Papaw (my Dad) is the Best in the World. Besides the fact he bought me a car yesterday... it's old and all that but hello! he didn't have to do that. Since I took Penelope in my parents "loaned" me a car to use for the last 4 1/2 years. My dad has had a company car forever. When he was laid off, they let him drive it for about a month before they came to collect. Well, they came last week. So he and my mom have been going car shopping here and there. Whatever he decided on, I would get and he would take back thier SUV. This is fine with me, because it's a gas hog. They found some options on Saturday and my dad, Penelope and I went shopping on Sunday. We didn't think we were going to find anything better but then we came across a 2004 Toyota Matrix. He got it for $1,000 less than the best car they found, which would have been great. The CarFax report was even better than the other car.
But even better.. he took Penelope to her 12 year old check up. Because I had to work, I made a list of everything he needed to know, meds, issues, etc. On that list I put the information about her menstrual cycle. I also put on the list how, when appropriate, we want to put Penelope on birth control and to find out options.
Is that like asking your dad to go to the store and buy you a box of tampons or maxi pads? It's got to be up there.
These of course are not the only reason he is the BEST, but what he's done these past two days that continues to qualify him for the Award. He's the best.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
New
First two weeks down with my new job. It's been an adjustment for both Penelope and myself. I worked almost 50 hours each week and my parents have had to do a lot of the afternoon and evening things with Penelope. Besides just getting used to not having me around as much, Penelope is having to get use to having her grandparents around a lot more. But my parents are having to get use to driving to my house to take care of her, her routine, her manipulation tactics to get out of some of her routine (chores), as well as not doing whatever they would typically do in the evenings. I have to get use to actually going somewhere and not doing something Penelope related for over 40 hours a week. Having to fix my hair, put on makeup, even wear professional attire instead of sweats and gym shoes. I've figured out that Penelope's routine needs to change somewhat because when I get home, she misses me so much that all unfinished homework or chores are impossible for her to focus on. My parents know that she needs to do those things during their watch at this point or the evenings or they are just not going to get done. I can't battle with her the 1 to 3 hours a night I see her over things like homework and chores. I tell Penelope "Get your work done so we can spend quality time together when I get home." She still is adjusting and gets filled with anxiety about it, the pressure of having that done before I get home. It hasn't happened yet - she is done by the time I get home. Today when I got home, around 7:45pm, she missed me so much she cried. That's hard.
On a more positive note, I met with the person who my dad met for me last week. We are going to do some in home therapy 2 or 3 times a week, and once a week trauma therapy. They have some options for her in the summer too which has been a concern. But in general they can help us! She even said that they will go to court with us! Speaking of which, I called the public defenders office and they said the routine is that when the court date is set, to bring her in to their office and we will go from there.so just waiting for that to happen. I wonder if I will be allowed to take the time off.
On a more positive note, I met with the person who my dad met for me last week. We are going to do some in home therapy 2 or 3 times a week, and once a week trauma therapy. They have some options for her in the summer too which has been a concern. But in general they can help us! She even said that they will go to court with us! Speaking of which, I called the public defenders office and they said the routine is that when the court date is set, to bring her in to their office and we will go from there.so just waiting for that to happen. I wonder if I will be allowed to take the time off.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Jerry Springer...
Wow, a lot has gone on the past few days.
First, the good news. I now am gainfully employed. I went in for a second interview with the Cemetery and was offered a job. I started today. I think once I get over my personal pride - this is not the career that I ever dreamed of getting into - I'll be okay. I see the value and I can see how easily it can be for families to see the value, but it will be a whole new experience for me. It's selling "arrangements" pre-need. It's minimum wage or commission, which ever is higher. It has 6 figure potential but if I work hard, I'll make at least what I use to. But today, I made $58 and after taxes and dinner at the Golden Corral with Penelope, I probably have left $22. Oh well. I went as a treat for Penelope, even though I don't believe in feeding stress, we have to make exceptions once in a while. I think today deserves exception. I was craving their salad bar and Penelope was craving their dessert bar.
So, the bad news. Papaw picked Penelope up from school and took her to the police station. I didn't get to go because of work. But for her it was more important for her to have Papaw there.. and her two dolls and baby blanket. I wish I could have been there for her. Anyway, there wasn't any fingerprinting but just a policeman filling out a multi-part form that my dad had to sign. The policeman asked Penelope some basic questioned. My dad said that he asked her, "Do you have any medical conditions?" She listed everything under the sun. "I have ADHD, anger issues, anxiety, depression...." We never talk about the term "Reactive Attachment Disorder" because I don't want her to feel labeled or limited by a diagnosis. But she knows what Concerta is for and she knows how she feels.
But the big news is the actual Charge. They are charging her with Rape. RAPE! This is the charge chosen to force Children Services to monitor her treatment. So, I am going to have to figure out some way to get her representation because this is BS. I did try to contact the CPS Investigator we had but she won't call me back. It's total BS. I'm going to work my way up the command because their job is to help children. I think with Penelope's history and the treatment she is getting, we are on the right track. I don't care about being monitored by CPS even though I don't think it's necessary. I get that the police can't just take my word for it but I think that my history with Penelope shows that I have done everything to get Penelope the treatment she needs. I'm not going to stop. I wonder if I can get CPS to agree to have an open case if the charges would be dropped. To me that would be ideal. That's what they want.
Penelope found out from Papaw how I'm going to get an attorney and knows I'm pissed about the Rape charge. I told her if they were filing charges to punish her, I'd be okay with that. She asked me why. I said "Because you broke the law and did a very bad thing." But this isn't why they are charging her. They know she is sick. They know she has been abused. They know that this is a child that needs help.
I am not trying to downplay what she did or not have her be responsible for her actions. She has been dealing with that since the day it happened. Her cousins show zero problems from what happened. They are happy and miss Penelope. That doesn't mean that something couldn't come up but it really doesn't seem like it. I want to prevent Penelope from doing anything like what she did again. We have put in place changes necessary to keep her always monitored. We are getting her the treatment she needs.
Okay, so here is the Jerry Springer part. So, my last post talked about George being in the hospital. He is still there. He has potentially going to go home today. Now it's Wednesday. They have to regulate his medication first. He has lost a total of 30 lbs of water from Wednesday not to Saturday. They doctor said he will probably lose another 50 lbs of water. 80 lbs of water! The doctor thinks he has Obstructive Sleep Apnea which caused his congestive heart failure. So he needs to have a sleep study so he can get a breathing mask at night. And then also get a stomach bi-pass.
