Endings

We have had a lot of ending this past couple of weeks.


A lot has gone on. I haven't had time to write. I haven't even had a computer to write on, let alone the time. Penelope and I are officially moved out of our home. I still own it. It's still for sale. It still has all our stuff in it. It's been approved for short sale, so we were able to drop the asking price. Penelope doesn't know it's for sale. She just knows we are staying at Grandma and Papaw's for the summer to make it easier on them because they will be watching her all summer instead of her going to camp like last year. I still have to pick up more clothes and odds and ends but for the most part we are settled in. My parents went and retrieved one of her twin beds and set up the guest room for the both of us yesterday. Our three cats have moved as well even though we still need to get them and my mom's dogs aclimated. So that's the end of living at my house.

Thursday would have been Penelope's last day of school but she didn't get to go. They had a Pool Party at the Rec Center for the 6th graders. But Penelope has been having such a hard time making good decisions at school that it wasn't safe for her to go. It wasn't going to be structured and there were too many things for her to get hurt doing. I honestly have lost count and can't even remember all the bad things that have happened at school over the past couple weeks.

I know sometime last week she got into it with another student while playing a math board game and because she wasn't winning, tried to change to rules of the game to make it harder for the winning child to win and when she was met with resistance kicked the girl under the table and told her that she wanted to "stick my middle finger up at you!" The other girl replied "Go right ahead" which Penelope didn't but proceeded to scream and yell at her. When she got into trouble, she went right into 3 yr old taturm arms crossed, bottom lip stuck alllll the way out, furrowed brow and stomping her feet. When that didn't cut it, she started wailing. Not crying, but "Whaaaaa!" kind of wailing. I cringed when I heard about it, because I've witnessed this type of cry several times in the last couple of months, including yesterday when I informed her she wasn't going to the party today.

She had her last tutoring session with her tutor since she took a summer job out of town. She still plans on staying in touch over the summer via mail and phone calls. But I'm not sure how that is going to go. Penelope didn't seem disappointed at all that Laurie isn't going to be around for the next 2 1/2 months. I honestly thought she'd be devistated. I'm glad she isn't, but at the same time, the lack of care is concerning. She admitted her reaction was "Good, I won't have to read all summer and have her hound me" since that's what has been going on over the past few weeks. Penelope had stopped doing any homework including her reading.

I hated having to work alll Memorial Day Weekend because I know Penelope needs me and my hours are making things worse. But it's the best opportunity for me to make some money and I do need to bring home more than I have. Trying to not let my personal responsibilities muddy my ability to work has been one of the most difficult things I'm trying to work on. It doesn't help when my mother constantly is calling me to essentially tell me how she can't handle Penelope but there is nothing I can do about it.

See, it is also hard for my mother with all my hours because during the weekends, my dad plays a lot of golf and my mother can't handle Penelope very well. My dad is with Penelope Penelope knows it and pushes Grandma's buttons, which gets Grandma all worked up and ends up letting Penelope pretty much do whatever she wants. So, Saturday I heard was okay but Sunday I several calls from my mom. She just wants to know when I'm coming home. Then at 7:30pm I get this call - "When are you coming home?" "I don't know, when I'm allowed to leave. It's been really busy." "Oh, okay. Well, Penelope is upstairs crying at the top of her lungs right now." "Why?" "She didn't get her way." "Okay, well go up there and make sure she calms down because she doesn't automatically do that on her own you all the time. Don't discuss whatever the issue was, just focus on her emotions and help her help herself calm down. I'll be home when I can." "Can I take her a glass of water?" "Sure."

Then Monday, I returned my mother's call around 4:30 after she left several "Call me when you have a chance" phone messages. She goes into this step by step story of how the day has gone with Penelope. The end of the story, which is why she is really calling is this. Penelope wanted to ride her bike but was told not to go off the property. At some point, she walks in the house with the 3 yr old grandson of their friends' down the street. Penelope knows she isn't allowed to play with this boy and why but she either broke the rule and went off the property down the street to this neighbor or they were driving by and dropped the boy off upon Penelope's prompting. We don't know how long they were outside together alone or anything. My mom tells Penelope that the boy can't stay here and the two of them walk the boy back home. In front of my parent's friend, Penelope asks if Grandma would stay there so she can play with the boy. Grandma says "No, I have work to do." Penelope asks if she can stay by herself, which she knows is totally off limits, but she does it in front of the unknowning adult. The unknowing adult chimes in saying that it was fine with them if Penelope stay there and play with their 3 yr old Grandson. So now it's up to Grandma to upset everyone and maybe alienate her friend or give in and put the little boy in harms way, risk Penelope having a second offense and be taken from our home and probably put in jail, and the family being sued. What does she choose? The later. Her explaination is that she told her friend to watch Penelope with his grandson because Penelope has "anger issues." So it will be okay. When I started to argue with her about it, she says "I can't do anything right!" I told her that I would be home as soon as I'm allowed to leave and hung up. I came very close to dialing their friend's house not knowing what to do. I didn't call. I just prayed and left when I could and hurried home.

