So yesterday Penelope got to visit with George. I was a nervous wreck.. I took her to my parents' house where my Dad was going to monitor. I had to lie to her a few times to keep up the secret. We stopped at the craft store to pick up some crafting kit - something for them to do together. Watching TV was out of the question - no talking and she would want to hang on him. Playing a game was also not a good option - because he is too competitive and tries to tell her how to do things and she just wants to have fun - not a good combination. In the past, usually ended in a fight. Anyway, I told her that Grandma wanted to do a craft with her. Then I told her that I had to leave to run errands. Papaw said he would bring her home - which was the plan but it appeared like we were just planning it then. So I left and came home.
On the way home I called my other brother, who had called earlier and told me to call him if I needed anything. I needed someone to talk to. I was short of freaking out. He was able to tell me more about the conversation he had with George the day before where George was complaining about me (prior post). Not much that was something I didn't know George does. I am brainwashing his daughter, trying to push them apart. He wants a "second opinion" from a different therapist. I have conned the therapist into thinking he is a bad person... what else, oh.. he should be able to see his daughter everyday because he didn't do anything wrong. But my brother did a good job trying to explain it to George - the best he knew how. He's not been really apart of the details in Penelope's healing. He has been what a typical Uncle is, part of the family but not part of day to day. He spoke to George about his own memory of how he parented Penelope. That she was never first in his life, that after Harriet left, mom took over raising her for a while during his depression from losing his wife. But after that, he didn't do what a father is suppose to do. He just went through the routine of feeding her and clothing her. He said "You will never get from me 'You're a good father.'" Which he has for years been wanting someone to tell him. He said George said "I guess I'll get someone else to help me then" cut his grass - which was the original purpose of George's phone call.
It's rare that I get to have a reasonably long conversation with my brother about Penelope and her trauma and therapy. He has his own family and problems. But I told him that throughout this process, a lot has been discovered. And it's not just me feeding the therapists. Mom, Dad and I told them what our memories were. What Penelope had claimed. What George and/or Harriet have admitted to that we may not have witnessed ourselves. When I had told Penelope's therapists George's accusation, she defended her position by saying "Yes, you all have told me what you know from your prospective, but we base our decisions on what we see with Penelope. She does and thinks the way she does for a reason." Which is exactly true. I told my brother about how I never could figure out why I was so uncomfortable seeing George with Penelope. I would say how I feel like he has molested her but I have no proof of that - it's just how I feel about their relationship. When I described how Penelope acted around her dad when we had all gone to dinner (long time ago), hanging on him - wouldn't sit in her seat. Wanting to feed him, taking people's olives from their salads because "Daddy likes olives." Getting all dressed up and wanting her hair curled and put lip gloss on... Based on that and the history of knowing that she slept in his bed until she was 8, her having to clean for him, his yelling at her for the slightest infraction, telling her his problems, testing her devotion by making her pick between other people and him etc... she said "It's incestuous. Emotional incest, not physical.. like she is playing his wife, and he promotes it because it fills the void for him." I said, "I don't put that in their heads.. I feed them the facts - what I know, and they put the puzzle pieces together. No one ever said he intentionally hurt her, that he was acting out of malice. But God, what bad decisions!
Anyway! So I was told their visitation went fine. Penelope didn't do her flip out thing that she typically would do, which is good. She kept her emotions in check. She was also scared she was going to get in trouble. She told her dad.. you can't tell! I will be in so much trouble! I don't know why he didn't tell her I knew but after the visitation my dad told her that I already knew, it was planned. My dad carried the conversation. He said it took about 40 minutes for them to warm up to eachother. I told him, as part of the "rules" to have them talk about school and camp and how well she is working to get strong. To not talk about missing each other, the past or future plans. But it's pretty normal for George to need someone to carry the conversation - not that he is a quiet guy, but as you can tell he is rather self-evolved so he doesn't think to ask her about school or camp or her friends. He usually just wants to talk about work, or complain really, and his friends and him in general. But I'm sure he was also nervous about saying something wrong. But he knew the rules, and they were pretty simple. But with the way his brain works, he just knew he couldn't talk about the things he would typically talk about. Anyway, I just think this stuff is simple and not asking too much.
But I was told everything went fine, she acted fine right afterward and my dad brought her home and ate dinner with us. She was very helpful and kept thanking me. It seems she is under the impression I did this "for her." I told her it was planned about a week ago. I didn't tell her I was against it. That would just make her feel bad.
After my dad left and everything seemed fine, I told her to take a shower and get ready for bed. She did and then played for a little bit. She said she had to go to the bathroom again "#2" like I needed to know that much info. But she was in there for quite a while, and with the door shut. I can never get her to shut the door. I knew something was up. So I walked in on her.
Immediately I knew something was up. She had jumped and I heard something clank. She had a totally scared look on her face. I asked her what she was doing.. She kept saying nothing but her voice and expression was not nothing.. plus the front of her nightgown was pulled down very low. She's not the best at wearing her clothes straight but it was a red flag. I calmed down and told her I wouldn't be mad but I would know if she is lying.
She finally admitted she was doing something. She was "filming" herself. I then noticed the digital camera laying between the toilet and the sink that I had given her 2 years ago. I picked it up and tried to figure out how to watch it. She got upset and said she didn't want me to see it because I was going to be mad at her. I told her I wasn't going to be mad but I needed to watch it. It wasn't that long but it was of her masterbating and fondling herself. I was devistated. But I put on a non-upset face, the best I could. Told her to get ready for bed so we could read. I did ask her why and where did she get the idea from. She tried to cry, no tears and just kept saying "You are mad at me, I knew it. You are mad at me.." She said she didn't know why but she had seen it at her friend Amy's - who was her friend out when she lived with her dad. Then she tried to tell me she was trying to hurt herself. To punish herself for what she has done wrong.. "But it's not about my dad!" I said "I never said it was about your dad." A couple of minutes later out of nowhere she confessed that my laptop was under her bed. That she took it out of my room. I asked her "Why?" She said she wanted to play a game on it later. I think she was planning on sending her video to someone. I don't know.. I'm just disappointed. But I don't know what to make of it.
I will say, there was no anger, not yet anyway. Let's hope it stays that way.
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