Here is a description of Soup Kitchen. Marythemom requested a description and I'd be more than happy to do that. It's something that Penelope's Attachment Therapists had shared with me not too long after Penelope started AT. I know it can be controversial and I didn't like the idea when I first heard about it, but I'm telling you, it works!
Here is the concept. A child's job is to be a contributing part of the family. Their contributions are to listen and be pleasant to be around, do chores, and to learn by going to school. Effort. As a child, essentially they are "working" for the family. Family being "The Co." As an employee, of The Co. you must do your job or you will get fired. If you get fired, you won't have any money to buy food. If you don't have money to buy food, where will you get food at? The Soup Kitchen.
So, if Penelope stops working hard at her job, she gets fired and will be on Soup Kitchen until she demonstrates she is a contributing part of the family. She is not kicked out of the family by any means, but will not get the same priviledges as the rest of the family by getting to eat regular food.
She has to eat Soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner until she demonstrates she is working hard again. She can eat as much soup as she wants whenever she wants it. It's not about starving her at all. You do it with love and understanding that it's hard to give up being the boss, but when you grow up, and try to be the boss, you will probably lose your job and then what? Better to learn that less now while she is young. It's very important in these kids.
It's all about being the boss, trying to be in control and feeding into entitlement or victim issues, learned helplessness and overall the child's self-fullfilling prophecies that they can't do anything and won't become somebody.
Even though Penelope struggles at doing all that she is suppose to do to get off Soup Kitchen, having already let go some of the control has made her more agreeable, fun to be around, able to deal with stressors a lot better, and just overall happier.
The issue I'm running in to is that there is too much TV watching in this house and she struggles with that thing a lot of kids do - gets hooked on watching TV and doesn't want to do anything else. But we have lots of soup. We will see. She has stopped trying to hold herself hostage as an ultimatum, she just needs to find that inner strength to get it done. It's there, it's just below the surface. It will happen soon.
4 comments:
So will she eat soup at school? My son would just stop eating, and then either sneak food at night or while at school (I have no idea how he gets so much junk food - we don't give him any money!).
Thanks for the post!
Marythemom
She had to eat soup at school as well. Every morning I'd pack her soup, a short stack of crackers and a drink. No Money! Her teachers knew about soup kitchen so there wasn't any attempts at manipulation. And there wasn't any but she knows the drill. She's been on this a couple of times before. But she did what you said, stopped eating, snuck food too. But she didn't come off of Soup Kitchen until she stopped this defiant behavior and did what was asked of her. You do Soup Kitchen in a loving way. Stock up on favorite soups and plenty of it. You never argue but are supportive through this process of letting go of being the boss. It's amazing how happy children with RAD get when they let go! I got the I hate yous and I'm never eating soup again! I'm starving! She had snuck food too. So she knows that that behavior kept her on Soup Kitchen. She knew exactly how to get off Soup Kitchen and needed to quit trying to go around it by demanding food and stop eating and sneaking regular food . Most kids will not starve themselves for very long. They also fundamentally want to do the right thing. So eventually it happens. I only implement this when she has given up on herself and refuses to do school or chores and overall has this entitlement/victim thing going on. I was so fearful of the new school year with her behaviours I knew she needed it. She is off Soup Kitchen as of Tuesday night and she was so excited and happy! The same child who said that she shouldn't have to do chores, that's my job AND that none of her friends have to do chores said to me after day 2 of her 3 day requirement "I want to still do 30 min of chores a day when I'm off Soup Kitchen" and you know why? Because she gets a great sense of accomplishment doing them. I don't expect her to keep up that schedule but the idea is nice. Her normal routine will be a little different because of her school day schedules. She just had to earn back regular food. But while doing that she has done a 180 with her defiant behavior, her attitude towards her responsibilities, babyish behavior and mannerisms, her ability to focus AND she is a much happier kid! I <3 Soup Kitchen.
This concept totally fascinates me so please forgive all the questions!
To clarify, as far as you know Penelope never had any major food issues right? Hoarding, anorexia, bulemia? My kids have apparently been through lean times when there was no food, so in addition to the cravings of sweets and carbs, they appear to have a deep seated fear that I won't let them eat. I like the idea of allowing them to have soup any time as much as they want - that would probably balance out some of that. I get major attitude that I'm trying to starve them when I insist that they eat what we're eating or leftovers though.
Actually Bear might rather starve himself, but he wouldn't. The kid is the most master manipulator and entrepreneur you've ever met. He has NO money and hasn't for years, but he ALWAYS has junk food and drink. Actually none of my kids take a real lunch to school - some just don't eat (arrgh!), others mooch (ugh!). I'm not sure what's worse, paying for them to have lunches they won't eat, or knowing that they're filling up on junk food. *sigh*
Congrats to Penelope (and you) on getting off Soup Kitchen! She reminds me a LOT of Kitty, who really does want to please me.
Mary
I'm glad you are interested in it. It really has helped us on the occassions we've had to pull out this card. Penelope has had and still sometimes comes around, issues with hoarding food. I could tell you stories about her hoarding food. Penelope has also had times that she wasn't fed consistantly, especially during infancy as well as when she was with her step-mother who abused her to the extent Penelope was afraid she was trying to poison her and wouldn't eat.
Soup Kitchen is about demonstrating that when you make poor decisions, you limit your choices in life. This is a great lesson to learn now, while they are in a safe environment, versus out in the workforce or life in general. Learning cause and effect. Learning that we both are 100% in control of our choices, but there are rules in life that we have to live by in order to be successful. They can't go into the world and pick and choose what laws to obey, or hold a job where they decide they don't have to do anything they don't want to. Their freedoms will be taken away either by the law or by lack of income.
If they give you major attitude about starving them when they don't want to eat what you serve, then this is the lesson to learn! Because they will need to overcome that opinion to succeed at Soup Kitchen - and they would. You are providing all the soup they could ever want whenever they want, but their choice not to eat it will result in hunger pains. To say they are being starved doesn't make sense when you are willing to crack open a can for them.
It is a hard process to go through for both the child and the parent. You have to be patient and committed, because they will buck hard. They have to give up control and that is soooo hard for them. But man, the rewards are worth it! But if you cave on what you said has to be done to get off Soup Kitchen, you are showing weakness and you know how that works.
I don't know how to overcome the school issue for you. But, if Bear breaks the rules by eating at school something that isn't soup, then he will remain on Soup Kitchen. The key is how do you know one way or the other. The only idea that I don't know is possible is to ask the school to have him eat in a classroom where he isn't around the temptation to "help you make the right decision."
I hear ya on the lunch at school issue. Penelope once had a in-school suspension and was required to pack her lunch to stay away from the general population. She was the only child in the in-school suspension and had to sit at a table in a room adjacent to the Asst. Principal's Office. He had to leave his office for 10 whole minutes. During that time, she pitched her brown bag lunch and found a teacher down the hall, flashed her doe eyes at her and said in her wee baby-voice "Mr. Asst. Principal has been gone a long time and I'm hungry. Do I get to have lunch?" After inquiring about a packed lunch "No. My mommy didn't pack me anything. I don't have any money either. :( " That teacher GAVE her money and sent her to the cafeteria to get a tray and bring it back. The Asst. Principal was furious. I personally was impressed. I wouldn't have been shocked that year if the teachers didn't post her school photo on a dart board in the teacher's lounge. But I digress.
I agree that Penelope and Kitty have a lot in common. I thought the same while I was reading your blog the past couple of days. I'm still working on it. You've been blogging longer than me. :)
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