When I got home, Penelope was out with her Papaw at the store. She came bopping in like no big deal. She came over and tried to kiss my cheek but I turned my head away. She realized something was wrong. I told her that I heard how she manipulated Grandma into letting her go down to visit the boy. She started to argue to say that Grandma said it was okay. I told her that I know she knows she isn't allowed to be around the boy and how she put Grandma in a position where she felt she couldn't say "No." (Not that Grandma shouldn't have said "No" anyway but that's between Grandma and I not Penelope, Grandma and I) She heard me and didn't throw a tantrum or anything. She sat on the back screened in porch and had some time to herself, staring out into the back landscape. I kept my eye on her because I didn't know if she'd decide to run away or what. I knew what was going on in her head couldn't have been great. The last time we had this talk, she gave up trying to make good decisions. She hadn't quite bounced back from that point, not that she was making great ones much before then either. This time I was home though and I didn't see any ramifications.


However, we are still getting used to being home, not just getting along with my parents, trying to make sure they do the right thing with her (unlike letting her go down the street to play with a potential victim) or even just getting used to their different sleep, eating, showering schedules. But I need to Penelope-proof this house. I haven't had a day off in almost a month. Tomorrow is my first day off. But I have to go to my house and get it ready for showings. I went today for a few hours after work but I plan to go first think in the AM. But I HAVE to Penelope-proof the house. Yesterday, when I got home my dad informed me that his pocket knife that he keeps on his nightstand (why? to fend off spiders? I don't know) is missing. Penelope admitted she took it to go to the boys house down the street (Yeah... I know...) but now she doesn't know where it is. It must have fell out of her pocket she says. Very defensive when you ask her. We've searched the house. It's a big house. Couldn't find it. She also misplaced the litter scoop that was sitting right next to the litter box. It went missing shortly after Penelope was asked to clean the litter box. Don't care about that, care about the knife. I did mention Penelope and I are sharing a room? I woke up this morning with her standing over me and tapping my hand. Scared the jeebies out of me. I think it would have scared me regardless of the knife.


I do want to write about the event when I had to tell Penelope that she couldn't go to the Pool Party on the last day of school. When I got home from work, the first thing my mother said was "Wait until after dinner please. I'd like to at least enjoy dinner." I told her I'd have to tell her soon regardless because bedtime was in 1 1/2 hours and she needs to be calm by then. Penelope was in our room playing. But she knew. She knew how her day went and what would happen if it didn't go well. She was aggitated. I asked about her day. She said "It was fine. It was good! Did you talk to Mrs. Brown??" I said "Yes." She said "Well.. do I get to go tomorrow or not!?" I said "We will talk about it later" in a no big deal kind of way. She said "No, I want to get it over with." I asked her what she thought? If she thought she was able to go. She said "I want to go!" I said "I know you want to go. I want you to go too. But that wasn't the question." She just kept saying how she wanted to go. That she'd be fine. Even though I tried to postpone it for my mother's sake, it needed to be said and I told her that she couldn't go. She got so angry. She started wailing. She wanted to leave the room but I made her stay. She laid on her bed and kicked her arms and legs. I tried to go near her and she cringed and kept saying "Don't touch me!" She said that Mrs. Mary lied and that she hates her. She brought up the incident that I already knew about and said that Mrs. Mary yelled at her and made her upset. Then started to say again how she smells like Harriet (because she smokes) and that she isn't a REAL teacher - like that means her direction has less value. I told her that this is exactly why it's not safe for her to go. You don't get to pick and choose who you listen to based on your feelings about the person. I told her it wasn't punishment, she is just not strong enough right now to be safe at the pool party. She yelled that it was a punishment and it's all my fault and she hates me. I didn't engage her in that conversation. I tried to rub her back but she cringed away again. She said "I hate my life!" I turned her to look at me and with the most loving eyes I could muster I said "I love you to much not to let you go tomorrow when it's not safe" and I kissed her on her head. The hurt in her eyes made me starts to tear up but I just looked at her with love and empathy. She said "Don't cry. I don't like it when you cry." I told her "I just love you so much and I do wish you could go but your safety is more important to me." She just hugged me and we just hugged for a few minutes.

Now the rest of the night, she was my shadow. She was all giddy and very hyper. She had to sit RIGHT next to me. I told her "It's okay Penelope. I'm not going anywhere" and gave her a big hug and walked away.