own.
I will write more later about school and court. School starts on the 24th, and court is scheduled for the 25th. Fun! :(
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