I purposefully didn't schedule too much for the weekend. The past few weekends have been pretty busy, which is nice in it's own right. But, with the visit with Geoff, I needed to calm things down so Penelope can get a grip - too much good is a bad thing when you are not in a healthy space. It's too much stimulation equaling anxiety equaling hypervigilence equaling unsafe feeling equaling obsessive behaviors.
One of my growing stressors has been maintenance of my yard. Between being with Penelope all the time, for the most part, time to do any chores has been running thin. One of the hardest things to get her to do is chores. Some days are better than others. It's been impossible for over a week. And with the visitation looming, happening, and the aftermath... I haven't had the strength or patience to work through this with her. I just do what I can to get by and spend my time with her on other activities.
All while my grass and the weeds that surrounded my house and garage continued to grow. All I need are more weeds. Every year I pour poison all over my gardens trying to kill the weeds but all it seems to do is kill the plants I want to grow. But it was getting out of hand. Between the heat and not wanting to leave Penelope inside, I was really struggling. I got her up early on Saturday, bound and determined to get some of the work done. All I got were complaints, too hot, too many bugs, and the weeds kept poking her. I had her pulling weeds. It was getting hot. It was like 85 by 10am, and the humidity! If it wasn't for that I would be fine. But I don't sleep well, and I'm retaining like 12 lbs of water in my joints and feet.. probably due to high blood pressure.. something I only have under extremely stressful periods. I guess I need to go back on the blood pressure pills.. haven't needed them surprisingly. But then on top of her whining, and the whining I was doing in my head, I couldn't get the darn lawnmower to start! It happens 2 out of 3 times I go to use it. Between Penelope wanting to go inside and nothing going right, I was about to lose my mind.
So I told Penelope we would do chores inside.. she was okay with that. I called and left a voice message with my dad asking him if he could come by and start my lawnmower so I could cut my grass. I knew he was heading over to George's today to cut his grass. I told Penelope to clean up the living room, which she has turned into her playroom. She wanted me to help her but I told her no, I was going to be cleaning another room. She has done it before by herself many times. But every time I turned around she was either gone or playing around.
I sat her down and told her how important chores are to being part of the family. We are doing chores together and they need to be done. She knew that but started to get upset saying how she just wanted to have fun. She hasn't talked that kind of talk in over a month regarding chores. Not to this extent. She was crying and throwing a tantrum. She said she hates cleaning because her dad would always make her clean. He would lay on the couch and watch TV and tell her how he didn't feel good or his muscles her him and she would always have to do all the cleaning. I told her I understood but I'm not asking her to clean for me. I'm asking her to clean with me, together, as part of the family. There is a difference. I'm not making her do my chores. She is contributing. She just cried and said I didn't understand and I never believe her. I told her I knew exactly what she was saying and repeated it back to her. That I knew that he did that and I agree it wasn't fair. But I'm not asking her to do anything that isn't fair. She didn't care.
I gave up, I wasn't going to fight with her for sure. But she wasn't permitted to watch tv in my room or go outside to play. Her freedoms are limited.
My dad came by about an hour later to start my lawnmower. I was on the phone with Laura, Penelope's tutor, talking about schedules and stuff when he walked in. I explained what Penelope's issues were and he said "What if Mommy helps you?"... Great. She said "Sure." My dad insisted that he was going to cut my grass and I would help Penelope with her chores. He cut 3/4ths of my yard and came in. For that hour, Penelope and I worked on picking up all her toys and garbage. We only got about half way through when he came in. She was very happy to clean and was singing and moving at a regular pace, which is not a usual thing. I was a bit perturbed by the fact it just takes him to say "clean" and she does it. But as soon as he left, she said "I'm too tired. I'm done." and that was that.
I honestly don't know how to get her to do her chores without creating a huge battle out of it. We've talked about it in therapy a couple of times when her effort stops. They just remind her how it's part of being a family and the affect of that might last a day or two but that's about it.
I called my other brother to see if he would be able to either take Penelope for the day or come over and help me knocked down the forest growing on my lot. His wife suggested the whole family come. I didn't like that idea but only because I thought it would be too much to handle. A 2 year old, and 4 year old, and an 11 year old going on 5.
But I agreed and they came over and did an awesome job. The kids were very good considering physical and mental ages. I was able to get Penelope to help me a little bit, with the peer pressure of having her Aunt, Uncle and cousins around to deter any tantrums. I told her, I'm going to get it in while I can.
Even though I had the energy of a sloth, I was so grateful they came over and helped me. I apologized for my lack of ability. It was definitly depressing how little I felt I could do. Just to push the lawnmower from the back of the house to the front made me dizzy. I remembered I hadn't eaten anything yet and it was 1pm, I went and got a bagel thinking that would be good carbs but I could barely eat it. It gave me a headache. Ugh! My brother told me it was okay. He knows I've been pretty depressed and not sleeping so he didn't expect me to have much energy. He is too understanding. I feel guilty about it. I need to figure out how to get more energy.
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