He talked to his wrongful termination attorney today and now he is saying that due to being terminated, he lost his insurance coverage and he couldn't afford COBRA so he wasn't taking his meds. He started feeling bad and knew he'd end up in the hospital and decided to elect COBRA before his time was because he knew that was the cheaper decision. The thing is, I've asked him several times before and after he was admitted, if he has been taking his meds regularly. He always said he did. Now he is saying he didn't. I even asked him on Friday if the doctors knew what triggered it and he said no. So now he is going to use his circumstance to build up his case.
But see, that's still not all the Jerry Springer Show. Last night, it came to my twin brother's attention that George was having some chick living with him and that she has been living there and driving his car around while he is in the hospital. That this chick is wanted or something. We found out her story was that she was living with her boyfriend and her 18 mo. old. They got into a fight and the boyfriend wanted to end the relationship. She took his gun and threatened to kill herself. They fought about it and she went into the hallway and discharged the gun. She fell to the ground faking like she shot herself. He called her out, because based on the type of gun, her guts would have been everywhere. He called the police. CPS was called and her 18 mo. old was taken away. She was admitted into the psych ward of a local hospital. She was released and has been living there for a couple of weeks.
She came to see George in the hospital and asked George if she could drive his truck. He gave her his keys. My twin brother's brother-in-law who knows George was driving by his house and notice the garage door open and the pickup truck gone. She had left the house completely open and he lives in a not so nice area. When it got to my dad, George claimed his friend Shane was going to pick it up to work on it. But that wasn't true. He finally admitted to the existence of this girl.
I'm not exactly sure why, but at this point everyone was looking to get back George's pickup and kick her out of the house. I agree she shouldn't be driving his car around but it's George's truck and he lent it to her. However, the house George is living in is owned by my parents so I can see them have problem with that. But regardless, George she needed to be kicked out and the pick up truck should not be driven around by this woman. She probably isn't covered by the insurance. She hadn't stayed the night in a few days but still had his truck.
Anyway, because she had the keys to the house, my dad had to break in the house through a window to retrieve her items. He left and my parents went and sat outside her work at UPS waiting for her to show up for her shift. She didn't. My dad went and spoke to her boss who told him that she had recently been fired of absenteeism. But the union got her job back. But she was a no call/no show for work today. George's friend went to the bar she likes to hang out and she was there. He tried to get the keys from her but she became combative. Then the next thing they know she called the police on them. Then, when the police arrived, she claimed her ex-boyfriend had shown up with a gun - which wasn't true. My dad talked on the phone with one of the policeman - retired cop to cop - and talked him into getting the keys from her. He did. She claims she didn't want to give them up because her stuff was at the house and she has court tomorrow and needed her things. They told her that they had her things but my dad wasn't going to hand them over without the key first. If she didn't give it to him, he was going to pitch her stuff and get the locks changed. It took someone going through her things to find the key to get her to give it up.
I had talked to George before I knew most of this but knew of the girl. I asked him "Why would you allow someone like her who is potentially dangerous stay with you?" He said he didn't know if what has been said is all true - but he stated she made all the calls. So he knows better. But he also said he wanted to help her out. That she is a nice person and has always been nice to him. I told him that serial killers know how to be nice. Everyone knows how to be nice but it doesn't make them a good person. I suspect he has a sexual relationship with her. He doesn't just help people without something in return. And after learning who this chick is, I am pretty sure he has been crushing on her and she flirts with him from what he has said. There is something there.
The thing is, I am not really that upset. I am upset how much he hurt our mom and dad for what they had to do. But otherwise, I don't really care. I mean seriously, it doesn't affect Penelope so I don't care. The really sad thing is, he is still living in this life cycle. It's been a while since he has done something this major since his house burnt down a few years ago alerting to us that he was having some guy living with him. The one who was abused and could have easily abused Penelope. Anyway, Penelope is totally protected. That was always the problems before as to why we would get so upset. Penelope. How it affected her. Not anymore.
First, the good news. I now am gainfully employed. I went in for a second interview with the Cemetery and was offered a job. I started today. I think once I get over my personal pride - this is not the career that I ever dreamed of getting into - I'll be okay. I see the value and I can see how easily it can be for families to see the value, but it will be a whole new experience for me. It's selling "arrangements" pre-need. It's minimum wage or commission, which ever is higher. It has 6 figure potential but if I work hard, I'll make at least what I use to. But today, I made $58 and after taxes and dinner at the Golden Corral with Penelope, I probably have left $22. Oh well. I went as a treat for Penelope, even though I don't believe in feeding stress, we have to make exceptions once in a while. I think today deserves exception. I was craving their salad bar and Penelope was craving their dessert bar.
So, the bad news. Papaw picked Penelope up from school and took her to the police station. I didn't get to go because of work. But for her it was more important for her to have Papaw there.. and her two dolls and baby blanket. I wish I could have been there for her. Anyway, there wasn't any fingerprinting but just a policeman filling out a multi-part form that my dad had to sign. The policeman asked Penelope some basic questioned. My dad said that he asked her, "Do you have any medical conditions?" She listed everything under the sun. "I have ADHD, anger issues, anxiety, depression...." We never talk about the term "Reactive Attachment Disorder" because I don't want her to feel labeled or limited by a diagnosis. But she knows what Concerta is for and she knows how she feels.
But the big news is the actual Charge. They are charging her with Rape. RAPE! This is the charge chosen to force Children Services to monitor her treatment. So, I am going to have to figure out some way to get her representation because this is BS. I did try to contact the CPS Investigator we had but she won't call me back. It's total BS. I'm going to work my way up the command because their job is to help children. I think with Penelope's history and the treatment she is getting, we are on the right track. I don't care about being monitored by CPS even though I don't think it's necessary. I get that the police can't just take my word for it but I think that my history with Penelope shows that I have done everything to get Penelope the treatment she needs. I'm not going to stop. I wonder if I can get CPS to agree to have an open case if the charges would be dropped. To me that would be ideal. That's what they want.
