Still alive

It's Friday and I'm still here. Penelope hasn't tried to kill me. But sleep deprivation might get me in the end anyway. My dad said I look like I'm about to pass out and keeps telling me to get some sleep.. um, I try. I remember learning in a class or somewhere there is no such thing as making up sleep. Your body just deals.. or suffers.
Thursday we saw Penelope's psychiatrist who didn't change her medication but recommended I take her to the ER to have her hospitalized again. I really didn't want to do that but I definitely didn't feel safe. He asked her if she still felt like killing me. She nodded her head. He asked her if I should feel safe and she shrugged her shoulders. He asked me if I feel safe and I told him no. I don't really think she has this plan on how she will do it - besides with a knife - but like when and how to get a knife. But that the simple fact she is thinking about, that I know she has done other things that I couldn't have imagined, and that all it takes is for me to piss her off bad enough.
When I was telling the doctor about the weekend trying to pick out signs and triggers and telling him what she said and drew, he kept his eyes on her face. I think looking for an expression or reaction. Her expression was disinterested and blank. Scary. But when the doctor said she should go to the hospital, Penelope got excited and started crying "No! I don't want to live in a hospital! I won't get to see my cats... or my friends!" I had told her if she stabbed and killed me, she would end up in jail that was like a hospital. But he corrected her and said "not to live, but to stay for a while like last time." He explained it was for safety reasons. I told him I wasn't ready to take her to the hospital. I wanted to talk to her therapists. He understood. He had already asked what they say about it, but unfortunately I had to divulge that they hadn't yet called me back. I called Monday morning with no call back. I called again Monday afternoon and Wednesday. Wednesday when I called, I just said that we'd see them on Thursday but asked them to at least call George's therapist because he's got his ass all up on his back because he can't see Penelope and his therapist, only getting his side of the story, thinks it would benefit Penelope to see her dad and doesn't see why he shouldn't be allowed to see her.
I did finally find a store that sold those magnetic alarms to put on Penelope's door. The one I had left over from the packages I bought to put alarms on all the windows and doors for her months ago, didn't work. And the store I got them at closed. But at bedtime, she screamed and screamed about having her door shut. I tried to reason with her with no such luck. I told her it wasn't locked and she can keep her lights on but it didn't matter. Ahh! I need sleep!! I called my dad and we said if she couldn't do it, she'd have to go to the hospital and even though she didn't want to, she ended up saying she'd go to the hospital before she could have her door shut. I finally gave up and let her sleep however the hell she wanted, and I just blocked my bedroom door again. I was so angry I gave up on trying to keep her safe too which was part of it... Even though my door was blocked, again I got no sleep.
Thursday my dad calls and says he wants to go to therapy with us. He is worried about both Penelope and I. But he is also upset that they hadn't called me and I need to be able to call someone when this type of stuff comes up. He didn't tell me that he also was going because he wanted to push for George's visitations with Penelope. That pissed me off. She isn't ready yet and she sure as hell isn't strong enough to see him right now.
But her therapist said she didn't have a problem with that.. once school is out and she is more stable. Middle of June. That's in a month. I don't know if I can deal with the backlash of that. Between Penelope and her thinking her dad will "save her" from her personal hell and start hurting me again or getting calls from Harriet because George told her "he may or may not had seen Penelope on Saturday."
But the therapist spent most of the session talking Penelope into having the door shut. It took a ton of persuasion but she did it. Penelope finally promised. And she promised my dad. Now she didn't get to sleep until 10:30/11:00 but she didn't cry.. whined a bit but didn't cry. I still didn't get much sleep but more than the last 3 nights. I wouldn't even call it sleep - more like blacked out.
I woke up to Penelope's alarm going off as she woke up right before my alarm went off to get up for the morning. She said she felt safe and slept well. But boy was she a pain this morning. Baby steps I guess. But it was truely a huge success to have her sleep with her door shut so the alarm can work.
I'm just soo tired. But I have Penelope's therapists cell phone number now, and I will have a latch lock on my door within the next couple of days.