Beginnings

The summer has begun. All of us are still adjusting to living together. I think my mom has come to the decision that the cats and dogs have to be kept seperate. I am not sure she has even tried to introduce them. We are all learning what my mom's limitations are, especially my mom. She wants to be the rock that I can lean on, the one who can do what I would do if I was there. She wants to take the burden off me while I'm work so I can work and focus on what I'm doing to try to make enough money so we can get back in the school district by the end of summer. At this rate it's not going to happen.

My dad is easier to talk to about these things but I swear, if it doesn't improve, it's either going to be the end of me or their marriage. I try to be a solutions person so I'm trying to find solutions here. Monday, I call my dad to tell him something and I can tell from his tone it's hell at home. I ask him what's going on, "What happened." My mom had told Penelope she was going to take her to the pool around noon after she runs a morning errand. While she is out, she decides to run over to my house which is locked of course, and the key was put up. If I had known she was going, I would have told her where it is. Anyway, by the time she was heading home she got hungry and decided to go to the grocery store and was in there for 1 1/2 hours. Penelope was waiting at the foot of the stairs in her bathing suit, towel in hand at noon. My mom didn't get home until 1pm, at which time she needed to eat. Ate until 2pm. By this time Penelope is laying on her bed crying saying things like "I knew she didn't want to take me to the pool!" Then my mom goes and puts her own suit on and gets ready to go. But before she can go, she needs to make a phone call. She is on the phone for AN HOUR. Penelope is now steaming mad. She tells Grandma how she is really hurting her feelings - no name calling or anything disrepectful. To which my mom yells at her, yes.. yells at her for being impatient. My dad who has been getting more pissed about what was going on and trying to get my mom to do what she promised, snapped when my mom yelled at Penelope, and yelled at my mom. My mom took Penelope to the pool for MAYBE a half hour if that. The entire time she was short and resentful towards Penelope. Penelope of course had a horrible time. My mom called me on their way back home to tell me her version of what went down. It was basically the same other than it was twisted that circumstances were out of her control and Penelope should have been more patient and my dad was the one who made Penelope upset by yelling at her and making a mountain out of a molehill. It's just mood crushing. I'm trying to do my job and all I can think about is how I need to be at home. That my inability to pay for appropriate care means leaving her with my parents who try yes, but make things worse. That I need a better paying job. Because with the emotional rollercoaster my life has turned into, there is no way I can be successful at this job and I can't live on $7.30/hour.
Then Tuesday, I get home and find out that Penelope was being "defiant and overall difficult" and that she was saying things that were mean in nature but in a very innocent childlike manner - obviously trying to push Grandma's buttons. (Grandma denies getting her buttons pushed but her tense tone gave her away. Hello! Been there, not something to ashamed of just to learn from.) But I also found out that Penelope was left to her own devices all day so Grandma could either work on her computer or watch TV - her typical daily grind. She made no effort to create structure for Penelope and the kid got bored and went looking for trouble. In addition to that, she ALSO never received her medication all day which explains why when I got home at 9:00, she was in a crazed hyper mood. Like a 3 year old after consuming lots of candy. Even though she took her evening meds to go to sleep, she didn't sleep well that night.
Wednesday, I had a brief vent/talk with my dad explaining how this just can't be - for all our sakes. He took over for the rest of the week. I don't know if things actually got better or my dad just doesn't tell me. I did check the internet browser history on my computer and found that Penelope had been visiting porn sites again. I changed the password on it and informed my parents not to let her on the internet without sitting with her. I told her that she had her internet priveldges removed, which she went into full tantrum over. Even though she admitted to going to the sites she couldn't understand why she can't be on the internet whenever she wants. It's so true when they say it doesn't matter if you tell them why, it's like they aren't listening. The connection is lost. It's pure emotion/want/need. Stuck at that stage. How do we help move her forward? It's not like she hasn't made the connections in the past - when she's been healthier. Is this part of the Dissociative Disorder? Her new therapist feels that she has a Dissociative Disorder based on what I've described about her. I had my dad ask her ATs and they said absolutetly. We've talked about it but never labeled it. It does make sense. It explains a lot. But I'm not sure it means anything to our treatment plan/goals. I think it just helps look at these circumstances as again where Penelope can't - not won't. She goes somewhere in her head that can't do/remember/connect the things she could when she is in a better place emotionally.
But, Thursday was a day of growth for Penelope. She went to attachment therapy and when discussing the issue over the internet use, she went into detail about her sexual abuse. I still don't think it's everything. But it's more than she's ever given anyone before. She did have a bit of anxiety and hypervigilience setting her back into 3 year old emotions and speech again. But she wasn't defiant or aggressive. Everyone was very supportive of her. She wouldn't let anyone tell me because she wanted to tell me. Which she did, the next day over the phone while I was driving home.
We start our new therapy on Tuesday. We plan on making the sexual abuse trauma more of a priority. So, this is good.