Penelope found out from Papaw how I'm going to get an attorney and knows I'm pissed about the Rape charge. I told her if they were filing charges to punish her, I'd be okay with that. She asked me why. I said "Because you broke the law and did a very bad thing." But this isn't why they are charging her. They know she is sick. They know she has been abused. They know that this is a child that needs help.
I am not trying to downplay what she did or not have her be responsible for her actions. She has been dealing with that since the day it happened. Her cousins show zero problems from what happened. They are happy and miss Penelope. That doesn't mean that something couldn't come up but it really doesn't seem like it. I want to prevent Penelope from doing anything like what she did again. We have put in place changes necessary to keep her always monitored. We are getting her the treatment she needs.
Okay, so here is the Jerry Springer part. So, my last post talked about George being in the hospital. He is still there. He has potentially going to go home today. Now it's Wednesday. They have to regulate his medication first. He has lost a total of 30 lbs of water from Wednesday not to Saturday. They doctor said he will probably lose another 50 lbs of water. 80 lbs of water! The doctor thinks he has Obstructive Sleep Apnea which caused his congestive heart failure. So he needs to have a sleep study so he can get a breathing mask at night. And then also get a stomach bi-pass.
He talked to his wrongful termination attorney today and now he is saying that due to being terminated, he lost his insurance coverage and he couldn't afford COBRA so he wasn't taking his meds. He started feeling bad and knew he'd end up in the hospital and decided to elect COBRA before his time was because he knew that was the cheaper decision. The thing is, I've asked him several times before and after he was admitted, if he has been taking his meds regularly. He always said he did. Now he is saying he didn't. I even asked him on Friday if the doctors knew what triggered it and he said no. So now he is going to use his circumstance to build up his case.
But see, that's still not all the Jerry Springer Show. Last night, it came to my twin brother's attention that George was having some chick living with him and that she has been living there and driving his car around while he is in the hospital. That this chick is wanted or something. We found out her story was that she was living with her boyfriend and her 18 mo. old. They got into a fight and the boyfriend wanted to end the relationship. She took his gun and threatened to kill herself. They fought about it and she went into the hallway and discharged the gun. She fell to the ground faking like she shot herself. He called her out, because based on the type of gun, her guts would have been everywhere. He called the police. CPS was called and her 18 mo. old was taken away. She was admitted into the psych ward of a local hospital. She was released and has been living there for a couple of weeks.
She came to see George in the hospital and asked George if she could drive his truck. He gave her his keys. My twin brother's brother-in-law who knows George was driving by his house and notice the garage door open and the pickup truck gone. She had left the house completely open and he lives in a not so nice area. When it got to my dad, George claimed his friend Shane was going to pick it up to work on it. But that wasn't true. He finally admitted to the existence of this girl.
I'm not exactly sure why, but at this point everyone was looking to get back George's pickup and kick her out of the house. I agree she shouldn't be driving his car around but it's George's truck and he lent it to her. However, the house George is living in is owned by my parents so I can see them have problem with that. But regardless, George she needed to be kicked out and the pick up truck should not be driven around by this woman. She probably isn't covered by the insurance. She hadn't stayed the night in a few days but still had his truck.
Anyway, because she had the keys to the house, my dad had to break in the house through a window to retrieve her items. He left and my parents went and sat outside her work at UPS waiting for her to show up for her shift. She didn't. My dad went and spoke to her boss who told him that she had recently been fired of absenteeism. But the union got her job back. But she was a no call/no show for work today. George's friend went to the bar she likes to hang out and she was there. He tried to get the keys from her but she became combative. Then the next thing they know she called the police on them. Then, when the police arrived, she claimed her ex-boyfriend had shown up with a gun - which wasn't true. My dad talked on the phone with one of the policeman - retired cop to cop - and talked him into getting the keys from her. He did. She claims she didn't want to give them up because her stuff was at the house and she has court tomorrow and needed her things. They told her that they had her things but my dad wasn't going to hand them over without the key first. If she didn't give it to him, he was going to pitch her stuff and get the locks changed. It took someone going through her things to find the key to get her to give it up.
I had talked to George before I knew most of this but knew of the girl. I asked him "Why would you allow someone like her who is potentially dangerous stay with you?" He said he didn't know if what has been said is all true - but he stated she made all the calls. So he knows better. But he also said he wanted to help her out. That she is a nice person and has always been nice to him. I told him that serial killers know how to be nice. Everyone knows how to be nice but it doesn't make them a good person. I suspect he has a sexual relationship with her. He doesn't just help people without something in return. And after learning who this chick is, I am pretty sure he has been crushing on her and she flirts with him from what he has said. There is something there.
The thing is, I am not really that upset. I am upset how much he hurt our mom and dad for what they had to do. But otherwise, I don't really care. I mean seriously, it doesn't affect Penelope so I don't care. The really sad thing is, he is still living in this life cycle. It's been a while since he has done something this major since his house burnt down a few years ago alerting to us that he was having some guy living with him. The one who was abused and could have easily abused Penelope. Anyway, Penelope is totally protected. That was always the problems before as to why we would get so upset. Penelope. How it affected her. Not anymore.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Busy Busy....
So first of all, we did not go to the Police Station last night and no we are not on the run. My dad, who is a retired police Sergeant called the detective and asked to reschedule. Now it's Monday after school. George, Penelope's dad, was admitted yesterday with Congestive Heart Failure. He is currently getting a procedure done now and if they find anything, he will have Angioplasty (sp?). Anyway, no time to spellcheck. I have to leave in 2 minutes to go get Penelope and take her to therapy up north. She doesn't know and won't unless she needs to. My mom is a mess, understandably. I feel nothing different about it. I'm sure it is in a way just stacked on top of my already high stress level right now. I'm doing okay though I think.
I had my interview today with the Cemetery and I'm pretty sure I got it. My twin brother had his right after and he isn't sure. The Area Manager of Sales did 95% of the talking during my interview and ran over into B's time. I did a faux pas when he jokingly said "We will say it's your fault." I said, "Yeah, just tell him I talk to much." Oops. He is the one that talked to much. It registered and I cringed but oh well, open mouth insert foot.
On the way home from dropping off some things at the hospital for George, I got a call from an agency for services for Penelope that I knew nothing about and initially assumed it was a place I had submitted my resume too, so I acted like I knew about them and was happy to get their call. Not that I'm not happy, but they scheduled an in-home meeting with me and I have no idea who or what for but I'll take anything at this point.
Well got to go, will blog soon. Off to therapy. Thinking about processing the arrest in therapy with Penelope so she has all weekend to process it instead of springing it on her on Monday. We will see what the therapists say.
I had my interview today with the Cemetery and I'm pretty sure I got it. My twin brother had his right after and he isn't sure. The Area Manager of Sales did 95% of the talking during my interview and ran over into B's time. I did a faux pas when he jokingly said "We will say it's your fault." I said, "Yeah, just tell him I talk to much." Oops. He is the one that talked to much. It registered and I cringed but oh well, open mouth insert foot.
On the way home from dropping off some things at the hospital for George, I got a call from an agency for services for Penelope that I knew nothing about and initially assumed it was a place I had submitted my resume too, so I acted like I knew about them and was happy to get their call. Not that I'm not happy, but they scheduled an in-home meeting with me and I have no idea who or what for but I'll take anything at this point.
Well got to go, will blog soon. Off to therapy. Thinking about processing the arrest in therapy with Penelope so she has all weekend to process it instead of springing it on her on Monday. We will see what the therapists say.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Criminal Charge
I finally heard from the detective regarding Penelope sexually abusing her cousins. Because CPS has closed the case, the DA has decided to press charges against Penelope. They want her case to remain open so she can be monitored to assure that she is getting the treatment she needs. The detective wanted to know if I had spoken to my brother, the father of the victims. I said "Yeah I talk to him all the time. I just left his house after watching his kids all day and on my way to go get Penelope from school. He's on his way to get their hair cut." He was like "Oh.." Yes, we have a strong family relationship. Hello, we shared a womb for 9 months. And I adore my niece and nephew. We had a blast. I always thank them for letting me play with them. The sad part is when they hound me about when Penelope can come over and play. "Where's Penelope?" "At school" "Can you go get her and bring her here?" "No, I can not." "Why?" "When?" They have been told that she has to learn how to play right with other kids. That is what their parents say and I just reiterate it. I don't tell them differently. I wonder how long it takes for them to forget her.
So, today Penelope has a busy schedule. She has school until 3:15, Girls on the Run until 4:45, go get "arrested" at 5:30 and a Choir Concert for school at 7:00. She doesn't know about the Police Station thing. I told her this morning we had an appointment after GOTR but I tried to stay vague about it. I know it's going to be hard for her and she may have to miss her Concert.
I have an interview tomorrow morning that my cousin set up with his company. It's selling burial plots, caskets and stuff. Yeah....... He set up an interview for my twin brother also. My dad was layed off this past Friday from his job and my cousin said he'll be able to get an interview for him too. They just bought a large "untapped" as he put it, cemetery about 15 minutes from my house and they are hiring several sales reps. We will see. Hey, it might make it so I can save my house. Still in that window I've been told.
But at any rate, I will have to have my mom here in case Penelope needs to stay/come home so I don't miss my job interview.
So, today Penelope has a busy schedule. She has school until 3:15, Girls on the Run until 4:45, go get "arrested" at 5:30 and a Choir Concert for school at 7:00. She doesn't know about the Police Station thing. I told her this morning we had an appointment after GOTR but I tried to stay vague about it. I know it's going to be hard for her and she may have to miss her Concert.
I have an interview tomorrow morning that my cousin set up with his company. It's selling burial plots, caskets and stuff. Yeah....... He set up an interview for my twin brother also. My dad was layed off this past Friday from his job and my cousin said he'll be able to get an interview for him too. They just bought a large "untapped" as he put it, cemetery about 15 minutes from my house and they are hiring several sales reps. We will see. Hey, it might make it so I can save my house. Still in that window I've been told.
But at any rate, I will have to have my mom here in case Penelope needs to stay/come home so I don't miss my job interview.
Self-Esteem
One of the things I've been working with Penelope on is her self-esteem. It's a daily part of her healing anyway, but we have been focusing on it more because it seems to be a real part of how she approaches her daily decisions.
First of all, she finally FINALLY got her detention for her tardiness. I'm not sure what happened behind the scenes at school that finally had this happen, but I was secretly ecstatic, openly unmoved by the news. My final plea to the school when discussing decisions Penelope has been making as a result of her low self-esteem was "Do you know what would help her self-esteem? A detention. The detention is a consequence of her tardiness and in turn enforces boundaries. Boundaries are enforces giving incentive for Penelope to make the right decisions. Right decisions result in positive consequences which boosts her self-esteem." Makes sense to me.
I asked her if getting the detention was going to help her with her tardiness issue. She said "Oh yeah! Mr. Bear told me that I was going to get a detention for every tardy from now on. Not after 3 like before." Her eyes were big and she said it with a scared look on her face. I said "So you had to talk to Mr. Bear when you got your detention slip?" She said "Oh yeah. I don't want to have to talk to him again!" I laughed and said "So was it the detention or having to see Mr. Bear." She hesitated and said "Well.....both I guess. But he scares me! He must have read my letter!" The letter she is referring to is a writing assignment where the prompt from the teacher is that someone comes to the class and says to that "Youmust go to Mr. Bear's office. He wants to see you at once." The class goes "Ohhhh" and then the student is suppose to finish the story. Well, her assignment consisted of Mr. Bear's office actually being a dungeon with torture devices and Mr. Bear is an evil vampire that turns students into vampires and turned her into a vampire. She had found vampire and dungeon graphics to put on her final typed draft. See, Mr. Bear is the Asst. Principal and disciplinarian in the school. And he is also a very tall, broad shouldered, serious looking man. Very intimidating when he needs to be I'm sure. Perfect for his role. I laughed when she told me that he read her assignment. I said "Now now, why would he have read your letter? How do you know?" She said, "Because when I went to his office, he said 'Welcome to my.... dungeon' with a smirk on his face! I about died!" TOO FUNNY. I can totally picture her expression!
Anyway, she hasn't been late to school since and honestly, the mornings go way smoother now.
She is still struggling with baby-talking or immature speak and body language at school. I have always associated this with fear and insecurity. She doesn't feel safe. I believe it started up when she finally started to feel remorse for abusing her cousins. She felt unsafe because she feels like there is no hope for her to be a good person because she keeps doing really bad things. It's something we've been dealing with.
I also believe that after I processed and regulated my own emotions about what has happened and the stresses in my life, I was able to focus more on helping Penelope become more regulated. We have started going to church again. We are not going to the same one that we liked so much. I think it fits more with my beliefs regarding all religions and beliefs but it was very small and didn't meet our special needs as it relates to Penelope. This particular church is a very large non-denominational Christian Church. Our friend and Penelope's tutor Laurie invited us to go with her. They just started last week a 6 week "study" on freedom. Freedom from fear, from anger/anxiety, from guilt, from your past, and even from religion. Their is a study book even. But it speaks to me and I believe it speaks to Penelope too. We discuss the service to make sure she is getting the full message, because it is very philosophical and I think geared towards adults. I believe the kids go to a separate service but she is with me until I decide otherwise.
Another thing that has greatly helped Penelope feel better is the program she signed up for, Girls on the Run. Penelope is not an athletic kid by any means, and is overweight. I was concerned if she was really up for this challenged but she has proven that she certainly is. She loves it and is so full of pride and energy after a meeting, she glows. She gets lots of support and praise for her efforts in the program, and even last week she was voted by the high school volunteers the "Hardest Working" and they did some little dance/cheer for her as a congratulations. The program directors talk about how great she is and how committed and full of excitement and energy she is. She loves it. Sometimes too much, which is something she is working on as well. She gets so "high" that homework and chores are put off - "in a minute." So she had that lesson to learn as well. How to bring herself down off cloud 9 so her toes have traction and she can accomplish her responsibilities.
Now about the bullying, which continues, I think she is handling it better so I hope it ends soon. She was taking it so much to heart - it was just feeding off her self-esteem until it was practically nothing. Mrs. Brown, her teacher, has really been trying to help her at school with it. Penelope doesn't always go to her about it, which on one end I don't understand, but then on the other, I think she is realizing that she has to deal with it too to make it go away and can't go running to Mrs. Brown to solve her problems. Sometimes it backfires for her.
The girls mostly, and some boys, pick on her mostly about her weight and her overall appearance. She does carry herself in a more immature way but overall looks like every other kid there. Mrs. Brown had a long talk with her on Thursday of last week, as it seems it was a rough day for her, and talked about acting more her age to not draw negative attention to her, as well as possibly going on the South Beach Diet with her at lunch. Penelope spends her lunch and recess in Mrs. Brown's room instead of with the rest of the kids. My knee jerk reaction to that was that I had a problem with it, but I also have made the decision that Penelope is not at a place yet where she can successfully make and keep friends, so if this is safer for her, then let it be. She isn't the only kid. Some go there to read or work on homework or get help on stuff.
Anyway, Mrs. Brown had walked Penelope out of school to the car after this conversation and told me about it. I wasn't sure what to think at first when she was telling me but it had me do a lot of thinking (like I don't think enough). On one hand, I agree Penelope needs to take charge of her own issues, but then I don't want the message to be received that it's her fault she is being bullied. In a way it is, but she doesn't need to change for anyone but herself. We talked about it in therapy that afternoon and Penelope became somewhat defensive in that she exclaimed "But I like to eat! I really like food!" It was actually kind of funny how serious she was about her statement. My concern is what kind of message a formal diet regime would send to Penelope. She already cares way too much what other people think of her, making her breaking her self-image. She will never be perfect enough to a bully, so to me it's more about her self-esteem and body image. She wants to be thinner. That's fine, she has a few pounds she can lose. I definitely think she can eat healthier and I've been slowly but surely working on that with her. She has really started to grow and with her integrating some healthier eating habits, she is thinning out as she gets taller.
Anyway, Friday was a rough morning for me and I ended up giving her lunch money instead of packing her. That afternoon, she gave me back over half of it but acted like it was all of it. I think in her way she was tattling, or else she would have just kept the money. She really didn't want to do the diet but was trying to be accommodating to Mrs. Brown. I asked her if she had lunch. She said she did - cheddar popcorn and strawberry milk. I said "That's not lunch, that's a snack." She said, "Well, Mrs. Brown wants me to be on her diet." Based on what she said I assumed Mrs. Brown gave it to her. I said "I don't think that is on Mrs. Brown's diet. Why didn't you buy in the cafeteria?" She said "Oh..well.. I did actually." That's what I thought. I said "Why didn't you something more. I know they serve healthy food at the cafeteria." She said "I don't like salad or anything else they have." Got it.
So that weekend I did some research to 1) figure out what the appropriate weight range for a child for Penelope's age, gender and height. She is about 30 lbs over weight. But the more reading I did, it talked about kids and diets and growth, and kids shouldn't be on diets. Especially adult diets. So I plugged in age 13 yr 0 mo. and added 3 inches - because at the rate she is going she should be about 5' 4" by the time she hits 13. At her current weight, with the new numbers, she is only 15 lbs overweight. So, with her help, we talked about a goal of 1 lb a week until she is 13. She has more like 20 weeks before then but lets not put too much pressure on it. But I created a calorie diary that doesn't talk about losing weight but about health, self-esteem, body image, energy, lifestyle etc. I made it a math problem for her. Each day she counts her calories, and documents other nutritional facts about her food, and then she documents her activities and works off a reference list that I made showing how many calories burned doing those activities. Then at the end of the day she does the math. Calories consumed - calories burned = net calories. 3500 calories = 1 pound. I know it's more complicated than this but for her sake I think this is a great start. I also found a website mypyramid.gov and you can plug in your information and it creates a food pyramid customized to you and other printable tools. So I put that in her dairy. I told her that this week is a base week - not to change anything, unless she wants to, but just to guage how many calories she consumes and burns typically. Then we can go over it and make some substitutions or whatever to her food and/or change her amount of activity. It's up to her. She has already made a couple changes, but I think just having it in her mind is helping her make better choices. We will see. She is excited about it. I think the stuff she learns in Girls on the Run will also support it so it's not just coming from me. As I'm sure all moms, we need someone to establish our credibility because our word isn't always good enough. Doesn't matter what the credibility of the other person is, just as long as there is someone else. Ha.
But I think it's all helping her. Just yesterday she said, when I asked her if the kids were still picking on her, "Yeah but I make it bounce off me." I said, "What do you mean? What are you thinking when they do it?" She said "I think 'Bounce'" and motioned an object bouncing off her chest. She says she walks away then. She said sometimes she says "Bananas" or "Apples" which was something I forgot I had said a while ago about saying stuff that takes the kid off guard when your not in a situation where you can walk away. You leave them scratching there heads and not knowing what to say. She said it works. We talked about how a lot of times people don't say what they mean. Bullies really mean "I want you to hurt... so hurt!" which sounds stupid, so they find something about you to pick on so they can make you hurt. But that's not what they really mean. If they really meant that your clothes don't look good, wouldn't they say "Hey, um Penelope, I hate to have to tell you this, but those jeans just don't look right on you. Maybe if you wore a belt or something.. I don't know." That would make more sense. She said "That makes more sense. They do sound pretty stupid now that I think about it." Did I actually help? Maybe! :)
First of all, she finally FINALLY got her detention for her tardiness. I'm not sure what happened behind the scenes at school that finally had this happen, but I was secretly ecstatic, openly unmoved by the news. My final plea to the school when discussing decisions Penelope has been making as a result of her low self-esteem was "Do you know what would help her self-esteem? A detention. The detention is a consequence of her tardiness and in turn enforces boundaries. Boundaries are enforces giving incentive for Penelope to make the right decisions. Right decisions result in positive consequences which boosts her self-esteem." Makes sense to me.
I asked her if getting the detention was going to help her with her tardiness issue. She said "Oh yeah! Mr. Bear told me that I was going to get a detention for every tardy from now on. Not after 3 like before." Her eyes were big and she said it with a scared look on her face. I said "So you had to talk to Mr. Bear when you got your detention slip?" She said "Oh yeah. I don't want to have to talk to him again!" I laughed and said "So was it the detention or having to see Mr. Bear." She hesitated and said "Well.....both I guess. But he scares me! He must have read my letter!" The letter she is referring to is a writing assignment where the prompt from the teacher is that someone comes to the class and says to that "You
Anyway, she hasn't been late to school since and honestly, the mornings go way smoother now.
She is still struggling with baby-talking or immature speak and body language at school. I have always associated this with fear and insecurity. She doesn't feel safe. I believe it started up when she finally started to feel remorse for abusing her cousins. She felt unsafe because she feels like there is no hope for her to be a good person because she keeps doing really bad things. It's something we've been dealing with.
I also believe that after I processed and regulated my own emotions about what has happened and the stresses in my life, I was able to focus more on helping Penelope become more regulated. We have started going to church again. We are not going to the same one that we liked so much. I think it fits more with my beliefs regarding all religions and beliefs but it was very small and didn't meet our special needs as it relates to Penelope. This particular church is a very large non-denominational Christian Church. Our friend and Penelope's tutor Laurie invited us to go with her. They just started last week a 6 week "study" on freedom. Freedom from fear, from anger/anxiety, from guilt, from your past, and even from religion. Their is a study book even. But it speaks to me and I believe it speaks to Penelope too. We discuss the service to make sure she is getting the full message, because it is very philosophical and I think geared towards adults. I believe the kids go to a separate service but she is with me until I decide otherwise.
Another thing that has greatly helped Penelope feel better is the program she signed up for, Girls on the Run. Penelope is not an athletic kid by any means, and is overweight. I was concerned if she was really up for this challenged but she has proven that she certainly is. She loves it and is so full of pride and energy after a meeting, she glows. She gets lots of support and praise for her efforts in the program, and even last week she was voted by the high school volunteers the "Hardest Working" and they did some little dance/cheer for her as a congratulations. The program directors talk about how great she is and how committed and full of excitement and energy she is. She loves it. Sometimes too much, which is something she is working on as well. She gets so "high" that homework and chores are put off - "in a minute." So she had that lesson to learn as well. How to bring herself down off cloud 9 so her toes have traction and she can accomplish her responsibilities.
Now about the bullying, which continues, I think she is handling it better so I hope it ends soon. She was taking it so much to heart - it was just feeding off her self-esteem until it was practically nothing. Mrs. Brown, her teacher, has really been trying to help her at school with it. Penelope doesn't always go to her about it, which on one end I don't understand, but then on the other, I think she is realizing that she has to deal with it too to make it go away and can't go running to Mrs. Brown to solve her problems. Sometimes it backfires for her.
The girls mostly, and some boys, pick on her mostly about her weight and her overall appearance. She does carry herself in a more immature way but overall looks like every other kid there. Mrs. Brown had a long talk with her on Thursday of last week, as it seems it was a rough day for her, and talked about acting more her age to not draw negative attention to her, as well as possibly going on the South Beach Diet with her at lunch. Penelope spends her lunch and recess in Mrs. Brown's room instead of with the rest of the kids. My knee jerk reaction to that was that I had a problem with it, but I also have made the decision that Penelope is not at a place yet where she can successfully make and keep friends, so if this is safer for her, then let it be. She isn't the only kid. Some go there to read or work on homework or get help on stuff.
Anyway, Mrs. Brown had walked Penelope out of school to the car after this conversation and told me about it. I wasn't sure what to think at first when she was telling me but it had me do a lot of thinking (like I don't think enough). On one hand, I agree Penelope needs to take charge of her own issues, but then I don't want the message to be received that it's her fault she is being bullied. In a way it is, but she doesn't need to change for anyone but herself. We talked about it in therapy that afternoon and Penelope became somewhat defensive in that she exclaimed "But I like to eat! I really like food!" It was actually kind of funny how serious she was about her statement. My concern is what kind of message a formal diet regime would send to Penelope. She already cares way too much what other people think of her, making her breaking her self-image. She will never be perfect enough to a bully, so to me it's more about her self-esteem and body image. She wants to be thinner. That's fine, she has a few pounds she can lose. I definitely think she can eat healthier and I've been slowly but surely working on that with her. She has really started to grow and with her integrating some healthier eating habits, she is thinning out as she gets taller.
Anyway, Friday was a rough morning for me and I ended up giving her lunch money instead of packing her. That afternoon, she gave me back over half of it but acted like it was all of it. I think in her way she was tattling, or else she would have just kept the money. She really didn't want to do the diet but was trying to be accommodating to Mrs. Brown. I asked her if she had lunch. She said she did - cheddar popcorn and strawberry milk. I said "That's not lunch, that's a snack." She said, "Well, Mrs. Brown wants me to be on her diet." Based on what she said I assumed Mrs. Brown gave it to her. I said "I don't think that is on Mrs. Brown's diet. Why didn't you buy in the cafeteria?" She said "Oh..well.. I did actually." That's what I thought. I said "Why didn't you something more. I know they serve healthy food at the cafeteria." She said "I don't like salad or anything else they have." Got it.
So that weekend I did some research to 1) figure out what the appropriate weight range for a child for Penelope's age, gender and height. She is about 30 lbs over weight. But the more reading I did, it talked about kids and diets and growth, and kids shouldn't be on diets. Especially adult diets. So I plugged in age 13 yr 0 mo. and added 3 inches - because at the rate she is going she should be about 5' 4" by the time she hits 13. At her current weight, with the new numbers, she is only 15 lbs overweight. So, with her help, we talked about a goal of 1 lb a week until she is 13. She has more like 20 weeks before then but lets not put too much pressure on it. But I created a calorie diary that doesn't talk about losing weight but about health, self-esteem, body image, energy, lifestyle etc. I made it a math problem for her. Each day she counts her calories, and documents other nutritional facts about her food, and then she documents her activities and works off a reference list that I made showing how many calories burned doing those activities. Then at the end of the day she does the math. Calories consumed - calories burned = net calories. 3500 calories = 1 pound. I know it's more complicated than this but for her sake I think this is a great start. I also found a website mypyramid.gov and you can plug in your information and it creates a food pyramid customized to you and other printable tools. So I put that in her dairy. I told her that this week is a base week - not to change anything, unless she wants to, but just to guage how many calories she consumes and burns typically. Then we can go over it and make some substitutions or whatever to her food and/or change her amount of activity. It's up to her. She has already made a couple changes, but I think just having it in her mind is helping her make better choices. We will see. She is excited about it. I think the stuff she learns in Girls on the Run will also support it so it's not just coming from me. As I'm sure all moms, we need someone to establish our credibility because our word isn't always good enough. Doesn't matter what the credibility of the other person is, just as long as there is someone else. Ha.
But I think it's all helping her. Just yesterday she said, when I asked her if the kids were still picking on her, "Yeah but I make it bounce off me." I said, "What do you mean? What are you thinking when they do it?" She said "I think 'Bounce'" and motioned an object bouncing off her chest. She says she walks away then. She said sometimes she says "Bananas" or "Apples" which was something I forgot I had said a while ago about saying stuff that takes the kid off guard when your not in a situation where you can walk away. You leave them scratching there heads and not knowing what to say. She said it works. We talked about how a lot of times people don't say what they mean. Bullies really mean "I want you to hurt... so hurt!" which sounds stupid, so they find something about you to pick on so they can make you hurt. But that's not what they really mean. If they really meant that your clothes don't look good, wouldn't they say "Hey, um Penelope, I hate to have to tell you this, but those jeans just don't look right on you. Maybe if you wore a belt or something.. I don't know." That would make more sense. She said "That makes more sense. They do sound pretty stupid now that I think about it." Did I actually help? Maybe! :)
Penelope's Stomach Virus
Okay, it was really my virus that she caught while nursing me when I was sick. She had never been this sick under my watch and boy was it an experience. The interesting part about it, and the reason I'm even writing about it, has to do with how her RAD impacted her ability to deal with being this sick, as well as how difficult it was to determine how sick she was.
It started Friday, about 3 days (incubation period) after I was at my sickest. My mom was over that morning so she was my witness. To preface her illness, I have to start by saying how Penelope has been doing better when her coping with stress/anxiety, her attempts to be grounded and in the real world, and trying to act her age. But she is still really struggling with it, just starting to do better. She was coping better at home then she was at school and her acting out by acting babyish was causing negative attention, which in turn was causing some of her classmates to pick on her but it was being dealt with. So when I got sick, she told me that I had caught it from her because she just got over the stomach flu. Obviously this wasn't true as I would know if she had been sick. Then during my illness, even though she had a healthy appetite and showed no symptoms, she claimed she had the stomach flu too. So, Friday morning when she woke up and complained of a slight stomach ache for 3 day in a row, I gave her some medication and moved on - to appease her. She ate her egg and slice of bacon for breakfast with no problem. Then without any notice I found her in the bathroom behind the closed door, throwing up. I helped her and told her to go back to bed, she wasn't going to school. She went to her room but was restless and didn't want to go back to bed. She was constantly finding excuses to leave her room. I started questioning her illness because of how she was acting, but also, after thinking about it I started to question whether she made herself throw up. She never closes the bathroom door unless she is up to something, but when I heard her throwing up I had to go through a closed door. After she went to the bathroom for the second time for no reason, I caught her sneaking around the corner of the wall listening to my mom and I talking. I called her out of her hiding place and said "You seem like you have something on your mind. Like you have something to say? What's going on?" She then went into this confession about how even though she told me that things were better at school with her classmates, she was getting bullied again. I asked her if her being bullied had anything to do with her being sick today. She said it did. We talked about the bullying and coping and I asked her if she wanted to go to school for the rest of the day. She said she didn't know. I said that if she was feeling better, she should go to school and if she wasn't she needed to be in bed the rest of the day so she can get well. One or the other. She stayed in her room and I found her playing on the floor and had to help her get into bed. Even though I do try to live by the rule of no second chances, I knew that she probably threw up a good portion of her morning medication and was having a hard time with focusing and her anxiety and was trying to be compassionate to that fact. After she settled in her bed, she was still struggling with not being bored. She complained of a stomach ache but didn't appear to be in pain. She also had a normal temperature. She got hungry around lunch time and I cut up a banana and gave her some crackers. About 30 minutes later she hacked allllll over her room. Down the side of her bed, on the floor next to her, all over the outside AND inside of her backpack, her shoes and the closes she dressed in for school that she left on the floor, and on the comforter of the bed next to her. I have to admit guiltily, I was pissed. I still wasn't sure I believe it or not how sick she was and I know she is an expert vomiter. And it seemed almost strategic. Is she acting out? Is she looking for sympathy? Did I make her mad and she is getting back at me? I'm always looking for the reason behind the action so much with Penelope, and question everything she does, that I still wasn't getting it, that she was actually sick. I bagged all dirty items and linens and mopped her floor. Fortunately, with her having two beds in her room, I was able to quickly move her to the other bed and change out the covers. She NOW had a fever and was feeling bad. She felt pretty bad for a few hours, progressively worse. She really started freaking out about it. She asked if she was going to die. Penelope can come across rather dramatic. I've learned that some of the time it is her way of getting attention, but actually much more rare than most people think. She honestly has these very irrational feelings and thoughts. I relate it to the fact that she never acquired those fundamental feelings of security that most people have. We may worry about certain things, but fundamentally know that everything will work itself out one way or the other. Penelope never had that. She just assumes the worst and worries about it and sometimes even comes to an acceptance of it. That's when she gives up. Just part of her daily struggles. Anyway, she really thought she was going to die. She cried and became an anxious mess. Fortunately, after throwing up again and having her final bout of diarrhea, she fell asleep and slept for several hours until she was much better. I was so thankful for that - beside the obvious reason that she got past the bad part and could start feeling better, I was also exhausted from my own illness and having spent the day cleaning up after her I wanted to scrub all my skin off. After she got sick the last time, which after skipping the bucket to head to the bathroom, didn't make it to the toilet and while throwing up, poo'd all over the wall and floor - I told her I'd give her a dollar if she makes it to the toilet just once. It was her last bout so it didn't matter at this point. I just feel for all parents out there that have kids who use vomit or poo as a means to act out so they deal with these things more than just through illness. UGH.
But I think the experience has helped Penelope see that once again, Mom has helped her through another difficult time. She actually calmed down and cope better than before her illness. We talked about her feelings and being sick. We also talked about her social issues and being honest about them so that she isn't dealing with it alone. I'm sure having that on her mind didn't help her feel better when she was sick either.
It started Friday, about 3 days (incubation period) after I was at my sickest. My mom was over that morning so she was my witness. To preface her illness, I have to start by saying how Penelope has been doing better when her coping with stress/anxiety, her attempts to be grounded and in the real world, and trying to act her age. But she is still really struggling with it, just starting to do better. She was coping better at home then she was at school and her acting out by acting babyish was causing negative attention, which in turn was causing some of her classmates to pick on her but it was being dealt with. So when I got sick, she told me that I had caught it from her because she just got over the stomach flu. Obviously this wasn't true as I would know if she had been sick. Then during my illness, even though she had a healthy appetite and showed no symptoms, she claimed she had the stomach flu too. So, Friday morning when she woke up and complained of a slight stomach ache for 3 day in a row, I gave her some medication and moved on - to appease her. She ate her egg and slice of bacon for breakfast with no problem. Then without any notice I found her in the bathroom behind the closed door, throwing up. I helped her and told her to go back to bed, she wasn't going to school. She went to her room but was restless and didn't want to go back to bed. She was constantly finding excuses to leave her room. I started questioning her illness because of how she was acting, but also, after thinking about it I started to question whether she made herself throw up. She never closes the bathroom door unless she is up to something, but when I heard her throwing up I had to go through a closed door. After she went to the bathroom for the second time for no reason, I caught her sneaking around the corner of the wall listening to my mom and I talking. I called her out of her hiding place and said "You seem like you have something on your mind. Like you have something to say? What's going on?" She then went into this confession about how even though she told me that things were better at school with her classmates, she was getting bullied again. I asked her if her being bullied had anything to do with her being sick today. She said it did. We talked about the bullying and coping and I asked her if she wanted to go to school for the rest of the day. She said she didn't know. I said that if she was feeling better, she should go to school and if she wasn't she needed to be in bed the rest of the day so she can get well. One or the other. She stayed in her room and I found her playing on the floor and had to help her get into bed. Even though I do try to live by the rule of no second chances, I knew that she probably threw up a good portion of her morning medication and was having a hard time with focusing and her anxiety and was trying to be compassionate to that fact. After she settled in her bed, she was still struggling with not being bored. She complained of a stomach ache but didn't appear to be in pain. She also had a normal temperature. She got hungry around lunch time and I cut up a banana and gave her some crackers. About 30 minutes later she hacked allllll over her room. Down the side of her bed, on the floor next to her, all over the outside AND inside of her backpack, her shoes and the closes she dressed in for school that she left on the floor, and on the comforter of the bed next to her. I have to admit guiltily, I was pissed. I still wasn't sure I believe it or not how sick she was and I know she is an expert vomiter. And it seemed almost strategic. Is she acting out? Is she looking for sympathy? Did I make her mad and she is getting back at me? I'm always looking for the reason behind the action so much with Penelope, and question everything she does, that I still wasn't getting it, that she was actually sick. I bagged all dirty items and linens and mopped her floor. Fortunately, with her having two beds in her room, I was able to quickly move her to the other bed and change out the covers. She NOW had a fever and was feeling bad. She felt pretty bad for a few hours, progressively worse. She really started freaking out about it. She asked if she was going to die. Penelope can come across rather dramatic. I've learned that some of the time it is her way of getting attention, but actually much more rare than most people think. She honestly has these very irrational feelings and thoughts. I relate it to the fact that she never acquired those fundamental feelings of security that most people have. We may worry about certain things, but fundamentally know that everything will work itself out one way or the other. Penelope never had that. She just assumes the worst and worries about it and sometimes even comes to an acceptance of it. That's when she gives up. Just part of her daily struggles. Anyway, she really thought she was going to die. She cried and became an anxious mess. Fortunately, after throwing up again and having her final bout of diarrhea, she fell asleep and slept for several hours until she was much better. I was so thankful for that - beside the obvious reason that she got past the bad part and could start feeling better, I was also exhausted from my own illness and having spent the day cleaning up after her I wanted to scrub all my skin off. After she got sick the last time, which after skipping the bucket to head to the bathroom, didn't make it to the toilet and while throwing up, poo'd all over the wall and floor - I told her I'd give her a dollar if she makes it to the toilet just once. It was her last bout so it didn't matter at this point. I just feel for all parents out there that have kids who use vomit or poo as a means to act out so they deal with these things more than just through illness. UGH.
But I think the experience has helped Penelope see that once again, Mom has helped her through another difficult time. She actually calmed down and cope better than before her illness. We talked about her feelings and being sick. We also talked about her social issues and being honest about them so that she isn't dealing with it alone. I'm sure having that on her mind didn't help her feel better when she was sick either.
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